Questionnaire: "How do you normally meet single women?"
Me: "Very infrequently."
Judd Hirsch: "You’re an outpatient at Riverdale Mental Hospital?"
Richard Mulligan: "At times."
(Teachers)
Sigmund Freud: "Are you paranoid?"
Jimmy Carter: "No, I’m a Baptist."
(Old comedy bit from the ‘70s)
Fred Scuttle: "Give me two pronouns."
Bob Todd: "Who, me?"
("Benny Hill Show")
Lt. Dan: "Gump, have you found Jesus?"
Forrest Gump: "Was I ‘spose to look for him?"
(Forrest Gump)
Quiz question: "What was Louis XIV responsible for?"
Skyler Fishhawk: "Louis XV."
(Shoe comic strip.)
Edith Bunker: "Not now, Archie, I ain’t in the mood."
Archie Bunker: "FOR WHAT?"
("All In The Family")
Bill Cosby: "Why did you and your wife have five children?"
"Because we did not want six."
Hawkeye Pierce: "Who gets an ‘A’ in fidelity?"
B.J. Hunnicutt: "RCA-Victor."
("M*A*S*H")
Junior High metal shop quiz question: "What device is used to create a grooved-seam?"
My longtime friend John Jefferies: "A seamstress."
Quiz question: "Name the five senses."
Skyler Fishhawk: "Sight, smell, touch, horse and common."
(Shoe comic strip.)
Benny Hill: "What kind of man marries another man?"
"A vicar."
("Benny Hill Show")
Charles Bronson: "Do you believe in Jesus?"
Terrified criminal with gun pointed at him: "Yes."
Charles Bronson: "You're gonna meet him..."
(Death Wish II)
Mary the housekeeper: "Do you like boiled mutton?"
Fred Sanford: "Does anybody?"
("Sanford And Son")
Quiz question: "Who said that the treatment of the American Indian is a national disgrace?"
Archie Bunker: "Geronimo?"
("All In The Family")
Mrs. Yogi Berra: "I saw ‘Dr. Zhivago’ yesterday."
Yogi Berra: "Geez, what’s the matter with you this time?"
Girl: "I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party..."
Guy: "Blow it out your ear, 'cause you work at Hardee's!"
("Instant Club Mix", Dead Milkmen song)
J.T. Walsh: "What does three up and three down mean to you?"
Robin Williams: "End of an inning."
(Good Morning, Vietnam)
Henry McGee: "How long has it been?"
Fred Scuttle: "Different lengths at different times, sir."
("Benny Hill Show")
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Up The Academy
I used to love watching award shows on TV when I was younger, but The Oscars are about the only one that I’ll go out of my way to watch anymore. The American Music Awards and the Grammies are a joke now (the latter has always been a joke), the Emmys honor nothing but HBO shows now, the Golden Globes are rendered redundant by the Oscars and the Emmys, and I don’t care about the Tonys, so to me the Oscars are really the only relevant awards show remaining. In a way, the Oscars have a Super Bowl-type quality about them that makes it fun to watch.
But before I comment on last night’s Academy Awards, let me turn on the TV and check to see if the damn ceremony is still going—nope, Ellen DeGeneres is gone, so I guess it finally did end! Good gravy, people—three hours and 45 minutes—there have been murder trials that didn’t last as long as this show! I watched pretty much the whole damn thing, but my attention span was severely tested throughout. When will the Academy people ever learn that bigger isn’t necessarily better? As usual, there were way too many film montages (the only one that’s necessary is the annual montage honoring those who passed away in the previous year), and way too much emphasis on foreign films (who actually gives a shit about these besides foreigners?) and the technical awards (Best Art Direction, for example). By the way—how does one go about "directing art"? "Okay, you, Mr. Painting—for this scene, all you gotta do is just hang there on the wall, and DON’T MOVE! Now, you, Mr. Statue—you just have to stand there, and again, DON’T MOVE!"
Getting back to the show, I’m sure all the conservatives out there were reaching for the smelling salts when Melissa Etheridge said, "I’d like to thank my wife…" during her acceptance speech (I loved it!), not to mention the wardrobe malfunction Jennifer Hudson damn near had during her performance with Beyonce—if she’d have leaned forward one more time, her right breast would have popped right out of that dress and millions of TiVos would have been busy! Then again, the conservatives probably didn’t bother to tune in to begin with, since "that damn Ellen DeGenerate" was the host. I was pretty underwhelmed by Ellen myself—I’ve never found her to be all that funny in the first place, and most of her staged attempts at humor just fell flat. As for the rest of the presentation, it wasn’t bad—if nothing else, it was kinda nice to not have to look at Johnny Depp all night, unlike last year. But at the risk of sounding like Bill O’Reilly and his ilk, I could have really done without the Al Gore lovefest and all the ass-kissing directed at him throughout the night, as if he’s suddenly some sort of beloved Hollywood icon. Gimme a fucking break already—up until Gore made this global warming documentary, he was nothing but a punchline in Hollywood. ‘Scuse me while I hurl…
As for the winners, this was one of the more interesting Oscar nights. Although I haven’t seen any of the nominated films yet, I was pleased to see some good people win Oscars, especially Martin Scorsese (The Aviator notwithstanding) and Forest Whitaker. I would never have bet good money on an "American Idol" contestant (Hudson) winning an Oscar, either. And even though my girl Kate Winslet didn’t win Best Actress, I was delighted that Meryl Streep didn’t win either for that Devil Wears Prada crapfest.
Memo to the Academy for next year: How about considering Jerry Seinfeld to be the host? His bit last night about cleaning up after ourselves in movie theaters was ten times funnier than anything DeGeneres did, and he seems like a perfect fit for the job. And please do us all a favor and to try and lop off about an hour’s worth of stuff for next year’s ceremony, mmm-kay? These yearly rituals are getting to be more interminable than Super Bowl pre-game shows…
But before I comment on last night’s Academy Awards, let me turn on the TV and check to see if the damn ceremony is still going—nope, Ellen DeGeneres is gone, so I guess it finally did end! Good gravy, people—three hours and 45 minutes—there have been murder trials that didn’t last as long as this show! I watched pretty much the whole damn thing, but my attention span was severely tested throughout. When will the Academy people ever learn that bigger isn’t necessarily better? As usual, there were way too many film montages (the only one that’s necessary is the annual montage honoring those who passed away in the previous year), and way too much emphasis on foreign films (who actually gives a shit about these besides foreigners?) and the technical awards (Best Art Direction, for example). By the way—how does one go about "directing art"? "Okay, you, Mr. Painting—for this scene, all you gotta do is just hang there on the wall, and DON’T MOVE! Now, you, Mr. Statue—you just have to stand there, and again, DON’T MOVE!"
Getting back to the show, I’m sure all the conservatives out there were reaching for the smelling salts when Melissa Etheridge said, "I’d like to thank my wife…" during her acceptance speech (I loved it!), not to mention the wardrobe malfunction Jennifer Hudson damn near had during her performance with Beyonce—if she’d have leaned forward one more time, her right breast would have popped right out of that dress and millions of TiVos would have been busy! Then again, the conservatives probably didn’t bother to tune in to begin with, since "that damn Ellen DeGenerate" was the host. I was pretty underwhelmed by Ellen myself—I’ve never found her to be all that funny in the first place, and most of her staged attempts at humor just fell flat. As for the rest of the presentation, it wasn’t bad—if nothing else, it was kinda nice to not have to look at Johnny Depp all night, unlike last year. But at the risk of sounding like Bill O’Reilly and his ilk, I could have really done without the Al Gore lovefest and all the ass-kissing directed at him throughout the night, as if he’s suddenly some sort of beloved Hollywood icon. Gimme a fucking break already—up until Gore made this global warming documentary, he was nothing but a punchline in Hollywood. ‘Scuse me while I hurl…
As for the winners, this was one of the more interesting Oscar nights. Although I haven’t seen any of the nominated films yet, I was pleased to see some good people win Oscars, especially Martin Scorsese (The Aviator notwithstanding) and Forest Whitaker. I would never have bet good money on an "American Idol" contestant (Hudson) winning an Oscar, either. And even though my girl Kate Winslet didn’t win Best Actress, I was delighted that Meryl Streep didn’t win either for that Devil Wears Prada crapfest.
Memo to the Academy for next year: How about considering Jerry Seinfeld to be the host? His bit last night about cleaning up after ourselves in movie theaters was ten times funnier than anything DeGeneres did, and he seems like a perfect fit for the job. And please do us all a favor and to try and lop off about an hour’s worth of stuff for next year’s ceremony, mmm-kay? These yearly rituals are getting to be more interminable than Super Bowl pre-game shows…
Saturday, February 24, 2007
The 20 Most Underrated Movies of All-Time
Since I did the 30 Most Overrated Movies last week, it's only fair that I give the underrated ones equal time. Sadly, I could only come up with 20 instead of 30…
1) Teachers (1984) Nice ensemble cast here—I really liked Nick Nolte in this one, as well as Laura Dern, and even the usually-annoying Ralph Macchio and Crispin Glover weren’t bad. A young Morgan Freeman also has a small role here. However, it was the late Richard Mulligan (of "Soap" and "Empty Nest" fame) who really stole the show playing the mental hospital outpatient posing as a substitute teacher—he was more qualified to teach than any of the stiffs the Raytown School District ever hired! Nolte also perfectly played one of those cool teachers you wanted to have in high school, and this was not a bad story either, with several good subplots. The only true horror was the totally unnecessary trumped-up piece of symbolism of JoBeth Williams not being "afraid to walk naked down the halls". I normally love seeing a woman take her clothes off in a movie, but in the words of the late Benny Hill, "If she hadn’t been blessed with those two warts on her chest, she would have no figure at all…" Hell, I have bigger breasts than JoBeth Williams does! She does have better legs than me, though…
2) The Hollywood Knights (1980) This one’s a guilty pleasure for me—I loved watching it on Friday nights on Cinemax back in the ‘80s. It’s sorta of a poor man’s American Graffiti crossed with a bit of Animal House, but it’s not a bad little movie, in spite of having Tony Danza in it. Great ‘60s soundtrack too, and you’ll never hear the song "Volare" again without thinking of Newbomb Turk! Those of you who’ve seen it know precisely what I mean…
3) Awakenings (1990) A highly-regarded film, yes, but not nearly high enough, in my opinion. Where were the Oscars for this one?!? DeNiro certainly should have gotten one—that had to be a challenge for him to pull off all the physical movements and still be convincing. And Robin Williams was phenomenal in a very understated role—he’s become such a good dramatic actor that apart from Good Morning, Vietnam, World According To Garp and Mrs. Doubtfire, it’s strangely ironic how mediocre his comedy films are. I also liked director Penny Marshall’s attention to detail in recreating the era the story took place in, even in the scenes where Williams and DeNiro are driving around town—it looked and felt like 1969, right down to Dr. Sayer’s Plymouth Valiant! Penelope Ann Miller—a rather underrated redhead, even by my standards—was pretty good here too.
