GET WELL SOON, EDDIE
And I mean that sincerely—Eddie Van Halen announced this week that he is entering rehab and I commend him for it. This man is far too gifted and talented to be wallowing in his own feces (figuratively) and becoming a punch line just like Anna Nicole Smith. Don't know whether he will attend the R'N'R Hall of Fame ceremony Monday night or not (word has it that Michael Anthony may now be the only member of VH to attend), but I truly hope EVH is able to exorcise his inner demons and become a true guitar god again. Let's hope Edward's rehab goes a bit more swimmingly than Britney's...
Incidentally, VH-1 is airing the RNRHOF thing live as it happens this year for a change. May well be more drama here than the Oscars...
WELL, IS HE OR ISN'T HE?
You may or may not have heard about hockey player Chris Simon of the New York Islanders being suspended indefinitely for whacking a guy in the face with his stick on Thursday night. That term "suspended indefinitely" always bugs me. I know it means for an undetermined length of time, but it sounds so wishy-washy to me. Shouldn't be anything "indefinite" about it—the miscreant is most definitely suspended!
LET'S DON'T AND SAY WE DID...
VH-1, in their seemingly never-ending quest to prolong the careers of has-beens/never-weres with their so-called "Celebreality" series, has managed to unearth the great douche-bag himself, Andrew "Dice" Clay for their latest "reality" borefest. What, Bowser from Sha Na Na was unavailable? Vanilla Ice wanted too much money? William Hung not so well-hung?
Good golly, Miss Molly—must we dust off this no-talent jagoff and put him back on TV again? I can honestly say that Clay's vulgarity never offended me at all—fuck, I've been a fan of the likes of R. Pryor, R. Foxx, G. Carlin , E. Murphy and the band W.A.S.P. for years! My fundamental problem with A.D.C. is he just ain't funny! What "Dice" never seems to understand is that dirty does NOT necessarily equal funny. About the only noteworthy thing Clay ever did in my book was coining the phrase "cute bald chick".
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #14
"You’re The One That I Want"—JOHN TRAVOLTA/OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (1978) "I got chills—they’re multiplyin’." Or better known to my 8th grade ears as "I got shoes, they’re good for flyin’." I told ya Travolta couldn't sing...
SINCE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT OF BOSTON, ANYWAY...
This may be poor timing on my part in the wake of Brad Delp's passing yesterday, but I'm reminded of a funny parody of Boston's "Rock 'N' Roll Band" by an Alternative band back in the early '90s. I think they were called the Rug Burns (or something like that), and I heard them one night on KLZR out of Lawrence, KS. Anyway, the song started off "We were just another band out of Duck-Snort..." and later they skewered the line about the man who "came to the stage one night" with "He drove a big cigar and smoked a Cadillac car..."
Saturday, March 10, 2007
What Might Have Been... Vol. II
Some more interesting tidbits about movie and TV peeples...
—John Belushi was originally slated to be in Ghostbusters before his untimely death. I’ve heard conflicting reports that he would have either played Venkman (Bill Murray’s character) or Ernie Hudson’s character.
—Speaking of Belushi, Animal House was initially slated to be filmed on the campus of the University of Missouri in Columbia, but school officials took one look at the script and got the heebie-jeebies, thus the plan was scuttled, so Otter, D-Day, Flounder, Bluto and the boys from Delta House wound up filming at the University of Oregon.
—Actor Edward James Olmos lost out to Christopher Lloyd as Kruge the Klingon in Star Trek III-The Search For Spock because Lloyd was taller. D’oh!
—Seven years before becoming Dr. Noah Drake on "General Hospital", Rick Springfield nearly replaced David Cassidy on "The Partridge Family" when Cassidy handed in his notice after the show’s fourth season. Since no one seemed to notice when they replaced the original brown-haired Chris (Jeremy Gelbwaks) with a blond Chris (Brian Forster), the producers thought it might work with Rick taking David's place too. However, cooler heads prevailed, and they wisely decided to call it a day since the series had run its course anyway, plus it was high time for Danny Bonaduce to get started on becoming the pathetic has-been he is today.
—Actor/producer Jeremy Lloyd was a regular on "Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In" in the early ‘70s, and later co-created the BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?", and he can be very thankful for a bout of exhaustion that probably saved his life. He was invited to spend the evening with Sharon Tate and friends on August 9, 1969 when the Manson family came a-calling. Fortunately for Lloyd, he was so tired that he took a nap that afternoon which lasted well into the evening and he wound up not going out that night at all.
—Actress Moira Kelly was originally cast as Kit Keller in A League Of Their Own, but an ankle injury she sustained during the filming of her breakthrough movie The Cutting Edge (where she played a figure skater) put the kibosh on that. Subsequently, Lori Petty got the role of Kit, for which she wore a wig because her real hair was much shorter than Kit's.
—Sharon Stone was passed over for lead roles in several big-time movies, including Fatal Attraction (Glenn Close), Batman (Kim Basinger) and Dick Tracy (Madonna).
—John Belushi was originally slated to be in Ghostbusters before his untimely death. I’ve heard conflicting reports that he would have either played Venkman (Bill Murray’s character) or Ernie Hudson’s character.
—Speaking of Belushi, Animal House was initially slated to be filmed on the campus of the University of Missouri in Columbia, but school officials took one look at the script and got the heebie-jeebies, thus the plan was scuttled, so Otter, D-Day, Flounder, Bluto and the boys from Delta House wound up filming at the University of Oregon.
—Actor Edward James Olmos lost out to Christopher Lloyd as Kruge the Klingon in Star Trek III-The Search For Spock because Lloyd was taller. D’oh!
—Seven years before becoming Dr. Noah Drake on "General Hospital", Rick Springfield nearly replaced David Cassidy on "The Partridge Family" when Cassidy handed in his notice after the show’s fourth season. Since no one seemed to notice when they replaced the original brown-haired Chris (Jeremy Gelbwaks) with a blond Chris (Brian Forster), the producers thought it might work with Rick taking David's place too. However, cooler heads prevailed, and they wisely decided to call it a day since the series had run its course anyway, plus it was high time for Danny Bonaduce to get started on becoming the pathetic has-been he is today.
—Actor/producer Jeremy Lloyd was a regular on "Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In" in the early ‘70s, and later co-created the BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?", and he can be very thankful for a bout of exhaustion that probably saved his life. He was invited to spend the evening with Sharon Tate and friends on August 9, 1969 when the Manson family came a-calling. Fortunately for Lloyd, he was so tired that he took a nap that afternoon which lasted well into the evening and he wound up not going out that night at all.
—Actress Moira Kelly was originally cast as Kit Keller in A League Of Their Own, but an ankle injury she sustained during the filming of her breakthrough movie The Cutting Edge (where she played a figure skater) put the kibosh on that. Subsequently, Lori Petty got the role of Kit, for which she wore a wig because her real hair was much shorter than Kit's.
—Sharon Stone was passed over for lead roles in several big-time movies, including Fatal Attraction (Glenn Close), Batman (Kim Basinger) and Dick Tracy (Madonna).
Brad Delp--1951-2007
Sad and shocking news in the Rock 'N' Roll world as Boston lead singer Brad Delp was found dead yesterday at age 55 at his home in New Hampshire. No word yet on the cause of death, but foul play is not suspected. (That's him on the left in the photo.)Strange irony that Brad's death comes just a few days after my little Boston rant—in which I meant NO disrespect to Brad or the band itself, just the disproportionate amount of airplay they get on the radio. I loved them when they first came on the scene—hell, I played that first Boston album nearly as often as Kiss' Destroyer and Frampton Comes Alive in '76. "Smokin'" and "Peace of Mind" are my two favorites of theirs, and "Something About You" is their most underrated track. And like I've said before, that first album holds the rare distinction of having EVERY track from it played on a regular basis on Classic Rock stations (Led Zeppelin IV being the only other one I can think of). You can't sneeze at that...
If I DO have a criticism of Boston, it's that they had the potential to be one of the biggest American bands of all-time—right up there with Aerosmith and Van Halen—but sadly, they got all tangled up in legal hassles and perfectionism and egos (mostly attributable to guitarist/leader Tom Scholz, I think), and they only made what, four albums in 20 years? I'd like to think that band had a lot more to say, and Brad Delp certainly had one of the finest voices you'll ever hear in ANY genre of music.
Maudlin as it might sound, I feel like I've lost a chunk of my past here. Thus, I am voluntarily cranking up the Boston tonight on my CD player...
Rest In Peace, Brad
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Hmmm....
It's entirely possible Ann Coulter does indeed have a nut sack, after all!Not bad, for someone who looks like a third-rate Aerosmith groupie...
Dude looks a lady, indeed!
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
That and this
COMMON SENSE WOULD TELL ME NOT TO TRY AND CONTINUE...
I should probably have heeded my man Pete Townshend's words, but I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess, as I currently view Disc 2 of the Captain & Tennille DVD thing, and it's every bit as putrid as Disc 1 so far. Opening number on the first episode features C&T doing the Three Dog Night classic "Celebrate" with El Capitan wearing this bizarre orange tuxedo/ostrich feather boa get-up that even Elton John wouldn't have touched, with Tennille wearing an equally gaudy pink gown get-up, while orange-clad dancers circled the stage. What was this show's obsession with the color orange?
I rented Disc 2 mainly to see Heart's appearance, which apparently is on bloody Disc 3—oy! Oh well, it's still kind of a hoot to see The Sylvers doing "Hot Line"—man, those were some big-ass afros! Chaka Khan isn't too hard on the eyes on here, either. "M*A*S*H" must not have been paying Loretta Swit worth a damn back then, because she made two different appearances on "C&T", and would you believe, even Muhammad Ali was on this show? Right now as I type, Dick Clark is on there playing Clark Kent. It's all like this surreal dream...
BOOK ‘EM, DANNO!
Regarding Scooter Libby’s conviction yesterday—yer outta there! This is just the first domino to fall, too. And that's all I have to say about that. For now...
NANCY GRACE IN ACTING ROLE…
…on "Law & Order", playing a TV personality—wow, what a stretch! I guess that's the best she can do—it would be too big of a stretch for that helmet-haired bee-yatch to portray a human being...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #13
"Isn't She Lovely?"--STEVIE WONDER (1976) "Isn't she lovely, made from love?" I always thought Stevie's daughter was named "Mabel Love", and that's why he sang "Isn't she lovely, Mabel Love." Oh dopey me...
GOOD ONE FROM LENO
Caught Jay Leno’s "headlines" bit last night, and he had a funny one involving a sale ad for Mrs. Paul’s "Dreaded" Fish Sticks! Sometimes there IS truth in advertising…
WORLD'S DUMBEST SONG LYRICS OF ALL-TIME, VOL. IV
Here's a couple more that came to mind...
"Elenore"—THE TURTLES (1968) "You’re my pride and joy, et cetera…" The only Rock ‘N’ Roll song I know of that has "etc." in the lyrics! Gee, you must be really enamored with this chick with talk like that! Why not throw in a couple blah, blah, blahs and a yadda, yadda, yadda or two? Ad infinitum…
"Smoke On The Water"--DEEP PURPLE (1972) "Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground." Stupid is as stupid does—"Stupid" is an adjective, not a noun! I can't believe Ian Gillan couldn't have come up with a stronger word here—dumbass, bonehead, idiot, weirdo, drunkard, jackass, nutbag, firebug—anything but stupid!
I should probably have heeded my man Pete Townshend's words, but I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess, as I currently view Disc 2 of the Captain & Tennille DVD thing, and it's every bit as putrid as Disc 1 so far. Opening number on the first episode features C&T doing the Three Dog Night classic "Celebrate" with El Capitan wearing this bizarre orange tuxedo/ostrich feather boa get-up that even Elton John wouldn't have touched, with Tennille wearing an equally gaudy pink gown get-up, while orange-clad dancers circled the stage. What was this show's obsession with the color orange?
