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Evidently not! Witness the following:
EPISODE I
In what may be the ultimate "What the hell were you thinking?" brain fart of all-time, Golfweek magazine published this cover in the wake of the Golf Channel announcer chick's recent boneheaded utterance about lynching Tiger Woods in an alley. The Golf Channel gal's gaffe was inadvertent, but this was premeditated—how dumb do ya gotta be to publish something like this, even if it's all in fun? The magazine wisely fired their editor who was behind it all...
EPISODE II
Seems that Ike Turner's death was officially caused by a cocaine overdose. True to form, ol' Ike remained a total dumbass right up to the bitter end.
EPISODE III
Rumors are flying that Britney Spears is pregnant again. Please do us all a big favor, Brit—save us the agony that we went through with Anna Nicole by doing paternity tests to find out who the father is before you do yourself in with a drug overdose...
EPISODE IV
This from Dave Alpert, market manager of Entercom Kansas City, the man who was behind the demise of legendary KC radio station 99.7 KY, bragging on the station's new format: "There are at least 550 songs on the station that were not on KY...The old station was totally corporate radio...I'm not dissing it, but there was not a lot of thinking outside of the box. Just play the same 325 songs over and over."
Dumb question, but why couldn't they have merely added those 550 songs to KY's existing playlist in the first place instead of blowing up the station and alienating a lot of loyal listeners? This new format sounds pretty damn corporate to me, although I do give them points for playing Elton John's "Madman Across The Water"—excellent track. Their inclusion of Dire Straits' "Down To The Waterline" gives me hope that they might also play my favorite DS track "Solid Rock" as well as stuff like "Tunnel Of Love" and "Romeo And Juliet", but time will tell.
Meantime, with all my bitching and complaining about the sorry state of Rock 'N' Roll radio, I've decided to do something about it and create my own personal radio station on the new Ipod that I got for Christmas. Being as resistant to change as I am, I was reluctant to make the jump to Ipod-land at first, but I had a change of heart when it occurred to me that I can just load a thousand or so of my favorite tunes into this little sucker, put the som-bitch on "shuffle" and let 'er rip!
EPISODE V
Word has it that the tiger in the San Francisco zoo was being taunted by the guy that it successfully tried to eat and kill last month. Tigger's dinner entree was apparently drunk off his ass at the time, and in a place where he shouldn't have been in the first place, therefore these people who claim that the barriers were insufficient are full of shit!
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST?
According to the papers, the writer’s strike now threatens the upcoming Grammy Awards broadcast. Just as with Julie Brown’s "Homecoming Queen" gunning down the entire Glee Club, it’s "No big loss…" Did anyone truly miss the Golden Globe Awards this year? Apart from these people who obsess over all the red carpet palaver, I think not.
"O" IS FOR OMNIPOTENT
Are you ready for all-Oprah all the time? Evidently, that’s going to happen when Discovery Health Channel morphs into the Oprah Channel, thus displacing thousands of hours’ worth of baby-birthing shows.
You know, I give Oprah credit for taking the high road on her talk show by not featuring stuff like the "White Trash Theater" crap Jerry Springer and Moron Povich air every day, but still there’s something about this woman that I don’t like, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Some of it has to do with her arrogance, I think—I mean how humble can you be to name a magazine after yourself and feature your own photo on the cover of every issue? I think it might also have a bit to do with overexposure on her part, and having her own cable network is only going make that worse.
OKAY, I’M CONFUSED…
How is it Hillary Clinton gets 55% of the vote in the Michigan primary, yet Obama and Edwards weren’t even on the ballot? Who came up with this convoluted system anyway, anyway—Curly, Moe and Larry or FEMA? And dumb question, but why do they hold the Michigan Primary in the middle of January when the weather is usually shitty and people might not be able to get out and vote? Seems to me like March or April might be more favorable…
PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH, MMM-KAY?
I made a little observation while channel-surfing the other night: It occurs to me that the people who host these "What Not To Wear" TV shows are often in more dire need of makeovers than their guests are. Case in point: Finola Hughes, who used to be a real hottie when she was on "General Hospital" back in the ‘80s, but she was dressed like a drag queen on this silly show. They have another one of these pointless crapfests on The Learning Channel (what any of this has to do with "learning" is beyond me) with some flighty black gal hosting it, and she had so much make-up on she looked like a glazed donut! And why do women rely so much on the advice of these flaming homos on what to wear to impress heterosexual guys with? Some of this crap they have these girls wearing on these shows looks like it was designed by Ronald McDonald...
MORE KY POST-MORTEM
Hate to keep beating a dead horse/radio station, but here's an excellent piece by K.C. Star columnist Timothy Finn on the demise of KY. One of his readers posted the following commentary that I found rather profound, too:
"I don't live in the Kansas City area anymore and have no idea what KY had become, but when it was 102 in the late 70's and early 80's and played album rock, it helped define our generation, just as WHB did the previous generation. I am sure its time has since passed..."
Sad to say, but he may be right--perhaps Classic/Album Rock radio has indeed gone the way of Oldsmobile and Montgomery Ward...
CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #2
Give a hoot--don't pollute!
Behold the mission statement of our new radio station, 99.7 The Dead End Street—er uh—The Boulevard. Springsteen and Jackson Browne hard to find on KC radio? Y'all didn't try very hard, then! Stations playing "only the same few song from artists that have many great songs"? Well, then why has The Boulevard already given Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" two spins in the last two days? Pure poffeycock!
All they've done is lop off the harder stuff from the KY's old playlist like AC/DC, Ted Nugent, Van Halen and Ozzy and replaced it with Dave Matthews Bland, Coldplay and R.E.M. Apart from that, it ain't that much different than KY was, just minus the personalities. Once again, this is what happens when radio stations are run by corporations who listen to all these consulting firms and demographic surveys telling them what they think people want to hear. Granted, KY was in desperate need of some re-tooling, but it wasn't worth blowing up if all they're going to do is replace it with this crap! Welcome to Dullsville, boys and girls...
I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine people tuning in this station in droves. As Fred Sanford used to say, "I give it two weeks..."
AND THE BEST ACTOR OSCAR GOES TO...
Terrell Owens in The Crying Game! Normally, this behavior would be considered just a bit tacky for "a man of his statue", as T.O.'s former hoochie-mama publicist once called him. But then again, this headline-grabbing whore will stoop to most anything to keep the spotlight on him, including crying like Nancy Kerrigan. Just a hunch here, but I bet Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia were out shopping for new TVs today after having thrown bricks through their existing ones while watching this load of malarkey. Perhaps T.O. wouldn't have had to cry if he'd bothered to catch a pass or two in the second half yesterday.
For the record, I didn't buy Hillary Clinton's crocodile tears in New Hampshire last week, either...
BLAME JESSICA
And of course, we all know the real reason the Cowboys lost to the Giants was Tony Romo's girlfriend, two-bit bimbo actress Jessica Simpson, aka "Yoko Romo" to Dallas fans—after all, she practically was in on every snap of the ball yesterday! Never mind that the Cowboys were outplayed on defense by the G-men. The fans and the media have been making such a big stink over the little vacation the two them took during Dallas' bye-week—a trip that Romo's coach urged him to take, no less—and it's such a crock. What, all the other players don't have girlfriends to distract them, too? I picked the Giants to win, by the way, so there!