4) The Shawshank Redemption (1994) Even though it’s highly-regarded, I still consider it underrated anyway—what a nifty freakin’ movie! Great plot, with plenty of twists and turns, and Morgan Freeman was terrific in this one. Tim Robbins was pretty good here too. Sorry, all you conservatives out there…
5) Last American Virgin (1983) This one was unfairly lumped in with all the other horny teen sex farce movies of the ‘80s (like Class, Private School, et al), but it’s worth another look if you passed on it the first time. LAV has a good storyline and features the lovely Diane Franklin (Monique in Better Off Dead), plus a surprise ending that sets it apart from those other flicks of its genre.
6) Better Off Dead (1984) John Cusack disses this movie now, claiming that it made him look foolish, but I beg to differ—this thing was damn funny in places. The Japanese guy talking like Howard Cosell, and the animated hamburger imitating Eddie Van Halen, not to mention the running gag with the paper boy ("I want my TWO DOLLARS!")—that was funny stuff! And what guy wouldn’t have loved to take those "language lessons" with Monique? Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir? Oui, oui!
7) World Trade Center (2006) When I heard Oliver Stone was directing this, I was immediately skeptical, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t get one right for a change. Remarkably restrained (especially for him), it told the story of two firefighters trapped in the rubble in a very uplifting way. Even Nicolas Cage was good here. Well worth a look, if you passed on it because you thought it would be too depressing.
8) Dead Poets Society (1989) Even though it starred Robin Williams, the first time I saw this one, I got bored and gave up halfway through. To use a term from the movie itself, I thought it was "excrement", but I checked it out again some years later, and found it to be a pretty good film after all. Williams was once again very subdued here, but very believable too. What I still find rather unbelievable is that horny teenage boys in the ‘50s would be all that interested in poetry as a hobby, but it was a good story anyway. Carpe diem, captain, my captain!
9) A League Of Their Own (1992) Another highly-regarded film, yes, but I include it here because I think Tom Hanks should have gotten an Oscar nomination for playing the loutish Jimmy Dugan. Hanks usually plays the heroic good-guy character, and this was the first time he showed his range by playing a real horse’s ass, yet he made the guy lovable anyway. I love it when he comes out and waves his cap to the crowd at the first game, all the while muttering, "That’s right—kiss my hairy ass!" Oh yeah, the rest of the movie was pretty good too. Even Rosie O’Donnell gets high marks from me—for the first and probably only time in a movie! Madonna too, for that matter. Penny Marshall has turned into a helluva director, too—she’s far better at directing than singing…
10) Mask (1984) Now this is the film that Cher should have gotten an Oscar for instead of Moonstruck! She was excellent playing the drug-addict mother to Eric Stoltz’s disfigured Rocky character. Stoltz was brilliant too, as was the underrated Sam Elliott playing Gar the biker dude/father figure. Loved Laura Dern as the blind girl also. The scene where she says, "I’ve never understood colors" and Rocky hands her different items of varying temperatures to convey the various colors was really cool. It never occurred to me before that how colors mean absolutely nothing to blind people. See? In spite of what most Replublicans will tell you, you CAN learn something from movies now and then!
11) Ed Wood (1994) Probably the only movie I ever liked Johnny Depp in, it tells the story of infamous film director Ed Wood, the man who brought us Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen Or Glenda. Eddie was a couple fries shy of a Happy Meal, and this movie is a real hoot.
12) Full Metal Jacket (1987) Jesus H. Christ! R. Lee Ermey’s drill sergeant bit in the boot camp portion of the movie is the stuff of legends. You hated the som-bitch so much, but he was so fucking funny with the insults that you loved him at the same time. Example: "How tall are you? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!" The second half of the movie is a bit more mundane, but it’s worth watching for the first 45 minutes alone.
13) Light Sleeper (1992) Ironically, I caught this film late one night on cable when I couldn’t sleep! Great movie that flew under the radar, it starred Willem Dafoe (one of my favorite actors), as an insomniac drug courier with a conscience who wants to get out of the business run by drug dealer Susan Saran-Wrap—er uh, Sarandon. Dana Delaney from "China Beach" (another favorite actress of mine) was excellent here too. It reminded me a bit of Pulp Fiction only minus most of the gory violence, and it was very atmospheric in places.
14) Mississippi Burning (1988) I let this one pass me by when it first came out, but it’s a damn good movie. Willem Dafoe and Gene Hackman were great in this story about Civil Rights and racism in the ‘60s. Even "Hee Haw" regular Gaylard Sartain made a convincing enough redneck bigot sheriff here. And I loved seeing those Ford Galaxie 500s and other old-school cars of that era.
15) Young Doctors In Love (1982) Great soap opera spoof that took advantage of the wave of popularity caused by the whole "General Hospital" Luke & Laura thing. Totally silly plot, but very funny in places, and I’m sure many black people take great delight in watching the mob hit man played by Michael Richards doing himself in numerous times—shades of Wile E. Coyote! And if the "Philadelphia Fucking Philharmonic" ever comes to town, check ‘em out!
16) Sixteen Candles (1984) This one gets better and better every time I watch it. The Long Duk Dong bits alone ("Donger need food!") are priceless, and who better to play a geek than a geek like Michael Anthony Hall?
17) What’s Up, Doc? (1971) One of the few movies that I actually liked Barbra Streisand in! The chase scene near the end of the movie is a total hoot.
18) That Thing You Do! (1996) Since Tom Hanks directed as well as starred in it, he didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with the rest of the cast in this film about a fictitious ‘60s Rock group that makes the big-time. This was one of Liv Tyler’s better performances too.
19) Men Don’t Leave (1990) I didn’t like the main plot involving Jessica Lange in this one half as much as I loved the subplot involving Joan Cusack playing a young nurse who kinda sorta seduces Lange’s teenage son. Not the prettiest girl in the world, but there have been times when Joan was an absolute babe to me, and this was one of them—she is a redhead, after all. She was cute in Working Girl and Broadcast News too. Regrettably, the older she gets, the goofier she gets, and I find it sad that she feels the need to resort to hawking cell phones on TV now.
20) Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams (1981) Probably the best of C&C's "Pedro & Man" movies, and the scene with Cheech scooting around on the floor in the straight jacket screaming, "Somebody PLEEEEASE scratch my balls!!!" just kills me! I also liked it when that druggie chick thought Chong was Jerry Garcia, and Cheech chimed in with, "Hey, I’m Santana, man!"
1) Teachers (1984) Nice ensemble cast here—I really liked Nick Nolte in this one, as well as Laura Dern, and even the usually-annoying Ralph Macchio and Crispin Glover weren’t bad. A young Morgan Freeman also has a small role here. However, it was the late Richard Mulligan (of "Soap" and "Empty Nest" fame) who really stole the show playing the mental hospital outpatient posing as a substitute teacher—he was more qualified to teach than any of the stiffs the Raytown School District ever hired! Nolte also perfectly played one of those cool teachers you wanted to have in high school, and this was not a bad story either, with several good subplots. The only true horror was the totally unnecessary trumped-up piece of symbolism of JoBeth Williams not being "afraid to walk naked down the halls". I normally love seeing a woman take her clothes off in a movie, but in the words of the late Benny Hill, "If she hadn’t been blessed with those two warts on her chest, she would have no figure at all…" Hell, I have bigger breasts than JoBeth Williams does! She does have better legs than me, though…
2) The Hollywood Knights (1980) This one’s a guilty pleasure for me—I loved watching it on Friday nights on Cinemax back in the ‘80s. It’s sorta of a poor man’s American Graffiti crossed with a bit of Animal House, but it’s not a bad little movie, in spite of having Tony Danza in it. Great ‘60s soundtrack too, and you’ll never hear the song "Volare" again without thinking of Newbomb Turk! Those of you who’ve seen it know precisely what I mean…
3) Awakenings (1990) A highly-regarded film, yes, but not nearly high enough, in my opinion. Where were the Oscars for this one?!? DeNiro certainly should have gotten one—that had to be a challenge for him to pull off all the physical movements and still be convincing. And Robin Williams was phenomenal in a very understated role—he’s become such a good dramatic actor that apart from Good Morning, Vietnam, World According To Garp and Mrs. Doubtfire, it’s strangely ironic how mediocre his comedy films are. I also liked director Penny Marshall’s attention to detail in recreating the era the story took place in, even in the scenes where Williams and DeNiro are driving around town—it looked and felt like 1969, right down to Dr. Sayer’s Plymouth Valiant! Penelope Ann Miller—a rather underrated redhead, even by my standards—was pretty good here too.
4) The Shawshank Redemption (1994) Even though it’s highly-regarded, I still consider it underrated anyway—what a nifty freakin’ movie! Great plot, with plenty of twists and turns, and Morgan Freeman was terrific in this one. Tim Robbins was pretty good here too. Sorry, all you conservatives out there…
5) Last American Virgin (1983) This one was unfairly lumped in with all the other horny teen sex farce movies of the ‘80s (like Class, Private School, et al), but it’s worth another look if you passed on it the first time. LAV has a good storyline and features the lovely Diane Franklin (Monique in Better Off Dead), plus a surprise ending that sets it apart from those other flicks of its genre.
6) Better Off Dead (1984) John Cusack disses this movie now, claiming that it made him look foolish, but I beg to differ—this thing was damn funny in places. The Japanese guy talking like Howard Cosell, and the animated hamburger imitating Eddie Van Halen, not to mention the running gag with the paper boy ("I want my TWO DOLLARS!")—that was funny stuff! And what guy wouldn’t have loved to take those "language lessons" with Monique? Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir? Oui, oui!
7) World Trade Center (2006) When I heard Oliver Stone was directing this, I was immediately skeptical, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t get one right for a change. Remarkably restrained (especially for him), it told the story of two firefighters trapped in the rubble in a very uplifting way. Even Nicolas Cage was good here. Well worth a look, if you passed on it because you thought it would be too depressing.
8) Dead Poets Society (1989) Even though it starred Robin Williams, the first time I saw this one, I got bored and gave up halfway through. To use a term from the movie itself, I thought it was "excrement", but I checked it out again some years later, and found it to be a pretty good film after all. Williams was once again very subdued here, but very believable too. What I still find rather unbelievable is that horny teenage boys in the ‘50s would be all that interested in poetry as a hobby, but it was a good story anyway. Carpe diem, captain, my captain!
