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GOOD KNIGHT AND GOOD RIDDANCE
Of all the names I’ve ever called Bobby Knight, I never imagined “quitter” would be one of them, but the big jerk abruptly decided to retire from coaching yesterday, with well over a month remaining on the Texas Tech basketball schedule. Knight has his admirers and Knight has his detractors—you can count me in the latter group. Yes, he’s the winningest coach in NCAA history, and yes, most of his players actually finish school and graduate—very admirable on both counts—but that doesn’t justify his often boorish behavior, on the court, and especially off it. I’m sorry, but I find it rather difficult to respect someone who goes around hurling office equipment at defenseless female support staffers or picking fights with university officials at salad bars, and yet goes around playing martyr because he gets such a bad rap. Whatever, Bob—I’ll save my respect for the classy coaches like Dean Smith, John Wooden and Coach K.
PETTY THOUGHTS ON THE SUPER BOWL
Yes, pun intended. One thing I could’ve done without during Tom Petty’s Super Bowl set was the “designated audience” rushing the front of the stage as if Petty was their idol—these were the same people who were bopping along to Alicia Keys during the pre-game show. K.C. Star sports columnist Jeff Flanagan also made an excellent point in today’s paper about the halftime shows of recent years. By featuring old-school acts like Tom Petty, Paul McCartney, Prince and The Stones, it speaks volumes about the current sorry-ass state of the music biz. There aren’t any remotely-decent—let alone relevant—bands out there today that are worthy of such a big-time stage. Pretty damn sad...
Getting back to Alicia Keys, I know she’s highly-acclaimed and all, but I just don’t see what the big deal is about her. Decent voice, I guess, but her music doesn’t do anything for me. And I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve grown really weary of all these female singers who do the whole choreography shtick that Madonna pioneered way back when. Is there no room for improvisation on stage anymore? Call me old-school, but Pat Benatar, Ann Wilson and Belinda Carlisle never needed a flotilla of dancers on stage with them to get their point across—they let their singing to the talking, which is how it should be.
As for the rest of the day’s proceedings, there’s something just a tad warped about Fox-TV staging a pre-game show that was nearly an hour longer than the game itself—can you say overkill, boys and girls? And Ryan Seacrest is about the phoniest som-bitch this side of John Tesh. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I missed most of the first quarter and part of the second quarter, therefore I didn’t get to see all the commercials, so I can’t really comment on them, but the one I liked was the Coke ad featuring the Macy’s parade balloons of Underdog and Stewie from “Family Guy” losing their beloved soda to Charlie Brown, who finally scored for once!
A CLEAR-CUT MAJORITY
There’s been a rather comical attempt by local politico wanna-be Richard Tolbert to block the recently approved plan to demolish Bannister Mall and replace it with a new soccer stadium for the Kansas City Wizards, along with an attached office and retail complex similar in concept to the Legends complex adjacent to the Kansas Speedway over in Wyandotte County. Mr. Tolbert—a black man—says Bannister Mall is still viable and that there is a definite need for a “black mall” in the area—is this not racism in reverse? He claims Bannister is still worth saving, never mind the fact that there were only a handful of shops still operating when the mall closed last May, and nearly all of them were operated by African-Americans—and not exactly doing scintillating business, either.
Anyway, Mr. Tolbert tried to get a petition going to block the new project, which required a minimum of 8,475 signatures and he managed to obtain all but 8,473 of them—and one of those was probably his! The guy has no actual plan to save the mall anyway, and what’s worse, this joker doesn’t even live anywhere near it! If you were so bloody concerned about saving Bannister Mall, Mr. Tolbert, where the fuck were you about ten years ago when all the carjackings, purse-snatchings and sexual assaults started driving customers away, causing the long steady decline of what was once one of the premier shopping malls in this region? Okay, bud, you got your name in the paper, you had your 15 minutes of fame, now go crawl back under your rock before you fuck up a really cool project for the rest of us.
THE THING THAT WON’T GO AWAY
Remember that old “Saturday Night Live” skit where John Belushi was this uninvited guest of Bill Murray and Jane Curtin who wouldn’t take a hint and refused to leave the premises? Well, I get that same vibe from local “legendary” DJ Randy Miller, who’s openly-campaigning to be the morning drive jock at the new 99.7 Boulevard station. This hack used to be the #1 jock in Kansas City for years back during the ‘80s and ‘90s, and I’ve never understood why—he’s not all that funny, his on-air comments and publicity stunts often backfired on him, thus leading to numerous suspensions and/or firings from the various stations he worked at, and he’s Exhibit A on why I so totally despise that species of sub-humans known as “shock jocks”. He also goes around now claiming to be a Born-Again Christian to make people think he’s not the asshole he used to be, but I’m not buying it. Fortunately, The Boulevard says their focus will be on the music, so they aren’t likely to hire Miller for his shopworn on-air histrionics anyway.
A BLAST FROM THE PAST
Anybody out there remember this guy? Anybody out there got a hanker for a hunka cheese? Special thanks to my friend Stacy for jogging my memory banks—I hadn't seen ol' Timer in over 30 years!
…what Vincent Furnier got for his 60th birthday. Our favorite Rock ‘N’ Roll ghoul this side of Gene Simmons, the legendary Alice Cooper, hit the big 6-0 yesterday—pretty shocking for a shock Rocker. But AC is still quite active these days, and his syndicated radio show, “Nights With Alice Cooper” is rather enjoyable, as he always digs up some obscure old-school stuff and plays it, but sadly we don’t get it here in KC anymore with the recent demise of 99.7 KY. Alice is also a rather paradoxical individual. He was condemned by the religious right for his demonic stage show, yet he’s the son of a minister, and swears off using profanity (tee-hee!). He’s the quintessential Rock Star, yet his major vice now is playing golf! He’s a reformed alcoholic, but owns a chain of baseball-themed sports bars (named “Cooperstown”, naturally).
Cooper’s heyday was the early ‘70s, of course, and he paved the way for not only theatrical bands like Kiss, but the whole Glam Rock genre as well. Alice overindulged in alcohol and his career nosedived in the late ‘70s, apart from several middle-of-the-road hit singles, like “How You Gonna See Me Now?” (co-written by Elton John lyricist Bernie Taupin), "I Never Cry", "You And Me" and “Only Women Bleed”, and by the ‘80s, Alice was pretty much a has-been. Then he resurrected his career in 1989 with his killer comeback album Trash, which featured contributions from the members of Aerosmith and Bon Jovi, and he’s toured pretty steadily since then. For some reason, I’ve never seen Alice in concert before, so I can’t really comment on his live act, other than what I’ve seen in videos, and there’s nothing too outrageous for him to try on stage, including beheading himself and living to tell about it.
My All-Time Alice Cooper Top 15 (or so):
15) [tie] “Bed Of Nails” (1989)/"Spark In The Dark" (1989) These two songs from Trash are very similar in terms of style and content, so I include them together. With lines like "I'll drive you like a hammer on a bed of nails" and "I wanna touch you everywhere", there ain't a whole lotta subtlety here...
14) “I Got A Line On You” (1988) Nice remake of the 1969 Spirit classic, which was included on the soundtrack of the Louis Gossett, Jr. action flick Iron Eagle II.
13) “Hey Stoopid” (1991) Title track of the rather disappointing follow-up to Trash, it's a pretty good anti-drug song along the lines of "Kicks" by Paul Revere & The Raiders—i.e., it gets its point across without losing its cool. It also features a cameo appearance by Ozzy Osbourne and guitar from Joe Satriani and Slash from G 'n' R. And that's future Kiss drummer Eric Singer on the drums in the video.