MAYBE NOT LIKE PEYTON MANNING'S TEAM, MAYBE
The only blemish on my postseason game prognostications was San Diego's surprise win at Indianapolis yesterday. I suppose we should blame this on Peyton Manning's girlfriend, huh? Nice job by the Chargers of hanging in there even after losing QB Phillip Rivers and RB LaDainian Tomlinson to injury and having TE Antonio Gates at about half-speed. They don't have a hope in hell against New England next weekend, but it was a valiant effort all the same. This also may well have been Tony Dungy's final game as the Colts' head coach. Hope he stays—he's a classy guy and a good man—but if not, he's done himself proud.
ADIOS TO ANOTHER DOME
Yesterday was also the final Colts game at the RCA (nee Hoosier) Dome, as they move into their new joint across the street next season. Not unlike Seattle's Kingdome, the Hoosier Dome will die pretty young at the age of 24 later this year when they tear it down (the Kingdome barely made it to 23). Still, it's nice to see another dome disappear from the football universe, although their new house will be a part-time domed stadium. However, I will say that of all the bubble-dome football stadiums I've seen in person (Metrodome, Pontiac Silverdome, Carrier Dome) the Hoosier Dome is probably the most stately-looking on the exterior.
JOHNNY PODRES, 1932-2008
Okay, this isn't football, but former Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher Johnny Podres died yesterday. Highly ironic that he later went on to become the pitching coach of the San Diego Padres in the early '70s. I always thought his surname was misspelled on baseball cards and that it should've been Johnny 'Padres'. Oh, dopey me...
The good Dr. Sardonicus beat me to the punch this week with his tribute to the mighty AC/DC. Not trying to play copycat here, but I had been meaning to do my own AC/DC post for some time now, but just never got around to it, so here goes...
My first real exposure to this band was in Speech Class during my sophomore year in high school (1979-80), of all places. One of our class projects entailed each student putting together a 15-minute "radio show" feature about a particular group or artist. I did mine on The Who (and got an A-minus, thank you very much), and another guy did his project on AC/DC. The jaundiced look on the teacher's face was priceless as he played bits of "Whole Lotta Rosie", "Highway To Hell" and "Let There Be Rock". Those songs even managed to sound really cool on that cheesy government-issue single-speaker school record player, so I went out and bought my first AC/DC LPs shortly after that, and I've been a fan ever since.
Angus and Malcolm Young are the brothers of guitarist George Young of Australian '60s band The Easybeats (of "Friday On My Mind" fame). George is the oldest, of course, Angus is the youngest, which naturally leaves Malcolm in the middle [insert rim shot here]. George paired up with fellow-Easybeat Harry Vanda to produce and manage AC/DC, and they've been about as consistent as any band out there, even after the death of original lead singer Bon Scott in early 1980.
Losing a drummer or a bass player is one thing, but losing a lead singer—especially a very beloved one like Bon—would be a lethal blow to most bands. But, in one of the most amazing feats in music history, AC/DC not only recovered from the loss of Scott, but managed to unleash one of the absolutely killer albums of all-time, Back In Black, seemingly without missing a beat! AC/DC fans took to new singer Brian Johnson right away, and he couldn't have asked for a smoother transition. It's a bit of a David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar (or Ginger vs. Mary Ann) comparison, but I honestly like Bon Scott and Brian Johnson equally. Scott was the more witty songwriter of the two, with lines like "It was one of those nights when you turn out the lights, and everything comes into view..." from "Touch Too Much", but Johnson is one of the best screamers of all-time, and he's far more reliable than Scott was (i.e., not likely to get too fucked-up to sing in concert). Johnson also seems like a very humble guy—as do the Young brothers—seemingly ego-free and very approachable, which is refreshing in the Rock 'N' Roll biz.
I've only seen AC/DC once in concert, but it was quite a dandy show at Kemper Arena in 1983 on the Flick Of The Switch tour. There were two things I totally marveled at that night, one being how incredibly good the audio was—this was one of the best-sounding P.A.'s I've ever heard at a concert, especially for a raw band like this. The other thing that amazed me was how Angus could roll around on stage and do all his berserk histrionics without missing a single note! That little dude is one of the most underrated guitar players ever.
One more little AC/DC tidbit for you: Once upon a time back in the early '80s, I was channel-surfing on the TV one night and happened upon our local-yokel Jesus station, Channel 50, and they were on a crusade against Rock music and objectionable lyrics at the time. On this night, they were dissecting "Highway To Hell" and the lyrics thereof, and they put the HTH album cover on the screen and the camera zoomed in on Angus' image (complete with devil horns, of course). Someone on the show then made the comment, "And did you know that this young man drank himself to death recently? How sad that Satan got inside him and destroyed his life, praise Jesus!" (or something like that). Obviously a misinformed idiot she was, thinking it was Angus who had died and not Bon Scott, but I always thought it would be totally delicious if Angus could've burst through their studio doors and shocked everyone by showing he could "rise from the dead". All those God-fearing pinheads would've most assuredly had some major skidmarks in their underwear!
My All-Time AC/DC Top 20:
20) "Thunderstruck" (1990) It never ceases to amaze me how Angus keeps that riff up throughout the entire song in concert. This song has also become a sports event staple.
19) "Riff Raff" (1978) I didn't think much of this one at first, but it grew on me profusely over time. Love the line, "I never shot nobody—don't even carry a gun!"
18) "This Means War" (1988) Closing track on the Blow Up Your Video album with a catchy little riff not unlike the one from "Thunderstruck".
17) "Touch Too Much" (1979) See my above commentary on Bon's lyrics here.
16) "That's The Way I Wanna Rock 'N' Roll" (1988) Another favorite from Blow Up Your Video.
15) "Back In Black" (1980) Did you ever think you'd live to see the day when college football marching bands would play this song—frequently?
14) "It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Wanna Rock 'N' Roll)" (1976) Interesting use of bagpipes here. I truly believed it when Bon sang "I tell ya, folks, it's harder than it looks..."
13) "Rocker" (1976) Quite possibly the fastest AC/DC song of all-time. Speed don't kill, in this case...
12) "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" (1976) A late bloomer, this one didn't become a true hit until five years after its initial release.
11) "Hells Bells" (1980) Baseball pitcher Trevor Hoffman's favorite song, and another sports stadium staple. Also one of Brian Johnson's finest vocal performances, and perfectly-timed, since it was most AC/DC fans' first taste of him.
10) "Beatin' Around The Bush" (1979) This one would qualify as a Major League "rave-up", as they used to call them back in the '60s.
9) "Heatseeker" (1988) Live version from the 1992 Live double-CD (clever title, guys!) is even better.
8) "Girls Got Rhythm" (1979) Very underrated track from Highway To Hell. Should get more airplay that it does...
7) "Shot Down In Flames" (1979) Bon Scott sums up the bulk of my love-life rather succinctly (with one notable exception, that is) in 3 minutes and 23 seconds!
6) "For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)" (1981) Concert staple that naturally lends itself to pyro and boom-booms.
5) "Problem Child" (1977) Bon Scott's life story, it would appear. Great lines in this one, like "What I want I take, what I don't I break" and "With a flick of my knife I can change your life—there's nothing you can do..."
4) "Big Balls" (1976) Quite possibly the greatest double-entendre Rock 'N' Roll tune in recorded history.
3) "Shoot To Thrill" (1980) My favorite song off Back In Black and it always reminds me of a special person named Susan whom I used to work with and is no longer with us who was really into Hard Rock and Heavy Metal, and I really miss her...
2) "Whole Lotta Rosie" (1977) Not to blow my own horn, here, but I do a fairly good Bon Scott impression during the "Wanna tell you a story, 'bout a woman I know..." portion of the song. By the way, "19 stone" translates to approximately 285 pounds in American—just a big hunk-a hunk-a woman!
