Saturday, January 20, 2007
Great Moments In Radio, Volume II
This story comes via the engineer I worked with at our little station in Blue Springs. He was previously a DJ in the late ‘60s at KUDL-FM in Kansas City when that station changed music formats with alarming frequency, and during one such switcheroo, the station went from middle-of-the-road Geritol-generation Perry Como/Dinah Shore/Bing Crosby music to Rock & Roll. One evening, he gets a call from this old lady bitching about the music, "This is terrible! What on earth is that?" "It’s Jimi Hendrix, ma’am," he replied. "Well that’s awful—you shouldn’t play that kind of music on the radio, blah blah blah." Well, this old hag would call him every night bitching about the music, until finally he could no longer take it, and one night he went off on her and said, "Oh, go fuck yourself, lady!" Next day, he went to the station manager and told him what happened just to cover his ass, and the manager said, "Yeah, she’s been calling me too—don’t worry about it." Sure enough, the old hag calls the manager that day, and says, "Your disc jockey last night was very rude and used profanity, blah blah blah." The station manager replied, "Did he tell you to go fuck yourself?" "Yes, he surely did!" she said, to which he replied, "Well, DO IT!"
So long, Mr. Harbor Master
Was very saddened to learn today of the death of former Mamas & Papas singer Denny Doherty at age 66 from kidney failure. John Phillips always seems to get the lion's share of the credit for that group's success, but Doherty was the unsung hero here. He was a very underrated vocalist--it was his voice you heard most prominently on all their hits harmonizing with Cass Elliot and Michelle Phillips, while John Phillips sang mostly backing vocals.
I refer to Denny as the "Harbor Master" because that's the character he played on this quirky little PBS kids program called "Theodore Tugboat". When I was working evenings back in the late '90s, I often caught the show in the mornings while doing housework and such, and found it to be a total hoot. Doherty voiced all the characters on this live action animated show featuring these little boats that talked and tooled around this miniature city. It was rather inventive, and got its point across to kids without losing its cool and/or being so condescending to kids like that "Barney" and "Teletubbies" drivel.
R.I.P., Denny, you done good...
Thursday, January 18, 2007
World's Dumbest Song Lyrics of All-Time, Vol. II
Again, in no particular order
"Play Me"—NEIL DIAMOND (1972) "Songs she sang to me/Songs she brang to me." Brang?!?!? A in’t no such word as "brang"! Unfortunately, neither the words "brought" or "provided" rhymed with "sang", so Brother Neil just made up a word…
"Just Like Paradise"—DAVID LEE ROTH (1988) "Susie’s woozy." Diamond Dave will never be renowned for his brilliant lyricism. Too bad, in this particular case, because he spoiled a really good song simply for a cheap and easy rhyme.
"Gimme Some Slack"—THE CARS (1980) "I wanna shake like LaGuardia…" Huh? Are we referring to LaGuardia, the man or La Guardia, the airport here? Either way, it’s too abstract for my feeble brain to deal with. Ric Ocasek’s lyrics always were pretty strange. In the words of the late Keith Moon: "Arty-farty, he is!"
"The Look"—ROXETTE (1988) "Kissing is the wet sand…her loving is a wild dog" They should have renamed this song "Things That Make You Go ‘Huh?’" "What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue?" Well, cutting off her air supply is one way…
"Blinded By The Light"—BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (1973)/MANFRED MANN’S EARTH BAND (1976) What the hell was Bruce smoking when he wrote this song? Someone find out because I want some. I could probably write a whole book about this song, but I don't have the time at the moment. I always misunderstood the line "Wrapped up like a deuce" to be "Wrapped up like a douche"!
"My Love, My Life"—ABBA (1977) "I know I don’t possess you/So, go away, God bless you." Well ain’t that a fine how do ya do? Go away, and God bless you at the same time?!? I'm confused…
"Bad Medicine"—BON JOVI (1986) "Your love is like bad medicine/Bad medicine is what I need." Thanks, Big Jon! Your words are like dumb lyrics, and dumb lyrics are what I need…
"Aqualung"—JETHRO TULL (1971) "…as he bends to pick a dog end." What the fuck’s a dog end? And why on earth would you want to pick one?
"Take Me To The Pilot"—ELTON JOHN (1970) "If you feel that it’s real, I’m on trial/And I’m held here in your prison…Through a glass eye, your throne is the one danger zone/Take me to the pilot for control/Take me to the pilot of your soul." Another classic case of lyrics that sound really cool when you sing them, but don’t make a lick of sense!
"MacArthur Park"—RICHARD HARRIS (1968)/DONNA SUMMER (1978) Let me get this straight—there’s this cake named after a dead General and a park and someone left it outside in the rain causing it to melt and on top of all that, the dumbass that baked it lost the damn recipe? And this was considered topical enough to write a song about? Okey-fine…
"Love The One You're With"--STEPHEN STILLS (1970) "She's a girl, and you're a boy..." Gee thanks for clearing that up, Steve! As Archie Bunker once said to Edith, "Well, now that we know what we are, can we GET ON with it?!?"
"A Horse With No Name"--AMERICA (1972) "The heat was hot, and the ground was dry..." Direct from the Department of Redundancy Department. I do hope the water was wet too…
"Show Me The Way"--PETER FRAMPTON (1973) "Someone drops a cup, and I submerge." This song is chuck-full of oddball lyrics like this one, yet somehow, it was a huge hit when the live version came out in '76. Anyone have a clue here? I don't…
"Play Me"—NEIL DIAMOND (1972) "Songs she sang to me/Songs she brang to me." Brang?!?!? A in’t no such word as "brang"! Unfortunately, neither the words "brought" or "provided" rhymed with "sang", so Brother Neil just made up a word…
"Just Like Paradise"—DAVID LEE ROTH (1988) "Susie’s woozy." Diamond Dave will never be renowned for his brilliant lyricism. Too bad, in this particular case, because he spoiled a really good song simply for a cheap and easy rhyme.
"Gimme Some Slack"—THE CARS (1980) "I wanna shake like LaGuardia…" Huh? Are we referring to LaGuardia, the man or La Guardia, the airport here? Either way, it’s too abstract for my feeble brain to deal with. Ric Ocasek’s lyrics always were pretty strange. In the words of the late Keith Moon: "Arty-farty, he is!"
"The Look"—ROXETTE (1988) "Kissing is the wet sand…her loving is a wild dog" They should have renamed this song "Things That Make You Go ‘Huh?’" "What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue?" Well, cutting off her air supply is one way…
"Blinded By The Light"—BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN (1973)/MANFRED MANN’S EARTH BAND (1976) What the hell was Bruce smoking when he wrote this song? Someone find out because I want some. I could probably write a whole book about this song, but I don't have the time at the moment. I always misunderstood the line "Wrapped up like a deuce" to be "Wrapped up like a douche"!
"My Love, My Life"—ABBA (1977) "I know I don’t possess you/So, go away, God bless you." Well ain’t that a fine how do ya do? Go away, and God bless you at the same time?!? I'm confused…
"Bad Medicine"—BON JOVI (1986) "Your love is like bad medicine/Bad medicine is what I need." Thanks, Big Jon! Your words are like dumb lyrics, and dumb lyrics are what I need…
"Aqualung"—JETHRO TULL (1971) "…as he bends to pick a dog end." What the fuck’s a dog end? And why on earth would you want to pick one?
"Take Me To The Pilot"—ELTON JOHN (1970) "If you feel that it’s real, I’m on trial/And I’m held here in your prison…Through a glass eye, your throne is the one danger zone/Take me to the pilot for control/Take me to the pilot of your soul." Another classic case of lyrics that sound really cool when you sing them, but don’t make a lick of sense!
"MacArthur Park"—RICHARD HARRIS (1968)/DONNA SUMMER (1978) Let me get this straight—there’s this cake named after a dead General and a park and someone left it outside in the rain causing it to melt and on top of all that, the dumbass that baked it lost the damn recipe? And this was considered topical enough to write a song about? Okey-fine…
"Love The One You're With"--STEPHEN STILLS (1970) "She's a girl, and you're a boy..." Gee thanks for clearing that up, Steve! As Archie Bunker once said to Edith, "Well, now that we know what we are, can we GET ON with it?!?"
"A Horse With No Name"--AMERICA (1972) "The heat was hot, and the ground was dry..." Direct from the Department of Redundancy Department. I do hope the water was wet too…
"Show Me The Way"--PETER FRAMPTON (1973) "Someone drops a cup, and I submerge." This song is chuck-full of oddball lyrics like this one, yet somehow, it was a huge hit when the live version came out in '76. Anyone have a clue here? I don't…
This and that...
BEGONE, SUPERCILIOUS TWITS!
Is there anyone else who’s as tired as I am of hearing about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? Does anyone really give a damn that they’ve adopted some poor Guatemalan child (or whatever God-forsaken country their kid’s from)? These two are nothing but publicity whores to begin with, and I’m sorry folks, neither of them are worth it! Jolie, in particular, is insanely overrated (both in terms of beauty and acting ability), and Pitt’s an idiot for dumping Jennifer Aniston (who’s 100 times prettier) in favor of this airhead. Today’s headline sez they’re moving to New Orleans so they can operate their opportunistic "save the world from itself one-child-at-a-time" crusade from there. Whatever, kids…
WHY OBAMA?
Can someone explain to me why all of a sudden this Barack Obama guy is considered a potential candidate for President in ’08? Don’t get me wrong—I am certainly ALL FOR some fresh faces and new ideas in Washington, but why is this guy suddenly everyone's sexy choice to be Prez? I realize the Democraps are desperate for someone—ANYONE—to trot out there and lead them, but this guy with the terrible initials has only been in Congress a short while, so what’s so special about him? Surely, it’s not just on the strength of the big speech he gave at the Dem. Convention in ’04 alone, is it? The fact that he’s black doesn’t bother me at all (hell, I’ll take a PLAID President at this point, if he’s worth a damn!), but I just don’t get how someone can just suddenly come along out of nowhere and get everyone’s tongues wagging over him when he hasn’t really done anything.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #1
Ringo Starr--"Oh My My" (1974): "It’s guaranteed to keep you alive…" When I first heard this song at age 9 on the ol’ AM radio, I thought he was singing, "This parakeet should keep you alive…"!
COME BACK WHEN YOU GROW UP
It’s rare that I would even have an opinion on professional golf, but why is it every other weekend I tune into ESPN and hear about Michelle Wie not making the cut in some men’s tournament? Seems to me she isn’t even good enough to beat other women right now. Can you say "overmatched"?
SPEND IT LIKE BECKHAM
I can’t believe no one’s used that headline yet! The soccer world in America is all in a whirl over the L.A. Galaxy’s signing of David Beckham for 250 million semolians just to kick a ball around for Major League Soccer. Yes, I know he’s world-renowned and a great player and married to Skanky Spice and all, but this whole thing smacks of desperation on the part of a struggling league hard up to sell tickets—the guy ain’t THAT good! It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if they go after that French head-butt butt-head Zinedine Zidane too. The old North American Soocer League prostituted itself around and snagged over-the-hill South American and European stars like Pele and Giorgio Chinaglia, et al, to play for them in the late ‘70s, and while it yielded great initial results at the turnstiles, they paid through the nose for it in the long run and the league went bankrupt by the mid ‘80s. I predict the same thing happening in MLS, and as for Beckham, I think he’s more style-over-substance than anything else—he’ll fill the seats for a year or two, not to mention provide plenty of tabloid fodder, but eventually people will get bored with and cease giving a hoot about him (and Skanky Spice) anymore.
YER NOT FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YA?
Speaking of British guys, I love this story about the TV show "The Nanny". Seems that several viewers complained during the course of the show’s run that actor Charles Shaughnessy, who played tight-ass Mr. Sheffield, didn’t sound "British" enough, even though he’s from merry ol' England. Many often asked why he couldn’t sound more like the guy who played Niles the Butler (Daniel Davis). What cracks me up about all this is that Mr. Davis hails from Arkansas, yet was able to pull off a British accent better than the British guy!
ONE OF MY FAVORITE JOKES OF ALL-TIME
Q: What's the difference between the Lawrence Welk Orchestra and a moose?