12) "House Of Fire" (1989) Another romantic love ballad from Alice, this time co-written by Joan Jett.
11) “Might As Well Be On Mars” (1991) Great song from Hey Stoopid about feeling alienated from friends. This came out during a period when I felt blown-off by some co-workers I thought were my friends, so I related to it, big-time.
10) “Clones (We’re All)” (1980) One of Alice's oddest tunes, which came out during the period where he was very unfocused musically, but for some reason, I really like this one. Rather trippy in a Gary Numan-sort of way.
9) “Hello Hooray” (1974) Opening track off what was probably AC's best '70s album, Billion Dollar Babies. I didn't think much of this one at first, but it's really grown on me over time.
8) "I'm Eighteen" (1971) Alice's music publishing company filed a lawsuit against Paul Stanley and Kiss in 1999 because his song "Dreamin'" off the Psycho Circus album bears more than a passing resemblance to the tune of "I'm Eighteen". Alice himself wasn't all that upset about it, though. Gotta love the old video of this one where Alice was clearly drunk off his ass and stumbling around in those platform shoes.
7) “Poison” (1989) Song that put AC back on the map and introduced him to a whole new generation of headbangers to boot.
6) “Under My Wheels” (1974) If and when I ever do break down and get a cell phone, I want a ringtone on it with this song's opening line, "The telephone is ringin'..."
5) “Be My Lover” (1971) This was the first thing I ever remember hearing from Alice on AM radio when I was seven. I love the story behind that mysterious "click" near the end of the song right after Alice sings, "...and I'm still on my own". Seems that drummer Neil Smith was being a hot dog in the studio by twirling his sticks as if he were on-stage, and he fumbled them. They left it in anyway...
4) “Why Trust You?” (1989) A song I dedicate (with love) to Dubya, especially the lines "You promised me the moon and the stars and the sun, but you never did nothing for anyone," and "I wonder how low you would go, I wonder how high your head would blow...Gimme one good reason--why trust you?"
3) “School’s Out” (1972) Pretty hard not to like this anthem whilst growing up during the '70s.
2) “No More Mr. Nice Guy” (1973) Very underrated guitar work here by the late Glen Buxton, and one of the greatest "fuck you" songs ever.
1) “Elected” (1972) Purely tongue-in-cheek, but so very classic. I remember seeing the "campaign video" on "Midnight Special" way back in the day. Shit, at this point, I wish to hell Big Al would fucking run for President—I'd cast my vote for the Wild Party in a heartbeat. Yankee Doodle Dandy, indeed!
Far be it for me to ever root for a New York sports team (my mighty New Jersey Devils notwithstanding), but a major salute goes out from yours truly to Eli Manning and the New York Football Giants for their titanic upset of the New England Patriots in Stupor Bowl 42 tonight. Now, I won't claim that I predicted the G-men to win tonight, but I did say that this game would be a whole lot closer than the 14-point spread that was predicted (check back to this here blog a couple weeks ago). Props to young master E. Manning (the game's MVP) for engineering the game-winning drive with 2.5 minutes to go, climaxing with Plexiglas Burress' TD catch with :35 remaining to give the Giants the 17-14 win, thus popping numerous corks in the greater Miami area as the 1972 Dolphins alumni can still lay claim to the only perfect season in NFL history.
Props also go out to Tom Petty for his very classy halftime performance that included no waredrobe malfunctions or phallic symbols whatsoever. Although I'm not all that big a TP fan, he's managed to put together a very steady and consistent career, and he did himself proud tonight.
A little '70s vintage drug humor for you, there...
WHAT CAN BROWNE DO FOR YOU?
I've been tuning in from time to time to our new radio station here in KC, 99.7 "The Boulevard", and I have to admit it ain't near as wretched as I expected it to be. However, one thing I'm baffled by is their frequent and borderline-obsessive use of Jackson Browne in their drop-in promos and heavy rotation of his music. Don't get me wrong—JB seems like a nice guy and he's had a pretty good career, and yes, I know they named their station after one of his songs, but I can't believe there's that big an outcry to hear his music on the radio. I would also submit that while he has some great songs, Jackson Browne does not belong in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. My good friend Tom and I actually walked out on one of his concerts at Sandstone Amphitheater in 1993. We (I, actually) were there to see the opening act, my man John Hiatt, but Browne's set was so disorganized and haphazard that we wondered if he and his band were still rehearsing! He might've finally gotten around to playing his biggies like "Running On Empty" and "Doctor My Eyes", but we didn't wait around to find out...
As for the radio station's new format, while it totally seems like a neutered version of the Classic Rock station it replaced (completely bereft of power chords and all) I do like some of the musical selections I've caught on their airwave so far—stuff you rarely hear on the radio anymore like Springsteen's "Cadillac Ranch", The Police's "Can't Stand Losing You" and (just as I had hoped), Dire Straits' "Tunnel Of Love". On the downside, they need to go easy on spinning "Born To Run" so much. (Sorry, Randy!)
AND WHILE I'M ON LOCAL RADIO...
Can someone explain to me why I should give a rip that some of our local KC sports talk yakkers were broadcasting live all week from Phoenix? Apart from two former Chiefs playing for the Giants (Lawrence Tynes and Kawika Mitchell), there's no local Super Bowl angle at all. It's rather pathetic listening to these guys hurling softball questions to any former NFL star who'll care to share his Super Bowl experiences with them. Dead air would actually sound better...
IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!
We had some weird weather phenomenon yesterday morning, as it was snowing while the sun was out. I fully expected this to produce a snow-bow, but none was forthcoming...
GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST LEAGUE?
It seems that Montgomery, Alabama's minor league baseball team is called the Biscuits. Apparently they play in the same division as the Birmingham Bagels and the Sarasota Cinnamon Rolls...
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?
I read this week that Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens—arguably the Yankee Stadium of hockey—is going to be converted into an oversized grocery store. MLG closed in 1999 when the Maple Leafs (Leaves?) moved to the antiseptic Air Canada Center, and the team's owners won't allow the old building to host anything that might compete with the ACC, so MLG has been wasting away ever since. A grocery store?!? I'd just as soon see them implode the friggin' place...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #69
"Whisky Man"—MOLLY HATCHET (1979) "Ohh, straight at cha, babe!" I always mistook the late Danny Joe Brown's opening line to mean "Stretch your belt!" Well, come on, this was a song about drinking heavily, and when you do so, sometimes it's necessary to loosen the old belt a little...
JARED, DON'T YOU LOSE THAT NUMBER...
Chiefs defensive end Jared Allen has opened a new bar & grill here in town, a radio commercial for which claims "We'll wine you, we'll dine you, we'll sixty-nine you!" Some folks might not be aware that Jared wears #69 for the Chiefs, but hopefully they won't be offended...
SPLATTERED ALL OVER—MANHATTAN
Mmmm-kay, it wasn't quite a splattering, but I've been dying to use that line. Congrats to the Kansas State Wildcats mens' bassit-ball team for finally figuring out how to beat Kansas in their own building Wednesday night. You see, the Mildcats hadn't beaten KU at home since 1983, and this was their first win over the Jayhawks at their current home, Bramlage Coliseum, which opened 20 years ago. Also nice to see K-State return to their former glory as a basketball power. Hopefully Missouri will soon follow suit, if and when their players quit being knuckleheads by getting shit-faced and starting bar brawls that result in mass suspensions...
MISSED OPPORTUNITY
I was listening to my Heart Greatest Hits CD at work today. Good stuff from Ann and Nancy Wilson, to be sure. A thought occurred to me, though—it's a dirty shame Jimmy Buffett already used the album title Songs You Know By Heart...