9) A League Of Their Own (1992) Another highly-regarded film, yes, but I include it here because I think Tom Hanks should have gotten an Oscar nomination for playing the loutish Jimmy Dugan. Hanks usually plays the heroic good-guy character, and this was the first time he showed his range by playing a real horse’s ass, yet he made the guy lovable anyway. I love it when he comes out and waves his cap to the crowd at the first game, all the while muttering, "That’s right—kiss my hairy ass!" Oh yeah, the rest of the movie was pretty good too. Even Rosie O’Donnell gets high marks from me—for the first and probably only time in a movie! Madonna too, for that matter. Penny Marshall has turned into a helluva director, too—she’s far better at directing than singing…
10) Mask (1984) Now this is the film that Cher should have gotten an Oscar for instead of Moonstruck! She was excellent playing the drug-addict mother to Eric Stoltz’s disfigured Rocky character. Stoltz was brilliant too, as was the underrated Sam Elliott playing Gar the biker dude/father figure. Loved Laura Dern as the blind girl also. The scene where she says, "I’ve never understood colors" and Rocky hands her different items of varying temperatures to convey the various colors was really cool. It never occurred to me before that how colors mean absolutely nothing to blind people. See? In spite of what most Replublicans will tell you, you CAN learn something from movies now and then!
11) Ed Wood (1994) Probably the only movie I ever liked Johnny Depp in, it tells the story of infamous film director Ed Wood, the man who brought us Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen Or Glenda. Eddie was a couple fries shy of a Happy Meal, and this movie is a real hoot.
12) Full Metal Jacket (1987) Jesus H. Christ! R. Lee Ermey’s drill sergeant bit in the boot camp portion of the movie is the stuff of legends. You hated the som-bitch so much, but he was so fucking funny with the insults that you loved him at the same time. Example: "How tall are you? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!" The second half of the movie is a bit more mundane, but it’s worth watching for the first 45 minutes alone.
13) Light Sleeper (1992) Ironically, I caught this film late one night on cable when I couldn’t sleep! Great movie that flew under the radar, it starred Willem Dafoe (one of my favorite actors), as an insomniac drug courier with a conscience who wants to get out of the business run by drug dealer Susan Saran-Wrap—er uh, Sarandon. Dana Delaney from "China Beach" (another favorite actress of mine) was excellent here too. It reminded me a bit of Pulp Fiction only minus most of the gory violence, and it was very atmospheric in places.
14) Mississippi Burning (1988) I let this one pass me by when it first came out, but it’s a damn good movie. Willem Dafoe and Gene Hackman were great in this story about Civil Rights and racism in the ‘60s. Even "Hee Haw" regular Gaylard Sartain made a convincing enough redneck bigot sheriff here. And I loved seeing those Ford Galaxie 500s and other old-school cars of that era.
15) Young Doctors In Love (1982) Great soap opera spoof that took advantage of the wave of popularity caused by the whole "General Hospital" Luke & Laura thing. Totally silly plot, but very funny in places, and I’m sure many black people take great delight in watching the mob hit man played by Michael Richards doing himself in numerous times—shades of Wile E. Coyote! And if the "Philadelphia Fucking Philharmonic" ever comes to town, check ‘em out!
16) Sixteen Candles (1984) This one gets better and better every time I watch it. The Long Duk Dong bits alone ("Donger need food!") are priceless, and who better to play a geek than a geek like Michael Anthony Hall?
17) What’s Up, Doc? (1971) One of the few movies that I actually liked Barbra Streisand in! The chase scene near the end of the movie is a total hoot.
18) That Thing You Do! (1996) Since Tom Hanks directed as well as starred in it, he didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with the rest of the cast in this film about a fictitious ‘60s Rock group that makes the big-time. This was one of Liv Tyler’s better performances too.
19) Men Don’t Leave (1990) I didn’t like the main plot involving Jessica Lange in this one half as much as I loved the subplot involving Joan Cusack playing a young nurse who kinda sorta seduces Lange’s teenage son. Not the prettiest girl in the world, but there have been times when Joan was an absolute babe to me, and this was one of them—she is a redhead, after all. She was cute in Working Girl and Broadcast News too. Regrettably, the older she gets, the goofier she gets, and I find it sad that she feels the need to resort to hawking cell phones on TV now.
20) Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams (1981) Probably the best of C&C's "Pedro & Man" movies, and the scene with Cheech scooting around on the floor in the straight jacket screaming, "Somebody PLEEEEASE scratch my balls!!!" just kills me! I also liked it when that druggie chick thought Chong was Jerry Garcia, and Cheech chimed in with, "Hey, I’m Santana, man!"
What Might Have Been... Vol. I
I’ve been compiling a listing of actors who were considered for and/or turned down certain movie and TV roles, which I’ll feature from time to time as I unearth them. It’s fascinating to see how popular history would have been altered in unfathomable ways if certain critical choices hadn’t been made by casting directors and/or the actors themselves.
—For starters, could you possibly imagine Gene Hackman as Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch"? It almost happened, but they chose Robert Reed over Gene, a move that I’m sure the Hack Man is eternally grateful for! If Hackman was Mike Brady, chances are he wouldn’t have done French Connection in ’71, and so on down the line, his career path would have been different. Just as well anyway, since Robert Reed was apparently far more comfortable with being "busy with three boys of his own." Sorry, I’m SO bad…
—Carroll O’Connor was nearly cast as The Skipper on "Gilligan’s Island". While I can kinda-sorta picture him in that role, I’m glad he didn’t get it because 1) Alan Hale made the perfect Skipper, and 2) I doubt seriously if O’Connor would ever have been Archie Bunker after doing "Gilligan"—no one else from that show ever got any serious roles again. I can’t even begin to imagine anyone besides Carroll O’Connor playing A. Bunker, can you?
—Before Harrison Ford got the part of Han Solo in Star Wars, Burt Reynolds turned it down. Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte were also considered for it, but were turned down. Singer Terri Nunn of the band Berlin also auditioned for Princess Leia before being aced out by Carrie Fisher, and William Katt of "Greatest American Hero" fame was up for Luke Skywalker at one point. I think George Lucas made the right choices, there…
—Nolte was also considered for Clark Kent/Superman before Christopher Reeve got the signature role of his career. Just as well—there was no place for Nolte to stash his flask in those blue tights!
—It’s entirely possible we might have had Crosby, Somebody Else and Nash. Singer Stephen Stills auditioned for "The Monkees" and was rejected. He was good buds at the time with one Peter Tork, and told him about the audition, and Pete went down and gave it a shot, and the rest is history.
—John Travolta has made as many bad career moves as he has good ones. He turned down the leads in American Gigolo and An Officer & A Gentleman—roles that both went to Richard Gere, and he turned down the lead in Splash that went to Tom Hanks. Travolta’s a lucky bastard, tho—he keeps resurfacing just when you think his career is toast.
—Phoebe Cates was rejected for a role, but gained a husband in the process. She read for the role of Chloe in The Big Chill that went to Meg Tilly, but met her future husband Kevin Kline during her audition, much to the chagrin of my good friend Tom, who was fairly obsessed with Miss Cates back in the day! Can’t say I blame him, either. Sadly, her career never did recover from that Drop Dead Fred excrement.
—Molly Ringwald passed on lead roles in both Ghost and Pretty Woman. I truly wish she’d have taken the latter one—the world may have been spared from the totally underwhelming talents of Julia Roberts!
—And of course, there’s the legendary tale of how Buddy Ebsen lost out on being the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz because he was allergic to the silver face make-up. He thought his career was totally screwed, but fate intervened in 1961 and he moved in next to Mr. Drysdale and became forever-known as Jed Clampett.
—Singer Gordon Lightfoot once dated the infamous Cathy Smith, the woman who later shot up actor John Belushi with that lethal dose of cocaine and heroin in 1982. Luckily, Gord came to his senses and dropped the bitch like a bad habit. Eerie coincidence--Lightfoot shared the same stage with Belushi on "Saturday Night Live" in 1976.
—Actor Carl Weathers once played briefly for the Oakland Raiders in the late '60s. Had his football career been more successful, he might never have been Apollo Creed in the Rocky flicks...
—Here's a couple that aren't really "what-might-have-beens", but are kinda interesting, anyway. Even though the movie was a bomb, was there not a more brilliant piece of Hollywood film casting than Shelly Duvall as Olive Oyl in Popeye? You’ll rarely find such a dead ringer for a cartoon character than her!...By the way, Shelly Duvall and Robert Duvall are NOT related—I always assumed they were father and daughter...Also, Carol Channing and Stockard Channing aren’t related either, as I once assumed—the latter took her last name from her first marriage, and Stockard is actually her maiden name. Be my guest—impress your friends with some trivia!
—For starters, could you possibly imagine Gene Hackman as Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch"? It almost happened, but they chose Robert Reed over Gene, a move that I’m sure the Hack Man is eternally grateful for! If Hackman was Mike Brady, chances are he wouldn’t have done French Connection in ’71, and so on down the line, his career path would have been different. Just as well anyway, since Robert Reed was apparently far more comfortable with being "busy with three boys of his own." Sorry, I’m SO bad…
—Carroll O’Connor was nearly cast as The Skipper on "Gilligan’s Island". While I can kinda-sorta picture him in that role, I’m glad he didn’t get it because 1) Alan Hale made the perfect Skipper, and 2) I doubt seriously if O’Connor would ever have been Archie Bunker after doing "Gilligan"—no one else from that show ever got any serious roles again. I can’t even begin to imagine anyone besides Carroll O’Connor playing A. Bunker, can you?
—Before Harrison Ford got the part of Han Solo in Star Wars, Burt Reynolds turned it down. Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte were also considered for it, but were turned down. Singer Terri Nunn of the band Berlin also auditioned for Princess Leia before being aced out by Carrie Fisher, and William Katt of "Greatest American Hero" fame was up for Luke Skywalker at one point. I think George Lucas made the right choices, there…
—Nolte was also considered for Clark Kent/Superman before Christopher Reeve got the signature role of his career. Just as well—there was no place for Nolte to stash his flask in those blue tights!
—It’s entirely possible we might have had Crosby, Somebody Else and Nash. Singer Stephen Stills auditioned for "The Monkees" and was rejected. He was good buds at the time with one Peter Tork, and told him about the audition, and Pete went down and gave it a shot, and the rest is history.
