...great balls of fire! (click pic to enlarge)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Tie your blogger down!
Just can’t seem to do that lately, as all of sudden I’ve gotten the writing bug again, and found lots to talk about…
TAKE ME TO THE PILOT!
Kudos to US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger III and all the rescue workers who responded yesterday for their brilliant work in avoiding major carnage in New York, where an engine-less jet crashed into the Hudson River just after takeoff. Apart from two broken legs and scores of temporarily cold bodies, there were no injuries, and all 155 aboard were moved to safety in an amazingly short amount of time. It appears the lucky passengers had the right man at the controls on this flight, as Sullenberger has been involved in numerous safety programs in addition to his regular duties as a pilot, and he was able to guide the plane into a shallow part of the river. Nice job also by the commercial ferry boat operators for their quick-thinking in rushing to the aid of the victims and rounding them up.
One thing I could do without in all this is the exploitation of the crash victims by the news media, especially the way all the morning shows made sure to include the little kids who were on board on their shows to tug at our collective heartstrings. Haven’t they been through enough already to then be thrown in front of TV cameras on national TV?
OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN!
The (C)Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame announced this years "class" and it’s even lamer than last year’s, if that’s possible:
Metallica—Sorry, boys, but you don’t get in until Motorhead gets in, in my book. Without Lemmy & Co., there would be no Metallica.
Little Anthony & The Imperials—Borderline choice, at best. "Goin’ Out of My Head" and "Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko Puffs—er uh—Pop" are classics, and they had a nice little run in the early/mid-‘60s, but just couldn’t compete with the likes of the Temptations and Four Tops.
Jeff Beck—I guess you could make a case for him here, but since he’s already in as a Yardbird, his inclusion is kinda redundant.
Bobby Womack—Decent songwriter (he co-wrote "It's All Over Now", which the Stones and Molly Hatchet covered) and had a few minor hits in the ‘70s, but I don’t view him as being any more influential than one-hit wonder Percy Sledge, who’s also in the Hall.
Run-DMC—Out of concern for my blood pressure, I’ll have to politely refrain from discussing this utterly ridiculous selection to the Hall in depth. Does this mean Aerosmith with make the Rap Hall of Fame when it opens?
Meanwhile, there’s the Doobie Brothers, Moody Blues, Deep Purple, Kiss, Jim Croce, Neil Diamond, Heart, Three Dog Night, et al, still sitting on the bench, just waiting to be voted in. Oh, I forgot—people like them don’t generate enough "buzz" for the Carson Daly/Ryan Seacrest/"American Idol" crowd to get excited over and watch the induction ceremony.
HE JUST CAN’T QUIT HIM?
Unless it’s all tongue-in-cheek, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock’s pre-occupation with his friend, former NFL quarterback Jeff George, comes across as just a tad warped. Hardly a month goes by where in one of his columns, the Flatulent One makes the assertion that George would be a good pick-up for some NFL team needing a veteran QB, including Thursday’s column about new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli. Never mind that JG is 41 and hasn’t even played in the NFL in eight years, nor has he even shown any indication lately that he still wants to. And let us not forget that when he was playing, Jeff George was very insubordinate to the coaches he played for and was a bad teammate too. The Chiefs (or any other team, for that matter) need a locker room cancer like George about like the folks in Tahiti need space heaters. Could it be that Jason is outing himself in his columns? Maybe he serenades George with that old Animotion song, "You’re my obsession, what do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?" Whitlock once accused Drew Bledsoe of being gay, you know. I’m just sayin’…
IS IT ANY WONDER NEWSPAPERS ARE DYING?
Why do major publications like the Star waste valuable print space with archaic crap like Billy Graham’s daily advice column? All he ever advises people to do is pray, and he always says even the most unrepentant sinners will be forgiven anyway, so what difference does it make? Hell, he probably doesn’t even write any of the tripe that’s credited to his name, either…
S’ LONG, TONY
As expected, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy announced his retirement this week. Dungy only played three seasons in the NFL at defensive back, but it always amazes me how guys like him who had marginal playing careers always seem to make the best coaches. Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi are two other good examples. True, there are some people who had great careers, like Mike Ditka (or Joe Torre and Lou Piniella in baseball, for instance), who go on to be successful head coaches or managers, but oftentimes it’s under-the-radar guys like Dungy who are the best leaders. Classy guy, indeed, and it’s great to see him go out on his own terms.
I already like Dungy’s replacement, Jim Caldwell. When he was introduced as Colts head coach the other day, Caldwell expressed the hope that his inaugural press conference wouldn’t wind up on one of those dopey Coors Light TV commercials.
KANSAS CITY ISLANDERS?
I saw by the paper today that K.C.’s annual NHL exhibition game in September will feature the New York Islanders playing the L.A. Kings at the Sprint Center. The paper implied that the Isles might be interested in making Sprint their permanent home someday soon, since discussions about renovating or replacing Nassau Coliseum are about as dead as Terence Trent d'Arby’s career. Sounds ducky to me, being’s how my beloved New Jersey Devils have their own new joint now (which they should’ve called Hell, btw) and the N.Y. Strangers will soon be playing in a remodeled Madison Square Garden. We really don’t need three teams in the New Yawk area anyway, so let’s get on the (hockey) stick and make this happen, okey-dokey?
SALUTE YOUR LOCAL MUSICIAN!
"I tell ya, folks, it’s harder than it looks…"—Bon Scott, AC/DC
This might well have been Brother Bon’s most lucid lyric ever, in regards to what it takes to play in a band, whether you’re just playing bars or looking to make the big-time. It’s easy to forget that there’s more to playing in a band than just plugging in your guitar and playing a gig. There’s hours and hours of rehearsal time during the week to get the sound down, not to mention the time it takes to set up (and later tear down) equipment for a gig, then there’s the gig itself, which lasts four hours or more, just to make a few extra bucks on the weekends. I love music, no question about it, but even if I were a musician, I don’t love it enough to kiss off that much of my free time every week. Makes me respect my good friend Phil Alvarez and the rest of the guys in Headz Up even more for making such a commitment.
CLASSIC MUSIC TRIVIAL TIDBIT #1
First in a new series filled with useless information you can impress your friends with…
"Ain’t No Sunshine"—BILL WITHERS (1971) During the middle break where Withers utters "I know, I know, I know, I know…" he was actually marking the place in the song as a reminder of where a potential guitar solo was intended to go. Evidently, the producer thought it was kinda hip the way it was, so they left it alone. Check my math here if you want, but I counted 21 "I know"s altogether.
Before he became famous, BW had an interesting job—he manufactured airplane toilet seats for a living. While not quite as smooth a vocalist as his contemporary, the late Lou Rawls, I’m surprised Bill didn’t go on to have a bigger career than he did.
HORIZON BROADENING, 101
There was a feature in the paper this week about actress Marla Gibbs, best known as Florence on "The Jeffersons", and her current local dinner theater gig. It seems she’s really stretching her thespian muscles in this production—this time she plays the part of a domestic servant!
TAKE ME TO THE PILOT!
Kudos to US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger III and all the rescue workers who responded yesterday for their brilliant work in avoiding major carnage in New York, where an engine-less jet crashed into the Hudson River just after takeoff. Apart from two broken legs and scores of temporarily cold bodies, there were no injuries, and all 155 aboard were moved to safety in an amazingly short amount of time. It appears the lucky passengers had the right man at the controls on this flight, as Sullenberger has been involved in numerous safety programs in addition to his regular duties as a pilot, and he was able to guide the plane into a shallow part of the river. Nice job also by the commercial ferry boat operators for their quick-thinking in rushing to the aid of the victims and rounding them up.
One thing I could do without in all this is the exploitation of the crash victims by the news media, especially the way all the morning shows made sure to include the little kids who were on board on their shows to tug at our collective heartstrings. Haven’t they been through enough already to then be thrown in front of TV cameras on national TV?
OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN!
The (C)Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame announced this years "class" and it’s even lamer than last year’s, if that’s possible:
Metallica—Sorry, boys, but you don’t get in until Motorhead gets in, in my book. Without Lemmy & Co., there would be no Metallica.
Little Anthony & The Imperials—Borderline choice, at best. "Goin’ Out of My Head" and "Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko Puffs—er uh—Pop" are classics, and they had a nice little run in the early/mid-‘60s, but just couldn’t compete with the likes of the Temptations and Four Tops.
Jeff Beck—I guess you could make a case for him here, but since he’s already in as a Yardbird, his inclusion is kinda redundant.
Bobby Womack—Decent songwriter (he co-wrote "It's All Over Now", which the Stones and Molly Hatchet covered) and had a few minor hits in the ‘70s, but I don’t view him as being any more influential than one-hit wonder Percy Sledge, who’s also in the Hall.
Run-DMC—Out of concern for my blood pressure, I’ll have to politely refrain from discussing this utterly ridiculous selection to the Hall in depth. Does this mean Aerosmith with make the Rap Hall of Fame when it opens?
Meanwhile, there’s the Doobie Brothers, Moody Blues, Deep Purple, Kiss, Jim Croce, Neil Diamond, Heart, Three Dog Night, et al, still sitting on the bench, just waiting to be voted in. Oh, I forgot—people like them don’t generate enough "buzz" for the Carson Daly/Ryan Seacrest/"American Idol" crowd to get excited over and watch the induction ceremony.
HE JUST CAN’T QUIT HIM?
Unless it’s all tongue-in-cheek, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock’s pre-occupation with his friend, former NFL quarterback Jeff George, comes across as just a tad warped. Hardly a month goes by where in one of his columns, the Flatulent One makes the assertion that George would be a good pick-up for some NFL team needing a veteran QB, including Thursday’s column about new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli. Never mind that JG is 41 and hasn’t even played in the NFL in eight years, nor has he even shown any indication lately that he still wants to. And let us not forget that when he was playing, Jeff George was very insubordinate to the coaches he played for and was a bad teammate too. The Chiefs (or any other team, for that matter) need a locker room cancer like George about like the folks in Tahiti need space heaters. Could it be that Jason is outing himself in his columns? Maybe he serenades George with that old Animotion song, "You’re my obsession, what do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?" Whitlock once accused Drew Bledsoe of being gay, you know. I’m just sayin’…
IS IT ANY WONDER NEWSPAPERS ARE DYING?
Why do major publications like the Star waste valuable print space with archaic crap like Billy Graham’s daily advice column? All he ever advises people to do is pray, and he always says even the most unrepentant sinners will be forgiven anyway, so what difference does it make? Hell, he probably doesn’t even write any of the tripe that’s credited to his name, either…
S’ LONG, TONY
As expected, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy announced his retirement this week. Dungy only played three seasons in the NFL at defensive back, but it always amazes me how guys like him who had marginal playing careers always seem to make the best coaches. Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi are two other good examples. True, there are some people who had great careers, like Mike Ditka (or Joe Torre and Lou Piniella in baseball, for instance), who go on to be successful head coaches or managers, but oftentimes it’s under-the-radar guys like Dungy who are the best leaders. Classy guy, indeed, and it’s great to see him go out on his own terms.
I already like Dungy’s replacement, Jim Caldwell. When he was introduced as Colts head coach the other day, Caldwell expressed the hope that his inaugural press conference wouldn’t wind up on one of those dopey Coors Light TV commercials.
KANSAS CITY ISLANDERS?
I saw by the paper today that K.C.’s annual NHL exhibition game in September will feature the New York Islanders playing the L.A. Kings at the Sprint Center. The paper implied that the Isles might be interested in making Sprint their permanent home someday soon, since discussions about renovating or replacing Nassau Coliseum are about as dead as Terence Trent d'Arby’s career. Sounds ducky to me, being’s how my beloved New Jersey Devils have their own new joint now (which they should’ve called Hell, btw) and the N.Y. Strangers will soon be playing in a remodeled Madison Square Garden. We really don’t need three teams in the New Yawk area anyway, so let’s get on the (hockey) stick and make this happen, okey-dokey?
SALUTE YOUR LOCAL MUSICIAN!
"I tell ya, folks, it’s harder than it looks…"—Bon Scott, AC/DC
This might well have been Brother Bon’s most lucid lyric ever, in regards to what it takes to play in a band, whether you’re just playing bars or looking to make the big-time. It’s easy to forget that there’s more to playing in a band than just plugging in your guitar and playing a gig. There’s hours and hours of rehearsal time during the week to get the sound down, not to mention the time it takes to set up (and later tear down) equipment for a gig, then there’s the gig itself, which lasts four hours or more, just to make a few extra bucks on the weekends. I love music, no question about it, but even if I were a musician, I don’t love it enough to kiss off that much of my free time every week. Makes me respect my good friend Phil Alvarez and the rest of the guys in Headz Up even more for making such a commitment.
CLASSIC MUSIC TRIVIAL TIDBIT #1
First in a new series filled with useless information you can impress your friends with…
"Ain’t No Sunshine"—BILL WITHERS (1971) During the middle break where Withers utters "I know, I know, I know, I know…" he was actually marking the place in the song as a reminder of where a potential guitar solo was intended to go. Evidently, the producer thought it was kinda hip the way it was, so they left it alone. Check my math here if you want, but I counted 21 "I know"s altogether.
Before he became famous, BW had an interesting job—he manufactured airplane toilet seats for a living. While not quite as smooth a vocalist as his contemporary, the late Lou Rawls, I’m surprised Bill didn’t go on to have a bigger career than he did.
HORIZON BROADENING, 101
There was a feature in the paper this week about actress Marla Gibbs, best known as Florence on "The Jeffersons", and her current local dinner theater gig. It seems she’s really stretching her thespian muscles in this production—this time she plays the part of a domestic servant!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"The proud blog with the golden tail..."
RICARDO MONTALBAN, 1920-2009
I just saw on the 'net where Mr. Roarke moved on to the real "Fantasy Island" today at age 88. I always thought Montalban made a pretty good villain as Khan in Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan. One wonders if his casket will be lined with rich Corinthian leather...
A SHOUT-OUT…
…to our good friend Randy Raley, whose radio gig in north central Illinois came to an abrupt end last week, apparently for no good reason. One of the biggest reasons I got out of the radio industry was the sheer instability of it, and I could also never get past the sad fact that one can do a kick-ass job at any radio station, and yet still be unceremoniously fired at the drop of a hat. And that was 20 years ago—I can’t imagine trying to function in today’s cut-throat environment in the radio biz. I also didn’t love radio enough to keep banging my head against the proverbial wall and bouncing from station to station and town to town. My brief radio career was fun while it lasted, but I honestly don’t miss it all that much now—I much prefer having a steady job.
As for you, Randy, you’re one of a dying breed whose heart and soul is in the radio biz (no matter how corporate it’s become), and I respect and admire your propensity for sticking with it. You also seem pretty resilient, so I’m confident something new will work out for you, hopefully soon. Hang in there, dude—you’re a damn fine human being and a credit to your profession.
THE BOULEVARD GETS DETOURED
Speaking of corporate radio FUBARs, barely a year into its existence, the much-ballyhooed 99.7 The Boulevard (which replaced K.C. Album Rock legend 99.7 KY) is changing formats again. According to Entercom, the revamped station will offer Kansas City women "a blend of starpower, celebrity access, pop culture and today's hit music," and it will be built around the syndicated "On Air with Ryan Seacrest". I think I'd rather jab ice picks in my eyes than listen to that no-talent wanker...
While I'm not shedding any tears over the Boulevard's demise, I'm sure at this very moment, a few distraught Jackson Browne fans are chaining themselves to the station's studios in protest. Even though they did play some great album tracks now and then like Pete Townshend's "Slit Skirts" and Elton John's "Burn Down The Mission", the Blvd. was your basic bore and wasn't destined to last anyway. Ironically, 102 The Zone, which replaced the original KY-102, also only lasted a year before changing formats again. And the band played on...