A: For one thing, a moose has its horns in the front and its asshole in the rear...
Is there anyone else who’s as tired as I am of hearing about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt? Does anyone really give a damn that they’ve adopted some poor Guatemalan child (or whatever God-forsaken country their kid’s from)? These two are nothing but publicity whores to begin with, and I’m sorry folks, neither of them are worth it! Jolie, in particular, is insanely overrated (both in terms of beauty and acting ability), and Pitt’s an idiot for dumping Jennifer Aniston (who’s 100 times prettier) in favor of this airhead. Today’s headline sez they’re moving to New Orleans so they can operate their opportunistic "save the world from itself one-child-at-a-time" crusade from there. Whatever, kids…
WHY OBAMA?
Can someone explain to me why all of a sudden this Barack Obama guy is considered a potential candidate for President in ’08? Don’t get me wrong—I am certainly ALL FOR some fresh faces and new ideas in Washington, but why is this guy suddenly everyone's sexy choice to be Prez? I realize the Democraps are desperate for someone—ANYONE—to trot out there and lead them, but this guy with the terrible initials has only been in Congress a short while, so what’s so special about him? Surely, it’s not just on the strength of the big speech he gave at the Dem. Convention in ’04 alone, is it? The fact that he’s black doesn’t bother me at all (hell, I’ll take a PLAID President at this point, if he’s worth a damn!), but I just don’t get how someone can just suddenly come along out of nowhere and get everyone’s tongues wagging over him when he hasn’t really done anything.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #1
Ringo Starr--"Oh My My" (1974): "It’s guaranteed to keep you alive…" When I first heard this song at age 9 on the ol’ AM radio, I thought he was singing, "This parakeet should keep you alive…"!
COME BACK WHEN YOU GROW UP
It’s rare that I would even have an opinion on professional golf, but why is it every other weekend I tune into ESPN and hear about Michelle Wie not making the cut in some men’s tournament? Seems to me she isn’t even good enough to beat other women right now. Can you say "overmatched"?
SPEND IT LIKE BECKHAM
I can’t believe no one’s used that headline yet! The soccer world in America is all in a whirl over the L.A. Galaxy’s signing of David Beckham for 250 million semolians just to kick a ball around for Major League Soccer. Yes, I know he’s world-renowned and a great player and married to Skanky Spice and all, but this whole thing smacks of desperation on the part of a struggling league hard up to sell tickets—the guy ain’t THAT good! It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if they go after that French head-butt butt-head Zinedine Zidane too. The old North American Soocer League prostituted itself around and snagged over-the-hill South American and European stars like Pele and Giorgio Chinaglia, et al, to play for them in the late ‘70s, and while it yielded great initial results at the turnstiles, they paid through the nose for it in the long run and the league went bankrupt by the mid ‘80s. I predict the same thing happening in MLS, and as for Beckham, I think he’s more style-over-substance than anything else—he’ll fill the seats for a year or two, not to mention provide plenty of tabloid fodder, but eventually people will get bored with and cease giving a hoot about him (and Skanky Spice) anymore.
YER NOT FROM AROUND HERE, ARE YA?
Speaking of British guys, I love this story about the TV show "The Nanny". Seems that several viewers complained during the course of the show’s run that actor Charles Shaughnessy, who played tight-ass Mr. Sheffield, didn’t sound "British" enough, even though he’s from merry ol' England. Many often asked why he couldn’t sound more like the guy who played Niles the Butler (Daniel Davis). What cracks me up about all this is that Mr. Davis hails from Arkansas, yet was able to pull off a British accent better than the British guy!
ONE OF MY FAVORITE JOKES OF ALL-TIME
Q: What's the difference between the Lawrence Welk Orchestra and a moose?
A: For one thing, a moose has its horns in the front and its asshole in the rear...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
The continued pussification of America...
It's late here, but I have to rant after noting that they're closing the schools AGAIN tomorrow around most of the city here, in spite of the fact that there ain't a damn thing wrong with the roads! Okay, it was like 0°F this morning, thus why they closed the schools today, even though most of the roads were clear and passable, yet it took me ten minutes less to get home from work today than it normally does. Meantime, tomorrow morning's forecast isn't quite as cold, and the high is supposed to be ABOVE freezing tomorrow, yet many of the area's school districts are closing anyway! In the words of Col. Potter on "M*A*S*H", "Mule fritters!"
At the risk of this sounding like sour grapes, it took a fucking act of Congress to get them to close the schools 30 years ago when I was a student! As much as I used to love pining to hear "Raytown Consolidated School District #2" mentioned on the radio at 4AM on the official school closing list when I was 13, I now find it rather repugnant that they seemingly close the freakin' schools nowadays every time a dark cloud hovers overhead. And I certainly don't remember them EVER closing the schools because it was too cold out—WE were expected to suck it up and freeze to death at the bus stop. Sadly, the school districts are now so paranoid about potential lawsuits in the event a bus full of kids goes off in a ditch in the snow, etc., they evidently have no choice but to close the schools at the drop of a hat.
Hell, in early 1977, the Raytown school district dilly-dallied during a freezing-rain event (as they call them on the Weather Channel now) and waited until the last minute to call off school. My Dad and I were totally unaware of this fact, thus he drove me to school that day, and I waited and waited for the janitor to unlock the door to let me in. When he finally did, he informed me that school had been called off for the day. Thus, I wound up walking—er uh, sliding—the 1.5 miles back home, falling on my ass twice in the process. It was more than a tad ironical (pun intended) that the big hit song on the charts that week was Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away"...
At the risk of this sounding like sour grapes, it took a fucking act of Congress to get them to close the schools 30 years ago when I was a student! As much as I used to love pining to hear "Raytown Consolidated School District #2" mentioned on the radio at 4AM on the official school closing list when I was 13, I now find it rather repugnant that they seemingly close the freakin' schools nowadays every time a dark cloud hovers overhead. And I certainly don't remember them EVER closing the schools because it was too cold out—WE were expected to suck it up and freeze to death at the bus stop. Sadly, the school districts are now so paranoid about potential lawsuits in the event a bus full of kids goes off in a ditch in the snow, etc., they evidently have no choice but to close the schools at the drop of a hat.
Hell, in early 1977, the Raytown school district dilly-dallied during a freezing-rain event (as they call them on the Weather Channel now) and waited until the last minute to call off school. My Dad and I were totally unaware of this fact, thus he drove me to school that day, and I waited and waited for the janitor to unlock the door to let me in. When he finally did, he informed me that school had been called off for the day. Thus, I wound up walking—er uh, sliding—the 1.5 miles back home, falling on my ass twice in the process. It was more than a tad ironical (pun intended) that the big hit song on the charts that week was Paul Simon's "Slip Slidin' Away"...
Fallen Idols
My apologies for the length of this post, but please indulge me a bit here, if you will...
"It’s not the pain that hurts—what hurts is finding out that one of your idols is a real asshole!"
Those are the words of a cocktail waitress at the famed Troubadour nightclub in L.A. who was accidentally punched by an out-of-control and drunk-off-his-ass John Lennon in 1974 at a Smothers Brothers show, during one of Lennon’s infamous lost weekends while separated from Yoko Ono. Although I’ve never been assaulted by one of my idols, I can relate to that quote in terms of watching those who I once worshipped go over to the Dark Side, so to speak. I guess it’s a sign of my own personal growth that I’m able to sort through the B.S. and see them for who they really are now, but it still sucks to realize they aren’t (or never quite were) the person I idolized when I was young.
The poster child for this phenomenon is Ted Nugent. When I was 14, I wanted to BE Ted Nugent. His music was loud and testosterony—perfectly suited for adolescents like me. I Ioved his attitude in concert: "Anybody wants to get mellow, you can turn around and get the fuck outta here!" I still love his music today (and always will), but I’ve grown really weary of all the right-wing psuedo-patriot histrionics he spews forth now via TV interviews, as well as his own radio show and lame reality TV show. Nugent has always had a big mouth, to be sure, but back in 1978, his cockiness and bravado were funny and rather endearing. Now it’s all just pure arrogant macho bullshit in my eyes.
My current distaste for Nugent began in the late ‘90s when he started portraying himself as "Mr. Conservative Family Values Man"—riiiight. This coming from a guy who played on-stage wearing nothing but a loin cloth, not to mention a guy who has had more paternity suits slapped on him than Hugh Grant. Conservative, my ass! Then he started kissing up to the Republican Party, campaigning for Dubya under the guise of being a "patriotic American", when I know damn well it was all just to ensure he and his NRA buddies could keep their precious guns.
My my, what raging paranoia these NRA-types have, by the way! Just for the record, my official stance on guns is if you just have to have them, fine, whatever, but they are way too easy to obtain in this country (witness Columbine, et al) and there need to be stricter gun laws to keep them out of the wrong hands. Oh yeah, one more thing: don't bash me just because I choose NOT to own a gun—this means YOU, Ted! I'm the last person you want owning a gun anyway—if I did, every barking dog within 200 yards of my house would be dead. But, I digress...
Long about that same time, Nugent got on this bigoted "Get out of America if you can’t speak English" kick during his concerts, which had absolutely nothing to do with the performances thereof, and I was really turned-off by it. When I attend a concert, I’m there to be entertained, not to be fed a bunch of radical right-wing political folderol and/or racism, and Ted crosses the line time and time again. I also find it highly hypocritical on his part to malign Hispanic people when his own bass player's last name is Mendoza, yet he constantly refers to him as a "blood brother"! Nuge has also been known to spout off about gays, liberals and anyone else who isn’t "just like him" and while Ted’s entitled to his opinions, I personally think he’s talking out of his ass most of the time now. The real shame about it is he can still play guitar with the best of them, but he doesn’t seem to care that much about his musical career anymore. There was a time when I’d have walked the proverbial "mile for a Camel" to see Nugent in concert—now I wouldn’t even walk to the end of my back yard to see him play because he’s become such an insufferable jackoff. Hey Ted, why don't you take the late Frank Zappa's advice: "Shut up and play yer guitar!"
As much as I love Kiss, Gene Simmons is another of the idols of my youth who’s become a major disappointment to me in recent years. While not nearly as offensive as Nugent, this once-great Rock & Roll warrior whom I idolized when I was 12 has revealed himself to be a total money-grubber and egomaniac, all the while pissing all over his own band’s legacy. True, the whole merchandising thing was part of the Kiss arsenal 30 years ago, but it seemed innocent enough then. Now, it’s become a joke to watch Simmons (and Paul Stanley, to a much lesser extent) look for every possible way to milk a buck off the band’s name to the point where you can now buy everything from Kiss tampons to your very own Kiss casket ("Death, I hear you calling…"). Sebastian Bach of Skid Row accurately pointed out recently that the ultimate piece of merchandise for the average Kiss fan right now would be a new Kiss album, but Gene doesn’t seem interested in providing the fans with one of those anytime soon.
Meanwhile (with all due respect to Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer—both fine musicians, indeed), the band itself now looks more like a Kiss tribute band than the real thing. Five years ago, it would have been unfathomable that I would miss a Kiss concert in Kansas City, but they’ve been through here twice since then and I passed both times—it’s just not the same without Ace and Peter, and it’s mostly because of Simmons that they are no longer in the band. Gene’s insatiable ego also manifests itself in other ways, like his lame reality show "Family Jewels", not to mention his arrogant claim to have had sex with 3,000 women (or whatever his current figure is). Give me a break already—if he’d tried to fuck that many women, he’d be dead by now!
A couple years back, I nearly lost all respect for Simmons when he showed up on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" to obstensibly play the game, when he was really there just to hawk his latest tell-all/Ace-and-Peter-bashing book, and the fucker didn't even know what a pachyderm was! Then I wanted to hurl when I found out the fire-breathing, blood-spitting demon I once idolized was also hawking his book on "The View" (witness this photo) with Baba Wawa and Co. See also my beer commercial rant on him a few posts back. Gene still talks a good game about how the fans are #1 and that he still cares about the music and all, but I'm not buying it anymore. I'd rather watch the old videos of then it was real...