1) "Let There Be Rock" (1977) This song just rocks from start to finish, even on that cheapo Raytown South High School record player. Angus totally smokes (on guitar) here too.
[NOTE: I'm sure you're now asking, where's "Highway To Hell" and "You Shook Me All Night Long" on your AC/DC list, Brian? Well, those are classic tunes, to be sure, but jeez Louise, those songs have been played to death so much on the radio and/or at drinking establishments by unimaginative DJs that I'm sick to death of them! Even so, I do always stay tuned for the tail end of the "You Shook Me" video where the blonde cutie raises her leg up over her head...]
...I'll give you a couple seconds to decipher that greeting!
COUNTING UP THE DOUGH...
I finally broke a nasty losing streak at the casinos by popping a slot machine for a nice jackpot last night, reaping a net profit of $246. It had been nearly two years since the last time I won anything of note at the gambling houses around here. Every time I go gambling, I also get a chuckle out of these people who do the whole valet parking thing. Why on earth would you pay some total stranger to park your car? The way these maniac attendants drive, I wouldn't let them go anywhere near my vehicle. And what, you're too lazy to walk a little further from your car in the parking garage to the front door?
TOTALLY POINTLESS PRODUCT #1
Speaking of the never-ending pussification of America, the commercials for these voice-activated car stereo systems crack me up—you know, "Play artist so-and-so." I mean, how fucking hard is it to reach over to the radio and push a button or two? Have we gotten that totally lethargic in this society now? Pitiful, pitiful!
TOTALLY POINTLESS PRODUCT #2
You gotta love this new gimmick Coors Light has been hyping lately with its beer bottle labels where the mountains turn blue to let the consumer know when their beer is cold enough to drink. Seems to me that if you can't figure out how cold your beer is, you probably shouldn't be drinking it anyway...
A REAL SNOW JOB
I loved watching the Packers and Seahawks playing in the white stuff in today's playoff game. When the elements play a part in football, it makes the game even more fun sometimes. By the way, you don't suppose the luxury-car owners in Green Bay drive Lambeau-ghinis, do ya? Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!
CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL TV COMMERCIAL #1
I'm initiating a new regular feature today, since TV Land no longer does their old "Retromercials" anymore. Here's an oldie but a goodie from the good folks at Chuck Wagon dog food. Even though we didn't have a dog, I loved these ads all the same when I was a kid...
PHOOEY, INDEED!
Just for shits and grins, I rented the ancient '70s ABC cartoon show "Hong Kong Phooey" this weekend. You think they'd get away with that title today? For the uninitiated, HKP was a mild-mannered dog named Penrod (voiced by the late Scatman Crothers) who worked as a janitor in a police station. When trouble arose, Penry would leap into a file cabinet and morph into Hong Kong Phooey, legendary martial arts superhero crime fighter. I hadn't seen this thing since I was in 5th grade, and trust me folks, as Huey Lewis once sang, "Sometimes bad IS bad."
"NATURE POINTS UP THE FOLLY OF MAN"...
I can't help but laugh at VH-1's promos for their various "reality" shows, like the current one featuring Scott Baio and this new "Celebrity Rehab" thing which includes D-list hacks like Jeff Conaway and Brigitte Nielsen ostensibly working out their drug problems on national TV instead of in real therapy like normal folks. At the end of each promo, this little "Watch and Discuss" message pops up, as if VH-1's programming is somehow educational or profound. Yes, let's all kick around the plight of Bret Michaels of Poison, shall we? Doesn't it just break your heart when a millionaire Rock star just can't seem to find the perfect tattooed skank of his dreams to doink?
FANTASY, SHMANTASY
Another commercial on VH-1 that makes me chortle is the one for these annual Rock 'N' Roll Fantasy Camps. Similar in concept to baseball fantasy camps, one can pay mega-bucks to hang out with real Rock stars and jam (assuming one has musical ability, that is). In past years, these camps have featured some fairly big-name folks like Paul Stanley and Ace Frehley of Kiss and Roger Daltrey of The Who, but this year's lineup of stars is a tad less stellar, with such Rockers as Alan White of Yes, Elliot Easton of The Cars, Nick Mason of Pink Floyd, and get this—David Ryan Harris from John Mayer's Band!! Who from who's band? Never heard of 'im! I don't suppose they managed to nab any of the guys from Winger too? Is Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap available?
For the second time in ten years, Kansas City’s most-enduring Classic Rock station, 99.7 KY, has bitten the proverbial dust. The original KY-102 was born in 1974, and dominated the airwaves by the end of the decade and well into the ‘80s. KY—btw, NOT named after the lubricant jelly—was our Album Rock champion (back in the days when they actually did play entire albums), and so many of us grew up with the station that it felt like a death in the family when the corporate suits killed it in late 1997 and changed to a “Modern Rock” format (which lasted all of a year before being changed again). Meantime, KY was resurrected down the dial at 99.7 a few months later with more or less the same on-air staff, and all was well again—for a while, anyway. Their ratings were fairly dismal at the time of the first switcheroo, and they never really improved afterwards. KY rested on its own laurels and the station got stale, with only their longevity to hang their hat on. They stuck with the same tired morning show team far too long and the station just took its audience for granted. As of the last ratings period, they were ranked 17th overall—in a 20-station market! To wit, KY's demise was not only inevitable, but totally justifiable.
Now the format is being changed to something called “Quality Rock”, whatever that is. The station will be called "The Boulevard" and will supposedly feature the likes of Tom Petty, U2, Dave Matthews Bland, David Bowie, et al—essentially only Rock people who get nominated for Grammy Awards. Sounds more like "The Dead End Street" to me, therefore I won't be tuning in...
Meanwhile, KY’s second demise feels more like “Oh well, whatever...” than a death in the family. Classic Rock on the radio (as I like to hear it, anyway) has been dead and gone for years, and I’m totally bored with both KY and our other Classic Rock station, 101-The Fox, which have practically identical playlists (i.e., the same 500 songs over and over). Thus, I’ll have no problem catching all those Boston and Mellencamp songs played ad nauseam over at 101, which is more or less the KY Graveyard anyway, as 3/4 of their on-air staff are ex-KY jocks. The only reason 101 outdrew KY in the ratings is the yearly bounce they get from carrying Chiefs games (although this year the bounce was more like a muffled thud). This is what happens when radio stations are run by corporations instead of people who actually give a shit about the music.
Click here for further commentary from the guy who I really think made KY what it was back in their heyday, Mr. Randy Raley.
On my way to work this morning, I tuned in KY before the format change had taken effect, and sure enough, I came in right during the organ solo of Boston's "Smokin'"! Seemed only fitting—one more for the road, huh?
R.I.P., KY (1974-2008)
A FRIENDLY REMINDER...
Elvis’ birthday was two days ago, which means if you haven’t taken down your outdoor Christmas decorations yet, you're are a moron because Christmas is OVAH!
“KILL MOOSE AND SQUIRREL…”
Looks like Boris and Natasha never give up. That's a real moose who literally got "strung up" by his antlers (click pic to enlarge) when workers in Anchorage, Alaska were raising power lines. Fortunately, Bullwinkle was safely lowered back to earth all in one piece. Then again, if he weren't in one piece, there's one place he could go for help:
WAKE ME WHEN IT’S OVER, PLEASE
Are y’all as sick as I am already with all the overblown ESPN-like analysis on the New Hampshire primary and Iowa Carcass? The talking heads at all the news outlets are splitting so many hairs right and left—did Obama say the right things? Does Edwards need a haircut? Did Huckabee look Christian enough? Did Hillary put her pantyhose on straight? This is going to be a very long year…
“OLD SCHOOL” TV RULES!