HOLY MOLY, IT’S PIOLI!
I was beginning to worry that the Chefs would screw around and miss out on snagging Scott Pioli as their new GM, but yesterday owner Clark Hunt bagged the big fish he was looking for after all. Based on his track record with the Patriots, this man should be light years better than Carl Peterson ever was at evaluating talent and making smart draft choices/free agent acquisitions. This apparently will also be the end of Herm Edwards’ term as head coach, and although I like Herm for the most part, I think it’s time to make a clean break and bring in someone new with no previous ties to the team, which is pretty much what the Chefs have done for the last 12 years or so—Marty Schottenheimer was replaced by defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham, who was replaced by Dick Vermeil (a crony of Peterson’s), who was replaced by Edwards (a crony of Vermeil's), who previously was also an assistant here. Other than Bill Cowher, I don’t want to see any former Chiefs assistants on the new coaching staff—let’s start over and see what happens. By the way, interesting irony/coincidence that the Bush Administration and Carl Peterson era here are ending at almost the same time. In both cases, nowhere to go but up…
WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY PITY-PARTY"
This week’s special guest star, Sarah Palin! Yes, Ms. Winky-Dink was back in the spotlight this week whining that the big bad news media was mean to her during the campaign. She also complained that Caroline Kennedy isn’t being taken to task for her lack of experience in the same way that Palin was. Beg to differ, Winky, but I don’t exactly see the media warming up to the idea of "Senator Caroline" any more than they did to "VP Palin". Boy, for someone who claims to be a maverick lipstick-wearing, moose-dressing pit bull of a hockey mom, she sure can’t take criticism worth a damn. Uhhh, you’re a politician, sweetheart—it comes with the territory.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…
I was watching an old "Quincy, M.E." rerun on DVD last week, and in one scene set at a cheesy casino nightclub/lounge, the house band featured not one, but TWO bass players. Two bass players, Gracie?!? I’ve seen bands with two drummers before, but never two bassists. Even funnier, one of them was right-handed and the other was left-handed, both playing Fender basses. And the lefty evidently attended the Danny Bonaduce School of Bass Playing, because there he was just a-strummin’ away on his four-string axe, instead of plucking it. Can you just imagine what it woulda sounded like if the bloody thing was actually plugged in to an amp?
THESE AREN’T YOUR FATHER’S MARCHING BANDS
Back when I was a kid, college marching bands always played show tunes and such during halftime shows. Nowadays, it’s downright disconcerting to hear them play heavy metal, as with the U. of Texas and their tribute to Led Zeppelin last week at the Fiesta Bowl. I couldn’t believe I was hearing "Black Dog" from a brass band, as well as "Kashmir" and "Stairway To Heaven". Oklahoma’s band also played a tune during their halftime show last week that it took me about 30 seconds before I recognized it—The Who’s "Pinball Wizard"! Now if I hear Motorhead coming from a marching band, you might wanna get the rubber truck ready for me…
AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR…
…for what was my favorite movie theater of all-time, the Blue Ridge 5 Cinema at 40 Hiway and I-70 in Independence. Even though I worked right across the parking lot from a 6-screen movie house at the Brywood Shopping Center for several years in the ‘80s, I much preferred to drive a little further over to Independence to see new flicks because Blue Ridge was so much nicer and the sound was excellent, especially in the big auditorium they added in the ‘80s to house blockbusters like, E.T., the Star Wars sequels, Back To The Future, etc. Sadly, the Blue Ridge 5 fell victim to the soulless 20-screen AMC stadium-seating clusterfuck mega-plex located nearby, as well as the decline of the Blue Ridge Mall just across the highway. The theater couldn’t even survive as a "dollar house" and closed for good in the late ‘90s, and its demolition is imminent in the next couple months, according to the paper. Hate to see it go, but it’s better than watching the place decay and rot like it has for the last ten years. Another chunk of my past bites the dust…
CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #4
Ever notice how when someone on TV or in a movie walks into a bar and orders up a beer, they never specify what brand they want? It’s always, "Gimme a beer," or "Can we get a round of beers?" And nine times out of ten, they hardly even drink any of it once they get it!
"NO, I DON’T GOT ANY BLUE ÖYSTER CULT…"
Even ol’ Mike Damone from Fast Times At Ridgemont High couldn’t scalp tickets to this show. I saw this ad in the paper and it made me chuckle—yes, kids, there’s no concert, but plenty of good seats are apparently still available starting at $25!
I just saw on the 'net where Mr. Roarke moved on to the real "Fantasy Island" today at age 88. I always thought Montalban made a pretty good villain as Khan in Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan. One wonders if his casket will be lined with rich Corinthian leather...
A SHOUT-OUT…
…to our good friend Randy Raley, whose radio gig in north central Illinois came to an abrupt end last week, apparently for no good reason. One of the biggest reasons I got out of the radio industry was the sheer instability of it, and I could also never get past the sad fact that one can do a kick-ass job at any radio station, and yet still be unceremoniously fired at the drop of a hat. And that was 20 years ago—I can’t imagine trying to function in today’s cut-throat environment in the radio biz. I also didn’t love radio enough to keep banging my head against the proverbial wall and bouncing from station to station and town to town. My brief radio career was fun while it lasted, but I honestly don’t miss it all that much now—I much prefer having a steady job.
As for you, Randy, you’re one of a dying breed whose heart and soul is in the radio biz (no matter how corporate it’s become), and I respect and admire your propensity for sticking with it. You also seem pretty resilient, so I’m confident something new will work out for you, hopefully soon. Hang in there, dude—you’re a damn fine human being and a credit to your profession.
THE BOULEVARD GETS DETOURED
Speaking of corporate radio FUBARs, barely a year into its existence, the much-ballyhooed 99.7 The Boulevard (which replaced K.C. Album Rock legend 99.7 KY) is changing formats again. According to Entercom, the revamped station will offer Kansas City women "a blend of starpower, celebrity access, pop culture and today's hit music," and it will be built around the syndicated "On Air with Ryan Seacrest". I think I'd rather jab ice picks in my eyes than listen to that no-talent wanker...
While I'm not shedding any tears over the Boulevard's demise, I'm sure at this very moment, a few distraught Jackson Browne fans are chaining themselves to the station's studios in protest. Even though they did play some great album tracks now and then like Pete Townshend's "Slit Skirts" and Elton John's "Burn Down The Mission", the Blvd. was your basic bore and wasn't destined to last anyway. Ironically, 102 The Zone, which replaced the original KY-102, also only lasted a year before changing formats again. And the band played on...
HOLY MOLY, IT’S PIOLI!
I was beginning to worry that the Chefs would screw around and miss out on snagging Scott Pioli as their new GM, but yesterday owner Clark Hunt bagged the big fish he was looking for after all. Based on his track record with the Patriots, this man should be light years better than Carl Peterson ever was at evaluating talent and making smart draft choices/free agent acquisitions. This apparently will also be the end of Herm Edwards’ term as head coach, and although I like Herm for the most part, I think it’s time to make a clean break and bring in someone new with no previous ties to the team, which is pretty much what the Chefs have done for the last 12 years or so—Marty Schottenheimer was replaced by defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham, who was replaced by Dick Vermeil (a crony of Peterson’s), who was replaced by Edwards (a crony of Vermeil's), who previously was also an assistant here. Other than Bill Cowher, I don’t want to see any former Chiefs assistants on the new coaching staff—let’s start over and see what happens. By the way, interesting irony/coincidence that the Bush Administration and Carl Peterson era here are ending at almost the same time. In both cases, nowhere to go but up…
WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY PITY-PARTY"
This week’s special guest star, Sarah Palin! Yes, Ms. Winky-Dink was back in the spotlight this week whining that the big bad news media was mean to her during the campaign. She also complained that Caroline Kennedy isn’t being taken to task for her lack of experience in the same way that Palin was. Beg to differ, Winky, but I don’t exactly see the media warming up to the idea of "Senator Caroline" any more than they did to "VP Palin". Boy, for someone who claims to be a maverick lipstick-wearing, moose-dressing pit bull of a hockey mom, she sure can’t take criticism worth a damn. Uhhh, you’re a politician, sweetheart—it comes with the territory.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…
I was watching an old "Quincy, M.E." rerun on DVD last week, and in one scene set at a cheesy casino nightclub/lounge, the house band featured not one, but TWO bass players. Two bass players, Gracie?!? I’ve seen bands with two drummers before, but never two bassists. Even funnier, one of them was right-handed and the other was left-handed, both playing Fender basses. And the lefty evidently attended the Danny Bonaduce School of Bass Playing, because there he was just a-strummin’ away on his four-string axe, instead of plucking it. Can you just imagine what it woulda sounded like if the bloody thing was actually plugged in to an amp?
THESE AREN’T YOUR FATHER’S MARCHING BANDS
Back when I was a kid, college marching bands always played show tunes and such during halftime shows. Nowadays, it’s downright disconcerting to hear them play heavy metal, as with the U. of Texas and their tribute to Led Zeppelin last week at the Fiesta Bowl. I couldn’t believe I was hearing "Black Dog" from a brass band, as well as "Kashmir" and "Stairway To Heaven". Oklahoma’s band also played a tune during their halftime show last week that it took me about 30 seconds before I recognized it—The Who’s "Pinball Wizard"! Now if I hear Motorhead coming from a marching band, you might wanna get the rubber truck ready for me…
AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR…
…for what was my favorite movie theater of all-time, the Blue Ridge 5 Cinema at 40 Hiway and I-70 in Independence. Even though I worked right across the parking lot from a 6-screen movie house at the Brywood Shopping Center for several years in the ‘80s, I much preferred to drive a little further over to Independence to see new flicks because Blue Ridge was so much nicer and the sound was excellent, especially in the big auditorium they added in the ‘80s to house blockbusters like, E.T., the Star Wars sequels, Back To The Future, etc. Sadly, the Blue Ridge 5 fell victim to the soulless 20-screen AMC stadium-seating clusterfuck mega-plex located nearby, as well as the decline of the Blue Ridge Mall just across the highway. The theater couldn’t even survive as a "dollar house" and closed for good in the late ‘90s, and its demolition is imminent in the next couple months, according to the paper. Hate to see it go, but it’s better than watching the place decay and rot like it has for the last ten years. Another chunk of my past bites the dust…CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #4
Ever notice how when someone on TV or in a movie walks into a bar and orders up a beer, they never specify what brand they want? It’s always, "Gimme a beer," or "Can we get a round of beers?" And nine times out of ten, they hardly even drink any of it once they get it!
"NO, I DON’T GOT ANY BLUE ÖYSTER CULT…"
Even ol’ Mike Damone from Fast Times At Ridgemont High couldn’t scalp tickets to this show. I saw this ad in the paper and it made me chuckle—yes, kids, there’s no concert, but plenty of good seats are apparently still available starting at $25!
Monday, January 12, 2009
May the farce be with you!
After football yesterday, I kicked back and watched back-to-back-to-back Star Wars flicks (the original trilogy) on SpikeTV. It occurs to me that in this day and age of virtually no creativity in Hollywood, it's only a matter of time before Hollywood assualts us with the inevitable Star Wars remakes with today's generation of actors. So I played casting director and came up with the "new generation" of Jedi lore:
Luke Skywalker...Leonardo DiCaprio
Darth Vader...Gene Simmons
Han Solo...Ted Danson
Princess Leia...Kate Winslet (or Peri Gilpin)
Obi-Wan Kenobi...Sean Connery
C-3PO...David Hyde-Pierce
R2-D2...Himself (Hey, if he ain't broke, don't fix him, I say!)
Chewbacca the Wookiee...Shaquille O'Neal
Yoda...Verne Troyer (aka, Mini-Me)
Lando Calrissian...Denzel Washington
Boba Fett...Bono
Jabba The Hut...Sally Struthers (or Star Jones)
Governor Tarkin...Patrick Stewart
Emperor Palpatine...Gary Oldman
Ewoks...Danny DeVito/Rhea Perlman, et al
Wedge Antilles...Adam Sandler
Other suggestions/changes are quite welcome, so feel free to whip out your light sabre and wail away!
May the Force be with us, always...
Cecil B. DeHolland :)
Luke Skywalker...Leonardo DiCaprio
Darth Vader...Gene Simmons
Han Solo...Ted Danson
Princess Leia...Kate Winslet (or Peri Gilpin)
Obi-Wan Kenobi...Sean Connery
C-3PO...David Hyde-Pierce
R2-D2...Himself (Hey, if he ain't broke, don't fix him, I say!)
Chewbacca the Wookiee...Shaquille O'Neal
Yoda...Verne Troyer (aka, Mini-Me)
Lando Calrissian...Denzel Washington
Boba Fett...Bono
Jabba The Hut...Sally Struthers (or Star Jones)
Governor Tarkin...Patrick Stewart
Emperor Palpatine...Gary Oldman
Ewoks...Danny DeVito/Rhea Perlman, et al
Wedge Antilles...Adam Sandler
Other suggestions/changes are quite welcome, so feel free to whip out your light sabre and wail away!
May the Force be with us, always...
Cecil B. DeHolland :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Stealin' when I shoulda been bloggin'
Was that my first Uriah Heep reference on here?!? Haven’t had much time to write this week with home remodeling projects taking up my time. Now that the bathroom is completed, I’m knee-deep in redoing my living room, which thankfully isn’t as complicated (or as expensive) as the lavoratory was, just more time-consuming because of its vast size. If all goes well, it should be done by mid-February or so, just in time to do the kitchen.
TODAY WAS/IS ELVIS’ BIRTHDAY…
That means it’s time for my annual appeal: Those of you who have yet to unplug and/or take down your outdoor Christmas decorations need to do so immediately! We’re well into January now…
FINALLY, I KNOW WHAT I AM…
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve struggled with my political identity over the past couple years. I’m hardly a conservative, although I do have a handful of (mostly social) conservative attitudes (my distaste for tattoos on women, for instance), but then again, although I tend to lean to the left, I don’t exactly embrace the whole "bleeding heart" liberal scene either (the trendy and farcically fashionable "going green" fad, for instance). However, thanks to comedian Dana Carvey, I’ve found what I think is a pretty accurate description of my political slant in a term that he coined about his own political convictions—I now officially consider myself a "radical moderate". Now I can at least define what team I play for…
FRANKEN SENSE?
Somehow, I just can’t wrap my brain around the thought of "Senator" Al Franken, who (for the moment, anyway) has been declared the winner this week in Minnesota’s contested Senate race. Why it took over two months in this modern day and age to recount the votes is beyond me, but I loved how the newspaper here referred to him as "former comedian" Al Franken—I wasn’t aware that he ever was one! I remember watching "Saturday Night Live" when I was in junior high school, and even then, Franken always came across as an unfunny snarky smart-ass to me, and after re-watching the old SNLs on DVD as an adult, my opinion of him hasn’t changed very much. I think Franken’s strength on SNL may have lain more as a writer instead of as a performer, but I’m still having trouble taking him seriously as a politician. For those who accuse me of being a radical left-winger (this means YOU, John!), I’d like to point out here that I’m picking on a liberal…
BIGGUS DICKUS?
