Concert Trek--Episode 2

Onward and upward with my chronological journey through my concert-going career...

6) Styx (Monday, March 16, 1981—Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $10.50

Styx had been local KC favorites for years, and they became superstars with Paradise Theater in early ‘81, probably their best album ever (along with The Grand Illusion from ’77).  Anticipating high ticket-demand for this show, the promoter decided to put them up for sale all in one location, which was not revealed until an hour beforehand on a cold Saturday morning in January.  Tom and I stood in line for over two hours on the snow-packed concourse of Arrowhead Stadium (jeez, fellas, ya think you could’ve at least shoveled the blasted sidewalks for this) and we snagged three pretty good tickets on the lower level of Kemper straight back from the stage.  The third member of our party wigged out and didn’t attend with us, but later claimed he was there and made up some story about meeting Tommy Shaw in a limo after the show.  This guy was flakier than a Pillsbury pie crust, thus he soon became our ex-friend, but I digress…

When I informed my old man that morning before school where I’d be that night, he says, “Styx?  Isn’t that one of those queer groups?”  Oy!  Meantime, by late in the afternoon, I started feeling really draggy, for some reason.  I knew something was wrong when I couldn’t even choke down a McDonald’s cheeseburger and fries for dinner, and as the night wore on, I got sicker, but I somehow still managed to enjoy the show.  Turns out I had come down with a nasty little stomach virus that laid me up for the rest of the week.

There was no opening act for this show (or for their 1983 show that we also attended), which was kinda nice in one way—no need to sit through some lame group you didn’t want to see anyway, right?  On the other hand, Dennis DeYoung and the boys must’ve forgotten that they were a young band once who opened for other groups who “made the grade” (as a certain Styx song goes), like Kiss, and prior to them, David Bowie, for whom Styx opened during their very first KC appearance in 1972 at Memorial Hall over on the Kansas side.  This was also Styx' 15th straight concert sellout in K.C. in the wake of that show with Bowie.

Using the Paradise Theater LP’s semi-conceptual theme as a backdrop, this turned out to be a splendid concert all the way around.  Highlights included their biggies like “Lady”, “Miss America” and “Blue Collar Man”, as well as new stuff like "Rockin' The Paradise” and the new single “Too Much Time On My Hands”.  DeYoung acted as the emcee for the most part, which was great on some levels, like when he introduced “Suite Madame Blue” by saying it was a song he wrote “about how I felt about things that were going on in America at the time,” but rather hokey on other levels when he pandered to the crowd with some story about doing a soundcheck earlier and saying, “there was something missing—YOU people were missing!”  James Young and Tommy Shaw traded solos throughout the night, twin brothers Chuck and John Panozzo provided a rock-solid rhythm section, and DeYoung multi-tasked on the keys.  By the time they got to “Come Sail Away”, everyone in the arena was on their feet, including sickly ol’ me, and this was most definitely Styx’s finest hour.  Little did we/they know it was all downhill after this for them…

Just as an aside, Tom also decided to live on the edge a little by smuggling in a small tape recorder at the concert to document the proceedings (á la Rerun at the Doobie Bros. gig on TV's "What's Happening!"—remember that one, kids?).  Relax, Dennis, J.Y., Tommy, whoever—the tape was of poor quality and wouldn’t have produced a decent bootleg recording anyway.  I don't think the tape even exists anymore.

7) Rush (Friday, April 24, 1981—Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $10.00

I must confess here that I did not like Rush at first.  I couldn’t get into their album-side-long sci-fi epics, and they just didn’t impress me much, despite the constant raves my older sister kept giving them.  She and her husband lived in Lynchburg, VA for a time in the late ‘70s, and they attended a couple Rush shows in nearby Roanoke and she swore they were the cat’s ass in concert.  When “The Spirit of Radio” came out in late ’79, I started to warm up to Rush a little, and they won me over for good with Moving Pictures, which was one of the best albums of 1981.  The concert Tom and I had tickets for was the second of a two-night stand in K.C., and all I heard at school that day was how awesome the first show had been from those who attended the night before, so we were primed for a really killer show.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get one…

As with Styx the month before, there was no opening act on this night.  Now, I wasn’t expecting the animated pyrotechnics of Kiss or Van Halen here, but I anticipated something a bit more lively than this very flat performance from Rush.  The music didn’t sound all that far-removed from their records (a problem that has plagued Rush off and on throughout their career), and Geddy Lee hardly said two words to the audience between songs all night—a BIG no-no with me.  Guitarist Alex Lifeson didn't really seem very into the show, either, for some reason.  From where we sat in the upper deck at Kemper on stage left, the show wasn’t very loud at all—we could actually converse with each other without screaming.  Probably the highlight of the show was Neil Peart’s very entertaining drum solo, and it was also kinda fun to watch Lee multi-task on the bass, keyboards, foot pedals and lead vocals, but overall, it just wasn’t a very exciting concert.  The crowd was a tad rude, too, as a few assholes kept shooting off fireworks during the set.  While I hesitate to call this the worst concert I’ve ever attended, it was certainly a big disappointment after all the build-up it got—cranking up their live album on my stereo at home would’ve been more satisfying.  Then again, every band has an off-night during a long tour, so I'll give Rush the benefit of the doubt and assume that was the case here.

7) Z.Z. Top/Loverboy (Thursday, August 13, 1981—Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $9.50

Prior to 1981, I was just as casual Z.Z. Top fan.  I loved "Tush" and "Cheap Sunglasses" and a couple others, and when El Loco came out with the irresistible "Tube Snake Boogie" and "Pearl Necklace", I decided to check out That Little Ol' Band From Texas in concert.  It was on this hot August night that I became a fan for life.

Loverboy opened the proceedings with one of the better warm-up sets I've ever seen.  They were still running on inertia from their first album from the year before and the hit "Turn Me Loose" (a highlight of their set), and their second LP Get Lucky had just come out, so they were a crowd-pleaser.  The late Scott Smith was a standout on bass (esp. during "Turn Me Loose"), as was keyboardist Doug Johnson.

Meanwhile, as we waited for Z.Z. Top between sets, the girl sitting next to me let out a scream, and all of sudden, there's some stupid drunk fuck stumbling through our row on the lower level all bloodied in the face.  Someone said he'd fallen out of the upper deck (which at Kemper is only about a 15-foot drop) into the aisle next to us and was all dazed.  The fucker dripped blood all over my newly-purchased Z.Z. Top program, too.  Dumbass... 

Once we got the stupidity out of the way, Z.Z. lumbered onto the stage in dirty coveralls just like in the above photo, opening with what I think was "Groovy Little Hippie Pad" off El Loco (memory is a little fuzzy here), then they launched into "Waitin' For The Bus/Jesus Just Left Chicago", which made the Kemper rafters rumble.  It was hard to believe that it was just three guys creating all this wonderful rhythmic noise.  Highlights were many, including "Manic Mechanic", "Arrested For Driving While Blind", "Heard It On The X" and "Cheap Sunglasses", the latter of which was augmented by a snappy little lazer show.  I was really pleased that they leaned heavily on El Loco—my favorite Z.Z. Top album ever—by playing seven of the ten tracks from it.  For the encore, maracas were lowered on ropes down to Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill just for intro of "Tube Snake Boogie", which they followed up with "La Grange" and "Tush" to wrap things up.  This was the first in a long line of Z.Z. Top shows on this little journey...

9) Pat Benatar/David Johansen (Saturday, October 10, 1981—Municipal Auditorium) Ticket price: $9.50

Boy, did this little lady come along and steal the heart of every guy my age back in 1980-81!  She was sexy, talented and to top it off, she rocked-out too.  Seeing her in the videos was one thing, but we weren't quite sure what to expect of her in concert, like would her voice be able to penetrate that huge wall of amps?  Well that issue was settled once and for all during "Promises In The Dark" when Pat sang that ascending line in mid-song, "...but your heart says try again," and she came through loud and clear on that high note.