I rented Disc 2 mainly to see Heart's appearance, which apparently is on bloody Disc 3—oy! Oh well, it's still kind of a hoot to see The Sylvers doing "Hot Line"—man, those were some big-ass afros! Chaka Khan isn't too hard on the eyes on here, either. "M*A*S*H" must not have been paying Loretta Swit worth a damn back then, because she made two different appearances on "C&T", and would you believe, even Muhammad Ali was on this show? Right now as I type, Dick Clark is on there playing Clark Kent. It's all like this surreal dream...
BOOK ‘EM, DANNO!
Regarding Scooter Libby’s conviction yesterday—yer outta there! This is just the first domino to fall, too. And that's all I have to say about that. For now...
NANCY GRACE IN ACTING ROLE…
…on "Law & Order", playing a TV personality—wow, what a stretch! I guess that's the best she can do—it would be too big of a stretch for that helmet-haired bee-yatch to portray a human being...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #13
"Isn't She Lovely?"--STEVIE WONDER (1976) "Isn't she lovely, made from love?" I always thought Stevie's daughter was named "Mabel Love", and that's why he sang "Isn't she lovely, Mabel Love." Oh dopey me...
GOOD ONE FROM LENO
Caught Jay Leno’s "headlines" bit last night, and he had a funny one involving a sale ad for Mrs. Paul’s "Dreaded" Fish Sticks! Sometimes there IS truth in advertising…
WORLD'S DUMBEST SONG LYRICS OF ALL-TIME, VOL. IV
Here's a couple more that came to mind...
"Elenore"—THE TURTLES (1968) "You’re my pride and joy, et cetera…" The only Rock ‘N’ Roll song I know of that has "etc." in the lyrics! Gee, you must be really enamored with this chick with talk like that! Why not throw in a couple blah, blah, blahs and a yadda, yadda, yadda or two? Ad infinitum…
"Smoke On The Water"--DEEP PURPLE (1972) "Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground." Stupid is as stupid does—"Stupid" is an adjective, not a noun! I can't believe Ian Gillan couldn't have come up with a stronger word here—dumbass, bonehead, idiot, weirdo, drunkard, jackass, nutbag, firebug—anything but stupid!
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
W.W.A.D.?
A few samples of the humor of Ace Frehley:
"Why can an Irishman only fart 239 times?...cause one more would be too farty."
"I'm gonna name three people who were shot in the head: Abe Lincoln, J.F.K. and the guy who sat in front of Pee-Wee Herman in the porno theater!”
"What did Madonna's left leg say to her right leg? Nothing--they never met."
"I'm gonna have to wear rubber gloves when Anthrax takes the stage!" (November, 2001)
ACK! ACK!
News and (my) Views
PUT A SOCK IN IT...
Moronic big-mouth conservative pundit Ann Coulter made headlines again this week by calling Democratic Pres. candidate John Edwards a "faggot", then back-pedaled and claimed it was all a joke. Riiiiight. I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other about Edwards yet—this isn’t about him—but for someone who claims to be a conservative and/or a Christian, Ann Coulter sure doesn’t act like one! She doesn't look like one, either—she dresses like a slut most of the time. I’ve figured out why she does this shit, though—it’s a desperate way to keep her name in the papers because she has nothing else relevant or profound to say, all the while chanting the conservative mantra of "We’re right/we’re always right/we’ll always be right." I won’t waste my time or yours rehashing Coulter’s other outlandish ramblings, but suffice it to say that most of the crap this woman says and writes amounts to little more than runny post-KFC stool. Still, I think she should have been strung up by her nut sack (if she had one) for her remarks about the 9/11 widows—hell, even douche-bag O’Reilly tried to distance himself from that burst of bilge water—and if I were a conservative, I sure wouldn’t want this wing-nut on my team.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #12
"Good Times Roll"—THE CARS (1978) "If the illusion is real, let them give you a ride…" Or as I once interpreted it: "If Ted Nugent is real…" Well, he used to be, anyway...
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN…SORT OF
I neglected to update last week’s K.C. mayoral election, where our hero Stan Glazer, aka "Mr. Observation Wheel", finished 10th out of 12 candidates. I repeat: 10th out of 12! And one of two people he finished ahead of is facing criminal charges for her alleged misdoings, too! Stan "Not-The-Man" garnered a whopping 1.7% of the vote—that’s only 1.7% more than I got, and I didn’t even run...
By the way, a boo/hiss to the people of Kansas City: I find it pathetic in a city of half a million people that less than 58,000 even bothered to vote in a mayoral election. That’s barely 10% of the population deciding who’s running the show. And don’t blame the weather for the poor turnout at the polls, either—it was a decent day out last Tuesday. I bet if they gave out free BBQ ribs at the polls, people woulda showed up to vote—if you ever want to get Kansas Citians to collectively do something, have a barbecue! Hell, just ACT like you’re having a barbecue, and they’ll come-a runnin’ like Forrest Gump…
NUMBER 31
You can add The Exorcist to my 30 Most Overrated Movies of All-Time list. I just watched it for the first time in its entirety over the weekend, and I was largely unimpressed. I guess it was a bit more of a sensation in 1973 when that genre of movie was still in its infancy, but I found it pretty boring. I will say this, though—Ellen Burstyn excelled at playing fuddy-duddy matronly characters, as does Diane Keaton.
DENNY ADDENDUM
Something I forgot to mention in my tribute to Hall of Fame-elect Royals broadcaster Denny Matthews: For many years, a local snack food company called Guy’s has been a regular sponsor on Royals radio broadcasts. Guy’s is famous for potato chips, cheese puffs, pretzels and such, and urban legend has it that one night during a game, Denny was reading a commercial bit for the company, and it went something like this: "…So be sure and run out and grab some Guy’s Nuts today…"
DON'T NEED A WEATHERMAN TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS, PART DEUX
One thing I love about the Internet is how average Joe’s like me can start a grass-roots campaign at rabble-rousing. Seems a local guy has started a website called http://www.firekatie.com/, a nice little razz at local K.C. TV weather tart/sensationalist drama queen Katie Horner, whose alarmist severe storm alert break-ins have become the bane of many innocent TV viewers’ existence. I have no problem with keeping people informed when severe weather threatens, but it’s another thing entirely to take over the airwaves and keep everyone on edge at every sighting of a dark cloud. "Oh, don’t worry—I’m not going to leave you," Katie often says, as she wipes out an entire evening’s network programming to give people up-to-the minute coverage of the pea-sized hail falling 100 miles from downtown K.C. It’s not even Spring here yet, and she’s already in mid-season form.
Jeez, I hate local TV news and weather…
Moronic big-mouth conservative pundit Ann Coulter made headlines again this week by calling Democratic Pres. candidate John Edwards a "faggot", then back-pedaled and claimed it was all a joke. Riiiiight. I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other about Edwards yet—this isn’t about him—but for someone who claims to be a conservative and/or a Christian, Ann Coulter sure doesn’t act like one! She doesn't look like one, either—she dresses like a slut most of the time. I’ve figured out why she does this shit, though—it’s a desperate way to keep her name in the papers because she has nothing else relevant or profound to say, all the while chanting the conservative mantra of "We’re right/we’re always right/we’ll always be right." I won’t waste my time or yours rehashing Coulter’s other outlandish ramblings, but suffice it to say that most of the crap this woman says and writes amounts to little more than runny post-KFC stool. Still, I think she should have been strung up by her nut sack (if she had one) for her remarks about the 9/11 widows—hell, even douche-bag O’Reilly tried to distance himself from that burst of bilge water—and if I were a conservative, I sure wouldn’t want this wing-nut on my team.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #12
"Good Times Roll"—THE CARS (1978) "If the illusion is real, let them give you a ride…" Or as I once interpreted it: "If Ted Nugent is real…" Well, he used to be, anyway...
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN…SORT OF
I neglected to update last week’s K.C. mayoral election, where our hero Stan Glazer, aka "Mr. Observation Wheel", finished 10th out of 12 candidates. I repeat: 10th out of 12! And one of two people he finished ahead of is facing criminal charges for her alleged misdoings, too! Stan "Not-The-Man" garnered a whopping 1.7% of the vote—that’s only 1.7% more than I got, and I didn’t even run...
By the way, a boo/hiss to the people of Kansas City: I find it pathetic in a city of half a million people that less than 58,000 even bothered to vote in a mayoral election. That’s barely 10% of the population deciding who’s running the show. And don’t blame the weather for the poor turnout at the polls, either—it was a decent day out last Tuesday. I bet if they gave out free BBQ ribs at the polls, people woulda showed up to vote—if you ever want to get Kansas Citians to collectively do something, have a barbecue! Hell, just ACT like you’re having a barbecue, and they’ll come-a runnin’ like Forrest Gump…
NUMBER 31
You can add The Exorcist to my 30 Most Overrated Movies of All-Time list. I just watched it for the first time in its entirety over the weekend, and I was largely unimpressed. I guess it was a bit more of a sensation in 1973 when that genre of movie was still in its infancy, but I found it pretty boring. I will say this, though—Ellen Burstyn excelled at playing fuddy-duddy matronly characters, as does Diane Keaton.
DENNY ADDENDUM
Something I forgot to mention in my tribute to Hall of Fame-elect Royals broadcaster Denny Matthews: For many years, a local snack food company called Guy’s has been a regular sponsor on Royals radio broadcasts. Guy’s is famous for potato chips, cheese puffs, pretzels and such, and urban legend has it that one night during a game, Denny was reading a commercial bit for the company, and it went something like this: "…So be sure and run out and grab some Guy’s Nuts today…"
DON'T NEED A WEATHERMAN TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS, PART DEUX
One thing I love about the Internet is how average Joe’s like me can start a grass-roots campaign at rabble-rousing. Seems a local guy has started a website called http://www.firekatie.com/, a nice little razz at local K.C. TV weather tart/sensationalist drama queen Katie Horner, whose alarmist severe storm alert break-ins have become the bane of many innocent TV viewers’ existence. I have no problem with keeping people informed when severe weather threatens, but it’s another thing entirely to take over the airwaves and keep everyone on edge at every sighting of a dark cloud. "Oh, don’t worry—I’m not going to leave you," Katie often says, as she wipes out an entire evening’s network programming to give people up-to-the minute coverage of the pea-sized hail falling 100 miles from downtown K.C. It’s not even Spring here yet, and she’s already in mid-season form.
Jeez, I hate local TV news and weather…
Monday, March 5, 2007
A Tribute to Brother Bluto
Hard to believe it was 25 years ago today that we lost John Belushi. I just finished viewing the entire first season of "Saturday Night Live" on DVD, and Belushi was just getting started in year one, but he had his moments, like the classic "Samurai" skits and his spot-on Joe Cocker impersonation, not to mention the "killer bees" bits. Chevy Chase’s departure after that first year was the best thing that could have happened to that show anyway because it opened the door for Belushi to shine and be the show’s focal point instead of the smarmy Chase. I’ve read in more than one account that Belushi couldn’t stand Chevy (who can?), and I look forward for Season Two to come out on DVD, because that’s when John (and Dan Aykroyd) really took off.When I first heard the news that he had died, I immediately thought of the SNL film sketch that featured Belushi playing himself as an old man 50 years in the future. He’s walking around a snowy graveyard reminiscing about how all the other SNL cast members had preceded him in death and I thought how sadly ironic it was that he was actually the FIRST to go. Then it also hit me that this would be the end of the Blues Brothers too, which bummed me out—I loved the way Belushi did "I Don’t Know" ("Well what did I say to piss you off this time, BAAAAAAYYYY-BAYYY?"). Sadly, the act was on the decline a bit, since they started doing old pop songs like "Gimme Some Lovin’" and "Expressway To Your Heart" instead of hardcore Blues songs like on their first album, but it was still such a huge loss.
His film career was pretty uneven, but who can forget Belushi as Bluto in Animal House? Although he didn’t really have that many lines in the movie, John made the most of the scenes he was in and had some classic moments like, "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily…" and "They took the bar!!! The whole FUCKING BAR!!!" and his bit on the ladder spying on the sorority girls is quintessential Belushi.
He was kind of a "Joe Schmoe", but Belushi made the most of his talents and when he was on top of his game, he was as funny as anyone. It’s a shame the drugs got a hold of him at such a young age. Rumor has it that Robin Williams was hanging around with him earlier that fateful day in 1982—it's possible we might have lost two comic legends in almost (literally) one shot of heroin. Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?