Speaking of SNL, I’m in the midst of reading an interesting oral history of the show called Live From New York by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller. It features great behind-the-scenes stories as told by practically everyone who was ever involved with the show, apart from those who are no longer with us (John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Chris Farley and Phil Hartman) as well as Eddie Murphy, who apparently wants to pretend he was never on the show. One of the funniest stories involves the rather infamous 1979 episode with TV legend Milton Berle hosting. SNL writer Alan Zweibel had previously worked with Berle and wrote a lot of jokes for him, many of which alluded to Berle’s notorious well-endowed-ness. Zweibel picks up the story in the SNL dressing room on the night Uncle Miltie hosted:
"He’s sitting on a couch behind a coffee table and he’s wearing a very short bathrobe, the kind that comes down to about mid-thigh. And somehow, I say to him, ‘You know, it’s so weird that I’m here talking to you, because for years I was writing jokes about your dick…I feel like there’s some violation or something here.’ He says to me, ‘You mean you never saw it?’ I said, ‘Uh, no, I don’t believe I did.’ Then he said, ‘Well, would you like to?’ And before I had a chance to say, ‘Not really’…he parts his bathrobe and he just takes out this—this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I’m looking into this thing, right? I’m looking into the head of Milton Berle’s dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, ‘What do you think of the boy?’ And I go, ‘Oh, it’s really, really nice.’ At which point Gilda opens the door to the dressing room…"
That episode of the show was not a particularly good one, and Berle was rather uncooperative during rehearsals and such. I’ve read more than one account that said Milton Berle was a very unpleasant person to deal with (check out his bio on Find A Death.com, for instance), so I think it’s safe to say that Uncle Miltie had/was one big prick!
ANY OL’ EXCUSE WILL DO, EH OPEC?
So nice of them OPECkers to jack the gas prices up about 30 cents a gallon over the last couple weeks because of the whole Gaza Strip mess, never mind that the conflict doesn’t have a freakin’ thing to do with oil. As for the Israelis and Hamas, and the Palestinians and Lebanon and all the rest of that bunch over there, I don’t care who’s right and who’s wrong and who’s justified in attacking who, whatever—just fucking settle this shit already! Enough is enough.
DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!
While channel-surfing the other morning, I stumbled across Ann Coulter on the "Today Show", and sure enough there was that Adam’s apple bobbing up and down like a dead salmon in choppy waters—I swear this skank is a transsexual! I also still say that for someone who claims to be a conservative, it seems disingenuous that her skirts are often short enough to be belts. Must be time for another one of Ann’s bilge-infested right-wing books to come out if she’s making the rounds on the talk show circuit again…
WHAT IS A UTE?
Joe Pesci probably couldn’t explain it either, but I guess we’ll never know how good the Utah football team really is, even though they finished their season undefeated, yet were denied an opportunity to play for the national championship in favor of two one-loss teams tonight, Florida and Oklahoma. I understand the whole strength-of-schedule BCS ranking stuff and all that, but what’s the point of being in Division IA if your team does the best it could possibly do in the regular season, yet has no shot at the national title under any circumstances?
ANOTHER HEADLINE I CAN DO WITHOUT…
"Oprah’s angry about her weight." Then lay off the bon-bons, sweetheart! B.F.D….
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #3
If there’s a fireplace in any given set on a TV show (esp. soap operas) or in a movie, there’s a 99.7% chance that there will be an unattended roaring fire blazing away in it that requires absolutely no stoking whatsoever to maintain the flames at a consistent level. Makes no difference whether it’s the middle of summer (like in Bridges of Madison County) or if the story is set on a warm sunny day in Southern California, there’ll be a nice toasty fire to roast marshmallows over and/or ward off all that potential frostbite.
SQUAD 51 REVISITED
While I’m on the subject of fire, thanks to the dearth of decent programming on cable TV today, I’ve been mining more and more old-school TV on DVD recently and rediscovered an old Saturday night staple at our house in my youth, NBC’s firehouse action drama "Emergency!", starring Randolph Mantooth, Kevin Tighe, Robert Fuller, Bobby Troup and Julie London (that great British actress). The various accidents and rescues that they staged on that show were surprisingly realistic for the early ‘70s, but ain’t it amazing how nearly every time Fireman Gage (Mantooth) or DeSoto (Tighe) phoned in a trauma case to Rampart Hospital, either Dr. Brackett (Fuller), Dr. Early (Troup) or nurse Dixie McCall (London)—or any combination of the three—would always be conveniently standing right there by the phone to respond? And Brackett’s instructions were always the same: "Start an I.V. with D5W and transport as soon as possible…" Station 51 must have had one helluva district to serve, as one minute they’d be rescuing someone in Watts, next they’d be up in the Hollywood hills somewhere, and after that they’d be at Santa Monica Pier. I now know from personal experience that it’s humanly impossible to get around L.A. that fast!
I’d forgotten that there was a burgeoning romance early on in the show between Dr. Brackett and nurse McCall, which was kinda weird in a way because Julie London and Bobby Troup were married in real life. Unfortunately, during its five-year run, "Emergency!" failed to develop new and interesting characters along the way, so we were basically stuck with the same five people throughout and the show got stale rather quickly. Still, I have fond memories of re-enacting scenes from the show on the playground with the other kids at school, playing a junior paramedic!
TODAY WAS/IS ELVIS’ BIRTHDAY…
That means it’s time for my annual appeal: Those of you who have yet to unplug and/or take down your outdoor Christmas decorations need to do so immediately! We’re well into January now…
FINALLY, I KNOW WHAT I AM…
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve struggled with my political identity over the past couple years. I’m hardly a conservative, although I do have a handful of (mostly social) conservative attitudes (my distaste for tattoos on women, for instance), but then again, although I tend to lean to the left, I don’t exactly embrace the whole "bleeding heart" liberal scene either (the trendy and farcically fashionable "going green" fad, for instance). However, thanks to comedian Dana Carvey, I’ve found what I think is a pretty accurate description of my political slant in a term that he coined about his own political convictions—I now officially consider myself a "radical moderate". Now I can at least define what team I play for…
FRANKEN SENSE?
Somehow, I just can’t wrap my brain around the thought of "Senator" Al Franken, who (for the moment, anyway) has been declared the winner this week in Minnesota’s contested Senate race. Why it took over two months in this modern day and age to recount the votes is beyond me, but I loved how the newspaper here referred to him as "former comedian" Al Franken—I wasn’t aware that he ever was one! I remember watching "Saturday Night Live" when I was in junior high school, and even then, Franken always came across as an unfunny snarky smart-ass to me, and after re-watching the old SNLs on DVD as an adult, my opinion of him hasn’t changed very much. I think Franken’s strength on SNL may have lain more as a writer instead of as a performer, but I’m still having trouble taking him seriously as a politician. For those who accuse me of being a radical left-winger (this means YOU, John!), I’d like to point out here that I’m picking on a liberal…
BIGGUS DICKUS?
Speaking of SNL, I’m in the midst of reading an interesting oral history of the show called Live From New York by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller. It features great behind-the-scenes stories as told by practically everyone who was ever involved with the show, apart from those who are no longer with us (John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Chris Farley and Phil Hartman) as well as Eddie Murphy, who apparently wants to pretend he was never on the show. One of the funniest stories involves the rather infamous 1979 episode with TV legend Milton Berle hosting. SNL writer Alan Zweibel had previously worked with Berle and wrote a lot of jokes for him, many of which alluded to Berle’s notorious well-endowed-ness. Zweibel picks up the story in the SNL dressing room on the night Uncle Miltie hosted:
"He’s sitting on a couch behind a coffee table and he’s wearing a very short bathrobe, the kind that comes down to about mid-thigh. And somehow, I say to him, ‘You know, it’s so weird that I’m here talking to you, because for years I was writing jokes about your dick…I feel like there’s some violation or something here.’ He says to me, ‘You mean you never saw it?’ I said, ‘Uh, no, I don’t believe I did.’ Then he said, ‘Well, would you like to?’ And before I had a chance to say, ‘Not really’…he parts his bathrobe and he just takes out this—this anaconda. He lays it on the table and I’m looking into this thing, right? I’m looking into the head of Milton Berle’s dick. It was enormous. It was like a pepperoni. And he goes, ‘What do you think of the boy?’ And I go, ‘Oh, it’s really, really nice.’ At which point Gilda opens the door to the dressing room…"
That episode of the show was not a particularly good one, and Berle was rather uncooperative during rehearsals and such. I’ve read more than one account that said Milton Berle was a very unpleasant person to deal with (check out his bio on Find A Death.com, for instance), so I think it’s safe to say that Uncle Miltie had/was one big prick!
ANY OL’ EXCUSE WILL DO, EH OPEC?
So nice of them OPECkers to jack the gas prices up about 30 cents a gallon over the last couple weeks because of the whole Gaza Strip mess, never mind that the conflict doesn’t have a freakin’ thing to do with oil. As for the Israelis and Hamas, and the Palestinians and Lebanon and all the rest of that bunch over there, I don’t care who’s right and who’s wrong and who’s justified in attacking who, whatever—just fucking settle this shit already! Enough is enough.
DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!
While channel-surfing the other morning, I stumbled across Ann Coulter on the "Today Show", and sure enough there was that Adam’s apple bobbing up and down like a dead salmon in choppy waters—I swear this skank is a transsexual! I also still say that for someone who claims to be a conservative, it seems disingenuous that her skirts are often short enough to be belts. Must be time for another one of Ann’s bilge-infested right-wing books to come out if she’s making the rounds on the talk show circuit again…
WHAT IS A UTE?
Joe Pesci probably couldn’t explain it either, but I guess we’ll never know how good the Utah football team really is, even though they finished their season undefeated, yet were denied an opportunity to play for the national championship in favor of two one-loss teams tonight, Florida and Oklahoma. I understand the whole strength-of-schedule BCS ranking stuff and all that, but what’s the point of being in Division IA if your team does the best it could possibly do in the regular season, yet has no shot at the national title under any circumstances?
ANOTHER HEADLINE I CAN DO WITHOUT…
"Oprah’s angry about her weight." Then lay off the bon-bons, sweetheart! B.F.D….
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #3
If there’s a fireplace in any given set on a TV show (esp. soap operas) or in a movie, there’s a 99.7% chance that there will be an unattended roaring fire blazing away in it that requires absolutely no stoking whatsoever to maintain the flames at a consistent level. Makes no difference whether it’s the middle of summer (like in Bridges of Madison County) or if the story is set on a warm sunny day in Southern California, there’ll be a nice toasty fire to roast marshmallows over and/or ward off all that potential frostbite.
SQUAD 51 REVISITED
While I’m on the subject of fire, thanks to the dearth of decent programming on cable TV today, I’ve been mining more and more old-school TV on DVD recently and rediscovered an old Saturday night staple at our house in my youth, NBC’s firehouse action drama "Emergency!", starring Randolph Mantooth, Kevin Tighe, Robert Fuller, Bobby Troup and Julie London (that great British actress). The various accidents and rescues that they staged on that show were surprisingly realistic for the early ‘70s, but ain’t it amazing how nearly every time Fireman Gage (Mantooth) or DeSoto (Tighe) phoned in a trauma case to Rampart Hospital, either Dr. Brackett (Fuller), Dr. Early (Troup) or nurse Dixie McCall (London)—or any combination of the three—would always be conveniently standing right there by the phone to respond? And Brackett’s instructions were always the same: "Start an I.V. with D5W and transport as soon as possible…" Station 51 must have had one helluva district to serve, as one minute they’d be rescuing someone in Watts, next they’d be up in the Hollywood hills somewhere, and after that they’d be at Santa Monica Pier. I now know from personal experience that it’s humanly impossible to get around L.A. that fast!
I’d forgotten that there was a burgeoning romance early on in the show between Dr. Brackett and nurse McCall, which was kinda weird in a way because Julie London and Bobby Troup were married in real life. Unfortunately, during its five-year run, "Emergency!" failed to develop new and interesting characters along the way, so we were basically stuck with the same five people throughout and the show got stale rather quickly. Still, I have fond memories of re-enacting scenes from the show on the playground with the other kids at school, playing a junior paramedic!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
"Another year over...
...a new one's just begun."--J. Lennon
And not a minute too soon! 2008 was a rather sucky year, overall. It wasn't so bad for me personally, but I know it was a rotten year for a lot of people, given the mass unemployment caused by the recession and economy and all, as well as for a few friends of mine. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions per se, but I have begun chanting the mantra from the Edgar Winter Group classic "Free Ride": "We (I) gotta do better...'cause nobody's winning at this kind of game." My gut feeling is things are going to gradually turn around for lots of folks, and 2009 will be a much better year.
"I DUNNO IF I WAS REALLY DRUNK AT THE TIME..."
Here would be yours truly ringing in the new year the other night at the gig played by my good friend Phil Alvarez and his band, Headz Up, on NYE. Either that, or I was doing my Oliver Hardy impression! I've added the band's website link to the right here for those of you in the K.C. area who might be looking to get out and enjoy some loud, rhythmic music. If you like variety, you'll find it with Headz Up—any band that can go from playing Prince, the Commodores and "Play That Funky Music" (white boyz!) in one set, to playing Johnny Cash, Black Sabbath and Z.Z. Top in another set can't be all bad! I just wish they'd lay off the "Mustang Sally" thing already...
Anyway, on NYE the music was good and the music was loud, and a good time was had by all. I also made one little observation about the folks I saw on the dance floor: Eddie Murphy was absolutely right when he discussed white people and said, "Y'all can't dance!" Me included...
GOTTA STAY ON TOP OF THESE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME...
Thanks to yours truly, the Kansas City Star had to print a correction Thursday for an error that I brought to their attention. In their annual listing of famous people who passed away in 2008, they included musician Dave Clark dead at age 64, which of course is untrue. The Star made the common mistake lots of folks do in assuming that DC was the lead singer of the Dave Clark Five, when in fact it was singer/keyboardist Mike Smith who died in February, just prior to the DC5's induction into the Crock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. Just to clarify, Dave Clark is the band's drummer, and he is indeed still among the living as far as I know...
WHAT ARE WORDS FOR, WHEN NO ONE LISTENS ANYMORE...
The good folks at Lake Superior State U. released their 34th annual list this week of Words To Be Banished From the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness (or the WTBBFTQEFMOAGU, for short). Among this year's dishonorees are 'green', 'maverick', 'first dude', 'bailout', 'Wall Street/Main Street', 'game changer', 'staycation' and 'desperate search'. And if it's not already on their list, I hereby nominate 'breaking news'. I was especially proud of the submission made by one Ed Hardiman of Bristow, VA, who said, "If I see one more corporation declare itself 'green', I'm going to start burning tires in my backyard." I'll gladly join you, Brother Ed—Amen!
SEVEN MORE YEARS, AND IT'S ALL MINE!
Today marks the 13th anniversary of the day I took possession of my humble abode. It will be officially paid-for on January 3, 2016, by which time I might actually be finished remodeling it...
NFL SEASON POST-MORTEM
How 'bout dem Cowboys! I wasn't sure if I was watching NFL football or a new sitcom on Fox last weekend, as Dallas bungled and fumbled away their game against the Philadelphia Iggles. All I know is I have never laughed so hard during a sporting event. I was also pleased to see the Patriots shut out of the playoffs (although their 11-5 record certainly warranted them being in) and Detroit completing their pursuit of perfection by going 0-16. Speaking of pursuits of perfection, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ruined mine by losing to the Raiders on Sunday in the only game I incorrectly predicted last weekend. I've been doing the picks every week for over 30 years now, and going 16-0 is the prediction equivalent to pitching a no-hitter. Thanks for nothing, Suck-a-neers...
And then there were the Chefs looking just as pitiful in going 2-14 and securing the #3 pick in the '09 draft. Someone please explain to me why the Chefs were still running TV ads after the Cincinnati game on Sunday encouraging people to call TicketBastard to order game tickets—there are no more games this year!!
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #2
Is it just me, or is it (without fail) that in nearly every movie or TV show since the '70s that's set in San Francisco, the main character either lives in an apartment or has an office with a great view of either the TransAmerica Building, Bay Bridge or Golden Gate Bridge?
