"Ponderous...fucking ponderous!"--Casey Kasem

And so goes that annual exercise in overkill known as the NFL Draft, which began today in New Yawk...

Actually, the draft itself isn't the problem—it's ESPN's over-zealous coverage thereof.  Good gravy, people—must we analyze every last fucking detail about every team and every player here?  Then again, you can't spell "analyze" without "anal", which pretty much describes ESPN's wall-to-wall coverage of this thing.  Keep in mind, this is coming from a dyed-in-the-wool football fanatic here!  Sadly, they take all the fun out of football for me every year when they assualt us with their squadron of so-called "experts" and talking heads jaw-jacking and dissecting every possible move each team might make, with the vaunted Mel Kiper, Jr. right in the middle of it all.  For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, ESPN trots this bozo out every year to give his analysis and opinions on the draft, yet he has all the accuracy of Otis from "The Andy Griffith Show" skeet-shooting!  This guy makes Miss Cleo look legit...

One thing I did enjoy was watching QB Brady Quinn sweat and despair over dropping like a tombstone at sea until the Browns finally snagged him at #22.  He's a Notre Dame douche, you know, so he deserved it...

Doin' the "Chy Chy"!

Just finished watching Disc 1 of the newly-released "WKRP In Cincinnati" Season 1 DVD set via my Netflix rental, and thoroughly enjoyed it—it's kinda like reconnecting with an old friend whom you haven't seen in like 20 years.  The set is worth it alone just to hear Les Nessman—the Ted Baxter of radio—mangling his news copy with his infamous "Chy Chy Rodrigweez" mispronunciation, not to mention hearing the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir's rendition of "You're Having My Baby", but there are plenty more classic moments to behold here.

This DVD release is sadly flawed in that they couldn't afford to license the use of the music that was included in the original episodes (the precise reason there's been such a long delay in this series making it to DVD), so you won't be hearing the likes of Foreigner's "Hot Blooded", et al, but that's a small price to pay, really—it's better than the show never being released at all.  They did make up for it a little by including a bit of commentary from Hugh Wilson (the show's creator), Frank Bonner, who played the insufferable Herb Tarlek, and (much to my surprise) Loni Anderson herself.  And I must say that I'd forgotten how pretty she was back in the day!  I don't normally go for platinum blondes—I'm more partial to dark-haired women and redheads—but Loni most definitely kept me tuning in each week when I was going through puberty!

Another thing that was fun for me was seeing the location shots of Cincinnati in the opening title sequence again, now that I've actually been there a few times, thus giving me a better perspective.  AND, I finally got to see the beloved "Turkeys Away" episode that, for whatever reason, I had never seen in its entirety until now.  What a classic line from "The Big Guy", Mr. Carlson: "As God is my witness—I swear I thought turkeys could fly!"

One thing that always drove me crazy about this show was the set layout.  The orientation of the hallway that supposedly led from the reception area behind Jennifer's desk to the studios is impossible—unless they had some sort of open-air skywalk that ran outside the window in Mr. Carlson's office!  Another boo-boo was how Les and the DJs rarely ever wore headphones while speaking on the air.

Don't mean to nit-pick, though—this was a fun little show!  The plots were a little hokey sometimes, but when you have a good ensemble cast with great characters, you can get away with that.  I look forward to seeing the rest of the series, especially the episode with Les warning people to take cover from those "Godless tornadoes" and former Reds manager Sparky Anderson's guest appearance, as well as the really poignant one based on the 1979 Who concert tragedy in Cincinnati.  The one with Herb and Jennifer getting stuck in the elevator was pretty good too.  Let's hope they put the other three seasons out with a bit more alacrity...

Good night, and may the good news be yours...

Exhibit A...

...on why I so despise organized religion: Praise the Lord and pass the loot, eh Jerry?   What a parasite!

TV evangelists are precisely why I'm a non-believer, and the bigger they are, the less I trust them. It's sad how these so-called religious "leaders" like Falwell, Robertson, Swaggart, Graham, et al, constantly prey upon emotionally-crippled people and convert them into a bunch of God-fearing check-writing idiots.  Pathetic...

In the words of my man Lemmy from Motorhead in their song "Bad Religion": "Evangelistic Nazis--you cannot frighten me..."

Happy Michael Moore's b-day!

...just to rile all you über conservatives up out there...

With all the rancor and insanity from the past couple weeks, I'm practically all ranted-out, so I'll keep the anarchy to a minimum tonight, with one little exception...

OOPS! SHE DID IT AGAIN...
No, I'm not referring to Britney Spears shaving her head, but instead I'm talking about about conservative wing-nut Michelle Malkin (left) writing yet another inane column, this time suggesting that we should arm college students on campuses across the country with handguns so they can defend themselves in the unlikely event that another piece of human feces like that Cho dickhead goes on a rampage.  Oh yeah, Michelle, putting firearms in the hands of those mature young people fresh out of high school will certainly make college campuses so much safer!  You think the carnage at Va. Tech last week was bad?  Just wait until you get a bunch of drunken frat boys packing heat at a kegger...

Perhaps Miss (near Miss?) Malkin oughtta shave her head and Britney should try writing newspaper columns for a while instead...

FOR ONCE I AGREE...
...with college football coach Steve Spurrier, who recently stated that he thinks the state of South Carolina needs to lose the Confederate Flag at their Capitol building.  Whaddya know?  The "Ol' Ball Coach" isn't such a dumb redneck after all!

HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?
Bravo to the Boston Red Sox for not only sweeping the New York Yankees over the weekend, but for doing it with style by cranking out four home runs in a row in last night's game.  Although I'm totally burned out on the whole Yankees-Red Sox rivalry thing and the way ESPN plays it up so much, it was still pretty funny...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #25
"Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)"--THE HOLLIES (1972) "Well suddenly we heard the sirens..."  Sirens sounded more like "sunrise" to me. "Well I told her don't get scared 'cos you're gonna be spared..."  I always thought that line went "'cause you've gone off--it's bad."  That song never did make a whole lot of sense to me, but I guess it was still better than "Short Fat Woman (In A Brown Dress)"...

AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR...
I saw by the paper over the weekend that Bannister Mall, located just outside of Raytown, will be closing for good on May 31st.  This comes as no great shock, as this once-mighty mall has been in a nosedive of epic proportions over the last five years or so, thanks to commercial over-development/overkill in the surrounding area and one too many carjackings in the parking lots, culminating in the one-by-one defections of the mall's anchor tenants, beginning with Dillard's, followed by J.C. Penney, then the Jones Store, and the final nail in the coffin when Sears closed just after last Christmas.

I distinctly remember the summer of 1980 when the mall first opened, how us Raytown South High students in search of gainful employment all flocked there to apply for jobs.  Camelot Records was my primary target, naturally, and desperation even once caused me to apply at something in the food court called Taco Factory, but I never actually worked at the mall.  I also remember spending a small fortune at Fun Factory during the winter of '81-'82 on video games.  Kinda sad to see the place go, but unfortunately enclosed malls have fallen by the wayside in favor of the en vogue "big box" retailer clusterfuck shopping centers that you need a road map and a fucking compass to find your way around in.  Rumors abound that they're going to bulldoze Bannister Mall and build a soccer stadium on the site for the Wiz(ards), assuming that David Beckham doesn't bankrupt Major League Soccer first.

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
Not that I really care about this "American Idol" palaver, but it seems that the dearly-departed Sanjaya was quoted as saying that "being famous feels weird."  Must be true, being as he seems like an aficionado on weirdness.  Okay Bud, your 15 minutes are now up, so please go join William Hung and the rest of the faux celebrity wanna-bes/never-weres.  See you in Branson in a few years...

The Summer Concert Scene

With the current financial climate being what it is, you'll be getting less bang for your buck during this year's summer concert season, as promoters have been forced to economize and settle for booking somewhat "lesser" talent, like the following, coming to a town near you...