Long live Senator Blutarsky and Joliet Jake!
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Shark Jumping 107
I'll be there for you with a few selected "Friends" Jump The Shark moments. Keep in mind once again that I didn't write these, nor do I necessarily agree with them (although most times I do)--I just cut and paste them!
—Chandler and Monica…It isn’t so much that they are dating. It’s the trying to hide it from the other characters for an entire season.
—And to those of you who whine about the lack of racial integration on this show, get real; how many of us can really say our closest circle of friends is racially diverse? [Good point!--B.H.]
—“Friends” jumped the shark when Monica and Rachel started competing on who could lose weight the fastest. Both now look like they just walked out of a concentration camp.
—And yeah, it’s unrealistic, but that is why we call this fiction, boys and girls. If you don’t like it, stop watching it. “I watch it for the hot chicks” is a crappy excuse—get a Playboy.
—The theme song sounds like a bad Monkees tune.
—Rachel, Marcia Brady called--she wants her hair back!—I can’t believe Courteney Cox married that goofy Arquette guy. Huh? Why that “1-800-CALL-ATT” moron? Was Carrot Top unavailable?—This is a Jenny Craig nightmare show. Cox and Aniston look like two skeletons. Cox’s face has the lines of a chain smoker.
—…they then turned Courteney Cox (consistently voted one of the world’s most beautiful women) into something that looked like Pippi Longstockings on a heroin bender.
—Ross Gellar—If I was his first wife, I would be a lesbian too.
—Please take a hint from “90210”: When all the characters have run out of friends within the group to sleep with, it is time to pull the plug.
—This season (where Rachel is pregnant) is going to suck. It will be about morning sickness, no coffee and swollen ankles. Then next season will be about no sleep. Then the next season, Rachel’s kid will be about six years old. Game Over.
—How white-trash can you get: Getting artificially inseminated with your brother’s sperm? Is this the Jerry Springer Show?
—Enough already with blond bombshells and cute coeds chasing after Ross! Is David Schwimmer competing with Woody Allen for most too-young, too-hot-for-him babes bagged by a schlub?
—“Friends” JTS when Monica decided eating was a hobby. And all that accomplished was that she looked like a 45-year-old chain-smoking booze hound. Someone give her a sandwich!!
—Monica is the worst--long straight hair that looks like a pair of black curtains framing her scrawny face.
—Rachel…thank god she got a haircut—she was looking like those Afghan dogs.
—Also REAL friends would tell Phoebe she sucks at guitar, tell Joey he sucks at acting, settle the Ross-Rachel thing once and for all, and tell Monica to stop being so damn annoying!
—Chandler and Monica…It isn’t so much that they are dating. It’s the trying to hide it from the other characters for an entire season.
—And to those of you who whine about the lack of racial integration on this show, get real; how many of us can really say our closest circle of friends is racially diverse? [Good point!--B.H.]
—“Friends” jumped the shark when Monica and Rachel started competing on who could lose weight the fastest. Both now look like they just walked out of a concentration camp.
—And yeah, it’s unrealistic, but that is why we call this fiction, boys and girls. If you don’t like it, stop watching it. “I watch it for the hot chicks” is a crappy excuse—get a Playboy.
—The theme song sounds like a bad Monkees tune.
—Rachel, Marcia Brady called--she wants her hair back!—I can’t believe Courteney Cox married that goofy Arquette guy. Huh? Why that “1-800-CALL-ATT” moron? Was Carrot Top unavailable?—This is a Jenny Craig nightmare show. Cox and Aniston look like two skeletons. Cox’s face has the lines of a chain smoker.
—…they then turned Courteney Cox (consistently voted one of the world’s most beautiful women) into something that looked like Pippi Longstockings on a heroin bender.
—Ross Gellar—If I was his first wife, I would be a lesbian too.
—Please take a hint from “90210”: When all the characters have run out of friends within the group to sleep with, it is time to pull the plug.
—This season (where Rachel is pregnant) is going to suck. It will be about morning sickness, no coffee and swollen ankles. Then next season will be about no sleep. Then the next season, Rachel’s kid will be about six years old. Game Over.
—How white-trash can you get: Getting artificially inseminated with your brother’s sperm? Is this the Jerry Springer Show?
—Enough already with blond bombshells and cute coeds chasing after Ross! Is David Schwimmer competing with Woody Allen for most too-young, too-hot-for-him babes bagged by a schlub?
—“Friends” JTS when Monica decided eating was a hobby. And all that accomplished was that she looked like a 45-year-old chain-smoking booze hound. Someone give her a sandwich!!
—Monica is the worst--long straight hair that looks like a pair of black curtains framing her scrawny face.
—Rachel…thank god she got a haircut—she was looking like those Afghan dogs.
—Also REAL friends would tell Phoebe she sucks at guitar, tell Joey he sucks at acting, settle the Ross-Rachel thing once and for all, and tell Monica to stop being so damn annoying!
My Top 20 Kiss Songs of All-Time
You wanted the best, so here goes! My all-time Kiss Top 20, which you might be shocked to find does NOT include "Rock And Roll All Nite", "I Love It Loud" or "Calling Dr. Love"...
20) "Creatures Of The Night" (1982) This song hailed the great Kiss comeback in the '80s, back to the down-and-dirty sound after spending about five years in musical wilderness. It quickly made everyone forget about that Music From The Elder catastrophe...
19) "Nothin' To Lose" (1974) Great call-and-response bit between Peter Criss and Gene and Paul. Old favorite in concert, too.
18) "I Just Wanna" (1992) As Frank Burns on "M*A*S*H" once said--It's got that word in it!
17) "Hotter Than Hell" (1974) I can't understand why they stopped playing this one live so long ago--it's a killer!
16) "She" (1975) Go with the live version on Alive! where Ace gets to really stretch out and jam.
15) "Tears Are Falling" (1985) Asylum was a very overlooked album, and it always pisses me off how Gene and Paul always try to act like the '80s never happened whenever they rehash the band's history--Kiss put out some damn good stuff after they took off the make-up.
14) "War Machine" (1982) A lot of folks don't know that Bryan Adams co-wrote this one. Strike down the one who leads you...
13) "UH! All Night" (1985) I'll give you three guesses what "UH!" means...
12) "Parasite" (1974) Underrated Kiss classic off the poorly-recorded Hotter Than Hell album. Dandy riff from Mr. Frehley, and an even dandier solo...
11) "Makin' Love" (1976) Smokin' little number courtesy of Mr. Stanley. Never sounded very good live, though, minus the echo effect during the chorus.
10) "Fits Like A Glove" (1983) Great riff from Gene and a downright dirty song: "'Cus when I go through her, it's just like a hot knife through butter..."
9) "Firehouse" (1974) Gotta love this one, always a highlight of a Kiss show.
8) "Let Me Go, Rock 'N' Roll" (1974) Don't bother with the truncated studio version on Hotter Than Hell--go with the live version on Alive! or the demo version on the Kiss box set where they stretch this thing out and jam a little.
7) "Young And Wasted" (1983) Gene sang this nasty little song on Lick It Up, but it sounded even better live with the late Eric Carr on vocals. Even Vinnie Vincent sounded good here...
6) "Love Gun" (1977) Another concert staple with a great riff, and one of Paul Stanley's better vocal performances. It took me a few years to notice what a great bass line Gene Simmons put on this one too, and Ace's solo on here just cooks!
5) "Cold Gin" (1974) You know it'll always win! If that first Kiss album had been recorded worth a damn at all, this song would be an FM radio staple right up there with "Highway To Hell" and "Smoke On The Water". A major missed opportunity...
4) "Black Diamond" (1974) I don't really relate to songs about prostitutes, but this one rocks anyway. Always a concert highlight that closed the shows with lots of bombs and pyro.
3) "Shout It Out Loud" (1976) Kiss meets the Wall of Sound and it works. Screw "Rock And Roll All Nite"--this is the definitive Kiss anthem. A lot of Kiss fans were turned off by the slickness of this one (and the Destroyer album in general), but I fucking loved it. I also love call-and-answer lyrics, and this song is a beautiful two-minute, 46-second masterpiece.
2) "Deuce" (1974) Can't come up with a more appropos title for #2 than this one, can ya? This is the song Kiss most often opens their shows with (or plays in the #2 hole), and this one makes it on attitude alone. It has to, with lyrics like "Get up and get your grandma outta here!" Love the little bit of choreography that Gene, Paul and Ace always did at the end of the song in concert, too.
1) "Detroit Rock City" (1976) If they ever make a movie about my life, I want this song to play during the opening credits. From the opening riff through the verses and the chorus, this was abso-tively The Hottest Band In The World's finest hour in the studio. You most definitely gotta lose your mind in Detroit, too. I actually have done so, a couple times...
20) "Creatures Of The Night" (1982) This song hailed the great Kiss comeback in the '80s, back to the down-and-dirty sound after spending about five years in musical wilderness. It quickly made everyone forget about that Music From The Elder catastrophe...
19) "Nothin' To Lose" (1974) Great call-and-response bit between Peter Criss and Gene and Paul. Old favorite in concert, too.
18) "I Just Wanna" (1992) As Frank Burns on "M*A*S*H" once said--It's got that word in it!
17) "Hotter Than Hell" (1974) I can't understand why they stopped playing this one live so long ago--it's a killer!
16) "She" (1975) Go with the live version on Alive! where Ace gets to really stretch out and jam.
15) "Tears Are Falling" (1985) Asylum was a very overlooked album, and it always pisses me off how Gene and Paul always try to act like the '80s never happened whenever they rehash the band's history--Kiss put out some damn good stuff after they took off the make-up.
14) "War Machine" (1982) A lot of folks don't know that Bryan Adams co-wrote this one. Strike down the one who leads you...
13) "UH! All Night" (1985) I'll give you three guesses what "UH!" means...
12) "Parasite" (1974) Underrated Kiss classic off the poorly-recorded Hotter Than Hell album. Dandy riff from Mr. Frehley, and an even dandier solo...
11) "Makin' Love" (1976) Smokin' little number courtesy of Mr. Stanley. Never sounded very good live, though, minus the echo effect during the chorus.
10) "Fits Like A Glove" (1983) Great riff from Gene and a downright dirty song: "'Cus when I go through her, it's just like a hot knife through butter..."
9) "Firehouse" (1974) Gotta love this one, always a highlight of a Kiss show.
8) "Let Me Go, Rock 'N' Roll" (1974) Don't bother with the truncated studio version on Hotter Than Hell--go with the live version on Alive! or the demo version on the Kiss box set where they stretch this thing out and jam a little.
7) "Young And Wasted" (1983) Gene sang this nasty little song on Lick It Up, but it sounded even better live with the late Eric Carr on vocals. Even Vinnie Vincent sounded good here...
6) "Love Gun" (1977) Another concert staple with a great riff, and one of Paul Stanley's better vocal performances. It took me a few years to notice what a great bass line Gene Simmons put on this one too, and Ace's solo on here just cooks!
5) "Cold Gin" (1974) You know it'll always win! If that first Kiss album had been recorded worth a damn at all, this song would be an FM radio staple right up there with "Highway To Hell" and "Smoke On The Water". A major missed opportunity...
4) "Black Diamond" (1974) I don't really relate to songs about prostitutes, but this one rocks anyway. Always a concert highlight that closed the shows with lots of bombs and pyro.
3) "Shout It Out Loud" (1976) Kiss meets the Wall of Sound and it works. Screw "Rock And Roll All Nite"--this is the definitive Kiss anthem. A lot of Kiss fans were turned off by the slickness of this one (and the Destroyer album in general), but I fucking loved it. I also love call-and-answer lyrics, and this song is a beautiful two-minute, 46-second masterpiece.
2) "Deuce" (1974) Can't come up with a more appropos title for #2 than this one, can ya? This is the song Kiss most often opens their shows with (or plays in the #2 hole), and this one makes it on attitude alone. It has to, with lyrics like "Get up and get your grandma outta here!" Love the little bit of choreography that Gene, Paul and Ace always did at the end of the song in concert, too.