WHERE GREAT IDEAS ORIGINATE
You know where they got the idea for bar codes from? Very simple, really—they just took aerial photographs of this dude's hair...
The Cars are another band that I took an immediate dislike to when they first came along, but grew to really like as time wore on. When their first album started getting mass radio airplay in ’78, I was heavily into Kiss and Ted Nugent and other testosterony Rock ‘N’ Roll at the time, so I was highly resistant to the whole New Wave scene, especially these nerdy-looking guys wearing skinny neckties. I was also largely unimpressed with The Cars when they played Summer Jam ’79 at Arrowhead Stadium (on the same bill with Heart and Nugent), but to be fair, they weren’t a stadium band, and came off much better live in smaller venues, as their various concert video clips attest. Their second album, Candy-O, came out about that same time, and that’s when The Cars started to grow on me, and once I got past the un-photogenic Ric Ocasek’s often obtuse lyrics, they eventually wound up being one of my favorite bands from the ‘80s.
As with Cheap Trick and Journey, I find The Cars’ “B-stuff” to be far superior to their big radio hits. “Good Times Roll”, “Just What I Needed” and “My Best Friend’s Girl” are okay songs, but with me they pale in comparison underrated gems like “Don’t Cha Stop”, “Got A Lot On My Head” and “Think It Over”. Their high-water mark for me was 1981’s Shake It Up, which is one of my favorite albums from the techno-pop era. Keyboardist Greg Hawkes was all over that record with his synthesizers, but not to the point of overkill as with many other ‘80s contemporaries. Bassist Benjamin Orr was the other unsung hero of The Cars, as he was the far superior vocalist to Ocasek, and I tend to gravitate more toward his songs than Ric’s.
Their 1984 release, Heartbeat City, was a major commercial success, but that album left me really flat. I thought stuff like “Magic”, “Hello Again” and the insipid “You Might Think” were a bit too cutesy and wimpy, with the only true highlight being “Drive” (the band's biggest hit ever), which showcased Ben Orr’s outstanding vocals. Conversely, their final album, 1987’s Door To Door was a major flop, but a much better record in my opinion, with standout songs like “Strap Me In”, “Ta Ta Wayo Wayo”, the title track and “You Are The Girl”. The video for the latter song was a total hoot, featuring all matter of alien “girls” reminiscent of Star Wars cantina bar patrons.
By the mid-'80s, the lure of solo careers for Ocasek, Orr and guitarist Elliot Easton beckoned and the band broke up in 1988 after six albums—still a fairly prolific output for an ‘80s band. Orr’s solo career got off to a great start in ’86 with the adult contemporary hit “Stay The Night”—great make-out song, by the way—but never really advanced after that. Ocasek’s solo stuff was rather hit-and-miss, and Easton’s went largely unnoticed. I always held out hope for a Cars reunion someday, but that was quashed with Orr’s untimely death in October, 2000 from pancreatic cancer. At the time of his passing, Orr was playing in a band called Big People, which also included .38 Special guitarist Jeff Carlisi and erstwhile Nugent sidekick Derek St. Holmes—not a bad lineup. Hawkes and Easton—apparently with the full blessing of Ocasek and retired original drummer David Robinson—did put together "The New Cars" and toured a couple years back with ‘70s legend Todd Rundgren replacing Ocasek, Utopia bassist Kasim Sultan taking Orr’s spot and former Tubes drummer Prairie Prince, but it was hardly the same, and reeked of tribute-band syndrome—that "New Car" smell, you might say. "Used Cars" would've been a more appropriate name. [Sorry, couldn't resist...]
My All-Time Cars Top 20:
20) “Panorama” (1980) Title track off The Cars’ third album, which wasn’t quite as good as their first two. This song’s really quirky, but I still like it anyway.
19) “Let’s Go” (1979) Opening track and biggest hit from Candy-O, and a song all about some chick who doesn’t wear shoes, but really likes the nightlife, baby.
18) “Door To Door” (1987) One of the faster Cars songs ever, complete with driving beat. Get it? Cars/driving! Har-de-har-har...
17) “Dangerous Type” (1979) Closing track on Candy-O, the lyrics of which I used to alter when singing, "She's a NUT like you—the dangerous type..."
16) "Moving In Stereo" (1978) Song forever associated with the masturbation scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Not unlike Journey’s “City Of The Angels”, this was one of the most accidentally-played songs on the radio because the intro overlaps the previous album track, “Bye Bye Love”.
15) “Touch And Go” (1980) The biggest hit off the somewhat disappointing Panorama album, the guitar on this song has an almost 1950’s tone to it.
14) “Strap Me In” (1987) Opening track from the ill-fated Door To Door album. Not sure why this one tanked—it’s not a bad song.
13) “Just What I Needed” (1978) Very sad to hear this one being used on TV commercials now.
12) “Cruiser” (1981) A favorite off Shake It Up featuring Elliot Easton and Greg Hawkes trading riffs with their respective instruments.
11) “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight” (1978) I remember this being the lone song that really came off well at that Arrowhead gig, as Greg Hawkes’ synthesizer sound seemed to swirl all around the stadium during the choruses.
10) “Shake It Up” (1981) Great hit single. I always loved the Bernadette Peters clone in the video for this one too.
9) “Night Spots” (1979) Hawkes shows off some more here, and the Close Encounters riff was a brilliant added touch.
8) “Gimme Some Slack” (1980) I have no earthly idea what Ocasek means by lines like “I wanna shake like LaGuardia...”, but I’ve always loved this song anyway. Ever notice how eerily similar the drum intro bit is to that of Devo’s “Whip It”? They’re practically identical.
7) “Ta Ta Wayo Wayo” (1987) More Ocasek goofiness in the lyrics, but this one was quite catchy.
6) “It’s All I Can Do” (1979) One of Ben Orr’s finest vocal outings, and a great song about pining for someone you can’t have—been there, done that. It was a perfect fit for the soundtrack of Adam Sandler’s The Wedding Singer.
5) “Candy-O” (1979) Another fine Ben Orr vocal outing.
4) “A Dream Away” (1981) This song from Shake It Up has a very hypnotic quality about it that makes you just want to lay back and go on a little head trip, and you don’t even need any drugs...
3) “Got A Lot On My Head” (1979) One of Ocasek’s better vocal performances and some nifty guitar work from Easton.
2) “Think It Over” (1981) My favorite track among many faves from Shake It Up. This one had “hit single” written all over it, and I never understood why they didn’t release it as such.
1) “Don’t Cha Stop” (1978) Easily my favorite song off the first Cars album—this song is quintessential techno-pop at its finest. Singer Albert Hammond, Jr. does a nice cover version of it too.
DID YOUR MOTHER MAKE YOU WEAR THAT SHIRT?
Unfortunately, yes, she did! I was foraging through my personal archives today, and unearthed this little gem—my First Grade school photo from Blue Ridge Elementary, circa. Fall, 1970. How 'bout those baby blues, huh? And where the hell did those Opie-esque freckles come from?
Funny story behind this photo—I had to have my pic taken a few weeks after the rest of the class had theirs done because on the night before the scheduled class photo day, I just had to do my Evel Knievel impersonation by attempting to pop a wheelie on my mighty Sears bicycle, which resulted in me crashing into our neighbor's driveway, knocking myself out cold and rendering yours truly with a rather unsightly fat lip! Meantime, I hated that bloody shirt then and I loathe it exponentially more now. At least my ugly-ass Sears Toughskins pants ain't visible here...