Ted and Gene are just two examples, with another being Eddie Van Halen (whom I previously discussed a couple posts back), and I'd even include Danny Bonaduce in that league (although I never really idolized him all that much). I guess it's a testament to my own maturity that I'm not all starry-eyed and blindly worshipping these guys anymore. Still, I can't help but feel betrayed sometimes...
"It’s not the pain that hurts—what hurts is finding out that one of your idols is a real asshole!"
Those are the words of a cocktail waitress at the famed Troubadour nightclub in L.A. who was accidentally punched by an out-of-control and drunk-off-his-ass John Lennon in 1974 at a Smothers Brothers show, during one of Lennon’s infamous lost weekends while separated from Yoko Ono. Although I’ve never been assaulted by one of my idols, I can relate to that quote in terms of watching those who I once worshipped go over to the Dark Side, so to speak. I guess it’s a sign of my own personal growth that I’m able to sort through the B.S. and see them for who they really are now, but it still sucks to realize they aren’t (or never quite were) the person I idolized when I was young.
The poster child for this phenomenon is Ted Nugent. When I was 14, I wanted to BE Ted Nugent. His music was loud and testosterony—perfectly suited for adolescents like me. I Ioved his attitude in concert: "Anybody wants to get mellow, you can turn around and get the fuck outta here!" I still love his music today (and always will), but I’ve grown really weary of all the right-wing psuedo-patriot histrionics he spews forth now via TV interviews, as well as his own radio show and lame reality TV show. Nugent has always had a big mouth, to be sure, but back in 1978, his cockiness and bravado were funny and rather endearing. Now it’s all just pure arrogant macho bullshit in my eyes.
My current distaste for Nugent began in the late ‘90s when he started portraying himself as "Mr. Conservative Family Values Man"—riiiight. This coming from a guy who played on-stage wearing nothing but a loin cloth, not to mention a guy who has had more paternity suits slapped on him than Hugh Grant. Conservative, my ass! Then he started kissing up to the Republican Party, campaigning for Dubya under the guise of being a "patriotic American", when I know damn well it was all just to ensure he and his NRA buddies could keep their precious guns.
My my, what raging paranoia these NRA-types have, by the way! Just for the record, my official stance on guns is if you just have to have them, fine, whatever, but they are way too easy to obtain in this country (witness Columbine, et al) and there need to be stricter gun laws to keep them out of the wrong hands. Oh yeah, one more thing: don't bash me just because I choose NOT to own a gun—this means YOU, Ted! I'm the last person you want owning a gun anyway—if I did, every barking dog within 200 yards of my house would be dead. But, I digress...
Long about that same time, Nugent got on this bigoted "Get out of America if you can’t speak English" kick during his concerts, which had absolutely nothing to do with the performances thereof, and I was really turned-off by it. When I attend a concert, I’m there to be entertained, not to be fed a bunch of radical right-wing political folderol and/or racism, and Ted crosses the line time and time again. I also find it highly hypocritical on his part to malign Hispanic people when his own bass player's last name is Mendoza, yet he constantly refers to him as a "blood brother"! Nuge has also been known to spout off about gays, liberals and anyone else who isn’t "just like him" and while Ted’s entitled to his opinions, I personally think he’s talking out of his ass most of the time now. The real shame about it is he can still play guitar with the best of them, but he doesn’t seem to care that much about his musical career anymore. There was a time when I’d have walked the proverbial "mile for a Camel" to see Nugent in concert—now I wouldn’t even walk to the end of my back yard to see him play because he’s become such an insufferable jackoff. Hey Ted, why don't you take the late Frank Zappa's advice: "Shut up and play yer guitar!"
As much as I love Kiss, Gene Simmons is another of the idols of my youth who’s become a major disappointment to me in recent years. While not nearly as offensive as Nugent, this once-great Rock & Roll warrior whom I idolized when I was 12 has revealed himself to be a total money-grubber and egomaniac, all the while pissing all over his own band’s legacy. True, the whole merchandising thing was part of the Kiss arsenal 30 years ago, but it seemed innocent enough then. Now, it’s become a joke to watch Simmons (and Paul Stanley, to a much lesser extent) look for every possible way to milk a buck off the band’s name to the point where you can now buy everything from Kiss tampons to your very own Kiss casket ("Death, I hear you calling…"). Sebastian Bach of Skid Row accurately pointed out recently that the ultimate piece of merchandise for the average Kiss fan right now would be a new Kiss album, but Gene doesn’t seem interested in providing the fans with one of those anytime soon.
Meanwhile (with all due respect to Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer—both fine musicians, indeed), the band itself now looks more like a Kiss tribute band than the real thing. Five years ago, it would have been unfathomable that I would miss a Kiss concert in Kansas City, but they’ve been through here twice since then and I passed both times—it’s just not the same without Ace and Peter, and it’s mostly because of Simmons that they are no longer in the band. Gene’s insatiable ego also manifests itself in other ways, like his lame reality show "Family Jewels", not to mention his arrogant claim to have had sex with 3,000 women (or whatever his current figure is). Give me a break already—if he’d tried to fuck that many women, he’d be dead by now!
Ted and Gene are just two examples, with another being Eddie Van Halen (whom I previously discussed a couple posts back), and I'd even include Danny Bonaduce in that league (although I never really idolized him all that much). I guess it's a testament to my own maturity that I'm not all starry-eyed and blindly worshipping these guys anymore. Still, I can't help but feel betrayed sometimes...
Great Moments In Radio--Volume I
My radio career might’ve been brief, but it yielded more than a fair amount of funny stories, which I’ll share from time to time here.
Back in 1987 at the "Mighty 1030" in Blue Springs, MO, I stumbled across an album in the files one day by Huey "Piano" Smith, who did the original version of "Rockin’ Pnuemonia-Boogie Woogie Flu", which Johnny Rivers later successfully covered in 1972. On the back of the album jacket, someone scrawled a huge note next to that particular track title that read, "DO NOT PLAY—IT SKIPS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE!!!" So, just for shits and grins, I put the record on the turntable (off the air, of course) and sure enough, midway through the line, "I wanna squeeze her, but I’m way too low…" it skipped. Imagine the horror the poor unsuspecting DJ had to deal with: "I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]/I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]/I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]…"
Former CBS News anchor Dan Rather once told a similar story about when he worked in radio back in the '50s and was playing this religious program that was on a vinyl record. The record got stuck on the last three words of the preacher's sermon where he said something like, "If you fail to do so, you will go to hell," whilst Dan was outside smoking a cigarette or something. Thus, the radio audience was treated to a good five minutes-worth of "Go to hell!" Fumble!!!
Back in 1987 at the "Mighty 1030" in Blue Springs, MO, I stumbled across an album in the files one day by Huey "Piano" Smith, who did the original version of "Rockin’ Pnuemonia-Boogie Woogie Flu", which Johnny Rivers later successfully covered in 1972. On the back of the album jacket, someone scrawled a huge note next to that particular track title that read, "DO NOT PLAY—IT SKIPS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE!!!" So, just for shits and grins, I put the record on the turntable (off the air, of course) and sure enough, midway through the line, "I wanna squeeze her, but I’m way too low…" it skipped. Imagine the horror the poor unsuspecting DJ had to deal with: "I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]/I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]/I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]…"
Former CBS News anchor Dan Rather once told a similar story about when he worked in radio back in the '50s and was playing this religious program that was on a vinyl record. The record got stuck on the last three words of the preacher's sermon where he said something like, "If you fail to do so, you will go to hell," whilst Dan was outside smoking a cigarette or something. Thus, the radio audience was treated to a good five minutes-worth of "Go to hell!" Fumble!!!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I'm so damn thankful...
...I don't have to wake up next to either of these creatures on a regular basis! In the words of Fred Sanford: "I'd rather kiss Mighty Joe Young's armpit!" Fuck that--even kissing Meat Loaf's armpit would be a step in the right direction!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I gots my questions...
A few thoughts to ponder...
—Are clams really all that happy?
—Is rain always right?
—Is pie truly that easy?
—Are dogs actually that sick?
—Should we do an autopsy on door nails?
—Are mice all that quiet?
—Are rocks always solid?
—Should we be impressed with minds like steel traps?
—Is the sky the true limit?
—Is snot really that slick?
—Do the eyes really have it?
—How light is air, really?
—Is gold all that good?
—Are sheets always white?
—Are whips all that smart?
—Are machines usually that well-oiled?
—What is the exact I.Q. of box of rocks?
—Do logs actually sleep?
—Are clams really all that happy?
—Is rain always right?
—Is pie truly that easy?
—Are dogs actually that sick?
—Should we do an autopsy on door nails?
—Are mice all that quiet?
—Are rocks always solid?
—Should we be impressed with minds like steel traps?
—Is the sky the true limit?
—Is snot really that slick?
—Do the eyes really have it?
—How light is air, really?
—Is gold all that good?
—Are sheets always white?
—Are whips all that smart?
—Are machines usually that well-oiled?
—What is the exact I.Q. of box of rocks?
—Do logs actually sleep?
The Bottom Five WORST Guitar Solos of All-Time
Dedicated to those who don't have a clue how to grind an axe!
1) "I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll"—JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS (1982) Not sure who the guitar player is here (I don’t think it’s Joan), but it sounds like he/she played it in his/her sleep!
2) "I Love It Loud"—KISS (1982) It’s a mystery who actually played this stillborn thing (it's most definitely NOT Ace Frehley) because the lead guitarist position for Kiss was in flux at the time, but whoever it was, it sucked like a Hoover vacuum...
3) "Mad About You"—BELINDA CARLISLE (1986) Duran Duran’s Andy Taylor ruined a perfectly good love song with his squealy solo that sounded so out-of-place with the rest of the tune—hey Andy, come back when you learn how to play that thing, okay, Bud?!? Good rule of thumb: guitar feedback and love songs generally are not a good mix! The Carpenters had a song called "Goodbye To Love" that suffered from a similar malady.
4) "Hot Blooded"—FOREIGNER (1978) Mick Jones sounded like he was playing with an ice pick here instead of a guitar pick...
5) "Hot Girls In Love"—LOVERBOY (1983) With all apologies to Loverboy's Paul Dean, I’m not sure why this one bugs me—it just does. Dumb song and even dumber video too...
DISHONORABLE MENTION: "Cover Of The Rolling Stone"—DR. HOOK & THE MEDICINE SHOW (1973) This would have made the above list, except for one little thing—it was supposed to sound bad!
1) "I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll"—JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS (1982) Not sure who the guitar player is here (I don’t think it’s Joan), but it sounds like he/she played it in his/her sleep!
2) "I Love It Loud"—KISS (1982) It’s a mystery who actually played this stillborn thing (it's most definitely NOT Ace Frehley) because the lead guitarist position for Kiss was in flux at the time, but whoever it was, it sucked like a Hoover vacuum...
3) "Mad About You"—BELINDA CARLISLE (1986) Duran Duran’s Andy Taylor ruined a perfectly good love song with his squealy solo that sounded so out-of-place with the rest of the tune—hey Andy, come back when you learn how to play that thing, okay, Bud?!? Good rule of thumb: guitar feedback and love songs generally are not a good mix! The Carpenters had a song called "Goodbye To Love" that suffered from a similar malady.
4) "Hot Blooded"—FOREIGNER (1978) Mick Jones sounded like he was playing with an ice pick here instead of a guitar pick...
5) "Hot Girls In Love"—LOVERBOY (1983) With all apologies to Loverboy's Paul Dean, I’m not sure why this one bugs me—it just does. Dumb song and even dumber video too...
DISHONORABLE MENTION: "Cover Of The Rolling Stone"—DR. HOOK & THE MEDICINE SHOW (1973) This would have made the above list, except for one little thing—it was supposed to sound bad!
The Top 25 Greatest Rock & Roll Guitar Solos of All-Time
Dedicated to those who have an axe to grind...
1) ACE FREHLEY/PAUL STANLEY, Kiss—“Detroit Rock City” (1976) More Ace than Paul here, but this one has always been my favorite, and I can’t actually say why. It just is…
2) JIMI HENDRIX, Jimi Hendrix Experience—“All Along The Watchtower” (1968) This was Jimi’s finest hour, musically. Sadly, it was all downhill for him after this one, but when he wasn’t all drugged-out, he could make some amazing sounds with his fingers.