—John Travolta has made as many bad career moves as he has good ones. He turned down the leads in American Gigolo and An Officer & A Gentleman—roles that both went to Richard Gere, and he turned down the lead in Splash that went to Tom Hanks. Travolta’s a lucky bastard, tho—he keeps resurfacing just when you think his career is toast.
—Phoebe Cates was rejected for a role, but gained a husband in the process. She read for the role of Chloe in The Big Chill that went to Meg Tilly, but met her future husband Kevin Kline during her audition, much to the chagrin of my good friend Tom, who was fairly obsessed with Miss Cates back in the day! Can’t say I blame him, either. Sadly, her career never did recover from that Drop Dead Fred excrement.
—Molly Ringwald passed on lead roles in both Ghost and Pretty Woman. I truly wish she’d have taken the latter one—the world may have been spared from the totally underwhelming talents of Julia Roberts!
—And of course, there’s the legendary tale of how Buddy Ebsen lost out on being the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz because he was allergic to the silver face make-up. He thought his career was totally screwed, but fate intervened in 1961 and he moved in next to Mr. Drysdale and became forever-known as Jed Clampett.
—Singer Gordon Lightfoot once dated the infamous Cathy Smith, the woman who later shot up actor John Belushi with that lethal dose of cocaine and heroin in 1982. Luckily, Gord came to his senses and dropped the bitch like a bad habit. Eerie coincidence--Lightfoot shared the same stage with Belushi on "Saturday Night Live" in 1976.
—Actor Carl Weathers once played briefly for the Oakland Raiders in the late '60s. Had his football career been more successful, he might never have been Apollo Creed in the Rocky flicks...
—Here's a couple that aren't really "what-might-have-beens", but are kinda interesting, anyway. Even though the movie was a bomb, was there not a more brilliant piece of Hollywood film casting than Shelly Duvall as Olive Oyl in Popeye? You’ll rarely find such a dead ringer for a cartoon character than her!...By the way, Shelly Duvall and Robert Duvall are NOT related—I always assumed they were father and daughter...Also, Carol Channing and Stockard Channing aren’t related either, as I once assumed—the latter took her last name from her first marriage, and Stockard is actually her maiden name. Be my guest—impress your friends with some trivia!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
NO outs to go!
Those are the words of K.C. Royals play-by-play man Denny Matthews calling the final out of the 1985 World Series. Well, Mr. Matthews was today awarded the 2007 Ford C. Frick Award, and will be inducted into the announcer's wing at the Baseball Hall of Fame in July. I am quite pleased with this development, because no matter how sucky the Royals have been at times, Denny is the voice of everyone's summers around here, and he's so very deserving of this honor. It's refreshing to see a Hall of Fame get one right for a change, too!Denny has been with the Royals since Day One in 1969, and he's a good as they come as a baseball play-by-play man, although he's not well-known outside of the Midwest. I'm really surprised that the Hall didn't pass Denny over again this year—there were several other worthy finalists, including Seattle screamer Dave Niehaus, the White Sox' Hawk "He Gone" Harrelson and the late Dizzy Dean (who really WAS dizzy at times!).
Even though the Royals suck like a Hoover now, I always make it a point at least a couple times each summer to grab my radio and camp out under the stars on my patio with a few beers and listen to Denny do a Royals broadcast. He's like your favorite pair of shoes—so very comfortable! Some Royals fans have criticized Matthews for being too low-key, but I think that's a bunch of hooey. Yes, Denny is much more low-key (think Jack Buck) than the high-energy Niehaus (think Harry Caray), but there's nothing wrong with either style, really. Denny's not only a fine play-by-play man, but he can also make a rain delay enjoyable with the stories he tells. And fear not, Stacy, my friend—your boy Niehaus will get in the Hall soon too!
A hearty Royal Blue salute from yours truly to a Kansas City sports legend—this honor is long-overdue and well-deserved! Bravo, Dennis, bravo!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
I read the news today, oh boy...
WAY TO GO, BIG DICK
Your VP Dick Cheney sez that the Democrats' attempt to thwart Dubya's Iraq troop surge plan "validates the Al-Quida strategy", yet it's okay for the Brits to withdraw 1,600 of their troops because he views that as a positive step. "I look at it and see it is actually an affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well," Dickie C. said. That's actually true—the insurgency in Iraq is booking along pretty nicely, ain't it?
You can question my patriotism all you want when I say this, but how the fuck did we get stuck with such incompetent boobs—not to mention out-and-out war mongers—running our country? Hate to say it, but we were sleeping at the wheel about seven years ago (myself included) when these horse's patoots took power, and even though I make jokes about this stuff, I don't mind telling you, I'm scared shitless sometimes about our future here, and this (literally) bloody administration can't end soon enough for me!
I THOUGHT REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO THOSE THINGS...
Republican Prez. candidate John McCain originally said when Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as Sec. Of Defense that he deserved America’s undying respect. This week, he sez that Rummy truly was a dummy—the worst Sec. Of Defense ever, no less. You don't say? I seem to remember a term certain Republicans/conservatives used to bandy about regarding this little phenomenon. Ohhhh, what the hell was it? Gimme a sec.—it’ll come to me… Oh yeah, I remember now—I believe it was "FLIP-FLOP!" Yeah, that was it—"Flip-flop." Funny, but I thought that was considered to be strictly a Democratic malady...
Meantime, McCain was about the only Republican I’d even remotely consider voting for in ’08 (sorry, Rudy G., I'll pass), but he’s losing me real quick by continuing to support Bush and his urge to surge. Talking out of both sides of his mouth ain’t helping his cause with me either…
SPEAKING OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES…
Ain't no way in hell I'm voting for Sen. Sam Brown-nose—er uh, Brownback from nextdoor in Kansas. This fucker will have the teaching of evolution stricken from public schools the nanosecond he gets elected, and then he'll party like it's 1899...
And Mitt Romney?!? Sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to vote for anyone named after catching equipment…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #11
"Born To Run"—BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND (1975) "Baby this town rips the bones from your back…" I swear, I thought he said, "It’s the balls on your back!" Whatever floats your boat, Brucie...
HERE COMES YOUR 19TH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN…
I've been refraining from weighing in on this whole Britney Spears thing so far because I was hoping the dust would settle, but just like with Anna Nicole, there's apparently no end in sight. However, I DO have a theory about her motivation for shaving her head: She was watching "Deal Or No Deal" and perhaps she noted how the Mr. Clean look revived Howie Mandel’s flagging career...
My question is why was/is she wearing that gawdawful blonde wig? She can afford any wig in the world, so why go with that $9.95 blue-light-special number that even Carol Channing wouldn’t go near? Sadly, it would appear that the proverbial cheese has indeed slipped off Britney's cracker. I kinda expected this sort of behavior out of Kelly Osbourne a couple years ago, but that hasn't materialized (yet)...
Once again, what a veritable ratings bonanza this month has been for the news media people!
Your VP Dick Cheney sez that the Democrats' attempt to thwart Dubya's Iraq troop surge plan "validates the Al-Quida strategy", yet it's okay for the Brits to withdraw 1,600 of their troops because he views that as a positive step. "I look at it and see it is actually an affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well," Dickie C. said. That's actually true—the insurgency in Iraq is booking along pretty nicely, ain't it?
You can question my patriotism all you want when I say this, but how the fuck did we get stuck with such incompetent boobs—not to mention out-and-out war mongers—running our country? Hate to say it, but we were sleeping at the wheel about seven years ago (myself included) when these horse's patoots took power, and even though I make jokes about this stuff, I don't mind telling you, I'm scared shitless sometimes about our future here, and this (literally) bloody administration can't end soon enough for me!
I THOUGHT REPUBLICANS DIDN'T DO THOSE THINGS...
Republican Prez. candidate John McCain originally said when Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as Sec. Of Defense that he deserved America’s undying respect. This week, he sez that Rummy truly was a dummy—the worst Sec. Of Defense ever, no less. You don't say? I seem to remember a term certain Republicans/conservatives used to bandy about regarding this little phenomenon. Ohhhh, what the hell was it? Gimme a sec.—it’ll come to me… Oh yeah, I remember now—I believe it was "FLIP-FLOP!" Yeah, that was it—"Flip-flop." Funny, but I thought that was considered to be strictly a Democratic malady...
Meantime, McCain was about the only Republican I’d even remotely consider voting for in ’08 (sorry, Rudy G., I'll pass), but he’s losing me real quick by continuing to support Bush and his urge to surge. Talking out of both sides of his mouth ain’t helping his cause with me either…
SPEAKING OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES…
Ain't no way in hell I'm voting for Sen. Sam Brown-nose—er uh, Brownback from nextdoor in Kansas. This fucker will have the teaching of evolution stricken from public schools the nanosecond he gets elected, and then he'll party like it's 1899...
And Mitt Romney?!? Sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to vote for anyone named after catching equipment…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #11
"Born To Run"—BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND (1975) "Baby this town rips the bones from your back…" I swear, I thought he said, "It’s the balls on your back!" Whatever floats your boat, Brucie...
HERE COMES YOUR 19TH NERVOUS BREAKDOWN…
I've been refraining from weighing in on this whole Britney Spears thing so far because I was hoping the dust would settle, but just like with Anna Nicole, there's apparently no end in sight. However, I DO have a theory about her motivation for shaving her head: She was watching "Deal Or No Deal" and perhaps she noted how the Mr. Clean look revived Howie Mandel’s flagging career...
My question is why was/is she wearing that gawdawful blonde wig? She can afford any wig in the world, so why go with that $9.95 blue-light-special number that even Carol Channing wouldn’t go near? Sadly, it would appear that the proverbial cheese has indeed slipped off Britney's cracker. I kinda expected this sort of behavior out of Kelly Osbourne a couple years ago, but that hasn't materialized (yet)...
Once again, what a veritable ratings bonanza this month has been for the news media people!
Viewer Discretion is STRONGLY Advised...
"I don’t believe what I just saw!" The late Jack Buck’s famous words were never truer following my recent viewing of the Captain & Tennille’s old TV variety show DVD. While I do remember watching it a few times in first-run circa. 1976-77, I sure don’t remember this thing being so utterly wretched! To be fair, this was back in the day when everybody and their mother had a TV variety show that copied the tried-and-true Flip Wilson/Sonny & Cher/Donny & Marie formula. Even the Starland Vocal Band had their own show that lasted all of a month, based solely on the strength of their insipid hit "Afternoon Delight", but C&T’s ignominious show was like watching Sonny & Cher on Prozac. Not unlike Rachel on "Friends" after watching one of Joey’s plays, I "feel violated"!I barely got through the first four episodes on DVD, and I couldn’t take any more. I cringed numerous times throughout and was actually embarrassed for not only C&T (esp. Tennille), but their guest stars, as well. I mean, Redd Foxx and Leonard Nimoy looked so out-of-place doing this show. And did Jackie Gleason need a paycheck badly enough to appear on TV in a tacky pink (I shit you not—PINK!) leisure suit and waving his cigarette around like a queer? [By the way, Jackie, any chance you coulda put your smokes out long enough to spend a few minutes on camera, bud?] There was also plenty of shameless self-promotion on ABC’s part, as the majority of C&T’s other guest stars were from network shows like "Happy Days", "What’s Happening!", and the entire cast of "Welcome Back, Kotter" except Epstein and Mr. Woodman. And Penny Marshall singing? Loved her to death as Laverne, and she’s a dandy film director today, but her caterwauling made Edith Bunker sound like Gloria Estefan!