A BLESSING IN DISGUISE
I had to drop 500 semolians this week to repair my furnace, which just up and quit overnight when it got down to four degrees in the great outdoors the other night. Seems that it was internally overheating because my condenser coil was dirty and clogged with all manner of crap, which prohibited proper airflow and triggered an automatic shut-off switch. The blessing part came when the repairman detected how rusted-out the pipe leading from the furnace to my roof exhaust pipe was. This is where carbon monoxide builds up and is transported out, and if it had started leaking out into my crawl space and drifted upstairs through the vents, yours truly would no longer need a furnace, so the 500 bucks was a small price to pay to correct this potentially lethal situation. I lost a friend to carbon monoxide poisioning 13 years ago this month, so this really hit home with me. Special thanks to the "heating man from A.B. May", as their local TV ad jingles say.
HE WASN'T A HOMOSEXUAL—HE JUST PLAYED ONE IN A MOVIE!
The way some morons are reacting to actor Heath Ledger's untimely death, you'd think he was indeed gay, never mind that he dated his female co-star from Brokeback Mountain and fathered a child with her. Uhhh, Tom Hanks played a gay man in Philadelphia, yet no one considers him to be gay, do they? The late John Ritter's character pretended to be gay on "Three's Company", but everyone knew he was straight, right? Well, none of that stopped Fox News radio host John Gibson from taking pot shots at Ledger by using the line where Ledger's Brokeback character said, "I wish I knew how to quit you," to which Gibson tastelessly replied, "Well, he found out how to quit you!" Gibson later offered a predictably half-assed and totally insincere apology that no one—least of all me—is buying. Then again, what else should one expect from some douche connected with Faux News Channel?
And to the surprise of absolutely no one, the merry band of walking/talking human feces known as Rev. Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church plans to protest at Ledger's funeral. It figures. I hope the funeral is held in Ledger's native Australia so these fuckers will have to pay through the nose to get there.
THE NEW YORK TIMES' EFFECT ON MAN?
The New York Times ripped on former mayor and current flagging Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani pretty good this week with an editorial that endorsed John McCain, saying "The Rudolph Giuliani of 2008 first shamelessly turned the horror of 9/11 into a lucrative business, with a secret client list, then exploited his city's and the country's nightmare to promote his presidential campaign." Pretty strong words, yes, but let's not forget that even though ol' Rudy handled the 9/11 tragedy about as well as anyone could under the circumstances, prior to all that, he was a VERY unpopular mayor, and some New Yawkers wanted his head on a platter. He'll be dropping out of the race any minute now...
A LITTLE SLOW ON THE UPTAKE, HERE...
It took me well over 30 years to make this connection, but the game Gnip-Gnop is "Ping-Pong" spelled backwards! Hell, I bet Forrest Gump even figured that out before I did...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #68
"China Grove"—THE DOOBIE BROTHERS (1973) This song seems to have bamboozled everyone for decades. I've seen two different interpretations here: "When the gossip gets to flying, they a-lign when the sun goes fallin' down..." and "When the gossip gets to flying, they ain't lying..." Anybody know which one's correct?
CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #3
All hail the mighty Milton Bradley!
This time I salute a local favorite, the Smaks hamburger chain, which at one time was huge in the Kansas City area. At their peak, they had nearly two dozen locations around the city in the early '70s, including one in Raytown on 50 Hiway that I could literally see from my bedroom window when I was young. My apologies for the poor photo quality here (click to enlarge), which I pirated from a Kansas City Star publication—get a load of those menu prices on the sign! We rarely ate out as a family (Dad hated taking us anywhere) but when we did, we frequented Smaks more than any other fast food joint, to the point where I never even set foot in a McDonald's until 1973! Smaks had the finest vanilla shakes on the planet, too...
The typical Smaks was laid out in similar fashion to Sonic drive-ins, although they didn't provide curb service—you had to go inside to get your food. Smaks even had a mascot, Smaky The Seal, who appeared in their TV and print ads, giving their food his "Seal of Approval", naturally. Sadly, Smaks was unable to compete with McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's as the '70s wore on, and one by one, their restaurants closed. The one in Raytown died sometime in 1974-75 and was converted into a Dog 'N' Suds root beer stand, which will be the subject of a future post. A Firestone tire place now occupies the site.
A little TV/movie trivia for you, just for fun...
—Al Bundy on "Married...With Children" always bragged about his exploits on the gridiron for Polk High School. The man who played him, actor Ed O'Neill, actually was a football player in real life. He was drafted and cut by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1969. He was also once considered (and turned down, thankfully) for the role of the father on the saccharine "Family Ties".
—Actor Mike Riley—best known for playing Tarzan in three films in the '60s, as well as Col. Penobscott on "M*A*S*H" and Junior in Smokey And The Bandit—actually did play for the Steelers, as well as the L.A. Rams. He was a linebacker in the late '50s and early '60s.
—Film legend Spencer Tracy was offered the role of The Penguin on TV's "Batman" before Burgess Meredith got it. Lyle Waggoner lost out to Adam West for the show's title role, too. Maybe there IS a God after all...
—John Voight turned down the role of oceanographer Matt Hooper in Jaws. Dummy.
—John Belushi was slated to be in Ghostbusters in the role that subsequently went to Ernie Hudson.
—Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale—a little "Gilligan's Island" trivia for you: The late Jayne Mansfield was considered for the role of Ginger. Ginger's last name was Grant...Gilligan's first name was Willie, although it was never mentioned on the show...The Skipper's name was Jonas Grumby (he's Grumby, dammit!) and The Professor's name was Roy Hinkley...The Wellingtons sang the show's famous theme song...Actor Jerry Van Dyke (later of "Coach" fame) passed on the role of Gilligan because he thought it was "the worst thing I've ever read."
—Howie Mandel of "Deal Or No Deal" provided the voice of Gizmo in the film Gremlins.
—Anybody remember the '70s kids show "Isis"? Actress JoAnna Cameron was also considered for the role that went to Ali McGraw in 1970's Love Story.
—Film legend Lana Turner allegedly dated Judge Joseph Wapner in high school. Wonder if Rain Man knew that...
—Among those who auditioned for "The Monkees" and were turned down: Harry Nilsson, Stephen Stills, Danny Hutton (later of Three Dog Night), songwriter Paul Williams and—keep your smelling salts handy, now—charming Charles Manson!
GONNA HAVE TO FACE IT, I'M ADDICTED TO PUNS
Behold an outfit that calls themselves the "Dead Robert Palmer Chicks". All I gotta say about this pic is it's a sure sign of the Apoca-lips!
SOBRIETY—WHAT A CONCEPT!
In what is a minor miracle for yours truly, tonight is the tenth night in a row during which I have consumed no alcohol. I fully admit to being a bit of a knucklehead over the past few years by overindulging in drinks of a liquorous nature (beer being my major vice), but since the first of the year, I've found myself abstaining more often than imbibing for a change. I have no intention of going on the wagon altogether, but beer's been tasting more and more like piss to me lately and the hangovers are getting harder to recover from, so I'm giving my body a much-needed break from it all. I'm also trying to drop some major weight, and laying off the suds has already paid dividends—I've lost a dozen or so pounds since Christmas and probably saved myself easily 40 bucks during that time that I would normally have spent on beer. Even more impressive to me is that I've had five Mich. Ultras sitting in my coolerator over the past ten days to tempt me, and I haven't even looked at them. Just like Hawkeye on "M*A*S*H", I'll go back to beer when I want some, not when I need some.