I checked out the newly-released “Mod Squad” DVD set this week—talk about going back in time! I hadn’t seen that show in probably 35 years, and I didn’t remember all that much about it, except the really cool theme song. One thing I always wondered—what on earth were they running from in the opening title sequence? I thought cops were supposed to be the chasers, not the chase-ees, and these three were high-tailing it like they were being chased by bill collectors on pay day. The plots on the episodes I watched were thinner than Ron Howard’s hair, but these DVDs are worth it alone just to see what people wore back then and all those cool late ‘60s cars, not to mention gas prices at 32.9! The special features also include recent interview clips with Peggy Lipton, who has aged remarkably well since back in the day.
“VOICES ARE CALLING, FROM INSIDE MY HEAD…”
I’ve also been watching the first season of “The Odd Couple” recently, and Felix and Oscar had this neighbor kid named Phillip who appeared in several episodes. I didn’t recognize the kid visually, but his voice sounded very familiar to me, and it was driving me nuts until I looked him up on imdb.com, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the kid who did the voice of Linus on the “Merry Christmas Charlie Brown” special! It scares the shit out of me sometimes how my memory retains stuff like this…
HALL OF FAME FINALLY TAKES GANDER AT GOOSE
Congrats to the Baseball Hall of Fame for finally getting it right and voting in relief pitcher Rich “Goose” Gossage for the class of ’08. Even though he pitched for the Evil Empire (Yankees), I always respected his talent and career achievements, and his induction into the Hall has been long overdue. I don’t get why relief pitchers aren’t recognized for what they do like the other position players are. The Pro Football HOF does the same thing with kickers and punters by acting as if they don’t exist—Jan Stenerud is the only pure kicker who has been inducted so far, and the greatest punter ever—Oakland’s Ray Guy—has been totally snubbed. Hell, if they can recognize non-players like owners, commissioners and announcers, then why do these guys always get ignored?
FUNNY (AND TRUE) STORY
I was reminded the other day of a discussion at work one day a few years back. Some mammogram films had gotten stuck inside this Rolodex-type viewing machine and someone said it was because the person didn’t hang up the films properly. To which I replied, “So what you’re saying is they weren’t well-hung!” [Place rim shot here]
HERE WE GO AGAIN…
Big mouth Al Sharpton is at it again, causing a big stink over this Golf Channel announcer chick Kelly Tilghman’s ill-advised “lynched in a back alley” remark about Tiger Woods. Yes, it was a dumb thing to say on TV, and far be it for me to defend anyone from the friggin’ Golf Channel, but if you watch the video, it clearly wasn’t pre-meditated and was out of her mouth before she knew it. Still, Big Al’s doing all his typical “our race has been offended” opportunist histrionics and wants this gal to be fired and strung up by her nut-sack and all, never mind that Woods himself said he wasn’t offended and everything’s cool at his end. I’d love it if Tiger would go a step further and tell Sharpton and his tag-team partner Jesse Jackson to put a fucking sock in it already...
FROM THE LIFE OF (THE OTHER) BRIAN...
One of my favorite movie scenes of all-time. Try to suppress your laughter—it's damn near impossible!
The good folks at Gallery of The Absurd did a nice job depicting Dr. Phil's lame attempt to score some serious ratings for his show by offering his "help" to Britney Spears over the weekend. Whatever respect I still had for this man has now completely vanished...
I first became a fan of Dr. Phil when he started out on Oprah’s show, and I also thought he was outstanding on the first season of his own show. He dealt with a variety of topics, and even if they didn’t necessarily apply to me, I enjoyed listening to his advice. I bought a couple of his books and found them somewhat helpful as well, but Phil started gradually losing me as a viewer when his show started completely revolving around selling his books for whichever ill of mankind he was out to cure at the time. One season, it was all about parenting (or the lack thereof) and a bunch of “family-this” and “family-that” crappola, thus kicking us single people to the curb in the meantime.
The next season, he got on this whole big weight-loss kick. I’m overweight myself, but I found very little of that crusade’s advice helpful, let alone entertaining. Dr. Phil's true jump-the-shark moment for me was at the beginning of that season when his weight-loss “challenge” commenced and they presented it to be some sort of “Survivor”-esque elimination contest with a bunch of overweight people living together in the same house, with the first one to fail to lose enough weight being kicked out, etc. I felt very betrayed when I realized that Dr. Phil had “gone Hollywood” by playing this asinine “reality show" gambit. The “reality” show trend continued on with the “Dr. Phil Families” he featured later that season, complete with cameras in their homes, thus giving the show an MTV/”Real World” feel with its contrived "mini-dramas" revolving around pregnant teen girls. Such phony bullshit!
Then he started including Mrs. Dr. Phil—his annoying wife Robin—on the show and she always came across to me as a control-freak nag, and I couldn't stand her shrill voice with that Texan drawl to boot. Dr. Phil didn't stop there—he brought his oldest son Jay on the show frequently to promote some book that he wrote for teenagers. Jay was likeable enough, but he hardly struck me as being an authority on teenage angst, seeing's how his pampered little ass never seemed to have experienced any! Then there was the Danny Bonaduce pity-party on the Dr. Phil show a couple years back, and so on and so forth...
Does Dr. Phil really expect us to believe that helping Britney Spears was his sole motivation for visiting her this weekend? How dumb do you think we are, Doc? You know damn well if he could've bagged Britney to be on his show, his ratings would've spiked like gas prices right after a terrorist attack. Hate to say it, but in this household, the Doctor is out! As Fred Sanford once said to Merv Griffin, "I used to like you...dummy!"
GOOD PAUL...
Happy birthday to Paul Revere of The Raiders, who hits the big 7-0 today. I'm on record as not being all that enamored with his current nostalgia act in Branson, which is more of a Rock 'N' Roll oldies revue than a Raiders show, but I do give him credit for still performing and, if nothing else, keeping the group's name alive. I've never met PR in person, but I've heard from more than one source that he's a real nice guy, as is former Raider Mark Lindsay, whom I did have the good fortune to meet in 2001. A tip of the hat to both of these gentlemen for being my first real taste of Rock 'N' Roll at age three.
BAD PAUL...
After reading the booklet that accompanies the new Kissology, Vol III DVD set, I'm very disappointed in Paul Stanley's commentary on Peter Criss and Ace Frehley, and their departures from the band during this decade. This is usually Gene Simmons' forte, but the Starchild chose to rip away on these two, especially Peter. A sample quote: "To this day my biggest regret was watching our hard-fought-for resurrection of the original line-up turn into a miraculous second lottery win where 2 individuals chose once again to throw away the winning ticket...Whether it was drugs, alcohol, family members or advisors—the possibilities were lost...What a waste." Well, Paul, didya ever stop to think that maybe Ace and Peter just don't wanna be in the circus forever? Both of them appear to have remained clean and sober during this time, and they seem to be at different places in their lives, and not to mention were probably fed up with only being able to play the same bloody set list night after night. Perhaps if you and Gene had gotten past your own egos and let them contribute more to the Psycho Circus album in '98 and if you had continued making new music after that instead of resting on past laurels, Ace and Peter might still be in your band, which currently looks like a Kiss tribute band. I also think it's bogus that Ace and Peter aren't allowed to add their commentary to these DVDs and tell their side of the story. End of sermon...
IS THERE ANY DOUBT NOW...
...that Britney Spears is going to be this year's Anna Nicole Smith? Sad to say this, but it's only a matter of time before she offs herself...