If all that weren’t bad enough, then there was C&T themselves. Toni Tennille is a great singer and a decent performer and wasn't too hard on the eyes, but the not-so-good Captain was a total dullard! Excellent musician, yes—he used to tour with the Beach Boys, in fact—but Daryl Dragon had all the personality of a coat hanger, and his totally insufferable hat "jokes" made Bob Saget seem like Robin Williams. Thus, Tennille was forced to pretty much carry the show herself and the results were pretty damn sad. She sounded so silly doing songs like Jim Croce’s "You Don’t Mess Around With Jim" and Elton John’s "Honky Cat" without even changing the gender in lines like, "Living in the city, boy, is gonna break your heart", all the while doing hokey choreography with a bunch of male dancers dressed in tacky orange jumpsuits, etc.
The one saving grace for the show was when they featured musical guests that you rarely got to see on TV in the pre-MTV days like Heart or Rufus with Chaka Khan. But honestly, Captain & Tennille should have stuck to making records—this show actually made "Pink Lady & Jeff" and the "Brady Bunch" variety show look brilliant by comparison, which is no mean feat!
I have been slimed…
Monday, February 19, 2007
Blah, Blah, Blah
BEGONE, SUPERCILIOUS TWITS!
101 The Fox, one of our local classic Rock stations, did us all a big favor last week and sacked the syndicated "Bob & Tom" morning show after less than a year of hyping the hell out of it as being a laugh riot. I said it before here, and I’ll say it again: ain’t nothing more irritating than unfunny morning radio people laughing at their own jokes! If I want to hear someone laughing at their own jokes, I can watch Bob Saget on "America’s Funniest Home Videos." As for the station, this makes at least half a dozen morning show teams they’ve trotted out over the last ten years, and none of them have lasted more than a year and a half, and all of them sucked except my man Randy Raley’s show, and they fired him for no good reason. So much for having any continuity during your morning drive slot, eh?
EVERY BUCK THEY MAKE…
I couldn’t help but chuckle while watching the press conference thing on VH-1 Classic for the upcoming Police reunion tour when they said the ticket prices would average around $100! Not top out at, but average $100 a pop, and the sycophants in attendance at the press conference actually applauded this! No thanks, fellas—I think I’ll pass. I saw you guys twice back in the day when it was real and the ticket prices averaged $10 a pop, so I’ll just watch an old Synchronicity video instead. Doesn’t it seem like a lifetime ago when we were all outraged that The Jacksons were charging $30 a ticket for the Victory tour in 1984? Now you can’t even get a nosebleed seat at a comedy concert for under 40 bucks…
SPEAKING OF HYPOCRISY…
I didn’t catch this at the time because I don’t waste my time watching the Grammy Awards, but I read today that Al Gore was the presenter for the Best Rock Album award, won by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Although the band’s name is somewhat fitting for a guy who’s all hyped-up about global warming, it’s pretty hypocritical of him to honor the RHCPs, who were a frequent target of Gore’s warning-label-happy wife Tipper and the dreaded P.M.R.C. back in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s.
I may lean to the left, but that don’t stop me from bashing selected liberals too—I think Al Gore’s almost as big a moron as Dubya is. So is Al Franken. Now how’s that for being fair and balanced?
YOU ALMOST WANTED THE BEST, YOU ALMOST GOT THE BEST...
Went out with some friends Saturday night to see local Kiss tribute band Almost Kiss, and it was (Almost) enjoyable. Almost Gene is a guy who's worked on my air conditioner a time or two, and this was my first time to (Almost) see the band. Almost Paul looked and sounded like the real thing, and Almost Ace was pretty good—his costume was the (Al)most authentic, too. From where we sat, we could hardly see Almost Peter, but he sounded good, anyway. Oddly enough, the authentic Kiss classic "Almost Human" wasn't on their set list. However, the stupid drunk fuck sitting behind us slurring the lyrics to the other songs was Almost as entertaining as the band, too! Almost...
AND NOW YOUR SPORTS ANCHOR, ELTON JOHN!
Read a cool feature in the paper last week about the night the Royals finally beat the Yankees in the 1980 ALCS. Turns out that same night, Elton John was in concert at Kemper Arena, and according to a fan who was conflicted about whether to attend the concert or watch the ballgame on TV, Elton came back out during his encore with a note and read, "George Brett has just hit a three-run home run in the 7th inning—Royals 4, Yankees 2," and the place went nuts. Very cool of Elton to keep everyone updated, even though he probably didn’t have a clue what or who he was talking about! Not sure why, but I was totally unaware that the concert even took place that night, or we might have attended ourselves. Meantime, about the time the concert was winding down, my best friend Tom and I were a couple miles away at Crown Center, amongst hundreds of revelers gleefully chanting, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!" and "COSELL SUCKS! COSELL SUCKS!" in front of the TV cameras. Ah, the stuff of memories…
101 The Fox, one of our local classic Rock stations, did us all a big favor last week and sacked the syndicated "Bob & Tom" morning show after less than a year of hyping the hell out of it as being a laugh riot. I said it before here, and I’ll say it again: ain’t nothing more irritating than unfunny morning radio people laughing at their own jokes! If I want to hear someone laughing at their own jokes, I can watch Bob Saget on "America’s Funniest Home Videos." As for the station, this makes at least half a dozen morning show teams they’ve trotted out over the last ten years, and none of them have lasted more than a year and a half, and all of them sucked except my man Randy Raley’s show, and they fired him for no good reason. So much for having any continuity during your morning drive slot, eh?
EVERY BUCK THEY MAKE…
I couldn’t help but chuckle while watching the press conference thing on VH-1 Classic for the upcoming Police reunion tour when they said the ticket prices would average around $100! Not top out at, but average $100 a pop, and the sycophants in attendance at the press conference actually applauded this! No thanks, fellas—I think I’ll pass. I saw you guys twice back in the day when it was real and the ticket prices averaged $10 a pop, so I’ll just watch an old Synchronicity video instead. Doesn’t it seem like a lifetime ago when we were all outraged that The Jacksons were charging $30 a ticket for the Victory tour in 1984? Now you can’t even get a nosebleed seat at a comedy concert for under 40 bucks…
SPEAKING OF HYPOCRISY…
I didn’t catch this at the time because I don’t waste my time watching the Grammy Awards, but I read today that Al Gore was the presenter for the Best Rock Album award, won by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Although the band’s name is somewhat fitting for a guy who’s all hyped-up about global warming, it’s pretty hypocritical of him to honor the RHCPs, who were a frequent target of Gore’s warning-label-happy wife Tipper and the dreaded P.M.R.C. back in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s.
I may lean to the left, but that don’t stop me from bashing selected liberals too—I think Al Gore’s almost as big a moron as Dubya is. So is Al Franken. Now how’s that for being fair and balanced?
YOU ALMOST WANTED THE BEST, YOU ALMOST GOT THE BEST...
Went out with some friends Saturday night to see local Kiss tribute band Almost Kiss, and it was (Almost) enjoyable. Almost Gene is a guy who's worked on my air conditioner a time or two, and this was my first time to (Almost) see the band. Almost Paul looked and sounded like the real thing, and Almost Ace was pretty good—his costume was the (Al)most authentic, too. From where we sat, we could hardly see Almost Peter, but he sounded good, anyway. Oddly enough, the authentic Kiss classic "Almost Human" wasn't on their set list. However, the stupid drunk fuck sitting behind us slurring the lyrics to the other songs was Almost as entertaining as the band, too! Almost...
AND NOW YOUR SPORTS ANCHOR, ELTON JOHN!
Read a cool feature in the paper last week about the night the Royals finally beat the Yankees in the 1980 ALCS. Turns out that same night, Elton John was in concert at Kemper Arena, and according to a fan who was conflicted about whether to attend the concert or watch the ballgame on TV, Elton came back out during his encore with a note and read, "George Brett has just hit a three-run home run in the 7th inning—Royals 4, Yankees 2," and the place went nuts. Very cool of Elton to keep everyone updated, even though he probably didn’t have a clue what or who he was talking about! Not sure why, but I was totally unaware that the concert even took place that night, or we might have attended ourselves. Meantime, about the time the concert was winding down, my best friend Tom and I were a couple miles away at Crown Center, amongst hundreds of revelers gleefully chanting, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!" and "COSELL SUCKS! COSELL SUCKS!" in front of the TV cameras. Ah, the stuff of memories…
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Shark Jumping 106
Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Seeing's how there appears to be no end in sight to the Anna Nicole Smith media orgasm, and seeing's how I was going to post this before she died anyway, here's a little taste of what folks thought of her wonderful little reality show on Jump Da Shark...
—If we want to watch a babbling drug addict that we don’t care about, we can just go down to the local emergency room at 2:00AM on any given morning.
—You have to give E! a pat on the back for their generosity. I mean, who else would give this huge, lumbering $2 ho a show of their own?
—This woman has to be the fattest, ugliest, most annoying “celebrity” on television (with the possible exception of Star Jones).
—Did you see the ass on her? She could be Shelly Winters’ stand-in…And the whining--does it ever stop? Joan of Arc did less whining at the stake.
—She looks like a blonde Roseanne these days…
—Anna Nicole is a big fat caboose that somebody tipped over as it was sitting on the tracks.
—On Howard Stern…they got on the subject of September 11th, and she had no idea what happened on that day! Is she that clueless? And the absolutely asinine statement about the suicide bombers, “Wouldn’t that hurt?” Yeah, Nicole, it sure does hurt…just like watching your show! CLICK!!
—I will have to predict that it will never jump the shark. I don’t think there is a boat powerful enough to generate the speed necessary to get Anna Nicole through the air over any shark.
—…a perfect synthesis of the mean-spirited and shallow junk that passes for entertainment these days.