MAYBE LIKE ELI MANNING'S TEAM, MAYBE
Looks like we might have a fairly entertaining Super Bowl this year, as New England gets the N.Y. Giants for the second time in a little over a month. Lots of intrigue with the Patriots shooting for perfection and the Giants being the hottest team in football—I think the 14-point spread for this one is way too high. Former Chiefs kicker Lawrence Tynes, whose mediocrity was on display on his prior two field goal attempts, somehow managed to connect on a 47-yarder to win the game in OT for the Giants at Green Bay. A guy who wasn't even good enough for the Chefs gets to kick in the Super Bowl—now, ain't that a kick in the head?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
That's what I now have for Chargers QB Philip Rivers, after it was revealed that he underwent surgery on his ailing knee early last week just so he could play Sunday against New England. Gotta give it up to someone who plays hurt, or at least tries to gut it out, like RB LaDainian Tomlinson did as well Sunday, but his knee was hurt worse that Rivers', so he was removed from the lineup early in the game. That wasn't good enough for "Neon" Deion Sanders on the NFL Network, who criticized LT for not sucking it up and playing longer into the game. Leave it to Mr. "Turf-Toe" himself to question someone else's toughness—this pussy couldn't even tackle the anorexic Olsen twin! Deion is also the guy who once refused to pay a $400 car repair shop bill because he claimed that the Lord advised him not to, so consider the source...
(*SIGH*) OSCAR, OSCAR, OSCAR...
Were y'all as underwhelmed by the Oscar nominations today as I was? As usual, it's all high-brow stuff (most of which just came out last month) and a bunch of movies no one's ever actually seen. And of course, Johnny Depp got nominated again—he's the male equivalent of Meryl Streep, and they'd probably nominate him even if he played the role of a speed bump. I may not even waste my time watching the ceremony this year, even if there is one.
HEATH LEDGER, 1979-2008
Sad news in the movie biz as actor Heath Ledger was found dead today of a possible drug overdose. He was also suffering from pnuemonia at the time of his death. He was nominated for a Best Actor Oscar in '05 for the role of one of the gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain. That's a film I normally wouldn't have watched, but since all the right-wing conservative Bible thumpers said I shouldn't, well I naturally had to check it out, and I actually liked it. I thought it had a good storyline, was well-acted, and it was something different for a change. Hell, it didn't make me squirm in my seat half as much as Borat did—the naked male wrestling in it made Brokeback seem like a Disney flick by comparison! And all the Bible thumpers can relax because watching this film didn't make me "turn gay"—I still like girls.
GIVE 'EM HELL, RINGO!
Was amused to hear that Ringo Starr bailed on a scheduled performance on TV's "Regis and Kelly" show today because they expected him to do his new four-minute song in 2:30. Ringo told the show's producers to go get stuffed when they refused to allot him and his band any more time to play the song. After all, it's such an endeavor to work in all of Reeg's witty retorts and retread one-liners on that show, so ex-Beatles just have to take whatever they can get, huh?
SAME AS IT EVER WAS...
Major League Baseball has gone to hell in a hand basket under Commissioner Bud Selig's watch, so what do they do? Give him a three-year contract extension! Now that's progress...
IS THIS WHAT THEY MEAN...
...by the term "product placement"?
A co-worker of mine is a fan of The Eagles, but being the hard-ass that he is, he valiantly refused to knuckle under to Frey/Henley Inc. by buying their latest CD The Long Road Ouf Of Eden at Wal-Mart, so he took the circuitous route and borrowed it from his local library instead! He let me give it a listen the other day, and I was largely underwhelmed by it—it's nothing we haven't heard from these guys before. And given The Eagles' penchant for reuniting for albums and/or tours only when there's a colossal payday involved, it's most fitting their new album has a track on it called "Business As Usual".
I've had a love/hate relationship (more accurately "like/hate") with this band ever since the '70s. I absolutely hated them—hated them—at times. They came across to me as rather snobbish and uppity, with a "we're better than everybody else" attitude, and I always thought they got played way too much on the radio. They did have a few songs I liked, though (like "Witchy Woman" and "Already Gone"), and as I got older, I learned to appreciate their stuff a lot more, although there are some Eagles songs that I never need to hear again as long as I live (namely "Hotel California", "Seven Bridges Road", "Desperado" and "Life In The Fast Lane") because they've been played to death so much.
One good by-product of their various reunions is the double-DVD "Farewell Tour I" concert video they came out with a couple years back, which features phenomenal audio quality and a pretty good performance too. While I tend to agree with Randy Raley's stance that he would prefer it to be an all-Eagles setlist instead of including Henley, Frey and Walsh solo stuff, "Dirty Laundry" and "Sunset Grill" do sound awfully tasty here, and "Life's Been Good" was a high point in the show.
My All-Time Eagles Top 10:
10) "Those Shoes" (1979) Don Henley gets down and dirty, and Joe Walsh gets to play with his squawk-box contraption.
9) "Take It Easy" (1972) Another one that gets played to death on the radio, but I'm sure the good folks in Winslow, Arizona don't mind.
8) "James Dean" (1974) "Too fast to live, too young to die, bye-bye..."
7) "Take It To The Limit" (1976) Former bassist Randy Meisner's high-water mark with the band. This song's intro is eerily similar to that of Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes' "If You Don't Know Me By Now". Meisner went on to have a minor hit in 1981 with "Hearts On Fire".
6) "Heartache Tonight" (1979) I imagine more than a few bar brawls have been set to (or set-off by) this song.
5) "Already Gone" (1974) This was the second song I cranked up the day I accepted my current job, thus freeing me from the miserable one I was stuck in (The Who's "I'm Free" was the first). "I will sing this victory song..."
4) "Lyin' Eyes" (1975) I absolutely couldn't stand this song when I was a kid—too damn long, for one thing! But when I started hearing it with adult ears and actually followed the juicy storyline in the song, I grew to love it.
3) "Witchy Woman" (1972) Or as my older brother and I used to lampoon it, "Itchy Woman"! For the longest time, I didn't even know this was The Eagles—for some reason, I thought it was some other band when I was a kid.
2) "One Of These Nights" (1975) Every time I hear this song, I think back to the summer of '75 with this one playing on the jukebox at Fun House Pizza while I spent all those quarters on pinball and playing those prehistoric video games. This one comes off surprisingly well live in concert too.
1) "Get Over It" (1994) I love songs with rapid-fire lyrics, mostly because they're usually funny too, and this one's a killer! Full of attitude, Don Henley scores a direct hit on the daytime talk-show circuit, or "White Trash Theater", as I like to call it. Love the line, "You're makin' the most of your losing streak—some call it sick, well, I call it weak..." Oh, and if you don't like my opinion of this song, well, get over it! (Sorry, couldn't resist!)
It's funny how this goes in cycles. It's been over a month or so since any famous people passed away—most notably Dan Fogelberg and Ike Turner—yet there's been half a dozen notable passings in just the past three days...
SUZANNE PLESHETTE, 1937-2008
Actress Suzanne Pleshette died yesterday of respiratory failure less than two weeks shy of her 71st birthday. She'd also battled lung cancer over the past couple years. I can't think of anyone else who could've played the role of Emily Hartley on "The Bob Newhart Show" so perfectly—attractive, level-headed, and classy. Her death comes just a few months after that of her husband, actor Tom Poston. Pleshette was also briefly married to actor Troy Donahue in the mid-'60s.
ALLAN MELVIN, 1922-2008
He was probably best known as Sam The Butcher on "The Brady Bunch", but I prefer to remember him as Archie Bunker's neighbor Barney Hefner on "All In The Family". Allan Melvin died of cancer on Thursday at age 84, and he was also known as Cpl. Henshaw on "The Phil Silvers Show", Sgt. Hacker on "Gomer Pyle, USMC", as well as providing the voice for the "Magilla Gorilla" cartoon in the '60s. Melvin was born right here in Kansas City, too, but was raised in New York.