Dressed in a black-and-gold leotard, black tights and black ankle boots, the former Miss Andrejewski and her very tight band opened with "No You Don't" (a cover of a Sweet tune), and played an excellent set covering all three Benatar albums that were available at the time.  Guitarist/husband Neil Giraldo impressed me a lot that night and played well, despite having a cast on his right (playing) hand.  Drummer Myron Grombacher was/is one of the more animated players I've ever seen—he was hopping up and down behind his kit throughout the show, and I thought someone would have to strap him to his drum stool.  But for obvious reasons, it was the devine Ms. Benatar that my eyes were riveted on most of the night in her sexy stage attire.  As the review in the K.C. Star by Nancy Ball read, "...and in this spandex age it's sort of refreshing to see the woman wearing the tights in the band instead of the men."

The less said about the opening act, David Johansen, the better.  Ol' Dave was in career limbo at this point between his New York Dolls persona and his future asinine Buster Poindexter shtick (both of which were pathetic), and he absolutely sucked like a Hoover upright that night.  He spent half of his set putting funny hats on his bandmates, one of whom was keyboardist Charlie Giordano, who we would see Benatar's band on the next tour--a major upgrade for young Chuck, I dare say.

10) Van Halen/G-Force (Saturday, October 17, 1981—Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $10.00

Exactly one week after Pat Benatar, it was Van Halen, Round Two, which was every bit as fun as our maiden voyage with them, if not moreso, as this time VH was touring for a much better album, the very underrated Fair Warning.  The videos the band shot on that same tour for "Unchained", "Hear About It Later" and "So This Is Love" are very representative of the show I saw that night at Kemper.



It was once again an outstanding evening, apart from me losing my newly-bought VH t-shirt somewhere between the arena and the car, which I thought was draped over my shoulder.  D'oh!  In best Van Halen tradition, their opening act was the totally nameless/faceless G-Force.  The only thing I remember about them was they were very techno-pop-ish—a very poor man's A Flock Of Seagulls, if there is such a thing.  One would guess they probably broke up not long afterwards.Other highlights included David Lee Roth trotting out his new toy, the "Dave-sickle", an acoustic guitar in the shape of a popsicle that he used for the intro to "Ice Cream Man", and I believe this tour also saw the debut of Michael Anthony's infamous Jack Daniels bass guitar.  Eddie was Eddie, of course, and his finger-tapping intro runs on "Mean Street" really got the joint jumpin'.  Alex was Alex too, and after swigging down some liquor prior to his drum solo, DLR proclaimed (totally in jest), "Let's hear it for Alex Van Halen...and his drinking problem!"  Sad to say what a prophetic statement this turned out to be years later.  Anyway, Big Al's drum solo was the first one I've ever seen that featured all four band members playing simultaneously.  Another highlight was Diamond Dave's between-song rap about music critics:  "The guy who reviews this concert in the paper probably looks like Elvis Costello..."

Well I may be a blogger, but I ain't no dancer...

ROY SCHEIDER, 1932-2008
Roy Scheider left us over the weekend, passing away in Arkansas at age 75.  Good actor, and pretty versatile too, as he was nominated for Oscars for such diverse roles as choreographer Joe Gideon in Bob Fosse's All That Jazz and Det. Buddy Russo in The French Connection (or as the Bush Administration would prefer you call it, The Freedom Connection).  And of course, his signature role was Police Chief Brody in Jaws (and Jaws 2), featuring that immortal line “you’re gonna need a bigger boat”, which was reportedly an ad-lib by Scheider.  Pretty stellar ad-lib, as it's permanently etched in our pop culture lexicon.  R.I.P. Roy, ya done good.

I remember reading somewhere that Scheider and co-star Lorraine Gary, who played his wife in the Jaws flicks, didn’t much care for one another during filming.  I found it rather difficult to look at that woman myself—in the words of the late Redd Foxx, “Dat’s a UGLY white woman!”  By the time she did the utterly pointless Jaws The Revenge, I was rooting for the damn shark to eat her!  I also remember reading that Richard Dreyfuss and Robert Shaw (Matt Hooper and Captain Quint, respectively, in Jaws) couldn’t stand each other, either, thus the on-screen animosity between them wasn’t necessarily an act.

TRAGEDY AVERTED
Scary moment in last night’s NHL game in Buffalo when Florida’s Richard Zednik was inadvertently slashed in the neck by a teammate’s skate and had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery before he bled to death.  The slash severed Zednik's carotid artery and evidently just missed his jugular vein, and it looks like he’s okay and will make a full recovery, but the trail of blood he left on the ice scared the shit out of everyone in the building.  Here's the video, which isn't terribly gory.  Lucky for him, he was treated by the same physician who tended to Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett and may well have prevented him from being permanently paralyzed.  Think this doc might just be in high demand now?  A similar incident also took place in a game on Saturday between Philadelphia and New York when a linesman took an errant skate to the bridge of his nose, and he's okay too.

Zednik's injury was déjà vu all over again in Buffalo, which was the scene of quite possibly the goriest sports injury ever this side of Joe Theismann.  It happened at the old Aud back in 1989 when Sabres goaltender Clint Malarchuk suffered a very similar injury to Zednik's in front of his goal and immediately started spewing blood everywhere.  Here's the video of it, but be forewarned—it's NOT for the squeamish, so viewer discretion is strongly advised.  It takes quite a bit to gross me out, but even I was squirming when I first saw this replay in '89.  Thankfully Malarchuk had the presence of mind to apply pressure to his neck (as did Zednik) until the trainers came to his aid.  As fast-paced as hockey is, it’s no small wonder this kind of thing doesn’t happen more often.  Too bad there isn’t such a thing as rubber ice skates, eh?

BURNING QUESTION OF THE DAY #1
I’m trying not to get too caught up in all this Roger Clemens steroids folderol, but I’m rather amused with the revelation that this Brian McNamee trainer character claims to have injected Clemens’ wife with Human Growth Hormone for a photo shoot she did several years ago.  How on earth does HGH benefit one for a photo shoot?

BURNING QUESTION OF THE DAY #2
The “Hannah Montana” show is supposed to be aimed at pre-teens, right?  Then why does Disney Channel air this thing at 10:30 at night (11:30 Eastern time, no less) when kids of that age should probably be in bed?

BURNING QUESTION OF THE DAY #3
Okay, which was the bigger waste of time Sunday, the Grammy Awards or the NFL Pro Bowl?  My distaste for the Shammies is well-documented on this blog, so I won’t belabor the point here, other than to say that the Grammy Awards broadcast is now about as relevant as a very average “B.J. And The Bear” rerun.

Of all the major league all-star games, the Pro Bowl is probably the least entertaining, with next weekend's NBA All-Star Game rating a close second.  There’s very little drama, most of the players don’t even want to be there, and the game is so watered-down (for fear of someone getting hurt) that it’s practically unwatchable.  One thing I was proud to see yesterday was Cincinnati Bengals big-mouth wide-out Chad Johnson getting upstaged by his teammate T.J. Houshmandzedah, who scored two TDs for the AFC.  All Johnson did all week long was bitch about how betrayed he felt by the Bungholes for not giving him a fat new contract and all.  I grew really tired of Mr. Ocho-Stinko’s act long ago—he’s an overrated showboater and ESPN highlight whore that I personally can do without.

MAY WE? MAIS, OUI!
A co-worker brought in some French Vanilla ice cream at work today.  I asked him why he didn’t get the “Freedom Vanilla” variety instead.  While I'm at it, I'm still waiting for Faux News Channel to try to prove to America that Barack Obama “looks French”.

BEEN SPENDING, 'SPREE?
I'm just all choked-up (pun intended) over this story about Latrell Sprewell—once one of the premier players in the NBA—who apparently has to sell that yacht he's got before the bank forecloses on his house.  This is the same guy for whom a three-year, $21 million contract extension was once insufficient, so he held out for more dough, saying, "I've got my family to feed."  Perhaps we can all chip in and buy ol' 'Spree and family some Chef Boy-Ar-Dee or something...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #70
“I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”—ENGLAND DAN & JOHN FORD COLEY (1977) “There’s a warm wind blowing the stars around…” I thought the line was "There’s a warm wind blowing, the stars are out...” which made a lot more sense, unless there a helluva typhoon up by Alpha Centauri to cause that other phenomenon...