DEEP THOUGHT
Are the people who hail from Maine known as "Mainiacs"?
TEARIN' DOWN THE HOUSE—UPDATE
Shea Stadium is rapidly wasting away...
And not a minute too soon! 2008 was a rather sucky year, overall. It wasn't so bad for me personally, but I know it was a rotten year for a lot of people, given the mass unemployment caused by the recession and economy and all, as well as for a few friends of mine. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions per se, but I have begun chanting the mantra from the Edgar Winter Group classic "Free Ride": "We (I) gotta do better...'cause nobody's winning at this kind of game." My gut feeling is things are going to gradually turn around for lots of folks, and 2009 will be a much better year.
"I DUNNO IF I WAS REALLY DRUNK AT THE TIME..."
Here would be yours truly ringing in the new year the other night at the gig played by my good friend Phil Alvarez and his band, Headz Up, on NYE. Either that, or I was doing my Oliver Hardy impression! I've added the band's website link to the right here for those of you in the K.C. area who might be looking to get out and enjoy some loud, rhythmic music. If you like variety, you'll find it with Headz Up—any band that can go from playing Prince, the Commodores and "Play That Funky Music" (white boyz!) in one set, to playing Johnny Cash, Black Sabbath and Z.Z. Top in another set can't be all bad! I just wish they'd lay off the "Mustang Sally" thing already...Anyway, on NYE the music was good and the music was loud, and a good time was had by all. I also made one little observation about the folks I saw on the dance floor: Eddie Murphy was absolutely right when he discussed white people and said, "Y'all can't dance!" Me included...
GOTTA STAY ON TOP OF THESE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME...
Thanks to yours truly, the Kansas City Star had to print a correction Thursday for an error that I brought to their attention. In their annual listing of famous people who passed away in 2008, they included musician Dave Clark dead at age 64, which of course is untrue. The Star made the common mistake lots of folks do in assuming that DC was the lead singer of the Dave Clark Five, when in fact it was singer/keyboardist Mike Smith who died in February, just prior to the DC5's induction into the Crock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. Just to clarify, Dave Clark is the band's drummer, and he is indeed still among the living as far as I know...
WHAT ARE WORDS FOR, WHEN NO ONE LISTENS ANYMORE...
The good folks at Lake Superior State U. released their 34th annual list this week of Words To Be Banished From the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness (or the WTBBFTQEFMOAGU, for short). Among this year's dishonorees are 'green', 'maverick', 'first dude', 'bailout', 'Wall Street/Main Street', 'game changer', 'staycation' and 'desperate search'. And if it's not already on their list, I hereby nominate 'breaking news'. I was especially proud of the submission made by one Ed Hardiman of Bristow, VA, who said, "If I see one more corporation declare itself 'green', I'm going to start burning tires in my backyard." I'll gladly join you, Brother Ed—Amen!
SEVEN MORE YEARS, AND IT'S ALL MINE!
Today marks the 13th anniversary of the day I took possession of my humble abode. It will be officially paid-for on January 3, 2016, by which time I might actually be finished remodeling it...
NFL SEASON POST-MORTEM
How 'bout dem Cowboys! I wasn't sure if I was watching NFL football or a new sitcom on Fox last weekend, as Dallas bungled and fumbled away their game against the Philadelphia Iggles. All I know is I have never laughed so hard during a sporting event. I was also pleased to see the Patriots shut out of the playoffs (although their 11-5 record certainly warranted them being in) and Detroit completing their pursuit of perfection by going 0-16. Speaking of pursuits of perfection, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ruined mine by losing to the Raiders on Sunday in the only game I incorrectly predicted last weekend. I've been doing the picks every week for over 30 years now, and going 16-0 is the prediction equivalent to pitching a no-hitter. Thanks for nothing, Suck-a-neers...
And then there were the Chefs looking just as pitiful in going 2-14 and securing the #3 pick in the '09 draft. Someone please explain to me why the Chefs were still running TV ads after the Cincinnati game on Sunday encouraging people to call TicketBastard to order game tickets—there are no more games this year!!
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #2
Is it just me, or is it (without fail) that in nearly every movie or TV show since the '70s that's set in San Francisco, the main character either lives in an apartment or has an office with a great view of either the TransAmerica Building, Bay Bridge or Golden Gate Bridge?
DEEP THOUGHT
Are the people who hail from Maine known as "Mainiacs"?
TEARIN' DOWN THE HOUSE—UPDATE
Shea Stadium is rapidly wasting away...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 Asshole(s) of The Year - Part 2
The rest of the worst. Once again, reader discretion is advised for those who are easily offended...
Sean Avery (NHL agitator) In hockey, agitators can be a good thing to have on one’s team, but there’s a fine line between being a productive goon and being an obnoxious boor, and this cocky dimwit constantly crosses it. Avery makes the guys on the Charlestown Chiefs look like model citizens. Kudos to the Dallas Stars for dropping him like a bad habit following his "sloppy seconds" comments.
Al Davis (managing partner, Oakland Raiders) The man gets more and more senile as time goes on and his "Commitment to Excellence" mantra is only half-right—the man needs to be committed, that’s for sure. His handling of head coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal this season was downright bizarre. Just retire, baby—please!
Niecy Nash (host of Style Channel’s "Clean House") I swear, every time I tune in this network while channel surfing, there’s this airhead with the fake flower in her wig and enough collagen in her lips to fill up a 747 doing her "you go, girl" shtick with a bunch of idiots who are too stupid to organize their own belongings. A pox on all of them!
Walmart Black Friday stampeders I have no respect for over-zealous Neanderthal shoppers who value sweet deals on X-Boxes and such way more more than a man’s life. Fucking barbarians…
Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame induction committee These are the people who think John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen (who?!?) and Madonna are HOF material, while Deep Purple, the Moody Blues and Stevie Ray Vaughan are not. What a sham. What a shame, too.
Hearne Christopher (former K.C. Star gossip columnist) See my previous post on why he’s here. There’s about as much call for being a gossip columnist in Kansas City as there is for being a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model at The Vatican.
Deion Sanders (NFL Network color analyst) For questioning the manhood of Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson for not toughing it out and playing through a severe foot injury in the playoffs against the Patriots. This from a guy who dresses like a pimp and couldn’t even tackle Miley Cyrus.
Heather Mills (ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney) For trying to put Sir Paul in the poor house by staking a claim to most of his fortune during their contentious divorce proceedings. Uhhh, I don’t remember her writing any of those Beatles songs, do you? I hope she winds up marrying some schlub like Joey Tribbiani and he throws her wooden leg in the fireplace!
Revs. Al Sharpton/Pat Robertson/Jesse "cut his nuts off" Jackson, et al I have very little use for religious "leaders" like these. If that’s your best, your best won’t do.
Fox News Channel I’ll give them this much—at least they’re consistently slanted to the Right. I was rather disappointed they didn’t try to claim that Barack Obama "looks French" during the campaign.
Michelle Malkin/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Jonah Goldberg/Geraldo Rivera/Dr. Laura/Sean Hannity/Dennis Miller, et al I’m taking the easy way out again this year and lumping all these right-wing columnists/pundits/antagonists into one entry because it would take me until the end of next year to denote all their transgressions! Sqwaukin’ Malkin probably deserves Idiot of The Year honors for trying to get people to believe that vapid daytime hostess Rachel Ray’s scarf in a Dunkin’ Donuts TV ad was some sort of Islamic Jihad symbol. Coulter, Hannity, Limbaugh and O’Reilly are also in the running for Asshole of the Decade honors.
George W. Bush/Dick Cheney Also in the hunt for Asshole of The Decade, both earned their place on this list by default. These two have brought this country’s collective psyche to its knees, and it's going to take years to fully recover from it. Even if Obama is an abject failure as President (and I don’t think he will be), he’s got to be better than what we’ve been through these last eight years. Good riddance to both of them!
Sasquatch This is the code name I use for the foul-smelling former female co-worker that we had to deal with at my job until they finally fired her ass in April. This woman thought nothing of parking her car all day in designated handicapped spaces (even though there’s nothing wrong with her, apart from her poor vaginal hygiene), was constantly late to work, spent hours on end yapping on her cell phone (during work time) and often had to take time off to deal with her incorrigible out-of-control children and/or go to court for her various vehicular accidents. From what we’ve heard, Stinky-Poo landed a job elsewhere and is now fouling up someone else’s medical facility. Better them than us!
Mark Funkhouser/Gloria Squitiro (Mayor of Kansas City and his idiot wife) Speaking of Funks, this Lurch from "Addams Family" look-alike has been nothing but a joke since taking office two years ago, and his meddling wife with the Yoko Ono complex has been an absolute embarrassment to the city with her racial slurs ("Mammy" being the most infamous) and interference in official city business. These two recently took their story to ABC and had a pity-party on "Good Morning, America" for the whole nation to see. It’s gotten to the point now where folks are calling for a recall election to oust this boob. I’d vote his ass out of office in a heartbeat if I actually lived in K.C. proper.
Ozzie Guillen (Chicago White Sox manager) This poor sport’s act has gotten really stale over the last couple years after being a media darling for the likes of ESPN, et al. Can’t seem to get over his raging paranoia about the crosstown Cubbies being infinitely more popular than his South Side squad, in spite of winning the World Series in 2005. Could it possibly be that the Cubs conduct themselves with a little class, win or lose?
Jose Guillen (Kansas City Royals right fielder) No relation to Ozzie, but every bit as irritating, this guy has done nothing but whimper and whine since his arrival here, whether it be about the fans, the coaching staff, the media, the front office, the bat boys, the weather, whatever. He’s supposed to be our ace slugger, but he only hit .264 with 20 home runs—not exactly scintillating numbers for a power hitter. His defenders all keep saying what a "great teammate" Guillen is, but seeing’s how he’s worn out his welcome with nine other teams in his career prior to the Royals, I find that hard to believe.
Josef Fritzi (Austrian sicko) What a sweet Dad this booger was! Imprisoned his own daughter in his basement and fathered children with her, among other disgusting things. And yet he claimed that it was the mean old media that portrayed him as some sort of monster. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…
Allstate Insurance For overcharging me on my homeowner’s and automobile insurance for the last several years. Thanks to my new alliance with Farmers Insurance Group, I’ll be paying less than half of what Allstate’s been sticking me for on property insurance, even though I’ve never ever filed a claim on my humble abode in the 13 years I’ve lived in it. My new car insurance deal is about 2/3 of my old premiums too. That’s my stand, Allstate—what’s yours?
Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania) The economy was going down the toilet, millions of people were losing their jobs, the war in Iraq raged on, et al. Yet, all Specter had to worry about in September were the allegations that the New England Patriots may have spied on his Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl four years ago, so he pitched a fit about it and tried to enact a government probe into the matter. It figures that he's a Republican. Get over it, Senator…
Tony Kornheiser (arrogant condescending ESPN commentator) This hack is such a hypocrite, as he can dish it out to players and coaches, but goes ballistic if anyone dares to even slightly criticize his work (like ESPN’s mild-mannered Mike Golic once did). The Great Kornholio will rip on some player or coach left and right—right up until he interviews that player or coach on "Pardon The Interruption" and then he totally kisses their ass. Kornheiser’s constant hockey-bashing doesn’t endear me to him either, and he adds absolutely nothing to ESPN’s "Monday Night Football" broadcasts. He makes one almost long for the halcyon days of Dennis Miller or (gulp!) O.J. Simpson calling MNF games. Hell, one of Howard Cosell’s old toupees would enhance their telecasts more than this guy does.
Milton Bradley (psycho Texas Rangers outfielder) This clown tried to hunt down benign Royals TV announcer Ryan Lefebvre following a game at Kauffman Stadium after being enraged by comments Lefebvre made in regards to Bradley’s numerous behavioral issues. Lefebvre astutely noted how Milty would do well to follow the example of how teammate Josh Hamilton resurrected his life and career after years of being a first class fool. What’s more, the game Bradley was watching on TV was one he was still playing in! Way to keep focus, pal…
Kathy Griffin (annoying Joan Rivers wanna-be comedian) Oh, how she irritates me—let me count the ways! What a waste of perfectly good red hair…
Dick Vitale (omnipresent ESPN college basketball analyst) Mute buttons don’t stand a chance against this loud-mouthed rube and even throat surgery couldn’t shut him up. This joker takes over every game broadcast he’s on and makes them all about him. Put a sock in it, bay-bee!!!
Billy Packer (former CBS college basketball analyst) Thankfully, 2008 will be Packer’s final Final Four, as CBS finally had the good sense to part ways with this biased pro-ACC/pro-Big East moron. As a Missouri fan, I was more than pleased to see a Big 12 team—even arch-rival Kansas—show Packer up and win the big show.
Bernard Madoff (Ponzi scheme scumbag) I don’t even fully understand all the shit this palooka pulled off yet, but any guy who bilks innocent people (and even corporations) out of tons of money should be strung up by his nutsack. Sit on it, Ponzi!
Super 8 Motels For neglecting to mention when I made my on-line reservation with them this summer for downtown San Francisco that there was no free off-street parking for that particular location, and that I would have to pay an additional $20 a night for valet service. The hotel they depicted on the website didn’t match the one I stayed in, either. As tacky as they might be, at least Motel 6 has never screwed me over like this.
Phill Kline (God-playing overzealous pro-life Johnson County, KS District Attorney) This horses’ ass oversteps his authority time and time again in his attempts to close down abortion clinics in Kansas, yet he wasn’t opposed to the option of seeking the death penalty in the murder trial of the punk who raped and killed teenager Kelsey Smith. Even though I live in Missouri, I’m glad that his term is ending soon, but something tells me he won’t go away quietly.
Esther Another nuisance co-worker who has been a thorn in my side and bane of my existence for well over six years. We referred to her as "Esther" because of her resemblance to Grandma Walton, and she single-handedly turned ineptitude into an art form in her medical records position, which she thankfully resigned from in June—a belated birthday gift for yours truly! On top of everything else, Esther is a God-fearing, born-again super Christian, and upon her departure, she had the unmitigated gall to send me (and only me) one of those church pamphlets quoting scripture accompanied with a typewritten personal note telling me that she prays for me and said I needed to find Jesus to straighten my life out. Sanctimonious sacks of shit like her are a big reason why I'm a non-believer in the first place! I got the last laugh, though, when I showed the literature Esther sent me—which is considered a form of harrassment in the workplace—to my manager, who placed it in Esther's permanent file, thus meaning she has zero chance of ever being rehired by my employer if she ever tries to return. I felt like Sgt. Carter finally being rid of Gomer on the day she left our employ!
A boot to the head to one and all who made my 2008 Asshole(s) of The Year review! Let's hope there won't be so many candidates for the 2009 list...
Sean Avery (NHL agitator) In hockey, agitators can be a good thing to have on one’s team, but there’s a fine line between being a productive goon and being an obnoxious boor, and this cocky dimwit constantly crosses it. Avery makes the guys on the Charlestown Chiefs look like model citizens. Kudos to the Dallas Stars for dropping him like a bad habit following his "sloppy seconds" comments.
Al Davis (managing partner, Oakland Raiders) The man gets more and more senile as time goes on and his "Commitment to Excellence" mantra is only half-right—the man needs to be committed, that’s for sure. His handling of head coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal this season was downright bizarre. Just retire, baby—please!
Niecy Nash (host of Style Channel’s "Clean House") I swear, every time I tune in this network while channel surfing, there’s this airhead with the fake flower in her wig and enough collagen in her lips to fill up a 747 doing her "you go, girl" shtick with a bunch of idiots who are too stupid to organize their own belongings. A pox on all of them!