ERNIE HOLMES, 1948-2008
One of the more colorful NFL players of the '70s, Ernie Holmes was 1/4 of the Pittsburgh Steelers' famed "Steel Curtain" defensive line during their glory years. Holmes, a defensive tackle out of Texas Southern, might be best known for shaving his hair into the shape of an arrow on his head for a game here against the Chiefs, giving him the nickname "Arrowhead Ernie". The sad-sack Chiefs sure could've used him back then, too! Holmes was killed in a one-car accident on Thursday.
GEORGIA FRONTIERE, 1927-2008
Back in the '70s when the Chiefs totally sucked, the Los Angeles Rams were my adopted favorite NFL team, and Georgia Frontiere became their owner when her husband Carroll Rosenbloom died in 1979. The Rams left the famed LA Coliseum not long after that and moved in with the Angels in Anaheim (and ruined a perfectly good baseball stadium in the process, although it has been subsequently restored). Unhappy next to Disneyland, Frontiere eventually prostituted the team around and the city of St. Louis with its "Personal Seat Licenses" became her "john" in 1995, and LA has been without an NFL team since. It's great that St. Louis is back in the NFL, but the way it all went down has never felt right to me. I get the feeling that the character of the bitch owner in the film Major League was at least partially inspired by and modeled after Frontiere, who died of breast cancer on Friday. I have mixed feelings about her, at best.
Just as an aside, everyone forgets that St. Louis was so sure they'd get an NFL expansion team in 1993 when the late Walter Payton had an ownership group in place and the team was going to be called the St. Louis Stallions, but something went awry along the way and the NFL awarded the franchise to Jacksonville instead. The demise of the "Stallions" led to the parody sweatshirt I'm modeling in this photo!
BOBBY FISCHER, 1943-2008
I definitely don't have mixed feelings about this guy—he was a dick! Mr. Chess Champion became famous in America and later denounced America, especially after 9/11. He was an anti-semitic butt-munch too, and died the other day in Iceland of kidney failure. ESPN did a big feature on Fischer upon his death. Dare I say it? Chess is not a sport!!!
JOHN STEWART, 1939-2008
Not to be confused with the comedian of a similar name, you may not know this guy by name, but you probably know of his work. A former member of the Kingston Trio in the '60s, singer/songwriter John Stewart composed "Daydream Believer", which turned out to be a mega-hit for The Monkees (and later Anne Murray, as well). Stewart also had a #5 hit of his own in the summer of '79 with the song "Gold", which featured Stevie Nicks on backing vocals. His brother Mike was a member of the one-hit wonder folk group We Five of "You Were On My Mind" fame. John Stewart died yesterday of a brain anuerysm and possible stroke. He was also diagnosed to be in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease.
Rest in peace, one and all (including the Geldings)...
Evidently not! Witness the following:
EPISODE I
In what may be the ultimate "What the hell were you thinking?" brain fart of all-time, Golfweek magazine published this cover in the wake of the Golf Channel announcer chick's recent boneheaded utterance about lynching Tiger Woods in an alley. The Golf Channel gal's gaffe was inadvertent, but this was premeditated—how dumb do ya gotta be to publish something like this, even if it's all in fun? The magazine wisely fired their editor who was behind it all...
EPISODE II
Seems that Ike Turner's death was officially caused by a cocaine overdose. True to form, ol' Ike remained a total dumbass right up to the bitter end.
EPISODE III
Rumors are flying that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Please do us all a big favor, Brit—save us the agony that we went through with Anna Nicole by doing paternity tests to find out who the father is before you do yourself in with a drug overdose...
EPISODE IV
This from Dave Alpert, market manager of Entercom Kansas City, the man who was behind the demise of legendary KC radio station 99.7 KY, bragging on the station's new format: "There are at least 550 songs on the station that were not on KY...The old station was totally corporate radio...I'm not dissing it, but there was not a lot of thinking outside of the box. Just play the same 325 songs over and over."
Dumb question, but why couldn't they have merely added those 550 songs to KY's existing playlist in the first place instead of blowing up the station and alienating a lot of loyal listeners? This new format sounds pretty damn corporate to me, although I do give them points for playing Elton John's "Madman Across The Water"—excellent track. Their inclusion of Dire Straits' "Down To The Waterline" gives me hope that they might also play my favorite DS track "Solid Rock" as well as stuff like "Tunnel Of Love" and "Romeo And Juliet", but time will tell.
Meantime, with all my bitching and complaining about the sorry state of Rock 'N' Roll radio, I've decided to do something about it and create my own personal radio station on the new Ipod that I got for Christmas. Being as resistant to change as I am, I was reluctant to make the jump to Ipod-land at first, but I had a change of heart when it occurred to me that I can just load a thousand or so of my favorite tunes into this little sucker, put the som-bitch on "shuffle" and let 'er rip!
EPISODE V
Word has it that the tiger in the San Francisco zoo was being taunted by the guy that it successfully tried to eat and kill last month. Tigger's dinner entree was apparently drunk off his ass at the time, and in a place where he shouldn't have been in the first place, therefore these people who claim that the barriers were insufficient are full of shit!
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST?
According to the papers, the writer’s strike now threatens the upcoming Grammy Awards broadcast. Just as with Julie Brown’s "Homecoming Queen" gunning down the entire Glee Club, it’s "No big loss…" Did anyone truly miss the Golden Globe Awards this year? Apart from these people who obsess over all the red carpet palaver, I think not.
"O" IS FOR OMNIPOTENT
Are you ready for all-Oprah all the time? Evidently, that’s going to happen when Discovery Health Channel morphs into the Oprah Channel, thus displacing thousands of hours’ worth of baby-birthing shows.
You know, I give Oprah credit for taking the high road on her talk show by not featuring stuff like the "White Trash Theater" crap Jerry Springer and Moron Povich air every day, but still there’s something about this woman that I don’t like, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Some of it has to do with her arrogance, I think—I mean how humble can you be to name a magazine after yourself and feature your own photo on the cover of every issue? I think it might also have a bit to do with overexposure on her part, and having her own cable network is only going make that worse.
OKAY, I’M CONFUSED…
How is it Hillary Clinton gets 55% of the vote in the Michigan primary, yet Obama and Edwards weren’t even on the ballot? Who came up with this convoluted system anyway, anyway—Curly, Moe and Larry or FEMA? And dumb question, but why do they hold the Michigan Primary in the middle of January when the weather is usually shitty and people might not be able to get out and vote? Seems to me like March or April might be more favorable…
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH, MMM-KAY?
I made a little observation while channel-surfing the other night: It occurs to me that the people who host these "What Not To Wear" TV shows are often in more dire need of makeovers than their guests are. Case in point: Finola Hughes, who used to be a real hottie when she was on "General Hospital" back in the ‘80s, but she was dressed like a drag queen on this silly show. They have another one of these pointless crapfests on The Learning Channel (what any of this has to do with "learning" is beyond me) with some flighty black gal hosting it, and she had so much make-up on she looked like a glazed donut! And why do women rely so much on the advice of these flaming homos on what to wear to impress heterosexual guys with? Some of this crap they have these girls wearing on these shows looks like it was designed by Ronald McDonald...
MORE KY POST-MORTEM
Hate to keep beating a dead horse/radio station, but here's an excellent piece by K.C. Star columnist Timothy Finn on the demise of KY. One of his readers posted the following commentary that I found rather profound, too:
"I don't live in the Kansas City area anymore and have no idea what KY had become, but when it was 102 in the late 70's and early 80's and played album rock, it helped define our generation, just as WHB did the previous generation. I am sure its time has since passed..."
Sad to say, but he may be right--perhaps Classic/Album Rock radio has indeed gone the way of Oldsmobile and Montgomery Ward...
CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #2
Give a hoot--don't pollute!
Behold the mission statement of our new radio station, 99.7 The Dead End Street—er uh—The Boulevard. Springsteen and Jackson Browne hard to find on KC radio? Y'all didn't try very hard, then! Stations playing "only the same few song from artists that have many great songs"? Well, then why has The Boulevard already given Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" two spins in the last two days? Pure poffeycock!
All they've done is lop off the harder stuff from the KY's old playlist like AC/DC, Ted Nugent, Van Halen and Ozzy and replaced it with Dave Matthews Bland, Coldplay and R.E.M. Apart from that, it ain't that much different than KY was, just minus the personalities. Once again, this is what happens when radio stations are run by corporations who listen to all these consulting firms and demographic surveys telling them what they think people want to hear. Granted, KY was in desperate need of some re-tooling, but it wasn't worth blowing up if all they're going to do is replace it with this crap! Welcome to Dullsville, boys and girls...
I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine people tuning in this station in droves. As Fred Sanford used to say, "I give it two weeks..."
AND THE BEST ACTOR OSCAR GOES TO...
Terrell Owens in The Crying Game! Normally, this behavior would be considered just a bit tacky for "a man of his statue", as T.O.'s former hoochie-mama publicist once called him. But then again, this headline-grabbing whore will stoop to most anything to keep the spotlight on him, including crying like Nancy Kerrigan. Just a hunch here, but I bet Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia were out shopping for new TVs today after having thrown bricks through their existing ones while watching this load of malarkey. Perhaps T.O. wouldn't have had to cry if he'd bothered to catch a pass or two in the second half yesterday.
For the record, I didn't buy Hillary Clinton's crocodile tears in New Hampshire last week, either...
BLAME JESSICA
And of course, we all know the real reason the Cowboys lost to the Giants was Tony Romo's girlfriend, two-bit bimbo actress Jessica Simpson, aka "Yoko Romo" to Dallas fans—after all, she practically was in on every snap of the ball yesterday! Never mind that the Cowboys were outplayed on defense by the G-men. The fans and the media have been making such a big stink over the little vacation the two them took during Dallas' bye-week—a trip that Romo's coach urged him to take, no less—and it's such a crock. What, all the other players don't have girlfriends to distract them, too? I picked the Giants to win, by the way, so there!
MAYBE NOT LIKE PEYTON MANNING'S TEAM, MAYBE
The only blemish on my postseason game prognostications was San Diego's surprise win at Indianapolis yesterday. I suppose we should blame this on Peyton Manning's girlfriend, huh? Nice job by the Chargers of hanging in there even after losing QB Phillip Rivers and RB LaDainian Tomlinson to injury and having TE Antonio Gates at about half-speed. They don't have a hope in hell against New England next weekend, but it was a valiant effort all the same. This also may well have been Tony Dungy's final game as the Colts' head coach. Hope he stays—he's a classy guy and a good man—but if not, he's done himself proud.
ADIOS TO ANOTHER DOME
Yesterday was also the final Colts game at the RCA (nee Hoosier) Dome, as they move into their new joint across the street next season. Not unlike Seattle's Kingdome, the Hoosier Dome will die pretty young at the age of 24 later this year when they tear it down (the Kingdome barely made it to 23). Still, it's nice to see another dome disappear from the football universe, although their new house will be a part-time domed stadium. However, I will say that of all the bubble-dome football stadiums I've seen in person (Metrodome, Pontiac Silverdome, Carrier Dome) the Hoosier Dome is probably the most stately-looking on the exterior.
JOHNNY PODRES, 1932-2008
Okay, this isn't football, but former Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher Johnny Podres died yesterday. Highly ironic that he later went on to become the pitching coach of the San Diego Padres in the early '70s. I always thought his surname was misspelled on baseball cards and that it should've been Johnny 'Padres'. Oh, dopey me...
The good Dr. Sardonicus beat me to the punch this week with his tribute to the mighty AC/DC. Not trying to play copycat here, but I had been meaning to do my own AC/DC post for some time now, but just never got around to it, so here goes...
My first real exposure to this band was in Speech Class during my sophomore year in high school (1979-80), of all places. One of our class projects entailed each student putting together a 15-minute "radio show" feature about a particular group or artist. I did mine on The Who (and got an A-minus, thank you very much), and another guy did his project on AC/DC. The jaundiced look on the teacher's face was priceless as he played bits of "Whole Lotta Rosie", "Highway To Hell" and "Let There Be Rock". Those songs even managed to sound really cool on that cheesy government-issue single-speaker school record player, so I went out and bought my first AC/DC LPs shortly after that, and I've been a fan ever since.
Angus and Malcolm Young are the brothers of guitarist George Young of Australian '60s band The Easybeats (of "Friday On My Mind" fame). George is the oldest, of course, Angus is the youngest, which naturally leaves Malcolm in the middle [insert rim shot here]. George paired up with fellow-Easybeat Harry Vanda to produce and manage AC/DC, and they've been about as consistent as any band out there, even after the death of original lead singer Bon Scott in early 1980.
Losing a drummer or a bass player is one thing, but losing a lead singer—especially a very beloved one like Bon—would be a lethal blow to most bands. But, in one of the most amazing feats in music history, AC/DC not only recovered from the loss of Scott, but managed to unleash one of the absolutely killer albums of all-time, Back In Black, seemingly without missing a beat! AC/DC fans took to new singer Brian Johnson right away, and he couldn't have asked for a smoother transition. It's a bit of a David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar (or Ginger vs. Mary Ann) comparison, but I honestly like Bon Scott and Brian Johnson equally. Scott was the more witty songwriter of the two, with lines like "It was one of those nights when you turn out the lights, and everything comes into view..." from "Touch Too Much", but Johnson is one of the best screamers of all-time, and he's far more reliable than Scott was (i.e., not likely to get too fucked-up to sing in concert). Johnson also seems like a very humble guy—as do the Young brothers—seemingly ego-free and very approachable, which is refreshing in the Rock 'N' Roll biz.
I've only seen AC/DC once in concert, but it was quite a dandy show at Kemper Arena in 1983 on the Flick Of The Switch tour. There were two things I totally marveled at that night, one being how incredibly good the audio was—this was one of the best-sounding P.A.'s I've ever heard at a concert, especially for a raw band like this. The other thing that amazed me was how Angus could roll around on stage and do all his berserk histrionics without missing a single note! That little dude is one of the most underrated guitar players ever.
One more little AC/DC tidbit for you: Once upon a time back in the early '80s, I was channel-surfing on the TV one night and happened upon our local-yokel Jesus station, Channel 50, and they were on a crusade against Rock music and objectionable lyrics at the time. On this night, they were dissecting "Highway To Hell" and the lyrics thereof, and they put the HTH album cover on the screen and the camera zoomed in on Angus' image (complete with devil horns, of course). Someone on the show then made the comment, "And did you know that this young man drank himself to death recently? How sad that Satan got inside him and destroyed his life, praise Jesus!" (or something like that). Obviously a misinformed idiot she was, thinking it was Angus who had died and not Bon Scott, but I always thought it would be totally delicious if Angus could've burst through their studio doors and shocked everyone by showing he could "rise from the dead". All those God-fearing pinheads would've most assuredly had some major skidmarks in their underwear!
My All-Time AC/DC Top 20:
20) "Thunderstruck" (1990) It never ceases to amaze me how Angus keeps that riff up throughout the entire song in concert. This song has also become a sports event staple.
19) "Riff Raff" (1978) I didn't think much of this one at first, but it grew on me profusely over time. Love the line, "I never shot nobody—don't even carry a gun!"