MEMO TO ALL FOOTBALL ANNOUNCERS:
The Seattle Seahawks' quarterback's last name is pronounced "Hassel-BECK", not "Hassel-BACK"! Got it, now? Oy!
ONE TIN SOLDIER SHOULD HAVE RODE AWAY!
I watched the so-called "classic" 1971 film Billy Jack for the first time last night. I got about halfway through and gave up on it—I could no longer take the antics of the tree-hugging hippie kids at the school! Even Howard Hesseman in his pre-Dr. Johnny Fever days couldn't save this turkey. Go ahead and hate this movie, go ahead and change the channel!
REAL MAN OF GENIUS
A little trivia you can impress your friends with: ya know who the singer is in the background on the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" radio ads? His name is Dave Bickler, and you might remember him as the original lead singer of the band Survivor, particularly on "Eye Of The Tiger". He left the band not long after that because of throat problems, but quietly made a comeback on these damn funny commercials, and ironically has made more money doing this than he ever did with Survivor. Bickler formed the band with a guy named Jim Peterik, whom you're also familiar with, if you love Top 40 oldies—he sang lead vocals for the one-hit-wonder band Ides of March on 1970's "Vehicle". Trivia class is now dismissed for today...
WANNA WATCH A COMMERCIAL?
Well, it Depends on what it is! A little humor from my girl Julie Brown, yet another redhead I always found myself attracted to—sexy AND funny, what a concept! Her 1987 cult-classic album Trapped In The Body Of A White Girl is finally out on CD too, after all these years of only being available on vinyl. Great songs too, like the title track, as well as "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" and her greatest hit, "The Homecoming Queen's Got A Gun."
ALL IN THE FAMILY?
You don't suppose former Rainbow/Black Sabbath singer Ronnie James Dio has any male relatives named Stu or Ray, do you?
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
Here we have Andy Jackson and hack actor Jeff Conaway from TV's "Taxi". The latter has been resembling Keith Richards more and more in recent years too. Uhh, drugs are bad, mmm-kay?
THE HOUSE IS A-ROCKIN'...
I neglected to mention on Thursday that it was my 12th anniversary at my humble abode, which I took possession of on January 3, 1996, thus my house is now officially 60% paid-for. It ain't the Taj Mahal or the Presley Estate, but it's a good little house all the same, and I love it to death.
SPEAKING OF STEVIE RAY REFERENCES...
SRV will be eligible for induction into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame next year. He fuckin' better be inducted, or I will personally drive to Cleveland to the Hall of Fame and piss on it. Really, really hard!
ROCK CHALK, JAYHAWKS
As a Missouri fan, even I have to give it up to Kansas for their 24-21 victory in the Orange Bowl the other night against Virginia Tech. I certainly was all ready to do the "Hokie Pokey" if Va. Tech won, but KU was up to the challenge of proving they are indeed worthy. It's all good for the Big 12 too, as we now have a changing of the guard after 40 some-odd years of Nebraska/Oklahoma/Colorado/Texas domination of the conference. Next season promises to be even more exciting than this year was...
I also must comment on the milquetoast performance by ZZ Top at halftime of the O-Bowl. One friggin' song ("Sharp Dressed Man") and that's all? And do we really need all the dancing girls scattered all around the field, all of whom weren't even born before "My Head's In Mississippi" came out? Frankly, I expect better from the Little 'Ol Band From Tejas!
While I'm at it, I want to share a quote from K.C. Star columnist Jeff Flanagan about the bowl game coverage on TV in general: "We don't need 100 interviews with past coaches, retired athletic directors, parents in the stands, or VIPs on the sideline...Some marketing genius at ESPN apparently decided a few years ago that football telecasts should be geared toward entertaining and/or luring the non-football fan. But guess what? The non-football fan isn't watching 99.9% of the bowls...Non-football fans watch other things." Amen to that! The gambit I'm sickest of is interviewing the parents in the stands and/or showing their reaction to every freakin' play their QB son makes—very irritating! NBC started this crap about 15 years ago or so when Bubby Brister was subbing at QB for the Steelers in a game at Denver, and Jesus Horatio Christ, these som-bitches flashed their cameras to catch his mom in the crowd after every fucking play to get her reaction to young Bubby's prowess on the playing field, and it got old real quick, folks!
SURE SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
One of our local Classic Rock stations is running their "Top 1,001 Songs of All-Time" countdown to start the year, and at position #666 is that Satanic classic, "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles! The number of the beast, you say? I dunno, but then again, you can't spell "Beatles" without "b-e-a-s-t"...
OUR COUSIN VINNIE?
For no particular reason, I got to thinking about former Kiss guitarist Vinnie Vincent today. A little trivia for you, here—didya know that our man Vincent Cusano was a staff writer on TV's "Happy Days"? I'd be willing to bet it was during the "Joanie Loves Chachi" era. Anyway, allow me to present to you one of the silliest music videos of all-time. Not a bad song, mind you, but this thing looked more like a parody of Rock excess than anything Weird Al ever did. I've said it before, I'll say it again—VV was a damn good songwriter, but he was a mediocre guitar player, at best, and he stepped on his own winkie (while wearing spiked golf shoes) more than a little bit...
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO "LENNY THE COOL"
I witnessed yet another bon mot from former Chiefs legend Len Dawson last night on Channel 9 here in K.C., where he is their sports anchor. He's notorious for butchering (non-football) player's names, and while reporting the news that the Royals had signed former big-name pitcher Hideo Nomo (pronounced hih-DAY-o) to a minor-league contract, our Lenny pronounced Nomo's first name as to rhyme with "video"! I loved Len Dawson to death as a player, and he's not bad as a color commentator on the Chiefs radio broadcasts either, but he is to TV sports anchoring what Vinnie Vincent was to music video-ing!
TELLIN' IT LIKE IT IS—VOLUME II
More song lyrics where I substitute the word "fuck" for the word "love", like it shoulda been in the first place...
"More Today Than Yesterday"—SPIRAL STAIRCASE (1970) "Every day's a new day, every time I fuck (love) ya..."
"Good Trouble"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1982) "We could stay awake and fuck (dance) all night--we can always sleep..."
"Lovin' You's A Dirty Job"—RATT (1990) "Fuckin' (Lovin') you is a dirty job..."
Hate to seem like I'm ripping off everything Randy Raley does on his blog, but in the tradition of his Old-Time Gas Station series, I give you a favorite memory of mine, Classic Old-School Fast-Food Joints!
First up is a place we rarely ate at when I was a kid—the mighty Burger Chef. Not that I didn't want to eat there, but there weren't that many B.C.'s around Kansas City, and it was like pulling teeth to get my old man to take us out to eat anyway. By the time I was old enough to drive in 1980, the Chef had left our area altogether.
Remember Burger Chef and Jeff? Evidently, there are a few folks out there who do, like the guy who put this website together. And this one. B.C.'s heyday was the '60s and early '70s, but they were gone by the Reagan Administration.
...then what's the other tenth? Inquiring mind wants to know!
TEMPLE OF DOOM!
Congrats to MU running back Tony Temple for his record-setting performance in the Cotton Bowl the other day—281 yards rushing and 4 TDs—as Mizzou got high on the Hawgs and whooped Arkansas 38-7. Everyone worried about MU having a letdown after being snubbed for the Orange Bowl bid that went to Kansas, but they showed a lot of class and played their asses off and I'm very proud of them for finishing 12-2—their best season ever. More good news for MU—they don't have to play Oklahoma next year, unless it's in the Big 12 title game. Given the way OU played against West "Virgina" last night in the Fiesta Bowl, I can't figure out for the life of me how they managed to beat Missouri twice this year. Watch out for the Tigers in '08, folks!
