Time for my 2nd-annual review of those who offended yours truly during the past year. One change I've made this time is eliminating the countdown format, since ranking assholes is rather pointless—sorta like comparing a toilet full of turds—thus I'm merely listing them in no particular order and splitting them up into two posts. Those of you who are easily offended should exercise reader discretion—I take no prisoners!
Jason Whitlock (K.C. Star sports columnist) The Flatulent One makes the list again this year for numerous reasons, the most glaring one being his claim that he is not political and doesn’t exercise his hard-earned right to vote, therefore he calls himself "a nonvoting, casual observer." Yet he constantly pisses and moans about all the injustice directed at young black people in this country. Until you get off your fat ass and vote, Jason, you have no right to bitch about anything.
The Texas polygamists Slavery, incest, child molestation and sodomy all in the name of religion. What a country!
Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Barack Obama’s former pastor) Ah yes, the man who claimed that the U.S. invented AIDS to wipe out black people—never mind all those gay white folks who die of it, right, Rev? I thought men of the cloth were supposed to healers, not race-baiters. As much as I like Obama, his connection to Wright is a constant reminder to me that he’s not above reproach. Meantime, damn Wright’s ass to hell…
Billy Mays (annoying TV pitchman) One thing that will get you nowhere when trying to sell me something is screaming and hollering at me. Click!
Pat Boone (hack has-been entertainer) Tried to draw a direct connection between the Mumbai terrorist attacks and California Proposition 8 protesters. Typical conservative Christian pinhead behavior—blame the gays for everything evil.
John Edwards (former Democratic Presidential candidate) While on his own campaign trail, this wuss got caught thinking with his dick and cheated on his wife, who is fighting breast cancer. In the words of Daffy Duck, “You’re despicable!”
Eliot Spitzer (former New York governor) “Client #9” is another politician who let the little head do the thinking. What’s baffling about his situation is the prostitute he did the dirty deed with was light years uglier than his trophy wife babe.
Rod Blagojevich, (Illinois governor) Mr. Jagovevich is like a political Mark Cuban who thinks he’s above the law, and he’s left behind a trail of shit that would stretch from sea to shining sea.
O.J. Simpson (unconvicted double murderer) Another holdover from last year’s list. Everyone sing along with me now, “You’re in the jail house now…”
Nancy Grace (objectionable CNN legal commentator) CNN tries to paint this helmet-haired twit as being passionate about seeking justice, when in fact she’s nothing but a sensationalistic ratings whore.
Oil industry Sure, gas prices are back to 2003 levels now, but that doesn’t excuse the exorbitant $4.00+ a gallon crap they were sticking it to us with just four months ago. Cry me a freakin’ river when they go bankrupt.
Anyone on those annoying FreeCreditReport.com TV ads As long as this bogus outfit keeps calling their service “free” when we know damn well it ain’t free, I will continue to rip on them. That smiling bozo singing like Weird Al Yankovic on these dumbass commercials needs to have his nuts slammed in a car door. Twice.
Amy Winehouse (overrated tattooed singer) If this skank had even an ounce of talent, then she might be worth all the fuss she causes. She’s the Janis Joplin of this generation, and will probably be dead within a year.
Kid Rock (no-talent bozo in a hat) Apparently has issues with people in Waffle Houses now. He’s nothing but white-trash noise to me.
Dr. Phil (hack TV psychologist) I used to admire this man’s work, but Ol’ Doc Boy lost what little credibility he had left with me when he tried to intervene on Britney Spears’ behalf earlier this year, yet claimed that publicity (and inherent ancillary TV ratings) for him was not his motivation. In Dr. Phil’s own words, “Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…” How’s that workin’ for ya, Doc?
Brett Favre (New York Jets quarterback) Up until he announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, I had the utmost respect for this future Hall of Famer, but he has soured his legacy in my eyes with his passive-aggressive Drama Queen act by un-retiring and joining the Jets. While he exceeded my expectations on the field in New Yawk, I’ve grown real tired of his whiny “woe is me” attitude about how the media treats him. You shoulda quit while you were ahead, Brett.
Tom Cruise (overpaid Scientology shill) No particular reason why he made the list, really. He made it just for being Tom Cruise.
Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson (Cincinnati Bengals wideout/media distraction) The Bungholes should’ve traded this clown to Ringling Bros. and gotten a couple of bearded ladies in return—they’d have been more productive than Ocho Stinko was this season. At least when Shannon Sharpe bragged about how great he was, he backed it up.
Jim Cramer (CNBC blowhard financial “expert”) Speaking of clowns, here’s one who inexplicably escaped from the Ringling Bros. compound. I’d sooner seek financial advice from Mr. Keebler.
Roger Clemens (steroid hop-head/former Major League pitcher) Openly whined that Congress was mean to him during his steroid hearings, thus ruining his reputation. He who liveth by the sword (or needle, in his case), shall be stucketh…
Larry Johnson (Kansas City Chiefs running back) Spent more time in court than most judges this season and very little of it on the field for the Chefs because of his various off-field FUBARs. Apparently has difficulty holding his liquor, seeing’s how he either spits it or throws it at various females in nightclubs. Is now openly campaigning to be traded, and I’ll be delighted when the Chefs take him up on it.
Hank Steinbrenner (New York Yankees president) “The Boss”’s son took over the family business and is even more infinitely annoying than his old man with all his bitching and whining about all the injustices the poor Bronx Bummers have had thrown at them, like having to play Interleague games and getting one of their pitchers hurt while running the bases. Same pitcher could’ve just as easily suffered the same injury covering a routine double play at first base in a regular American League game.
Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska/former Vice-Presidential candidate) My distaste for that wacky maverick Ms. Winky-Dink is well-documented over the past four months on this blog, so no need in re-hashing it. $150,000 for clothes and make-up? Yeah, that’s real conservative. I still have visions of Sarah Palin appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” or co-hosting “The View” in 2009.
Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys wide receiver) You knew it was just a matter of time before this jagoff reverted back to his old form of being a locker room cancer. It couldn’t happen to a nicer team, either.
Manny Ramirez (former Boston Red Sox/L.A. Dodgers leftfielder) Another clubhouse cancer, this whiny dreadlocked bitch simply quit on his team so he could take his toys and go play somewhere else.
Soulless corporate radio station executives everywhere For letting this once-proud medium de-evolve into a bland one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter landscape. True, listeners have more options than ever with satellite radio, iPods, Internet, et al, but that’s all the more reason for terrestrial radio stations to strive to be different instead of so staggeringly boring!
John Gibson (Fox News radio yakker) This is the tick turd who made fun of actor Heath Ledger’s passing in January by constantly mimicking the line “I can’t quit you” from Brokeback Mountain. No class.
More names to come soon in a future post...
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Someday soon we'll stop to ponder...
...more deep thoughts like these that I fished out of the archives that were previously sent to me:
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened…small stain
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into engines
- Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
- Support bacteria—they’re the only culture some people have
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
- 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise a hand
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
- If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
- I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- And whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn’t it scary that doctors call what the do "practice"?
- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
- What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
- Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
- Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If a mime is arrested to they tell him has the right to talk?
- Why do they put Braille on drive-thru ATMs?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do...
Sorry for the relative silence this week, but with all the Christmas hubbub and such, I haven't had the time or the creative spark to do much writing this week, so let's see if I can get back in the swing of things...
I AM NO LONGER IN GOOD HANDS...THANK GOODNESS!
I found out this week that it pays to shop around a little when it comes to homeowner's and car insurance. I'm just a tad bewildered at how much I've been overpaying Allstate these last couple years, as it turns out that Farmers Insurance is offering me slightly better coverage on my house for less than half—I repeat—half of what I was paying Allstate, and about 2/3 of what I was paying for full coverage on my car.
I've been disgruntled with Allstate lately anyway, especially after some "good hands guy" called me at my workplace a couple weeks ago to remind me that my homeowner's insurance was up for renewal, and did I have concerns or questions about my policy? Well, uh, gee, if I did have any concerns, don't you think I would have called my agent about them? Come to think of it, why isn't my agent calling me instead of some schmuck from out of town reading off a script? Hell, I've never even actually met my current insurance agent before! That's Allstate's stand for ya...
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...
...there's never a dull moment when it comes to Kansas City weather. Last weekend (when it was still officially Fall), we experienced single-digit overnight lows and sub-zero wind chills here. Yesterday, we reached the mid-60s and it was muckin'-fuggy as all get-out. Overnight, we were in a Tornado Watch, and I awoke to 60 MPH winds at 5:00 in the blessed AM, followed by torrential rains. About four hours ago, it started snowing. As I type now at 10:20PM, the stars are out and all is calm. Hell, tomorrow it'll probably be 95 and humid...
"I THINK PAT BOONE IS A MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS"—A. CRONAUER
With all apologies to Robin Williams' character in Good Morning, Vietnam, I beg to differ. Singer/Super Christian has-been Pat Boone was quoted last week, saying that there’s “a real, unbroken line between the Mumbai terrorists and pro-gay marriage Prop 8 protesters.” It never ceases to amaze me how so-called "Christians" like this toupee-wearing hack are so hateful, intolerant and strident in their beliefs that they'll go out of their way to blame gay people for every evil known to man, no matter how outrageous their claims might be. Every time I hear Boone's old records where he butchered up classics like "Tutti-Frutti" and "Ain't That A Shame", I throw up in my mouth a little. What a tool...
"FAIR AND BALANCED" PERSONIFIED
Just to show you what a consistent critic I am, I'm taking the same dim view of Caroline Kennedy's potential ascendency to the U.S. Senate that I took of Sarah Palin's potential ascendency to the Vice-Presidency. In both cases, it would be like having a quadriplegic teaching Phys. Ed. class...
TINA FEY? MEH!
Did ya see where Tina Fey was named Entertainer Of The Year by the Ass-ociated Press? Just because she imitated Sarah Palin? The degree of difficulty in doing a Palin imitation is about that of mimicking Dickie Nixon or maybe John Wayne. Hell, put me in a wig, eye glasses and a skirt suit with some high heels, and gosh darnit, yours truly could probably nail Ms. Winky-Dink pretty good, too.
MARK TEIXEIRA? MEH!
$180 million for eight years to play for the Yankees? Nothing personal against MT (who I think is a pretty good ballplayer), but nobody's worth that kind of loot! Meantime, the Bronx Bummers still claim they need money from the state of New York to finish building their fancy new stadium—what's wrong with this picture? Mark my words, even with all these big-name free agent signings (Sabathia, Burnett, et al), the Yankees still won't make the playoffs in 2009. And if the Red Sox and Tampa Bay finish ahead of them again, I will laugh—hysterically!
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
You think those erectile dysfunction commercials are bad? Did you ever think you'd see the day when they'd be advertising K-Y Jelly on TV? During the day when kids are watching, no less!
HE AIN'T NO SISKEL OR EBERT...
Check out this little item I found on the IMDB.com message boards regarding the classic film A League Of Their Own:
Movie review: 11/18/01 by sickcritik
“Oh my god, this film has to be the most boring film I have seen in a long time my friend. The untalented Geena Davis, huge and ugly Rosie O’Donnell are starring (in) this one of a kind bad film about chicks baseball. Just imagine how this movie could have been great with actresses like Anna Nicole Smith, Julie Strain, Jenna Jameson and maybe Sandra Scream? At least Madonna and her great “rack” was there to entertained us a little bit. I was very sad not to see her nude once at least. Well, I’ll just go watch Truth Or Dare where she does masturbate on stage…"
Oh yes, Anna Nicole Smith—that vaunted thespian! Obviously, "sickcritik" is a graduate of the hallowed University of Hee-Haw Film Critic School! Somewhere out there, a village has been deprived of its idiot...
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #1
First of a new occasional series here, spotlighting those annoying omnipresent gambits you see in films and on the tube. I'll start you off with the one that takes place before nearly every boxing match featured in movies and TV shows (and not just in the Rocky flicks). The referee brings the fighters together and invariably says, "Okay, you both know the rules..." Duh—if they both know the rules, then why do they need to be reminded that they know the rules? Then, the ref proceeds to go over the rules anyway!!
BACK TO BACK TO THE FUTURE...
It occurred to me today that younger viewers who watch Back To The Future probably won't get the bit where Michael J. Fox says, "Give me a Pepsi Free," seeing's how Pepsi no longer makes that product. It also occurred to me that if they were to do the inevitable remake of BTTF (which you know is coming sooner or later), Kelsey Grammer would be perfect to play the role of Doc Brown. Or maybe John Lithgow. Natalie Portman would be a dandy replacement for Lea Thompson too. And perhaps David Hyde-Pierce in Crispin Glover's spot. Not sure yet who to cast as Marty McFly, tho...
ICE ICE, BABY!
As I type, I'm enjoying the new AC/DC album Black Ice, which a good friend of mine was kind enough to pirate for me—screw you, Walmart! I must say that I'm quite pleased with what I'm hearing—shades of the old AC/DC from back in the '80s. This one blows the doors off their last two studio releases, Stiff Upper Lip and Ballbreaker, and is easily their best album since 1991's The Razor's Edge.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #105
"Straight Outta Time"—JOHN HIATT (1994) "...and my love's still real." A little obscure for some, but I thought Big John was singing about some sort of "love stereo".