THE BITCHES ARE BACK!
Tonight’s the Westminster doggie show on the ol’ boob tube.  I wonder how our old friend Petey would've done in one of these competitions...



CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #4
While the dog show airs, this cat demands equal time!

Concert Trek--Episode 1

Since 1979, yours truly has attended over 100 concerts (mostly of the Rock ‘N’ Roll variety), and being ever the statistician that I am, I kept a log of the dates and such over the years, so I might as well share my concert memories a few shows at a time (in chronological order). So without further ado, here’s the first installment thereof…

1) “Summer Rock ‘79”: Ted Nugent/Heart/The Cars/Sammy Hagar/ Missouri (Sunday, June 17, 1979—Arrowhead Stadium) Ticket price: $12.50

Even though I had just turned 15 years old a mere six days before and was still too young to drive a motor vehicle, I somehow managed to con my parents into letting me attend my first real Rock ‘N’ Roll concert with my good friend Tom.  I don’t even remember how we got there or how we got home, but this was quite a way to begin one’s concert career.

The show began about 15 minutes early, oddly enough, with local favorites Missouri opening.  Their set wasn't overly exciting, but they did a nice job reproducing their songs live and concluded with their signature hit “Movin’ On”.  Sammy Hagar followed with a fairly raucous set, although he wasn’t quite a household name just yet.  He tended to mimic Nugent a lot by galloping and bounding around the stage like Ted, and got a little obnoxious when he started rambling on about his Trans Am.  Another thing I remember about his set was during his encore when he screamed, “Somebody turn this fucking microphone on!”  Uh, Sam, I think it’s on, bud.  Then again, Sam’s never been known for being the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree of life—according to local legend, during Hagar’s next K.C. appearance at Memorial Hall about a year later, someone in the crowd held up a sign that read “Iranians Go Home!”  This was during the heart of the Iran hostage crisis, but Sammy misread it as “Trans Ams Go Home”, and subsequently went off on some long tangent about his favorite motor vehicle.  But I digress…

Speaking of motor vehicles, next up were The Cars, who weren’t terribly well-received, but this partly because of the interminable hour-long set change before them and mostly because they all just kinda stood still (only John Entwistle was allowed to do this!) and were pretty boring.  The lone highlight for me was “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight”, with Greg Hawkes' keyboard figure during the choruses echoing around Arrowhead.  The Cars were totally out their element here anyway, as they certainly weren’t a stadium band—smaller venues suited them better, and I hadn't gotten into them yet, although the Candy-O album went a long way in thawing my opinion of the band.

Heart followed as the late afternoon sun beamed down, as Ann and Nancy Wilson delievered a solid 90-minute set comprised of their big hits and cuts of their latest album Dog And Butterfly (or Dog And Butt, as my record store receipt read when I bought it later).  Ann prowled the stage in high heels (they must have been high—I could see them all the way from the upper deck) and sang her, well, her Heart out.  I don't know why I haven't seen Heart in concert since—they were really good live.

The headliner and my idol at the time, the Rev. Theodosius Atrocious, hit the stage a little after 6:00 and rocked the house for about 90 minutes.  Nugent was slightly hobbled—as we later learned—by an ankle injury he’d sustained early in the week, therefore he wasn’t doing his usual leaping off the amps and so forth.  He did his other stage antics, like pounding the microphone into his chest and screaming, "Can you hear my heartbeat, K.C.???" before "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" and kicking amps over during "Motor City Madhouse"', etc.  Oddly enough, the highlight of Ted’s set wasn’t his music so much as the impromptu trash melee that ensued about halfway through as he played "Great White Buffalo".  I have no idea what started it, but all of a sudden, people all around the stadium started throwing stuff, and before we knew it, the air was filled with beer cups, hot dog wrappers, cardboard food trays, and various and sundry projectiles flying every which way.  Nugent himself was rather amused by it all and urged the crowd to “Throw that shit! Throw that shit!”  I’ll never forget the terrified Black guy working the concession stand on the field level grabbing a cardboard box and putting it over his head for protection.  Some guys were even running back to the water fountains on the concourse, filling cups up and dumping water on people below.  No one was hurt, as far as we know, so no harm, no foul.  Too bad Nugent wasn't playing "Free-For-All" at the time instead.  It was a long day for us concert rookies, but a very fulfilling one.

2) Kiss/Judas Priest (Sunday, September 30, 1979—Municipal Auditorium) Ticket price: $10.00

My first indoor Rock concert was every bit as memorable as my first outdoor one.  My favorite group of all-time in the flesh for the first time.  I was so mad when my parents wouldn’t let me see Kiss when they came to town in ’77 (twice!), but I finally convinced them to let me see them this time, and even though the Dynasty tour was pretty much a disaster by Kiss standards, evidently Tom and I caught one of the better shows on that tour.

Judas Priest opened the show, and I distinctly remember hating them from the get-go.  They were so bloody loud, you couldn’t understand a word Rob Halford sang, and I thought they were awful.  It took me a few years to warm up to these guys, and I later recognized that the Beast that is The Priest was indeed a fine heavy metal outfit after all.

Kiss made their entrance by coming up through the floor of the stage (as opposed to flying in from above on the prior tour) and opened with “King Of The Nighttime World”, followed by “Let Me Go, Rock ‘N’ Roll”.  Tom and I were perched in the very back row of Municipal Auditorium right next to the spotlight turret, but even from there we had an awesome view, and we rocked out.  I remember Paul Stanley’s between-song stage patter being particularly funny that night, with lines like “It feels great to be back in the Capital of Meat!” and “We know you can bring the roof down tonight—you people blew the roof off Kemper Arena!”  As a matter of fact, the only reason this show was at the Aud was because Kemper’s roof had collapsed just four months earlier.  This was the only time I saw Kiss as the original foursome during their heyday, but it was awesome, and I couldn’t hear a damn thing at school the next day…

3) The Who/The Pretenders (Saturday, April 26, 1980—Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $12.00

Just five months removed from the Cincinnati tragedy, The Who carried on with their 1980 tour.  Just ten months removed from the Kemper Arena roof collapse, the joint re-opened in February and was ready to rock again.  We had to send off for tickets in the mail for this show, and my older sister and I were among the lucky ones to snag a couple for the show.  It turned out to be one of my all-time favorites too.  We were lucky to even get tickets to this one, as they were available by mail only, and there were over 32,000 requests for less than 16,000 seats at Kemper Arena.

The Pretenders were a hot commodity during this time.  Their much-celebrated debut album was all over the radio, including the hit single “Brass In Pocket (I’m Special)”.  I wasn’t all that crazy about them at the time, therefore I wasn’t terribly blown-away by their performance that night, so please disregard my prejudice.  Two things I remember about their set:  1) Drummer Martin Chambers must have gone through at least two dozen drumsticks, as they went flying out of his hands in all directions, and 2) my sister knew little about The Pretenders beforehand, and it took her the better part of the set to finally figure out that Chrissie Hynde was a chick!

The ‘orrible ‘Oo opened with “Substitute”, a song I was still unfamiliar with at the time.  I was still a bit of a neophyte Who fan then, but after seeing The Kids Are Alright film a few months earlier, I quickly became a convert.  When my sister asked me what time we should head out for the show, I naturally replied, “5:15”.  I was also quite hopeful they would do my man John Entwistle’s signature song “My Wife” at this show, and they did (complete with horn section too).  Another highlight of the set was “Sister Disco” from Who Are You with its swirling lights set in time to the synthesizers in the song.  I also remember Roger Daltrey losing track while doing his trademark microphone swinging and ducking for cover, nearly clocking Pete Townshend on the noggin!  I’ve heard others say that the Pretenders blew The Who off the stage that night, but that ain’t how I remember this show—The Who kicked ass in my eyes.