1) "Detroit Rock City" (1976) If they ever make a movie about my life, I want this song to play during the opening credits. From the opening riff through the verses and the chorus, this was abso-tively The Hottest Band In The World's finest hour in the studio. You most definitely gotta lose your mind in Detroit, too. I actually have done so, a couple times...
First and ten, do it again...
For those of you who don't know what I look like, here is photographic evidence. I would put a photo of myself in my blog profile, but they want me to download something for that, so this is the next best thing. Just for the record, I am not a Minnesota Vikings fan--I got the Daunte Culpepper jersey on sale cheap at the Mall of America, 11 is my favorite number, the Vikings mini-helmet belongs to my good friend Phil (aka "Cheez"), and fuck it, I look good in purple!
Here's another shot taken that same day with me modeling the latest in Union Jack headwear with Phil's cousins Steve and Lee from Merry Ole England. At least I have cuter knees than that blonde morning news tart on Faux News Channel...And while I'm at it, here's my humble abode for the past 11 years, 2 months, and 8 days, along with my former vehicle, Homer The Cavalier, so-named after H. Simpson's similar-looking conveyance vehicle. Please note the fallen rust particles near his tailpipe...
And here is my current conveyance vehicle, the mighty Sparky The Cavalier, for which I owe five more year's worth of payments. He's about 10 years younger than Homer, and lots more reliable, too. Oddly enough, being a 2-door machine, Sparky has more payload space than Homer did, plus he has a fine CD player that I can avoid morning FM radio shows with too...
Friday, March 2, 2007
Dis, dat and da other...
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT…
It appears the Van Halen reunion tour is already about as dead as Bobcat Goldthwait’s career. David Lee Roth, being uncharacteristically diplomatic, said, "We have fragile politics in Van Halen. Please accept that as a partial answer," following this week’s announcement of the tour being cancelled. To wit, he and Eddie are already at each other’s throats. Evidently, they barely even got through one rehearsal for the tour, which comes as no great shock. I’m glad to see this tour won’t happen now because based on Dave’s megalomaniacal tendencies and Eddie’s instability/unreliability, this thing would have seriously trashed the band’s already-tarnished legacy even further. Word has it that everyone who was ever a member of Van Halen except Gary Cherone WILL attend the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony a week from Monday, but the Van Halens (Ed, Al, and Wolfie) are reserving their own table, so Diamond Dave, Sammy and Mikey are on their own, I guess. Velvet Revolver has been drafted to play their songs for the show, too. Better yet, why not just play some concert footage from back in the day when it was real? It would do the band's legacy more justice than seeing Slash and that dumbass druggie from Stone Temple Pilots playing their stuff...
DON’T NEED A WEATHERMAN TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS…
Lock up your daughters—Sir Rant-A-Lot's on the loose again!
I stumbled across Al Roker (quite possibly the whitest Black man in North America) on the tube this morning doing his "Today Show" shtick from the site of yesterday’s devastating tornadoes in Alabama. First off, Al Roker is to meteorology what Chevy Chase was to talk show hosting, and secondly, ain’t it just a tad tacky that amongst all the destruction and sadness, he’s standing there telling the rest of the country what the weather’s going to do in Walla Walla?
It pisses me off when TV news and weather people use the scene of a tragedy as the stage for their shows. I first noticed this phenomenon in the aftermath of the San Francisco earthquake in ’89 when Dan Rather sat behind a desk parked right in front of a collapsed Oakland freeway (probably still full of dead people) and I found it to be completely tasteless. All the major networks are guilty of doing this following Hurricane Katrina too. Reporting live from the scene about the tragedy itself is one thing—I have no problem with that—but it’s another thing entirely to use that scene as the backdrop for reporting the rest of the day’s news and/or weather, as if being there somehow magically enhances your credibility. Local stations use a similar lame tactic on the 10:00 news when they recap a story about some courtroom verdict with some schlub reporter standing outside the darkened courthouse that’s been closed for five hours. So asinine!
Have I ever mentioned before that I have issues with today’s electronic news media?
DEVILS MAY CARE
Caught an interesting show on Animal Planet the other night all about Tazmanian Devils, and was shocked to learn that they don’t look anything like this guy…
They’re actually over-sized ferrets and are a hundred times meaner than some pit bull dogs. They may look cute, but don’t be fooled by appearances… 
IF I HAD A DOLLAR…
…for every time I turned on my radio and a Boston song was playing, I swear I could retire! It drives me nuts how often that band gets played on Classic Rock radio. People think I’m making this up, but it’s astounding how often I’ll tune in one of our two Classic Rock stations here in K.C., and there’s a Boston song already playing, or one comes along within the next 5-10 minutes. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t dislike Boston—or at least I didn’t before they got played to death on the radio. As I mentioned before in my Best Debut Album list, Boston was a VERY good band, and could have been as big as Led Zeppelin if they hadn’t gotten mired in internal strife, perfectionism (eight years to make their third album?!?) and egos and all. But jeez Louise, for a band that only had two albums and change worth of good material, they get way too much airplay in my opinion. Shit, Zeppelin and The Who combined don’t get near as many spins as "More Than A Feeling" does. And I could leave the damn radio on all day and not hear one solitary Kiss song, too. So here’s a desperate plea from yours truly to all you radio station programmers out there: I’m begging you—stop the madness!!! Or, better yet, just start giving me those dollars every time you play Boston and I’ll shut up...
JUST KILL ME NOW...
I read today that someone is thinking of making a TV series based on these lame Geico Insurance TV ads with the caveman! It figures. First, they ran the talking gecko into the ground (he used to be funny), and now they're milking this sorry-ass caveman bit (which was never funny) for all it's worth. I think Jed Clampett summed it up best, "Pitiful...Pity-Ful!" By the way, Geico sucks anyway—their rates aren’t any lower than Allstate, State Farm, MetLife, et al, and their sales tactics are real high-pressure too. Avoid them just like you would avoid a Rick Astley CD!
In a similar development, it seems that actor John Ratzenberger, aka Cliff Claven on "Cheers", will soon be appearing on "Dancing With The Has-Beens—er uh, Stars". I'm not Jewish, but here's a hearty "Oy, Vey!" anyway...
Have I ever mentioned how much I abhor, despise, loathe and just plain HATE "reality" TV shows? I much prefer canker sores over them...
It appears the Van Halen reunion tour is already about as dead as Bobcat Goldthwait’s career. David Lee Roth, being uncharacteristically diplomatic, said, "We have fragile politics in Van Halen. Please accept that as a partial answer," following this week’s announcement of the tour being cancelled. To wit, he and Eddie are already at each other’s throats. Evidently, they barely even got through one rehearsal for the tour, which comes as no great shock. I’m glad to see this tour won’t happen now because based on Dave’s megalomaniacal tendencies and Eddie’s instability/unreliability, this thing would have seriously trashed the band’s already-tarnished legacy even further. Word has it that everyone who was ever a member of Van Halen except Gary Cherone WILL attend the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony a week from Monday, but the Van Halens (Ed, Al, and Wolfie) are reserving their own table, so Diamond Dave, Sammy and Mikey are on their own, I guess. Velvet Revolver has been drafted to play their songs for the show, too. Better yet, why not just play some concert footage from back in the day when it was real? It would do the band's legacy more justice than seeing Slash and that dumbass druggie from Stone Temple Pilots playing their stuff...
DON’T NEED A WEATHERMAN TO KNOW WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS…
Lock up your daughters—Sir Rant-A-Lot's on the loose again!
I stumbled across Al Roker (quite possibly the whitest Black man in North America) on the tube this morning doing his "Today Show" shtick from the site of yesterday’s devastating tornadoes in Alabama. First off, Al Roker is to meteorology what Chevy Chase was to talk show hosting, and secondly, ain’t it just a tad tacky that amongst all the destruction and sadness, he’s standing there telling the rest of the country what the weather’s going to do in Walla Walla?
It pisses me off when TV news and weather people use the scene of a tragedy as the stage for their shows. I first noticed this phenomenon in the aftermath of the San Francisco earthquake in ’89 when Dan Rather sat behind a desk parked right in front of a collapsed Oakland freeway (probably still full of dead people) and I found it to be completely tasteless. All the major networks are guilty of doing this following Hurricane Katrina too. Reporting live from the scene about the tragedy itself is one thing—I have no problem with that—but it’s another thing entirely to use that scene as the backdrop for reporting the rest of the day’s news and/or weather, as if being there somehow magically enhances your credibility. Local stations use a similar lame tactic on the 10:00 news when they recap a story about some courtroom verdict with some schlub reporter standing outside the darkened courthouse that’s been closed for five hours. So asinine!
Have I ever mentioned before that I have issues with today’s electronic news media?
DEVILS MAY CARE
Caught an interesting show on Animal Planet the other night all about Tazmanian Devils, and was shocked to learn that they don’t look anything like this guy…
They’re actually over-sized ferrets and are a hundred times meaner than some pit bull dogs. They may look cute, but don’t be fooled by appearances… IF I HAD A DOLLAR……for every time I turned on my radio and a Boston song was playing, I swear I could retire! It drives me nuts how often that band gets played on Classic Rock radio. People think I’m making this up, but it’s astounding how often I’ll tune in one of our two Classic Rock stations here in K.C., and there’s a Boston song already playing, or one comes along within the next 5-10 minutes. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t dislike Boston—or at least I didn’t before they got played to death on the radio. As I mentioned before in my Best Debut Album list, Boston was a VERY good band, and could have been as big as Led Zeppelin if they hadn’t gotten mired in internal strife, perfectionism (eight years to make their third album?!?) and egos and all. But jeez Louise, for a band that only had two albums and change worth of good material, they get way too much airplay in my opinion. Shit, Zeppelin and The Who combined don’t get near as many spins as "More Than A Feeling" does. And I could leave the damn radio on all day and not hear one solitary Kiss song, too. So here’s a desperate plea from yours truly to all you radio station programmers out there: I’m begging you—stop the madness!!! Or, better yet, just start giving me those dollars every time you play Boston and I’ll shut up...
JUST KILL ME NOW...
I read today that someone is thinking of making a TV series based on these lame Geico Insurance TV ads with the caveman! It figures. First, they ran the talking gecko into the ground (he used to be funny), and now they're milking this sorry-ass caveman bit (which was never funny) for all it's worth. I think Jed Clampett summed it up best, "Pitiful...Pity-Ful!" By the way, Geico sucks anyway—their rates aren’t any lower than Allstate, State Farm, MetLife, et al, and their sales tactics are real high-pressure too. Avoid them just like you would avoid a Rick Astley CD!
In a similar development, it seems that actor John Ratzenberger, aka Cliff Claven on "Cheers", will soon be appearing on "Dancing With The Has-Beens—er uh, Stars". I'm not Jewish, but here's a hearty "Oy, Vey!" anyway...
Have I ever mentioned how much I abhor, despise, loathe and just plain HATE "reality" TV shows? I much prefer canker sores over them...
I am now OFFICIALLY old!
Received a flyer in the mail this week for my 25-year High School reunion, which I have NO desire to attend. I attended my ten-year reunion in ’92 and in spite of the free beer, it was so depressing that I said, "Never again!" and I’m sticking to that. Most people romanticize so much about how their high school years were "the time of our lives" and all, but for the most part, I hated high school. I look back on those three years now as kind of a void in my life, from which I’ve blotted out a lot of the memories over time—I have more vivid and happy memories of junior high than I do of high school.