—The Doobie Cousins
—The Green Man Group
—Fred Nugent
—Richard Petty & The Heartbreakers
—The Whom
—Jethro Dull
—Clapton & Tennille
—Bachman-Turner Overdrawn
—Decent Company
—Normal Al Yankovic
—The Old Rascals
—Jerry Lee Lipschitz
—The Dave Matthews Bland
—Tin Zeppelin
—The Beagles
—Dire Circles
—Arthur Frampton (the man with three buttocks!)
—The Indigo Boys
—Darn Yankees
—BAAB
—Chuck Barely
—Kenny Rogers & The Worst Edition
—Big Richard
—David Lee Roethlisberger
—Off-Black Sabbath
—Judas Rabbi
—Cheapest Trick
—Def, Dumb & Blind Leppard
—April Beer
—Gordon Hotfoot
—The Average White Guy
—The Moody Teals
—Steve Nicks
—Bruce Ringtone and the G-String Band
—Candle Light Orchestra
—The Stationary Wilburys
—The Ponderous Thunderbirds
—The Four Pots
—U1
—Shallow Purple
—John Cafferty & The Brown Beaver Band
—Paul Revere & The Pacifists
—The Larry Davis Experience
—Pink Lloyd
—And, last but not least—Elton Johnson!

Rock on, peoples!

Oh No! More Lists!

PEOPLE WHO I THINK SHOULD BE IN THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME THAT AREN’T
(In order of deservedness)
1) Paul Revere & The Raiders
2) Kiss
3) The Moody Blues
4) Deep Purple
5) Neil Diamond
6) The Doobie Brothers
7) Jim Croce
8) The Hollies
9) Chicago
10) ABBA
11) Stevie Ray Vaughan
12) Bad Company
13) Rush
14) Dave Edmunds
15) Motorhead
16) Barry White
17) Cheap Trick
18) Genesis
19) Alice Cooper
20) Nick Lowe
21) Jethro Tull
22) Grand Funk Railroad
23) Three Dog Night
24) John Hiatt
25) Judas Priest
26) Heart
27) The Stylistics
28) Dire Straits
29) Yes
30) The Spinners

PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME WHO I THINK SHOULDN’T BE
(In order of un-deservedness)
1) Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
2) Miles Davis
3) The Sex Pistols
4) Patti Smith
5) Elvis Costello
6) Bonnie Raitt
7) The Clash
8) The Grateful Dead
9) The Staples Singers
10) Percy Sledge
11) The Velvet Underground
12) Traffic
13) The Lovin’ Spoonful
14) Rick Nelson
15) Van Morrison
16) Dion
17) Blondie
18) Jackson Browne
19) Prince*
20) Ritchie Valens
21) The (Young) Rascals
22) The Pretenders*
23) Talking Heads*
24) R.E.M.*
25) Aerosmith*
*=Not yet, anyway!

The floor is now open for debate...

I Rant, Therefore I Am

Hate to lean so heavy on the negativity today, but I gots to get stuff out of my system.  So, I'll warn you in advance that this ain't a real positive post, thus giving you, gentle readers, the option of passing or playing...

MORE VA. TECH THOUGHTS
Let’s hear it for "The Today Show" for seizing the chance to broadcast their show live from the Virginia Tech campus.  It’s not as if these poor people haven’t had enough disruptions there without you people to get in their way, is it?  It wouldn’t surprise me if the other morning shows did this too, but "Today" was the only one I caught in the act.  As I’ve previously ranted about on this blog, I think it's total bullshit when TV news outfits do this sort of thing—using the scene of a tragedy as the stage for their shows.  It doesn’t make them look any more timely or enhance their credibility at all—it merely makes them look like a bunch of opportunistic vultures, and it’s just plain wrong!

Oh, by the way, I’m amazed that Pat Robertson hasn’t proclaimed that all the victims of the massacre had it coming to them anyway because its God’s revenge over America’s "secular agenda"…

On a more positive note, a heartfelt salute to the Washington Nationals baseball club for wearing Virginia Tech caps during their game with the Phillies last night at R.F.K. Stadium.  It was a somewhat spur-of-the-moment thing, but a local D.C. sporting goods store helped round up the caps for the team, which they donned during the 2nd inning (with Major League Baseball's blessing) in a classy show of support for the people of their region.  It wasn't much, but it came from the heart, and I commend them for it.  Well done, gentlemen...

A RETRACTION
I wrongly accused Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of Kiss of saying next to nothing on their official website following Mark St. John’s passing a couple weeks back.  Gene and Paul did indeed issue subsequent separate statements regarding Mark, so I hereby take back my previous remarks.

"Mark tried his best to become the guitar player that KISS and our fans needed, so that we could continue moving forward. I enjoyed and am proud of our work together on Animalize and know how much he wanted to take that leap to the stage to play with us live. He was gracious in his acceptance that it wouldn't happen and was supportive of Bruce and a gentleman when it was clear that his ailment would end his time with us."—Paul Stanley

"Mark was a great guitarist and a good man. He will be missed." —Gene Simmons

As for my belief in the sincerity of Gene’s statement, let’s just say that it rings pretty hollow and leave it at that…

#42
I found the ESPN broadcast of the Dodgers-Padres game/Jackie Robinson tribute thing on Sunday night rather comical.  It was almost as if the ballgame itself was intruding on the celebration, the way they kept going on and on about him.  I thought for a while there that the Guinness World Record people might need to get their erasers ready for the Most Utterances of the Same Man’s Name in a Three-Hour Sports Broadcast...

Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely do think Jackie Robinson should be honored for what he did, and in fact, this whole tribute was about 35 years too late.  Where was Major League Baseball on the 25th anniversary of Robinson’s debut?  It would have carried a lot more weight if they’d honored the man while he was still alive, rather than doing it now when it’s so fashionable and good P.R. for the league.  And of course, our buddy Jesse Jackson was there doing his token appearance/photo-op.  It also seems kinda warped to do this L.A., because although the Dodgers were Jackie’s team, he never played one inning in California!  Doing this at a Mets game might have been more appropriate…

I SUPPOSE...
...this may not be the most appropriate time for the following anonymous adage, but here goes:  "Life is not a garden, so stop being a hoe!"

Enlighten us, oh Flatulent One!

The editors at The Kansas City Star are practically breaking their own arms patting themselves on the back over the way sports columnist Jason Whitlock has suddenly become the big (both literally and figuratively) media darling the past few days after he took Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to task over their unabashed grandstanding in the Don Imus flap.  Whitlock has been all over the TV this week (again, both literally and figuratively), including appearances on CNN, Oprah, etc., discussing the Rap/Hip-Hop culture’s insidious effects on kids in terms of racial and sexual relations and all.  He’s been widely praised by both the powers-that-be at the paper and numerous letter-writers for “telling it like it is”, but to all that I just have one little thing to say…

Back the truck up a minute, people!

This is the same guy who recently used the term "hoes" in his AOL column (and he wasn't referring to garden implements).  This is the same guy who’s been known to use the term “pimp-slap” and other Hip-Hop lingo in his daily Star sports columns.  This is the same guy who once taunted New England Patriots fans from the press box while covering a Chiefs game at Foxboro Stadium with a handmade sign that read “Drew Bledsoe is gay.”  This is the same guy who routinely resorts to childish name-calling in his daily columns to get his point across (“King” Carl Peterson, “Tr-INT” Green, “Prie$t” Holmes, Ty “Flaw”, et al).  This is the same guy who would routinely rip players in his column for holding out for more money and not honoring their contracts, yet he abruptly quit his own radio show a couple years ago without notice, even though he had a contract.  And yet now Jason’s suddenly the avatar of social consciousness for all to behold?  Welcome, boys and girls, to Hypocrisy 101, because this guy does NOT practice what he preaches, so who is he to criticize what other people do and say?