Walmart Black Friday stampeders I have no respect for over-zealous Neanderthal shoppers who value sweet deals on X-Boxes and such way more more than a man’s life. Fucking barbarians…
Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame induction committee These are the people who think John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen (who?!?) and Madonna are HOF material, while Deep Purple, the Moody Blues and Stevie Ray Vaughan are not. What a sham. What a shame, too.
Hearne Christopher (former K.C. Star gossip columnist) See my previous post on why he’s here. There’s about as much call for being a gossip columnist in Kansas City as there is for being a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model at The Vatican.
Deion Sanders (NFL Network color analyst) For questioning the manhood of Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson for not toughing it out and playing through a severe foot injury in the playoffs against the Patriots. This from a guy who dresses like a pimp and couldn’t even tackle Miley Cyrus.
Heather Mills (ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney) For trying to put Sir Paul in the poor house by staking a claim to most of his fortune during their contentious divorce proceedings. Uhhh, I don’t remember her writing any of those Beatles songs, do you? I hope she winds up marrying some schlub like Joey Tribbiani and he throws her wooden leg in the fireplace!
Revs. Al Sharpton/Pat Robertson/Jesse "cut his nuts off" Jackson, et al I have very little use for religious "leaders" like these. If that’s your best, your best won’t do.
Fox News Channel I’ll give them this much—at least they’re consistently slanted to the Right. I was rather disappointed they didn’t try to claim that Barack Obama "looks French" during the campaign.
Michelle Malkin/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Jonah Goldberg/Geraldo Rivera/Dr. Laura/Sean Hannity/Dennis Miller, et al I’m taking the easy way out again this year and lumping all these right-wing columnists/pundits/antagonists into one entry because it would take me until the end of next year to denote all their transgressions! Sqwaukin’ Malkin probably deserves Idiot of The Year honors for trying to get people to believe that vapid daytime hostess Rachel Ray’s scarf in a Dunkin’ Donuts TV ad was some sort of Islamic Jihad symbol. Coulter, Hannity, Limbaugh and O’Reilly are also in the running for Asshole of the Decade honors.
George W. Bush/Dick Cheney Also in the hunt for Asshole of The Decade, both earned their place on this list by default. These two have brought this country’s collective psyche to its knees, and it's going to take years to fully recover from it. Even if Obama is an abject failure as President (and I don’t think he will be), he’s got to be better than what we’ve been through these last eight years. Good riddance to both of them!
Sasquatch This is the code name I use for the foul-smelling former female co-worker that we had to deal with at my job until they finally fired her ass in April. This woman thought nothing of parking her car all day in designated handicapped spaces (even though there’s nothing wrong with her, apart from her poor vaginal hygiene), was constantly late to work, spent hours on end yapping on her cell phone (during work time) and often had to take time off to deal with her incorrigible out-of-control children and/or go to court for her various vehicular accidents. From what we’ve heard, Stinky-Poo landed a job elsewhere and is now fouling up someone else’s medical facility. Better them than us!
Mark Funkhouser/Gloria Squitiro (Mayor of Kansas City and his idiot wife) Speaking of Funks, this Lurch from "Addams Family" look-alike has been nothing but a joke since taking office two years ago, and his meddling wife with the Yoko Ono complex has been an absolute embarrassment to the city with her racial slurs ("Mammy" being the most infamous) and interference in official city business. These two recently took their story to ABC and had a pity-party on "Good Morning, America" for the whole nation to see. It’s gotten to the point now where folks are calling for a recall election to oust this boob. I’d vote his ass out of office in a heartbeat if I actually lived in K.C. proper.
Ozzie Guillen (Chicago White Sox manager) This poor sport’s act has gotten really stale over the last couple years after being a media darling for the likes of ESPN, et al. Can’t seem to get over his raging paranoia about the crosstown Cubbies being infinitely more popular than his South Side squad, in spite of winning the World Series in 2005. Could it possibly be that the Cubs conduct themselves with a little class, win or lose?
Jose Guillen (Kansas City Royals right fielder) No relation to Ozzie, but every bit as irritating, this guy has done nothing but whimper and whine since his arrival here, whether it be about the fans, the coaching staff, the media, the front office, the bat boys, the weather, whatever. He’s supposed to be our ace slugger, but he only hit .264 with 20 home runs—not exactly scintillating numbers for a power hitter. His defenders all keep saying what a "great teammate" Guillen is, but seeing’s how he’s worn out his welcome with nine other teams in his career prior to the Royals, I find that hard to believe.
Josef Fritzi (Austrian sicko) What a sweet Dad this booger was! Imprisoned his own daughter in his basement and fathered children with her, among other disgusting things. And yet he claimed that it was the mean old media that portrayed him as some sort of monster. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…
Allstate Insurance For overcharging me on my homeowner’s and automobile insurance for the last several years. Thanks to my new alliance with Farmers Insurance Group, I’ll be paying less than half of what Allstate’s been sticking me for on property insurance, even though I’ve never ever filed a claim on my humble abode in the 13 years I’ve lived in it. My new car insurance deal is about 2/3 of my old premiums too. That’s my stand, Allstate—what’s yours?
Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania) The economy was going down the toilet, millions of people were losing their jobs, the war in Iraq raged on, et al. Yet, all Specter had to worry about in September were the allegations that the New England Patriots may have spied on his Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl four years ago, so he pitched a fit about it and tried to enact a government probe into the matter. It figures that he's a Republican. Get over it, Senator…
Tony Kornheiser (arrogant condescending ESPN commentator) This hack is such a hypocrite, as he can dish it out to players and coaches, but goes ballistic if anyone dares to even slightly criticize his work (like ESPN’s mild-mannered Mike Golic once did). The Great Kornholio will rip on some player or coach left and right—right up until he interviews that player or coach on "Pardon The Interruption" and then he totally kisses their ass. Kornheiser’s constant hockey-bashing doesn’t endear me to him either, and he adds absolutely nothing to ESPN’s "Monday Night Football" broadcasts. He makes one almost long for the halcyon days of Dennis Miller or (gulp!) O.J. Simpson calling MNF games. Hell, one of Howard Cosell’s old toupees would enhance their telecasts more than this guy does.
Milton Bradley (psycho Texas Rangers outfielder) This clown tried to hunt down benign Royals TV announcer Ryan Lefebvre following a game at Kauffman Stadium after being enraged by comments Lefebvre made in regards to Bradley’s numerous behavioral issues. Lefebvre astutely noted how Milty would do well to follow the example of how teammate Josh Hamilton resurrected his life and career after years of being a first class fool. What’s more, the game Bradley was watching on TV was one he was still playing in! Way to keep focus, pal…
Kathy Griffin (annoying Joan Rivers wanna-be comedian) Oh, how she irritates me—let me count the ways! What a waste of perfectly good red hair…
Dick Vitale (omnipresent ESPN college basketball analyst) Mute buttons don’t stand a chance against this loud-mouthed rube and even throat surgery couldn’t shut him up. This joker takes over every game broadcast he’s on and makes them all about him. Put a sock in it, bay-bee!!!
Billy Packer (former CBS college basketball analyst) Thankfully, 2008 will be Packer’s final Final Four, as CBS finally had the good sense to part ways with this biased pro-ACC/pro-Big East moron. As a Missouri fan, I was more than pleased to see a Big 12 team—even arch-rival Kansas—show Packer up and win the big show.
Bernard Madoff (Ponzi scheme scumbag) I don’t even fully understand all the shit this palooka pulled off yet, but any guy who bilks innocent people (and even corporations) out of tons of money should be strung up by his nutsack. Sit on it, Ponzi!
Super 8 Motels For neglecting to mention when I made my on-line reservation with them this summer for downtown San Francisco that there was no free off-street parking for that particular location, and that I would have to pay an additional $20 a night for valet service. The hotel they depicted on the website didn’t match the one I stayed in, either. As tacky as they might be, at least Motel 6 has never screwed me over like this.
Phill Kline (God-playing overzealous pro-life Johnson County, KS District Attorney) This horses’ ass oversteps his authority time and time again in his attempts to close down abortion clinics in Kansas, yet he wasn’t opposed to the option of seeking the death penalty in the murder trial of the punk who raped and killed teenager Kelsey Smith. Even though I live in Missouri, I’m glad that his term is ending soon, but something tells me he won’t go away quietly.
Esther Another nuisance co-worker who has been a thorn in my side and bane of my existence for well over six years. We referred to her as "Esther" because of her resemblance to Grandma Walton, and she single-handedly turned ineptitude into an art form in her medical records position, which she thankfully resigned from in June—a belated birthday gift for yours truly! On top of everything else, Esther is a God-fearing, born-again super Christian, and upon her departure, she had the unmitigated gall to send me (and only me) one of those church pamphlets quoting scripture accompanied with a typewritten personal note telling me that she prays for me and said I needed to find Jesus to straighten my life out. Sanctimonious sacks of shit like her are a big reason why I'm a non-believer in the first place! I got the last laugh, though, when I showed the literature Esther sent me—which is considered a form of harrassment in the workplace—to my manager, who placed it in Esther's permanent file, thus meaning she has zero chance of ever being rehired by my employer if she ever tries to return. I felt like Sgt. Carter finally being rid of Gomer on the day she left our employ!
A boot to the head to one and all who made my 2008 Asshole(s) of The Year review! Let's hope there won't be so many candidates for the 2009 list...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
2008 Asshole(s) of The Year--Part 1
Time for my 2nd-annual review of those who offended yours truly during the past year. One change I've made this time is eliminating the countdown format, since ranking assholes is rather pointless—sorta like comparing a toilet full of turds—thus I'm merely listing them in no particular order and splitting them up into two posts. Those of you who are easily offended should exercise reader discretion—I take no prisoners!
Jason Whitlock (K.C. Star sports columnist) The Flatulent One makes the list again this year for numerous reasons, the most glaring one being his claim that he is not political and doesn’t exercise his hard-earned right to vote, therefore he calls himself "a nonvoting, casual observer." Yet he constantly pisses and moans about all the injustice directed at young black people in this country. Until you get off your fat ass and vote, Jason, you have no right to bitch about anything.
The Texas polygamists Slavery, incest, child molestation and sodomy all in the name of religion. What a country!
Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Barack Obama’s former pastor) Ah yes, the man who claimed that the U.S. invented AIDS to wipe out black people—never mind all those gay white folks who die of it, right, Rev? I thought men of the cloth were supposed to healers, not race-baiters. As much as I like Obama, his connection to Wright is a constant reminder to me that he’s not above reproach. Meantime, damn Wright’s ass to hell…
Billy Mays (annoying TV pitchman) One thing that will get you nowhere when trying to sell me something is screaming and hollering at me. Click!
Pat Boone (hack has-been entertainer) Tried to draw a direct connection between the Mumbai terrorist attacks and California Proposition 8 protesters. Typical conservative Christian pinhead behavior—blame the gays for everything evil.
John Edwards (former Democratic Presidential candidate) While on his own campaign trail, this wuss got caught thinking with his dick and cheated on his wife, who is fighting breast cancer. In the words of Daffy Duck, “You’re despicable!”
Eliot Spitzer (former New York governor) “Client #9” is another politician who let the little head do the thinking. What’s baffling about his situation is the prostitute he did the dirty deed with was light years uglier than his trophy wife babe.
Rod Blagojevich, (Illinois governor) Mr. Jagovevich is like a political Mark Cuban who thinks he’s above the law, and he’s left behind a trail of shit that would stretch from sea to shining sea.
O.J. Simpson (unconvicted double murderer) Another holdover from last year’s list. Everyone sing along with me now, “You’re in the jail house now…”
Nancy Grace (objectionable CNN legal commentator) CNN tries to paint this helmet-haired twit as being passionate about seeking justice, when in fact she’s nothing but a sensationalistic ratings whore.
Oil industry Sure, gas prices are back to 2003 levels now, but that doesn’t excuse the exorbitant $4.00+ a gallon crap they were sticking it to us with just four months ago. Cry me a freakin’ river when they go bankrupt.
Anyone on those annoying FreeCreditReport.com TV ads As long as this bogus outfit keeps calling their service “free” when we know damn well it ain’t free, I will continue to rip on them. That smiling bozo singing like Weird Al Yankovic on these dumbass commercials needs to have his nuts slammed in a car door. Twice.
Amy Winehouse (overrated tattooed singer) If this skank had even an ounce of talent, then she might be worth all the fuss she causes. She’s the Janis Joplin of this generation, and will probably be dead within a year.
Kid Rock (no-talent bozo in a hat) Apparently has issues with people in Waffle Houses now. He’s nothing but white-trash noise to me.
Dr. Phil (hack TV psychologist) I used to admire this man’s work, but Ol’ Doc Boy lost what little credibility he had left with me when he tried to intervene on Britney Spears’ behalf earlier this year, yet claimed that publicity (and inherent ancillary TV ratings) for him was not his motivation. In Dr. Phil’s own words, “Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…” How’s that workin’ for ya, Doc?
Brett Favre (New York Jets quarterback) Up until he announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, I had the utmost respect for this future Hall of Famer, but he has soured his legacy in my eyes with his passive-aggressive Drama Queen act by un-retiring and joining the Jets. While he exceeded my expectations on the field in New Yawk, I’ve grown real tired of his whiny “woe is me” attitude about how the media treats him. You shoulda quit while you were ahead, Brett.
Tom Cruise (overpaid Scientology shill) No particular reason why he made the list, really. He made it just for being Tom Cruise.
Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson (Cincinnati Bengals wideout/media distraction) The Bungholes should’ve traded this clown to Ringling Bros. and gotten a couple of bearded ladies in return—they’d have been more productive than Ocho Stinko was this season. At least when Shannon Sharpe bragged about how great he was, he backed it up.
Jim Cramer (CNBC blowhard financial “expert”) Speaking of clowns, here’s one who inexplicably escaped from the Ringling Bros. compound. I’d sooner seek financial advice from Mr. Keebler.
Roger Clemens (steroid hop-head/former Major League pitcher) Openly whined that Congress was mean to him during his steroid hearings, thus ruining his reputation. He who liveth by the sword (or needle, in his case), shall be stucketh…
Larry Johnson (Kansas City Chiefs running back) Spent more time in court than most judges this season and very little of it on the field for the Chefs because of his various off-field FUBARs. Apparently has difficulty holding his liquor, seeing’s how he either spits it or throws it at various females in nightclubs. Is now openly campaigning to be traded, and I’ll be delighted when the Chefs take him up on it.
Hank Steinbrenner (New York Yankees president) “The Boss”’s son took over the family business and is even more infinitely annoying than his old man with all his bitching and whining about all the injustices the poor Bronx Bummers have had thrown at them, like having to play Interleague games and getting one of their pitchers hurt while running the bases. Same pitcher could’ve just as easily suffered the same injury covering a routine double play at first base in a regular American League game.
Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska/former Vice-Presidential candidate) My distaste for that wacky maverick Ms. Winky-Dink is well-documented over the past four months on this blog, so no need in re-hashing it. $150,000 for clothes and make-up? Yeah, that’s real conservative. I still have visions of Sarah Palin appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” or co-hosting “The View” in 2009.
Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys wide receiver) You knew it was just a matter of time before this jagoff reverted back to his old form of being a locker room cancer. It couldn’t happen to a nicer team, either.
Manny Ramirez (former Boston Red Sox/L.A. Dodgers leftfielder) Another clubhouse cancer, this whiny dreadlocked bitch simply quit on his team so he could take his toys and go play somewhere else.
Soulless corporate radio station executives everywhere For letting this once-proud medium de-evolve into a bland one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter landscape. True, listeners have more options than ever with satellite radio, iPods, Internet, et al, but that’s all the more reason for terrestrial radio stations to strive to be different instead of so staggeringly boring!