3) JOHN ENTWISTLE, The Who—“5:15” (Live-2000) Greatest bass solo ever recorded! A three-and-a-half minute roller coaster ride that'll render you awe-struck, dumb-struck, and downright dizzy, courtesy of the greatest bass player on the planet.
4) RANDY RHOADS, Ozzy Osbourne—“I Don’t Know” (1981) I could list most any solo he ever did here and it would be appropriate. Another favorite of mine is his solo on the live version of “Children Of The Grave” on the Tribute CD. One can only imagine what this guy would have gone on to do, and if he were still with us, he would be even more revered than Eddie Van Halen is. What a waste…
5) EDDIE VAN HALEN, Van Halen—“Eruption” (1978) Speaking of the devil, one can only guess how many countless guitar players were inspired by this track…
6) ALLEN COLLINS, Lynyrd Skynyrd—“Free Bird” (1973) I didn’t know until recently that he played this whole damn thing all by himself! This guy was better than I ever realized...
7) BUDDY HOLLY, The Crickets—“Peggy Sue” (1957) Short, sweet and petite, but very cool, and way ahead of its time. Ol' B.H. had really cool initials, too!
8) DRAKE LEVIN, Paul Revere & The Raiders—"Louie, Louie" (Live-1965) This rambunctious solo made Keith Richards and Dave Davies look like rank amateurs!
9) ERNIE ISLEY, The Isley Brothers—“That Lady” (1973) Under “blistering” in the dictionary it says “listen to this”. Every time I hear this lazer-like guitar work, it makes me think of a hot summer day. This thing could melt the siding clean off your house!
10) DUANE ROLAND/DAVE HLUBEK/STEVE HOLLAND, Molly Hatchet—“Fall of The Peacemakers” (1983) Sort of a poor man’s “Free Bird”, but still mighty fine guitar work.
11) ANGUS YOUNG, AC/DC—”Let There Be Rock” (1977) Never ceases to amaze me how this little dude rolls around on stage like that and NEVER misses a note!
12) ACE FREHLEY, Kiss—”Let Me Go, Rock ‘N’ Roll” (Live-1975) Space Ace gets to stretch his muscles and jam a bit—a rarity on a Kiss record.
13) DAVE EDMUNDS, Love Sculpture—“Sabre Dance” (1968/1994) Khachaturian’s classical classic gets re-worked into a four-minute guitar solo by Sir Edmunds. The cleaner, meaner ‘94 version (even with the drum machine) is every bit as cool as the original, too.
14) RANDY BACHMAN, Bachman-Turner Overdrive—“You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” (1974) Not necessarily the solo here, but the sinewy guitar work throughout the entire song is downright awesome.
15) PETE TOWNSHEND, The Who—“Shakin’ All Over” (1970) Pete isn’t particularly renowned for his lead guitar work as much as he is for his songwriting and power chords, but on the night The "'Orrible 'Oo" recorded Live At Leeds, he sounded like Jimi Hendrix.
16) RITCHIE BLACKMORE, Deep Purple—“Highway Star” (Live, 1973) “Stupid-fast” is an apt description of the solo here on Made In Japan. Fortunately in this case, speed don’t kill...
17) BILLY GIBBONS, Z.Z. Top—“La Grange” (1974) Rev. Billy G. delivers a feedback-laden six-string sermon that would bring Godzilla to his knees. Haw-haw-haw-haw, indeed!
18) NILS LOFGREN, Bruce Springsteen—“Tunnel Of Love” (1987) This is the one that The Boss yodels along with, but for some reason, it really works!
19) JOHN ENTWISTLE, The Who—"My Generation" (1965) “The Ox” gave the world its first Rock ‘N’ Roll bass solo here. Often imitated, never equaled…
20) TED NUGENT—“Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” (Live-1978) Ah yes, the good ol’ days when Ted talked through his guitar instead of out of his ass…
21) RANDAL CHOWNING, Ozark Mountain Daredevils—"Jackie Blue" (1975) Just like "You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet", not only is the solo cool here, but the slide guitar throughout the entire song is downright hypnotic. Just as an aside, when this first came out, I thought it was a chick singing this song, so imagine my surprise when I saw OMD on "The Midnight Special" with this bearded dude with a high voice singing it!
22) HENRY PAUL/HUGHIE THOMASSON/BILLY JONES, The Outlaws—"Green Grass & High Tides" (1975) "Free Bird" inspired a wave of copy-cat triple-lead guitar solos that lasted over five minutes from other Southern bands, and this was the first (and best) of them. No doubt all the Album Rock DJs back then loved this song because it lasted long enough to smoke a joint or two…
23) SCOTTY MOORE, Elvis Presley—"Hard Headed Woman" (1958) Guitar solos were a rare commodity in the ‘50s, especially good ones!
24) DUANE ROLAND/DAVE HLUBEK/STEVE HOLLAND, Molly Hatchet—"Boogie No More" (1980) Yet another mini-"Free Bird", but a damn good one.
25) ACE FREHLEY, Kiss—"She" (Live-1975) Another of the rare times when Kiss would just jam on stage and allow Ace to really cut loose.
1) ACE FREHLEY/PAUL STANLEY, Kiss—“Detroit Rock City” (1976) More Ace than Paul here, but this one has always been my favorite, and I can’t actually say why. It just is…
2) JIMI HENDRIX, Jimi Hendrix Experience—“All Along The Watchtower” (1968) This was Jimi’s finest hour, musically. Sadly, it was all downhill for him after this one, but when he wasn’t all drugged-out, he could make some amazing sounds with his fingers.
3) JOHN ENTWISTLE, The Who—“5:15” (Live-2000) Greatest bass solo ever recorded! A three-and-a-half minute roller coaster ride that'll render you awe-struck, dumb-struck, and downright dizzy, courtesy of the greatest bass player on the planet.
4) RANDY RHOADS, Ozzy Osbourne—“I Don’t Know” (1981) I could list most any solo he ever did here and it would be appropriate. Another favorite of mine is his solo on the live version of “Children Of The Grave” on the Tribute CD. One can only imagine what this guy would have gone on to do, and if he were still with us, he would be even more revered than Eddie Van Halen is. What a waste…
5) EDDIE VAN HALEN, Van Halen—“Eruption” (1978) Speaking of the devil, one can only guess how many countless guitar players were inspired by this track…
6) ALLEN COLLINS, Lynyrd Skynyrd—“Free Bird” (1973) I didn’t know until recently that he played this whole damn thing all by himself! This guy was better than I ever realized...
7) BUDDY HOLLY, The Crickets—“Peggy Sue” (1957) Short, sweet and petite, but very cool, and way ahead of its time. Ol' B.H. had really cool initials, too!
8) DRAKE LEVIN, Paul Revere & The Raiders—"Louie, Louie" (Live-1965) This rambunctious solo made Keith Richards and Dave Davies look like rank amateurs!
9) ERNIE ISLEY, The Isley Brothers—“That Lady” (1973) Under “blistering” in the dictionary it says “listen to this”. Every time I hear this lazer-like guitar work, it makes me think of a hot summer day. This thing could melt the siding clean off your house!
10) DUANE ROLAND/DAVE HLUBEK/STEVE HOLLAND, Molly Hatchet—“Fall of The Peacemakers” (1983) Sort of a poor man’s “Free Bird”, but still mighty fine guitar work.
11) ANGUS YOUNG, AC/DC—”Let There Be Rock” (1977) Never ceases to amaze me how this little dude rolls around on stage like that and NEVER misses a note!
12) ACE FREHLEY, Kiss—”Let Me Go, Rock ‘N’ Roll” (Live-1975) Space Ace gets to stretch his muscles and jam a bit—a rarity on a Kiss record.
13) DAVE EDMUNDS, Love Sculpture—“Sabre Dance” (1968/1994) Khachaturian’s classical classic gets re-worked into a four-minute guitar solo by Sir Edmunds. The cleaner, meaner ‘94 version (even with the drum machine) is every bit as cool as the original, too.
14) RANDY BACHMAN, Bachman-Turner Overdrive—“You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” (1974) Not necessarily the solo here, but the sinewy guitar work throughout the entire song is downright awesome.
15) PETE TOWNSHEND, The Who—“Shakin’ All Over” (1970) Pete isn’t particularly renowned for his lead guitar work as much as he is for his songwriting and power chords, but on the night The "'Orrible 'Oo" recorded Live At Leeds, he sounded like Jimi Hendrix.
16) RITCHIE BLACKMORE, Deep Purple—“Highway Star” (Live, 1973) “Stupid-fast” is an apt description of the solo here on Made In Japan. Fortunately in this case, speed don’t kill...
17) BILLY GIBBONS, Z.Z. Top—“La Grange” (1974) Rev. Billy G. delivers a feedback-laden six-string sermon that would bring Godzilla to his knees. Haw-haw-haw-haw, indeed!
18) NILS LOFGREN, Bruce Springsteen—“Tunnel Of Love” (1987) This is the one that The Boss yodels along with, but for some reason, it really works!
19) JOHN ENTWISTLE, The Who—"My Generation" (1965) “The Ox” gave the world its first Rock ‘N’ Roll bass solo here. Often imitated, never equaled…
20) TED NUGENT—“Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” (Live-1978) Ah yes, the good ol’ days when Ted talked through his guitar instead of out of his ass…
21) RANDAL CHOWNING, Ozark Mountain Daredevils—"Jackie Blue" (1975) Just like "You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet", not only is the solo cool here, but the slide guitar throughout the entire song is downright hypnotic. Just as an aside, when this first came out, I thought it was a chick singing this song, so imagine my surprise when I saw OMD on "The Midnight Special" with this bearded dude with a high voice singing it!
22) HENRY PAUL/HUGHIE THOMASSON/BILLY JONES, The Outlaws—"Green Grass & High Tides" (1975) "Free Bird" inspired a wave of copy-cat triple-lead guitar solos that lasted over five minutes from other Southern bands, and this was the first (and best) of them. No doubt all the Album Rock DJs back then loved this song because it lasted long enough to smoke a joint or two…
23) SCOTTY MOORE, Elvis Presley—"Hard Headed Woman" (1958) Guitar solos were a rare commodity in the ‘50s, especially good ones!
24) DUANE ROLAND/DAVE HLUBEK/STEVE HOLLAND, Molly Hatchet—"Boogie No More" (1980) Yet another mini-"Free Bird", but a damn good one.
25) ACE FREHLEY, Kiss—"She" (Live-1975) Another of the rare times when Kiss would just jam on stage and allow Ace to really cut loose.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
She's got legs, and she knows how to use them...
MY TOP TEN CELEBRITY LEGS (IN PAIRS) OF ALL-TIME
1) Belinda Carlisle (The Go-Go’s) Loved to watch her dance on stage in those high heels too!
2) Bebe Neuwirth ("Cheers"/"Frasier") When she’s not made up as Lillith, she’s hot. She’s a dancer on Broadway too and she sure looks good in fishnets!
3) Fran Drescher ("The Nanny") Best enjoyed with the "mute" button on. The girl that played the oldest daughter on that show had pretty nice legs too…
4) Jane Leeves ("Frasier") She’s a dancer too—I love that scene where she and Niles are tango-ing and she lifts her leg over his shoulder. Yeoww! Got plenty of exposure as one of Hill's Angels on "The Benny Hill Show" too. (Get it? Exposure! Benny Hill Show! Har-de-har-har...)
5) Anni-frid "Frida" Lyngstad (ABBA) Put Agnetha’s tush and Frida’s legs on the same body and then we’d really have something to behold!
6) Catherine Bach ("The Dukes Of Hazzard") Why ELSE do you think horny teenagers like me tuned in that show week after week? The high drama? The sublime humor? The clever dialogue? The charisma of Boss Hogg? The "General Lee"? I think not…
7) Angie Dickinson ("Police Woman") She’s old enough to be my mother, but STILL has dynamite legs!
8) Tina Turner Couldn’t possibly leave her off this list, now could I?