4) Ted Nugent/Scorpions/Def Leppard (Tuesday, June 18, 1980—Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $8.50

Exactly one year and a day to the day of my first concert encounter with The Nuge came my second encounter with The Nuge, and better yet, this time I could actually drive to it, having gotten my driver‘s license exactly one week before.  Better show from Ted this time, now fully-recovered from his ankle injury from the year before, although this was during his loin-cloth period wherein that’s all he wore on stage.  Ironically I took more away from this show from the 40-minute sets by the two opening acts, a rising band from Germany called Scorpions who were all over the radio at the time with a song called “The Zoo” and an upstart outfit from Sheffield, England called Def Leppard, whose members at the time averaged 19 years of age, and had a really cool song out called “Rock Brigade”.  Some folks predicted then that they might go far.  They did…

5) Van Halen/The Katz (Friday, August 22, 1980--Kemper Arena) Ticket price: $9.50

This was VH’s second headlining tour of America, and per their usual, they brought along a totally forgettable opening act like The Katz.  My memory is pretty acute, but the only thing I remember about them is they played Dave Clark Five's "Glad All Over" during their set.

VH hit the stage with a very high-energy set, opening with “Romeo Delight” from their new album Women And Children First, and about halfway through, David Lee Roth blurts out, “I forgot the fucking words!”  Methinks he did this on purpose, but whatever, these guys were good!  I remember bassist Michael Anthony pounding away on this keyboard contraption shaped like a bomb during “…And The Cradle Will Rock” and the guitar pyrotechnics of one Edward Van Halen were hard to ignore on this night.  Someone tossed a joint onto the stage, and DLR smoked it, natuarlly.  This would be the first of many lovely evenings spent with Diamond Dave and the boys…

"They Died Old"--Vol. V

"THE OLD RED BARN"
Whenever sportscasters reminisce about great old sports venues, one that is often overlooked is the venerable Olympia Stadium in Detroit.  While Boston Garden, the Montreal Forum and old Madison Square Garden in New York always seem to get the lion's share of nostalgic memories, Olympia is largely forgotten for some reason.  The former home of the Red Wings is quite legendary indeed, and very beloved by those who frequented it, so here's a little salute to a classic hockey arena.


Olympia Stadium opened in 1927 at the corner of Grand River Ave. and McGraw St., southwest of downtown Detroit, not far from where Berry Gordy, Jr. set up shop at the legendary Motown Hitsville, U.S.A. studio just over 30 years later.  Olympia was unique for its cathedral-like facade and red brick exterior, and it was a premier hockey and boxing venue.  It also served briefly as the home of the ever-nomadic Pistons of the NBA following their move from Fort Wayne in 1957.  The Pistons went on to play at Cobo Arena, the Pontiac Silverdome and Joe Louis Arena (after the Silverdome roof collapsed) before settling into their permanent home, The Palace of Auburn Hills.  Concerts were an Olympia staple as well—Elvis played there.  So did The Beatles.  Even Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd rocked the Old Red Barn.

But it's old-time hockey (Eddie Shore?) that Olympia Stadium is best-known for, with its superior sightlines that were among the best of any arena of its era.  The Red Wings called Olympia home from almost Day One, although they were originally called the Cougars and briefly the Falcons before adopting their current name in 1932.  The Wings won seven Stanley Cup titles at Grand River and McGraw, including four during their 1950's heyday that featured the "Production Line" of Hall of Famers Gordie Howe, Ted Lindsay and Sid Abel, as well as stalwart goaltender Terry Sawchuk.  Lindsay is credited for starting the tradition in 1950 of skating around the rink with the Stanley Cup hoisted on high.  Another tradition began at Olympia in 1952, back when a team only had to win eight postseason games to claim Lord Stanley's Cup, so during the playoffs that year, fish market owner Peter Cusimano hurled an octopus onto the ice for good luck, and a Motor City legend was born!

The Red Wings fell on hard times during the late '60s and throughout the '70s, which was known as the "Dead Wings/Things" era.  Olympia's neighborhood started deteriorating around that same time, and the arena itself showed its age as well, despite numerous upgrades and the addition of suites wherever they could fit them in.  After the NFL's Lions fled Tiger Stadium to Pontiac in 1975, the Red Wings nearly followed suit, but eventually they wound up building their current home, Joe Louis Arena, adjacent to the Cobo Arena/Cobo Hall convention complex alongside the Detroit River.  The final curtain came down on Olympia Stadium on December 15, 1979, as the Wings and Quebec Nordiques skated to a 4-4 tie.  The Old Red Barn was shuttered and stood for seven years until it was demolished in 1986-87.  A National Guard armory now occupies the site, which is probably the only safe haven for miles, considering the dreadful condition of the neighborhood it sits in.

In recent years, there has been talk of yet another new home for the Red Wings, and one enterprising person has proposed the brilliant idea of a "new" Olympia to be located near Comerica Park and Ford Field (ironically just a couple blocks from Grand River Ave.) on the west side of downtown Motown, also near the Red Wings' Hockeytown Cafe.  His plan would feature a modern arena with all the bells and whistles of current venues, but with a retro look to pay homage to the Old Red Barn.  Let's hope the powers-that-be in Detroit make this vision a reality someday soon.  I have some very vague memories of watching one or two Kansas City Scouts games live on TV from Olympia in 1974-75, and I'm still waiting for ol' Doc Brown to perfect that blasted Flux Capacitor so I can time-travel and watch the Production Line in action live in person at Olympia.  Heck, I'd even chow down on some octopi while I was there!  As Kiss sings, "You gotta lose your mind in Detroit..."

#400!

Well, well—now I'm in Ted Williams/George Brett territory, with this being post #400 on Da Comet!  I couldn't think of anything real special to mark this auspicious occasion, so I'll just spread a little sage advice:

Never, never, never...




















...fart while wearing a wet suit!

I'll take Guilty Pleasures for $100, Alex!

Back in the nether year 1980, NBC premiered a variety show called "Pink Lady & Jeff".  You probably remember it well.  You don't?  Totally understandible—they only aired five episodes.  TV Guide ranked PL&J 35th on their list of "50 Worst TV Series Ever", which is fairly accurate, but for some reason I have a soft spot in my heart for this little disasterpiece—it was so bad it was good!

During the Spring of '80, NBC's ratings were so bad that test patterns were soundly beating them in some time slots, so they were desperate for something—anything—to put on the air (witness the infamous "Supertrain").  Legendary TV exec Fred Silverman heard about this duo from Japan called Pink Lady who were selling disco records hand over fist in their native land, so he thought it would be a brilliant piece of programming to bring these two hotties to America and give them their own hour-long variety show, produced by the kings of camp, Sid & Marty Krofft (of "H.R. Pufnstuf" and "Sigmund & The Sea Monsters" fame).  Never mind that by that time both disco and TV variety shows were quite passé, not to mention the fact that neither of these girls (Mie on the left and Kei on the right in the above pic) spoke English worth a damn.  No problem!  Enter "comedian" Jeff Altman to act as "Sonny" to Mie and Kei's "Cher", so to speak.  Altman also wrote many of the skits for the show, and he somehow managed to elevate lameness to an art form in the process.  This hack was about as funny as a canker sore—he was the 1980 equivalent of Bob Saget or Pauly Shore.

It never ceases to amaze me that NO ONE involved with the production of this show had the balls to say, “This is abysmal!” before it ever aired.  Think about it:  Dozens of people worked to put this show together—it wasn’t just Silverman, The Kroffts, or Altman—this was a JOINT effort in one way or another, and surely more than a few members of the cast and/or crew knew this was thing was a train wreck from day one.  This was the television equivalent of William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy “singing” on record albums back in the ‘60s, and it made Captain & Tennille's variety show seem like "Masterpiece Theater" by comparison.

"Pink Lady & Jeff" premiered on Friday, March 1, 1980 with guest stars like Sherman Hemsley and Larry Hagman, and in addition to the lame skits, it featured the typical variety show fare of hackneyed dance numbers, tacky costumes, and of course the girls of Pink Lady performing.  Truth to tell, Mie and Kei were very talented, but because of the language barrier and having to learn American songs phonetically, they came across as very wooden performers.  Their choreography had a rather ABBA-esque quality to it, too, but they weren't hard on the eyes, which was their saving grace.  When they were finally allowed to do one of their Japanese hits in Japanese on the show, they came across a lot better, but that style of music was so outdated by that time.