John Gibson (Fox News radio yakker) This is the tick turd who made fun of actor Heath Ledger’s passing in January by constantly mimicking the line “I can’t quit you” from Brokeback Mountain. No class.
More names to come soon in a future post...
Jason Whitlock (K.C. Star sports columnist) The Flatulent One makes the list again this year for numerous reasons, the most glaring one being his claim that he is not political and doesn’t exercise his hard-earned right to vote, therefore he calls himself "a nonvoting, casual observer." Yet he constantly pisses and moans about all the injustice directed at young black people in this country. Until you get off your fat ass and vote, Jason, you have no right to bitch about anything.
The Texas polygamists Slavery, incest, child molestation and sodomy all in the name of religion. What a country!
Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Barack Obama’s former pastor) Ah yes, the man who claimed that the U.S. invented AIDS to wipe out black people—never mind all those gay white folks who die of it, right, Rev? I thought men of the cloth were supposed to healers, not race-baiters. As much as I like Obama, his connection to Wright is a constant reminder to me that he’s not above reproach. Meantime, damn Wright’s ass to hell…
Billy Mays (annoying TV pitchman) One thing that will get you nowhere when trying to sell me something is screaming and hollering at me. Click!
Pat Boone (hack has-been entertainer) Tried to draw a direct connection between the Mumbai terrorist attacks and California Proposition 8 protesters. Typical conservative Christian pinhead behavior—blame the gays for everything evil.
John Edwards (former Democratic Presidential candidate) While on his own campaign trail, this wuss got caught thinking with his dick and cheated on his wife, who is fighting breast cancer. In the words of Daffy Duck, “You’re despicable!”
Eliot Spitzer (former New York governor) “Client #9” is another politician who let the little head do the thinking. What’s baffling about his situation is the prostitute he did the dirty deed with was light years uglier than his trophy wife babe.
Rod Blagojevich, (Illinois governor) Mr. Jagovevich is like a political Mark Cuban who thinks he’s above the law, and he’s left behind a trail of shit that would stretch from sea to shining sea.
O.J. Simpson (unconvicted double murderer) Another holdover from last year’s list. Everyone sing along with me now, “You’re in the jail house now…”
Nancy Grace (objectionable CNN legal commentator) CNN tries to paint this helmet-haired twit as being passionate about seeking justice, when in fact she’s nothing but a sensationalistic ratings whore.
Oil industry Sure, gas prices are back to 2003 levels now, but that doesn’t excuse the exorbitant $4.00+ a gallon crap they were sticking it to us with just four months ago. Cry me a freakin’ river when they go bankrupt.
Anyone on those annoying FreeCreditReport.com TV ads As long as this bogus outfit keeps calling their service “free” when we know damn well it ain’t free, I will continue to rip on them. That smiling bozo singing like Weird Al Yankovic on these dumbass commercials needs to have his nuts slammed in a car door. Twice.
Amy Winehouse (overrated tattooed singer) If this skank had even an ounce of talent, then she might be worth all the fuss she causes. She’s the Janis Joplin of this generation, and will probably be dead within a year.
Kid Rock (no-talent bozo in a hat) Apparently has issues with people in Waffle Houses now. He’s nothing but white-trash noise to me.
Dr. Phil (hack TV psychologist) I used to admire this man’s work, but Ol’ Doc Boy lost what little credibility he had left with me when he tried to intervene on Britney Spears’ behalf earlier this year, yet claimed that publicity (and inherent ancillary TV ratings) for him was not his motivation. In Dr. Phil’s own words, “Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…” How’s that workin’ for ya, Doc?
Brett Favre (New York Jets quarterback) Up until he announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, I had the utmost respect for this future Hall of Famer, but he has soured his legacy in my eyes with his passive-aggressive Drama Queen act by un-retiring and joining the Jets. While he exceeded my expectations on the field in New Yawk, I’ve grown real tired of his whiny “woe is me” attitude about how the media treats him. You shoulda quit while you were ahead, Brett.
Tom Cruise (overpaid Scientology shill) No particular reason why he made the list, really. He made it just for being Tom Cruise.
Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson (Cincinnati Bengals wideout/media distraction) The Bungholes should’ve traded this clown to Ringling Bros. and gotten a couple of bearded ladies in return—they’d have been more productive than Ocho Stinko was this season. At least when Shannon Sharpe bragged about how great he was, he backed it up.
Jim Cramer (CNBC blowhard financial “expert”) Speaking of clowns, here’s one who inexplicably escaped from the Ringling Bros. compound. I’d sooner seek financial advice from Mr. Keebler.
Roger Clemens (steroid hop-head/former Major League pitcher) Openly whined that Congress was mean to him during his steroid hearings, thus ruining his reputation. He who liveth by the sword (or needle, in his case), shall be stucketh…
Larry Johnson (Kansas City Chiefs running back) Spent more time in court than most judges this season and very little of it on the field for the Chefs because of his various off-field FUBARs. Apparently has difficulty holding his liquor, seeing’s how he either spits it or throws it at various females in nightclubs. Is now openly campaigning to be traded, and I’ll be delighted when the Chefs take him up on it.
Hank Steinbrenner (New York Yankees president) “The Boss”’s son took over the family business and is even more infinitely annoying than his old man with all his bitching and whining about all the injustices the poor Bronx Bummers have had thrown at them, like having to play Interleague games and getting one of their pitchers hurt while running the bases. Same pitcher could’ve just as easily suffered the same injury covering a routine double play at first base in a regular American League game.
Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska/former Vice-Presidential candidate) My distaste for that wacky maverick Ms. Winky-Dink is well-documented over the past four months on this blog, so no need in re-hashing it. $150,000 for clothes and make-up? Yeah, that’s real conservative. I still have visions of Sarah Palin appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” or co-hosting “The View” in 2009.
Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys wide receiver) You knew it was just a matter of time before this jagoff reverted back to his old form of being a locker room cancer. It couldn’t happen to a nicer team, either.
Manny Ramirez (former Boston Red Sox/L.A. Dodgers leftfielder) Another clubhouse cancer, this whiny dreadlocked bitch simply quit on his team so he could take his toys and go play somewhere else.
Soulless corporate radio station executives everywhere For letting this once-proud medium de-evolve into a bland one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter landscape. True, listeners have more options than ever with satellite radio, iPods, Internet, et al, but that’s all the more reason for terrestrial radio stations to strive to be different instead of so staggeringly boring!
John Gibson (Fox News radio yakker) This is the tick turd who made fun of actor Heath Ledger’s passing in January by constantly mimicking the line “I can’t quit you” from Brokeback Mountain. No class.
More names to come soon in a future post...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Someday soon we'll stop to ponder...
...more deep thoughts like these that I fished out of the archives that were previously sent to me:
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened…small stain
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into engines
- Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
- Support bacteria—they’re the only culture some people have
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
- 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise a hand
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
- If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
- I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- And whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn’t it scary that doctors call what the do "practice"?
- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
- What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
- Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
- Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If a mime is arrested to they tell him has the right to talk?
- Why do they put Braille on drive-thru ATMs?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do...
Sorry for the relative silence this week, but with all the Christmas hubbub and such, I haven't had the time or the creative spark to do much writing this week, so let's see if I can get back in the swing of things...
I AM NO LONGER IN GOOD HANDS...THANK GOODNESS!
I found out this week that it pays to shop around a little when it comes to homeowner's and car insurance. I'm just a tad bewildered at how much I've been overpaying Allstate these last couple years, as it turns out that Farmers Insurance is offering me slightly better coverage on my house for less than half—I repeat—half of what I was paying Allstate, and about 2/3 of what I was paying for full coverage on my car.
I've been disgruntled with Allstate lately anyway, especially after some "good hands guy" called me at my workplace a couple weeks ago to remind me that my homeowner's insurance was up for renewal, and did I have concerns or questions about my policy? Well, uh, gee, if I did have any concerns, don't you think I would have called my agent about them? Come to think of it, why isn't my agent calling me instead of some schmuck from out of town reading off a script? Hell, I've never even actually met my current insurance agent before! That's Allstate's stand for ya...
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...
...there's never a dull moment when it comes to Kansas City weather. Last weekend (when it was still officially Fall), we experienced single-digit overnight lows and sub-zero wind chills here. Yesterday, we reached the mid-60s and it was muckin'-fuggy as all get-out. Overnight, we were in a Tornado Watch, and I awoke to 60 MPH winds at 5:00 in the blessed AM, followed by torrential rains. About four hours ago, it started snowing. As I type now at 10:20PM, the stars are out and all is calm. Hell, tomorrow it'll probably be 95 and humid...
"I THINK PAT BOONE IS A MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS"—A. CRONAUER
With all apologies to Robin Williams' character in Good Morning, Vietnam, I beg to differ. Singer/Super Christian has-been Pat Boone was quoted last week, saying that there’s “a real, unbroken line between the Mumbai terrorists and pro-gay marriage Prop 8 protesters.” It never ceases to amaze me how so-called "Christians" like this toupee-wearing hack are so hateful, intolerant and strident in their beliefs that they'll go out of their way to blame gay people for every evil known to man, no matter how outrageous their claims might be. Every time I hear Boone's old records where he butchered up classics like "Tutti-Frutti" and "Ain't That A Shame", I throw up in my mouth a little. What a tool...
"FAIR AND BALANCED" PERSONIFIED
Just to show you what a consistent critic I am, I'm taking the same dim view of Caroline Kennedy's potential ascendency to the U.S. Senate that I took of Sarah Palin's potential ascendency to the Vice-Presidency. In both cases, it would be like having a quadriplegic teaching Phys. Ed. class...
TINA FEY? MEH!
Did ya see where Tina Fey was named Entertainer Of The Year by the Ass-ociated Press? Just because she imitated Sarah Palin? The degree of difficulty in doing a Palin imitation is about that of mimicking Dickie Nixon or maybe John Wayne. Hell, put me in a wig, eye glasses and a skirt suit with some high heels, and gosh darnit, yours truly could probably nail Ms. Winky-Dink pretty good, too.
MARK TEIXEIRA? MEH!
$180 million for eight years to play for the Yankees? Nothing personal against MT (who I think is a pretty good ballplayer), but nobody's worth that kind of loot! Meantime, the Bronx Bummers still claim they need money from the state of New York to finish building their fancy new stadium—what's wrong with this picture? Mark my words, even with all these big-name free agent signings (Sabathia, Burnett, et al), the Yankees still won't make the playoffs in 2009. And if the Red Sox and Tampa Bay finish ahead of them again, I will laugh—hysterically!
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
You think those erectile dysfunction commercials are bad? Did you ever think you'd see the day when they'd be advertising K-Y Jelly on TV? During the day when kids are watching, no less!
HE AIN'T NO SISKEL OR EBERT...
Check out this little item I found on the IMDB.com message boards regarding the classic film A League Of Their Own:
Movie review: 11/18/01 by sickcritik
“Oh my god, this film has to be the most boring film I have seen in a long time my friend. The untalented Geena Davis, huge and ugly Rosie O’Donnell are starring (in) this one of a kind bad film about chicks baseball. Just imagine how this movie could have been great with actresses like Anna Nicole Smith, Julie Strain, Jenna Jameson and maybe Sandra Scream? At least Madonna and her great “rack” was there to entertained us a little bit. I was very sad not to see her nude once at least. Well, I’ll just go watch Truth Or Dare where she does masturbate on stage…"
Oh yes, Anna Nicole Smith—that vaunted thespian! Obviously, "sickcritik" is a graduate of the hallowed University of Hee-Haw Film Critic School! Somewhere out there, a village has been deprived of its idiot...
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #1
First of a new occasional series here, spotlighting those annoying omnipresent gambits you see in films and on the tube. I'll start you off with the one that takes place before nearly every boxing match featured in movies and TV shows (and not just in the Rocky flicks). The referee brings the fighters together and invariably says, "Okay, you both know the rules..." Duh—if they both know the rules, then why do they need to be reminded that they know the rules? Then, the ref proceeds to go over the rules anyway!!
BACK TO BACK TO THE FUTURE...
It occurred to me today that younger viewers who watch Back To The Future probably won't get the bit where Michael J. Fox says, "Give me a Pepsi Free," seeing's how Pepsi no longer makes that product. It also occurred to me that if they were to do the inevitable remake of BTTF (which you know is coming sooner or later), Kelsey Grammer would be perfect to play the role of Doc Brown. Or maybe John Lithgow. Natalie Portman would be a dandy replacement for Lea Thompson too. And perhaps David Hyde-Pierce in Crispin Glover's spot. Not sure yet who to cast as Marty McFly, tho...
ICE ICE, BABY!
As I type, I'm enjoying the new AC/DC album Black Ice, which a good friend of mine was kind enough to pirate for me—screw you, Walmart! I must say that I'm quite pleased with what I'm hearing—shades of the old AC/DC from back in the '80s. This one blows the doors off their last two studio releases, Stiff Upper Lip and Ballbreaker, and is easily their best album since 1991's The Razor's Edge.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #105
"Straight Outta Time"—JOHN HIATT (1994) "...and my love's still real." A little obscure for some, but I thought Big John was singing about some sort of "love stereo".
MAKING A STATEMENT
This photo accurately depicts my opinion of Tina Fey being named Entertainer of The Year, not to mention Pat Boone, the Bush Administration, our current economy and a few other things...
I AM NO LONGER IN GOOD HANDS...THANK GOODNESS!
I found out this week that it pays to shop around a little when it comes to homeowner's and car insurance. I'm just a tad bewildered at how much I've been overpaying Allstate these last couple years, as it turns out that Farmers Insurance is offering me slightly better coverage on my house for less than half—I repeat—half of what I was paying Allstate, and about 2/3 of what I was paying for full coverage on my car.
I've been disgruntled with Allstate lately anyway, especially after some "good hands guy" called me at my workplace a couple weeks ago to remind me that my homeowner's insurance was up for renewal, and did I have concerns or questions about my policy? Well, uh, gee, if I did have any concerns, don't you think I would have called my agent about them? Come to think of it, why isn't my agent calling me instead of some schmuck from out of town reading off a script? Hell, I've never even actually met my current insurance agent before! That's Allstate's stand for ya...
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...
...there's never a dull moment when it comes to Kansas City weather. Last weekend (when it was still officially Fall), we experienced single-digit overnight lows and sub-zero wind chills here. Yesterday, we reached the mid-60s and it was muckin'-fuggy as all get-out. Overnight, we were in a Tornado Watch, and I awoke to 60 MPH winds at 5:00 in the blessed AM, followed by torrential rains. About four hours ago, it started snowing. As I type now at 10:20PM, the stars are out and all is calm. Hell, tomorrow it'll probably be 95 and humid...
"I THINK PAT BOONE IS A MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS"—A. CRONAUER
With all apologies to Robin Williams' character in Good Morning, Vietnam, I beg to differ. Singer/Super Christian has-been Pat Boone was quoted last week, saying that there’s “a real, unbroken line between the Mumbai terrorists and pro-gay marriage Prop 8 protesters.” It never ceases to amaze me how so-called "Christians" like this toupee-wearing hack are so hateful, intolerant and strident in their beliefs that they'll go out of their way to blame gay people for every evil known to man, no matter how outrageous their claims might be. Every time I hear Boone's old records where he butchered up classics like "Tutti-Frutti" and "Ain't That A Shame", I throw up in my mouth a little. What a tool...
"FAIR AND BALANCED" PERSONIFIED
Just to show you what a consistent critic I am, I'm taking the same dim view of Caroline Kennedy's potential ascendency to the U.S. Senate that I took of Sarah Palin's potential ascendency to the Vice-Presidency. In both cases, it would be like having a quadriplegic teaching Phys. Ed. class...