9) Mercedes Ruehl (Movie actress) Awesome legs, but she sometimes gives me the creeps because she looks and talks like Ralph Macchio in drag!
10) Ann-Margret (Movie actress/Dancer) Like Ms. Dickinson, she's old enough to be my mom also, but she's still got it, too! Her legs were well-represented in the Tommy movie...
1) Belinda Carlisle (The Go-Go’s) Loved to watch her dance on stage in those high heels too!2) Bebe Neuwirth ("Cheers"/"Frasier") When she’s not made up as Lillith, she’s hot. She’s a dancer on Broadway too and she sure looks good in fishnets!
3) Fran Drescher ("The Nanny") Best enjoyed with the "mute" button on. The girl that played the oldest daughter on that show had pretty nice legs too…
4) Jane Leeves ("Frasier") She’s a dancer too—I love that scene where she and Niles are tango-ing and she lifts her leg over his shoulder. Yeoww! Got plenty of exposure as one of Hill's Angels on "The Benny Hill Show" too. (Get it? Exposure! Benny Hill Show! Har-de-har-har...)
5) Anni-frid "Frida" Lyngstad (ABBA) Put Agnetha’s tush and Frida’s legs on the same body and then we’d really have something to behold!
6) Catherine Bach ("The Dukes Of Hazzard") Why ELSE do you think horny teenagers like me tuned in that show week after week? The high drama? The sublime humor? The clever dialogue? The charisma of Boss Hogg? The "General Lee"? I think not…
7) Angie Dickinson ("Police Woman") She’s old enough to be my mother, but STILL has dynamite legs!
8) Tina Turner Couldn’t possibly leave her off this list, now could I?
9) Mercedes Ruehl (Movie actress) Awesome legs, but she sometimes gives me the creeps because she looks and talks like Ralph Macchio in drag!
10) Ann-Margret (Movie actress/Dancer) Like Ms. Dickinson, she's old enough to be my mom also, but she's still got it, too! Her legs were well-represented in the Tommy movie...
You're not well, Mr. Blackwell
That’s a line from a Kiss song—hope Gene Simmons doesn’t mind me pirating it!
Every year about this time, I'm forced to ask this question: "Who the hell is this Mr. Blackwell douche-bag, and why are his opinions considered so damn important?" Once again, this self-appointed twit gave the world his unsolicited opinions this week about who’s best-dressed and worst-dressed in celeb-dom. And as per his usual, his worst-dressed list is nothing more than a lame collection of pot shots at the usual way-too-easy targets like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, et al., and bad puns like "From Streep you could weep." Hey, Numb-nuts, that was Meryl Streep's movie character! It was her job to dress like that—she doesn’t dress like that in real life (The Devil Wears Prada is an overrated film, btw). I seem to remember one year the vaunted Mr. B. even put down the gal that played Mimi on the "Drew Carey Show" for the same thing. What a maroon! To me, he’s yet another one of these worthless celebrities that America makes famous (and reveres) for no good reason (á la Ryan Seacrest, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Kato Kaelin, et al). In the words of Pete Townshend, "Why should I care? WHY should I care?"
Every year about this time, I'm forced to ask this question: "Who the hell is this Mr. Blackwell douche-bag, and why are his opinions considered so damn important?" Once again, this self-appointed twit gave the world his unsolicited opinions this week about who’s best-dressed and worst-dressed in celeb-dom. And as per his usual, his worst-dressed list is nothing more than a lame collection of pot shots at the usual way-too-easy targets like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, et al., and bad puns like "From Streep you could weep." Hey, Numb-nuts, that was Meryl Streep's movie character! It was her job to dress like that—she doesn’t dress like that in real life (The Devil Wears Prada is an overrated film, btw). I seem to remember one year the vaunted Mr. B. even put down the gal that played Mimi on the "Drew Carey Show" for the same thing. What a maroon! To me, he’s yet another one of these worthless celebrities that America makes famous (and reveres) for no good reason (á la Ryan Seacrest, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Kato Kaelin, et al). In the words of Pete Townshend, "Why should I care? WHY should I care?"
R.I.P. Yvonne DeCarlo
Our first major celebrity passing of the new year is actress Yvonne DeCarlo—better known as the matriarch of "The Munsters"—who died yesterday at age 84. That character was perfect for her—Lily could rag on Herman a lot and be a bee-yatch sometimes, but overall she was alright in my book, and as TV moms go, I’d put her right up there with Mrs. C. and Shirley Partridge. A lot of people don’t know that Yvonne DeCarlo was a fairly serious movie actress (and singer) back in the ‘40s and ‘50s, and was quite the hottie in her day, often playing seductresses and femme-fatales. She initially was reluctant to even do Lily Munster, but her husband was a Hollywood stuntman who was seriously injured while filming How The West Was Won long about that time and they really needed the paycheck, thus a legend was born. If nothing else, you have to admire her stamina in doing that show day-in and day-out—didn’t it look as if that wig she wore weighed more than she did? Unfortunately, she was typecast by Lily after "The Munsters" went off the air, and was reduced to roles in crappy B-movie schlock like Blazing Stewardesses and Satan’s Cheerleaders, the occasional "Fantasy Island"/"Love Boat" spot, and doing denture commercials on TV, but bless her heart for being the most delightfully ghoulish housewife of all-time—now reunited with Herman and Grandpa in that Great Crypt in the Sky!
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Oops! They did it again!
Well, the (C)Rock & Roll Hall of Fame folks have outdone themselves this time. While they did manage to get it right by FINALLY voting Van Halen in (see my previous December 7th post), imagine my absolute horror in hearing that in the same induction class with them will be Rappers Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five. You gotta be shittin’ me! Must we remind these dunderheads again that this is the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame? Who they gonna induct next, Tone-Loc? Okay, I do realize that Rock ‘N’ Roll means different things to different people, but this is a joke! If and when someone puts together a Rap/Hip-Hop HOF, then I’m sure Gaspasser Flush and crew belongs there. Meantime, they belong in the Rock Hall about as much as Liberace does. In the words of former Denver Broncos head coach Lou Saban, "They’re killin’ me, Whitey, they’re killin’ me!"
BTW, for the uninitiated out there—I can’t stand Rap, and I refuse to officially recognize it as a form of music. And don’t forget, you can’t spell "crap" without it! Call me narrow-minded all you want, but I'm being honest here...
As for the other Class of '07 inductees, The Ronettes should’ve gotten in years ago, being one of the better "Girl Groups" of all time...Patti Smith?!? Puh-leeze! She’s never been more than a mere cult figure in Rock—yet another act that all the Rolling Stone critics go ape-shit over for no particular reason. Her only real hit, "Because The Night", needed an assist or two from Bruce Springsteen, too—I'd have sooner voted Patty Smyth (of Scandal fame) into the Hall—at least she had some talent...R.E.M. are borderline HOF’ers, at best. I like some of their stuff (as did Leonard Bernstein, I presume), but overall I think they’re pretty overrated, and Michael Stipe’s over-seriousness about everything wears thin on me after a while. R.E.M.’s a good band, not a great band, but since they’re another group the critics go ape-shit over, they got voted in the nanosecond they were eligible, just like U2 did. Van Halen had to wait three years. Figures...
Getting back to VH, what’s really going to be intriguing is who will actually be there to accept their award and/or perform at the HOF ceremony. For those of you who’ve lost track of this soap opera, the band is now strictly a family affair—only those with the last name Van Halen are allowed in the band now, evidently. Eddie has apparently burned his bridges with singer Sammy Hagar (again), as well as with singer Gary Cherone (who had the proverbial "cup of coffee" with the band in 1997), and bassist Michael Anthony has also been told his services are no longer needed. So currently, it’s down to Eddie, Alex, and Eddie’s 15-year-old son Wolfgang replacing Anthony on bass (whether young master Wolfie can actually play the bass is a matter of conjecture). There are also rumors of Eddie trying to do a deal (runnin'?) with the devil to lure back David Lee Roth—even though they hate each other’s guts. However, Diamond Dave claims he has not talked to Eddie in two years, and warns that a reunion with Van Halen could result in a "NASCAR-style wreck," or "Jerry Springer style fight." I tend to agree. Hagar, to his credit, has taken the high road in all this, but he’s basically said he’s through with Van Halen, and I can’t say I blame him. Officially, it's going to be the original four (Eddie, Alex, Mike and Dave), plus Sammy being inducted, but it's anybody's guess what's going to happen at the ceremony.
What on earth has happened to Eddie Van Halen? Does he not look like the second coming of Charles Manson in these photos? He seemed to be a genuinely nice guy until about ten years ago, but he’s become so petty and childish since kicking Sammy out the first time, thus rendering his band totally irrelevant now. I know he’s had health problems with the mouth cancer and all (smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?), and no doubt the drugs and alcohol have taken their toll over the years, but what I don't get is why he’s also become such a total jerk to everyone he ever worked with except his brother. It’s pretty sad to see a guy who was once the Wayne Gretzky of Rock ‘N’ Roll guitar players become such a pathetic has-been. Come back to us, Eddie—we miss you!
BTW, for the uninitiated out there—I can’t stand Rap, and I refuse to officially recognize it as a form of music. And don’t forget, you can’t spell "crap" without it! Call me narrow-minded all you want, but I'm being honest here...
As for the other Class of '07 inductees, The Ronettes should’ve gotten in years ago, being one of the better "Girl Groups" of all time...Patti Smith?!? Puh-leeze! She’s never been more than a mere cult figure in Rock—yet another act that all the Rolling Stone critics go ape-shit over for no particular reason. Her only real hit, "Because The Night", needed an assist or two from Bruce Springsteen, too—I'd have sooner voted Patty Smyth (of Scandal fame) into the Hall—at least she had some talent...R.E.M. are borderline HOF’ers, at best. I like some of their stuff (as did Leonard Bernstein, I presume), but overall I think they’re pretty overrated, and Michael Stipe’s over-seriousness about everything wears thin on me after a while. R.E.M.’s a good band, not a great band, but since they’re another group the critics go ape-shit over, they got voted in the nanosecond they were eligible, just like U2 did. Van Halen had to wait three years. Figures...
Getting back to VH, what’s really going to be intriguing is who will actually be there to accept their award and/or perform at the HOF ceremony. For those of you who’ve lost track of this soap opera, the band is now strictly a family affair—only those with the last name Van Halen are allowed in the band now, evidently. Eddie has apparently burned his bridges with singer Sammy Hagar (again), as well as with singer Gary Cherone (who had the proverbial "cup of coffee" with the band in 1997), and bassist Michael Anthony has also been told his services are no longer needed. So currently, it’s down to Eddie, Alex, and Eddie’s 15-year-old son Wolfgang replacing Anthony on bass (whether young master Wolfie can actually play the bass is a matter of conjecture). There are also rumors of Eddie trying to do a deal (runnin'?) with the devil to lure back David Lee Roth—even though they hate each other’s guts. However, Diamond Dave claims he has not talked to Eddie in two years, and warns that a reunion with Van Halen could result in a "NASCAR-style wreck," or "Jerry Springer style fight." I tend to agree. Hagar, to his credit, has taken the high road in all this, but he’s basically said he’s through with Van Halen, and I can’t say I blame him. Officially, it's going to be the original four (Eddie, Alex, Mike and Dave), plus Sammy being inducted, but it's anybody's guess what's going to happen at the ceremony.
What on earth has happened to Eddie Van Halen? Does he not look like the second coming of Charles Manson in these photos? He seemed to be a genuinely nice guy until about ten years ago, but he’s become so petty and childish since kicking Sammy out the first time, thus rendering his band totally irrelevant now. I know he’s had health problems with the mouth cancer and all (smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?), and no doubt the drugs and alcohol have taken their toll over the years, but what I don't get is why he’s also become such a total jerk to everyone he ever worked with except his brother. It’s pretty sad to see a guy who was once the Wayne Gretzky of Rock ‘N’ Roll guitar players become such a pathetic has-been. Come back to us, Eddie—we miss you!
Monday, January 8, 2007
Starsky & Son? Sanford & Hutch?