MAKING A STATEMENT
This photo accurately depicts my opinion of Tina Fey being named Entertainer of The Year, not to mention Pat Boone, the Bush Administration, our current economy and a few other things...
I AM NO LONGER IN GOOD HANDS...THANK GOODNESS!
I found out this week that it pays to shop around a little when it comes to homeowner's and car insurance. I'm just a tad bewildered at how much I've been overpaying Allstate these last couple years, as it turns out that Farmers Insurance is offering me slightly better coverage on my house for less than half—I repeat—half of what I was paying Allstate, and about 2/3 of what I was paying for full coverage on my car.
I've been disgruntled with Allstate lately anyway, especially after some "good hands guy" called me at my workplace a couple weeks ago to remind me that my homeowner's insurance was up for renewal, and did I have concerns or questions about my policy? Well, uh, gee, if I did have any concerns, don't you think I would have called my agent about them? Come to think of it, why isn't my agent calling me instead of some schmuck from out of town reading off a script? Hell, I've never even actually met my current insurance agent before! That's Allstate's stand for ya...
I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...
...there's never a dull moment when it comes to Kansas City weather. Last weekend (when it was still officially Fall), we experienced single-digit overnight lows and sub-zero wind chills here. Yesterday, we reached the mid-60s and it was muckin'-fuggy as all get-out. Overnight, we were in a Tornado Watch, and I awoke to 60 MPH winds at 5:00 in the blessed AM, followed by torrential rains. About four hours ago, it started snowing. As I type now at 10:20PM, the stars are out and all is calm. Hell, tomorrow it'll probably be 95 and humid...
"I THINK PAT BOONE IS A MISUNDERSTOOD GENIUS"—A. CRONAUER
With all apologies to Robin Williams' character in Good Morning, Vietnam, I beg to differ. Singer/Super Christian has-been Pat Boone was quoted last week, saying that there’s “a real, unbroken line between the Mumbai terrorists and pro-gay marriage Prop 8 protesters.” It never ceases to amaze me how so-called "Christians" like this toupee-wearing hack are so hateful, intolerant and strident in their beliefs that they'll go out of their way to blame gay people for every evil known to man, no matter how outrageous their claims might be. Every time I hear Boone's old records where he butchered up classics like "Tutti-Frutti" and "Ain't That A Shame", I throw up in my mouth a little. What a tool...
"FAIR AND BALANCED" PERSONIFIED
Just to show you what a consistent critic I am, I'm taking the same dim view of Caroline Kennedy's potential ascendency to the U.S. Senate that I took of Sarah Palin's potential ascendency to the Vice-Presidency. In both cases, it would be like having a quadriplegic teaching Phys. Ed. class...
TINA FEY? MEH!
Did ya see where Tina Fey was named Entertainer Of The Year by the Ass-ociated Press? Just because she imitated Sarah Palin? The degree of difficulty in doing a Palin imitation is about that of mimicking Dickie Nixon or maybe John Wayne. Hell, put me in a wig, eye glasses and a skirt suit with some high heels, and gosh darnit, yours truly could probably nail Ms. Winky-Dink pretty good, too.
MARK TEIXEIRA? MEH!
$180 million for eight years to play for the Yankees? Nothing personal against MT (who I think is a pretty good ballplayer), but nobody's worth that kind of loot! Meantime, the Bronx Bummers still claim they need money from the state of New York to finish building their fancy new stadium—what's wrong with this picture? Mark my words, even with all these big-name free agent signings (Sabathia, Burnett, et al), the Yankees still won't make the playoffs in 2009. And if the Red Sox and Tampa Bay finish ahead of them again, I will laugh—hysterically!
SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
You think those erectile dysfunction commercials are bad? Did you ever think you'd see the day when they'd be advertising K-Y Jelly on TV? During the day when kids are watching, no less!
HE AIN'T NO SISKEL OR EBERT...
Check out this little item I found on the IMDB.com message boards regarding the classic film A League Of Their Own:
Movie review: 11/18/01 by sickcritik
“Oh my god, this film has to be the most boring film I have seen in a long time my friend. The untalented Geena Davis, huge and ugly Rosie O’Donnell are starring (in) this one of a kind bad film about chicks baseball. Just imagine how this movie could have been great with actresses like Anna Nicole Smith, Julie Strain, Jenna Jameson and maybe Sandra Scream? At least Madonna and her great “rack” was there to entertained us a little bit. I was very sad not to see her nude once at least. Well, I’ll just go watch Truth Or Dare where she does masturbate on stage…"
Oh yes, Anna Nicole Smith—that vaunted thespian! Obviously, "sickcritik" is a graduate of the hallowed University of Hee-Haw Film Critic School! Somewhere out there, a village has been deprived of its idiot...
CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #1
First of a new occasional series here, spotlighting those annoying omnipresent gambits you see in films and on the tube. I'll start you off with the one that takes place before nearly every boxing match featured in movies and TV shows (and not just in the Rocky flicks). The referee brings the fighters together and invariably says, "Okay, you both know the rules..." Duh—if they both know the rules, then why do they need to be reminded that they know the rules? Then, the ref proceeds to go over the rules anyway!!
BACK TO BACK TO THE FUTURE...
It occurred to me today that younger viewers who watch Back To The Future probably won't get the bit where Michael J. Fox says, "Give me a Pepsi Free," seeing's how Pepsi no longer makes that product. It also occurred to me that if they were to do the inevitable remake of BTTF (which you know is coming sooner or later), Kelsey Grammer would be perfect to play the role of Doc Brown. Or maybe John Lithgow. Natalie Portman would be a dandy replacement for Lea Thompson too. And perhaps David Hyde-Pierce in Crispin Glover's spot. Not sure yet who to cast as Marty McFly, tho...
ICE ICE, BABY!
As I type, I'm enjoying the new AC/DC album Black Ice, which a good friend of mine was kind enough to pirate for me—screw you, Walmart! I must say that I'm quite pleased with what I'm hearing—shades of the old AC/DC from back in the '80s. This one blows the doors off their last two studio releases, Stiff Upper Lip and Ballbreaker, and is easily their best album since 1991's The Razor's Edge.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #105
"Straight Outta Time"—JOHN HIATT (1994) "...and my love's still real." A little obscure for some, but I thought Big John was singing about some sort of "love stereo".
MAKING A STATEMENT
This photo accurately depicts my opinion of Tina Fey being named Entertainer of The Year, not to mention Pat Boone, the Bush Administration, our current economy and a few other things...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Classic Old-School Food Place #4
For no particular reason, I thought of the defunct restaurant chain Sambo's the other day, so just for shits and hoots, I decided to pay tribute to them. Founded in 1957 by Sam Battistone and Newell Bohnett, the chain took its name from the combination of its founders names, NOT from any sort of racial connotation, as was/is popularly believed. That didn't prevent protests and lawsuits in the late '70s from those who go out of their way to find racism at every turn, and Sambo's filed for bankruptcy in 1981.
I remember precious little about the quality of the food at Sambo's because there weren't all that many of them in Kansas City, and I only ate there once when I was about ten at a friend's birthday party. I don't think it sucked, though...
For the longest time, I mistakenly assumed that Sambo's was affiliated with Denny's because their logos and signage were so similar, they were "always open", plus the layout and gaudy decor of their restaurants were practically identical. It seems there's still one Sambo's still in operation—the original location in Santa Barbara, CA. Wish I'd known that before I went on my trip out there--I would've checked it out.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Show me "Sand the floor"...
I was rummaging through the archives some more and came across this little nostalgia piece, entitled "YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE ‘80s IF:"
-You owned/operated a “Trapper Keeper”
-You know what “Psych” means
-Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game to “reserve” your spot
-You know the profound meaning of “Wax on/Wax off”
-You can name at least half of the members of the elite “Brat Pack”
-You know who Tina Yothers is
-You wanted to be a Goonie
-You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your Jr. High computer lab
-You know who Max Headroom is
-You ever wore fluorescent (neon, if you will) clothing
-You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool
-You could breakdance, or wish you could
-Partying “like it’s 1999 seemed SO far away
-You wanted to be on “Star Search”
-You hold a special place in your heart for Back To The Future [Great Scott! Don’t we all?]
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth
-You HAD to have your MTV
-You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie [It is a good movie, I think!]
-You remember when Cosmo Kramer was on a show called “Fridays”
-You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince”
-You remember when Atari was a state of the art video game system
-You own(ed) any “cassette singles” [I did/do. CD singles too!]
-You ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf
-You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish
-You ever wore a Swatch watch
-You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny
In the meantime, I came up with just a few more additions to the list:
-You poked fun at Nina Blackwood’s hair [Someone buy that woman a hair brush, will ya!]
-You waited in line all night on Fridays at a record store to buy concert tickets first thing Saturday morning
-You remember what a record store actually was!
-You wanted your money back on the LaserDisc player you bought because there wasn’t much of a selection of discs to play in them
-You thought wearing replica Major League Baseball helmets made you look cool [Guilty as charged here!]
-You remember those little green Cyalume (sp?) glow-in-the-dark light sticks that people threw around at concerts
-You engaged in the VHS vs. Beta debate [Beta rules!]
-You remember when Lifetime was called the Cable Health Network and when SpikeTV was called The Nashville Network
-You thought Gene Simmons had a future in the movies
-You were in competition with other girls at the mall to see who had the tallest hair
-You remember when enclosed shopping malls actually thrived
-You filled up dozens of VHS tapes with individual music videos off MTV
-You remember when MTV aired nothing but music videos, 24/7, ESPN aired nothing but sports and CNN Headline News did 48 separate 30-minute newscasts every day [Whatever happened to Sasha Foo, btw?]
-You know who Rhonda Shear was
-You paid 50 cents a minute to call Jose Canseco’s 1-900 phone line thing
-Your computer screen was all-green
-You remember when there was no such thing as competitive poker on television
-You wasted money on “picture disc” LPs that sounded like shit
-You or someone you know played one of those “headless” guitars or basses
-Your local TV weather man stood in front of a magnetic U.S. map instead of computer-generated graphics
-You bought into any advice that Dr. Ruth Westheimer dished out on TV
-You remember the Ford Probe being described as the “car of the future”
-You actually bought into the (overrated) Flashdance fashion craze
-You thought of Reagan as a politician instead of an actor and Schwarzenegger as an actor instead of a politician
-You thought Dexy’s Midnight Runners were the “next big thing”
-You let the Moral Majority and/or the PTL Club do all your thinking for you
-You thought electronic drums were really neato!
-You videotaped every episode of your favorite TV shows (“M*A*S*H”, for instance) to keep, not knowing there would be such a thing as TV shows on DVDs in the future [Guilty as charged!]
-You would get so pissed-off when weather/news alerts would interrupt those shows you were taping!
-After catching the last ten seconds of a new video on MTV you’d been dying to see, you’d watch for hours on end until it was shown again
-You wore one of those doofy George Michael “Choose Life” shirts
-You assumed every woman dressed like Jane Fonda when they did aerobics
-You fell for Herbalife
-You believed that women would start shaving their heads to be fashionable after Star Trek-The Motion Picture came out
-You kept thinking the next Rolling Stones concert tour would be their last [Some things are eternal!]
-You remember when Album Rock stations still played new music
-You had to turn the dial on the converter box to channel-surf on cable instead of using a remote control
-You remember The Simpsons starting off on the “Tracey Ullman Show”
-You actually paid money to see Madonna’s movies, no matter how putrid they were (Who’s That Girl, for instance)
-You remember when local TV stations would go off the air at one in the morning
-You owned or utilized a Key-Tar
-You bought a Refrigerator Perry t-shirt [I plead insanity on that one!]
-You remember when “Friday Night Videos” replaced “Midnight Special” on NBC
-You had to own your favorite albums in every format that was available at the time (i.e., LP, 8-Track and cassette) [Guilty as charged!]
-You secretly hoped that just once, Madonna would twist out of that tube top she wore in the “Papa Don’t Preach” video
-You thought Vince McMahon was a legitimate sportscaster
-You remember when Michael Jackson was a good-looking black guy
-You remember when David Letterman was on NBC
-You took Geraldo Rivera seriously as a journalist
-You were underwhelmed when the “Who shot J.R.?” cliffhanger was revealed
-You bought into L. Ron Hubbard’s Dyanetics
-You thought Billy Squier might be the next Eddie Van Halen
-You planned your weekends around the Friday night soft-core porn offerings on Showtime and Cinemax
-You had trouble getting used to the “Los Angeles” Raiders
-You remember seeing Paul Stanley’s real hair during Kiss concerts
-You went “Huh?!?” when you heard Elton John married a woman
-You had an instant dislike for Alan Thicke and his late night talk show
-You can name at least four teams from the USFL
-You spanked your monkey just like Judge Reinhold did when thinking/dreaming of Phoebe Cates [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You owned a copy of the “Super Bowl Shuffle” videotape
-You really thought indoor soccer would become a major league sport in America on a par with the NBA and NHL [Sadly, it didn’t]
-You remember when Tom Hanks dressed as a woman on TV
-You wore an “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or ball cap [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You actually paid good money for a Garden Weasel or Pocket Fisherman from Ronco
-You remember when highway signs also had metric measurements on them
-You remember when most convenience stores didn’t sell gasoline
-You remember having to write a check out to cash to get money from the bank in the pre-ATM days
-It took an act of Congress for the schools to close when it snowed
-You remember the “new” Coke (and hated it)
-You owned a DEVO hat [I still want one!]