TINA FEY? MEH!
Did ya see where Tina Fey was named Entertainer Of The Year by the Ass-ociated Press? Just because she imitated Sarah Palin? The degree of difficulty in doing a Palin imitation is about that of mimicking Dickie Nixon or maybe John Wayne. Hell, put me in a wig, eye glasses and a skirt suit with some high heels, and gosh darnit, yours truly could probably nail Ms. Winky-Dink pretty good, too.
MARK TEIXEIRA? MEH!
$180 million for eight years to play for the Yankees? Nothing personal against MT (who I think is a pretty good ballplayer), but nobody's worth that kind of loot! Meantime, the Bronx Bummers still claim they need money from the state of New York to finish building their fancy new stadium—what's wrong with this picture? Mark my words, even with all these big-name free agent signings (Sabathia, Burnett, et al), the Yankees still won't make the playoffs in 2009. And if the Red Sox and Tampa Bay finish ahead of them again, I will laugh—hysterically!
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
You think those erectile dysfunction commercials are bad? Did you ever think you'd see the day when they'd be advertising K-Y Jelly on TV? During the day when kids are watching, no less!
HE AIN'T NO SISKEL OR EBERT...
Check out this little item I found on the IMDB.com message boards regarding the classic film A League Of Their Own:
Movie review: 11/18/01 by sickcritik
“Oh my god, this film has to be the most boring film I have seen in a long time my friend. The untalented Geena Davis, huge and ugly Rosie O’Donnell are starring (in) this one of a kind bad film about chicks baseball. Just imagine how this movie could have been great with actresses like Anna Nicole Smith, Julie Strain, Jenna Jameson and maybe Sandra Scream? At least Madonna and her great “rack” was there to entertained us a little bit. I was very sad not to see her nude once at least. Well, I’ll just go watch Truth Or Dare where she does masturbate on stage…"
Oh yes, Anna Nicole Smith—that vaunted thespian! Obviously, "sickcritik" is a graduate of the hallowed University of Hee-Haw Film Critic School! Somewhere out there, a village has been deprived of its idiot...
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #1
First of a new occasional series here, spotlighting those annoying omnipresent gambits you see in films and on the tube. I'll start you off with the one that takes place before nearly every boxing match featured in movies and TV shows (and not just in the Rocky flicks). The referee brings the fighters together and invariably says, "Okay, you both know the rules..." Duh—if they both know the rules, then why do they need to be reminded that they know the rules? Then, the ref proceeds to go over the rules anyway!!
BACK TO BACK TO THE FUTURE...
It occurred to me today that younger viewers who watch Back To The Future probably won't get the bit where Michael J. Fox says, "Give me a Pepsi Free," seeing's how Pepsi no longer makes that product. It also occurred to me that if they were to do the inevitable remake of BTTF (which you know is coming sooner or later), Kelsey Grammer would be perfect to play the role of Doc Brown. Or maybe John Lithgow. Natalie Portman would be a dandy replacement for Lea Thompson too. And perhaps David Hyde-Pierce in Crispin Glover's spot. Not sure yet who to cast as Marty McFly, tho...
ICE ICE, BABY!
As I type, I'm enjoying the new AC/DC album Black Ice, which a good friend of mine was kind enough to pirate for me—screw you, Walmart! I must say that I'm quite pleased with what I'm hearing—shades of the old AC/DC from back in the '80s. This one blows the doors off their last two studio releases, Stiff Upper Lip and Ballbreaker, and is easily their best album since 1991's The Razor's Edge.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #105
"Straight Outta Time"—JOHN HIATT (1994) "...and my love's still real." A little obscure for some, but I thought Big John was singing about some sort of "love stereo".
MAKING A STATEMENT
This photo accurately depicts my opinion of Tina Fey being named Entertainer of The Year, not to mention Pat Boone, the Bush Administration, our current economy and a few other things...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Classic Old-School Food Place #4
For no particular reason, I thought of the defunct restaurant chain Sambo's the other day, so just for shits and hoots, I decided to pay tribute to them. Founded in 1957 by Sam Battistone and Newell Bohnett, the chain took its name from the combination of its founders names, NOT from any sort of racial connotation, as was/is popularly believed. That didn't prevent protests and lawsuits in the late '70s from those who go out of their way to find racism at every turn, and Sambo's filed for bankruptcy in 1981.
I remember precious little about the quality of the food at Sambo's because there weren't all that many of them in Kansas City, and I only ate there once when I was about ten at a friend's birthday party. I don't think it sucked, though...
For the longest time, I mistakenly assumed that Sambo's was affiliated with Denny's because their logos and signage were so similar, they were "always open", plus the layout and gaudy decor of their restaurants were practically identical. It seems there's still one Sambo's still in operation—the original location in Santa Barbara, CA. Wish I'd known that before I went on my trip out there--I would've checked it out.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Show me "Sand the floor"...
I was rummaging through the archives some more and came across this little nostalgia piece, entitled "YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE ‘80s IF:"
-You owned/operated a “Trapper Keeper”
-You know what “Psych” means
-Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game to “reserve” your spot
-You know the profound meaning of “Wax on/Wax off”
-You can name at least half of the members of the elite “Brat Pack”
-You know who Tina Yothers is
-You wanted to be a Goonie
-You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your Jr. High computer lab
-You know who Max Headroom is
-You ever wore fluorescent (neon, if you will) clothing
-You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool
-You could breakdance, or wish you could
-Partying “like it’s 1999 seemed SO far away
-You wanted to be on “Star Search”
-You hold a special place in your heart for Back To The Future [Great Scott! Don’t we all?]
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth
-You HAD to have your MTV
-You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie [It is a good movie, I think!]
-You remember when Cosmo Kramer was on a show called “Fridays”
-You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince”
-You remember when Atari was a state of the art video game system
-You own(ed) any “cassette singles” [I did/do. CD singles too!]
-You ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf
-You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish
-You ever wore a Swatch watch
-You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny
In the meantime, I came up with just a few more additions to the list:
-You poked fun at Nina Blackwood’s hair [Someone buy that woman a hair brush, will ya!]
-You waited in line all night on Fridays at a record store to buy concert tickets first thing Saturday morning
-You remember what a record store actually was!
-You wanted your money back on the LaserDisc player you bought because there wasn’t much of a selection of discs to play in them
-You thought wearing replica Major League Baseball helmets made you look cool [Guilty as charged here!]
-You remember those little green Cyalume (sp?) glow-in-the-dark light sticks that people threw around at concerts
-You engaged in the VHS vs. Beta debate [Beta rules!]
-You remember when Lifetime was called the Cable Health Network and when SpikeTV was called The Nashville Network
-You thought Gene Simmons had a future in the movies
-You were in competition with other girls at the mall to see who had the tallest hair
-You remember when enclosed shopping malls actually thrived
-You filled up dozens of VHS tapes with individual music videos off MTV
-You remember when MTV aired nothing but music videos, 24/7, ESPN aired nothing but sports and CNN Headline News did 48 separate 30-minute newscasts every day [Whatever happened to Sasha Foo, btw?]
-You know who Rhonda Shear was
-You paid 50 cents a minute to call Jose Canseco’s 1-900 phone line thing
-Your computer screen was all-green
-You remember when there was no such thing as competitive poker on television
-You wasted money on “picture disc” LPs that sounded like shit
-You or someone you know played one of those “headless” guitars or basses
-Your local TV weather man stood in front of a magnetic U.S. map instead of computer-generated graphics
-You bought into any advice that Dr. Ruth Westheimer dished out on TV
-You remember the Ford Probe being described as the “car of the future”
-You actually bought into the (overrated) Flashdance fashion craze
-You thought of Reagan as a politician instead of an actor and Schwarzenegger as an actor instead of a politician
-You thought Dexy’s Midnight Runners were the “next big thing”
-You let the Moral Majority and/or the PTL Club do all your thinking for you
-You thought electronic drums were really neato!
-You videotaped every episode of your favorite TV shows (“M*A*S*H”, for instance) to keep, not knowing there would be such a thing as TV shows on DVDs in the future [Guilty as charged!]
-You would get so pissed-off when weather/news alerts would interrupt those shows you were taping!
-After catching the last ten seconds of a new video on MTV you’d been dying to see, you’d watch for hours on end until it was shown again
-You wore one of those doofy George Michael “Choose Life” shirts
-You assumed every woman dressed like Jane Fonda when they did aerobics
-You fell for Herbalife
-You believed that women would start shaving their heads to be fashionable after Star Trek-The Motion Picture came out
-You kept thinking the next Rolling Stones concert tour would be their last [Some things are eternal!]
-You remember when Album Rock stations still played new music
-You had to turn the dial on the converter box to channel-surf on cable instead of using a remote control
-You remember The Simpsons starting off on the “Tracey Ullman Show”
-You actually paid money to see Madonna’s movies, no matter how putrid they were (Who’s That Girl, for instance)
-You remember when local TV stations would go off the air at one in the morning
-You owned or utilized a Key-Tar
-You bought a Refrigerator Perry t-shirt [I plead insanity on that one!]
-You remember when “Friday Night Videos” replaced “Midnight Special” on NBC
-You had to own your favorite albums in every format that was available at the time (i.e., LP, 8-Track and cassette) [Guilty as charged!]
-You secretly hoped that just once, Madonna would twist out of that tube top she wore in the “Papa Don’t Preach” video
-You thought Vince McMahon was a legitimate sportscaster
-You remember when Michael Jackson was a good-looking black guy
-You remember when David Letterman was on NBC
-You took Geraldo Rivera seriously as a journalist
-You were underwhelmed when the “Who shot J.R.?” cliffhanger was revealed
-You bought into L. Ron Hubbard’s Dyanetics
-You thought Billy Squier might be the next Eddie Van Halen
-You planned your weekends around the Friday night soft-core porn offerings on Showtime and Cinemax
-You had trouble getting used to the “Los Angeles” Raiders
-You remember seeing Paul Stanley’s real hair during Kiss concerts
-You went “Huh?!?” when you heard Elton John married a woman
-You had an instant dislike for Alan Thicke and his late night talk show
-You can name at least four teams from the USFL
-You spanked your monkey just like Judge Reinhold did when thinking/dreaming of Phoebe Cates [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You owned a copy of the “Super Bowl Shuffle” videotape
-You really thought indoor soccer would become a major league sport in America on a par with the NBA and NHL [Sadly, it didn’t]
-You remember when Tom Hanks dressed as a woman on TV
-You wore an “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or ball cap [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You actually paid good money for a Garden Weasel or Pocket Fisherman from Ronco
-You remember when highway signs also had metric measurements on them
-You remember when most convenience stores didn’t sell gasoline
-You remember having to write a check out to cash to get money from the bank in the pre-ATM days
-It took an act of Congress for the schools to close when it snowed
-You remember the “new” Coke (and hated it)
-You owned a DEVO hat [I still want one!]
-You know who Captain Lou Albano and Gorilla Monsoon were
-You owned/operated a “Trapper Keeper”
-You know what “Psych” means
-Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game to “reserve” your spot
-You know the profound meaning of “Wax on/Wax off”
-You can name at least half of the members of the elite “Brat Pack”
-You know who Tina Yothers is
-You wanted to be a Goonie
-You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your Jr. High computer lab
-You know who Max Headroom is
-You ever wore fluorescent (neon, if you will) clothing
-You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool
-You could breakdance, or wish you could
-Partying “like it’s 1999 seemed SO far away
-You wanted to be on “Star Search”
-You hold a special place in your heart for Back To The Future [Great Scott! Don’t we all?]
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth
-You HAD to have your MTV
-You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie [It is a good movie, I think!]
-You remember when Cosmo Kramer was on a show called “Fridays”
-You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince”
-You remember when Atari was a state of the art video game system
-You own(ed) any “cassette singles” [I did/do. CD singles too!]
-You ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf
-You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish
-You ever wore a Swatch watch
-You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny
In the meantime, I came up with just a few more additions to the list:
-You poked fun at Nina Blackwood’s hair [Someone buy that woman a hair brush, will ya!]
-You waited in line all night on Fridays at a record store to buy concert tickets first thing Saturday morning
-You remember what a record store actually was!
-You wanted your money back on the LaserDisc player you bought because there wasn’t much of a selection of discs to play in them
-You thought wearing replica Major League Baseball helmets made you look cool [Guilty as charged here!]
-You remember those little green Cyalume (sp?) glow-in-the-dark light sticks that people threw around at concerts
-You engaged in the VHS vs. Beta debate [Beta rules!]
-You remember when Lifetime was called the Cable Health Network and when SpikeTV was called The Nashville Network
-You thought Gene Simmons had a future in the movies
-You were in competition with other girls at the mall to see who had the tallest hair
-You remember when enclosed shopping malls actually thrived
-You filled up dozens of VHS tapes with individual music videos off MTV
-You remember when MTV aired nothing but music videos, 24/7, ESPN aired nothing but sports and CNN Headline News did 48 separate 30-minute newscasts every day [Whatever happened to Sasha Foo, btw?]
-You know who Rhonda Shear was
-You paid 50 cents a minute to call Jose Canseco’s 1-900 phone line thing
-Your computer screen was all-green
-You remember when there was no such thing as competitive poker on television
-You wasted money on “picture disc” LPs that sounded like shit
-You or someone you know played one of those “headless” guitars or basses
-Your local TV weather man stood in front of a magnetic U.S. map instead of computer-generated graphics
-You bought into any advice that Dr. Ruth Westheimer dished out on TV
-You remember the Ford Probe being described as the “car of the future”
-You actually bought into the (overrated) Flashdance fashion craze
-You thought of Reagan as a politician instead of an actor and Schwarzenegger as an actor instead of a politician
-You thought Dexy’s Midnight Runners were the “next big thing”
-You let the Moral Majority and/or the PTL Club do all your thinking for you
-You thought electronic drums were really neato!
-You videotaped every episode of your favorite TV shows (“M*A*S*H”, for instance) to keep, not knowing there would be such a thing as TV shows on DVDs in the future [Guilty as charged!]
-You would get so pissed-off when weather/news alerts would interrupt those shows you were taping!
-After catching the last ten seconds of a new video on MTV you’d been dying to see, you’d watch for hours on end until it was shown again
-You wore one of those doofy George Michael “Choose Life” shirts
-You assumed every woman dressed like Jane Fonda when they did aerobics
-You fell for Herbalife
-You believed that women would start shaving their heads to be fashionable after Star Trek-The Motion Picture came out
-You kept thinking the next Rolling Stones concert tour would be their last [Some things are eternal!]
-You remember when Album Rock stations still played new music
-You had to turn the dial on the converter box to channel-surf on cable instead of using a remote control
-You remember The Simpsons starting off on the “Tracey Ullman Show”
-You actually paid money to see Madonna’s movies, no matter how putrid they were (Who’s That Girl, for instance)
-You remember when local TV stations would go off the air at one in the morning
-You owned or utilized a Key-Tar
-You bought a Refrigerator Perry t-shirt [I plead insanity on that one!]
-You remember when “Friday Night Videos” replaced “Midnight Special” on NBC
-You had to own your favorite albums in every format that was available at the time (i.e., LP, 8-Track and cassette) [Guilty as charged!]