What sucks about the Raytown school district is the boundary lines for the individual schools themselves. I had attended school for ten years with more or less the same group of people through elementary and junior high and knew everyone pretty well, but when high school came along, we got split up because of the boundary lines for the high schools, so about a third of us attended Raytown South, and the other two-thirds went to Raytown High. Thus, I was forced to deal with a whole group of new people in high school, which I found difficult because I wasn’t the most outgoing person in the world then. To make matters worse, I was always a pretty good student prior to that, but my grades gradually got worse in high school, especially by the time I was a Senior because I was so burned-out on going to school altogether. And then I turned right around and went to college right after graduating, but that’s another story…
High school was a fairly miserable period for me personally, and that ten-year reunion only served to point out a shitload of missed opportunities for me in the socialization department, especially with the opposite sex. I was never properly taught how, much less encouraged, to be open with people and socialize when I was growing up—no one in my immediate family is exactly a social animal—thus I didn’t make many new friends in high school, male or female, and I’m still paying for that even today. Hell, I never even dated anyone until I was damn near 21 and that’s always haunted me, too. No one to blame but myself, but I was just kinda invisible to everyone in high school, therefore I don’t look back very fondly on that time of my life.
Getting back to the reunion thing, I got a kick out of the list of the two dozen or so people that the organizers were unable to track down—most of them aren’t worth looking for anyway! Did they check the local jails? I imagine at least a couple of them are probably still working at Wal-Mart too. Anyway, the irony of this whole thing is I’d probably enjoy attending my friend Tom’s 25-year reunion at Raytown High more than my own class reunion—I’d know more people at that one! As for the South reunion, there’s only a handful of people I even care to see again (including a couple girls I lusted mightily after), and I don’t care to put myself through something so depressing again.
However, in conjunction with the reunion, they’re holding some sort of golf event just down the road from my house. Maybe I’ll just take a cooler full of beer with me and do a Bill Murray and crash that little party and wreak a little havoc on the links instead! FORE!!
What sucks about the Raytown school district is the boundary lines for the individual schools themselves. I had attended school for ten years with more or less the same group of people through elementary and junior high and knew everyone pretty well, but when high school came along, we got split up because of the boundary lines for the high schools, so about a third of us attended Raytown South, and the other two-thirds went to Raytown High. Thus, I was forced to deal with a whole group of new people in high school, which I found difficult because I wasn’t the most outgoing person in the world then. To make matters worse, I was always a pretty good student prior to that, but my grades gradually got worse in high school, especially by the time I was a Senior because I was so burned-out on going to school altogether. And then I turned right around and went to college right after graduating, but that’s another story…
High school was a fairly miserable period for me personally, and that ten-year reunion only served to point out a shitload of missed opportunities for me in the socialization department, especially with the opposite sex. I was never properly taught how, much less encouraged, to be open with people and socialize when I was growing up—no one in my immediate family is exactly a social animal—thus I didn’t make many new friends in high school, male or female, and I’m still paying for that even today. Hell, I never even dated anyone until I was damn near 21 and that’s always haunted me, too. No one to blame but myself, but I was just kinda invisible to everyone in high school, therefore I don’t look back very fondly on that time of my life.
Getting back to the reunion thing, I got a kick out of the list of the two dozen or so people that the organizers were unable to track down—most of them aren’t worth looking for anyway! Did they check the local jails? I imagine at least a couple of them are probably still working at Wal-Mart too. Anyway, the irony of this whole thing is I’d probably enjoy attending my friend Tom’s 25-year reunion at Raytown High more than my own class reunion—I’d know more people at that one! As for the South reunion, there’s only a handful of people I even care to see again (including a couple girls I lusted mightily after), and I don’t care to put myself through something so depressing again.
However, in conjunction with the reunion, they’re holding some sort of golf event just down the road from my house. Maybe I’ll just take a cooler full of beer with me and do a Bill Murray and crash that little party and wreak a little havoc on the links instead! FORE!!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
The New "Ugly Betty"
I'm sorry, but this girl is far too pretty to be playing a character called "Ugly Betty":
While I'm on a roll here, can someone please explain to me what in blue blazes qualifies Joan Rivers (and her ugly-ass daughter) to be a fashion expert? This woman is hardly a fashion plate herself, so who the hell is she to criticize what anyone else wears? This is akin to a quadriplegic teaching physical education class...
This is America Ferrera. She plays the title character on the ABC comedy "Ugly Betty". She requires a bit of help to look the part—bad wig, fake braces on her teeth, Sally Jesse Raphael eyeglasses, et al, but as you can see, she's quite the cutie in real life...
I have found a much more suitable candidate for the role of "Ugly Betty". This is Melissa Rivers, or as I usually refer to her, "Joan Rivers' Ugly-Ass Daughter". As you can see, she's a natural for the part, and requires absolutely no augmentation whatsoever to fit the role. I'm fairly sure she works cheap too...
While I'm on a roll here, can someone please explain to me what in blue blazes qualifies Joan Rivers (and her ugly-ass daughter) to be a fashion expert? This woman is hardly a fashion plate herself, so who the hell is she to criticize what anyone else wears? This is akin to a quadriplegic teaching physical education class...Good answers
Questionnaire: "How do you normally meet single women?"
Me: "Very infrequently."
Judd Hirsch: "You’re an outpatient at Riverdale Mental Hospital?"
Richard Mulligan: "At times."
(Teachers)
Sigmund Freud: "Are you paranoid?"
Jimmy Carter: "No, I’m a Baptist."
(Old comedy bit from the ‘70s)
Fred Scuttle: "Give me two pronouns."
Bob Todd: "Who, me?"
("Benny Hill Show")
Lt. Dan: "Gump, have you found Jesus?"
Forrest Gump: "Was I ‘spose to look for him?"
(Forrest Gump)
Quiz question: "What was Louis XIV responsible for?"
Skyler Fishhawk: "Louis XV."
(Shoe comic strip.)
Edith Bunker: "Not now, Archie, I ain’t in the mood."
Archie Bunker: "FOR WHAT?"
("All In The Family")
Bill Cosby: "Why did you and your wife have five children?"
"Because we did not want six."
Hawkeye Pierce: "Who gets an ‘A’ in fidelity?"
B.J. Hunnicutt: "RCA-Victor."
("M*A*S*H")
Junior High metal shop quiz question: "What device is used to create a grooved-seam?"
My longtime friend John Jefferies: "A seamstress."
Quiz question: "Name the five senses."
Skyler Fishhawk: "Sight, smell, touch, horse and common."
(Shoe comic strip.)
Benny Hill: "What kind of man marries another man?"
"A vicar."
("Benny Hill Show")
Charles Bronson: "Do you believe in Jesus?"
Terrified criminal with gun pointed at him: "Yes."
Charles Bronson: "You're gonna meet him..."
(Death Wish II)
Mary the housekeeper: "Do you like boiled mutton?"
Fred Sanford: "Does anybody?"
("Sanford And Son")
Quiz question: "Who said that the treatment of the American Indian is a national disgrace?"
Archie Bunker: "Geronimo?"
("All In The Family")
Mrs. Yogi Berra: "I saw ‘Dr. Zhivago’ yesterday."
Yogi Berra: "Geez, what’s the matter with you this time?"
Girl: "I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party..."
Guy: "Blow it out your ear, 'cause you work at Hardee's!"
("Instant Club Mix", Dead Milkmen song)
J.T. Walsh: "What does three up and three down mean to you?"
Robin Williams: "End of an inning."
(Good Morning, Vietnam)
Henry McGee: "How long has it been?"
Fred Scuttle: "Different lengths at different times, sir."
("Benny Hill Show")
Me: "Very infrequently."
Judd Hirsch: "You’re an outpatient at Riverdale Mental Hospital?"
Richard Mulligan: "At times."
(Teachers)
Sigmund Freud: "Are you paranoid?"
Jimmy Carter: "No, I’m a Baptist."
(Old comedy bit from the ‘70s)
Fred Scuttle: "Give me two pronouns."
Bob Todd: "Who, me?"
("Benny Hill Show")
Lt. Dan: "Gump, have you found Jesus?"
Forrest Gump: "Was I ‘spose to look for him?"
(Forrest Gump)
Quiz question: "What was Louis XIV responsible for?"
Skyler Fishhawk: "Louis XV."
(Shoe comic strip.)
Edith Bunker: "Not now, Archie, I ain’t in the mood."
Archie Bunker: "FOR WHAT?"
("All In The Family")
Bill Cosby: "Why did you and your wife have five children?"
"Because we did not want six."
Hawkeye Pierce: "Who gets an ‘A’ in fidelity?"
B.J. Hunnicutt: "RCA-Victor."
("M*A*S*H")
Junior High metal shop quiz question: "What device is used to create a grooved-seam?"
My longtime friend John Jefferies: "A seamstress."
Quiz question: "Name the five senses."
Skyler Fishhawk: "Sight, smell, touch, horse and common."
(Shoe comic strip.)
Benny Hill: "What kind of man marries another man?"
"A vicar."
("Benny Hill Show")
Charles Bronson: "Do you believe in Jesus?"
Terrified criminal with gun pointed at him: "Yes."
Charles Bronson: "You're gonna meet him..."
(Death Wish II)
Mary the housekeeper: "Do you like boiled mutton?"
Fred Sanford: "Does anybody?"
("Sanford And Son")
Quiz question: "Who said that the treatment of the American Indian is a national disgrace?"
Archie Bunker: "Geronimo?"
("All In The Family")
Mrs. Yogi Berra: "I saw ‘Dr. Zhivago’ yesterday."
Yogi Berra: "Geez, what’s the matter with you this time?"
Girl: "I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party..."
Guy: "Blow it out your ear, 'cause you work at Hardee's!"
("Instant Club Mix", Dead Milkmen song)
J.T. Walsh: "What does three up and three down mean to you?"
Robin Williams: "End of an inning."
(Good Morning, Vietnam)
Henry McGee: "How long has it been?"
Fred Scuttle: "Different lengths at different times, sir."
("Benny Hill Show")
Monday, February 26, 2007
Up The Academy
I used to love watching award shows on TV when I was younger, but The Oscars are about the only one that I’ll go out of my way to watch anymore. The American Music Awards and the Grammies are a joke now (the latter has always been a joke), the Emmys honor nothing but HBO shows now, the Golden Globes are rendered redundant by the Oscars and the Emmys, and I don’t care about the Tonys, so to me the Oscars are really the only relevant awards show remaining. In a way, the Oscars have a Super Bowl-type quality about them that makes it fun to watch.
But before I comment on last night’s Academy Awards, let me turn on the TV and check to see if the damn ceremony is still going—nope, Ellen DeGeneres is gone, so I guess it finally did end! Good gravy, people—three hours and 45 minutes—there have been murder trials that didn’t last as long as this show! I watched pretty much the whole damn thing, but my attention span was severely tested throughout. When will the Academy people ever learn that bigger isn’t necessarily better? As usual, there were way too many film montages (the only one that’s necessary is the annual montage honoring those who passed away in the previous year), and way too much emphasis on foreign films (who actually gives a shit about these besides foreigners?) and the technical awards (Best Art Direction, for example). By the way—how does one go about "directing art"? "Okay, you, Mr. Painting—for this scene, all you gotta do is just hang there on the wall, and DON’T MOVE! Now, you, Mr. Statue—you just have to stand there, and again, DON’T MOVE!"
Getting back to the show, I’m sure all the conservatives out there were reaching for the smelling salts when Melissa Etheridge said, "I’d like to thank my wife…" during her acceptance speech (I loved it!), not to mention the wardrobe malfunction Jennifer Hudson damn near had during her performance with Beyonce—if she’d have leaned forward one more time, her right breast would have popped right out of that dress and millions of TiVos would have been busy! Then again, the conservatives probably didn’t bother to tune in to begin with, since "that damn Ellen DeGenerate" was the host. I was pretty underwhelmed by Ellen myself—I’ve never found her to be all that funny in the first place, and most of her staged attempts at humor just fell flat. As for the rest of the presentation, it wasn’t bad—if nothing else, it was kinda nice to not have to look at Johnny Depp all night, unlike last year. But at the risk of sounding like Bill O’Reilly and his ilk, I could have really done without the Al Gore lovefest and all the ass-kissing directed at him throughout the night, as if he’s suddenly some sort of beloved Hollywood icon. Gimme a fucking break already—up until Gore made this global warming documentary, he was nothing but a punchline in Hollywood. ‘Scuse me while I hurl…
As for the winners, this was one of the more interesting Oscar nights. Although I haven’t seen any of the nominated films yet, I was pleased to see some good people win Oscars, especially Martin Scorsese (The Aviator notwithstanding) and Forest Whitaker. I would never have bet good money on an "American Idol" contestant (Hudson) winning an Oscar, either. And even though my girl Kate Winslet didn’t win Best Actress, I was delighted that Meryl Streep didn’t win either for that Devil Wears Prada crapfest.