Thanks to the miracle of DVD technology, I've spent a ton of time re-visiting old TV shows from the '70s, and a favorite of mine has been "Starsky & Hutch". Over the course of this, I couldn't help but notice the connection between S&H and my all-time favorite sitcom, "Sanford & Son". It's amazing how many people made at least one appearance on both S&S and S&H—practically everyone from S&S except Fred, Lamont and Bubba!
First off, Captain Dobey himself, Bernie Hamilton, played a cop on S&S (subbing for Smitty in one ep), and ironically, the late Richard Ward, who played Captain Dobey in the S&H pilot episode only, played Fred’s poker-playing buddy on S&S. Captain Dobey’s wife was portrayed by Lynn Hamilton (no relation to Bernie), who was of course, Fred’s long-suffering girlfriend Donna Harris. Aunt Esther (the late LaWanda Page) played a blind woman in an ill-advised attempt at an S&H spinoff featuring Huggy Bear and some hick white guy—“Huggy & Honky”, perhaps? Esther’s TV husband Woodrow (Raymond Allen), had a recurring role as Hutch’s shifty mechanic, and Fred’s best friend Grady (the late Whitman Mayo) appeared on a latter-day S&H ep. Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas, played Grady's "lawyer/tailor" on S&S, and the late Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita, who played the politically-incorrect Ah Chew on S&S, did S&H also. Even the late Stymie Beard (of "Little Rascals" fame) appeared on both shows, as did late actress Fritzi Burr (the “White Esther” who appeared on several S&S eps as various “ugly white women” for Fred to ridicule). Other famous personalities who made appearances on both shows include actor Roscoe Lee Browne, “The NFL Today”’s Jayne Kennedy, and the late Scatman Crothers from “Chico & The Man". Too bad Redd Foxx and Demond Wilson never appeared on S&H--I can see it now: "Freeze, Dummy!"
While I'm on the subject of "Starsky", a few observations: If these guys were undercover cops, then why'd they go on stakeouts in a car that stood out like a turd in a punchbowl? Ironically, the red Torino was originally supposed to be a green Camaro, but the producers had already done a deal with Ford to provide all the vehicles for the show, thus a legend was born—every block around town had at least two red Gran Torinos with white stripes when I was in 7th grade!
I also find it amusing how they recycled the same rundown hotels/store fronts/theaters, etc. (in L.A., I assume) for location shots in multiple episodes, even though the characters and situations were different each time. Example: In one episode, this old movie theater was a porno house, and about two episodes later, it was a ballet studio! One particular episode I watched the other day almost made me cry, too. Starsky drove by a gas station that had unleaded for 62 CENTS A GALLON! Absolutely heartbreaking...
And, finally: Why is it every cop show (and movie, for that matter) features a stereotypical blustery, ball-busting commander like Capt. Dobey (or the guy in 48 Hrs. being another example) who constantly bitches at his people for failing to do the job? Meantime, the guy is always some out-of-shape donut-eating hack who makes Homer Simpson look like Lance Armstrong—totally incapable of chasing down a criminal if his life depended on it.
Anyway, in spite its flaws, "Starsky & Hutch" is the quintessential '70s crime drama show. I hear those "Police Woman" reruns are out on DVD now too. Oh, goody!
First off, Captain Dobey himself, Bernie Hamilton, played a cop on S&S (subbing for Smitty in one ep), and ironically, the late Richard Ward, who played Captain Dobey in the S&H pilot episode only, played Fred’s poker-playing buddy on S&S. Captain Dobey’s wife was portrayed by Lynn Hamilton (no relation to Bernie), who was of course, Fred’s long-suffering girlfriend Donna Harris. Aunt Esther (the late LaWanda Page) played a blind woman in an ill-advised attempt at an S&H spinoff featuring Huggy Bear and some hick white guy—“Huggy & Honky”, perhaps? Esther’s TV husband Woodrow (Raymond Allen), had a recurring role as Hutch’s shifty mechanic, and Fred’s best friend Grady (the late Whitman Mayo) appeared on a latter-day S&H ep. Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas, played Grady's "lawyer/tailor" on S&S, and the late Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita, who played the politically-incorrect Ah Chew on S&S, did S&H also. Even the late Stymie Beard (of "Little Rascals" fame) appeared on both shows, as did late actress Fritzi Burr (the “White Esther” who appeared on several S&S eps as various “ugly white women” for Fred to ridicule). Other famous personalities who made appearances on both shows include actor Roscoe Lee Browne, “The NFL Today”’s Jayne Kennedy, and the late Scatman Crothers from “Chico & The Man". Too bad Redd Foxx and Demond Wilson never appeared on S&H--I can see it now: "Freeze, Dummy!"
While I'm on the subject of "Starsky", a few observations: If these guys were undercover cops, then why'd they go on stakeouts in a car that stood out like a turd in a punchbowl? Ironically, the red Torino was originally supposed to be a green Camaro, but the producers had already done a deal with Ford to provide all the vehicles for the show, thus a legend was born—every block around town had at least two red Gran Torinos with white stripes when I was in 7th grade!
I also find it amusing how they recycled the same rundown hotels/store fronts/theaters, etc. (in L.A., I assume) for location shots in multiple episodes, even though the characters and situations were different each time. Example: In one episode, this old movie theater was a porno house, and about two episodes later, it was a ballet studio! One particular episode I watched the other day almost made me cry, too. Starsky drove by a gas station that had unleaded for 62 CENTS A GALLON! Absolutely heartbreaking...
And, finally: Why is it every cop show (and movie, for that matter) features a stereotypical blustery, ball-busting commander like Capt. Dobey (or the guy in 48 Hrs. being another example) who constantly bitches at his people for failing to do the job? Meantime, the guy is always some out-of-shape donut-eating hack who makes Homer Simpson look like Lance Armstrong—totally incapable of chasing down a criminal if his life depended on it.
Anyway, in spite its flaws, "Starsky & Hutch" is the quintessential '70s crime drama show. I hear those "Police Woman" reruns are out on DVD now too. Oh, goody!
Miscellaneous (a)musings...
A FRIENDLY REMINDER...
...to those of you who haven't done so yet--TAKE DOWN your outdoor Christmas decorations, already! A good rule of thumb: if it's Elvis' birthday (like today), and you still have your Yuletide stuff out, this is a sure sign of mental illness, because Christmas is OVER! Or as they say in Brooklyn, OVAH! I will, however, excuse the good people of eastern Colorado and western Kansas who are still stuck in that snowdrift—just get to it whenever you can, folks...
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?
I love the commercials for this insomnia reliever product called Ambien: "Side effects may include drowsiness..." I would hope so!
DO YOU THINK...
...there will ever come a day when Tony Danza plays a character than isn't named "Tony"?
HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD...
...a version of the classic song "Soul Man" that doesn't include "Play it, Steve!" right before the guitar solo? Surely somebody named Dave or Louie has played guitar on a version of the song...
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
Actual patient name at my workplace last week: Donita Doctor. Apparently so!
THE CHRYSLER "BINKY"?
Was stopped at a traffic light the other day behind a vehicle called the Chrysler Pacifica. The way the sun was shining off the nameplate on the back, I thought it said "Pacifier"!
AND NOW A WORD FROM--OH WAIT, NOT YET!
In between all the "American Idol" promos, Fox-TV did manage to work in the big football game tonight between Ohio State and Florida. While the talking heads were yapping away during the pre-game show, the "Star-Spangled Banner" began playing in the stadium. You could tell that Fox was about to fade to a commercial instead of airing the anthem, but wisely decided to stay with it, once the song started. Good thing they did too, or I would have been forced to author a nasty rant about Mr. "Truth, justice and the Republican way", Fox-TV head honcho Rupert Murdoch, accusing him of being a phony patriot for allowing this to happen. Maybe next time, huh?
...to those of you who haven't done so yet--TAKE DOWN your outdoor Christmas decorations, already! A good rule of thumb: if it's Elvis' birthday (like today), and you still have your Yuletide stuff out, this is a sure sign of mental illness, because Christmas is OVER! Or as they say in Brooklyn, OVAH! I will, however, excuse the good people of eastern Colorado and western Kansas who are still stuck in that snowdrift—just get to it whenever you can, folks...
TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?
I love the commercials for this insomnia reliever product called Ambien: "Side effects may include drowsiness..." I would hope so!
DO YOU THINK...
...there will ever come a day when Tony Danza plays a character than isn't named "Tony"?
HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD...
...a version of the classic song "Soul Man" that doesn't include "Play it, Steve!" right before the guitar solo? Surely somebody named Dave or Louie has played guitar on a version of the song...
YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
Actual patient name at my workplace last week: Donita Doctor. Apparently so!
THE CHRYSLER "BINKY"?
Was stopped at a traffic light the other day behind a vehicle called the Chrysler Pacifica. The way the sun was shining off the nameplate on the back, I thought it said "Pacifier"!
AND NOW A WORD FROM--OH WAIT, NOT YET!
In between all the "American Idol" promos, Fox-TV did manage to work in the big football game tonight between Ohio State and Florida. While the talking heads were yapping away during the pre-game show, the "Star-Spangled Banner" began playing in the stadium. You could tell that Fox was about to fade to a commercial instead of airing the anthem, but wisely decided to stay with it, once the song started. Good thing they did too, or I would have been forced to author a nasty rant about Mr. "Truth, justice and the Republican way", Fox-TV head honcho Rupert Murdoch, accusing him of being a phony patriot for allowing this to happen. Maybe next time, huh?
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Worst Cover Songs of All-Time
Since I did the Best Cover Songs of All-Time a while back, it only seems fair that I do the other end of the remake spectrum:
1) "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"/"Mr. Tambourine Man"—WILLIAM SHATNER (1968) [TIE] These have to be the all-time champion worst remakes of all-time, bar none. A little background: In an effort to capitalize on his success from "Star Trek", William Shatner recorded an album called The Transformed Man. Not real sure what sort of transformation took place here, since the album cover featured him in Capt. Kirk mode anyway. What always amazes me about these albums from the ‘60s where TV and movie people took a shot at "singing", is that more than one person was involved in making them, and surely somewhere along the way, someone—be it the producer, a record company exec., one of the musicians, perhaps the recording studio janitor, whoever—could’ve have had the balls to stand up and say to the celebrity, "You really ought to re-think this…" or "This is downright abysmal!" Anything to prevent the celebrity from embarrassing himself/herself.
Anyway, Shatner didn’t actually sing here—he just recited the lyrics, and over-emoted them at every turn. "Picture yourself…in a boat…on a river…"/"a girl…with kaleidoscope EYES!", augmented with some chirpy girly singers doing the "Lucy In The Sky" choruses. I can only imagine what John Lennon thought about this savage butchering of his song, but upon hearing this travesty, Paul McCartney was quoted as saying, "That was just wrong!" Or as Shatner himself would say it, "That…was…just…WRONG!" "Tambourine Man" was even funnier, with our Captain Kirk pleading and screaming at the end, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAAAAANNNNN!" One of the rare times when a Bob Dylan song did NOT sound better when someone else recorded it...
2) “You Shook Me All Night Long”—CELINE DION/ANASTACIA (2002?) Even though this wasn’t an actual recording per se, I’m including it anyway because it may well be the ultimate Rock ‘N’ Roll cringe moment. It happened circa. 2002 on one of VH-1’s insufferable “Divas” shows wherein torch song/movie soundtrack queen Celine Dion was teamed up with R&B shouter Anastacia to duet on AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”. Don’t believe me? Check it out here and be horrified, if you dare! To say that these two were out of their element here is a MAJOR understatement! I can honestly say that the first time I viewed this travesty, I was rendered totally dumbfounded—no, wait, downright speechless—for at least 30 minutes afterwards! Between Anesthesia wailing away like a banshee on steroids and Ms. Dion playing air guitar and duck-walking across the stage (in high heels) like Chuck Berry, this catastrophe can best be described as a desperate cry for help. This thing made that Oscar opening number with Rob Lowe seem almost palpable. Then again, it could've been worse—they could have done "Whole Lotta Rosie" (or "Big Balls"). In any event, we HAVE been slimed…
3) "If I Had A Hammer"/"Proud Mary"—LEONARD NIMOY (1969) [TIE] It seems most illogical that Mr. Spock didn’t learn from Cap’n Kirk’s failure the year before, and tried to pass himself off as "Soul Brother #2". To his credit, he at least actually tried to sing, but sadly Nimoy's monotone voice had all the soul of a Lawrence Welk record, even with his valiant attempt to sound like John Fogerty ("Big wheels keep on toy-nin/Proud Mary keep on boy-nin"). Brother Leo was a fine narrator on TV, but he proved beyond the shadow of a doubt here that he ain’t no Sinatra—not even a Mel Torme. The cheesy backing tracks were rather comical too—they seemed to have captured the essence of what the Larry Davis Experience on "The Simpsons" might have sounded like in real life...