SPEAKING OF DOOM...
...that's what our buddy, the (very wrong) Rev. Pat Robertson, is predicting. Yesterday, he proclaimed (as he always does) that God Himself told him 2008 will be a year of worldwide violence, and we're going to have a recession followed by a stock-market crash by 2010. "The Lord was saying that there's going to be violence and chaos in the world," Pat claims. Uhhh, your bulletin's a little late, dumbass—there already is violence and chaos in the world! Yet another example of how this fucker and others of his ilk prey upon simple-minded people's fears. Sleaze-bags like Robertson are a huge reason why I'm a non-believer...
PUCKIN'-A!
Was so pleased to see the NHL's outdoor hockey game in Buffalo become a surprise hit on New Year's Day, as some folks actually did tune in the broadcast on NBC. Mother Nature added a little spice to the game with the snow and sleet, but for the folks in the stands, the conditions were no worse than those of a typical Buffalo Bills game this time of year, so it probably didn't even faze them. Besides, the sight of 71,000 tuques in one place is quite heartwarming! It's also nice to see something positive happen for the NHL for a change, and now there's talk of making this an annual event in different venues, possibly even in some non-NHL cities. May I suggest Kansas City? Might as well—Arrowhead Stadium never gets used in January anymore, except by the pigeons who roost there.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE...
Okay, sitting outdoors for three hours watching a sporting event all bundled up in Winter time is one thing, but someone please explain this Polar Bear Club network to me. That's the folks in numerous localities around the country who every New Year's Day go running into icy water intentionally wearing only bathing suits! What exactly does this prove, besides that these yokels are first-class candidates for the looney bin? Shit, I was freezing my ass off the other morning just walking out to grab my newspaper—and I was fully-clothed with a coat on! These folks are certifiable...
SHE'S A BEAUTY?!?
University of Arizona law student and former beauty-queen Kumari Fulbright, accused of forcibly holding and torturing a former boyfriend by biting him on the arm and sticking a butcher knife in his ear, has been freed on bond.
You've no doubt already seen this pic making the rounds on the 'net and in the papers. Okay, I know she's an easy target here, but I just can't resist. Who on earth did this former beauty queen—former being the key word here, I'm assuming—compete against? The cretins at the Cantina Bar in Star Wars? Joan Rivers and her ugly-ass daughter? Joe Torre? Steven Tyler? Only a matter of time before we see her face on iodine bottles the world over...
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?
Was extremely disappointed to hear Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Pride And Joy" on a car commercial numerous times during the bowl games. I can't possibly fathom any scenario where SRV would have sold his music to any TV ad if he were still with us—shame (x3) on his estate for being sellouts!
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?—PART DEUX
I saw by the paper today that they're now making a live-action "Speed Racer" movie. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Chim-Chim and Sprytle (sp?) are gonna be pissed...
AFTER FURTHER REVUE...
Anybody remember the old kids' show "The New Zoo Revue"? I rented it on DVD not so long ago, mostly to re-live childhood memories of lusting after the lovely Emmy Jo in her short skirts and go-go boots—she was about the fourth female I remember being smitten by on TV after Yvonne Craig as Batgirl, Marcia Brady and the girl from "The Bugaloos". Anyway, a couple things struck me about the show as I viewed it with adult eyes. First off, the frog's voice sounded uncomfortably close to that of Bart Simpson, whom he pre-dated by a good 15 years at least. Secondly, how is it the frog lived in a hole in the ground and the owl lived in a tree, but the hippo had her own fully-furnished apartment just like the humans? Oh yes, I forgot—this was the '70s!!
LOOK MA—NO LEGS!
Even Lt. Dan might be impressed with this chick!
...better than Elton ever did, I might add!
NEWTS AND NOTES ON THE NEW YEAR:
Last song of '07: "Had Enough"--The Who. Long live The Ox!
First song of '08: "Delirious"--Z.Z. Top. Seemed appropriate to set the tone for the new year...
Second song of '08: "New Year's Day"—U2. Terribly predictable, true, but damned if this isn't a killer tune! I'm only sorry I didn't realize that when it came out 25 years ago. Hey, I fully admit it—I fucked up! Wasn't the first time, won't be the last...
First question of '08: Is there any appreciable difference at all between Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest? To me, these fuckers are interchangeable—and totally disposable, as well...
Second question of '08: Why hasn't Dick Clark's health improved at all? Sad to say this, but he sounds just as bad as he did a year ago at this time—struggling for breath as he speaks—and it's heartbreaking to see the World's Oldest Teenager reduced to this. Thankfully, at least he didn't inadvertently grab his wife's right boob on camera this year when he kissed her at Midnight like he did last year...
First (coherent) thought of '08: I truly hope all is (and remains) well in the lives of my dearest friends (Stacy, Phil & Chris, Tom, John, Minta, Margaret, Rose, Fork, Alex, Tracy, Nadine and Andrea), as well as my fellow travelers in the good ol' blogosphere (Randy, Ken, Michelle, the good Doc. Sardonicus, Kilroy) and all the little people (Martians, midgets, et al) I've failed to mention by name here. Y'all somehow manage to keep the proverbial acorn spinning on this end, and I thank you profusely, one and all!...
Second (coherent) thought of '08: Why is Dubya still in charge?
At the risk of sounding like Barry Manilow, it's just another New Year's Eve here at the ol' homestead and I'm spending NYE alone for the third straight year, which speaks volumes on the current state of my flatlining social life. I did have an offer to hang with a couple married friends of mine at one of the casinos tonight, but I would have just been a third-wheel (which I'm getting way too old for), so I passed. All my other friends are married with kids and/or have no desire to get out on NYE, so I'll just spend it with Dick Clark and Co. once again and drink myself blind to the sound of ol' T. Rex (or perhaps some Johnny Cash).
Then again, going out on NYE is rather overrated anyway. Unless you're willing to spend a shitload of money, decent options are pretty limited. Even the crappiest sports bars or biker bars are going to charge you ten bucks just to get in the door and provide you with some cheapo party favors, lame appetizers and overpriced watered-down drinks. If I had a girlfriend, or if I could round up a group of friends to get together with and ring in the new year, I might be more inclined to splurge and go out. Even better would be if I knew someone who was throwing their own NYE party at home, but such is not the case. Just as well—this way I don't have to dodge the drunks driving home since I'm already there. Come to think of it, one of the better NYE's I ever had was the time I spent it playing house with an ex-girlfriend curled up on her sofa watching Dick Clark (Kiss was on that year, as I remember). I guess I'll continue my tongue-in-cheek tradition that I started in 1999-2000 during the whole Y2K fuss by making The Who's "Had Enough" the last song of the year I hear right before Midnight because it ends with the line "here comes the end of the world..." Hey, one of these years, it might just be right!
Before I sign off for 2007, I want to wish the Mizzou Tigers best of luck against Ar-Kansas tomorrow in the Cotton Bowl. I also want to send warm greetings to the good people of Buffalo who will attend the outdoor hockey game tomorrow in the Bills' stadium between the Sabres and Pittsburgh—let's hope y'all return home safely without freezing off any of your extremities!
And to the rest of us—with the exception of those who made my 2007 Asshole(s) Of The Year list, as well as the New York Yankees—I raise a toast and hope we all have a boffo 2008. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
My classic Rock brethren friends will know what I'm referring to, there...
OH, IS THERE A FOOTBALL GAME ON TONIGHT?