-You know who Captain Lou Albano and Gorilla Monsoon were
-You owned/operated a “Trapper Keeper”
-You know what “Psych” means
-Once, while spending hours in the arcade, you actually lined up quarters on the top panel of the game to “reserve” your spot
-You know the profound meaning of “Wax on/Wax off”
-You can name at least half of the members of the elite “Brat Pack”
-You know who Tina Yothers is
-You wanted to be a Goonie
-You had top-of-the-line Commodore 64s in your Jr. High computer lab
-You know who Max Headroom is
-You ever wore fluorescent (neon, if you will) clothing
-You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool
-You could breakdance, or wish you could
-Partying “like it’s 1999 seemed SO far away
-You wanted to be on “Star Search”
-You hold a special place in your heart for Back To The Future [Great Scott! Don’t we all?]
-You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
-You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth
-You HAD to have your MTV
-You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie [It is a good movie, I think!]
-You remember when Cosmo Kramer was on a show called “Fridays”
-You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince”
-You remember when Atari was a state of the art video game system
-You own(ed) any “cassette singles” [I did/do. CD singles too!]
-You ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf
-You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish
-You ever wore a Swatch watch
-You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny
In the meantime, I came up with just a few more additions to the list:
-You poked fun at Nina Blackwood’s hair [Someone buy that woman a hair brush, will ya!]
-You waited in line all night on Fridays at a record store to buy concert tickets first thing Saturday morning
-You remember what a record store actually was!
-You wanted your money back on the LaserDisc player you bought because there wasn’t much of a selection of discs to play in them
-You thought wearing replica Major League Baseball helmets made you look cool [Guilty as charged here!]
-You remember those little green Cyalume (sp?) glow-in-the-dark light sticks that people threw around at concerts
-You engaged in the VHS vs. Beta debate [Beta rules!]
-You remember when Lifetime was called the Cable Health Network and when SpikeTV was called The Nashville Network
-You thought Gene Simmons had a future in the movies
-You were in competition with other girls at the mall to see who had the tallest hair
-You remember when enclosed shopping malls actually thrived
-You filled up dozens of VHS tapes with individual music videos off MTV
-You remember when MTV aired nothing but music videos, 24/7, ESPN aired nothing but sports and CNN Headline News did 48 separate 30-minute newscasts every day [Whatever happened to Sasha Foo, btw?]
-You know who Rhonda Shear was
-You paid 50 cents a minute to call Jose Canseco’s 1-900 phone line thing
-Your computer screen was all-green
-You remember when there was no such thing as competitive poker on television
-You wasted money on “picture disc” LPs that sounded like shit
-You or someone you know played one of those “headless” guitars or basses
-Your local TV weather man stood in front of a magnetic U.S. map instead of computer-generated graphics
-You bought into any advice that Dr. Ruth Westheimer dished out on TV
-You remember the Ford Probe being described as the “car of the future”
-You actually bought into the (overrated) Flashdance fashion craze
-You thought of Reagan as a politician instead of an actor and Schwarzenegger as an actor instead of a politician
-You thought Dexy’s Midnight Runners were the “next big thing”
-You let the Moral Majority and/or the PTL Club do all your thinking for you
-You thought electronic drums were really neato!
-You videotaped every episode of your favorite TV shows (“M*A*S*H”, for instance) to keep, not knowing there would be such a thing as TV shows on DVDs in the future [Guilty as charged!]
-You would get so pissed-off when weather/news alerts would interrupt those shows you were taping!
-After catching the last ten seconds of a new video on MTV you’d been dying to see, you’d watch for hours on end until it was shown again
-You wore one of those doofy George Michael “Choose Life” shirts
-You assumed every woman dressed like Jane Fonda when they did aerobics
-You fell for Herbalife
-You believed that women would start shaving their heads to be fashionable after Star Trek-The Motion Picture came out
-You kept thinking the next Rolling Stones concert tour would be their last [Some things are eternal!]
-You remember when Album Rock stations still played new music
-You had to turn the dial on the converter box to channel-surf on cable instead of using a remote control
-You remember The Simpsons starting off on the “Tracey Ullman Show”
-You actually paid money to see Madonna’s movies, no matter how putrid they were (Who’s That Girl, for instance)
-You remember when local TV stations would go off the air at one in the morning
-You owned or utilized a Key-Tar
-You bought a Refrigerator Perry t-shirt [I plead insanity on that one!]
-You remember when “Friday Night Videos” replaced “Midnight Special” on NBC
-You had to own your favorite albums in every format that was available at the time (i.e., LP, 8-Track and cassette) [Guilty as charged!]
-You secretly hoped that just once, Madonna would twist out of that tube top she wore in the “Papa Don’t Preach” video
-You thought Vince McMahon was a legitimate sportscaster
-You remember when Michael Jackson was a good-looking black guy
-You remember when David Letterman was on NBC
-You took Geraldo Rivera seriously as a journalist
-You were underwhelmed when the “Who shot J.R.?” cliffhanger was revealed
-You bought into L. Ron Hubbard’s Dyanetics
-You thought Billy Squier might be the next Eddie Van Halen
-You planned your weekends around the Friday night soft-core porn offerings on Showtime and Cinemax
-You had trouble getting used to the “Los Angeles” Raiders
-You remember seeing Paul Stanley’s real hair during Kiss concerts
-You went “Huh?!?” when you heard Elton John married a woman
-You had an instant dislike for Alan Thicke and his late night talk show
-You can name at least four teams from the USFL
-You spanked your monkey just like Judge Reinhold did when thinking/dreaming of Phoebe Cates [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You owned a copy of the “Super Bowl Shuffle” videotape
-You really thought indoor soccer would become a major league sport in America on a par with the NBA and NHL [Sadly, it didn’t]
-You remember when Tom Hanks dressed as a woman on TV
-You wore an “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt or ball cap [This means YOU, Tom!]
-You actually paid good money for a Garden Weasel or Pocket Fisherman from Ronco
-You remember when highway signs also had metric measurements on them
-You remember when most convenience stores didn’t sell gasoline
-You remember having to write a check out to cash to get money from the bank in the pre-ATM days
-It took an act of Congress for the schools to close when it snowed
-You remember the “new” Coke (and hated it)
-You owned a DEVO hat [I still want one!]
-You know who Captain Lou Albano and Gorilla Monsoon were
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Underrated!
Since my "Overrated" post got such a good response, it’s time to give the underrated music folks equal time. Being as they are so overlooked, there’s a good chance I’ve already done blog tributes on them, which I’m providing links to, if you care to view…
Paul Revere & The Raiders—It frustrates me no end that these guys aren’t respected more for their musical output. They were a fun band that played some excellent guitar-driven Rock, but unfortunately they are remembered more for their campy stage act on TV in the ‘60s (and Revere’s current nostalgia act in Branson doesn’t help things any). Lead singer Mark Lindsay was a stud as the group’s front man and even though they had a revolving door in terms of personnel, PR&TR always employed fine musicians, like the equally-underrated Drake Levin on guitar. Their big hits between 1965 and 1971 were great, but you can even go beyond them and find numerous hidden gems like "Louise", "Ballad of A Useless Man", "Get Out Of My Mind", "Time After Time", "Get It On", "Boys In The Band" and a personal fave, "The Great Airplane Strike". Strange irony that "Indian Reservation" was their first and only #1 hit, because it was also the beginning of the end. PR&TR are far more Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame worthy than their contemporaries like the Lovin’ Spoonful, Dave Clark Five and the Ventures, just to name a few.
Sweet—This band was unfairly tagged with the ‘70s "Glam Rock" stigma, which I think hurt their career in the long run. You know "Ballroom Blitz" and "Fox On The Run", but they had a few other songs that rocked just as hard, like "Teenage Rampage", "Blockbuster" and "Action". Sadly, singer Brian Connolly’s over-indulgence in alcohol helped to derail this band by the late ‘70s.
Elton John Band—We know Elton’s good, but I’m referring here to his backing band during his ‘70s heyday, guitarist Davey Johnstone, bassist Dee Murray and drummer Nigel Olsson (and later percussionist Ray Cooper). In addition to being top-flight musicians, Johnstone, Murray and Olsson are largely unrecognized for providing sterling backing vocals—the original "Candle In The Wind" being a supreme example—and why on earth Elton chose to break this unit up in 1975 is a mystery. His decision to cease working with longtime producer Gus Dudgeon also mystifies me, and it’s no small coincidence that EJ’s career went into free-fall after he "split the band" (keeping only Johnstone and Cooper and bringing in other musicians) and that his career rebounded in the ‘80s when Murray and Olsson returned. Dee Murray died of skin cancer in 1992, but Johnstone and Olsson still play and tour with Elton today. Their body of work from about 1972 through 1975 is nothing short of phenomenal.
The Rainmakers—The finest Rock band Kansas City ever produced, bar none. Should’ve been every bit as big as R.E.M. is. See my previous blog tribute on them for more details.
Moody Blues—The critics tended to blow them off, and the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame avoids them like they were rodent droppings, but these gentlemen produced some of the finest headphone music I’ve ever heard on their magnificent first seven albums between 1968 and 1972. Some of their stuff makes for a great head trip that you don’t even need illegal drugs to enjoy. Former keyboardist Mike Pinder doesn’t get near enough credit for his work, especially on the almighty Mellotron. Even though it made for a nice comeback, I can pretty much do without their ‘80s-and-beyond output when they were merely trying to write hit singles—it’s those first seven albums that define this band.
Cheap Trick—Yes, the critics were generally kind to these guys, but I still don’t think they get their due. It’s strange that such a Rock Radio-friendly band doesn’t rate more airplay than just "Surrender" and "I Want You To Want Me". Radio doesn’t go anywhere near deep enough into their catalogue—there’s so much more to Cheap Trick, like "He’s A Whore", "She’s Tight", "Auf Wiedersehen", "Tonight It’s You", "Stiff Competition", "Never Had A Lot To Lose" and "Clock Strikes Ten", plus Heaven Tonight, Dream Police and Lap Of Luxury are excellent albums. "The Flame" is one of my all-time favorite power ballads too.
Rush—The critics hate these crazy Canucks with a passion, which I’m sure makes their continuing prolonged success all the more infuriating to them. Rush really hit their stride when Geddy Lee reined in his voice and really learned how to sing instead of screeching and shrieking, long about the time of Moving Pictures in 1981, the first in a string of what I thought were their five best albums (Signals, Grace Under Pressure, Power Windows and Hold Your Fire being the others).
Grand Funk Railroad—Another trio the critics loved to hate, and they were even more merciless on GFR than they were on Rush. Much to their credit, Mark, Don and Mel didn’t give a monkey’s what the critics thought, and just went out and played what people wanted to hear. Grand Funk has two songs that would make my Top 100 of all-time, "We’re An American Band" and "I’m Your Captain/Closer To Home", the latter of which I want played at my funeral.
Journey—I have a soft spot for Journey, in spite of Steve Perry’s penchant for sappy power ballads like "Open Arms" and his firing of bassist Ross Valory and drummer Steve Smith for no good reason in 1985. Yeah, we’re in a slump, so let’s fire the rhythm section. Flaky as he is, Perry was still a pretty good front man, and guitarist Neal Schon is vastly overlooked. I love their "B" stuff like "Rubicon", "Line of Fire", "Be Good To Yourself", "Lay It Down" and "Only The Young".
Motorhead—Without Uncle Lemmy and company, there would be no Metallica, there would be no Judas Priest, there would be no Iron Maiden, and so forth on down the line, yet they get precious little credit for being true groundbreaking heavy metal behemoths. They are the loudest, rawest and fastest band in my musical collection, and with lines like "You got a body like a Marshall stack," Lemmy also incorporates a sense of humor into Motorhead’s music—a rarity in the metal genre.
John Hiatt—A brilliant singer/songwriter with a knack for clever lines like "thunder and lightning from the bloodshot skies" and the only man I know of who successfully worked in porcupines and amoebas in the same song and made it work! His gentle good humor and unique perspectives on life really make his music come alive. Hard to be in a bad mood while listening to him…
Nick Lowe—A one-time cohort of J. Hiatt’s, and a very witty songwriter in his own right (write?), plus he plays a pretty mean bass guitar and is known for his production talents too. Full of brilliant lines like "When I’m with you, girl, I get an extension—and I don’t mean Alexander Graham Bell’s invention" (from "Switchboard Susan") and "You’re cold, pretty mama, like a Utah night" (from "Refrigerator White"), I don’t get why Lowe gets snubbed by the Hall of Fame while a wanker like Elvis Costello gets in.
Dave Edmunds—Erstwhile partner of N. Lowe’s in Rockpile, Edmunds may well be the greatest Rock guitar player that most people have never heard of. The man pays tribute to old-school Rockabilly and Blues like no one else, and is one of the best re-interpreters ever of old songs.
Black Oak Arkansas—Not the most musically-gifted group in the world, but Jim Dandy and BOA made up for that with a great attitude and some fun music. To the critic who said BOA’s one distinguishing quality was that they "had three guitar players that didn’t even add up to one good one", I say just keep on listening to your King Crimson records and go get stuffed!