Okay, before you point fingers back at me—yes, I’m guilty of a little name-calling here on the blog myself (i.e., "Anderson Pooper"), but it’s usually meant in fun at people who deserve it, and unlike Whitlock, I’m not pulling in a six-figure salary to write a column for a major-market newspaper with a reputation to uphold—big difference!  I ain’t making a dime off this little venture, and since there are no rules on my blog to break, I'll say what I want.  But, if I were indeed doing this for money, I would clean up my act a little.  Just a little, though.  But I digress…

I moonlighted (moonlit?) in the Sports Dept. at the Star as a stats editor in the mid-’90s, and I can tell you firsthand that Jason Whitlock is one big jerk.  The arrogance he exudes on camera and in his columns is no act—what you see is what you get.  He rarely ever came in to the office, but during the few times he did bother to grace us with his presence, he would saunter in like his shit didn’t stink (it does, trust me!), and would even engage in heated debates with other columnists while he was there.  And the Flatulent One would often indulge in his favorite hobby while sitting at his cubicle.  "Farting is very important to me. It's a huge part of my life. I've built my entire life around farting." [That's an actual Whitlock quote, folks--I'm NOT making that up!]

This is not to say that I totally disagree with what Whitlock has been saying this week regarding Sharpton and Jackson.  On the contrary—Jason does have some very valid points there.  But, for every brilliant, thought-provoking column the man writes, there are three ignorant ones.  Whitlock all too often shoots himself in the foot with the utter stupidity and childishness that I outlined above, as well as his silly obsession with his friend Jeff George (whom he claims is the greatest quarterback this side of Joe Montana, thus still deserves another shot in the NFL), and Jason also has this irritating habit of constantly creating racial issues where there are none.  Too bad, because he has the potential to be one of the greatest sportswriters of all-time if he could ever get past his own ego...

Thoughts on yesterday

I wanted to give myself time to let the Virginia Tech tragedy all sink in before responding with any kind of knee-jerk reaction, thus I waited a day, and here’s what I have to say…

Obviously, this miscreant was a nut-job, but even without the guns, he may well have found another way to commit these sickening acts, but it seems to me that the magnitude of this tragedy would have been lessened considerably if this whacko didn’t have such easy access to semi-automatic weaponry!  Now, before all you NRA-types out there get your collective panties in a wad, I’m not calling for a ban on ALL guns—what I’m saying is there need to be more restrictions on access to certain types of guns.

Charmin’ Chuck Heston, Ted Nugent and the rest of NRA-nation are going to have to go a long way to convince me that anyone other than military or law enforcement personnel have any need whatsoever to own semi-automatic handguns or rifles!  What the fuck are these kind of weapons doing in the hands of private citizens?  Sorry Ted, but you don’t need a fucking Uzi to kill rabbits, ducks, elks, or any other wild animals, and you can’t convince me otherwise.  Maybe I'm naïve about all this, but if you take away the semi-automatic aspect of yesterday's shootings, we might only be talking about ten deaths instead of 33.  Normal sane people shouldn’t even have access to this stuff—let alone psychotics like this creep who shot up Virginia Tech—yet these weapons are so damn easy to obtain in our country.  Hell, look at Columbine—those two little bastards amassed an arsenal that some small countries would be envious of, and they were high school students!

I have no doubt there will be tons of excuses spewed forth over the next few days from the NRA, but I’m so fucking tired of hearing their hackneyed rhetoric about it being their patriotic right (not to mention my patriotic duty) to bear arms.  And, oh by the way, I felt this way long before the likes of Michael Moore came along, so save your breath before you accuse me of being a "bleeding-heart" liberal.  Something’s got to change, folks…

Happiness Is A Warm Gun? Yeah, right...

Yes, I know John Lennon wrote that song in jest, but sadly there are too many people out there for whom that phrase is all too true—just ask the people of Blacksburg, VA tonight.  I'm too pissed off and too tired to blog about this tragedy tonight, but I do plan to post a reaction to all of this later after more facts come in, and I can assure all the NRA-types out there that they won't like what I have to say...

Meanwhile, my condolences to friends and families of all the victims of this senseless act of violence.

R.I.P., Don Ho

I just heard the news of the passing of singer Don Ho at age 76--here are the details.  Even though I've had more than just a little fun at his expense over his surname, I never meant ANY disrespect to him as a performer, and I DO recognize that he has a legion of followers out there, and that he was also well-loved.  And I have to admit, his remake of Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" was a total crack-up, too...

And, how strangely ironic that D.H. would pass away during the same week when another man named Don and the term "ho" were the flashpoint topic in the news...

Aloha, Don...

I STILL hear him Rockin'...

Tomorrow may be April 15th, but tax day isn’t a total bummer because it’s also the birthday of one of my all-time favorite musicians, guitarist Dave Edmunds.  You may not know his name, but chances are you’re familiar with at least some of his work if you listen to Rock at all.  He’s produced some major acts over the years (Foghat, the Stray Cats and Fabulous T-Birds, to name three), hit the Top 40 a couple times (with 1970’s “I Hear You Knockin’” and 1983’s “Slipping Away”), and he was a member of the band Rockpile, which he formed with bassist/producer Nick Lowe.  Edmunds has your basic cult following in Rock circles, but it’s a pretty big cult all the same.  I used to wear this Dave Edmunds concert shirt I got at one of his shows back in the ‘80s, and people would come up to me and say, “Man, where’d you get that shirt? I love Dave Edmunds!”  I first got into Dave in the summer of ’79 when his album Repeat When Necessary came out and the song “Crawling From The Wreckage” got a fair amount of airplay on the old KY-102.

By the way, who’s the nandofuck that came up with those gawdawful call letters (KYYS)?  Why on earth would you want your radio station named after a lubrication jelly?  But I digress…

Dave’s career goes all the way back to the late ‘60s with a band called the Human Beans (not to be confused with the Human Beinz of “Nobody But Me” fame) who did a cover version of the Tim Rose classic “Morning Dew”.  Edmunds later formed a trio called Love Sculpture, which was sort of a poor man’s ZZ Top, and they covered many old blues and Rockabilly classics, and did this manic rendition of Khachaturian’s classical classic “Sabre Dance” that was beyond belief.  He eventually went solo in the early ‘70s, yielding the fluke hit “Knockin’”, as well as songs like “Down, Down, Down” and “The Stumble”.  But it was when Edmunds hooked up with Lowe in the late ‘70s that his career really took off.  From 1977 through ’79, Edmunds and Lowe recorded albums under their own names, but it was in fact the band Rockpile, which was rounded out by guitarist Billy Bremner and drummer Terry Williams (who later toured with Dire Straits).  The irony of all ironies is how when the band finally put out a record under the Rockpile name, 1980’s Seconds of Pleasure, it wound up being sub-par compared with their previous output under the Lowe and Edmunds names, and after one Rockpile tour, the band broke up, rather acrimoniously...

Normally, I don’t condone artists who make careers out of doing cover versions of other people’s work (Linda Ronstadt, White Courtesy Phone!), but I make an exception for someone who takes other people’s songs and adds their own touches to them or improves upon the originals, and that’s where Dave Edmunds excels.  And it’s not like Dave just plays the hits, either—he often took obscure tracks from legendary artists like Chuck Berry or Elvis Presley and made them his own, like “Dear Dad” and “Paralyzed”, respectively.  Dave’s version of another Elvis song (Costello, that is) “Girls’ Talk” blows the original away, and Dave’s rendition of Bob Seger’s “Get Out of Denver” is even faster than the original, if you can believe that.  DE also did a far superior version of “Queen Of Hearts” two years before Juice Newton had the big hit with it.