—Now she’s well, fat. Not quite “Roseanne in the fifth season” fat, but more like “high school dietician” fat…one can’t help but wonder how long before she joins Foster Brooks, Charlie Callas and Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. in “Has-Been Heaven”.
—Watching her exist is like watching a quadraplegic eat rice with chopsticks—utterly depressing and yet strangely fascinating…
—Tune in next week, kids—Anna gets so trashed on horse tranquilizers that she loses control of her bowels!
—Anna Nicole is like the daddy’s little princess bitchy prom queen who’s all uptight and hates anyone even remotely normal. The thing is, I thought women like that only existed in bad high school movies. Guess I was wrong…
—Fat, drunk and hopped-up is no way to through life, son.
—I, for one, think she’s extremely intelligent…it’s her assistants which are goofy. Anna is a good role model for today’s generation and I wish her the best for her upcoming season. [Evidently written in all seriousness!--B.H.]
—Anna Nicole looks like a sausage encased in really bad outfits…A lawyer who has nothing better to do than hang around with this twit—where did he get his degree? Perhaps at Wal-Mart…
—The episode with Anna taking her driver’s test in California. I felt like saying to the driving instructor, “Hey, do you have a yoke for that steer?”
—This is absolutely the best show featuring a fat, slobbering, gold-digging retard since Tom Arnold’s last masterpiece was cancelled.
—The Anna Nicole Show is one of the top ten reasons other countries hate us so badly.
—This gold-digging trailer-trash princess slurs worse than Keith Richards.
—Compared to this bottom-of-the-bill filler, "Pink Lady and Jeff" never jumped.
—Unfortunately, this show will never go off the air, because there is a trailer park somewhere with a satellite dish.
—People, this is a scary show because if this is allowed on the airwaves, we are soooo close to seeing more C-List “stars”, getting their own reality shows. Something about the “Louie Anderson Show” just frightens me.
—If we want to watch a babbling drug addict that we don’t care about, we can just go down to the local emergency room at 2:00AM on any given morning.
—You have to give E! a pat on the back for their generosity. I mean, who else would give this huge, lumbering $2 ho a show of their own?
—This woman has to be the fattest, ugliest, most annoying “celebrity” on television (with the possible exception of Star Jones).
—Did you see the ass on her? She could be Shelly Winters’ stand-in…And the whining--does it ever stop? Joan of Arc did less whining at the stake.
—She looks like a blonde Roseanne these days…
—Anna Nicole is a big fat caboose that somebody tipped over as it was sitting on the tracks.
—On Howard Stern…they got on the subject of September 11th, and she had no idea what happened on that day! Is she that clueless? And the absolutely asinine statement about the suicide bombers, “Wouldn’t that hurt?” Yeah, Nicole, it sure does hurt…just like watching your show! CLICK!!
—I will have to predict that it will never jump the shark. I don’t think there is a boat powerful enough to generate the speed necessary to get Anna Nicole through the air over any shark.
—…a perfect synthesis of the mean-spirited and shallow junk that passes for entertainment these days.
—Now she’s well, fat. Not quite “Roseanne in the fifth season” fat, but more like “high school dietician” fat…one can’t help but wonder how long before she joins Foster Brooks, Charlie Callas and Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. in “Has-Been Heaven”.
—Watching her exist is like watching a quadraplegic eat rice with chopsticks—utterly depressing and yet strangely fascinating…
—Tune in next week, kids—Anna gets so trashed on horse tranquilizers that she loses control of her bowels!
—Anna Nicole is like the daddy’s little princess bitchy prom queen who’s all uptight and hates anyone even remotely normal. The thing is, I thought women like that only existed in bad high school movies. Guess I was wrong…
—Fat, drunk and hopped-up is no way to through life, son.
—I, for one, think she’s extremely intelligent…it’s her assistants which are goofy. Anna is a good role model for today’s generation and I wish her the best for her upcoming season. [Evidently written in all seriousness!--B.H.]
—Anna Nicole looks like a sausage encased in really bad outfits…A lawyer who has nothing better to do than hang around with this twit—where did he get his degree? Perhaps at Wal-Mart…
—The episode with Anna taking her driver’s test in California. I felt like saying to the driving instructor, “Hey, do you have a yoke for that steer?”
—This is absolutely the best show featuring a fat, slobbering, gold-digging retard since Tom Arnold’s last masterpiece was cancelled.
—The Anna Nicole Show is one of the top ten reasons other countries hate us so badly.
—This gold-digging trailer-trash princess slurs worse than Keith Richards.
—Compared to this bottom-of-the-bill filler, "Pink Lady and Jeff" never jumped.
—Unfortunately, this show will never go off the air, because there is a trailer park somewhere with a satellite dish.
—People, this is a scary show because if this is allowed on the airwaves, we are soooo close to seeing more C-List “stars”, getting their own reality shows. Something about the “Louie Anderson Show” just frightens me.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
The 30 Most Overrated Movies of All-Time
1) Saturday Night Fever (1977) Classic case of a movie where the soundtrack is infinitely better than the film it came from—Vision Quest, Detroit Rock City, F.M., and Cocktail are other good examples of this phenomenon. SNF is an incredibly average movie, apart from the dance floor scenes, which are fairly impressive. Sadly, the storyline is pretty mundane, most of the characters aren’t terribly likeable, and I can only take so much of high-strung Italians sniping at each other over little shit at the dinner table…
2) Nashville (1976) I’d always heard lots of good things about this film, so when I sat down to watch it about a year ago, I was majorly disappointed. Aimless plot, bizarre characters and this old fart redneck pseudo-narrator droning on throughout the film. Robert Altman may well be the most overrated director of all-time, too. The only saving grace of this film was seeing all the old ‘70s cars and fashions, but overall, Nashville left me scratching my head…
3) Flashdance (1983) Overrated movie that spawned an equally-overrated fashion fad—dancewear in the form of oversized torn sweatshirts that were about as sexy as today‘s sports bras. Not unlike Saturday Night Fever, watching this one again 20-some-odd years later makes one ask, “What was the big deal in the first place?” Even Jennifer Beals’ taking-off-the-bra-under-her-shirt bit is pretty underwhelming.
4) M*A*S*H (1970) Perhaps I’m a bit prejudiced by years of watching the TV series, but I have never liked this film—if you’ll pardon the pun, it’s just a big mish-mash to me! No real storyline to speak of, and Robert Altman had this irritating habit of having multiple people speaking dialogue over each other at the same time—it’s even hard to follow on DVD with the subtitles turned on! It also didn’t help that they staged that hokey football game wearing late-1960’s helmets and uniforms in what was supposed to be 1952 South Korea. Very lame.
5) Rocky Horror Picture Show (1973) When I first rented the video for this one back in the mid-‘90s, I was excited to see what all the fuss was about, but it turned out to be a huge letdown. Rocky Snorer Picture Show is more accurate! I guess this is one of those you-had-to-be-there-at-the-time kind of things to understand all the hoopla surrounding it back in the day.
6) Pretty Woman (1990) Man, was this one overrated in EVERY possible way! Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are two of the most overrated actors of all-time, both in terms of their looks and acting ability (especially Roberts), and this movie didn’t honk my hooter at all. In the words of the Wayans Brothers’ “Men on Film”: “HATED it!”
7) Grease (1978) I love Olivia Newton-John to death—I lusted after her mightily back in the ‘70s—but I can’t stand this film. I’m not real big on musicals in the first place, but this one is so hokey and cornball, and having John Revolting as the lead didn’t help matters any. Travolta is to singing what Ted Baxter was to newscasting, especially on “Summer Nights”, and that “tell me more, tell me more” chorus grates on me like Joan Rivers! The ‘50s weren’t as fabulous as they were cracked up to be, either. I’ll take ONJ in Xanadu over this corny thing any day…
8) Caddyshack (1978) Apart from Bill Murray’s bits—which truly WERE funny—and a couple good lines from Rodney Dangerfield, this movie was a very unfunny bore! While I do admit to never caring much for Chevy Chase in the first place, I’ve never understood why Caddyshack is held in such high esteem and put in the same league with classics like Animal House and American Graffiti.
9) Pulp Fiction (1994) I’ve watched this thing at least ten times, and I still don’t quite get the point of it all, other than what I already knew—drugs are bad, mmm-kay? It also was hard for me to take Samuel L. Jackson’s character seriously—that afro wig kept reminding me of late ventriloquist Willie Tyler’s dummy Lester! Decent soundtrack, though. By the way, do you see a trend, here? This is the third John Travolta film to make this list, although he was almost tolerable in this one. Almost…
10) The Last Picture Show (1971) I just watched this one last week, and boy was I unimpressed! This one got a bunch of Oscar nominations, and I’m clueless as to why. Just a bunch of hick people in a hick town in Texas in the ‘50s that didn’t know what to do with themselves. It wasn’t even worth sitting through to watch Cybill Shepherd take her clothes off on the diving board!
11) The Aviator (2004) This damn thing was about an hour too long, for starters, and it seems to me that a guy whose life story was as quirky and weird as Howard Hughes' could sustain one’s interest throughout a whole movie, but not the way they told it here. Aviator got a boatload of Oscar nods that it didn’t deserve, too.
12) Lost In Translation (2003) I’m still trying to figure out what got the Oscar people all worked-up about this movie! Nothing against Bill Murray, but what was so special about his performance here? What was so special about the movie, period? Apart from the beautiful scenic views of downtown Tokyo, and the rather humorous scene with Murray in the swimming pool with the geriatric water aerobics group, this movie was a total dud.
13) Borat (2006) Please see my prior post from January 3 for my little dissertation on this one…I’m too fucking tired to type it all over again!
14) ANY Woody Allen Movie Normally, I don’t like to use a blanket entry like this, but in the Wood Man’s case, I think it’s totally appropriate. This guy’s movies are all the same—he always plays the same sorry-ass hang-dog character, and almost always casts the equally-overrated Diane Keaton, yet the critics go ape-shit over his flicks every damn time.
15) Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1978) The hoopla that surrounded this one when it first came out rivaled that of Star Wars, but the movie itself sure as hell didn’t. Zzzzzz…
16) Melvin And Howard (1980) I hate to pick on this one because I really like Paul LeMat (he was John Milner driving the yellow car in American Graffiti), but this one wasn’t the laugh riot I was expecting and was pretty dull overall. Interesting piece of casting, though: Mary Steenburgen playing a stripper! Huh?!?