Jim Croce—Oh, what might've been. This man hadn't even come close to peaking at the time of his untimely death in 1973, and his influence can clearly be heard in the work of people like John Hiatt, Tom Petty and many other songwriters. And why the hell isn't he in the friggin' Hall of Fame? Jim's career lasted three times as long as Ritchie Valens', and was far more prolific, yet Ritchie's in the Hall and Jim isn't.
Paul Revere & The Raiders—It frustrates me no end that these guys aren’t respected more for their musical output. They were a fun band that played some excellent guitar-driven Rock, but unfortunately they are remembered more for their campy stage act on TV in the ‘60s (and Revere’s current nostalgia act in Branson doesn’t help things any). Lead singer Mark Lindsay was a stud as the group’s front man and even though they had a revolving door in terms of personnel, PR&TR always employed fine musicians, like the equally-underrated Drake Levin on guitar. Their big hits between 1965 and 1971 were great, but you can even go beyond them and find numerous hidden gems like "Louise", "Ballad of A Useless Man", "Get Out Of My Mind", "Time After Time", "Get It On", "Boys In The Band" and a personal fave, "The Great Airplane Strike". Strange irony that "Indian Reservation" was their first and only #1 hit, because it was also the beginning of the end. PR&TR are far more Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame worthy than their contemporaries like the Lovin’ Spoonful, Dave Clark Five and the Ventures, just to name a few.
Sweet—This band was unfairly tagged with the ‘70s "Glam Rock" stigma, which I think hurt their career in the long run. You know "Ballroom Blitz" and "Fox On The Run", but they had a few other songs that rocked just as hard, like "Teenage Rampage", "Blockbuster" and "Action". Sadly, singer Brian Connolly’s over-indulgence in alcohol helped to derail this band by the late ‘70s.
Elton John Band—We know Elton’s good, but I’m referring here to his backing band during his ‘70s heyday, guitarist Davey Johnstone, bassist Dee Murray and drummer Nigel Olsson (and later percussionist Ray Cooper). In addition to being top-flight musicians, Johnstone, Murray and Olsson are largely unrecognized for providing sterling backing vocals—the original "Candle In The Wind" being a supreme example—and why on earth Elton chose to break this unit up in 1975 is a mystery. His decision to cease working with longtime producer Gus Dudgeon also mystifies me, and it’s no small coincidence that EJ’s career went into free-fall after he "split the band" (keeping only Johnstone and Cooper and bringing in other musicians) and that his career rebounded in the ‘80s when Murray and Olsson returned. Dee Murray died of skin cancer in 1992, but Johnstone and Olsson still play and tour with Elton today. Their body of work from about 1972 through 1975 is nothing short of phenomenal.
The Rainmakers—The finest Rock band Kansas City ever produced, bar none. Should’ve been every bit as big as R.E.M. is. See my previous blog tribute on them for more details.
Moody Blues—The critics tended to blow them off, and the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame avoids them like they were rodent droppings, but these gentlemen produced some of the finest headphone music I’ve ever heard on their magnificent first seven albums between 1968 and 1972. Some of their stuff makes for a great head trip that you don’t even need illegal drugs to enjoy. Former keyboardist Mike Pinder doesn’t get near enough credit for his work, especially on the almighty Mellotron. Even though it made for a nice comeback, I can pretty much do without their ‘80s-and-beyond output when they were merely trying to write hit singles—it’s those first seven albums that define this band.
Cheap Trick—Yes, the critics were generally kind to these guys, but I still don’t think they get their due. It’s strange that such a Rock Radio-friendly band doesn’t rate more airplay than just "Surrender" and "I Want You To Want Me". Radio doesn’t go anywhere near deep enough into their catalogue—there’s so much more to Cheap Trick, like "He’s A Whore", "She’s Tight", "Auf Wiedersehen", "Tonight It’s You", "Stiff Competition", "Never Had A Lot To Lose" and "Clock Strikes Ten", plus Heaven Tonight, Dream Police and Lap Of Luxury are excellent albums. "The Flame" is one of my all-time favorite power ballads too.
Rush—The critics hate these crazy Canucks with a passion, which I’m sure makes their continuing prolonged success all the more infuriating to them. Rush really hit their stride when Geddy Lee reined in his voice and really learned how to sing instead of screeching and shrieking, long about the time of Moving Pictures in 1981, the first in a string of what I thought were their five best albums (Signals, Grace Under Pressure, Power Windows and Hold Your Fire being the others).
Grand Funk Railroad—Another trio the critics loved to hate, and they were even more merciless on GFR than they were on Rush. Much to their credit, Mark, Don and Mel didn’t give a monkey’s what the critics thought, and just went out and played what people wanted to hear. Grand Funk has two songs that would make my Top 100 of all-time, "We’re An American Band" and "I’m Your Captain/Closer To Home", the latter of which I want played at my funeral.
Journey—I have a soft spot for Journey, in spite of Steve Perry’s penchant for sappy power ballads like "Open Arms" and his firing of bassist Ross Valory and drummer Steve Smith for no good reason in 1985. Yeah, we’re in a slump, so let’s fire the rhythm section. Flaky as he is, Perry was still a pretty good front man, and guitarist Neal Schon is vastly overlooked. I love their "B" stuff like "Rubicon", "Line of Fire", "Be Good To Yourself", "Lay It Down" and "Only The Young".
Motorhead—Without Uncle Lemmy and company, there would be no Metallica, there would be no Judas Priest, there would be no Iron Maiden, and so forth on down the line, yet they get precious little credit for being true groundbreaking heavy metal behemoths. They are the loudest, rawest and fastest band in my musical collection, and with lines like "You got a body like a Marshall stack," Lemmy also incorporates a sense of humor into Motorhead’s music—a rarity in the metal genre.
John Hiatt—A brilliant singer/songwriter with a knack for clever lines like "thunder and lightning from the bloodshot skies" and the only man I know of who successfully worked in porcupines and amoebas in the same song and made it work! His gentle good humor and unique perspectives on life really make his music come alive. Hard to be in a bad mood while listening to him…
Nick Lowe—A one-time cohort of J. Hiatt’s, and a very witty songwriter in his own right (write?), plus he plays a pretty mean bass guitar and is known for his production talents too. Full of brilliant lines like "When I’m with you, girl, I get an extension—and I don’t mean Alexander Graham Bell’s invention" (from "Switchboard Susan") and "You’re cold, pretty mama, like a Utah night" (from "Refrigerator White"), I don’t get why Lowe gets snubbed by the Hall of Fame while a wanker like Elvis Costello gets in.
Dave Edmunds—Erstwhile partner of N. Lowe’s in Rockpile, Edmunds may well be the greatest Rock guitar player that most people have never heard of. The man pays tribute to old-school Rockabilly and Blues like no one else, and is one of the best re-interpreters ever of old songs.
Black Oak Arkansas—Not the most musically-gifted group in the world, but Jim Dandy and BOA made up for that with a great attitude and some fun music. To the critic who said BOA’s one distinguishing quality was that they "had three guitar players that didn’t even add up to one good one", I say just keep on listening to your King Crimson records and go get stuffed!
Jim Croce—Oh, what might've been. This man hadn't even come close to peaking at the time of his untimely death in 1973, and his influence can clearly be heard in the work of people like John Hiatt, Tom Petty and many other songwriters. And why the hell isn't he in the friggin' Hall of Fame? Jim's career lasted three times as long as Ritchie Valens', and was far more prolific, yet Ritchie's in the Hall and Jim isn't.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Givin' The Blog A Bone
SO MUCH FOR THE “FIVE-YEAR PLAN”...
At long last, “King” Carl Peterson will no longer be the GM of the Kansas City Chiefs. He had one year left on his contract, but stepped down on Monday following the Chefs’ 22-21 debacle loss to San Diego on Sunday (after they blew a 17-point lead late). Officially, Peterson “resigned”, but I get the impression that he was given the choice by owner Clark Hunt of either quitting on his own volition or being fired anyway. Peterson did some wonderful things during his almost 20-year tenure with the team, but he clearly overstayed his welcome and should’ve come to the realization that he was not a particularly good judge of player talent. Yes, he nabbed a few gems along the way like Tony Gonzalez, Dan Saleaumua, Priest Holmes and the late Derrick Thomas, but there were just as many blunders like Kendrell Bell, Junior Siavii, Elvis Grbac, Greg Hill, Steve Bono and Trezelle Jenkins over the years.
When Peterson first came to K.C. in 1989, I was impressed with his aggressiveness in changing the culture of such a moribund franchise and giving the fans something to chew on. Before Carl’s arrival, many of the seats at Arrowhead Stadium had cobwebs on them, but in just a couple years, the joint was jumping and was packed to the gills for years to come. Those first ten years under Carl and coach Marty Schottenheimer were highly successful, but as time wore on, Peterson’s arrogance got the better of him and he started making questionable personnel moves (Bam Morris, anyone?) with his “win now, but mortgage the future” attitude, thus the Chiefs have returned to moribundance the last couple years. Peterson’s strength lies in the administrative side of the operation, and he would have been much better-served to focus on being the team’s CEO and bringing in a GM who could better evaluate talent on the field, but his ego wouldn’t allow it. So while I do appreciate that which CP helped create at Arrowhead over the years, I’m also relieved with his departure, which was long overdue.
As for the future, I have two words for the Chiefs: Bill Cowher!
REALLY BIG SHEW(S)
As y’all no doubt have seen by now, Dubya’s press conference in Iraq the other day featured more ducks than an AFLAC commercial. I just love how the dude on the right in this pic seems oblivious to everything. I have to admit, I was impressed with Dubya’s quick reflexes—he no doubt obtained that fine dexterity from all that ducking of the Constitution, not to mention ducking all the tough questions from the media these last eight years. And what's the bet those shoes will soon be up for auction on eBay? Memo to Mr. Shoe-Hurler: next time, try using steel-toed work boots—they carry better!
And for those of you who will accuse me of being disrespectful to your President, you’re damn right—I have not one iota of respect for this man, so sue me…
BAH HUMBUG, INDEED!
Hate to sound like ol’ Eb. Scrooge here, but this year’s Christmas season is rapidly wearing me down, between all the hustle and bustle, irritating TV and radio commercials, not to mention the perceived “War on Christmas” that the Christians think has been waged by those who aren’t quite so gung ho religious. As a member of the latter category, I’m pretty ambivalent about it all—I don’t care if they put a nativity scene on government property nor am I offended if someone from Lowe’s wishes me a Merry Christmas, but all the same, I think it’s a little warped that other folks aren’t allowed equal time. For instance, like the folks at the Freedom From Religion Foundation, whose motto is: “At this season of the winter solstice, may reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”
I read an interesting column by Mary Sanchez in the K.C. Star Monday about the whole hubbub being stirred up by the religious right regarding the holiday season. In it, she wrote, “In other words, some Christians are fine with tolerating other faiths, as long as it is clear that theirs is king of the religious mountain. The paradox is, if we all just lightened up and let Christmas be Christian, there might be less Christian jingoism and more room for others to celebrate their own faiths and traditions. Religious holidays, after all, ought to be expressions of our best attributes, not our petty differences.” Well said.
As for the irritating Christmas ads, there was a good piece on MSNBC.com Monday which lamented the fact that today’s holiday season commercials are either really lame or really annoying or both. Far and away the most heinous of this season’s commercials are the give-a give-a Garmin ads that are set to the tune of “Carol Of The Bells”. Every time I hear it, it makes me want to sing (in time with the same music) “Please make it stop, please make it stop, please make it stop…” Makes me long for the days of cool Christmas ads like this one. And this one.
ALL HAIL JOHN THE REVISIONIST!
John McCain said this week that he can’t promise that he’ll support Sarah Palin if she runs for President in 2012. A mere three months ago, he tried to convince us all that Ms. Winky-Dink would make a good Commander-In-Chief in the event of his untimely demise, yet he’s not even in her political corner now—what does this tell us about Big John and his fitness to command, huh? I believe the term youse Republicans out there like to use is “flip-flop”. It’s so blatantly obvious now that he was merely using Palin to get votes if he doesn’t firmly believe in her possible candidacy in ’12.
SMOKIN’ IN THE BOYS’ ROOM
I got a little chuckle this morning when I read about the Japanese toilet maker Inax Corp., who is having to repair 82,000 electric toilet-bidet combos after some of them evidently overheated and started smoking. Talk about your hot cross buns!
This reminds me of the innovation Archie Bunker once came up with—the “electric turlet seat”. According to Arch, he “got the idea one freezing morning after the wife left the bathroom window open all night…it works sorta like your electric toaster, only it don’t pop you off the seat. I’m thinking of calling it the Bunker Bun Warmer…”
SIT ON IT, FONZIE!
The term “Jump The Shark” was coined from the infamous 1978 “Happy Days” episode in which Fonzie goes water skiing over a live shark to indicate the point at which a popular TV show loses its way and goes overboard. After further review, I think the true JTS moment may well have been a year earlier in the 1977 season-opening “Fonzie Loves Pinky” trilogy that I’m currently watching on the HD Season 4 DVD set, featuring the legendary Pinky Tuscadero and the dreaded Malachi brothers in a demolition derby. It astounds me that this thing seemed so cool 31 years ago and now comes across as so friggin’ hokey! Guess that’s the difference between seeing things with 8th-grade eyes and 44-year-old ones. By the time the third part of the episode aired, actress Roz Kelly was already a has-been—what a waste of an attractive redhead.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #104
“With A Little Luck”—WINGS (1978) “The willow turns his back on inclement weather...” Dopey me, I thought Sir Paul McCartney was singing something about “clever weather”.