And there certainly was no dearth of original material along the way either, and much of it written by Nick Lowe, and much of it was very witty, including tracks like “Television”, “Not A Woman, Not A Child”, “What Did I Do Last Night?” and “I Knew The Bride”, which NL himself had a hit with in 1985, and which is now routinely played at wedding receptions the world over.  Bruce Springsteen wrote a song specifically for Dave in 1982 called "From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come)" and “Slipping Away” was written by ELO’s Jeff Lynne, whose collaboration on two of Dave’s albums in the mid-’80s was rather derisively dubbed “Edmunds Light Orchestra” by uninformed critics.  Even with all the electronic drums and ‘80s overkill, Dave still managed to sound cool.  He would later take that technology and put it to good use on 1994’s Plugged In CD, on which Edmunds played EVERY instrument himself, including an updated version of “Sabre Dance“ that really kicks...

Oh, did I mention that Dave Edmunds could put on a pretty good live show, too?  I saw him and his band nearly blow the roof off the Uptown Theater twice back in the early ‘80s.  I also have to thank Dave not only for his own body of work, but for considerably broadening my musical horizons over the years—it was through him that I came to know the work of Nick Lowe, and it was through Lowe that I came to know the work of John Hiatt, who has subsequently become one of my favorite songwriters of all-time...

MY D.E. TOP FIVE (ALBUMS):
1) Tracks On Wax 4 (1978)
2) D.E. 7th (1982)
3) Repeat When Necessary (1979)
4) Get It (1977)
5) Plugged In (1994)

Happy 63rd, Dave! Hope we still hear you Rockin’ for a long time…

Saturday the 14th...

...is surely bad luck to someone out there...

DON IMUS POST-MORTEM
Just wanted to clarify my position on Dangerous Don here, lest anyone think I'm playing both sides of the fence.  I think he deserved to be fired not merely over this one incident, but because he's made a career out of this sort of thing, and the fact that he's an equal-opportunity disher-outer of vitriol is no excuse, either.  While I do admit to "piling on" sometimes in situations like this involving people I don't like, I ain't shedding any tears for Imus.  He won't be hanging out at the homeless shelter any time soon (he's loaded), and I have no doubt he'll land on his feet somewhere else, just like Marv Albert did.  Remember when he had his little scandal a few years back, and everyone thought he'd trashed his career?  Well, last time I checked, Marv's still calling NBA games on TBS/TNT, so Imus should have no problem resurrecting his precious career in satellite-land with his buddy Howard Stern.

By the way, I loved what MSNBC replaced Imus with on TV—a two-hour daily discussion of why they dropped him!  My suggestion was to run a test pattern in his place and see if anyone noticed the difference...

As for Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, now that they got what they wanted in the firing of Imus, why don't they turn their attention to their own people who spew out the same kind of racial crap?  I'm not just talking about the Rap and Hip/Hop people, either—I'm talking about people like "Boondocks" cartoonist Aaron McGruder.  I absolutely LOVED his comic strip with Huey and Riley in the papers—it was timely, top-notch and brilliantly written—but when McGruder got big-headed and converted the strip into an animated series on Cartoon Network, it was a major disappointment to me.  There was just too much "nigga"-this and "nigga"-that coming from a 10-year-old's mouth, and after just a few episodes I grew tired of it and stopped watching.  C'mon Al and Jesse—let's see you guys bitch about that crap...

BUT WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO?
According to U.S. Olympic Ski Team party boy Bode Miller—for whom skiing is more of a hobby than a serious pursuit—he doesn't plan to participate in the 2010 Winter Games because "there's too much emphasis on winning" in the Olympics.  Yeah, Bode, all that competition crap is pretty pointless, ain't it?  Just go smoke another bong and stop embarrassing us, numb-nuts!

LET'S JUST FIRE EVERYBODY, HUH?
I saw some schmuck on Faux News Channel yesterday morning hawking his campaign to have Rosie O'Donnell removed from "The View" because she "offends ALL Americans" with her remarks.  True, Rosie's an idiot, and heaven knows there are numerous people who I'd love to see removed from the public airways (Bill O'Reilly, Pat Robertson, Geraldo Rivera--come on down!), but if we took that attitude and fired every TV personality who offended someone, even Johnny Carson couldn't hold down a TV job if he were alive today.  If you don't like this stupid twit, then don't watch her!

THE CONTINUING CRISIS...
Stopped into Dick's Sporting Goods today to look around and stumbled across an assortment of "Texas Hold 'Em" poker tables for sale.  Must I repeat myself?  POKER IS NOT A SPORT!!!  It's no more of a sport than Monopoly or checkers, so why then is it all over ESPN, the sports page in the paper and sporting goods stores?  I don't get it...

Speaking of D'sSG, the Colorado Rapids new soccer stadium in Denver is called "Dick's Sporting Goods Park".  I couldn't help but wonder if they have signage around the stadium just like the old Dick's Root Beer stand we used to have here in Raytown which read "Parking for Dicks" that omitted the apostrophe in the most inopportune place...

YES WE CAN CAN
Top 15 Yes Tribute Band Names:
1) Yep
2) Hell Yes!
3) Yeah
4) Okey-Dokey
5) Affirmative
6) Sure, Why Not?
7) Yes-indeed-ely-doo!
8) Yepper
9) Aye, Aye
10) We'll See...
11) Fine And Dandy
12) Soitenly!
13) Sho'nuff
14) Aw, What The Hell...
15) Eeeee-Yesss! (featuring Marv Albert and White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson)

YOUR STARTING LINEUP...
"First Base--Bugs Bunny; Second Base--Bugs Bunny; Third Base--Bugs Bunny; Shortstop--Bugs Bunny; Pitching--Bugs Bunny..."

That's what this tribute the Los Angeles Dodgers are doing tomorrow to honor Jackie Robinson kinda reminds me of.  All the players will wear Robinson's #42 for one game in honor of the 60th anniversary of Jackie breaking the color barrier in baseball.  Coincidentally, it's also nearly the 13th anniversary of when Major League Baseball sheepishly realized it should start honoring Jackie Robinson for breaking the color barrier in baseball in the wake of Ken Burns' 1994 PBS "Baseball" documentary.  No word yet on if all the players will actually change their names to Jackie Robinson for the game too...

Your 411 on 4/11

I AM THE CHAMPIONS! I AM THE CHAMPIONS!
No time for losers, and congrats to me for emerging victorious in my fantasy hockey league on Yahoo!  My mighty Johnstown Chiefs made a thrilling comeback in the league finals over the weekend to secure my fourth fantasy sports title in the last five years (two in football, one in baseball).  Special thanks to goaltender Niklas Backstrom of the Minnesota Wild for his stellar play and three shutouts in the last two weeks of the season, which wound up being the difference between me winning and losing.  We had no championship trophy for our league, but I do have a PCV valve that I never used on my old car—it looks kinda-sorta like a mini-Stanley Cup—so it’ll suffice as the makeshift Holland Cup!

This was also my first go-round as a league commissioner, and it went quite swimmingly.  True, I didn’t have the Pacman Joneses and Ron Artests of the world to deal with, but I still think I made a better commish than Bud Selig!

And now we can all kick back and watch the real deal, as the NHL playoffs begin tonight. Let the games begin, and GO DEVILS!

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!
We now know who Anna Nicole Smith’s baby’s father is.  Can we now please lay this two-bit whore to rest once and for all?

ONE COOL THING…
…about all this Don Imus hoop-de-doo: It made everyone forget all about Anna Nicole…for about half a day, anyway.  Another cool thing about it:  I just love watching Imus (in the words of Louie DePalma), "squeal like an eel, and squirm like a worm!"  And, oh by the way, MSNBC announced today that they will no longer simulcast "Anus In the Morning" on the tee-vee.  So much for my insomnia cure—d'oh!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #24
"Trouble Walkin’"—ACE FREHLEY (1989) "I am trouble walkin’."  When I first heard this, I thought Space Ace was singing, "I have trouble walking," which in his case, was especially true during the Kiss days trying to navigate around in those platforms.  He never quite mastered the Earth’s gravitational pull, and was known to wind up on his keester on-stage a time or two…

JUUUUST A BIT OUTSIDE…OF CLEVELAND
I couldn’t help but note the irony of the Cleveland Indians having to move their series with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (By Way of El Segundo) to Milwaukee’s Miller Park this week, being’s how Milwaukee was "home" to the Cleveland Indians in the film Major League.  Cleveland’s Municipal Stadium was a great old ballpark, but was apparently a lousy actor, so old County Stadium in Milwaukee—which was right next door to Miller Park—stood in for it.  Evidently, Cleveland’s current ballpark, Jacobs Field, couldn’t act either, since Baltimore’s Camden Yards starred in the sequel Major League 2.  So far so good for the current Tribe, as they won last night 7-6 in their "home away from home", and they didn’t even need Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger or the dude that played Pedro Cerrano who now lectures us in those dumbass Allstate commercials...