17) Shampoo (1972) Coulda used some mousse and conditioner too! I put Warren Beatty in the same category as Richard Gere—overrated pretty boy…
18) The Buddy Holly Story (1978) ‘A’ for effort on the part of the very stocky Gary Busey for making a convincing-looking Buddy Holly—who in real life was thinner than Ron Howard’s hair—but the film itself took way too many detours around the facts for my liking. Hell, they even reduced The Crickets from a four-piece band to a three-piece, and changed the names of the guys in the band to avoid lawsuits. Someone should have also told the director that there ain’t any mountains anywhere near Lubbock, Texas!
19) Moonstruck (1987) More hyper-tense Italians sniping at each other over little shit. Nicholas Cage was in this one too, which is rarely helpful. And Cher’s “Italian” accent was about as convincing as that of Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County, which was, in turn, about as convincing as Mr. Tudball’s toupee on the “Carol Burnett Show”! Yet, Cher got a Best Actress Oscar anyway. Figures…
20) Ordinary People (1978) Should’ve been called Ordinary Movie! This one got a bunch of Oscar nods too, for no particular reason. It wasn’t that bad of a movie, really—it was just, well, ordinary!
21) The Matrix (1999) I realize you have to suspend your disbelief a bit more when it comes to futuristic Sci-Fi flicks, but I found that difficult with this one, especially because it seemed to focus solely on impressing me with all its special effects eye candy instead of a plausible story.
22) Sideways (2004) Can someone please explain why this yap-fest was so highly-regarded? I finally gave up on the damn thing about two-thirds of the way through it because I couldn’t take any more of the constant dialogue amongst the two boring main characters. Freakin' C-SPAN is more lively than this crap was!
23) The Pope Of Greenwich Village (1984) Dumbass character played by Eric Roberts gets involved up to his eyelids with the Mafia and yet has the nerve to act surprised when some thug cuts off his thumb when he fails to pay them back their money. “Deyyyy took my thuuuummb, CHAWWWW-LIEEE!!!!” he exclaims to his brother. Roberts pulls off the New Yawk accent about as well as I do, too…
24) Apocalypse Now (1979) Easily the most-overrated of all the Vietnam movies so far, especially Marlon Brando’s performance. Tell me please, why did/does that fucker rate such high praise for merely mumbling? Damn movie was about an hour and a half too long, too…
25) This Is Spinal Tap (1984) This one certainly has its moments, especially early on, like the Stonehenge stage bit and songs like “Hell Hole” and “Big Bottom”, but the longer the movie goes on, the more boring it gets, and you remember that you’re watching actors in bad wigs instead of a fictional Heavy Metal band.
26) Breakfast At Tiffany’s (1961) Never have understood the appeal of this movie, even though Audrey Hepburn was a doll. I think maybe it’s because flighty characters like Holly Golightly rarely appeal to me.
27) Last Tango In Paris (1972) Ol’ Marlo Brandon (as A. Bunker called him) strikes again! I liked Brando in The Godfather and On The Waterfront, but beyond those two, I just don’t get what the big deal is about him. This movie sucked, big time!
28) Dog Day Afternoon (1975) Overblown Al Pacino yawner. He’s a bank robber, yet we’re supposed to feel empathy for him? That’s like rooting for the shark in Jaws. Come to think of it, I actually did root for the shark in Jaws The Revenge, because it was so bad and Lorraine Gary is so ugly! As for Dog Day, it was all bark and no bite. Sorry...
29) Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969) This movie came out when sex farces were en vogue in the late ‘60s, but this one was hardly arousing, partly because such dullards as Elliott Gould and Robert Culp were in it...
30) V For Vendetta (2005) This futuristic tale of a totalitarian state was hyped as another Matrix when it came out, but Natalie Portman wound up having her head shaved for nothing, because this flick was a total snoozer! At least she made a really cute bald chick…
2) Nashville (1976) I’d always heard lots of good things about this film, so when I sat down to watch it about a year ago, I was majorly disappointed. Aimless plot, bizarre characters and this old fart redneck pseudo-narrator droning on throughout the film. Robert Altman may well be the most overrated director of all-time, too. The only saving grace of this film was seeing all the old ‘70s cars and fashions, but overall, Nashville left me scratching my head…
3) Flashdance (1983) Overrated movie that spawned an equally-overrated fashion fad—dancewear in the form of oversized torn sweatshirts that were about as sexy as today‘s sports bras. Not unlike Saturday Night Fever, watching this one again 20-some-odd years later makes one ask, “What was the big deal in the first place?” Even Jennifer Beals’ taking-off-the-bra-under-her-shirt bit is pretty underwhelming.
4) M*A*S*H (1970) Perhaps I’m a bit prejudiced by years of watching the TV series, but I have never liked this film—if you’ll pardon the pun, it’s just a big mish-mash to me! No real storyline to speak of, and Robert Altman had this irritating habit of having multiple people speaking dialogue over each other at the same time—it’s even hard to follow on DVD with the subtitles turned on! It also didn’t help that they staged that hokey football game wearing late-1960’s helmets and uniforms in what was supposed to be 1952 South Korea. Very lame.
5) Rocky Horror Picture Show (1973) When I first rented the video for this one back in the mid-‘90s, I was excited to see what all the fuss was about, but it turned out to be a huge letdown. Rocky Snorer Picture Show is more accurate! I guess this is one of those you-had-to-be-there-at-the-time kind of things to understand all the hoopla surrounding it back in the day.
6) Pretty Woman (1990) Man, was this one overrated in EVERY possible way! Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are two of the most overrated actors of all-time, both in terms of their looks and acting ability (especially Roberts), and this movie didn’t honk my hooter at all. In the words of the Wayans Brothers’ “Men on Film”: “HATED it!”
7) Grease (1978) I love Olivia Newton-John to death—I lusted after her mightily back in the ‘70s—but I can’t stand this film. I’m not real big on musicals in the first place, but this one is so hokey and cornball, and having John Revolting as the lead didn’t help matters any. Travolta is to singing what Ted Baxter was to newscasting, especially on “Summer Nights”, and that “tell me more, tell me more” chorus grates on me like Joan Rivers! The ‘50s weren’t as fabulous as they were cracked up to be, either. I’ll take ONJ in Xanadu over this corny thing any day…
8) Caddyshack (1978) Apart from Bill Murray’s bits—which truly WERE funny—and a couple good lines from Rodney Dangerfield, this movie was a very unfunny bore! While I do admit to never caring much for Chevy Chase in the first place, I’ve never understood why Caddyshack is held in such high esteem and put in the same league with classics like Animal House and American Graffiti.
9) Pulp Fiction (1994) I’ve watched this thing at least ten times, and I still don’t quite get the point of it all, other than what I already knew—drugs are bad, mmm-kay? It also was hard for me to take Samuel L. Jackson’s character seriously—that afro wig kept reminding me of late ventriloquist Willie Tyler’s dummy Lester! Decent soundtrack, though. By the way, do you see a trend, here? This is the third John Travolta film to make this list, although he was almost tolerable in this one. Almost…
10) The Last Picture Show (1971) I just watched this one last week, and boy was I unimpressed! This one got a bunch of Oscar nominations, and I’m clueless as to why. Just a bunch of hick people in a hick town in Texas in the ‘50s that didn’t know what to do with themselves. It wasn’t even worth sitting through to watch Cybill Shepherd take her clothes off on the diving board!
11) The Aviator (2004) This damn thing was about an hour too long, for starters, and it seems to me that a guy whose life story was as quirky and weird as Howard Hughes' could sustain one’s interest throughout a whole movie, but not the way they told it here. Aviator got a boatload of Oscar nods that it didn’t deserve, too.
12) Lost In Translation (2003) I’m still trying to figure out what got the Oscar people all worked-up about this movie! Nothing against Bill Murray, but what was so special about his performance here? What was so special about the movie, period? Apart from the beautiful scenic views of downtown Tokyo, and the rather humorous scene with Murray in the swimming pool with the geriatric water aerobics group, this movie was a total dud.
13) Borat (2006) Please see my prior post from January 3 for my little dissertation on this one…I’m too fucking tired to type it all over again!
14) ANY Woody Allen Movie Normally, I don’t like to use a blanket entry like this, but in the Wood Man’s case, I think it’s totally appropriate. This guy’s movies are all the same—he always plays the same sorry-ass hang-dog character, and almost always casts the equally-overrated Diane Keaton, yet the critics go ape-shit over his flicks every damn time.
15) Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1978) The hoopla that surrounded this one when it first came out rivaled that of Star Wars, but the movie itself sure as hell didn’t. Zzzzzz…
16) Melvin And Howard (1980) I hate to pick on this one because I really like Paul LeMat (he was John Milner driving the yellow car in American Graffiti), but this one wasn’t the laugh riot I was expecting and was pretty dull overall. Interesting piece of casting, though: Mary Steenburgen playing a stripper! Huh?!?
17) Shampoo (1972) Coulda used some mousse and conditioner too! I put Warren Beatty in the same category as Richard Gere—overrated pretty boy…
18) The Buddy Holly Story (1978) ‘A’ for effort on the part of the very stocky Gary Busey for making a convincing-looking Buddy Holly—who in real life was thinner than Ron Howard’s hair—but the film itself took way too many detours around the facts for my liking. Hell, they even reduced The Crickets from a four-piece band to a three-piece, and changed the names of the guys in the band to avoid lawsuits. Someone should have also told the director that there ain’t any mountains anywhere near Lubbock, Texas!
19) Moonstruck (1987) More hyper-tense Italians sniping at each other over little shit. Nicholas Cage was in this one too, which is rarely helpful. And Cher’s “Italian” accent was about as convincing as that of Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County, which was, in turn, about as convincing as Mr. Tudball’s toupee on the “Carol Burnett Show”! Yet, Cher got a Best Actress Oscar anyway. Figures…
20) Ordinary People (1978) Should’ve been called Ordinary Movie! This one got a bunch of Oscar nods too, for no particular reason. It wasn’t that bad of a movie, really—it was just, well, ordinary!
21) The Matrix (1999) I realize you have to suspend your disbelief a bit more when it comes to futuristic Sci-Fi flicks, but I found that difficult with this one, especially because it seemed to focus solely on impressing me with all its special effects eye candy instead of a plausible story.
22) Sideways (2004) Can someone please explain why this yap-fest was so highly-regarded? I finally gave up on the damn thing about two-thirds of the way through it because I couldn’t take any more of the constant dialogue amongst the two boring main characters. Freakin' C-SPAN is more lively than this crap was!