CHANNELLING GEORGE
Here’s a few Carlin-esque musings I thought of today:
At long last, “King” Carl Peterson will no longer be the GM of the Kansas City Chiefs. He had one year left on his contract, but stepped down on Monday following the Chefs’ 22-21 debacle loss to San Diego on Sunday (after they blew a 17-point lead late). Officially, Peterson “resigned”, but I get the impression that he was given the choice by owner Clark Hunt of either quitting on his own volition or being fired anyway. Peterson did some wonderful things during his almost 20-year tenure with the team, but he clearly overstayed his welcome and should’ve come to the realization that he was not a particularly good judge of player talent. Yes, he nabbed a few gems along the way like Tony Gonzalez, Dan Saleaumua, Priest Holmes and the late Derrick Thomas, but there were just as many blunders like Kendrell Bell, Junior Siavii, Elvis Grbac, Greg Hill, Steve Bono and Trezelle Jenkins over the years.
When Peterson first came to K.C. in 1989, I was impressed with his aggressiveness in changing the culture of such a moribund franchise and giving the fans something to chew on. Before Carl’s arrival, many of the seats at Arrowhead Stadium had cobwebs on them, but in just a couple years, the joint was jumping and was packed to the gills for years to come. Those first ten years under Carl and coach Marty Schottenheimer were highly successful, but as time wore on, Peterson’s arrogance got the better of him and he started making questionable personnel moves (Bam Morris, anyone?) with his “win now, but mortgage the future” attitude, thus the Chiefs have returned to moribundance the last couple years. Peterson’s strength lies in the administrative side of the operation, and he would have been much better-served to focus on being the team’s CEO and bringing in a GM who could better evaluate talent on the field, but his ego wouldn’t allow it. So while I do appreciate that which CP helped create at Arrowhead over the years, I’m also relieved with his departure, which was long overdue.
As for the future, I have two words for the Chiefs: Bill Cowher!
REALLY BIG SHEW(S)
As y’all no doubt have seen by now, Dubya’s press conference in Iraq the other day featured more ducks than an AFLAC commercial. I just love how the dude on the right in this pic seems oblivious to everything. I have to admit, I was impressed with Dubya’s quick reflexes—he no doubt obtained that fine dexterity from all that ducking of the Constitution, not to mention ducking all the tough questions from the media these last eight years. And what's the bet those shoes will soon be up for auction on eBay? Memo to Mr. Shoe-Hurler: next time, try using steel-toed work boots—they carry better!And for those of you who will accuse me of being disrespectful to your President, you’re damn right—I have not one iota of respect for this man, so sue me…
BAH HUMBUG, INDEED!
Hate to sound like ol’ Eb. Scrooge here, but this year’s Christmas season is rapidly wearing me down, between all the hustle and bustle, irritating TV and radio commercials, not to mention the perceived “War on Christmas” that the Christians think has been waged by those who aren’t quite so gung ho religious. As a member of the latter category, I’m pretty ambivalent about it all—I don’t care if they put a nativity scene on government property nor am I offended if someone from Lowe’s wishes me a Merry Christmas, but all the same, I think it’s a little warped that other folks aren’t allowed equal time. For instance, like the folks at the Freedom From Religion Foundation, whose motto is: “At this season of the winter solstice, may reason prevail. There are no gods, no devils, no angels, no heaven or hell. There is only our natural world. Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds.”
I read an interesting column by Mary Sanchez in the K.C. Star Monday about the whole hubbub being stirred up by the religious right regarding the holiday season. In it, she wrote, “In other words, some Christians are fine with tolerating other faiths, as long as it is clear that theirs is king of the religious mountain. The paradox is, if we all just lightened up and let Christmas be Christian, there might be less Christian jingoism and more room for others to celebrate their own faiths and traditions. Religious holidays, after all, ought to be expressions of our best attributes, not our petty differences.” Well said.
As for the irritating Christmas ads, there was a good piece on MSNBC.com Monday which lamented the fact that today’s holiday season commercials are either really lame or really annoying or both. Far and away the most heinous of this season’s commercials are the give-a give-a Garmin ads that are set to the tune of “Carol Of The Bells”. Every time I hear it, it makes me want to sing (in time with the same music) “Please make it stop, please make it stop, please make it stop…” Makes me long for the days of cool Christmas ads like this one. And this one.
ALL HAIL JOHN THE REVISIONIST!
John McCain said this week that he can’t promise that he’ll support Sarah Palin if she runs for President in 2012. A mere three months ago, he tried to convince us all that Ms. Winky-Dink would make a good Commander-In-Chief in the event of his untimely demise, yet he’s not even in her political corner now—what does this tell us about Big John and his fitness to command, huh? I believe the term youse Republicans out there like to use is “flip-flop”. It’s so blatantly obvious now that he was merely using Palin to get votes if he doesn’t firmly believe in her possible candidacy in ’12.
SMOKIN’ IN THE BOYS’ ROOM
I got a little chuckle this morning when I read about the Japanese toilet maker Inax Corp., who is having to repair 82,000 electric toilet-bidet combos after some of them evidently overheated and started smoking. Talk about your hot cross buns!
This reminds me of the innovation Archie Bunker once came up with—the “electric turlet seat”. According to Arch, he “got the idea one freezing morning after the wife left the bathroom window open all night…it works sorta like your electric toaster, only it don’t pop you off the seat. I’m thinking of calling it the Bunker Bun Warmer…”
SIT ON IT, FONZIE!
The term “Jump The Shark” was coined from the infamous 1978 “Happy Days” episode in which Fonzie goes water skiing over a live shark to indicate the point at which a popular TV show loses its way and goes overboard. After further review, I think the true JTS moment may well have been a year earlier in the 1977 season-opening “Fonzie Loves Pinky” trilogy that I’m currently watching on the HD Season 4 DVD set, featuring the legendary Pinky Tuscadero and the dreaded Malachi brothers in a demolition derby. It astounds me that this thing seemed so cool 31 years ago and now comes across as so friggin’ hokey! Guess that’s the difference between seeing things with 8th-grade eyes and 44-year-old ones. By the time the third part of the episode aired, actress Roz Kelly was already a has-been—what a waste of an attractive redhead.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #104
“With A Little Luck”—WINGS (1978) “The willow turns his back on inclement weather...” Dopey me, I thought Sir Paul McCartney was singing something about “clever weather”.
CHANNELLING GEORGE
Here’s a few Carlin-esque musings I thought of today:
- The phrase “clean as a whistle” always mystifies me. Unless it’s brand new, a whistle is full of spit and drool—how clean can they possibly be?
- Why is it people always take a gander, but never leave any?
- Do steel traps actually have minds?
- Exactly how fit are fiddles?
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Flip, Blog & Fly
...I don't care if I die! Great drinking song, btw...
WEATHER OR NOT
Okay, they had a massive ice storm in New England that put millions in the dark this week, it snowed in New Orleans and we're getting January weather here already and winter doesn't even start officially for another week. A nice little cold front is supposed to charge through here tomorrow afternoon and drop the temps. about 40 degrees by tomorrow night and it's not even going to get out of the teens on Monday. Time to recite my annual refrain: Global Warming, my ass!!
CAN YOU SAY "SNAKEBIT"?
For the fourth straight year, the Northwest Missouri State Univ. Bearcats lost in the Division II championship game today in Florence, Alabama, this time to Minnesota-Duluth, 21-14. Unlike the first three times, however, this game wasn't a heartbreaker that got away from them late—NWMS struggled all day long on offense and turned the ball over way too often. Now the Bearcats will go down in infamy with the Buffalo Bills for reaching the title game four straight times and losing it.
DENNIS YOST, 1943-2008
Here's a name that might've slipped through the cracks for you in the news this week, but sadly, singer Dennis Yost of the Classics IV passed away this week at age 65 of respiratory failure in Cincinnati. He'd been in nursing homes since a 2005 fall left him with brain damage. Yost had such a smooth voice on those Classics IV classics "Spooky", "Stormy" and "Every Day With You, Girl", among others, in the late '60s. Unfortunately, his career stalled out when the group broke up. Rest in peace, Dennis.
END OF AN ERA—I GUESS...
It was announced this week that 2008 will be the final year for the TD Pack Band, the Kansas City Chefs' in-house stadium band that originated in 1963 when the team moved here from Dallas. The band is being disbanded mostly because the team decided not to include a space for them to play in the remodeling plans for Arrowhead Stadium. The band was originally led by 96-year-old trumpeter Tony DiPardo, who has been one of the team's most beloved and ardent boosters, throughout good times and bad, and his daughter Patti now leads the group after Tony's retirement some years ago. Sadly, the quality of the music has declined since he stepped aside, and about all they play now is "Duh-duh-da-dut-da-DAHHH!"
Meantime, one of our local TV stations broke this story at 5AM the other morning after it snowed here the night before and I tuned in to get the latest road conditions. These fools actually sent one of their reporters out to Arrowhead to deliver to us this "Breaking News", never mind that it was pitch-black outside and you couldn't even see the bloody stadium in the background! Yeah, that really enhances your credibility there...
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?!?"—PART I
During a visit to Border's books the other night, in the CD section I came across one of those "20 Century Masters" best-of CDs for Swing Out Sister. The "Breakout" group?!? They had one lousy hit (and it most definitely was lousy!) and they rate a greatest-hits package? Oh-bee, kay-bee...
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?!?"—PART II
During that same visit to Border's the other night, in the DVD section, there was one shelf labeled "Cult Classics", and on that shelf was that legendary Danny Bonaduce flick, H.O.T.S.! Cult classic? Which cult is this, the cult of people that need two hours to watch "60 Minutes"?
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #103
"Can I Put You On"—ELTON JOHN (1970) "And the van that comes around weekends, selling fancy city things..." This one's a bit obscure, but a great old song—I thought Elton was singing about "selling facts instead of things." My brain isn't always wired too tight...
"OVERRATED" REDUX
I want to acknowledge Dr. Sardonicus and Randy Raley for their fine responses to my "Overrated" list a couple posts back. For the good Dr., I want to clarify what I meant by the term "White Trash noise" in regards to the MC5 and the Black Crowes—I'll paraphrase what a critic once said about another band: "Rock 'N' Roll can be mindless fun, but it shouldn't be this empty-headed..."
For Brother Randy regarding The Boss: I, too, have been greatly touched by his music. Back in 1999, I had a little rendez-vous with a female friend whom I'd become friends with on-line and we met for the first time in person about a year-and-a-half later in Denver and wound up having the mutual hots for each other that weekend. While concerned about the effect "going all the way" would have on our existing friendship, I told her, "You know that Bruce Springsteen song 'Human Touch'? That's what this weekend means to me." Next morning, while at a grocery store shopping for some protection, who should I hear playing overhead, but The Boss himself singing "Human Touch"! That "voice from above" told me that what we were about to do that night was okay, and I'll take that weekend to the grave with me. And, oh by the way, she and I remain friends to this day. Still and all, I think Springsteen gets a tad too much praise for practically everything he's done—as if he can do no wrong. Let us not forget that even The Beatles put out a few clunkers (found mostly on the White Album and Let It Be) too.
In both your cases, I look forward to reading whatever you plan to post on your blogs in the future on this subject, which is certainly a fun one for debate. Meantime, I'd forgotten one on my list: Van Morrison. His voice always sounds so bland to me, and he's about as dynamic a live performer as the great Roger Whittaker! In the words of Airman Adrian Cronauer, "Boring as whale shit..."
WEATHER OR NOT
Okay, they had a massive ice storm in New England that put millions in the dark this week, it snowed in New Orleans and we're getting January weather here already and winter doesn't even start officially for another week. A nice little cold front is supposed to charge through here tomorrow afternoon and drop the temps. about 40 degrees by tomorrow night and it's not even going to get out of the teens on Monday. Time to recite my annual refrain: Global Warming, my ass!!
CAN YOU SAY "SNAKEBIT"?
For the fourth straight year, the Northwest Missouri State Univ. Bearcats lost in the Division II championship game today in Florence, Alabama, this time to Minnesota-Duluth, 21-14. Unlike the first three times, however, this game wasn't a heartbreaker that got away from them late—NWMS struggled all day long on offense and turned the ball over way too often. Now the Bearcats will go down in infamy with the Buffalo Bills for reaching the title game four straight times and losing it.
DENNIS YOST, 1943-2008
Here's a name that might've slipped through the cracks for you in the news this week, but sadly, singer Dennis Yost of the Classics IV passed away this week at age 65 of respiratory failure in Cincinnati. He'd been in nursing homes since a 2005 fall left him with brain damage. Yost had such a smooth voice on those Classics IV classics "Spooky", "Stormy" and "Every Day With You, Girl", among others, in the late '60s. Unfortunately, his career stalled out when the group broke up. Rest in peace, Dennis.
END OF AN ERA—I GUESS...