Speaking of Miller Park, it’s too bad that more corporate names on stadiums and arenas aren’t as simple as this one, or say Wrigley Field, Philips Arena or Busch Stadium.  Those at least still sound like they were named after a person, unlike these ludicrous monikers like M&T Bank Stadium, National Car Rental Center and Quicken Loans Arena.  Even Target Center, United Center, Qwest Field and our new Sprint Center don’t sound nearly as heinous as crap like Networks Associates Coliseum.  And you know it's only a matter of time before they name some poor stadium after a law firm—can't you just picture "Dewey, Cheatem & Howe Park"?

What Might Have Been, Vol. III

Another installment in my little ongoing anthology of TV and movie castings that did and didn't happen, thus altering popular history in unfathomable ways:

• Shirley Temple was considered for Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz, but 20th Century-Fox wouldn’t loan her to M.G.M., and Judy Garland was their first choice anyway.  Shirley also auditioned for "The Little Rascals" twice and was turned down.
• Rob Lowe lost out to Billy Zane in Titanic for the role of Cal, thus couldn't be called an "unspeakable bastard"—at least not that time...
• Reba McEntire was actually considered for the role of "unsinkable" Molly Brown in Titanic, but touring commitments prevented her from taking it.  Cathy Bates wound up with the role.
• Hal Linden of "Barney Miller" was offered and turned down the lead role on "St. Elsewhere".
• James Caan passed up plum roles in both the M*A*S*H movie and Apocalypse Now, and was also considered for Han Solo in Star Wars.  Come to think of it, it would probably be quicker to list the actors who WEREN’T considered for Han Solo.
• Nancy McKeon of "Facts Of Life" fame was once considered for Monica on "Friends". They made the wise choice on that one, I think.
• Oprah Winfrey’s first name was actually supposed to be "Orpah", but someone screwed it up on her birth certificate, and the name stuck.
• Actor Dennis Quaid was turned down for the role of Luke Duke on "The Dukes of Hazzard", as was Gerald McRaney.  Both actors are no doubt eternally grateful…

Anus In The Morning

Since this is the hot-button topic of the day, here's my .02-worth on the Don Imus flap and his ignorant remarks about the Rutgers chick basketball team, who lost to Tennessee last week, where he referred to them as "nappy headed hos" on his "Imus In The Morning" radio/TV show, for which he's been suspended for two weeks, beginning next Monday:

Granted, Imus is a frequent target of my verbal bazooka in this here space because he's a crashing bore and an acerbic jerk with all the personality of a ball-peen hammer—obviously, I don't like Imus to begin with, so I admit to being biased here.  BUUUT—all that being said, I had no idea this schlub was a complete and total moron, too!  Sure, I can see how somebody might say some stupid shit like that when sitting around the bar surrounded by their buddies after tossing down a few (hell, I'm guilty of it myself), but how fucking dumb do ya gotta be to say something like that on a national radio/TV show that bears your own name?  If I'd have said shit like this when I was DJ, they'd have jettisoned me the nanosecond I uttered it!  What I don't get is why his suspension doesn't kick in until next week, but, for whatever reason, D.I. gets four more days to impersonate a dead man on the air in the interim.  I also find it ironic that all this time (even before this colossal brain fart), Imus claims that his show has been attempting to do comedy!  Evidently, I never received that memo, because his show was/is about as funny as Alzheimer's Disease...

It feels strange to me to actually side with a phony grandstander like Rev. Al Sharpton, but in this case I think he's right and Imus should be fired.  And while it's true that every other Rap/Hip-Hop artist (and their mother) uses the term "ho" ad nauseam, I don't think there's a double-standard here because Sharpton has spoken out against the Rap/Hip-Hop community using terms like that about women, but that rarely gets publicized.  None of that excuses Mr. Imus' behavior here, anyway—I'm sorry, but a guy who's been on the air as long as he has oughtta know better!  Furthermore, Imus' show has a history of this kind of crap anyway.  A vaunted member of his cast of characters, Sid Rosenberg, was removed from the show last year after ignorant cracks he made about singer Kylie Minogue’s bout with breast cancer (can you please explain to me where on earth you find humor in ANYONE having cancer?), and Imus himself also once admitted to hiring someone to write "nigger" jokes for him in a "60 Minutes" interview some years ago.

By the way, Imus should avoid sports topics altogether in the future, because he constantly displays his ignorance—this is the same guy who had to ask during Super Bowl week if Johnny Unitas was still alive.  If and when they do fire him, Imus can take the rest of his cronies, apologists and yes-men with him, especially that bozo on his show that does the lame Bill Clinton impressions.  Hey bud, Slick Willie wasn’t all that funny to impersonate even back when he was President, and doing him now is sooo '90s!

Feel free to challenge me on this topic—I'd enjoy some good give-and-take on it.

King Biscuit rides again!

Well, lookie what I found! If you are a fan of live concert recordings from back in the day, I hereby direct you to the Concert Vault of the legendary "King Biscuit Flower Hour" (I always thought it was "Flour"!), which was a nationally-syndicated radio show that used to air here on the old KY-102 every Sunday night and featured great live recordings from just about every major band.  KBFH has put some of those shows out on CD over the years (I have Billy Squier, John Entwistle, The Romantics and Foghat in my collection, for instance), and now they have archived nearly 400 concerts from the '60s through the '90s that you can listen to online.  It doesn't cost a thing—you just have to register and log in—and they continue to add more shows to the archive, plus downloads will apparently be available (for a fee) soon.

In many cases, these aren't merely the 60-minute over-the-air broadcasts, but FULL-length concerts that are available here, so there's tons of stuff to enjoy that was never aired (all uncensored too).  There's some incredible vintage stuff, too—like two very early Who shows from the Fillmore West in 1968 and '69, plus some early Led Zeppelin from that same era, as well as some prehistoric Jefferson Airplane shows from 1966.  I found several shows I remember listening to and taping off the radio way back when, like Kiss from early 1984 during the misbegotten Vinnie Vincent era, and a really good one of Ozzy Osbourne with the late Randy Rhoads on guitar from '81.  You will also find some very early Stevie Ray Vaughan from one of his first tours, and a very interesting early Elton John gig that was recorded just five days before the show he did that would become his first official live album, 11-17-70 (or 17-11-70 to our friends on the other side of the big pond).  I even found a 1985 Roger Daltrey concert I wasn't even aware existed.

Some of the older recordings from the '60s are a bit iffy in places, with a fair amount of snap, crackle and pop, but overall the sound quality is quite good on most of these recordings.  I feel like I have a new toy to play with here...

Bless the Biscuit!

Mark St. John, 1956-2007

I was very saddened to learn of the death of former Kiss guitarist Mark St. John on Thursday of a cerebral hemorrhage.  Mark had the proverbial "cup of coffee" with the band, playing on only one album (1984's Animalize).  I always thought of him as sort of the George Lazenby of Rock 'N' Roll (that's the actor who played James Bond in just one .007 film, in between Sean Connery and Roger Moore).

I'd like to point out here that I just wrote more about Mark's death above than Kiss did on their very own super-duper official website—they could only manage two predictable and very bland sentences. Way to go, Gene and Paul...