PL&J's other saving grace was including music videos in the pre-MTV era by contemporary acts like Cheap Trick, Blondie and Alice Cooper (doing "Clones"—see my previous post from Tuesday about that one).  Sadly, some of their other musical guests looked very out-of-place—picture Bobby Vinton with an afro or Roy Orbison doing "Oh Pretty Woman" looking very much like a has-been.  Fortunately, that situation was rectified by Bruce Springsteen and friends about four years later on that classic black-and-white Showtime special, but I digress...


As one might expect, "Pink Lady & Jeff" was a colossal flop, and was yanked from the air after the fifth episode aired on April 4th.  A sixth episode was taped but never aired, but thanks to the miracle that is DVD, you can see it and the other five, thanks to the good folks at Rhino, who seem to never leave a stone unturned when it comes to obscure TV and music.  As for Jeff Altman, I find it amusing that in his interview on the DVD, he places most of the blame for the show’s failure on Mie And Kei, yet he gladly takes full credit for many of the show’s skits being based his own original characters, which—sorry, Jeff—weren't all that damn original.  What a tool!  As for "Pink Lady & Jeff" in general, it was a poorly-conceived idea executed at a bad time.  But, it does bring a chuckle to one's heart, all the same...

A couple other asides:  Appearing in many of those lame skits mentioned above was a young actor named Jim Varney, who later went on to become the legendary Ernest P. Worrell.  For the longest time, I always assumed that Mie and Kei were sisters, but such is not the case, and they apparently still remain friends today, although they no longer perform.  Also, PL&J apparently have a few other fans in this hemisphere, judging by this fan site.

Classic Old-School Fast Food Joint #3

A quick salute to a relatively minor chain of root beer & hot dog/burger stands called Dog 'n' Suds, who tried to follow in the footsteps of A&W, who were making big strides in the mid-'70s.  I don't remember a whole lot about them, other than they replaced our legendary Raytown Smak's Drive-In sometime in 1974 or 1975, and they made the mistake of installing a jukebox there.  I distinctly remember riding my bike up there during the summer of '75 and torturing the hamburger-flippers therein by constantly playing Ringo Starr's "Oh My My" and Queen's "Killer Queen".  D'n'S only lasted a couple years in Raytown and the drive-in was turned into a used car lot for a few years, and the place was torn down sometime in the early '80s.  The photos here are of a couple retro Dog 'n' Suds locations, as there apparently are still a few operating around the upper Midwest.

Eet's not my job, mang!

GOOD KNIGHT AND GOOD RIDDANCE
Of all the names I’ve ever called Bobby Knight, I never imagined “quitter” would be one of them, but the big jerk abruptly decided to retire from coaching yesterday, with well over a month remaining on the Texas Tech basketball schedule.  Knight has his admirers and Knight has his detractors—you can count me in the latter group.  Yes, he’s the winningest coach in NCAA history, and yes, most of his players actually finish school and graduate—very admirable on both counts—but that doesn’t justify his often boorish behavior, on the court, and especially off it.  I’m sorry, but I find it rather difficult to respect someone who goes around hurling office equipment at defenseless female support staffers or picking fights with university officials at salad bars, and yet goes around playing martyr because he gets such a bad rap.  Whatever, Bob—I’ll save my respect for the classy coaches like Dean Smith, John Wooden and Coach K.

PETTY THOUGHTS ON THE SUPER BOWL
Yes, pun intended.  One thing I could’ve done without during Tom Petty’s Super Bowl set was the “designated audience” rushing the front of the stage as if Petty was their idol—these were the same people who were bopping along to Alicia Keys during the pre-game show.  K.C. Star sports columnist Jeff Flanagan also made an excellent point in today’s paper about the halftime shows of recent years.  By featuring old-school acts like Tom Petty, Paul McCartney, Prince and The Stones, it speaks volumes about the current sorry-ass state of the music biz.  There aren’t any remotely-decent—let alone relevant—bands out there today that are worthy of such a big-time stage.  Pretty damn sad...

Getting back to Alicia Keys, I know she’s highly-acclaimed and all, but I just don’t see what the big deal is about her.  Decent voice, I guess, but her music doesn’t do anything for me.  And I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve grown really weary of all these female singers who do the whole choreography shtick that Madonna pioneered way back when.  Is there no room for improvisation on stage anymore?  Call me old-school, but Pat Benatar, Ann Wilson and Belinda Carlisle never needed a flotilla of dancers on stage with them to get their point across—they let their singing to the talking, which is how it should be.

As for the rest of the day’s proceedings, there’s something just a tad warped about Fox-TV staging a pre-game show that was nearly an hour longer than the game itself—can you say overkill, boys and girls?  And Ryan Seacrest is about the phoniest som-bitch this side of John Tesh.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I missed most of the first quarter and part of the second quarter, therefore I didn’t get to see all the commercials, so I can’t really comment on them, but the one I liked was the Coke ad featuring the Macy’s parade balloons of Underdog and Stewie from “Family Guy” losing their beloved soda to Charlie Brown, who finally scored for once!

A CLEAR-CUT MAJORITY
There’s been a rather comical attempt by local politico wanna-be Richard Tolbert to block the recently approved plan to demolish Bannister Mall and replace it with a new soccer stadium for the Kansas City Wizards, along with an attached office and retail complex similar in concept to the Legends complex adjacent to the Kansas Speedway over in Wyandotte County. Mr. Tolbert—a black man—says Bannister Mall is still viable and that there is a definite need for a “black mall” in the area—is this not racism in reverse?  He claims Bannister is still worth saving, never mind the fact that there were only a handful of shops still operating when the mall closed last May, and nearly all of them were operated by African-Americans—and not exactly doing scintillating business, either.

Anyway, Mr. Tolbert tried to get a petition going to block the new project, which required a minimum of 8,475 signatures and he managed to obtain all but 8,473 of them—and one of those was probably his!  The guy has no actual plan to save the mall anyway, and what’s worse, this joker doesn’t even live anywhere near it!  If you were so bloody concerned about saving Bannister Mall, Mr. Tolbert, where the fuck were you about ten years ago when all the carjackings, purse-snatchings and sexual assaults started driving customers away, causing the long steady decline of what was once one of the premier shopping malls in this region?  Okay, bud, you got your name in the paper, you had your 15 minutes of fame, now go crawl back under your rock before you fuck up a really cool project for the rest of us.

THE THING THAT WON’T GO AWAY
Remember that old “Saturday Night Live” skit where John Belushi was this uninvited guest of Bill Murray and Jane Curtin who wouldn’t take a hint and refused to leave the premises?  Well, I get that same vibe from local “legendary” DJ Randy Miller, who’s openly-campaigning to be the morning drive jock at the new 99.7 Boulevard station.  This hack used to be the #1 jock in Kansas City for years back during the ‘80s and ‘90s, and I’ve never understood why—he’s not all that funny, his on-air comments and publicity stunts often backfired on him, thus leading to numerous suspensions and/or firings from the various stations he worked at, and he’s Exhibit A on why I so totally despise that species of sub-humans known as “shock jocks”.  He also goes around now claiming to be a Born-Again Christian to make people think he’s not the asshole he used to be, but I’m not buying it.  Fortunately, The Boulevard says their focus will be on the music, so they aren’t likely to hire Miller for his shopworn on-air histrionics anyway.

A BLAST FROM THE PAST
Anybody out there remember this guy?  Anybody out there got a hanker for a hunka cheese?  Special thanks to my friend Stacy for jogging my memory banks—I hadn't seen ol' Timer in over 30 years!

Go ask Alice...

…what Vincent Furnier got for his 60th birthday.  Our favorite Rock ‘N’ Roll ghoul this side of Gene Simmons, the legendary Alice Cooper, hit the big 6-0 yesterday—pretty shocking for a shock Rocker.  But AC is still quite active these days, and his syndicated radio show, “Nights With Alice Cooper” is rather enjoyable, as he always digs up some obscure old-school stuff and plays it, but sadly we don’t get it here in KC anymore with the recent demise of 99.7 KY.  Alice is also a rather paradoxical individual.  He was condemned by the religious right for his demonic stage show, yet he’s the son of a minister, and swears off using profanity (tee-hee!).  He’s the quintessential Rock Star, yet his major vice now is playing golf!  He’s a reformed alcoholic, but owns a chain of baseball-themed sports bars (named “Cooperstown”, naturally).