It was announced this week that 2008 will be the final year for the TD Pack Band, the Kansas City Chefs' in-house stadium band that originated in 1963 when the team moved here from Dallas. The band is being disbanded mostly because the team decided not to include a space for them to play in the remodeling plans for Arrowhead Stadium. The band was originally led by 96-year-old trumpeter Tony DiPardo, who has been one of the team's most beloved and ardent boosters, throughout good times and bad, and his daughter Patti now leads the group after Tony's retirement some years ago. Sadly, the quality of the music has declined since he stepped aside, and about all they play now is "Duh-duh-da-dut-da-DAHHH!"
Meantime, one of our local TV stations broke this story at 5AM the other morning after it snowed here the night before and I tuned in to get the latest road conditions. These fools actually sent one of their reporters out to Arrowhead to deliver to us this "Breaking News", never mind that it was pitch-black outside and you couldn't even see the bloody stadium in the background! Yeah, that really enhances your credibility there...
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?!?"—PART I
During a visit to Border's books the other night, in the CD section I came across one of those "20 Century Masters" best-of CDs for Swing Out Sister. The "Breakout" group?!? They had one lousy hit (and it most definitely was lousy!) and they rate a greatest-hits package? Oh-bee, kay-bee...
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?!?"—PART II
During that same visit to Border's the other night, in the DVD section, there was one shelf labeled "Cult Classics", and on that shelf was that legendary Danny Bonaduce flick, H.O.T.S.! Cult classic? Which cult is this, the cult of people that need two hours to watch "60 Minutes"?
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #103
"Can I Put You On"—ELTON JOHN (1970) "And the van that comes around weekends, selling fancy city things..." This one's a bit obscure, but a great old song—I thought Elton was singing about "selling facts instead of things." My brain isn't always wired too tight...
"OVERRATED" REDUX
I want to acknowledge Dr. Sardonicus and Randy Raley for their fine responses to my "Overrated" list a couple posts back. For the good Dr., I want to clarify what I meant by the term "White Trash noise" in regards to the MC5 and the Black Crowes—I'll paraphrase what a critic once said about another band: "Rock 'N' Roll can be mindless fun, but it shouldn't be this empty-headed..."
For Brother Randy regarding The Boss: I, too, have been greatly touched by his music. Back in 1999, I had a little rendez-vous with a female friend whom I'd become friends with on-line and we met for the first time in person about a year-and-a-half later in Denver and wound up having the mutual hots for each other that weekend. While concerned about the effect "going all the way" would have on our existing friendship, I told her, "You know that Bruce Springsteen song 'Human Touch'? That's what this weekend means to me." Next morning, while at a grocery store shopping for some protection, who should I hear playing overhead, but The Boss himself singing "Human Touch"! That "voice from above" told me that what we were about to do that night was okay, and I'll take that weekend to the grave with me. And, oh by the way, she and I remain friends to this day. Still and all, I think Springsteen gets a tad too much praise for practically everything he's done—as if he can do no wrong. Let us not forget that even The Beatles put out a few clunkers (found mostly on the White Album and Let It Be) too.
In both your cases, I look forward to reading whatever you plan to post on your blogs in the future on this subject, which is certainly a fun one for debate. Meantime, I'd forgotten one on my list: Van Morrison. His voice always sounds so bland to me, and he's about as dynamic a live performer as the great Roger Whittaker! In the words of Airman Adrian Cronauer, "Boring as whale shit..."
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
History re-visited
I was rummaging through the archives here this week and came across some funnies that someone sent to me via e-mail about ten years ago. The following are actual answers to 6th-grade history tests. Given the state of our public school system in this country, these answers aren't terribly shocking. But, they're highly entertaining, all the same...
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother’s son?"
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without ingredients. Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them, we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing fiddle to them.
- In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before the troops they all shouted "hurrah."
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Meantime in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is clearly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practice virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur disocovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest President. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Overrated!
In honor of one of my favorite adjectives, it's time to salute those groups and artists whom I find to largely be overrated by the critics and so-called “music experts”. Keep in mind, their inclusion on this list doesn’t necessarily mean I dislike them—I merely find their work to be overly-lauded…
MC5—I have their greatest hits CD and have no idea why this band gets lauded as much as it does. Nothing but ‘60s White Trash noise to me.
Black Crowes—More White Trash noise, this time featuring an anorexic male lead singer who somehow managed to charm the pant(ie)s off Kate Hudson at one time. Eat something, Chris, will ya!
U2—I've softened my stance on these guys considerably in the last ten years or so after finally making peace with them and recognizing what a truly important band U2 is. Having said all that, I still think they’re way too political (Bono especially), and their overall body of work gets way too much praise.
Bruce Springsteen—Okay, Randy and Dr. S., before you get your slings and arrows out, I do like Brucie—he’s put out some outstanding music over the years. But similar to my feelings on U2, I think Springsteen is overly-praised at times, to the point where his mediocre stuff gets rave reviews just because he’s The Boss. The Rising, for instance, was pretty flaccid (pun intended) to me.
Pink Floyd—Dark Side Of The Moon is friggin’ brilliant. “One Of These Days” is an underrated classic. Wish You Were Here ain‘t too shabby, either, but most everything else they’ve done is way overly-praised, especially The Wall, which is, hands down, the most overrated album in Rock history. Apart from “Mother”, “Run Like Hell” and “Comfortably Numb”, that album never has clicked with me, and I’ve never quite gotten the point of its so-called “concept”.
Janis Joplin—Yes, Miss Pearl is an important figure in the evolution of Rock, especially considering how few women succeeded in such a male-dominated world in the early days, but it doesn’t take all that much talent to drunkenly scream and wail. It also didn’t help that the bands she worked with were mostly mediocre-to-bad.
Jefferson Airplane—Unquestionably, the Airplane put out some landmark stuff in the late ‘60s, but beyond their 1967 album Surrealistic Pillow, there are only about a handful of other JA songs worth listening to (“Volunteers”, “Wooden Ships”, “Crown Of Creation”, “Greasy Heart”, and one or two others). I totally agree with singer Marty Balin’s assessment of their post-1969 output as being “all drugged-out and coked-out—it was boring.” The Jefferson Starship era from ‘75 through about ‘82 was much more prolific to me.
Lou Reed—Another guy the critics just went apeshit over for reasons I never got. Even “Walk On The Wild Side” is lauded way beyond its true merits.
Jackson Browne—Seems like a nice enough guy, but I’ve always found his stuff to be pretty mundane and bland. Hardly worthy of the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame…
Madonna—Classic case of style over substance. Her first two albums were great, the next two were decent, but the rest are pretty average, at best. I do give ol' Esther credit for one thing—at least she hasn’t fallen prey to drugs and alcohol throughout her career.
Blondie—Debbie Harry and the boys had a nice little run for about four years, and some of their stuff is pretty good. “Dreamin”, “Call Me”, “One Way Or Another” and “Heart Of Glass” all cut the cheese for me, but that hardly makes them Hall Of Fame-worthy either…
Patti Smith—Can anyone please explain to me why this skank is considered so important in music circles? Her biggest claim to fame, "Because The Night", was co-written by Springsteen and at her induction ceremony for the Hall of Fame, she chose to perform the Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” instead of one of her own songs.
The Lovin’ Spoonful—Their chart run barely lasted two years and half-a-dozen or so hits in the ‘60s, and I’m pretty confident that Paul Revere & The Raiders could’ve easily blown them off any stage. And don’t even get me started on their gawdawful performance at their RNR HOF induction. Their membership should’ve been rescinded immediately…
Traffic—Great musicians all the way around in this band, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee exciting music. “Paper Sun” and "Dear Mr. Fantasy" were cool songs, but beyond that, these guys were a huge bore to me.
Donovan—“Atlantis” was pretty cool, but the rest of Dono’s music was mostly ‘60s tree-hugging hippie crap. “Epistle To Dippy”? WTF?!?
Elvis Costello—His best song, “Girls’ Talk”, sounded infinitely better with Dave Edmunds singing it. As influential as ol’ Declan McManus was in the whole punk/alternative movement in the late ‘70s, I hardly see how he belongs in the HOF when guys like Nick Lowe don’t even get a sniff of it from the so-called “panel of experts”.
Bonnie Raitt—Nice gal, and not a bad slide guitar player, but I hardly find her to be Hall-worthy. Hell, Raitt’s biggest hit was a cover version of a John Hiatt song, “Thing Called Love”, and he’s not in the Hall of Fame (and sadly, probably never will be).
Sex Pistols—Ah yes, Johnny Rotten, the man who hocked a loogie on Dick Clark on “American Bandstand”—classy guy. And good ol’ Sid Vicious—another classy guy. This band was so awful that even I coulda played bass with them and sounded like John Entwistle. [NOTE: I can’t play guitar to save my doggone soul!]
Aretha Franklin—I know this’ll probably piss people off, but I think the Queen of Soul is soooo overrated. Not unlike Janis Joplin, anyone can scream and holler! You want soulful? Go with my girl Dusty Springfield.
The Clash—These guys were the supposed “torch bearers” who would take over for The Who in the ‘80s, but I still fail to see what the big deal was here. “Train In Vain” and “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” are the only two Clash songs that honk my hooter, and if it weren’t for all that “phony Beatlemania” they derisively sang about in “London Calling”, these wankers wouldn’t have had a career in the first place…
Staple Singers—The Staples seemed like nice folks, but I was never terribly impressed with any of their big hits, like “Respect Yourself” and “I’ll Take You There”. I’d take Cornelius Bros. & Sister Rose over them any day...
Frank Zappa—With all apologies to my dear friend Stacy, I think FZ is overly-tauted for his body of work in general, although he did have his moments (like “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow”, “Dancin’ Fool” and “Trouble Every Day”). I think I’ve heard “Valley Girl” one too many times, too.
Al Green—Undoubtedly, “Let’s Stay Together” was a colossal R&B record. Is it just me, though, or do the backing tracks on the rest of Al’s songs all kinda sound identical to it?
Joan Baez—Beautiful voice, to be sure, but methinks she doth protested a tad too much…
Sheryl Crow—Mediocre songwriter with a voice so off-key she makes Alfalfa from the Little Rascals sound melodic...
Blues Traveler—Oh yes, let’s marvel at the annoying sloppy harmonica playing on all their records!
Percy Sledge—This dude is in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, but I defy you to name one other hit he had besides “When a Man Loves a Woman”.
MC5—I have their greatest hits CD and have no idea why this band gets lauded as much as it does. Nothing but ‘60s White Trash noise to me.
Black Crowes—More White Trash noise, this time featuring an anorexic male lead singer who somehow managed to charm the pant(ie)s off Kate Hudson at one time. Eat something, Chris, will ya!
U2—I've softened my stance on these guys considerably in the last ten years or so after finally making peace with them and recognizing what a truly important band U2 is. Having said all that, I still think they’re way too political (Bono especially), and their overall body of work gets way too much praise.
Bruce Springsteen—Okay, Randy and Dr. S., before you get your slings and arrows out, I do like Brucie—he’s put out some outstanding music over the years. But similar to my feelings on U2, I think Springsteen is overly-praised at times, to the point where his mediocre stuff gets rave reviews just because he’s The Boss. The Rising, for instance, was pretty flaccid (pun intended) to me.
Pink Floyd—Dark Side Of The Moon is friggin’ brilliant. “One Of These Days” is an underrated classic. Wish You Were Here ain‘t too shabby, either, but most everything else they’ve done is way overly-praised, especially The Wall, which is, hands down, the most overrated album in Rock history. Apart from “Mother”, “Run Like Hell” and “Comfortably Numb”, that album never has clicked with me, and I’ve never quite gotten the point of its so-called “concept”.
Janis Joplin—Yes, Miss Pearl is an important figure in the evolution of Rock, especially considering how few women succeeded in such a male-dominated world in the early days, but it doesn’t take all that much talent to drunkenly scream and wail. It also didn’t help that the bands she worked with were mostly mediocre-to-bad.
Jefferson Airplane—Unquestionably, the Airplane put out some landmark stuff in the late ‘60s, but beyond their 1967 album Surrealistic Pillow, there are only about a handful of other JA songs worth listening to (“Volunteers”, “Wooden Ships”, “Crown Of Creation”, “Greasy Heart”, and one or two others). I totally agree with singer Marty Balin’s assessment of their post-1969 output as being “all drugged-out and coked-out—it was boring.” The Jefferson Starship era from ‘75 through about ‘82 was much more prolific to me.
Lou Reed—Another guy the critics just went apeshit over for reasons I never got. Even “Walk On The Wild Side” is lauded way beyond its true merits.
Jackson Browne—Seems like a nice enough guy, but I’ve always found his stuff to be pretty mundane and bland. Hardly worthy of the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame…
Madonna—Classic case of style over substance. Her first two albums were great, the next two were decent, but the rest are pretty average, at best. I do give ol' Esther credit for one thing—at least she hasn’t fallen prey to drugs and alcohol throughout her career.
Blondie—Debbie Harry and the boys had a nice little run for about four years, and some of their stuff is pretty good. “Dreamin”, “Call Me”, “One Way Or Another” and “Heart Of Glass” all cut the cheese for me, but that hardly makes them Hall Of Fame-worthy either…
Patti Smith—Can anyone please explain to me why this skank is considered so important in music circles? Her biggest claim to fame, "Because The Night", was co-written by Springsteen and at her induction ceremony for the Hall of Fame, she chose to perform the Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” instead of one of her own songs.