-You secretly hoped that just once, Madonna would twist out of that tube top she wore in the “Papa Don’t Preach” video
-You thought Vince McMahon was a legitimate sportscaster
-You remember when Michael Jackson was a good-looking black guy
-You remember when David Letterman was on NBC
-You took Geraldo Rivera seriously as a journalist
-You were underwhelmed when the “Who shot J.R.?” cliffhanger was revealed
-You bought into L. Ron Hubbard’s Dyanetics
-You thought Billy Squier might be the next Eddie Van Halen
-You planned your weekends around the Friday night soft-core porn offerings on Showtime and Cinemax
-You had trouble getting used to the “Los Angeles” Raiders
-You remember seeing Paul Stanley’s real hair during Kiss concerts
-You went “Huh?!?” when you heard Elton John married a woman
-You had an instant dislike for Alan Thicke and his late night talk show
-You can name at least four teams from the USFL
-You spanked your monkey just like Judge Reinhold did when thinking/dreaming of Phoebe Cates [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You owned a copy of the “Super Bowl Shuffle” videotape
-You really thought indoor soccer would become a major league sport in America on a par with the NBA and NHL [Sadly, it didn’t]
-You remember when Tom Hanks dressed as a woman on TV
-You wore an “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or ball cap [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You actually paid good money for a Garden Weasel or Pocket Fisherman from Ronco
-You remember when highway signs also had metric measurements on them
-You remember when most convenience stores didn’t sell gasoline
-You remember having to write a check out to cash to get money from the bank in the pre-ATM days
-It took an act of Congress for the schools to close when it snowed
-You remember the “new” Coke (and hated it)
-You owned a DEVO hat [I still want one!]
-You know who Captain Lou Albano and Gorilla Monsoon were
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Underrated!
Since my "Overrated" post got such a good response, it’s time to give the underrated music folks equal time. Being as they are so overlooked, there’s a good chance I’ve already done blog tributes on them, which I’m providing links to, if you care to view…
Paul Revere & The Raiders—It frustrates me no end that these guys aren’t respected more for their musical output. They were a fun band that played some excellent guitar-driven Rock, but unfortunately they are remembered more for their campy stage act on TV in the ‘60s (and Revere’s current nostalgia act in Branson doesn’t help things any). Lead singer Mark Lindsay was a stud as the group’s front man and even though they had a revolving door in terms of personnel, PR&TR always employed fine musicians, like the equally-underrated Drake Levin on guitar. Their big hits between 1965 and 1971 were great, but you can even go beyond them and find numerous hidden gems like "Louise", "Ballad of A Useless Man", "Get Out Of My Mind", "Time After Time", "Get It On", "Boys In The Band" and a personal fave, "The Great Airplane Strike". Strange irony that "Indian Reservation" was their first and only #1 hit, because it was also the beginning of the end. PR&TR are far more Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame worthy than their contemporaries like the Lovin’ Spoonful, Dave Clark Five and the Ventures, just to name a few.
Sweet—This band was unfairly tagged with the ‘70s "Glam Rock" stigma, which I think hurt their career in the long run. You know "Ballroom Blitz" and "Fox On The Run", but they had a few other songs that rocked just as hard, like "Teenage Rampage", "Blockbuster" and "Action". Sadly, singer Brian Connolly’s over-indulgence in alcohol helped to derail this band by the late ‘70s.
Elton John Band—We know Elton’s good, but I’m referring here to his backing band during his ‘70s heyday, guitarist Davey Johnstone, bassist Dee Murray and drummer Nigel Olsson (and later percussionist Ray Cooper). In addition to being top-flight musicians, Johnstone, Murray and Olsson are largely unrecognized for providing sterling backing vocals—the original "Candle In The Wind" being a supreme example—and why on earth Elton chose to break this unit up in 1975 is a mystery. His decision to cease working with longtime producer Gus Dudgeon also mystifies me, and it’s no small coincidence that EJ’s career went into free-fall after he "split the band" (keeping only Johnstone and Cooper and bringing in other musicians) and that his career rebounded in the ‘80s when Murray and Olsson returned. Dee Murray died of skin cancer in 1992, but Johnstone and Olsson still play and tour with Elton today. Their body of work from about 1972 through 1975 is nothing short of phenomenal.
The Rainmakers—The finest Rock band Kansas City ever produced, bar none. Should’ve been every bit as big as R.E.M. is. See my previous blog tribute on them for more details.
Moody Blues—The critics tended to blow them off, and the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame avoids them like they were rodent droppings, but these gentlemen produced some of the finest headphone music I’ve ever heard on their magnificent first seven albums between 1968 and 1972. Some of their stuff makes for a great head trip that you don’t even need illegal drugs to enjoy. Former keyboardist Mike Pinder doesn’t get near enough credit for his work, especially on the almighty Mellotron. Even though it made for a nice comeback, I can pretty much do without their ‘80s-and-beyond output when they were merely trying to write hit singles—it’s those first seven albums that define this band.
Cheap Trick—Yes, the critics were generally kind to these guys, but I still don’t think they get their due. It’s strange that such a Rock Radio-friendly band doesn’t rate more airplay than just "Surrender" and "I Want You To Want Me". Radio doesn’t go anywhere near deep enough into their catalogue—there’s so much more to Cheap Trick, like "He’s A Whore", "She’s Tight", "Auf Wiedersehen", "Tonight It’s You", "Stiff Competition", "Never Had A Lot To Lose" and "Clock Strikes Ten", plus Heaven Tonight, Dream Police and Lap Of Luxury are excellent albums. "The Flame" is one of my all-time favorite power ballads too.
Rush—The critics hate these crazy Canucks with a passion, which I’m sure makes their continuing prolonged success all the more infuriating to them. Rush really hit their stride when Geddy Lee reined in his voice and really learned how to sing instead of screeching and shrieking, long about the time of Moving Pictures in 1981, the first in a string of what I thought were their five best albums (Signals, Grace Under Pressure, Power Windows and Hold Your Fire being the others).
Grand Funk Railroad—Another trio the critics loved to hate, and they were even more merciless on GFR than they were on Rush. Much to their credit, Mark, Don and Mel didn’t give a monkey’s what the critics thought, and just went out and played what people wanted to hear. Grand Funk has two songs that would make my Top 100 of all-time, "We’re An American Band" and "I’m Your Captain/Closer To Home", the latter of which I want played at my funeral.
Journey—I have a soft spot for Journey, in spite of Steve Perry’s penchant for sappy power ballads like "Open Arms" and his firing of bassist Ross Valory and drummer Steve Smith for no good reason in 1985. Yeah, we’re in a slump, so let’s fire the rhythm section. Flaky as he is, Perry was still a pretty good front man, and guitarist Neal Schon is vastly overlooked. I love their "B" stuff like "Rubicon", "Line of Fire", "Be Good To Yourself", "Lay It Down" and "Only The Young".
Motorhead—Without Uncle Lemmy and company, there would be no Metallica, there would be no Judas Priest, there would be no Iron Maiden, and so forth on down the line, yet they get precious little credit for being true groundbreaking heavy metal behemoths. They are the loudest, rawest and fastest band in my musical collection, and with lines like "You got a body like a Marshall stack," Lemmy also incorporates a sense of humor into Motorhead’s music—a rarity in the metal genre.
John Hiatt—A brilliant singer/songwriter with a knack for clever lines like "thunder and lightning from the bloodshot skies" and the only man I know of who successfully worked in porcupines and amoebas in the same song and made it work! His gentle good humor and unique perspectives on life really make his music come alive. Hard to be in a bad mood while listening to him…
Nick Lowe—A one-time cohort of J. Hiatt’s, and a very witty songwriter in his own right (write?), plus he plays a pretty mean bass guitar and is known for his production talents too. Full of brilliant lines like "When I’m with you, girl, I get an extension—and I don’t mean Alexander Graham Bell’s invention" (from "Switchboard Susan") and "You’re cold, pretty mama, like a Utah night" (from "Refrigerator White"), I don’t get why Lowe gets snubbed by the Hall of Fame while a wanker like Elvis Costello gets in.
Dave Edmunds—Erstwhile partner of N. Lowe’s in Rockpile, Edmunds may well be the greatest Rock guitar player that most people have never heard of. The man pays tribute to old-school Rockabilly and Blues like no one else, and is one of the best re-interpreters ever of old songs.
Black Oak Arkansas—Not the most musically-gifted group in the world, but Jim Dandy and BOA made up for that with a great attitude and some fun music. To the critic who said BOA’s one distinguishing quality was that they "had three guitar players that didn’t even add up to one good one", I say just keep on listening to your King Crimson records and go get stuffed!
Jim Croce—Oh, what might've been. This man hadn't even come close to peaking at the time of his untimely death in 1973, and his influence can clearly be heard in the work of people like John Hiatt, Tom Petty and many other songwriters. And why the hell isn't he in the friggin' Hall of Fame? Jim's career lasted three times as long as Ritchie Valens', and was far more prolific, yet Ritchie's in the Hall and Jim isn't.
Paul Revere & The Raiders—It frustrates me no end that these guys aren’t respected more for their musical output. They were a fun band that played some excellent guitar-driven Rock, but unfortunately they are remembered more for their campy stage act on TV in the ‘60s (and Revere’s current nostalgia act in Branson doesn’t help things any). Lead singer Mark Lindsay was a stud as the group’s front man and even though they had a revolving door in terms of personnel, PR&TR always employed fine musicians, like the equally-underrated Drake Levin on guitar. Their big hits between 1965 and 1971 were great, but you can even go beyond them and find numerous hidden gems like "Louise", "Ballad of A Useless Man", "Get Out Of My Mind", "Time After Time", "Get It On", "Boys In The Band" and a personal fave, "The Great Airplane Strike". Strange irony that "Indian Reservation" was their first and only #1 hit, because it was also the beginning of the end. PR&TR are far more Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame worthy than their contemporaries like the Lovin’ Spoonful, Dave Clark Five and the Ventures, just to name a few.
Sweet—This band was unfairly tagged with the ‘70s "Glam Rock" stigma, which I think hurt their career in the long run. You know "Ballroom Blitz" and "Fox On The Run", but they had a few other songs that rocked just as hard, like "Teenage Rampage", "Blockbuster" and "Action". Sadly, singer Brian Connolly’s over-indulgence in alcohol helped to derail this band by the late ‘70s.
Elton John Band—We know Elton’s good, but I’m referring here to his backing band during his ‘70s heyday, guitarist Davey Johnstone, bassist Dee Murray and drummer Nigel Olsson (and later percussionist Ray Cooper). In addition to being top-flight musicians, Johnstone, Murray and Olsson are largely unrecognized for providing sterling backing vocals—the original "Candle In The Wind" being a supreme example—and why on earth Elton chose to break this unit up in 1975 is a mystery. His decision to cease working with longtime producer Gus Dudgeon also mystifies me, and it’s no small coincidence that EJ’s career went into free-fall after he "split the band" (keeping only Johnstone and Cooper and bringing in other musicians) and that his career rebounded in the ‘80s when Murray and Olsson returned. Dee Murray died of skin cancer in 1992, but Johnstone and Olsson still play and tour with Elton today. Their body of work from about 1972 through 1975 is nothing short of phenomenal.
The Rainmakers—The finest Rock band Kansas City ever produced, bar none. Should’ve been every bit as big as R.E.M. is. See my previous blog tribute on them for more details.
Moody Blues—The critics tended to blow them off, and the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame avoids them like they were rodent droppings, but these gentlemen produced some of the finest headphone music I’ve ever heard on their magnificent first seven albums between 1968 and 1972. Some of their stuff makes for a great head trip that you don’t even need illegal drugs to enjoy. Former keyboardist Mike Pinder doesn’t get near enough credit for his work, especially on the almighty Mellotron. Even though it made for a nice comeback, I can pretty much do without their ‘80s-and-beyond output when they were merely trying to write hit singles—it’s those first seven albums that define this band.
Cheap Trick—Yes, the critics were generally kind to these guys, but I still don’t think they get their due. It’s strange that such a Rock Radio-friendly band doesn’t rate more airplay than just "Surrender" and "I Want You To Want Me". Radio doesn’t go anywhere near deep enough into their catalogue—there’s so much more to Cheap Trick, like "He’s A Whore", "She’s Tight", "Auf Wiedersehen", "Tonight It’s You", "Stiff Competition", "Never Had A Lot To Lose" and "Clock Strikes Ten", plus Heaven Tonight, Dream Police and Lap Of Luxury are excellent albums. "The Flame" is one of my all-time favorite power ballads too.
Rush—The critics hate these crazy Canucks with a passion, which I’m sure makes their continuing prolonged success all the more infuriating to them. Rush really hit their stride when Geddy Lee reined in his voice and really learned how to sing instead of screeching and shrieking, long about the time of Moving Pictures in 1981, the first in a string of what I thought were their five best albums (Signals, Grace Under Pressure, Power Windows and Hold Your Fire being the others).
Grand Funk Railroad—Another trio the critics loved to hate, and they were even more merciless on GFR than they were on Rush. Much to their credit, Mark, Don and Mel didn’t give a monkey’s what the critics thought, and just went out and played what people wanted to hear. Grand Funk has two songs that would make my Top 100 of all-time, "We’re An American Band" and "I’m Your Captain/Closer To Home", the latter of which I want played at my funeral.
Journey—I have a soft spot for Journey, in spite of Steve Perry’s penchant for sappy power ballads like "Open Arms" and his firing of bassist Ross Valory and drummer Steve Smith for no good reason in 1985. Yeah, we’re in a slump, so let’s fire the rhythm section. Flaky as he is, Perry was still a pretty good front man, and guitarist Neal Schon is vastly overlooked. I love their "B" stuff like "Rubicon", "Line of Fire", "Be Good To Yourself", "Lay It Down" and "Only The Young".
Motorhead—Without Uncle Lemmy and company, there would be no Metallica, there would be no Judas Priest, there would be no Iron Maiden, and so forth on down the line, yet they get precious little credit for being true groundbreaking heavy metal behemoths. They are the loudest, rawest and fastest band in my musical collection, and with lines like "You got a body like a Marshall stack," Lemmy also incorporates a sense of humor into Motorhead’s music—a rarity in the metal genre.
John Hiatt—A brilliant singer/songwriter with a knack for clever lines like "thunder and lightning from the bloodshot skies" and the only man I know of who successfully worked in porcupines and amoebas in the same song and made it work! His gentle good humor and unique perspectives on life really make his music come alive. Hard to be in a bad mood while listening to him…
Nick Lowe—A one-time cohort of J. Hiatt’s, and a very witty songwriter in his own right (write?), plus he plays a pretty mean bass guitar and is known for his production talents too. Full of brilliant lines like "When I’m with you, girl, I get an extension—and I don’t mean Alexander Graham Bell’s invention" (from "Switchboard Susan") and "You’re cold, pretty mama, like a Utah night" (from "Refrigerator White"), I don’t get why Lowe gets snubbed by the Hall of Fame while a wanker like Elvis Costello gets in.
Dave Edmunds—Erstwhile partner of N. Lowe’s in Rockpile, Edmunds may well be the greatest Rock guitar player that most people have never heard of. The man pays tribute to old-school Rockabilly and Blues like no one else, and is one of the best re-interpreters ever of old songs.
Black Oak Arkansas—Not the most musically-gifted group in the world, but Jim Dandy and BOA made up for that with a great attitude and some fun music. To the critic who said BOA’s one distinguishing quality was that they "had three guitar players that didn’t even add up to one good one", I say just keep on listening to your King Crimson records and go get stuffed!
Jim Croce—Oh, what might've been. This man hadn't even come close to peaking at the time of his untimely death in 1973, and his influence can clearly be heard in the work of people like John Hiatt, Tom Petty and many other songwriters. And why the hell isn't he in the friggin' Hall of Fame? Jim's career lasted three times as long as Ritchie Valens', and was far more prolific, yet Ritchie's in the Hall and Jim isn't.
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