4) “Another Saturday Night”—CAT STEVENS (1975) Ol’ Yusuf sounded so utterly silly on this Sam Cooke classic—after sounding like a tree-hugging hippie on everything he’d recorded prior to it. This putrid piece of chart desperation was akin to Bread doing “Mony, Mony” or Seals & Crofts doing "Wooly Bully". It wasn’t long afterward that Cat got religion and shunned secular music and started supporting Islamic calls for Salman Rushdie’s execution, etc. I'll politely defer to what comedian Dennis Miller once said on “Saturday Night Live" to convey my personal opinion here: “So much for all that ‘Peace Train’ crap, eh Cat?” I hear Yusuf no longer shuns secular music and recently put out a new CD, and also loaned one or two of his old songs to current TV ads. I guess if you need the paycheck bad enough, screw that religion crap, eh Cat (er uh, Yusuf)? Asshole...
5) “Helter Skelter”—PAT BENATAR (1981) Man, I hate to pick on Pat here, since she starred in more than a few of my dreams during my testosterony pubescent years, but somehow a sexy chick singer in a spandex leotard and tights singing a song inspired by Charlie Manson’s mayhem doesn’t quite register. Motley Crue’s version wasn’t much better, either.
6) “I Saw Him Standing There”—TIFFANY (1987) Didn’t this thing sound like it came from the soundtrack of some crappy Alyssa Milano movie or something? Young Tiff' made Debbie Gibson seem like Madonna in comparison…
7) “Knock On Wood”—ANITA WOOD (1979) The late Otis Redding must have been turning in his grave when this disco-fied piece of noise came out. Nothing subtle about this recording, is there?
8) "Tell Me Why"—APRIL WINE (1982) I have no clue why April Wine chose to take this really cool upbeat Beatles song and slow it to a crawl and suck the life right out of it.
9) "Rock And Roll All Nite"—GIN BLOSSOMS (1994) Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Very similar to #8 here. You don’t play this song slow under ANY circumstances.
10) “Cool Jerk ‘90”—THE GO-GO’S (1990) Hate to criticize my girls here (after all, I went through puberty with them too—Jane and Belinda, in particular—and this one wasn't so bad as it was just totally unnecessary. The Go-Go’s had already successfully covered this 1966 classic by The Capitols on their second album in 1982. The song was a staple of their live act as well, but they redid the thing AGAIN just to have a new track on the first of their many greatest hits albums as part of the first of their many reunions, and it wasn’t nearly as good as the first time. Might’ve made more sense just to throw in a live version of it on the best-of CD, hmm? By the way (and I don't mean to be mean), it seems kinda sad when you have more greatest hits albums than original albums, don't it?
1) "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"/"Mr. Tambourine Man"—WILLIAM SHATNER (1968) [TIE] These have to be the all-time champion worst remakes of all-time, bar none. A little background: In an effort to capitalize on his success from "Star Trek", William Shatner recorded an album called The Transformed Man. Not real sure what sort of transformation took place here, since the album cover featured him in Capt. Kirk mode anyway. What always amazes me about these albums from the ‘60s where TV and movie people took a shot at "singing", is that more than one person was involved in making them, and surely somewhere along the way, someone—be it the producer, a record company exec., one of the musicians, perhaps the recording studio janitor, whoever—could’ve have had the balls to stand up and say to the celebrity, "You really ought to re-think this…" or "This is downright abysmal!" Anything to prevent the celebrity from embarrassing himself/herself.
Anyway, Shatner didn’t actually sing here—he just recited the lyrics, and over-emoted them at every turn. "Picture yourself…in a boat…on a river…"/"a girl…with kaleidoscope EYES!", augmented with some chirpy girly singers doing the "Lucy In The Sky" choruses. I can only imagine what John Lennon thought about this savage butchering of his song, but upon hearing this travesty, Paul McCartney was quoted as saying, "That was just wrong!" Or as Shatner himself would say it, "That…was…just…WRONG!" "Tambourine Man" was even funnier, with our Captain Kirk pleading and screaming at the end, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAAAAANNNNN!" One of the rare times when a Bob Dylan song did NOT sound better when someone else recorded it...
2) “You Shook Me All Night Long”—CELINE DION/ANASTACIA (2002?) Even though this wasn’t an actual recording per se, I’m including it anyway because it may well be the ultimate Rock ‘N’ Roll cringe moment. It happened circa. 2002 on one of VH-1’s insufferable “Divas” shows wherein torch song/movie soundtrack queen Celine Dion was teamed up with R&B shouter Anastacia to duet on AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”. Don’t believe me? Check it out here and be horrified, if you dare! To say that these two were out of their element here is a MAJOR understatement! I can honestly say that the first time I viewed this travesty, I was rendered totally dumbfounded—no, wait, downright speechless—for at least 30 minutes afterwards! Between Anesthesia wailing away like a banshee on steroids and Ms. Dion playing air guitar and duck-walking across the stage (in high heels) like Chuck Berry, this catastrophe can best be described as a desperate cry for help. This thing made that Oscar opening number with Rob Lowe seem almost palpable. Then again, it could've been worse—they could have done "Whole Lotta Rosie" (or "Big Balls"). In any event, we HAVE been slimed…
3) "If I Had A Hammer"/"Proud Mary"—LEONARD NIMOY (1969) [TIE] It seems most illogical that Mr. Spock didn’t learn from Cap’n Kirk’s failure the year before, and tried to pass himself off as "Soul Brother #2". To his credit, he at least actually tried to sing, but sadly Nimoy's monotone voice had all the soul of a Lawrence Welk record, even with his valiant attempt to sound like John Fogerty ("Big wheels keep on toy-nin/Proud Mary keep on boy-nin"). Brother Leo was a fine narrator on TV, but he proved beyond the shadow of a doubt here that he ain’t no Sinatra—not even a Mel Torme. The cheesy backing tracks were rather comical too—they seemed to have captured the essence of what the Larry Davis Experience on "The Simpsons" might have sounded like in real life...
4) “Another Saturday Night”—CAT STEVENS (1975) Ol’ Yusuf sounded so utterly silly on this Sam Cooke classic—after sounding like a tree-hugging hippie on everything he’d recorded prior to it. This putrid piece of chart desperation was akin to Bread doing “Mony, Mony” or Seals & Crofts doing "Wooly Bully". It wasn’t long afterward that Cat got religion and shunned secular music and started supporting Islamic calls for Salman Rushdie’s execution, etc. I'll politely defer to what comedian Dennis Miller once said on “Saturday Night Live" to convey my personal opinion here: “So much for all that ‘Peace Train’ crap, eh Cat?” I hear Yusuf no longer shuns secular music and recently put out a new CD, and also loaned one or two of his old songs to current TV ads. I guess if you need the paycheck bad enough, screw that religion crap, eh Cat (er uh, Yusuf)? Asshole...
5) “Helter Skelter”—PAT BENATAR (1981) Man, I hate to pick on Pat here, since she starred in more than a few of my dreams during my testosterony pubescent years, but somehow a sexy chick singer in a spandex leotard and tights singing a song inspired by Charlie Manson’s mayhem doesn’t quite register. Motley Crue’s version wasn’t much better, either.
6) “I Saw Him Standing There”—TIFFANY (1987) Didn’t this thing sound like it came from the soundtrack of some crappy Alyssa Milano movie or something? Young Tiff' made Debbie Gibson seem like Madonna in comparison…
7) “Knock On Wood”—ANITA WOOD (1979) The late Otis Redding must have been turning in his grave when this disco-fied piece of noise came out. Nothing subtle about this recording, is there?
8) "Tell Me Why"—APRIL WINE (1982) I have no clue why April Wine chose to take this really cool upbeat Beatles song and slow it to a crawl and suck the life right out of it.
9) "Rock And Roll All Nite"—GIN BLOSSOMS (1994) Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Very similar to #8 here. You don’t play this song slow under ANY circumstances.
10) “Cool Jerk ‘90”—THE GO-GO’S (1990) Hate to criticize my girls here (after all, I went through puberty with them too—Jane and Belinda, in particular—and this one wasn't so bad as it was just totally unnecessary. The Go-Go’s had already successfully covered this 1966 classic by The Capitols on their second album in 1982. The song was a staple of their live act as well, but they redid the thing AGAIN just to have a new track on the first of their many greatest hits albums as part of the first of their many reunions, and it wasn’t nearly as good as the first time. Might’ve made more sense just to throw in a live version of it on the best-of CD, hmm? By the way (and I don't mean to be mean), it seems kinda sad when you have more greatest hits albums than original albums, don't it?
Thursday, January 4, 2007
World's Dumbest Song Lyrics of All-Time, Vol. I
First of a recurring series (In no particular order)...
"Take The Money And Run"—STEVE MILLER BAND (1977) "…He knows exactly what the facts is." "Facts is?" My guess is ol’ Steve had the damndest time trying to find something to rhyme with "taxes". English teachers everywhere should have swooned even more over this one than they did over Pink Floyd’s "We don’t need no education". Steve actually might’ve been able to get away with this one had he written it about 15 years later during the fax machine era and could have somehow worked in the word "faxes".
"Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me?—PAUL STANLEY (1978) "You got the key, but babe, I locked the gate." Hate to pick on this one because it’s not a bad song, but this line makes no sense. You locked the gate alright, but the fact remains, Paul—she’s STILL GOT THE KEY!! Unless of course she’s a blonde and it’s a combination lock, then all bets are off…
"Time For Me To Fly"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1978) "…enough of the jealousy and the intoleration…" Kevin Cronin apparently flunked English class in school, because there ain’t no such word as intoleration! Intolerance, yes, but not intoleration. What’s really stupid is he could have easily substituted "aggravation" or maybe "irritation" for intoleration, and it would have worked just fine.
"Honey Honey"—ABBA (1974) "You’re a doggone beast!" ABBA’s Björn Ulvæus speaks five languages fluently and probably speaks English more better than I do (pun intended), but his use of metaphors is a whole other matter entirely. A doggone beast?!? That’s great if you’re referring to Shrek or perhaps a large vehicle with a Hemi in it, but not as a term of endearment in a schlocky love song.
"Jump"—VAN HALEN (1984) I love Van Halen (at least before Eddie reincarnated into Little Hitler, I did, anyway), but I absolutely abhor this song! I swear, I think David Lee Roth just made the words up to this one as he went along. Follow along with me here, if you will: "I get up and nothing gets me down" (how nice to hear)/"You got it tough/I’ve seen the toughest around" (the toughest what?)/"You got to roll-o-oll with the punches to get to what’s real" (great advice, but what’s that got to do with the first two lines?)/"Can’t ya see me here/I got my back against the record machine" (shades of The Fonz)/"I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen" (whatever you say, Dave)/"Ah, can’t you see what I mean?" (No, not really Dave—hence why I’m writing this!)/"Ah, might as well Jump!" (Jump where? How high?).
The second verse is even dumber: "Oh-ho! Hey you! Who said that?" (Huh?)/"Baby, how you been?" (I’m fine, thank you—how are you?)/"You say you won’t know until you begin." (Begin what?!?). Does anyone have a clue what this song is about? I’m at a total loss. And naturally it was the only Van Halen song to hit #1.
"Deuce"—KISS (1974) "Get up and get your grandma outta here" Classic example of song lyrics that SOUND really cool when you sing them, but are total nonsense. Even Gene Simmons (who wrote it) claims complete ignorance about what they mean, if anything.