The Lovin’ Spoonful—Their chart run barely lasted two years and half-a-dozen or so hits in the ‘60s, and I’m pretty confident that Paul Revere & The Raiders could’ve easily blown them off any stage. And don’t even get me started on their gawdawful performance at their RNR HOF induction. Their membership should’ve been rescinded immediately…
Traffic—Great musicians all the way around in this band, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee exciting music. “Paper Sun” and "Dear Mr. Fantasy" were cool songs, but beyond that, these guys were a huge bore to me.
Donovan—“Atlantis” was pretty cool, but the rest of Dono’s music was mostly ‘60s tree-hugging hippie crap. “Epistle To Dippy”? WTF?!?
Elvis Costello—His best song, “Girls’ Talk”, sounded infinitely better with Dave Edmunds singing it. As influential as ol’ Declan McManus was in the whole punk/alternative movement in the late ‘70s, I hardly see how he belongs in the HOF when guys like Nick Lowe don’t even get a sniff of it from the so-called “panel of experts”.
Bonnie Raitt—Nice gal, and not a bad slide guitar player, but I hardly find her to be Hall-worthy. Hell, Raitt’s biggest hit was a cover version of a John Hiatt song, “Thing Called Love”, and he’s not in the Hall of Fame (and sadly, probably never will be).
Sex Pistols—Ah yes, Johnny Rotten, the man who hocked a loogie on Dick Clark on “American Bandstand”—classy guy. And good ol’ Sid Vicious—another classy guy. This band was so awful that even I coulda played bass with them and sounded like John Entwistle. [NOTE: I can’t play guitar to save my doggone soul!]
Aretha Franklin—I know this’ll probably piss people off, but I think the Queen of Soul is soooo overrated. Not unlike Janis Joplin, anyone can scream and holler! You want soulful? Go with my girl Dusty Springfield.
The Clash—These guys were the supposed “torch bearers” who would take over for The Who in the ‘80s, but I still fail to see what the big deal was here. “Train In Vain” and “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” are the only two Clash songs that honk my hooter, and if it weren’t for all that “phony Beatlemania” they derisively sang about in “London Calling”, these wankers wouldn’t have had a career in the first place…
Staple Singers—The Staples seemed like nice folks, but I was never terribly impressed with any of their big hits, like “Respect Yourself” and “I’ll Take You There”. I’d take Cornelius Bros. & Sister Rose over them any day...
Frank Zappa—With all apologies to my dear friend Stacy, I think FZ is overly-tauted for his body of work in general, although he did have his moments (like “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow”, “Dancin’ Fool” and “Trouble Every Day”). I think I’ve heard “Valley Girl” one too many times, too.
Al Green—Undoubtedly, “Let’s Stay Together” was a colossal R&B record. Is it just me, though, or do the backing tracks on the rest of Al’s songs all kinda sound identical to it?
Joan Baez—Beautiful voice, to be sure, but methinks she doth protested a tad too much…
Sheryl Crow—Mediocre songwriter with a voice so off-key she makes Alfalfa from the Little Rascals sound melodic...
Blues Traveler—Oh yes, let’s marvel at the annoying sloppy harmonica playing on all their records!
Percy Sledge—This dude is in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, but I defy you to name one other hit he had besides “When a Man Loves a Woman”.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Holland's Comet Blogiversary, V. 2.0
Hard to believe it, but my little blog has reached the "Terrible Twos" already—guess I should set up a trust fund soon! Thanks again to my loyal readers for making this thing a treat to do, however self-indulgent it might be on my part…
THIS JUST IN…
We’re officially in a recession, according to the economic experts! And did you know that George Michael is gay and that Dolly Parton wears wigs? Gee, what other earth-shattering revelations will they uncover next?
And according to said so-called "experts", we’ve been in this recession for a whole year now. The average recession lasts about ten months and change, so by my count, this one should already be about over…
OH, MOVE OVER ROVER—AND LET OBAMA TAKE OVER
Don’t know about y’all, but I’m very impressed with the way our President-Elect is taking the initiative and trying to get all his ducks in a row and instigate changes for the economy now instead of waiting for January 20th. What’s even more astounding is that the Bushies are actually cooperating with him. Nice to know that Barack ain’t just happy to be there—the man truly wants to accomplish something. Given the gravity of our current situation, I say let’s waive tradition and put the man in office now instead of waiting another seven weeks—at this point, Dubya is about as relevant as "Scarecrow & Mrs. King" reruns anyway.
SPEAKING OF #43…
I threw up in my mouth a little when the fool finally admitted he had regrets about the whole WMD thing that lead to his invading Iraq. Sure, now he’s sorry—over 4,000 lost American lives and billions of wasted taxpayer dollars later. Just go crawl back under your rock, you Neolithic dipshit! And take Cheney with you…
BUT HE DIDN’T SHOOT THE DEPUTY...
"Happiness is a warm gun—bang bang, shoot shoot."—J. Lennon
Let’s hear it for that consummate team player, Plexiglas Burress of the New York football Giants, for helping out his team immensely by getting suspended for the rest of the season after shooting himself in the leg with his own handgun whilst hanging with his entourage at a Gotham City nightclub last week. While it’s true that he probably wasn’t going to play in Sunday’s game vs. Washington anyway because of a hamstring injury, what does this say about his commitment to his team when he’s out partying on the Friday night before a fairly important Sunday divisional game? Just as was the case when tight end Jeremy Shockey missed last year’s playoffs, I predict the G-Men will do just fine without Burress—who has been nothing but a pain in the ass distraction this season—and make it to the Super Bowl again.
NO MORE "CALAMITY & HOLMES"? WHATEVER WILL WE DO?!?
I read the other day where Alan Colmes is leaving the "Hannity & Colmes" yapfest on Faux News Channel soon. Just as well—Colmes is little more than a token liberal shill to offset Sean Hannity (who is your basic conservative schoolyard bully, just like Bill O’Retard) and ostensibly make FNC look "fair and balanced". Watching Colmes engage in debate with Hannity is almost as brutal as watching the anorexic Olsen twin sparring with Mike Tyson. No word yet on Colmes’ replacement, but I’m all in favor of the dude on the right in this photo…
DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
…why is it in the grocery store ads in the paper, they emphasize the word "fresh" so much? Kinda goes without saying, don’t it? We’re talking fresh pork steaks, fresh chicken breasts, Grade A farm fresh eggs, dairy fresh milk etc. I would hope to hell the stuff is fresh! Then again, could you just imagine the deals you could get on the stale stuff?
ANOTHER DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
...if fruitcakes (the edible kind) are so reviled, why are they still made and sold every holiday season? For something that’s about as popular as Jar Jar Binks and has been nothing but a punch line for decades, it’s amazing that they're still produced, let alone that some people actually consume the blasted things! Or could it be that folks use fruitcakes as paperweights and doorstops instead?
CLAP FOR THE WOLF MAN!
Rarely do I listen to the advice of the ever-pompous Keith Olbermann (even though he rips on Bill O’Retard quite vociferously), but I took his suggestion in last week’s SI and checked out this website featuring the work of one young Steve Wolf, who builds his own scale models of classic American ballparks, like the Comiskey Park number he's modeling here. As a stadium aficionado, I’d give most anything to have the time, patience, materials and wherewithal (not to mention the friggin’ talent) to create these little wonders—this guy is good! His attention to detail is meticulous, and I’m most impressed with this man’s work. I bow to you in honor, Mr. Wolf—I’m not worthy!!!
IRRELEVANCE, 101
The Grammy Award nominees were announced last night. Anybody actually care? I don’t, so long as they continue to insist on having people like L’il Wayne and Alison Krauss/Robert Plant in the same category. And I don’t even wanna know what a Ne-Yo is. As for the actual awards broadcast, I’m afraid I’ll have to pass on watching it—I believe I’ll be attending a recital of the poetry of Bob Uecker that night…
WHOLE LOTTA ANGUS
I just finished renting the three-disc DVD set Plug Me In collection featuring scads of vintage live concert clips of AC/DC, and it was surprisingly good, especially the Bon Scott-era offerings. I had only seen maybe 10% of this material before and there’s some pretty cool stuff to be enjoyed here, including a rare live recording of Scott performing "Highway To Hell" not long before his untimely passing. There is also quite a bit of old interview footage, and I have to say that Mr. Scott was far more articulate than I originally gave him credit for being—he always came off to me as a drunken idiot most of the time (á la Jim Morrison), but he was actually quite affable and well-spoken. The DVD also displays what an underrated axe-man Angus Young is—his guitar is almost bigger than he is and his style is most unorthodox, but this little dude is as good as anyone with six strings and a pick. The Brian Johnson-era clips are interesting too, especially the ones where he sings Bon Scott classics like "Girls Got Rhythm" and "Sin City" before his voice started betraying him. They also included a sizeable chunk of a 1983 concert from Houston that was taped just a couple weeks after I saw AC/DC on the Flick Of The Switch tour. Well worth the $22 if you’re looking for a good Rock ‘N’ Roll DVD.
THIS JUST IN…
We’re officially in a recession, according to the economic experts! And did you know that George Michael is gay and that Dolly Parton wears wigs? Gee, what other earth-shattering revelations will they uncover next?
And according to said so-called "experts", we’ve been in this recession for a whole year now. The average recession lasts about ten months and change, so by my count, this one should already be about over…
OH, MOVE OVER ROVER—AND LET OBAMA TAKE OVER
Don’t know about y’all, but I’m very impressed with the way our President-Elect is taking the initiative and trying to get all his ducks in a row and instigate changes for the economy now instead of waiting for January 20th. What’s even more astounding is that the Bushies are actually cooperating with him. Nice to know that Barack ain’t just happy to be there—the man truly wants to accomplish something. Given the gravity of our current situation, I say let’s waive tradition and put the man in office now instead of waiting another seven weeks—at this point, Dubya is about as relevant as "Scarecrow & Mrs. King" reruns anyway.
SPEAKING OF #43…
I threw up in my mouth a little when the fool finally admitted he had regrets about the whole WMD thing that lead to his invading Iraq. Sure, now he’s sorry—over 4,000 lost American lives and billions of wasted taxpayer dollars later. Just go crawl back under your rock, you Neolithic dipshit! And take Cheney with you…
BUT HE DIDN’T SHOOT THE DEPUTY...
"Happiness is a warm gun—bang bang, shoot shoot."—J. Lennon
Let’s hear it for that consummate team player, Plexiglas Burress of the New York football Giants, for helping out his team immensely by getting suspended for the rest of the season after shooting himself in the leg with his own handgun whilst hanging with his entourage at a Gotham City nightclub last week. While it’s true that he probably wasn’t going to play in Sunday’s game vs. Washington anyway because of a hamstring injury, what does this say about his commitment to his team when he’s out partying on the Friday night before a fairly important Sunday divisional game? Just as was the case when tight end Jeremy Shockey missed last year’s playoffs, I predict the G-Men will do just fine without Burress—who has been nothing but a pain in the ass distraction this season—and make it to the Super Bowl again.
NO MORE "CALAMITY & HOLMES"? WHATEVER WILL WE DO?!?
I read the other day where Alan Colmes is leaving the "Hannity & Colmes" yapfest on Faux News Channel soon. Just as well—Colmes is little more than a token liberal shill to offset Sean Hannity (who is your basic conservative schoolyard bully, just like Bill O’Retard) and ostensibly make FNC look "fair and balanced". Watching Colmes engage in debate with Hannity is almost as brutal as watching the anorexic Olsen twin sparring with Mike Tyson. No word yet on Colmes’ replacement, but I’m all in favor of the dude on the right in this photo…DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
…why is it in the grocery store ads in the paper, they emphasize the word "fresh" so much? Kinda goes without saying, don’t it? We’re talking fresh pork steaks, fresh chicken breasts, Grade A farm fresh eggs, dairy fresh milk etc. I would hope to hell the stuff is fresh! Then again, could you just imagine the deals you could get on the stale stuff?
ANOTHER DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
...if fruitcakes (the edible kind) are so reviled, why are they still made and sold every holiday season? For something that’s about as popular as Jar Jar Binks and has been nothing but a punch line for decades, it’s amazing that they're still produced, let alone that some people actually consume the blasted things! Or could it be that folks use fruitcakes as paperweights and doorstops instead?
CLAP FOR THE WOLF MAN!