St. John (nee Norton) replaced Vinnie Vincent after the 1983-84 Lick It Up tour, and had problems almost from the get-go.  Apparently he clashed with Simmons and Stanley in musical terms, and then he came down with the rare medical condition Reiter's Syndrome which caused his wrists to swell up and limited his ability to play guitar.  The band brought in Bruce Kulick to fill in for him on tour on an interim basis, but St. John was only able to perform at three shows (and only completed one of those) before Kulick was made a permanent member of the band.  It's hard to gauge how good a guitar player Mark really was since his tenure with the band was so brief—he was no Ace Frehley, but then again he was light years better than Vinnie Vincent—and he sure didn't suck on Animalize, either.  You certainly hear more of him on that album than Gene Simmons, who too busy off in La La Land making movies to give a rat's spleen about making records at that time (Paul Stanley and Jean Beauvior of the Plasmatics played most of his bass parts).  I've read more than one account where Simmons basically fucked St. John over after he left the band too, refusing to help pay for his medical bills and such.  You're a real peach, Gene...I don't suppose you could at least spare Mark one of your Kiss caskets now, could you?

Mark St. John was one of two members of Kiss who never wore their trademark make-up (his replacement Bruce Kulick being the other), and ironically he wound up working with drummer Peter Criss in another band in the '90s.  Beyond that, I really don't know all that much about him—a case of "we hardly knew ya" in Rock 'N' Roll, you might say.

Rest in peace, Mark.

It's Easter Eve--Lay (or break) An Egg!

THE HOUSE IS ROCKIN' (AGAIN!)
I decided after nearly 25 years, it was time to upgrade my stereo system, so I bought a new amplifier and some new speakers this weekend.  Believe it or not, all these years I've been using a 1979 Technics amplifier that I bought from my good friend Tom in 1984, and it STILL works!  But my 1991 Technics speakers were starting to sound pretty ratty, and I decided to replace them and the amp for around $250, so I headed for Best Buy armed with my $100 gift card that I got for Xmas, so thank you, Tom, for the free speakers! T he bass is a lot punchier now on this new rascal too, and it sounds so sweet! It's only Rock 'N' Roll...

A WRONG HAS BEEN RIGHTED...
Speaking of Rock 'N' Roll, I picked up the new remastered ZZ Top CDs Tres Hombres and Fandango! and they sound awesome in their original splendor.  You see, ZZT pissed me off when they put their older stuff out on CD back in the '80s by remixing their songs and fucking them up big-time.  You can hear the difference on the radio now and then on "Tush" and "La Grange" when they play these crappy remixes—there's more echo, the drums are fatter—and in some cases, they even added new vocals and guitar licks to these old recordings, which is pure heresy, in my humble opinion.  I hate it when bands fuck with the integrity of their own music—Kiss did the same thing on Smashes, Thrashes & Hits by screwing with the original tracks and having Eric Carr singing "Beth", etc.  Those '80s ZZ Top CD releases of their '70s stuff should have been labeled "remix" to warn the buyer, but common sense has prevailed and they've re-issued these two LPs as they were originally recorded—it's nice to hear tracks like "Mexican Blackbird", "Move Me On Down The Line", et al, on CD as they should sound!  Hopefully, they will follow suit and issue Tejas, Rio Grande Mud and First Album properly on CD as well.

YOU WANTED THE FACELIFT, YOU GOT THE FACELIFT
Wow, Gene, did you get a tummy tuck and boob job too?  Should we now call you "Genie" Simmons? And to think I used to idolize this man!  Gene now makes Joe Jackson look like Richard Gere in comparison, but that being said, he’s still a damn sight prettier than Joan Rivers (and her ugly-ass daughter)!

Speaking of Joe Jackson, I still find myself repeating Gallagher’s burning question from back in the ‘80s: "Does he HAVE to be in his videos?"


OKAY, EXPLAIN THIS GLOBAL WARMING THING TO ME AGAIN, MR. GORE…
They were snowed out in Cleveland last night and today, the Detroit Tigers game was colded-out the other day, we had a record low temp. here last night, and it's colder than a well-digger’s butt outside right now.  Oh, need I remind everyone that it’s now early April?!?  Feels like friggin’ February to me…

B.F.D., MR. K!
I’m having a little trouble understanding all the hysteria surrounding Boston Red Sox pitcher "Dice K" or "Special K" or whatever they call him.  Why are there like eleventy million Japanese journalists following him around hanging on his every word?  The Royals had to issue more press credentials for Thursday’s game than they did for the 1985 World Series, but I don’t see what the big deal is.  Yes, he seems to be a pretty decent pitcher, but it’s not like this is a new phenomenon—there have been other pretty decent pitchers from the Far East, like Hideki Erabu (sp?), Hideo Homo and Bung-hole Kim (or whatever his name is), et al. This som-bitch surely ain’t worth no $100 million, or whatever Boston shelled out for him, and I hope Sox fans don’t mind paying through the nose for tickets for the next 50 years to pay for this goober…

Just as an aside, when I was a little kid, I thought Japanese people were called "Japanesians"! I just assumed that all nationalities ended in "ians"...

Separated at birth?

Is it just me, or does the sausage on the far left not bear a striking resemblance to this guy?

More stuff

DARRYL STINGLEY, 1951-2007
Former New England Patriots player Darryl Stingley died today at age 55.  He was a rising young star at wide receiver and was tragically paralyzed during a preseason game in 1978 in Oakland when he was hit by Jack Tatum of the Raiders and remained a quadriplegic the rest of his life.  One of the coolest moments you’ll ever see at a sporting event happened during a "Monday Night Football" game between the Patriots and Steelers in Foxboro in 1979 when Stingley made his first public appearance after the accident.  When the public address announcer acknowledged him, the entire crowd plus both teams turned to face him sitting up in the press box and gave him a long ovation in a beautiful outpouring of support.  It was a very touching scene, and even Howard Cosell seemed moved by it all.  R.I.P, Darryl.

EDDIE ROBINSON, 1919-2007
Longtime Grambling State football coaching legend Eddie Robinson also died this week.  I remember back when I was about seven or eight, they used to replay the Grambling games on TV every Sunday morning before the NFL games came on, condensing the game broadcast from the previous day down to an hour, so I became very familiar with his work at an early age.  He also coached one of my favorite Chiefs players of all-time, the late Buck Buchanan.  The man coached for 57 years, won 408 games, and ran a clean program, to boot.  A class act, indeed. R.I.P., Coach Rob.

ON THE OTHER HAND...
One coach who is NOT a class act is Bob Huggins, who is bolting the Kansas State basketball team for West Virgina—oops, Virginia—after just one season in the "Little Apple".  While I don't care all that much for K-State, I think this stinks for them, after all the momentum they'd built up this season under Huggins.  He has a checkered past, but I was giving him the benefit of the doubt before this because it was good to see this program be competitive in the Big 12 again, but now I see him for the horse's ass he really is—I don't care if WVU is his alma mater, either.  Same goes for these other nomadic coaching mercenaries who keep hopping from school to school for more money.  Don't these guys have contracts to honor?

UNFATHOMABLE!
I astounded myself today by actually making it all the way to the end of a column written by conservative pundit Jonah Goldberg in the newspaper, and even more amazingly, I actually agreed with it!  I think I may have a hormonal imbalance or something, because I normally can’t stand this putz.  Believe it or not, I actually do read conservative columnists on a regular basis, like Kathleen Parker, Charles Krauthammer and George Will, and I at least TRY to listen to what the right-wingers have to say, even though I still disagree with a lot of it—now how’s that for fair and balanced?