Much has been made about the NFL's decision to simulcast tonight's Patriots-Giants game on CBS and NBC, in addition to their own NFL Network, which is originating the broadcast. The league claims it's so the fans can witness potential history with the Pats trying to go undefeated and all, but what they won't admit is their little cable channel is a colossal flop. Yours truly is as big an NFL fan as they come, but I have no desire to pay extra for NFL Network, and I think most other football fans feel the same way, but true-to-form, the league is using their little simulcast as a three-hour infomercial for their cable channel.
During the first year of its existence, I got NFL Network as part of my existing digital cable package and I was largely unimpressed with it. Their typical programming day was a total bore—it was the same three-hour block of shows run continuously. One show dissected every aspect of the game ad nauseam (á la ESPN), and there was another show following the Jacksonville Jaguars through training camp (zzzzz!), blah blah blah. I also fully expected the league to take advantage of their virtual treasure trove of old school NFL Films highlights from the past 40 years to fill out at least part of their daily TV schedule, and sadly, they never did. Now, Compost—I mean, Comcast—wants me to pay extra to get NFL Network, and they can shove it. NFL Network's game broadcasts (which began last season) are pretty underwhelming anyway. There have been numerous glitches and FUBARs along the way, not to mention the uninspired choice of has-been Bryant Gumball as play-by-play man and Cris "Super Shill" Collinsworth as color analyst, plus Deion "Pimps R Us" Sanders on their pre-game show. Sorry, gents, I'll pass...
MORE THINGS I CAN DO WITHOUT...
These new FreeCreditReport.com TV ads featuring these bozos singing along like Weird Al Yankovic about being in the poor house because they didn't utilize this important service. These ads replaced the equally-annoying ones featuring that "I'm thinking of a number..." Pat Sajak look-alike weasel. Keep your smelling salts handy, now—I have a little revelation about FreeCreditReport.com: It's not really free! Just thought I'd share that with you...
A KISS IS STILL A KISS
I got Volume III of the Kissology DVD anthology for Christmas, and it's totally worth it for the 4th disc alone, which features one of the earliest Kiss shows ever, December 22, 1973—nearly two months before the first album came out—at a place called the Coventry in New Yawk City. It's a single-camera video, but the quality is surprisingly good (all things considered) and it's the Kiss equivalent of the Zapruder film of JFK's assassination—almost literally where it all began...
PROOFREADING, THE LOST ART...
I ate Virgina once—tasted like chicken! Almost heaven, West Virgina...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #67
"Stranger”--JEFFERSON STARSHIP (1981) “What is veiled now soon will be shown.” This line had me bamboozled for years until I finally looked it up. I thought it was something like “What is there? My suit will be shown...”
THE DE-EVOLUTION OF RADAR O'REILLY
I mentioned in my last post how the general quality of "M*A*S*H" declined after Radar went home, and it occurred to me how company clerk Walter Eugene O'Reilly (no relation to Bill, one would hope) somehow managed to age in reverse on the show over the years. When the show debuted, Radar was actually rather savvy and sassy, and even a little cocky at times. Witness the "Chief Surgeon Who?" episode when he's camped out at Henry's desk drinking his brandy and smoking his cigars when the General (played by the future Boss Hogg Sorrell Booke) comes storming in and asks him what he's doing, "D-O-I-N-G, doing! What're you doing?", to which young master O'Reilly replies, "Listening do you spell 'doing', sir!" Then flash ahead a few years to an episode where Col. Potter offers Radar one of his cigars, and Radar reluctantly asks, "Won't it stunt my growth?" then he proceeds to practically choke on it! Over the years, Radar became more and more naïve and child-like as time went on, but then all of sudden in his last episode, "Goodbye, Radar" he turned into this surly bastard, for some bizarre reason. Perhaps it had something to do with actor Gary Burghoff, who was 35 by that time, playing a kid who was what, 19 or 20? His receding hairline was probably a good hint that it was time to return to Ottumwa...
First of an occasional series where I salute those truly crappy episodes that inevitably come from good TV series...
Any show that runs 11 years is bound to have its fair share of clunker episodes, and “Frasier” is no exception, especially near the end of the show’s run when many eps involved Daphne‘s insufferable mother, Gertrude, but there are two that really stick out for me. One of them seems to be universally hated by “Frasier” fans, “Enemy At The Gate” from 2001, where Frasier makes a big fuss about an exorbitant parking garage fee which he refuses to pay and inconsiderately causes a major back-up of cars behind him and Niles at the gate. Confounded, man—you’re a bloody psychologist and can afford to pay the friggin' $8.50 (or whatever it was)! The other one I hate is called “Four For The Seesaw” from 1997 where Niles and Frasier impulsively snag a weekend getaway at a mountain cabin with two babes (because life is just THAT kind!) and suddenly morph into Ralph and Potsie once they get there. Those are the two “Frasier” episodes I refuse to sit through in reruns.
I loved “Friends” to death, but they had several episodes (again, toward the end of the show's run) that basically sucked, and my all-time “Friends” cringe moment was the episode where Ross had to hide the fact that he had the audacity to shop at Pottery Barn because Phoebe absolutely hated Pottery Barn! First off, this was such a blatantly transparent commercial for Pottery Barn, and secondly, what exactly would Ross have to fear if he did indeed experience the wrath of the omnipotent Pheebs—a whack on his pee-pee? Oh, horror of horrors! Another one I hated was the time Ross enlisted Joey and Rachel to help him move his new sofa up the steps and he kept uttering the word “PIVOT!” over and over at every turn (pun intended). And then there was the shameless self-promotion when Robin Williams and Billy Crystal guested briefly in the coffee house in one ep the very same week they just happened to have some movie coming out (which tanked, big-time).
January 29, 1971 is a date that will live in TV infamy as “The Partridge Family” bus cruised into Motown and they wound up hanging out in the Hood with guest stars Richard Pryor and Louis Gossett, Jr. in the episode called “Soul Club”. Seems our heroes in crushed velvet somehow got booked at a club called “The Fire House” in the ghetto after somehow being confused with the Temptations (they were practically interchangable, after all—nice going, Reuben!) and the club (run by Pryor’s and Gossett’s characters) was about to go belly-up. However, Keith (aka, "Soul Brother #2,908) saves the day by coming up with a new song ("kind of an Afro thing") and the P-Family delights the Soul Train crowd with “Bandala” and a grand time was had by all. Talk about fucking science fiction…
“Sanford And Son” is my all-time favorite sitcom ever “on earth in this hemisphere,” as Fred would say, but the one episode that absolutely makes me cringe is the next-to-next-to-last one ever from 1977 called “Funny, You Don’t Look It”. Did they really expect us to believe that Fred G. Sanford would ever actually think for a nanosecond that he was Jewish?!? Even worse, by this time Redd Foxx was basically phoning in his performances (as was Demond Wilson as Lamont), so the acting in this episode was more wooden than Pinocchio. Dare I say it? You big dummies!
It’s no secret that “M*A*S*H” overstayed its welcome, and many of the episodes—especially after Radar left—were subpar, like when Klinger runs a camp newspaper, or when the 4,077th staff tries to redo the O.R. floor in cement, et al. The infamous “Dreams” episode that began the 1979 season is often cited by fans as another clunker, but it didn’t annoy me half as much as “War Co-Respondent” with guest star Susan St. James as “THE” Aggie O’Shea. It was downright sickening the way the whole camp fawned over this gal, especially Hawkeye, who seemed to think he was entitled to doink every woman under the age of 35 who happened into camp, not to mention the contrived romance between Aggie and the ever-faithful B.J. Hunnicutt. They should’ve paired her up with Klinger—it’d have been a helluva lot funnier…
And then there’s our all-time favorite shark-jumpers, the gang at Arnold’s on “Happy Days”. I like to divide up HD into two distinct eras: Pre-Chachi and During-Chachi. From the Pre-Chachi era, I give you the rather infamous “Fonzie’s New Friend” episode where “Happy Days” suddenly became socially-conscious by inserting a token Black character, Sticks Downey. Oh yeah, like a brotha is going to play the drums for Richie, Ralph and Potsie! Okay, tell me that one again about the oceanfront property in Winnipeg, will ya?