Memo to the Academy for next year: How about considering Jerry Seinfeld to be the host? His bit last night about cleaning up after ourselves in movie theaters was ten times funnier than anything DeGeneres did, and he seems like a perfect fit for the job. And please do us all a favor and to try and lop off about an hour’s worth of stuff for next year’s ceremony, mmm-kay? These yearly rituals are getting to be more interminable than Super Bowl pre-game shows…
But before I comment on last night’s Academy Awards, let me turn on the TV and check to see if the damn ceremony is still going—nope, Ellen DeGeneres is gone, so I guess it finally did end! Good gravy, people—three hours and 45 minutes—there have been murder trials that didn’t last as long as this show! I watched pretty much the whole damn thing, but my attention span was severely tested throughout. When will the Academy people ever learn that bigger isn’t necessarily better? As usual, there were way too many film montages (the only one that’s necessary is the annual montage honoring those who passed away in the previous year), and way too much emphasis on foreign films (who actually gives a shit about these besides foreigners?) and the technical awards (Best Art Direction, for example). By the way—how does one go about "directing art"? "Okay, you, Mr. Painting—for this scene, all you gotta do is just hang there on the wall, and DON’T MOVE! Now, you, Mr. Statue—you just have to stand there, and again, DON’T MOVE!"
Getting back to the show, I’m sure all the conservatives out there were reaching for the smelling salts when Melissa Etheridge said, "I’d like to thank my wife…" during her acceptance speech (I loved it!), not to mention the wardrobe malfunction Jennifer Hudson damn near had during her performance with Beyonce—if she’d have leaned forward one more time, her right breast would have popped right out of that dress and millions of TiVos would have been busy! Then again, the conservatives probably didn’t bother to tune in to begin with, since "that damn Ellen DeGenerate" was the host. I was pretty underwhelmed by Ellen myself—I’ve never found her to be all that funny in the first place, and most of her staged attempts at humor just fell flat. As for the rest of the presentation, it wasn’t bad—if nothing else, it was kinda nice to not have to look at Johnny Depp all night, unlike last year. But at the risk of sounding like Bill O’Reilly and his ilk, I could have really done without the Al Gore lovefest and all the ass-kissing directed at him throughout the night, as if he’s suddenly some sort of beloved Hollywood icon. Gimme a fucking break already—up until Gore made this global warming documentary, he was nothing but a punchline in Hollywood. ‘Scuse me while I hurl…
As for the winners, this was one of the more interesting Oscar nights. Although I haven’t seen any of the nominated films yet, I was pleased to see some good people win Oscars, especially Martin Scorsese (The Aviator notwithstanding) and Forest Whitaker. I would never have bet good money on an "American Idol" contestant (Hudson) winning an Oscar, either. And even though my girl Kate Winslet didn’t win Best Actress, I was delighted that Meryl Streep didn’t win either for that Devil Wears Prada crapfest.
Memo to the Academy for next year: How about considering Jerry Seinfeld to be the host? His bit last night about cleaning up after ourselves in movie theaters was ten times funnier than anything DeGeneres did, and he seems like a perfect fit for the job. And please do us all a favor and to try and lop off about an hour’s worth of stuff for next year’s ceremony, mmm-kay? These yearly rituals are getting to be more interminable than Super Bowl pre-game shows…
Saturday, February 24, 2007
The 20 Most Underrated Movies of All-Time
Since I did the 30 Most Overrated Movies last week, it's only fair that I give the underrated ones equal time. Sadly, I could only come up with 20 instead of 30…
1) Teachers (1984) Nice ensemble cast here—I really liked Nick Nolte in this one, as well as Laura Dern, and even the usually-annoying Ralph Macchio and Crispin Glover weren’t bad. A young Morgan Freeman also has a small role here. However, it was the late Richard Mulligan (of "Soap" and "Empty Nest" fame) who really stole the show playing the mental hospital outpatient posing as a substitute teacher—he was more qualified to teach than any of the stiffs the Raytown School District ever hired! Nolte also perfectly played one of those cool teachers you wanted to have in high school, and this was not a bad story either, with several good subplots. The only true horror was the totally unnecessary trumped-up piece of symbolism of JoBeth Williams not being "afraid to walk naked down the halls". I normally love seeing a woman take her clothes off in a movie, but in the words of the late Benny Hill, "If she hadn’t been blessed with those two warts on her chest, she would have no figure at all…" Hell, I have bigger breasts than JoBeth Williams does! She does have better legs than me, though…
2) The Hollywood Knights (1980) This one’s a guilty pleasure for me—I loved watching it on Friday nights on Cinemax back in the ‘80s. It’s sorta of a poor man’s American Graffiti crossed with a bit of Animal House, but it’s not a bad little movie, in spite of having Tony Danza in it. Great ‘60s soundtrack too, and you’ll never hear the song "Volare" again without thinking of Newbomb Turk! Those of you who’ve seen it know precisely what I mean…
3) Awakenings (1990) A highly-regarded film, yes, but not nearly high enough, in my opinion. Where were the Oscars for this one?!? DeNiro certainly should have gotten one—that had to be a challenge for him to pull off all the physical movements and still be convincing. And Robin Williams was phenomenal in a very understated role—he’s become such a good dramatic actor that apart from Good Morning, Vietnam, World According To Garp and Mrs. Doubtfire, it’s strangely ironic how mediocre his comedy films are. I also liked director Penny Marshall’s attention to detail in recreating the era the story took place in, even in the scenes where Williams and DeNiro are driving around town—it looked and felt like 1969, right down to Dr. Sayer’s Plymouth Valiant! Penelope Ann Miller—a rather underrated redhead, even by my standards—was pretty good here too.
4) The Shawshank Redemption (1994) Even though it’s highly-regarded, I still consider it underrated anyway—what a nifty freakin’ movie! Great plot, with plenty of twists and turns, and Morgan Freeman was terrific in this one. Tim Robbins was pretty good here too. Sorry, all you conservatives out there…
5) Last American Virgin (1983) This one was unfairly lumped in with all the other horny teen sex farce movies of the ‘80s (like Class, Private School, et al), but it’s worth another look if you passed on it the first time. LAV has a good storyline and features the lovely Diane Franklin (Monique in Better Off Dead), plus a surprise ending that sets it apart from those other flicks of its genre.
6) Better Off Dead (1984) John Cusack disses this movie now, claiming that it made him look foolish, but I beg to differ—this thing was damn funny in places. The Japanese guy talking like Howard Cosell, and the animated hamburger imitating Eddie Van Halen, not to mention the running gag with the paper boy ("I want my TWO DOLLARS!")—that was funny stuff! And what guy wouldn’t have loved to take those "language lessons" with Monique? Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir? Oui, oui!
7) World Trade Center (2006) When I heard Oliver Stone was directing this, I was immediately skeptical, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t get one right for a change. Remarkably restrained (especially for him), it told the story of two firefighters trapped in the rubble in a very uplifting way. Even Nicolas Cage was good here. Well worth a look, if you passed on it because you thought it would be too depressing.
8) Dead Poets Society (1989) Even though it starred Robin Williams, the first time I saw this one, I got bored and gave up halfway through. To use a term from the movie itself, I thought it was "excrement", but I checked it out again some years later, and found it to be a pretty good film after all. Williams was once again very subdued here, but very believable too. What I still find rather unbelievable is that horny teenage boys in the ‘50s would be all that interested in poetry as a hobby, but it was a good story anyway. Carpe diem, captain, my captain!
9) A League Of Their Own (1992) Another highly-regarded film, yes, but I include it here because I think Tom Hanks should have gotten an Oscar nomination for playing the loutish Jimmy Dugan. Hanks usually plays the heroic good-guy character, and this was the first time he showed his range by playing a real horse’s ass, yet he made the guy lovable anyway. I love it when he comes out and waves his cap to the crowd at the first game, all the while muttering, "That’s right—kiss my hairy ass!" Oh yeah, the rest of the movie was pretty good too. Even Rosie O’Donnell gets high marks from me—for the first and probably only time in a movie! Madonna too, for that matter. Penny Marshall has turned into a helluva director, too—she’s far better at directing than singing…
10) Mask (1984) Now this is the film that Cher should have gotten an Oscar for instead of Moonstruck! She was excellent playing the drug-addict mother to Eric Stoltz’s disfigured Rocky character. Stoltz was brilliant too, as was the underrated Sam Elliott playing Gar the biker dude/father figure. Loved Laura Dern as the blind girl also. The scene where she says, "I’ve never understood colors" and Rocky hands her different items of varying temperatures to convey the various colors was really cool. It never occurred to me before that how colors mean absolutely nothing to blind people. See? In spite of what most Replublicans will tell you, you CAN learn something from movies now and then!
11) Ed Wood (1994) Probably the only movie I ever liked Johnny Depp in, it tells the story of infamous film director Ed Wood, the man who brought us Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen Or Glenda. Eddie was a couple fries shy of a Happy Meal, and this movie is a real hoot.
12) Full Metal Jacket (1987) Jesus H. Christ! R. Lee Ermey’s drill sergeant bit in the boot camp portion of the movie is the stuff of legends. You hated the som-bitch so much, but he was so fucking funny with the insults that you loved him at the same time. Example: "How tall are you? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!" The second half of the movie is a bit more mundane, but it’s worth watching for the first 45 minutes alone.
13) Light Sleeper (1992) Ironically, I caught this film late one night on cable when I couldn’t sleep! Great movie that flew under the radar, it starred Willem Dafoe (one of my favorite actors), as an insomniac drug courier with a conscience who wants to get out of the business run by drug dealer Susan Saran-Wrap—er uh, Sarandon. Dana Delaney from "China Beach" (another favorite actress of mine) was excellent here too. It reminded me a bit of Pulp Fiction only minus most of the gory violence, and it was very atmospheric in places.
14) Mississippi Burning (1988) I let this one pass me by when it first came out, but it’s a damn good movie. Willem Dafoe and Gene Hackman were great in this story about Civil Rights and racism in the ‘60s. Even "Hee Haw" regular Gaylard Sartain made a convincing enough redneck bigot sheriff here. And I loved seeing those Ford Galaxie 500s and other old-school cars of that era.
15) Young Doctors In Love (1982) Great soap opera spoof that took advantage of the wave of popularity caused by the whole "General Hospital" Luke & Laura thing. Totally silly plot, but very funny in places, and I’m sure many black people take great delight in watching the mob hit man played by Michael Richards doing himself in numerous times—shades of Wile E. Coyote! And if the "Philadelphia Fucking Philharmonic" ever comes to town, check ‘em out!
16) Sixteen Candles (1984) This one gets better and better every time I watch it. The Long Duk Dong bits alone ("Donger need food!") are priceless, and who better to play a geek than a geek like Michael Anthony Hall?
17) What’s Up, Doc? (1971) One of the few movies that I actually liked Barbra Streisand in! The chase scene near the end of the movie is a total hoot.
18) That Thing You Do! (1996) Since Tom Hanks directed as well as starred in it, he didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with the rest of the cast in this film about a fictitious ‘60s Rock group that makes the big-time. This was one of Liv Tyler’s better performances too.
19) Men Don’t Leave (1990) I didn’t like the main plot involving Jessica Lange in this one half as much as I loved the subplot involving Joan Cusack playing a young nurse who kinda sorta seduces Lange’s teenage son. Not the prettiest girl in the world, but there have been times when Joan was an absolute babe to me, and this was one of them—she is a redhead, after all. She was cute in Working Girl and Broadcast News too. Regrettably, the older she gets, the goofier she gets, and I find it sad that she feels the need to resort to hawking cell phones on TV now.
20) Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams (1981) Probably the best of C&C's "Pedro & Man" movies, and the scene with Cheech scooting around on the floor in the straight jacket screaming, "Somebody PLEEEEASE scratch my balls!!!" just kills me! I also liked it when that druggie chick thought Chong was Jerry Garcia, and Cheech chimed in with, "Hey, I’m Santana, man!"