18) "This Means War" (1988) Closing track on the Blow Up Your Video album with a catchy little riff not unlike the one from "Thunderstruck".
17) "Touch Too Much" (1979) See my above commentary on Bon's lyrics here.
16) "That's The Way I Wanna Rock 'N' Roll" (1988) Another favorite from Blow Up Your Video.
15) "Back In Black" (1980) Did you ever think you'd live to see the day when college football marching bands would play this song—frequently?
14) "It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)" (1976) Interesting use of bagpipes here. I truly believed it when Bon sang "I tell ya, folks, it's harder than it looks..."
13) "Rocker" (1976) Quite possibly the fastest AC/DC song of all-time. Speed don't kill, in this case...
12) "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" (1976) A late bloomer, this one didn't become a true hit until five years after its initial release.
11) "Hells Bells" (1980) Baseball pitcher Trevor Hoffman's favorite song, and another sports stadium staple. Also one of Brian Johnson's finest vocal performances, and perfectly-timed, since it was most AC/DC fans' first taste of him.
10) "Beatin' Around The Bush" (1979) This one would qualify as a Major League "rave-up", as they used to call them back in the '60s.
9) "Heatseeker" (1988) Live version from the 1992 Live double-CD (clever title, guys!) is even better.
8) "Girls Got Rhythm" (1979) Very underrated track from Highway To Hell. Should get more airplay that it does...
7) "Shot Down In Flames" (1979) Bon Scott sums up the bulk of my love-life rather succinctly (with one notable exception, that is) in 3 minutes and 23 seconds!
6) "For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)" (1981) Concert staple that naturally lends itself to pyro and boom-booms.
5) "Problem Child" (1977) Bon Scott's life story, it would appear. Great lines in this one, like "What I want I take, what I don't I break" and "With a flick of my knife I can change your life—there's nothing you can do..."
4) "Big Balls" (1976) Quite possibly the greatest double-entendre Rock 'N' Roll tune in recorded history.
3) "Shoot To Thrill" (1980) My favorite song off Back In Black and it always reminds me of a special person named Susan whom I used to work with and is no longer with us who was really into Hard Rock and Heavy Metal, and I really miss her...
2) "Whole Lotta Rosie" (1977) Not to blow my own horn, here, but I do a fairly good Bon Scott impression during the "Wanna tell you a story, 'bout a woman I know..." portion of the song. By the way, "19 stone" translates to approximately 285 pounds in American—just a big hunk-a hunk-a woman!
1) "Let There Be Rock" (1977) This song just rocks from start to finish, even on that cheapo Raytown South High School record player. Angus totally smokes (on guitar) here too.
[NOTE: I'm sure you're now asking, where's "Highway To Hell" and "You Shook Me All Night Long" on your AC/DC list, Brian? Well, those are classic tunes, to be sure, but jeez Louise, those songs have been played to death so much on the radio and/or at drinking establishments by unimaginative DJs that I'm sick to death of them! Even so, I do always stay tuned for the tail end of the "You Shook Me" video where the blonde cutie raises her leg up over her head...]
...I'll give you a couple seconds to decipher that greeting!
COUNTING UP THE DOUGH...
I finally broke a nasty losing streak at the casinos by popping a slot machine for a nice jackpot last night, reaping a net profit of $246. It had been nearly two years since the last time I won anything of note at the gambling houses around here. Every time I go gambling, I also get a chuckle out of these people who do the whole valet parking thing. Why on earth would you pay some total stranger to park your car? The way these maniac attendants drive, I wouldn't let them go anywhere near my vehicle. And what, you're too lazy to walk a little further from your car in the parking garage to the front door?
TOTALLY POINTLESS PRODUCT #1
Speaking of the never-ending pussification of America, the commercials for these voice-activated car stereo systems crack me up—you know, "Play artist so-and-so." I mean, how fucking hard is it to reach over to the radio and push a button or two? Have we gotten that totally lethargic in this society now? Pitiful, pitiful!
TOTALLY POINTLESS PRODUCT #2
You gotta love this new gimmick Coors Light has been hyping lately with its beer bottle labels where the mountains turn blue to let the consumer know when their beer is cold enough to drink. Seems to me that if you can't figure out how cold your beer is, you probably shouldn't be drinking it anyway...
A REAL SNOW JOB
I loved watching the Packers and Seahawks playing in the white stuff in today's playoff game. When the elements play a part in football, it makes the game even more fun sometimes. By the way, you don't suppose the luxury-car owners in Green Bay drive Lambeau-ghinis, do ya? Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!
CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #1
I'm initiating a new regular feature today, since TV Land no longer does their old "Retromercials" anymore. Here's an oldie but a goodie from the good folks at Chuck Wagon dog food. Even though we didn't have a dog, I loved these ads all the same when I was a kid...
PHOOEY, INDEED!
Just for shits and grins, I rented the ancient '70s ABC cartoon show "Hong Kong Phooey" this weekend. You think they'd get away with that title today? For the uninitiated, HKP was a mild-mannered dog named Penrod (voiced by the late Scatman Crothers) who worked as a janitor in a police station. When trouble arose, Penry would leap into a file cabinet and morph into Hong Kong Phooey, legendary martial arts superhero crime fighter. I hadn't seen this thing since I was in 5th grade, and trust me folks, as Huey Lewis once sang, "Sometimes bad IS bad."
"NATURE POINTS UP THE FOLLY OF MAN"...
I can't help but laugh at VH-1's promos for their various "reality" shows, like the current one featuring Scott Baio and this new "Celebrity Rehab" thing which includes D-list hacks like Jeff Conaway and Brigitte Nielsen ostensibly working out their drug problems on national TV instead of in real therapy like normal folks. At the end of each promo, this little "Watch and Discuss" message pops up, as if VH-1's programming is somehow educational or profound. Yes, let's all kick around the plight of Bret Michaels of Poison, shall we? Doesn't it just break your heart when a millionaire Rock star just can't seem to find the perfect tattooed skank of his dreams to doink?
FANTASY, SHMANTASY
Another commercial on VH-1 that makes me chortle is the one for these annual Rock 'N' Roll Fantasy Camps. Similar in concept to baseball fantasy camps, one can pay mega-bucks to hang out with real Rock stars and jam (assuming one has musical ability, that is). In past years, these camps have featured some fairly big-name folks like Paul Stanley and Ace Frehley of Kiss and Roger Daltrey of The Who, but this year's lineup of stars is a tad less stellar, with such Rockers as Alan White of Yes, Elliot Easton of The Cars, Nick Mason of Pink Floyd, and get this—David Ryan Harris from John Mayer's Band!! Who from who's band? Never heard of 'im! I don't suppose they managed to nab any of the guys from Winger too? Is Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap available?
Of all the names I’ve ever called Bobby Knight, I never imagined “quitter” would be one of them, but the big jerk abruptly decided to retire from coaching yesterday, with well over a month remaining on the Texas Tech basketball schedule. Knight has his admirers and Knight has his detractors—you can count me in the latter group. Yes, he’s the winningest coach in NCAA history, and yes, most of his players actually finish school and graduate—very admirable on both counts—but that doesn’t justify his often boorish behavior, on the court, and especially off it. I’m sorry, but I find it rather difficult to respect someone who goes around hurling office equipment at defenseless female support staffers or picking fights with university officials at salad bars, and yet goes around playing martyr because he gets such a bad rap. Whatever, Bob—I’ll save my respect for the classy coaches like Dean Smith, John Wooden and Coach K.
Anybody out there remember this guy? Anybody out there got a hanker for a hunka cheese? Special thanks to my friend Stacy for jogging my memory banks—I hadn't seen ol' Timer in over 30 years!