"Goin’ Blind"—KISS (1974) "I'm 93, you're 16" Gene strikes again with a song about an old man and a young chick. Makes that whole Anna Nicole Smith thing seem almost bearable! Ewwww!
"Chevy Van"--SAMMY JOHNS (1975) "Get some sleep and dream of Rock And Roll." Okey-fine, Sam, to each his/her own. I love R ‘n’ R, too, but dat ain’t high on my dream priority list. No wonder he was a one-hit wonder…
"Roundabout"—YES (1972) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there." Yep, that’s pretty much what mountains do, alright—they just stand there! BTW, you don't suppose there's a Yes tribute band out there named "Yep", do ya? Or perhaps "Yeah"? "Affirmative"? Maybe "Aye, Aye"? "Hell Yes", perhaps? Whaddya mean "No"?!?
"Draggin’ The Line"—TOMMY JAMES (1971) "Huggin’ a tree when you get near it." Ah yes, the line that gave birth to the phrase "Tree-hugging hippie"! Too bad such a dopey line is in such a cool song…
"Hurts So Good"—JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP (1982) "Walk around all day long!" My objection here isn't the line itself so much as the way it’s emphasized in the song—as if this activity is something to get excited about. I mean, "Walk around—ALL—DAY—LOONNG"? How thrilling! So typical of Mellencamp’s simple-minded lyrical style, too…
"Devil With A Blue Dress On"—MITCH RYDER & THE DETROIT WHEELS (1966) Follow the bouncing ball through the first verse with me here: "…Lookin’ modern now—here she comes/Wearin’ a wig-hat (a what?!?) with shades to match (how do you match them to a wig-hat?)/high-heeled shoes and an alligator hat (sounds rather redundant if she’s already wearing a wig-hat, whatever that is!)/Wearin’ her pearls and a diamond ring/She got bracelets on her fingers (bracelets don’t go on fingers, they go on wrists!) and everything…" Talk about your fashion nightmares! Was she wearing a red nose and a flower that squirts water too? Based on this description, this supposedly "modern" chick sounds like a cross between a drag queen and a bag lady! Or should that be a bag queen and a drag lady?
And while I’m on the subject of lyrics—here’s an oft-misquoted line from Paul McCartney’s "Live And Let Die" (1973): "And in this ever-changing world in which we live in…" Let me defend Sir Paul’s honor here because people screw this one up all the time. If you listen carefully, the line actually goes, "And IF this ever-changing world in which WE’RE LIVING/Makes you give in and cry/Then Live And Let Die!" Makes sense now, don’t it?
More to come later...
"Take The Money And Run"—STEVE MILLER BAND (1977) "…He knows exactly what the facts is." "Facts is?" My guess is ol’ Steve had the damndest time trying to find something to rhyme with "taxes". English teachers everywhere should have swooned even more over this one than they did over Pink Floyd’s "We don’t need no education". Steve actually might’ve been able to get away with this one had he written it about 15 years later during the fax machine era and could have somehow worked in the word "faxes".
"Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me?—PAUL STANLEY (1978) "You got the key, but babe, I locked the gate." Hate to pick on this one because it’s not a bad song, but this line makes no sense. You locked the gate alright, but the fact remains, Paul—she’s STILL GOT THE KEY!! Unless of course she’s a blonde and it’s a combination lock, then all bets are off…
"Time For Me To Fly"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1978) "…enough of the jealousy and the intoleration…" Kevin Cronin apparently flunked English class in school, because there ain’t no such word as intoleration! Intolerance, yes, but not intoleration. What’s really stupid is he could have easily substituted "aggravation" or maybe "irritation" for intoleration, and it would have worked just fine.
"Honey Honey"—ABBA (1974) "You’re a doggone beast!" ABBA’s Björn Ulvæus speaks five languages fluently and probably speaks English more better than I do (pun intended), but his use of metaphors is a whole other matter entirely. A doggone beast?!? That’s great if you’re referring to Shrek or perhaps a large vehicle with a Hemi in it, but not as a term of endearment in a schlocky love song.
"Jump"—VAN HALEN (1984) I love Van Halen (at least before Eddie reincarnated into Little Hitler, I did, anyway), but I absolutely abhor this song! I swear, I think David Lee Roth just made the words up to this one as he went along. Follow along with me here, if you will: "I get up and nothing gets me down" (how nice to hear)/"You got it tough/I’ve seen the toughest around" (the toughest what?)/"You got to roll-o-oll with the punches to get to what’s real" (great advice, but what’s that got to do with the first two lines?)/"Can’t ya see me here/I got my back against the record machine" (shades of The Fonz)/"I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen" (whatever you say, Dave)/"Ah, can’t you see what I mean?" (No, not really Dave—hence why I’m writing this!)/"Ah, might as well Jump!" (Jump where? How high?).
The second verse is even dumber: "Oh-ho! Hey you! Who said that?" (Huh?)/"Baby, how you been?" (I’m fine, thank you—how are you?)/"You say you won’t know until you begin." (Begin what?!?). Does anyone have a clue what this song is about? I’m at a total loss. And naturally it was the only Van Halen song to hit #1.
"Deuce"—KISS (1974) "Get up and get your grandma outta here" Classic example of song lyrics that SOUND really cool when you sing them, but are total nonsense. Even Gene Simmons (who wrote it) claims complete ignorance about what they mean, if anything.
"Goin’ Blind"—KISS (1974) "I'm 93, you're 16" Gene strikes again with a song about an old man and a young chick. Makes that whole Anna Nicole Smith thing seem almost bearable! Ewwww!
"Chevy Van"--SAMMY JOHNS (1975) "Get some sleep and dream of Rock And Roll." Okey-fine, Sam, to each his/her own. I love R ‘n’ R, too, but dat ain’t high on my dream priority list. No wonder he was a one-hit wonder…
"Roundabout"—YES (1972) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there." Yep, that’s pretty much what mountains do, alright—they just stand there! BTW, you don't suppose there's a Yes tribute band out there named "Yep", do ya? Or perhaps "Yeah"? "Affirmative"? Maybe "Aye, Aye"? "Hell Yes", perhaps? Whaddya mean "No"?!?
"Draggin’ The Line"—TOMMY JAMES (1971) "Huggin’ a tree when you get near it." Ah yes, the line that gave birth to the phrase "Tree-hugging hippie"! Too bad such a dopey line is in such a cool song…
"Hurts So Good"—JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP (1982) "Walk around all day long!" My objection here isn't the line itself so much as the way it’s emphasized in the song—as if this activity is something to get excited about. I mean, "Walk around—ALL—DAY—LOONNG"? How thrilling! So typical of Mellencamp’s simple-minded lyrical style, too…
"Devil With A Blue Dress On"—MITCH RYDER & THE DETROIT WHEELS (1966) Follow the bouncing ball through the first verse with me here: "…Lookin’ modern now—here she comes/Wearin’ a wig-hat (a what?!?) with shades to match (how do you match them to a wig-hat?)/high-heeled shoes and an alligator hat (sounds rather redundant if she’s already wearing a wig-hat, whatever that is!)/Wearin’ her pearls and a diamond ring/She got bracelets on her fingers (bracelets don’t go on fingers, they go on wrists!) and everything…" Talk about your fashion nightmares! Was she wearing a red nose and a flower that squirts water too? Based on this description, this supposedly "modern" chick sounds like a cross between a drag queen and a bag lady! Or should that be a bag queen and a drag lady?
And while I’m on the subject of lyrics—here’s an oft-misquoted line from Paul McCartney’s "Live And Let Die" (1973): "And in this ever-changing world in which we live in…" Let me defend Sir Paul’s honor here because people screw this one up all the time. If you listen carefully, the line actually goes, "And IF this ever-changing world in which WE’RE LIVING/Makes you give in and cry/Then Live And Let Die!" Makes sense now, don’t it?
More to come later...
Please to see my moviereview
Okay kids, I finally gave in and actually went to see Borat the other night, after a dear friend razzed me for criticizing it in one of my early blog entries without actually seeing the film. In my defense, I wasn’t criticizing the film itself at that time so much as all the hype and hysteria surrounding it because I felt as if the whole thing was being force-fed to me. But, being’s as I hadn’t even set foot in a movie theater in almost two years anyway, and since I strive to be fair and balanced (unlike a certain news channel that shall remain nameless here), I decided to go see what all the fuss is about.
First off, I tried to block out my preconceived notions and negative attitude and went in with an open mind, but I have to say I still wasn’t impressed with Borat. Actually, it wasn’t totally wretched—it DID have its moments now and then, especially the slapstick scenes, like with Borat and the fat prostitute on the mechanical bull, for one—but overall, I just didn’t care for it. I tried to like this movie (I honestly did!), but it just didn’t work for me.
I’ll say one thing, though, if Sacha Baron Cohen’s aim was to offend people, he succeeded mightily. Although I personally wasn’t terribly offended by anything in Borat, I can see how other people would have been. Everyone made a fuss about the film being insulting to Jews (which it was), but hell, what about the good people of Kazakhstan itself? They were basically portrayed as a bunch of backward-ass, scrotum-scratching, white trash hicks, and somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly accurate. Also, there was just a tad too much male nudity in this movie than I’d care to look at—shit, this thing made Brokeback Mountain seem like a Disney flick in comparison!
Normally, I love a good satire (Weird Al Yankovic, "South Park", or "M.X.C." anyone?), but this one just wasn’t the laugh riot that I look for in a satire. It took me a while to figure out why I was so put off by the movie, but I think it comes down to the way Cohen was constantly putting people on the spot. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like being fucked with—even if it’s all in good fun—and watching this guy make innocent people look stupid and/or feel uncomfortable made me squirm a lot, and that’s why I didn’t find it all that funny.
So alas, all you Sacha Baron Cohen fans out there--I’m sticking to my original prognostication that he'll make the ideal opening act for William Hung in Branson (where careers go to die) for many years to come. He’s a one-shot deal, and he'll merely be the answer to a trivia question in a couple years. But fear not—I'm sure he'll be fondly remembered by the hack comedian wanna-be's on VH-1's "I Love The '00s" when it airs in 2010...
By the way, NINE fucking bucks a ticket now? Geez, Louise—you can get almost half a lap dance for that much! NOW, I remember why I don’t go to movies much anymore…
First off, I tried to block out my preconceived notions and negative attitude and went in with an open mind, but I have to say I still wasn’t impressed with Borat. Actually, it wasn’t totally wretched—it DID have its moments now and then, especially the slapstick scenes, like with Borat and the fat prostitute on the mechanical bull, for one—but overall, I just didn’t care for it. I tried to like this movie (I honestly did!), but it just didn’t work for me.
I’ll say one thing, though, if Sacha Baron Cohen’s aim was to offend people, he succeeded mightily. Although I personally wasn’t terribly offended by anything in Borat, I can see how other people would have been. Everyone made a fuss about the film being insulting to Jews (which it was), but hell, what about the good people of Kazakhstan itself? They were basically portrayed as a bunch of backward-ass, scrotum-scratching, white trash hicks, and somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly accurate. Also, there was just a tad too much male nudity in this movie than I’d care to look at—shit, this thing made Brokeback Mountain seem like a Disney flick in comparison!
Normally, I love a good satire (Weird Al Yankovic, "South Park", or "M.X.C." anyone?), but this one just wasn’t the laugh riot that I look for in a satire. It took me a while to figure out why I was so put off by the movie, but I think it comes down to the way Cohen was constantly putting people on the spot. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like being fucked with—even if it’s all in good fun—and watching this guy make innocent people look stupid and/or feel uncomfortable made me squirm a lot, and that’s why I didn’t find it all that funny.
So alas, all you Sacha Baron Cohen fans out there--I’m sticking to my original prognostication that he'll make the ideal opening act for William Hung in Branson (where careers go to die) for many years to come. He’s a one-shot deal, and he'll merely be the answer to a trivia question in a couple years. But fear not—I'm sure he'll be fondly remembered by the hack comedian wanna-be's on VH-1's "I Love The '00s" when it airs in 2010...
By the way, NINE fucking bucks a ticket now? Geez, Louise—you can get almost half a lap dance for that much! NOW, I remember why I don’t go to movies much anymore…
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