1) Teachers (1984) Nice ensemble cast here—I really liked Nick Nolte in this one, as well as Laura Dern, and even the usually-annoying Ralph Macchio and Crispin Glover weren’t bad. A young Morgan Freeman also has a small role here. However, it was the late Richard Mulligan (of "Soap" and "Empty Nest" fame) who really stole the show playing the mental hospital outpatient posing as a substitute teacher—he was more qualified to teach than any of the stiffs the Raytown School District ever hired! Nolte also perfectly played one of those cool teachers you wanted to have in high school, and this was not a bad story either, with several good subplots. The only true horror was the totally unnecessary trumped-up piece of symbolism of JoBeth Williams not being "afraid to walk naked down the halls". I normally love seeing a woman take her clothes off in a movie, but in the words of the late Benny Hill, "If she hadn’t been blessed with those two warts on her chest, she would have no figure at all…" Hell, I have bigger breasts than JoBeth Williams does! She does have better legs than me, though…
2) The Hollywood Knights (1980) This one’s a guilty pleasure for me—I loved watching it on Friday nights on Cinemax back in the ‘80s. It’s sorta of a poor man’s American Graffiti crossed with a bit of Animal House, but it’s not a bad little movie, in spite of having Tony Danza in it. Great ‘60s soundtrack too, and you’ll never hear the song "Volare" again without thinking of Newbomb Turk! Those of you who’ve seen it know precisely what I mean…
3) Awakenings (1990) A highly-regarded film, yes, but not nearly high enough, in my opinion. Where were the Oscars for this one?!? DeNiro certainly should have gotten one—that had to be a challenge for him to pull off all the physical movements and still be convincing. And Robin Williams was phenomenal in a very understated role—he’s become such a good dramatic actor that apart from Good Morning, Vietnam, World According To Garp and Mrs. Doubtfire, it’s strangely ironic how mediocre his comedy films are. I also liked director Penny Marshall’s attention to detail in recreating the era the story took place in, even in the scenes where Williams and DeNiro are driving around town—it looked and felt like 1969, right down to Dr. Sayer’s Plymouth Valiant! Penelope Ann Miller—a rather underrated redhead, even by my standards—was pretty good here too.
4) The Shawshank Redemption (1994) Even though it’s highly-regarded, I still consider it underrated anyway—what a nifty freakin’ movie! Great plot, with plenty of twists and turns, and Morgan Freeman was terrific in this one. Tim Robbins was pretty good here too. Sorry, all you conservatives out there…
5) Last American Virgin (1983) This one was unfairly lumped in with all the other horny teen sex farce movies of the ‘80s (like Class, Private School, et al), but it’s worth another look if you passed on it the first time. LAV has a good storyline and features the lovely Diane Franklin (Monique in Better Off Dead), plus a surprise ending that sets it apart from those other flicks of its genre.
6) Better Off Dead (1984) John Cusack disses this movie now, claiming that it made him look foolish, but I beg to differ—this thing was damn funny in places. The Japanese guy talking like Howard Cosell, and the animated hamburger imitating Eddie Van Halen, not to mention the running gag with the paper boy ("I want my TWO DOLLARS!")—that was funny stuff! And what guy wouldn’t have loved to take those "language lessons" with Monique? Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir? Oui, oui!
7) World Trade Center (2006) When I heard Oliver Stone was directing this, I was immediately skeptical, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t get one right for a change. Remarkably restrained (especially for him), it told the story of two firefighters trapped in the rubble in a very uplifting way. Even Nicolas Cage was good here. Well worth a look, if you passed on it because you thought it would be too depressing.
8) Dead Poets Society (1989) Even though it starred Robin Williams, the first time I saw this one, I got bored and gave up halfway through. To use a term from the movie itself, I thought it was "excrement", but I checked it out again some years later, and found it to be a pretty good film after all. Williams was once again very subdued here, but very believable too. What I still find rather unbelievable is that horny teenage boys in the ‘50s would be all that interested in poetry as a hobby, but it was a good story anyway. Carpe diem, captain, my captain!
9) A League Of Their Own (1992) Another highly-regarded film, yes, but I include it here because I think Tom Hanks should have gotten an Oscar nomination for playing the loutish Jimmy Dugan. Hanks usually plays the heroic good-guy character, and this was the first time he showed his range by playing a real horse’s ass, yet he made the guy lovable anyway. I love it when he comes out and waves his cap to the crowd at the first game, all the while muttering, "That’s right—kiss my hairy ass!" Oh yeah, the rest of the movie was pretty good too. Even Rosie O’Donnell gets high marks from me—for the first and probably only time in a movie! Madonna too, for that matter. Penny Marshall has turned into a helluva director, too—she’s far better at directing than singing…
10) Mask (1984) Now this is the film that Cher should have gotten an Oscar for instead of Moonstruck! She was excellent playing the drug-addict mother to Eric Stoltz’s disfigured Rocky character. Stoltz was brilliant too, as was the underrated Sam Elliott playing Gar the biker dude/father figure. Loved Laura Dern as the blind girl also. The scene where she says, "I’ve never understood colors" and Rocky hands her different items of varying temperatures to convey the various colors was really cool. It never occurred to me before that how colors mean absolutely nothing to blind people. See? In spite of what most Replublicans will tell you, you CAN learn something from movies now and then!
11) Ed Wood (1994) Probably the only movie I ever liked Johnny Depp in, it tells the story of infamous film director Ed Wood, the man who brought us Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen Or Glenda. Eddie was a couple fries shy of a Happy Meal, and this movie is a real hoot.
12) Full Metal Jacket (1987) Jesus H. Christ! R. Lee Ermey’s drill sergeant bit in the boot camp portion of the movie is the stuff of legends. You hated the som-bitch so much, but he was so fucking funny with the insults that you loved him at the same time. Example: "How tall are you? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!" The second half of the movie is a bit more mundane, but it’s worth watching for the first 45 minutes alone.
13) Light Sleeper (1992) Ironically, I caught this film late one night on cable when I couldn’t sleep! Great movie that flew under the radar, it starred Willem Dafoe (one of my favorite actors), as an insomniac drug courier with a conscience who wants to get out of the business run by drug dealer Susan Saran-Wrap—er uh, Sarandon. Dana Delaney from "China Beach" (another favorite actress of mine) was excellent here too. It reminded me a bit of Pulp Fiction only minus most of the gory violence, and it was very atmospheric in places.
14) Mississippi Burning (1988) I let this one pass me by when it first came out, but it’s a damn good movie. Willem Dafoe and Gene Hackman were great in this story about Civil Rights and racism in the ‘60s. Even "Hee Haw" regular Gaylard Sartain made a convincing enough redneck bigot sheriff here. And I loved seeing those Ford Galaxie 500s and other old-school cars of that era.
15) Young Doctors In Love (1982) Great soap opera spoof that took advantage of the wave of popularity caused by the whole "General Hospital" Luke & Laura thing. Totally silly plot, but very funny in places, and I’m sure many black people take great delight in watching the mob hit man played by Michael Richards doing himself in numerous times—shades of Wile E. Coyote! And if the "Philadelphia Fucking Philharmonic" ever comes to town, check ‘em out!
16) Sixteen Candles (1984) This one gets better and better every time I watch it. The Long Duk Dong bits alone ("Donger need food!") are priceless, and who better to play a geek than a geek like Michael Anthony Hall?
17) What’s Up, Doc? (1971) One of the few movies that I actually liked Barbra Streisand in! The chase scene near the end of the movie is a total hoot.
18) That Thing You Do! (1996) Since Tom Hanks directed as well as starred in it, he didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with the rest of the cast in this film about a fictitious ‘60s Rock group that makes the big-time. This was one of Liv Tyler’s better performances too.
19) Men Don’t Leave (1990) I didn’t like the main plot involving Jessica Lange in this one half as much as I loved the subplot involving Joan Cusack playing a young nurse who kinda sorta seduces Lange’s teenage son. Not the prettiest girl in the world, but there have been times when Joan was an absolute babe to me, and this was one of them—she is a redhead, after all. She was cute in Working Girl and Broadcast News too. Regrettably, the older she gets, the goofier she gets, and I find it sad that she feels the need to resort to hawking cell phones on TV now.
20) Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams (1981) Probably the best of C&C's "Pedro & Man" movies, and the scene with Cheech scooting around on the floor in the straight jacket screaming, "Somebody PLEEEEASE scratch my balls!!!" just kills me! I also liked it when that druggie chick thought Chong was Jerry Garcia, and Cheech chimed in with, "Hey, I’m Santana, man!"
What Might Have Been... Vol. I
I’ve been compiling a listing of actors who were considered for and/or turned down certain movie and TV roles, which I’ll feature from time to time as I unearth them. It’s fascinating to see how popular history would have been altered in unfathomable ways if certain critical choices hadn’t been made by casting directors and/or the actors themselves.
—For starters, could you possibly imagine Gene Hackman as Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch"? It almost happened, but they chose Robert Reed over Gene, a move that I’m sure the Hack Man is eternally grateful for! If Hackman was Mike Brady, chances are he wouldn’t have done French Connection in ’71, and so on down the line, his career path would have been different. Just as well anyway, since Robert Reed was apparently far more comfortable with being "busy with three boys of his own." Sorry, I’m SO bad…
—Carroll O’Connor was nearly cast as The Skipper on "Gilligan’s Island". While I can kinda-sorta picture him in that role, I’m glad he didn’t get it because 1) Alan Hale made the perfect Skipper, and 2) I doubt seriously if O’Connor would ever have been Archie Bunker after doing "Gilligan"—no one else from that show ever got any serious roles again. I can’t even begin to imagine anyone besides Carroll O’Connor playing A. Bunker, can you?
—Before Harrison Ford got the part of Han Solo in Star Wars, Burt Reynolds turned it down. Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte were also considered for it, but were turned down. Singer Terri Nunn of the band Berlin also auditioned for Princess Leia before being aced out by Carrie Fisher, and William Katt of "Greatest American Hero" fame was up for Luke Skywalker at one point. I think George Lucas made the right choices, there…
—Nolte was also considered for Clark Kent/Superman before Christopher Reeve got the signature role of his career. Just as well—there was no place for Nolte to stash his flask in those blue tights!
—It’s entirely possible we might have had Crosby, Somebody Else and Nash. Singer Stephen Stills auditioned for "The Monkees" and was rejected. He was good buds at the time with one Peter Tork, and told him about the audition, and Pete went down and gave it a shot, and the rest is history.
—John Travolta has made as many bad career moves as he has good ones. He turned down the leads in American Gigolo and An Officer & A Gentleman—roles that both went to Richard Gere, and he turned down the lead in Splash that went to Tom Hanks. Travolta’s a lucky bastard, tho—he keeps resurfacing just when you think his career is toast.
—Phoebe Cates was rejected for a role, but gained a husband in the process. She read for the role of Chloe in The Big Chill that went to Meg Tilly, but met her future husband Kevin Kline during her audition, much to the chagrin of my good friend Tom, who was fairly obsessed with Miss Cates back in the day! Can’t say I blame him, either. Sadly, her career never did recover from that Drop Dead Fred excrement.
—Molly Ringwald passed on lead roles in both Ghost and Pretty Woman. I truly wish she’d have taken the latter one—the world may have been spared from the totally underwhelming talents of Julia Roberts!
—And of course, there’s the legendary tale of how Buddy Ebsen lost out on being the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz because he was allergic to the silver face make-up. He thought his career was totally screwed, but fate intervened in 1961 and he moved in next to Mr. Drysdale and became forever-known as Jed Clampett.
—Singer Gordon Lightfoot once dated the infamous Cathy Smith, the woman who later shot up actor John Belushi with that lethal dose of cocaine and heroin in 1982. Luckily, Gord came to his senses and dropped the bitch like a bad habit. Eerie coincidence--Lightfoot shared the same stage with Belushi on "Saturday Night Live" in 1976.