In Goldberg’s case, I usually wind up tuning him out about three paragraphs into his columns, but I went the distance for the first time ever in his column about windbag Rosie O’Donnell’s idiotic comments about Iran, 9/11, et al, on "The View" last week.  I thought that vapid show was supposed to cater to the Martha Stewart crowd anyway—since when did it suddenly morph into "Face The Nation"?  Please don’t misunderstand me—I’m not trying to sound sexist and say that a woman’s opinion doesn’t matter, or that she shouldn’t be outspoken.  My issue here lies more with credibility, and to me, Rosie has very little in the political realm.  To me, her wacked-out comments were almost as asinine, in their own way, as those of the very wrong Revs. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson in the aftermath of 9/11, claiming that we (as a country) had it coming to us because of all "the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians, the ACLU," et al "trying to secularize America".

And what is Rosie, anyway?  A mediocre stand-up comedian/actress and former daytime talk show host whose main claim to fame is merely being a lightning rod for controversy.  Rosie is to politics what the proverbial armchair quarterback is to football.  She has opinions, just as I do, but that hardly makes either of us political experts.  And not unlike her polar opposite Ann Coulter, she’ll say outrageous crap like this because she’s so desperate to keep her name in the papers.  So, like I said to Ann a while back, put a sock in it, Rosie!

Now, if and when I ever make it all the way through one of that wing-nut Michelle Malkin’s columns, then you’ll know for sure that I’ve gone over to the Dark Side!

AND KATRINA WENT TO NUMBER 1…
Will these stupid countdown shows ever stop?  Now even The Weather Channel is getting in on the act with their upcoming "Top 100 Weather Moments".  I’m growing really weary of this genre of TV show, with the likes of "Top 100 Celebrity Oops", "Top 100 Botched Celebrity Boob Jobs" (Jenny Jones was #1 there, I think), etc., which I like to call "Drive-by TV".  These travesties are nothing more than cheaply-produced collections of video clips and snarky commentary from the same ten hack comedian wanna-be’s and/or D-list celebrities making inane remarks throughout these pointless countdowns, and they’re basically just an excuse to recycle old video footage and re-hash old controversies, etc.  And a weather countdown?  What are they going to rate, which tornado was everyone’s favorite?  Which ice storm caused the longest power outages?  Between this crap and their fear-mongering doomsday programs like "It Could Happen Tomorrow" and "Storm Stories", I long for the simpler times not so long ago when TWC just did the weather 24/7 and I would lust after my favorite weather girl Kristina Abernathy on the days when she wore short skirts...

Let it rain!

Time to praise what is probably the finest Rock band Kansas City has ever produced, The Rainmakers.  They were all excellent musicians and this band was blessed a brilliant songwriter, plus they were an outstanding live act, to boot.  They started off as the trio Steve, Bob & Rich (Steve Phillips—lead guitar; Bob Walkenhorst—vocals and snare drum; Rich Ruth—bass), but when they signed with Mercury Records in the mid-'80s, they added drummer Pat Tomek (that's him wearing the specs in this photo, along with Steve, Bob and Rich, left to right, naturally), and frontman Walkenhorst switched to rhythm guitar.

I often compare this band to R.E.M. because these guys SHOULD have been every bit as big as R.E.M. is, and they appealed to more or less the same audience as R.E.M. does.  Sadly, Mercury/Polygram failed to support this band at all, thus they never attained the heights that their Georgia rivals did, despite that fact that The Rainmakers would blow R.E.M. off ANY stage, and Bob Walkenhorst is a far more prolific songwriter than the overly-serious Michael Stipe.  BW's writing style is steeped more in humor, yet with a social conscience, all the same, and these guys were a bit edgier than the rather wimpy band that was recently inducted into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame.  Sorry to break this to you, R.E.M. fans—Da Rainmakers are a helluva lot more fun to listen to!

Their most famous song is arguably "Let My People Go-Go", off their first album in 1986, which even garnered some airplay on MTV back in the day, as did "Downstream" from the same LP.  Trust me, there's much much more to this band, and here's just a brief sampling of Bob Walkenhorst's witty and insightful lyrics:

—"If heaven is guilt, no sex and no show, then I'm not sure that I really wanna go..." (from "The Wages Of Sin")
—"You can still see the ghosts, but you can't see the sense--why they let the monkey go, and blamed the monkey wrench..." (from "Rockin' At The T-Dance")
—"...and if you've ever seen that L.A. scene, man, you know it ain't no Jan & Dean..." (from "Snakedance")
—"...we make love to people that we don't even like..." (from "Small Circles")
—"Well, we picked up Harry Truman floatin' down from Independence...we said 'What about The Bomb--are you sorry that you did it?'...he said, 'pass me that bottle and mind yer own bidness..." (from "Downstream")

And my personal favorite:—"The generation that would change the world is still looking for its car keys..." (from "Drinkin' On The Job")

One little oddity about this band was/is their popularity in Scandinavia, of all places.  There was a time during the '90s when my good friend The Swedish Chef had easier access to Rainmakers CDs than yours truly did right here in the ol' heartland!  Their live CD Oslo-Wichita was partially recorded in the capital of Norway, too.

My top five Rainmakers tunes:
1) "Big Fat Blonde" (1986)  It's sexist as all get-out, but I love it, anyway!
2) "Tornado of Love" (1987)  I haven't been in one of these in about eight years, but I'm itching to do it again...
3) "Rockin' At The T-Dance" (1986)  Thinly-veiled tune about the 1981 K.C. Hyatt Hotel skywalks tragedy.
4) "Reckoning Day" (1989)  All-purpose rant song about most anything that chafes your hiney...
5) "Snakedance" (1987)  "Show these folks a good time," indeed!


Long live Steve, Bob & Rich (& Pat), and screw R.E.M.!

It's Salisbury Steak day!

Well, surely it is at SOME elementary school out there, one would think...

SO FUNNY I FORGOT TO LAUGH
Your Vice-President poked fun at Dubya’s relationship with the White House press corps last week. "Funny Man Dick" said, "The president is really sorry he couldn’t be here tonight, but he had other obligations…his book club is meeting." [Place rim shot here] Don’t quit your day job, Dickie—I have no doubt that just like Swingin' Steven Hauk in Good Morning, Vietnam, you have avowed, "In my heart, I know I'm funny," but trust me, Dick, I know funny, and you ain't it!  On second thought, please DO quit your day job—we’d all be a lot better off for it.

And come to think of it, that book club story might be true—it took him five and a half years, but ol’ Dubya finally finished reading that book about the goat…

MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE—YOU’RE BLACK!
Speaking of your President, Dubya was bitching up a storm yesterday over House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Syria, calling it a "photo-op".  That may or may not be true, but you sure are one to talk, Mr. "Heckuva job, Brownie"…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #23
"Roxanne"—THE POLICE (1979) "You don’t have to put on the red light."  Another co-worker submission here—apparently her young son thought Sting was saying "You don’t have to stop at the red light."  Yes, kid, I’m afraid you do…

EBERT AND SIR RANT-A-LOT?
It was movie night at the ol' homestead here last night, and it wound up being a decent double-feature.  First off, I watched The Holiday starring Cameron Diaz and my girl Kate Winslet.  Not too bad for a chick flick, although the story was pretty implausible and I didn’t enjoy the storyline surrounding Diaz’s character half as much as Winslet’s.  For some reason, I have trouble getting into Cameron Diaz, even though she has gorgeous blue eyes—I know she’s everyone’s favorite movie hottie and all, but skinny blondes like her just don’t turn me on (apart from Renee Zellweger, that is, and even then, I like her better at her Bridget Jones size).  On the other hand, Kate Winslet is more my type, although I MUCH prefer her as a redhead.  Getting back to the film itself, I thought Jack Black was quite good here, playing a Chandler Bing-like character.  And thanks to this film, I now finally know what actor Eli Wallach looks like after years of him being nothing more than a crossword puzzle answer to me!