Cooper’s heyday was the early ‘70s, of course, and he paved the way for not only theatrical bands like Kiss, but the whole Glam Rock genre as well.  Alice overindulged in alcohol and his career nosedived in the late ‘70s, apart from several middle-of-the-road hit singles, like “How You Gonna See Me Now?” (co-written by Elton John lyricist Bernie Taupin), "I Never Cry", "You And Me" and “Only Women Bleed”, and by the ‘80s, Alice was pretty much a has-been.  Then he resurrected his career in 1989 with his killer comeback album Trash, which featured contributions from the members of Aerosmith and Bon Jovi, and he’s toured pretty steadily since then.  For some reason, I’ve never seen Alice in concert before, so I can’t really comment on his live act, other than what I’ve seen in videos, and there’s nothing too outrageous for him to try on stage, including beheading himself and living to tell about it.

My All-Time Alice Cooper Top 15 (or so):
15) [tie] “Bed Of Nails” (1989)/"Spark In The Dark" (1989)  These two songs from Trash are very similar in terms of style and content, so I include them together.  With lines like "I'll drive you like a hammer on a bed of nails" and "I wanna touch you everywhere", there ain't a whole lotta subtlety here...
14) “I Got A Line On You” (1988)  Nice remake of the 1969 Spirit classic, which was included on the soundtrack of the Louis Gossett, Jr. action flick Iron Eagle II.
13) “Hey Stoopid” (1991)  Title track of the rather disappointing follow-up to Trash, it's a pretty good anti-drug song along the lines of "Kicks" by Paul Revere & The Raiders—i.e., it gets its point across without losing its cool.  It also features a cameo appearance by Ozzy Osbourne and guitar from Joe Satriani and Slash from G 'n' R.  And that's future Kiss drummer Eric Singer on the drums in the video.
12) "House Of Fire" (1989)  Another romantic love ballad from Alice, this time co-written by Joan Jett.
11) “Might As Well Be On Mars” (1991)  Great song from Hey Stoopid about feeling alienated from friends.  This came out during a period when I felt blown-off by some co-workers I thought were my friends, so I related to it, big-time.
10) “Clones (We’re All)” (1980)  One of Alice's oddest tunes, which came out during the period where he was very unfocused musically, but for some reason, I really like this one.  Rather trippy in a Gary Numan-sort of way.
9) “Hello Hooray” (1974)  Opening track off what was probably AC's best '70s album, Billion Dollar Babies.  I didn't think much of this one at first, but it's really grown on me over time.
8) "I'm Eighteen" (1971)  Alice's music publishing company filed a lawsuit against Paul Stanley and Kiss in 1999 because his song "Dreamin'" off the Psycho Circus album bears more than a passing resemblance to the tune of "I'm Eighteen".  Alice himself wasn't all that upset about it, though.  Gotta love the old video of this one where Alice was clearly drunk off his ass and stumbling around in those platform shoes.
7) “Poison” (1989)  Song that put AC back on the map and introduced him to a whole new generation of headbangers to boot.
6) “Under My Wheels” (1974)  If and when I ever do break down and get a cell phone, I want a ringtone on it with this song's opening line, "The telephone is ringin'..."
5) “Be My Lover” (1971)  This was the first thing I ever remember hearing from Alice on AM radio when I was seven.  I love the story behind that mysterious "click" near the end of the song right after Alice sings, "...and I'm still on my own".  Seems that drummer Neil Smith was being a hot dog in the studio by twirling his sticks as if he were on-stage, and he fumbled them.  They left it in anyway...
4) “Why Trust You?” (1989)  A song I dedicate (with love) to Dubya, especially the lines "You promised me the moon and the stars and the sun, but you never did nothing for anyone," and "I wonder how low you would go, I wonder how high your head would blow...Gimme one good reason--why trust you?"
3) “School’s Out” (1972)  Pretty hard not to like this anthem whilst growing up during the '70s.
2) “No More Mr. Nice Guy” (1973)  Very underrated guitar work here by the late Glen Buxton, and one of the greatest "fuck you" songs ever.
1) “Elected” (1972)  Purely tongue-in-cheek, but so very classic.  I remember seeing the "campaign video" on "Midnight Special" way back in the day.  Shit, at this point, I wish to hell Big Al would fucking run for President—I'd cast my vote for the Wild Party in a heartbeat.  Yankee Doodle Dandy, indeed!

Eli came!

Far be it for me to ever root for a New York sports team (my mighty New Jersey Devils notwithstanding), but a major salute goes out from yours truly to Eli Manning and the New York Football Giants for their titanic upset of the New England Patriots in Stupor Bowl 42 tonight.  Now, I won't claim that I predicted the G-men to win tonight, but I did say that this game would be a whole lot closer than the 14-point spread that was predicted (check back to this here blog a couple weeks ago).  Props to young master E. Manning (the game's MVP) for engineering the game-winning drive with 2.5 minutes to go, climaxing with Plexiglas Burress' TD catch with :35 remaining to give the Giants the 17-14 win, thus popping numerous corks in the greater Miami area as the 1972 Dolphins alumni can still lay claim to the only perfect season in NFL history.

Props also go out to Tom Petty for his very classy halftime performance that included no waredrobe malfunctions or phallic symbols whatsoever.  Although I'm not all that big a TP fan, he's managed to put together a very steady and consistent career, and he did himself proud tonight.

If Coke's a joke, I can't wait for the next line...

A little '70s vintage drug humor for you, there...

WHAT CAN BROWNE DO FOR YOU?
I've been tuning in from time to time to our new radio station here in KC, 99.7 "The Boulevard", and I have to admit it ain't near as wretched as I expected it to be.  However, one thing I'm baffled by is their frequent and borderline-obsessive use of Jackson Browne in their drop-in promos and heavy rotation of his music.  Don't get me wrong—JB seems like a nice guy and he's had a pretty good career, and yes, I know they named their station after one of his songs, but I can't believe there's that big an outcry to hear his music on the radio.  I would also submit that while he has some great songs, Jackson Browne does not belong in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame.  My good friend Tom and I actually walked out on one of his concerts at Sandstone Amphitheater in 1993.  We (I, actually) were there to see the opening act, my man John Hiatt, but Browne's set was so disorganized and haphazard that we wondered if he and his band were still rehearsing!  He might've finally gotten around to playing his biggies like "Running On Empty" and "Doctor My Eyes", but we didn't wait around to find out...

As for the radio station's new format, while it totally seems like a neutered version of the Classic Rock station it replaced (completely bereft of power chords and all) I do like some of the musical selections I've caught on their airwave so far—stuff you rarely hear on the radio anymore like Springsteen's "Cadillac Ranch", The Police's "Can't Stand Losing You" and (just as I had hoped), Dire Straits' "Tunnel Of Love".  On the downside, they need to go easy on spinning "Born To Run" so much.  (Sorry, Randy!)

AND WHILE I'M ON LOCAL RADIO...
Can someone explain to me why I should give a rip that some of our local KC sports talk yakkers were broadcasting live all week from Phoenix?  Apart from two former Chiefs playing for the Giants (Lawrence Tynes and Kawika Mitchell), there's no local Super Bowl angle at all.  It's rather pathetic listening to these guys hurling softball questions to any former NFL star who'll care to share his Super Bowl experiences with them.  Dead air would actually sound better...

IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!
We had some weird weather phenomenon yesterday morning, as it was snowing while the sun was out.  I fully expected this to produce a snow-bow, but none was forthcoming...

GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST LEAGUE?
It seems that Montgomery, Alabama's minor league baseball team is called the Biscuits.  Apparently they play in the same division as the Birmingham Bagels and the Sarasota Cinnamon Rolls...

IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?
I read this week that Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens—arguably the Yankee Stadium of hockey—is going to be converted into an oversized grocery store.  MLG closed in 1999 when the Maple Leafs (Leaves?) moved to the antiseptic Air Canada Center, and the team's owners won't allow the old building to host anything that might compete with the ACC, so MLG has been wasting away ever since.  A grocery store?!?  I'd just as soon see them implode the friggin' place...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #69
"Whisky Man"—MOLLY HATCHET (1979)  "Ohh, straight at cha, babe!"  I always mistook the late Danny Joe Brown's opening line to mean "Stretch your belt!"  Well, come on, this was a song about drinking heavily, and when you do so, sometimes it's necessary to loosen the old belt a little...

JARED, DON'T YOU LOSE THAT NUMBER...
Chiefs defensive end Jared Allen has opened a new bar & grill here in town, a radio commercial for which claims "We'll wine you, we'll dine you, we'll sixty-nine you!"  Some folks might not be aware that Jared wears #69 for the Chiefs, but hopefully they won't be offended...

SPLATTERED ALL OVER—MANHATTAN
Mmmm-kay, it wasn't quite a splattering, but I've been dying to use that line.  Congrats to the Kansas State Wildcats mens' bassit-ball team for finally figuring out how to beat Kansas in their own building Wednesday night.  You see, the Mildcats hadn't beaten KU at home since 1983, and this was their first win over the Jayhawks at their current home, Bramlage Coliseum, which opened 20 years ago.  Also nice to see K-State return to their former glory as a basketball power.  Hopefully Missouri will soon follow suit, if and when their players quit being knuckleheads by getting shit-faced and starting bar brawls that result in mass suspensions...

MISSED OPPORTUNITY
I was listening to my Heart Greatest Hits CD at work today.  Good stuff from Ann and Nancy Wilson, to be sure.  A thought occurred to me, though—it's a dirty shame Jimmy Buffett already used the album title Songs You Know By Heart...

WHERE GREAT IDEAS ORIGINATE
You know where they got the idea for bar codes from?  Very simple, really—they just took aerial photographs of this dude's hair...

Inspecting The Cars

The Cars are another band that I took an immediate dislike to when they first came along, but grew to really like as time wore on.  When their first album started getting mass radio airplay in ’78, I was heavily into Kiss and Ted Nugent and other testosterony Rock ‘N’ Roll at the time, so I was highly resistant to the whole New Wave scene, especially these nerdy-looking guys wearing skinny neckties.  I was also largely unimpressed with The Cars when they played Summer Jam ’79 at Arrowhead Stadium (on the same bill with Heart and Nugent), but to be fair, they weren’t a stadium band, and came off much better live in smaller venues, as their various concert video clips attest.  Their second album, Candy-O, came out about that same time, and that’s when The Cars started to grow on me, and once I got past the un-photogenic Ric Ocasek’s often obtuse lyrics, they eventually wound up being one of my favorite bands from the ‘80s.

As with Cheap Trick and Journey, I find The Cars’ “B-stuff” to be far superior to their big radio hits.  “Good Times Roll”, “Just What I Needed” and “My Best Friend’s Girl” are okay songs, but with me they pale in comparison underrated gems like “Don’t Cha Stop”, “Got A Lot On My Head” and “Think It Over”.  Their high-water mark for me was 1981’s Shake It Up, which is one of my favorite albums from the techno-pop era.  Keyboardist Greg Hawkes was all over that record with his synthesizers, but not to the point of overkill as with many other ‘80s contemporaries.  Bassist Benjamin Orr was the other unsung hero of The Cars, as he was the far superior vocalist to Ocasek, and I tend to gravitate more toward his songs than Ric’s.

Their 1984 release, Heartbeat City, was a major commercial success, but that album left me really flat.  I thought stuff like “Magic”, “Hello Again” and the insipid “You Might Think” were a bit too cutesy and wimpy, with the only true highlight being “Drive” (the band's biggest hit ever), which showcased Ben Orr’s outstanding vocals.  Conversely, their final album, 1987’s Door To Door was a major flop, but a much better record in my opinion, with standout songs like “Strap Me In”, “Ta Ta Wayo Wayo”, the title track and “You Are The Girl”. The video for the latter song was a total hoot, featuring all matter of alien “girls” reminiscent of Star Wars cantina bar patrons.

By the mid-'80s, the lure of solo careers for Ocasek, Orr and guitarist Elliot Easton beckoned and the band broke up in 1988 after six albums—still a fairly prolific output for an ‘80s band.  Orr’s solo career got off to a great start in ’86 with the adult contemporary hit “Stay The Night”—great make-out song, by the way—but never really advanced after that.  Ocasek’s solo stuff was rather hit-and-miss, and Easton’s went largely unnoticed.  I always held out hope for a Cars reunion someday, but that was quashed with Orr’s untimely death in October, 2000 from pancreatic cancer.  At the time of his passing, Orr was playing in a band called Big People, which also included .38 Special guitarist Jeff Carlisi and erstwhile Nugent sidekick Derek St. Holmes—not a bad lineup.  Hawkes and Easton—apparently with the full blessing of Ocasek and retired original drummer David Robinson—did put together "The New Cars" and toured a couple years back with ‘70s legend Todd Rundgren replacing Ocasek, Utopia bassist Kasim Sultan taking Orr’s spot and former Tubes drummer Prairie Prince, but it was hardly the same, and reeked of tribute-band syndrome—that "New Car" smell, you might say.  "Used Cars" would've been a more appropriate name.  [Sorry, couldn't resist...]

My All-Time Cars Top 20:
20) “Panorama” (1980)  Title track off The Cars’ third album, which wasn’t quite as good as their first two.  This song’s really quirky, but I still like it anyway.
19) “Let’s Go” (1979)  Opening track and biggest hit from Candy-O, and a song all about some chick who doesn’t wear shoes, but really likes the nightlife, baby.
18) “Door To Door” (1987)  One of the faster Cars songs ever, complete with driving beat.  Get it?  Cars/driving!  Har-de-har-har...
17) “Dangerous Type” (1979)  Closing track on Candy-O, the lyrics of which I used to alter when singing, "She's a NUT like you—the dangerous type..."
16) "Moving In Stereo" (1978)  Song forever associated with the masturbation scene in Fast Times At Ridgemont High.  Not unlike Journey’s “City Of The Angels”, this was one of the most accidentally-played songs on the radio because the intro overlaps the previous album track, “Bye Bye Love”.
15) “Touch And Go” (1980)  The biggest hit off the somewhat disappointing Panorama album, the guitar on this song has an almost 1950’s tone to it.
14) “Strap Me In” (1987)  Opening track from the ill-fated Door To Door album.  Not sure why this one tanked—it’s not a bad song.
13) “Just What I Needed” (1978)  Very sad to hear this one being used on TV commercials now.
12) “Cruiser” (1981)  A favorite off Shake It Up featuring Elliot Easton and Greg Hawkes trading riffs with their respective instruments.
11) “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight” (1978)  I remember this being the lone song that really came off well at that Arrowhead gig, as Greg Hawkes’ synthesizer sound seemed to swirl all around the stadium during the choruses.
10) “Shake It Up” (1981)  Great hit single.  I always loved the Bernadette Peters clone in the video for this one too.
9) “Night Spots” (1979)  Hawkes shows off some more here, and the Close Encounters riff was a brilliant added touch.
8) “Gimme Some Slack” (1980)  I have no earthly idea what Ocasek means by lines like “I wanna shake like LaGuardia...”, but I’ve always loved this song anyway.  Ever notice how eerily similar the drum intro bit is to that of Devo’s “Whip It”?  They’re practically identical.
7) “Ta Ta Wayo Wayo” (1987)  More Ocasek goofiness in the lyrics, but this one was quite catchy.
6) “It’s All I Can Do” (1979)  One of Ben Orr’s finest vocal outings, and a great song about pining for someone you can’t have—been there, done that.  It was a perfect fit for the soundtrack of Adam Sandler’s The Wedding Singer.
5) “Candy-O” (1979)  Another fine Ben Orr vocal outing.
4) “A Dream Away” (1981)  This song from Shake It Up has a very hypnotic quality about it that makes you just want to lay back and go on a little head trip, and you don’t even need any drugs...
3) “Got A Lot On My Head” (1979)  One of Ocasek’s better vocal performances and some nifty guitar work from Easton.
2) “Think It Over” (1981)  My favorite track among many faves from Shake It Up.  This one had “hit single” written all over it, and I never understood why they didn’t release it as such.
1) “Don’t Cha Stop” (1978)  Easily my favorite song off the first Cars album—this song is quintessential techno-pop at its finest.  Singer Albert Hammond, Jr. does a nice cover version of it too.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

DID YOUR MOTHER MAKE YOU WEAR THAT SHIRT?
Unfortunately, yes, she did!  I was foraging through my personal archives today, and unearthed this little gem—my First Grade school photo from Blue Ridge Elementary, circa. Fall, 1970.  How 'bout those baby blues, huh?  And where the hell did those Opie-esque freckles come from?