Rarely do I listen to the advice of the ever-pompous Keith Olbermann (even though he rips on Bill O’Retard quite vociferously), but I took his suggestion in last week’s SI and checked out this website featuring the work of one young Steve Wolf, who builds his own scale models of classic American ballparks, like the Comiskey Park number he's modeling here. As a stadium aficionado, I’d give most anything to have the time, patience, materials and wherewithal (not to mention the friggin’ talent) to create these little wonders—this guy is good! His attention to detail is meticulous, and I’m most impressed with this man’s work. I bow to you in honor, Mr. Wolf—I’m not worthy!!!IRRELEVANCE, 101
The Grammy Award nominees were announced last night. Anybody actually care? I don’t, so long as they continue to insist on having people like L’il Wayne and Alison Krauss/Robert Plant in the same category. And I don’t even wanna know what a Ne-Yo is. As for the actual awards broadcast, I’m afraid I’ll have to pass on watching it—I believe I’ll be attending a recital of the poetry of Bob Uecker that night…
WHOLE LOTTA ANGUS
I just finished renting the three-disc DVD set Plug Me In collection featuring scads of vintage live concert clips of AC/DC, and it was surprisingly good, especially the Bon Scott-era offerings. I had only seen maybe 10% of this material before and there’s some pretty cool stuff to be enjoyed here, including a rare live recording of Scott performing "Highway To Hell" not long before his untimely passing. There is also quite a bit of old interview footage, and I have to say that Mr. Scott was far more articulate than I originally gave him credit for being—he always came off to me as a drunken idiot most of the time (á la Jim Morrison), but he was actually quite affable and well-spoken. The DVD also displays what an underrated axe-man Angus Young is—his guitar is almost bigger than he is and his style is most unorthodox, but this little dude is as good as anyone with six strings and a pick. The Brian Johnson-era clips are interesting too, especially the ones where he sings Bon Scott classics like "Girls Got Rhythm" and "Sin City" before his voice started betraying him. They also included a sizeable chunk of a 1983 concert from Houston that was taped just a couple weeks after I saw AC/DC on the Flick Of The Switch tour. Well worth the $22 if you’re looking for a good Rock ‘N’ Roll DVD.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Blog City, here we come...
HEARTBREAKER/TRICK-MAKER #1
My alma mater, Raytown South High School, lost a heart-wrenching—albeit very exciting—football game last night in the Missouri Class 5 state championship game at the Ram Dome in St. Louis to local favorites Hazelwood East, 39-34. South fell behind 19-7 at one point, but momentum swung in their favor in the second half, and RS scored a go-ahead TD with just over 30 seconds left. Hazelwood took the ball back down to RS territory and it came down to the very last play of the game with :03 left when their QB heaved up a Hail Mary 29-yard TD pass. D'OH!! Ironically, Hazelwood East is coached by former St. Louis Ram Mike Jones—the same Mike Jones who prevented Tennessee Titan Kevin Dyson from reaching the goal line in Super Bowl 34 on the last play of the game. Therefore, I have no doubt that Dr. Sardonicus would agree with me that this Mike Jones goomer MUST DIE! Just kidding...
Seriously, apart from a couple missed extra points by Hazelwood, it was a very well-played game by both sides, and far more entertaining than many of the NFL games I've watched on TV this season. A disturbing thought occurred to me as I watched, though: Everyone on that field was born in or after 1990, and that makes me feel really old! Anyway, congrats to our mighty Cardinals on a very successful season—you represented Raytown well, gentlemen...
HEARTBREAKER/TRICK-MAKER #2
It was déjà vu all over again this afternoon as my Missouri Tigers had a victory stolen away from them at the very end of the game at the hands of Kansas, 40-37, at Arrowhead Stadium in Part Deux of the neutral site Border War. As sloppy as KU has played in their last couple games, I figured they'd be easy pickin's for Mizzou, but as clichéd as it sounds, I guess it's true what they always say about "throw out the records" when these two play. Oh well, MU gets to hang out at Arrowhead until next Saturday when they play either Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game.
ADIOS, BEP
I saw a blurb in the paper the other day about former NHL player Armand "Bep" Guidolin, who died earlier this week of a stroke at age 82. The Bep-ster made NHL history by being the youngest player to ever skate in the league at age 16. He also made NHL infamy (sort of) as the first head coach of the fledgling expansion Kansas City Scouts from 1974-76, who were really really bad. Ironically, Bep resigned as Scouts head coach right after a game yours truly attended where the Scouts got stomped by the Philadelphia Flyers 7-1 at Kemper Arena. It turned out to be the last Scouts game I ever attended, and it would be ten years before I saw another NHL game live in St. Louis in 1986. Rest in peace, Bep...
Oh, by the way, the flunkies at the Star didn't even bother to mention anything about Bep coaching the Scouts in that little blurb. Oh, that's right—the powers-that-be at the paper panicked and fired everyone on the Sports Dept. staff over the age of 25, so they probably didn't remember...
WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
I was quite disgusted to read today about the poor Wal-Mart employee on Long Island who was literally trampled to death yesterday by an unruly mob of Christmas shoppers who broke down the doors to the store as it opened on (literally, in this case) "Black Friday". In addition, four other people, including a woman eight-month's pregnant, wound up in the hospital as a result of the stampede. I also saw a headline that read "Two men die in shootout at Toys R Us" today. Will someone please explain to me what it is about bargain-hunting that turns some normal sane people into Barbarians this time of year? Get a grip, America!
ANOTHER REASON TO HATE THE SEASON...
These new abysmal Best Buy TV ads featuring these supposed BB employees babbling away about why people shop at their stores this time of year. Duhhhh—it's an obligation to shop at their stores this time of year!
SPEAKING OF BAD TV ADS
I never thought I'd see the day when Ozzy Osbourne would become a corporate shill, but there he was on my TV all day today, hawking cell phones and video games. Keep in mind, kids, this is the same guy who once bit the head off a canary. Rock 'N' Roll Rebel, my ass...
LEMME LEMME UPBRAID YOU
Speaking of singers-turned-corporate shills, as I've watched college football throughout the day, I've been subjected to that annoying "Lemme lemme upgrade you" DirecTV ad featuring Beyoncé (that's about a year old now) at least a dozen times today! Beyoncé is a very talented singer and quite the hottie, but she looks like a total sell-out on these dopey commercials. Even Britney Spears hasn't stooped low enough to do TV ads yet. Or has she?
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #102
"Industrial Disease"—DIRE STRAITS (1983) "They got free speech, tourists, police in trucks..." Somehow, I thought Mark Knopfler was singing about something called "Police Central."
TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY
A letter writer to the K.C. Star in today's edition brilliantly suggested that if Citigroup gets this $25 billion bailout, they should be charged 28.99% interest just like they do to their innocent credit card holders who are late with one freakin' payment. I'm also on board with the New York Mets' new stadium being properly renamed Citi/Taxpayers Field. And, oh yeah, if Citi is in such dire need of financial help, then how is it they can still afford to run their commercials featuring Mary J. Bilge-water all day long during the college football games on ESPN, CBS, et al, huh?
DID I MISS A MEMO?
While scanning the cable dial last night, I stumbled across "That '70s Show" on ABC Family channel. Nothing wrong with that, but I found it rather disingenuous when a character on the show uttered "son-of-a-bitch" on Pat Robertson's little Jesus network, or is that language now deemed okey-dokey by the born-again pinhead crowd?
WELCOME TO THE GRAND RE-OPENING...
...of my bathroom! Yes, folks, my long national nightmare is over, as after 4.5 months, I finally completed work on remodeling my bathroom today, which took far longer than I expected, and ran way over budget too. I still have a bit of tweaking and fine-tuning to do on certain aspects of it, but overall, I'm pretty pleased with the results, as I've pretty much replaced everything except the medicine cabinet (and even that's getting replaced eventually). Now, as Gunnery Sgt. Hartman said in Full Metal Jacket, "even the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!" Once again, special thanks to my good friend Phil Alvarez for all his help and guidance on this project—I am forever in your debt, my friend!
First, a couple "before" pics:
And a few "afters":
And effective immediately, I hereby announce my retirement from the bathroom-remodeling bidness! After this harrowing, stressful and expensive experience, I can honestly proclaim with a fair amount of certainty that I will never ever remodel a bathroom (mine or anyone else's) as long as I live!
My alma mater, Raytown South High School, lost a heart-wrenching—albeit very exciting—football game last night in the Missouri Class 5 state championship game at the Ram Dome in St. Louis to local favorites Hazelwood East, 39-34. South fell behind 19-7 at one point, but momentum swung in their favor in the second half, and RS scored a go-ahead TD with just over 30 seconds left. Hazelwood took the ball back down to RS territory and it came down to the very last play of the game with :03 left when their QB heaved up a Hail Mary 29-yard TD pass. D'OH!! Ironically, Hazelwood East is coached by former St. Louis Ram Mike Jones—the same Mike Jones who prevented Tennessee Titan Kevin Dyson from reaching the goal line in Super Bowl 34 on the last play of the game. Therefore, I have no doubt that Dr. Sardonicus would agree with me that this Mike Jones goomer MUST DIE! Just kidding...
Seriously, apart from a couple missed extra points by Hazelwood, it was a very well-played game by both sides, and far more entertaining than many of the NFL games I've watched on TV this season. A disturbing thought occurred to me as I watched, though: Everyone on that field was born in or after 1990, and that makes me feel really old! Anyway, congrats to our mighty Cardinals on a very successful season—you represented Raytown well, gentlemen...
HEARTBREAKER/TRICK-MAKER #2
It was déjà vu all over again this afternoon as my Missouri Tigers had a victory stolen away from them at the very end of the game at the hands of Kansas, 40-37, at Arrowhead Stadium in Part Deux of the neutral site Border War. As sloppy as KU has played in their last couple games, I figured they'd be easy pickin's for Mizzou, but as clichéd as it sounds, I guess it's true what they always say about "throw out the records" when these two play. Oh well, MU gets to hang out at Arrowhead until next Saturday when they play either Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game.
ADIOS, BEP
I saw a blurb in the paper the other day about former NHL player Armand "Bep" Guidolin, who died earlier this week of a stroke at age 82. The Bep-ster made NHL history by being the youngest player to ever skate in the league at age 16. He also made NHL infamy (sort of) as the first head coach of the fledgling expansion Kansas City Scouts from 1974-76, who were really really bad. Ironically, Bep resigned as Scouts head coach right after a game yours truly attended where the Scouts got stomped by the Philadelphia Flyers 7-1 at Kemper Arena. It turned out to be the last Scouts game I ever attended, and it would be ten years before I saw another NHL game live in St. Louis in 1986. Rest in peace, Bep...
Oh, by the way, the flunkies at the Star didn't even bother to mention anything about Bep coaching the Scouts in that little blurb. Oh, that's right—the powers-that-be at the paper panicked and fired everyone on the Sports Dept. staff over the age of 25, so they probably didn't remember...
WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
I was quite disgusted to read today about the poor Wal-Mart employee on Long Island who was literally trampled to death yesterday by an unruly mob of Christmas shoppers who broke down the doors to the store as it opened on (literally, in this case) "Black Friday". In addition, four other people, including a woman eight-month's pregnant, wound up in the hospital as a result of the stampede. I also saw a headline that read "Two men die in shootout at Toys R Us" today. Will someone please explain to me what it is about bargain-hunting that turns some normal sane people into Barbarians this time of year? Get a grip, America!
ANOTHER REASON TO HATE THE SEASON...
These new abysmal Best Buy TV ads featuring these supposed BB employees babbling away about why people shop at their stores this time of year. Duhhhh—it's an obligation to shop at their stores this time of year!
SPEAKING OF BAD TV ADS
I never thought I'd see the day when Ozzy Osbourne would become a corporate shill, but there he was on my TV all day today, hawking cell phones and video games. Keep in mind, kids, this is the same guy who once bit the head off a canary. Rock 'N' Roll Rebel, my ass...
LEMME LEMME UPBRAID YOU
Speaking of singers-turned-corporate shills, as I've watched college football throughout the day, I've been subjected to that annoying "Lemme lemme upgrade you" DirecTV ad featuring Beyoncé (that's about a year old now) at least a dozen times today! Beyoncé is a very talented singer and quite the hottie, but she looks like a total sell-out on these dopey commercials. Even Britney Spears hasn't stooped low enough to do TV ads yet. Or has she?
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #102
"Industrial Disease"—DIRE STRAITS (1983) "They got free speech, tourists, police in trucks..." Somehow, I thought Mark Knopfler was singing about something called "Police Central."
TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY
A letter writer to the K.C. Star in today's edition brilliantly suggested that if Citigroup gets this $25 billion bailout, they should be charged 28.99% interest just like they do to their innocent credit card holders who are late with one freakin' payment. I'm also on board with the New York Mets' new stadium being properly renamed Citi/Taxpayers Field. And, oh yeah, if Citi is in such dire need of financial help, then how is it they can still afford to run their commercials featuring Mary J. Bilge-water all day long during the college football games on ESPN, CBS, et al, huh?
DID I MISS A MEMO?
While scanning the cable dial last night, I stumbled across "That '70s Show" on ABC Family channel. Nothing wrong with that, but I found it rather disingenuous when a character on the show uttered "son-of-a-bitch" on Pat Robertson's little Jesus network, or is that language now deemed okey-dokey by the born-again pinhead crowd?
WELCOME TO THE GRAND RE-OPENING...
...of my bathroom! Yes, folks, my long national nightmare is over, as after 4.5 months, I finally completed work on remodeling my bathroom today, which took far longer than I expected, and ran way over budget too. I still have a bit of tweaking and fine-tuning to do on certain aspects of it, but overall, I'm pretty pleased with the results, as I've pretty much replaced everything except the medicine cabinet (and even that's getting replaced eventually). Now, as Gunnery Sgt. Hartman said in Full Metal Jacket, "even the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!" Once again, special thanks to my good friend Phil Alvarez for all his help and guidance on this project—I am forever in your debt, my friend!
First, a couple "before" pics:
And a few "afters":
And effective immediately, I hereby announce my retirement from the bathroom-remodeling bidness! After this harrowing, stressful and expensive experience, I can honestly proclaim with a fair amount of certainty that I will never ever remodel a bathroom (mine or anyone else's) as long as I live!
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