Part two of my double feature was Rocky Balboa, and I have to say the rumors are true—this was actually a good movie!  If you like the Rocky film series at all, you’ll love this one.  True, Rocky V sucked (anything involving that mongoloid Tommy Morrison is doomed to suck), and I had my doubts going into this one too, but Sly Stallone managed to get it right this time.  All the Rocky detractors out there tend to forget that the scope of these films goes well beyond just boxing, and there’s more depth to the characters than Stallone is given credit for.  In the commentary on the DVD for the first movie, Talia Shire called Rocky and Adrian "these two discarded people" who found each other, and their story was still pretty interesting even if you took out the whole boxing aspect of it.  That’s what I liked about the new one—the story arc brought everything full circle and/or provided a fair sense of closure, with Rocky still grieving over Adrian’s death and dealing with the prospect of aging—rendering the fight scene almost irrelevant to me.  Two things I could have done without, though:  A) the guy who played Rocky’s son—he looks too much like Ben Affleck and not enough like the two other kids who played him in Rocky IV and V, and B) Jim Lampley—I’ve always hated that arrogant jagoff ever since he was a sideline reporter on ABC’s college football games back in the ‘70s.  One other thing:  Just once, wouldn't you have loved to see Rocky slam Paulie's nuts in a car door?  Anywhooo, this was not a bad flick at all, and a nice way for the Italian Stallion to officially "retire".

MY THOUGHTS ON THE KEITH RICHARDS THING...
...where he claims to have snorted his father's cremated ashes along with a little Cocaine. Didn't Keef hit his head really hard falling out of a tree not so long ago?  I think the boy is bullshitting us on this myself, but what still baffles me is why on earth he wears that fishing tackle in his hair.  Dare I say it again—drugs are bad, mmm-kay?

"Gimme that chomp-chomp..."

The late Danny Joe Brown and Molly Hatchet nailed it on their first album almost 30 years ago, because this is indeed "Gator Country", as Florida has once again won the NCAA Basketball Championship.  They seem to have Ohio State's number in both round ball and football champeenships lately, too.  I kept thinking Florida would falter somewhere in this tournament, but they never did, and they even made a little history by winning the title two straight years with the same starting five—that's never been done before.  It's hard to repeat in any sport, but especially in college basketball, so I have to give it up to Florida.

Memo to CBS' Billy Packer:  Florida's coach's last name is pronounced DON-ovan, not DUN-ovan, you yutz!

My "Field of Dreams"

Being as it's Opening Day and all, I think it's appropriate to honor the first Big League stadium I ever set foot in, Kansas City's Municipal Stadium.  It was hardly the prettiest ballpark in the world, and not as fondly remembered as legends like Sportsman's Park, Ebbets Field or even old Comiskey Park in Chicago, but it was very cool in my young eyes.  I was five years old when my folks took me to my first Royals game at this oversized Erector Set, and I fell in love with the place immediately.  If ol' Doc Brown ever does perfect that Flux Capacitor thing, the first place I'm going to time-travel back to is Municipal Stadium.  Ebbets Field might be my second stop...

Municipal began life as a Depression-era park called Muehlebach Field, and was home to several Minor League teams, as well as the legendary K.C. Monarchs of the Negro Leagues.  It was a single-deck structure for over 30 years until the Philadelphia A's moved to Kansas City in 1955, necessitating the addition of the upper deck, which was built in an astounding nine months over the Fall and Winter of '54-'55.  The A's called Municipal home for 13 miserable seasons before bolting to Oakland in 1968, and the expansion Royals played four seasons there before moving to their current palace at the Truman Sports Complex.

The main scoreboard was unique in a couple ways.  First off, it was transplanted to K.C. from Boston's old Braves Field after the Braves moved to Milwaukee, and it listed the strikes ahead of the balls, for some reason.  The houses across Brooklyn Avenue to the right of the scoreboard were often targets of home run balls too.  I would love to have seen one of those Home Run Derbys held there and all the broken windows it would have yielded.  I always loved those "toothbrush-style" light towers too.

The stadium was also home to the Chiefs during their original glory years from '63 to '71, although I never got to see a Chiefs game there in person.  The Beatles also played there in September, 1964 when I was all of three months old.

One of my most vivid memories of Municipal Stadium was the parking (or lack thereof).  There were only a handful of "official" parking lots surrounding the park, so there were numerous enterprising homeowners in the area who would charge a buck and allow you to park in their front yard, which is what we often did.  Unlike in that same neighborhood today, you didn't have to worry about the condition of your vehicle when you returned to it back then, as the people would actually keep an eye on your car during the game.

Some other things I recall about the old stadium include the narrow concrete ramps that led to the upper deck seating area that were suspended over the lower level seating bowl.  Wrigley Field and Detroit's Tiger Stadium have/had similar set-ups, too, and you kinda felt like you were "walking the plank", even though the ramps were lined with chain-link fences on either side.  I also remember the intricate checkerboard patterns that groundskeeper George Toma would put in the grass—they don't call this guy the "Marquis de Sod" for nothing!  And I remember the P.A. announcer, the late Jack Layton, and his distinctive booming baritone voice every time he'd announce "A-mos O-tis" or "Loooouuu Piniella" coming to bat.  Another cool feature of Municipal Stadium was at the end of each game, they allowed fans to walk on the warning track down the third base line toward an open gate in the left field wall to exit the park.

Unfortunately, Municipal Stadium had a short shelf life in the Major Leagues, and it closed after the '72 season when the team moved to Royals (now Kauffman) Stadium.  Municipal sat vacant for four years before being demolished in 1976.  In a rare moment of larceny, my old man and I snuck into the park one Saturday morning in the Spring of '76 just after demolition began and extricated three grandstand seats from the third base side and brought them home.  Unfortunately, for reasons unknown to me to this day, Mom wouldn't allow them in the house, so they sat outside under a tree in the back yard for 30 years and rotted. I'm kicking myself now for not preserving them.

As much as I love Kauffman and Arrowhead Stadiums (two of the coolest man-made things on earth this side of the Gateway Arch, Mount Rushmore and the Golden Gate Bridge), I would give my left nut for just one more visit to the ol' ballpark at 22nd & Brooklyn—it was my personal "Field of Dreams".

Let us pray...

"Dear Lord...May our bats be swift, and may our balls be plentiful."—Jimmy Dugan, A League of Our Own

Well, in the case of the Kansas City Royals, the bats and balls were swift and plentiful today at their home opener, a 7-1 win over the Boston Red Sox.  I almost didn't recognize that team in the white uniforms today—they were fundamentally sound, they had clutch hitting, and had a starting pitcher that got into the 8th inning!  Meanwhile, Curt Schilling of the Red Sox didn't even make it into the 5th inning, and K.C. went deep into their bullpen.  Nice to see a packed house at Kauffman Stadium, and it appeared to be quite festive there.  The Royals should have REO Speedwagon sing the National Anthem more often, too...

Opening day is always special, and I'm happy to see baseball games that count again.  I enjoyed watching the Cardinals home opener on ESPN last night (although the result sucked).  John Miller and Joe Morgan are becoming a bit of an institution on Sunday nights, and I particuarly enjoy Miller's easy delivery style.  Speaking of play-by-play men, I want to acknowledge the passing of Minnesota Twins voice Herb Carneal, who died yesterday at age 83.  I never got to listen to him much, so I'm not terribly familiar with his work, but from everything I've ever heard, Carneal is the Jack Buck/Ernie Harwell/Vin Scully/Denny Matthews of the Upper Midwest, and they love him in the Twins Cities.  Very sad he passed away on the eve of the season, too. R.I.P. Herb...

On the positive side, I'm shooting for my second straight Fantasy Baseball title this year, as Holland's Wallbangers were the champs in '06.  This year's team is simply called The Who, as the Yahoo league I'm in has a Rock band theme—I'll be taking on the likes of Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Kiss, which was already taken.  And of course, the one standing rule for my fantasy teams still applies:  NO YANKEES ALLOWED!

As for the real players, I look forward to a good year from the Cubs, a better year from the Royals and Barry Bonds to suffer a career-ending suspension and/or injury while stuck on home run #754.

If I may paraphrase Mr. Cub himself, Ernie Banks: "Let's play 162!"