From the During-Chachi era, I give you “Potsie Quits School” from 1979 where young Warren Webber struggles with his anatomy studies in college and Da Fonz encourages him to assimilate his studies musically, so come final exam time, good ol’ Pots hums and sings his way through the test, and next thing you know, the entire classroom erupts into a college musical singing along to “Pump Your Blood” while Fonzie proclaims “My boy don’t cheat”, the professor acts all befuddled and Potsie prances around like a faggot. It’s a sure death knell to any sitcom when it resorts to singing and dancing on every other episode. As Robin Williams said in Dead Poet’s Society: “Excrement!”
I’ve often said it takes a real man to admit he likes ABBA, so I’ll be a real he-man and confess my love for the world’s greatest pop group. Hey, I have company in the ABBA Admiration Society with the likes of Bono and The Edge from Youse2, Tina Turner, R.E.M.’s Michael Stipe, Alice Cooper and even Oasis hard-ass Noel Gallagher. Dead loser Nirvana leader Kurt Cobain even once listed them as an influence—funny, it never showed in his music, but I digress...
I’ll spare you the minutiae of the history of ABBA, which is well-documented, and focus on why I enjoy their music—because it’s pretty bloody good! As beloved as ABBA are, you’d think there would be more artists who try to emulate them and their style, but given the dearth of decent pop music over the last 15-20 years, that is sadly not the case. Benny and Björn were/are master craftsmen at creating killer pop songs with catchy hooks and great melodies, and Agnetha and Frida are two of the finest female vocalists ever to grace this planet. True, some of ABBA’s stuff was on the schlocky side, and toward the end of their career they leaned a bit too hard on danceable fluff'n'stuff, but overall they produced some of the dandiest pop music of all-time.
I first got into ABBA sometime in ’75 when “S.O.S.” came out, mostly because I mistakenly thought it was my girl Olivia Newton-John singing it at first. Loved the song anyway, even when I found out it was the group that did “Waterloo” the year before. The summer of ‘76 was when I first embraced Kiss, but all the while I found myself also being drawn to their polar musical opposite, that little ol’ group from Sweden. The women-folk in the group certainly caught my eye, especially my (other) girl Frida, as I’m a sucker for redheads. People often tend to write off ABBA’s music as lightweight happy ‘70s music (“When I Kissed The Teacher“, "Honey, Honey" for instance), but at closer look, they also excelled at break-up songs—"Knowing Me, Knowing You", "The Winner Takes It All", “S.O.S.” and “One Of Us” being prime examples.
It took them a while, but ABBA finally scored a #1 hit in America with the quintessential pop record, 1977‘s “Dancing Queen”, but after that, they began to sound a bit too mechanical and things suddenly became minimalist with ABBA-The Album, ABBA-The Movie, etc., therefore it’s their earlier stuff that I prefer the most. In the 25 years since the group ceased recording and performing, there has been an unprecedented wave of ABBA nostalgia, with the hit musical Mamma Mia!, tribute groups like Björn Again, and movies featuring ABBA music like Muriel’s Wedding and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, as well as fans clamoring for a reunion concert/tour. Regarding the latter, I think a reunion—even just a one-off concert—would be a big downer, and I’d rather remember ABBA the way they were.
For the record, I pronounce the group’s name ‘AH-ba‘, not ‘aaaa-ba’, or even the Aussie variation ‘Ib-ba’! You say ‘to-MAY-to’, I say ‘to-MAH-to’…
My all-time ABBA Top 20:
20) “Honey, Honey” (1974) Cute little pop song that features one of the silliest lines in music history, “You’re a doggone beast!” Then again, it wasn't nearly as silly as what they wore in this video...
19) “Ring, Ring” (1973) You don’t suppose this is Ernestine the phone operator’s favorite song, do ya? “One ringy-dingy…two ringy-dingies…”
18) “Angeleyes” (1979) Second-best track off the overly disco-y Voulez-Vous LP.
17) “Take A Chance On Me” (1978) ABBA-The Album was a tad disappointing to me following Arrival, but this was easily the best single from it. Seeing Frida in thigh-high boots in the video was also quite a draw to my 14-year-old eyes!
16) “Does Your Mother Know?” (1979) Björn—who was 34 at the time—sounds rather Shaun Cassidy-ish here singing lines like “but I can’t take a chance on a chick like you,” but it’s a cool song anyway.
15) “Hole In Your Soul” (1978) Borderline Rock ‘N’ Roll here and very guitar-driven, a rarity on an ABBA record.
14) “I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do” (1975) Song that holds the world record for most often repeated words in a song title, and a natural for any wedding reception.
13) “When I Kissed The Teacher” (1977) Lead-off track from the Arrival album. Cornball as all get-out, but I like it anyway.
12) “Bang-A-Boomerang” (1975) The title has a hokey Archies quality to it, the chorus is hokey and so is the video, but the song still works!
11) “Why Did It Have To Be Me?” (1977) This song was often a concert highlight with Björn trading lead vocals with Frida while Agnetha was off-stage smoking a joint. Just kidding!
10) “Intermezzo #1” (1975) A rare instrumental from ABBA, this one gave brother Benny a chance to flex his muscles and show off his very underrated prowess on the keys. That’s pronounced “Inter-MET-zo” for youse non-Italians out there…
9) “Mamma Mia” (1975) Funny, they don’t look Italian…
8) “The Winner Takes It All” (1980) ABBA’s second-greatest break-up song ever, and Agnetha’s finest hour on record.
7) “Waterloo” (1974) Song that put ABBA on the map/globe and made Sweden famous for something other than Volvos and meatballs. It’s bouncy, catchy and pure ‘70s, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! Ignore the white "Soul Train" dancers at the beginning of this video...
6) “On And On And On” (1980) This one has really grown on me over the years, even though it’s from ABBA’s later era when their records tended to be a bit cold and over-produced.
5) “Knowing Me, Knowing You” (1977) One of the best break-up songs ever, this was Frida’s finest hour on record. The twin lead guitars on the outro were a nice touch too. Looks like Agnetha OD'd on the blue eye shadow in the video!
4) “So Long” (1975) This catchy little number went beyond break-up song to fuck-you song! ABBA used to close their concerts with this one, naturally (based on the title, not the fuck-you part, I presume).
3) “I’ve Been Waiting For You” (1975) Highly underrated track which features great vocals from Agnetha as she sings of devotion to someone without losing her cool.
2) “Dancing Queen” (1977) Arguably ABBA’s most famous song, and one of their very best. Pop singles don’t get much more perfect than this one.
1) “S.O.S.” (1975) Love the Wall of Sound effect during the choruses here. This song was the first ABBA song that really stuck with me, and remains my favorite, too.
In what may be the ultimate "What the hell were you thinking?" brain fart of all-time, Golfweek magazine published this cover in the wake of the Golf Channel announcer chick's recent boneheaded utterance about lynching Tiger Woods in an alley. The Golf Channel gal's gaffe was inadvertent, but this was premeditated—how dumb do ya gotta be to publish something like this, even if it's all in fun? The magazine wisely fired their editor who was behind it all...