—Actor Carl Weathers once played briefly for the Oakland Raiders in the late '60s. Had his football career been more successful, he might never have been Apollo Creed in the Rocky flicks...
—Here's a couple that aren't really "what-might-have-beens", but are kinda interesting, anyway. Even though the movie was a bomb, was there not a more brilliant piece of Hollywood film casting than Shelly Duvall as Olive Oyl in Popeye? You’ll rarely find such a dead ringer for a cartoon character than her!...By the way, Shelly Duvall and Robert Duvall are NOT related—I always assumed they were father and daughter...Also, Carol Channing and Stockard Channing aren’t related either, as I once assumed—the latter took her last name from her first marriage, and Stockard is actually her maiden name. Be my guest—impress your friends with some trivia!
—For starters, could you possibly imagine Gene Hackman as Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch"? It almost happened, but they chose Robert Reed over Gene, a move that I’m sure the Hack Man is eternally grateful for! If Hackman was Mike Brady, chances are he wouldn’t have done French Connection in ’71, and so on down the line, his career path would have been different. Just as well anyway, since Robert Reed was apparently far more comfortable with being "busy with three boys of his own." Sorry, I’m SO bad…
—Carroll O’Connor was nearly cast as The Skipper on "Gilligan’s Island". While I can kinda-sorta picture him in that role, I’m glad he didn’t get it because 1) Alan Hale made the perfect Skipper, and 2) I doubt seriously if O’Connor would ever have been Archie Bunker after doing "Gilligan"—no one else from that show ever got any serious roles again. I can’t even begin to imagine anyone besides Carroll O’Connor playing A. Bunker, can you?
—Before Harrison Ford got the part of Han Solo in Star Wars, Burt Reynolds turned it down. Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte were also considered for it, but were turned down. Singer Terri Nunn of the band Berlin also auditioned for Princess Leia before being aced out by Carrie Fisher, and William Katt of "Greatest American Hero" fame was up for Luke Skywalker at one point. I think George Lucas made the right choices, there…
—Nolte was also considered for Clark Kent/Superman before Christopher Reeve got the signature role of his career. Just as well—there was no place for Nolte to stash his flask in those blue tights!
—It’s entirely possible we might have had Crosby, Somebody Else and Nash. Singer Stephen Stills auditioned for "The Monkees" and was rejected. He was good buds at the time with one Peter Tork, and told him about the audition, and Pete went down and gave it a shot, and the rest is history.
—John Travolta has made as many bad career moves as he has good ones. He turned down the leads in American Gigolo and An Officer & A Gentleman—roles that both went to Richard Gere, and he turned down the lead in Splash that went to Tom Hanks. Travolta’s a lucky bastard, tho—he keeps resurfacing just when you think his career is toast.
—Phoebe Cates was rejected for a role, but gained a husband in the process. She read for the role of Chloe in The Big Chill that went to Meg Tilly, but met her future husband Kevin Kline during her audition, much to the chagrin of my good friend Tom, who was fairly obsessed with Miss Cates back in the day! Can’t say I blame him, either. Sadly, her career never did recover from that Drop Dead Fred excrement.
—Molly Ringwald passed on lead roles in both Ghost and Pretty Woman. I truly wish she’d have taken the latter one—the world may have been spared from the totally underwhelming talents of Julia Roberts!
—And of course, there’s the legendary tale of how Buddy Ebsen lost out on being the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz because he was allergic to the silver face make-up. He thought his career was totally screwed, but fate intervened in 1961 and he moved in next to Mr. Drysdale and became forever-known as Jed Clampett.
—Singer Gordon Lightfoot once dated the infamous Cathy Smith, the woman who later shot up actor John Belushi with that lethal dose of cocaine and heroin in 1982. Luckily, Gord came to his senses and dropped the bitch like a bad habit. Eerie coincidence--Lightfoot shared the same stage with Belushi on "Saturday Night Live" in 1976.
—Actor Carl Weathers once played briefly for the Oakland Raiders in the late '60s. Had his football career been more successful, he might never have been Apollo Creed in the Rocky flicks...
—Here's a couple that aren't really "what-might-have-beens", but are kinda interesting, anyway. Even though the movie was a bomb, was there not a more brilliant piece of Hollywood film casting than Shelly Duvall as Olive Oyl in Popeye? You’ll rarely find such a dead ringer for a cartoon character than her!...By the way, Shelly Duvall and Robert Duvall are NOT related—I always assumed they were father and daughter...Also, Carol Channing and Stockard Channing aren’t related either, as I once assumed—the latter took her last name from her first marriage, and Stockard is actually her maiden name. Be my guest—impress your friends with some trivia!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
NO outs to go!
Those are the words of K.C. Royals play-by-play man Denny Matthews calling the final out of the 1985 World Series. Well, Mr. Matthews was today awarded the 2007 Ford C. Frick Award, and will be inducted into the announcer's wing at the Baseball Hall of Fame in July. I am quite pleased with this development, because no matter how sucky the Royals have been at times, Denny is the voice of everyone's summers around here, and he's so very deserving of this honor. It's refreshing to see a Hall of Fame get one right for a change, too!Denny has been with the Royals since Day One in 1969, and he's a good as they come as a baseball play-by-play man, although he's not well-known outside of the Midwest. I'm really surprised that the Hall didn't pass Denny over again this year—there were several other worthy finalists, including Seattle screamer Dave Niehaus, the White Sox' Hawk "He Gone" Harrelson and the late Dizzy Dean (who really WAS dizzy at times!).
Even though the Royals suck like a Hoover now, I always make it a point at least a couple times each summer to grab my radio and camp out under the stars on my patio with a few beers and listen to Denny do a Royals broadcast. He's like your favorite pair of shoes—so very comfortable! Some Royals fans have criticized Matthews for being too low-key, but I think that's a bunch of hooey. Yes, Denny is much more low-key (think Jack Buck) than the high-energy Niehaus (think Harry Caray), but there's nothing wrong with either style, really. Denny's not only a fine play-by-play man, but he can also make a rain delay enjoyable with the stories he tells. And fear not, Stacy, my friend—your boy Niehaus will get in the Hall soon too!
A hearty Royal Blue salute from yours truly to a Kansas City sports legend—this honor is long-overdue and well-deserved! Bravo, Dennis, bravo!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I read the news today, oh boy...
WAY TO GO, BIG DICK
Your VP Dick Cheney sez that the Democrats' attempt to thwart Dubya's Iraq troop surge plan "validates the Al-Quida strategy", yet it's okay for the Brits to withdraw 1,600 of their troops because he views that as a positive step. "I look at it and see it is actually an affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well," Dickie C. said. That's actually true—the insurgency in Iraq is booking along pretty nicely, ain't it?
You can question my patriotism all you want when I say this, but how the fuck did we get stuck with such incompetent boobs—not to mention out-and-out war mongers—running our country? Hate to say it, but we were sleeping at the wheel about seven years ago (myself included) when these horse's patoots took power, and even though I make jokes about this stuff, I don't mind telling you, I'm scared shitless sometimes about our future here, and this (literally) bloody administration can't end soon enough for me!
I THOUGHT REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO THOSE THINGS...
Republican Prez. candidate John McCain originally said when Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as Sec. Of Defense that he deserved America’s undying respect. This week, he sez that Rummy truly was a dummy—the worst Sec. Of Defense ever, no less. You don't say? I seem to remember a term certain Republicans/conservatives used to bandy about regarding this little phenomenon. Ohhhh, what the hell was it? Gimme a sec.—it’ll come to me… Oh yeah, I remember now—I believe it was "FLIP-FLOP!" Yeah, that was it—"Flip-flop." Funny, but I thought that was considered to be strictly a Democratic malady...
Meantime, McCain was about the only Republican I’d even remotely consider voting for in ’08 (sorry, Rudy G., I'll pass), but he’s losing me real quick by continuing to support Bush and his urge to surge. Talking out of both sides of his mouth ain’t helping his cause with me either…
SPEAKING OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES…
Ain't no way in hell I'm voting for Sen. Sam Brown-nose—er uh, Brownback from nextdoor in Kansas. This fucker will have the teaching of evolution stricken from public schools the nanosecond he gets elected, and then he'll party like it's 1899...
And Mitt Romney?!? Sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to vote for anyone named after catching equipment…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #11
"Born To Run"—BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND (1975) "Baby this town rips the bones from your back…" I swear, I thought he said, "It’s the balls on your back!" Whatever floats your boat, Brucie...
HERE COMES YOUR 19TH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN…
I've been refraining from weighing in on this whole Britney Spears thing so far because I was hoping the dust would settle, but just like with Anna Nicole, there's apparently no end in sight. However, I DO have a theory about her motivation for shaving her head: She was watching "Deal Or No Deal" and perhaps she noted how the Mr. Clean look revived Howie Mandel’s flagging career...
My question is why was/is she wearing that gawdawful blonde wig? She can afford any wig in the world, so why go with that $9.95 blue-light-special number that even Carol Channing wouldn’t go near? Sadly, it would appear that the proverbial cheese has indeed slipped off Britney's cracker. I kinda expected this sort of behavior out of Kelly Osbourne a couple years ago, but that hasn't materialized (yet)...
Once again, what a veritable ratings bonanza this month has been for the news media people!
Your VP Dick Cheney sez that the Democrats' attempt to thwart Dubya's Iraq troop surge plan "validates the Al-Quida strategy", yet it's okay for the Brits to withdraw 1,600 of their troops because he views that as a positive step. "I look at it and see it is actually an affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well," Dickie C. said. That's actually true—the insurgency in Iraq is booking along pretty nicely, ain't it?
You can question my patriotism all you want when I say this, but how the fuck did we get stuck with such incompetent boobs—not to mention out-and-out war mongers—running our country? Hate to say it, but we were sleeping at the wheel about seven years ago (myself included) when these horse's patoots took power, and even though I make jokes about this stuff, I don't mind telling you, I'm scared shitless sometimes about our future here, and this (literally) bloody administration can't end soon enough for me!
I THOUGHT REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO THOSE THINGS...
Republican Prez. candidate John McCain originally said when Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as Sec. Of Defense that he deserved America’s undying respect. This week, he sez that Rummy truly was a dummy—the worst Sec. Of Defense ever, no less. You don't say? I seem to remember a term certain Republicans/conservatives used to bandy about regarding this little phenomenon. Ohhhh, what the hell was it? Gimme a sec.—it’ll come to me… Oh yeah, I remember now—I believe it was "FLIP-FLOP!" Yeah, that was it—"Flip-flop." Funny, but I thought that was considered to be strictly a Democratic malady...
Meantime, McCain was about the only Republican I’d even remotely consider voting for in ’08 (sorry, Rudy G., I'll pass), but he’s losing me real quick by continuing to support Bush and his urge to surge. Talking out of both sides of his mouth ain’t helping his cause with me either…
SPEAKING OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES…
Ain't no way in hell I'm voting for Sen. Sam Brown-nose—er uh, Brownback from nextdoor in Kansas. This fucker will have the teaching of evolution stricken from public schools the nanosecond he gets elected, and then he'll party like it's 1899...
And Mitt Romney?!? Sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to vote for anyone named after catching equipment…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #11
"Born To Run"—BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND (1975) "Baby this town rips the bones from your back…" I swear, I thought he said, "It’s the balls on your back!" Whatever floats your boat, Brucie...
HERE COMES YOUR 19TH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN…
I've been refraining from weighing in on this whole Britney Spears thing so far because I was hoping the dust would settle, but just like with Anna Nicole, there's apparently no end in sight. However, I DO have a theory about her motivation for shaving her head: She was watching "Deal Or No Deal" and perhaps she noted how the Mr. Clean look revived Howie Mandel’s flagging career...
My question is why was/is she wearing that gawdawful blonde wig? She can afford any wig in the world, so why go with that $9.95 blue-light-special number that even Carol Channing wouldn’t go near? Sadly, it would appear that the proverbial cheese has indeed slipped off Britney's cracker. I kinda expected this sort of behavior out of Kelly Osbourne a couple years ago, but that hasn't materialized (yet)...
Once again, what a veritable ratings bonanza this month has been for the news media people!
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