Funny story behind this photo—I had to have my pic taken a few weeks after the rest of the class had theirs done because on the night before the scheduled class photo day, I just had to do my Evel Knievel impersonation by attempting to pop a wheelie on my mighty Sears bicycle, which resulted in me crashing into our neighbor's driveway, knocking myself out cold and rendering yours truly with a rather unsightly fat lip!  Meantime, I hated that bloody shirt then and I loathe it exponentially more now.  At least my ugly-ass Sears Toughskins pants ain't visible here...

A BLESSING IN DISGUISE
I had to drop 500 semolians this week to repair my furnace, which just up and quit overnight when it got down to four degrees in the great outdoors the other night.  Seems that it was internally overheating because my condenser coil was dirty and clogged with all manner of crap, which prohibited proper airflow and triggered an automatic shut-off switch.  The blessing part came when the repairman detected how rusted-out the pipe leading from the furnace to my roof exhaust pipe was.  This is where carbon monoxide builds up and is transported out, and if it had started leaking out into my crawl space and drifted upstairs through the vents, yours truly would no longer need a furnace, so the 500 bucks was a small price to pay to correct this potentially lethal situation.  I lost a friend to carbon monoxide poisioning 13 years ago this month, so this really hit home with me.  Special thanks to the "heating man from A.B. May", as their local TV ad jingles say.

HE WASN'T A HOMOSEXUAL—HE JUST PLAYED ONE IN A MOVIE!
The way some morons are reacting to actor Heath Ledger's untimely death, you'd think he was indeed gay, never mind that he dated his female co-star from Brokeback Mountain and fathered a child with her.  Uhhh, Tom Hanks played a gay man in Philadelphia, yet no one considers him to be gay, do they?  The late John Ritter's character pretended to be gay on "Three's Company", but everyone knew he was straight, right?  Well, none of that stopped Fox News radio host John Gibson from taking pot shots at Ledger by using the line where Ledger's Brokeback character said, "I wish I knew how to quit you," to which Gibson tastelessly replied, "Well, he found out how to quit you!" Gibson later offered a predictably half-assed and totally insincere apology that no one—least of all me—is buying.  Then again, what else should one expect from some douche connected with Faux News Channel?

And to the surprise of absolutely no one, the merry band of walking/talking human feces known as Rev. Fred Phelps' Westboro Baptist Church plans to protest at Ledger's funeral.  It figures.  I hope the funeral is held in Ledger's native Australia so these fuckers will have to pay through the nose to get there.

THE NEW YORK TIMES' EFFECT ON MAN?
The New York Times ripped on former mayor and current flagging Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani pretty good this week with an editorial that endorsed John McCain, saying "The Rudolph Giuliani of 2008 first shamelessly turned the horror of 9/11 into a lucrative business, with a secret client list, then exploited his city's and the country's nightmare to promote his presidential campaign."  Pretty strong words, yes, but let's not forget that even though ol' Rudy handled the 9/11 tragedy about as well as anyone could under the circumstances, prior to all that, he was a VERY unpopular mayor, and some New Yawkers wanted his head on a platter.  He'll be dropping out of the race any minute now...

A LITTLE SLOW ON THE UPTAKE, HERE...
It took me well over 30 years to make this connection, but the game Gnip-Gnop is "Ping-Pong" spelled backwards!  Hell, I bet Forrest Gump even figured that out before I did...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #68
"China Grove"—THE DOOBIE BROTHERS (1973) This song seems to have bamboozled everyone for decades.  I've seen two different interpretations here:  "When the gossip gets to flying, they a-lign when the sun goes fallin' down..." and "When the gossip gets to flying, they ain't lying..."  Anybody know which one's correct?

CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #3
All hail the mighty Milton Bradley!

Classic Old-School Fast-Food Joint #2

This time I salute a local favorite, the Smaks hamburger chain, which at one time was huge in the Kansas City area.  At their peak, they had nearly two dozen locations around the city in the early '70s, including one in Raytown on 50 Hiway that I could literally see from my bedroom window when I was young.  My apologies for the poor photo quality here (click to enlarge), which I pirated from a Kansas City Star publication—get a load of those menu prices on the sign!  We rarely ate out as a family (Dad hated taking us anywhere) but when we did, we frequented Smaks more than any other fast food joint, to the point where I never even set foot in a McDonald's until 1973!  Smaks had the finest vanilla shakes on the planet, too...

The typical Smaks was laid out in similar fashion to Sonic drive-ins, although they didn't provide curb service—you had to go inside to get your food. Smaks even had a mascot, Smaky The Seal, who appeared in their TV and print ads, giving their food his "Seal of Approval", naturally.  Sadly, Smaks was unable to compete with McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's as the '70s wore on, and one by one, their restaurants closed.  The one in Raytown died sometime in 1974-75 and was converted into a Dog 'N' Suds root beer stand, which will be the subject of a future post.  A Firestone tire place now occupies the site.

Useless Information--Vol. I

A little TV/movie trivia for you, just for fun...

—Al Bundy on "Married...With Children" always bragged about his exploits on the gridiron for Polk High School.  The man who played him, actor Ed O'Neill, actually was a football player in real life.  He was drafted and cut by the Pittsburgh Steelers in 1969.  He was also once considered (and turned down, thankfully) for the role of the father on the saccharine "Family Ties".

—Actor Mike Riley—best known for playing Tarzan in three films in the '60s, as well as Col. Penobscott on "M*A*S*H" and Junior in Smokey And The Bandit—actually did play for the Steelers, as well as the L.A. Rams.  He was a linebacker in the late '50s and early '60s.

—Film legend Spencer Tracy was offered the role of The Penguin on TV's "Batman" before Burgess Meredith got it.  Lyle Waggoner lost out to Adam West for the show's title role, too.  Maybe there IS a God after all...

—John Voight turned down the role of oceanographer Matt Hooper in Jaws.  Dummy.

—John Belushi was slated to be in Ghostbusters in the role that subsequently went to Ernie Hudson.

—Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale—a little "Gilligan's Island" trivia for you:  The late Jayne Mansfield was considered for the role of Ginger.  Ginger's last name was Grant...Gilligan's first name was Willie, although it was never mentioned on the show...The Skipper's name was Jonas Grumby (he's Grumby, dammit!) and The Professor's name was Roy Hinkley...The Wellingtons sang the show's famous theme song...Actor Jerry Van Dyke (later of "Coach" fame) passed on the role of Gilligan because he thought it was "the worst thing I've ever read."

—Howie Mandel of "Deal Or No Deal" provided the voice of Gizmo in the film Gremlins.

—Anybody remember the '70s kids show "Isis"?  Actress JoAnna Cameron was also considered for the role that went to Ali McGraw in 1970's Love Story.

—Film legend Lana Turner allegedly dated Judge Joseph Wapner in high school.  Wonder if Rain Man knew that...

—Among those who auditioned for "The Monkees" and were turned down:  Harry Nilsson, Stephen Stills, Danny Hutton (later of Three Dog Night), songwriter Paul Williams and—keep your smelling salts handy, now—charming Charles Manson!