23) The Pope Of Greenwich Village (1984) Dumbass character played by Eric Roberts gets involved up to his eyelids with the Mafia and yet has the nerve to act surprised when some thug cuts off his thumb when he fails to pay them back their money. “Deyyyy took my thuuuummb, CHAWWWW-LIEEE!!!!” he exclaims to his brother. Roberts pulls off the New Yawk accent about as well as I do, too…
24) Apocalypse Now (1979) Easily the most-overrated of all the Vietnam movies so far, especially Marlon Brando’s performance. Tell me please, why did/does that fucker rate such high praise for merely mumbling? Damn movie was about an hour and a half too long, too…
25) This Is Spinal Tap (1984) This one certainly has its moments, especially early on, like the Stonehenge stage bit and songs like “Hell Hole” and “Big Bottom”, but the longer the movie goes on, the more boring it gets, and you remember that you’re watching actors in bad wigs instead of a fictional Heavy Metal band.
26) Breakfast At Tiffany’s (1961) Never have understood the appeal of this movie, even though Audrey Hepburn was a doll. I think maybe it’s because flighty characters like Holly Golightly rarely appeal to me.
27) Last Tango In Paris (1972) Ol’ Marlo Brandon (as A. Bunker called him) strikes again! I liked Brando in The Godfather and On The Waterfront, but beyond those two, I just don’t get what the big deal is about him. This movie sucked, big time!
28) Dog Day Afternoon (1975) Overblown Al Pacino yawner. He’s a bank robber, yet we’re supposed to feel empathy for him? That’s like rooting for the shark in Jaws. Come to think of it, I actually did root for the shark in Jaws The Revenge, because it was so bad and Lorraine Gary is so ugly! As for Dog Day, it was all bark and no bite. Sorry...
29) Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969) This movie came out when sex farces were en vogue in the late ‘60s, but this one was hardly arousing, partly because such dullards as Elliott Gould and Robert Culp were in it...
30) V For Vendetta (2005) This futuristic tale of a totalitarian state was hyped as another Matrix when it came out, but Natalie Portman wound up having her head shaved for nothing, because this flick was a total snoozer! At least she made a really cute bald chick…
Friday, February 16, 2007
The 30 Greatest Album Covers of All-Time, Part 3
10) Styx—Paradise Theater (1981) Great concept for both the front and back covers here. Too bad Dennis DeYoung let it all go to his head and created that Kilroy debacle a couple years later.
9) The Beatles—Revolver (1966) The Beatles had so many cool covers, but this is my favorite, even though it’s a tad arty-farty. I don’t normally go for Avant-Garde stuff, but it was done by musician Klaus Voorman, who later played bass on Ringo’s, John’s and George’s solo albums. Wish I could draw like that…
8) Belinda Carlisle—Belinda (1986) I won’t deny that this one was easy on my eyes!
7) Led Zeppelin—Led Zeppelin (1969) It’s ironic how un-subtle this cover was, compared to Zep’s subsequent album covers that were all mysterious and/or weird.
6) Foreigner—4 (1981) I laughed out loud the first time I saw this one—brilliant idea, too!
5) Stevie Ray Vaughan—Couldn’t Stand The Weather (1984) Gotta love an album cover with a great punchline!
4) The Who—Who’s Next (1971) Legend has it the band passed this plinth thing in a slag heap while on tour, and apparently there was no Port-a-Potty handy, so it served them well. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go…
3) Elton John—Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (1973) Not only does this one make my list for the front cover—which is first-rate—but the entire package was just stunning. I loved how each song on the album had its own appropriate and colorful illustration next to its lyrics and musician credits. It’s also my favorite album, music-wise, of all-time.
2) The Who—The Who By Numbers (1975) The late John Entwistle was not only the greatest bass player on the planet, but also a very talented artist, as evidenced by this classic cover. He once claimed that the faces were the easy part to draw, but the dots and the numbers were a big pain in the arse!
1) Kiss—Destroyer (1976) They don’t get much cooler than this! Kudos to artist Ken Kelly for creating such a beautiful and powerful album portrait that so accurately captured the Hottest Band In The World just as they were about to take it over. Looks even cooler as a silver mylar poster…
Thursday, February 15, 2007
The 30 Greatest Album Covers of All-Time, Part 2
My apologies in advance for the somewhat sloppy layout and alignment here, but it weren't my fault! The blogger folks claim that their editor application is a "wysiwyg", but that's a bunch of hooey. Damn thing has a mind of its own, and trust me, I was completely sober when I put this together...
20) Elton John—Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy (1975) Elton John always went above and beyond the call with his album jackets back in the ‘70s. This one included not one, but TWO souvenir booklets along with a crazy front and back cover that you can look at a hundred times and still keep finding things you didn’t notice before.
18) Paul Revere & The Raiders—Hard & Heavy (with Marshmallow) (1969) There goes the neighborhood! Hope they were headed in the general direction of the Bradys’ house…
17) Elton John—Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Player (1973) Another of Elton’s elaborate album jackets, and you gotta love the title too.
14) Van Halen—1984 (1984) I’m sure the Surgeon General wasn’t too crazy about this one, but it’s damn funny anyway. Still, I’m required to say that smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?
13) The Outlaws—Ghost Riders (1980) For all those Space Cowboys out there—Yippie-ki-yo, motherfucker!
12) The Grateful Dead—Dead Set (1981) I was never a big Dead fan, but I thought this was a cool album jacket. It’s actually a gatefold sleeve, and on the back it features another skeleton overlooking New York City.
11) Jane Wiedlin—Tangled (1990) Okay, this came out during the CD-only era, but I’m including it anyway. Borderline porn on an album cover—great concept!
20) Elton John—Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy (1975) Elton John always went above and beyond the call with his album jackets back in the ‘70s. This one included not one, but TWO souvenir booklets along with a crazy front and back cover that you can look at a hundred times and still keep finding things you didn’t notice before.
19) Van Halen—Van Halen II (1979) Complete antithesis of #20—very simple, but very stately.
18) Paul Revere & The Raiders—Hard & Heavy (with Marshmallow) (1969) There goes the neighborhood! Hope they were headed in the general direction of the Bradys’ house…17) Elton John—Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Player (1973) Another of Elton’s elaborate album jackets, and you gotta love the title too.
16) Ted Nugent—Weekend Warriors (1978) In spite of my current animosity toward the Rev. Theodosius Atrocious, as well as my ambivalence on the whole gun thing, I still think this was still a pretty cool cover.
15) Twisted Sister—Love Is For Suckers (1987) Great title for a great song, a sadly overlooked album, and a clever cover, to boot. Now, drop and give me 20!
14) Van Halen—1984 (1984) I’m sure the Surgeon General wasn’t too crazy about this one, but it’s damn funny anyway. Still, I’m required to say that smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?
13) The Outlaws—Ghost Riders (1980) For all those Space Cowboys out there—Yippie-ki-yo, motherfucker!
12) The Grateful Dead—Dead Set (1981) I was never a big Dead fan, but I thought this was a cool album jacket. It’s actually a gatefold sleeve, and on the back it features another skeleton overlooking New York City.
11) Jane Wiedlin—Tangled (1990) Okay, this came out during the CD-only era, but I’m including it anyway. Borderline porn on an album cover—great concept!Happy Matt Groening's B-Day!
...that's the man who gave us the "Simpsons". Beats celebrating Valentine's Day, that's for sure...
THIS JUST IN...ANNA NICOLE IS STILL DEAD!
Well, predictably, Anna Nicole Smith’s been dead for a week now, and she’s still getting wall-to-wall coverage on all the cable news channels night after night during prime-time. During a quick scan through the channels on Tuesday night during the 9:00 hour, I counted no less than SEVEN channels that were flapping their jaws about her. You’d think that A.N.S. actually did something important in her life to merit more media coverage than the deaths of Presidents Reagan and Ford combined. She’s fast approaching Princess Diana territory already.
I’d like to think that at this very moment somewhere out there in the television news industry, there are more than a few people with principles and/or a conscience—whether they be a staff writer or a reporter or a cameraman or a gopher or whatever—who are now asking themselves, "I got into this sleazy business just for this?" and are contemplating a career change.
I’d really like to think that, anyway…
WEATHER B.S.
Local TV weather geek Gary Lezak’s print ad in yesterday’s paper read, "It’s day 34 of the 2007 Cold Wave—is there an end in sight? Tune in to 41 Action News tonight and find out…" Hey Gary, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s February in Kansas City—it’s supposed to be cold!! Didn’t they teach you that at Meteorology school? As for your "Cold Wave", I seem to remember a Tuesday the week before last when it got up to 55 degrees here. This is precisely why I so despise today’s local TV news and weather people—they’re such sensationalists (and alarmists, too). I get my weather from the Weather Channel or the National Weather Service website, anyway.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #10
"Tom Sawyer"—RUSH (1981) "…his mind is not for rent to any god or government/Always hope for your discontent…" could also be misinterpreted as "always hope for your Discotheque…"
WHY APOLOGIZE?
Sen. Obama was absolutely right when he said our American soldiers in Iraq have been wasted, but he later apologized for using the word "wasted". Dude, this whole fucking thing has been one BIG waste—no apology was necessary! What term would the Shrubs—er uh, Bushes have preferred Obama to use: "Properly done away with"? Gimme a break already…
BRILLIANT!We had a patient at work yesterday named Dixie Hicks. Now, if that ain’t the perfect name for a potential all-male Dixie Chicks tribute band, then I don’t know what is! Hell, there probably already is one, for all I know. Chicks With Dicks would also work…
COMEDY AIN’T CHEAP
Saw by the paper today that 45 bucks (plus convenience charge) would get me a nosebleed seat at Kemper Arena for Larry The Cable Guy’s upcoming show tomorrow night. I get more of a laugh out of that fact than I probably would out of the show itself. I heard Blue Man Group tickets are about that much $$ too. Now, that’s funny!
THIS JUST IN...ANNA NICOLE IS STILL DEAD!
Well, predictably, Anna Nicole Smith’s been dead for a week now, and she’s still getting wall-to-wall coverage on all the cable news channels night after night during prime-time. During a quick scan through the channels on Tuesday night during the 9:00 hour, I counted no less than SEVEN channels that were flapping their jaws about her. You’d think that A.N.S. actually did something important in her life to merit more media coverage than the deaths of Presidents Reagan and Ford combined. She’s fast approaching Princess Diana territory already.
I’d like to think that at this very moment somewhere out there in the television news industry, there are more than a few people with principles and/or a conscience—whether they be a staff writer or a reporter or a cameraman or a gopher or whatever—who are now asking themselves, "I got into this sleazy business just for this?" and are contemplating a career change.
I’d really like to think that, anyway…
WEATHER B.S.
Local TV weather geek Gary Lezak’s print ad in yesterday’s paper read, "It’s day 34 of the 2007 Cold Wave—is there an end in sight? Tune in to 41 Action News tonight and find out…" Hey Gary, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s February in Kansas City—it’s supposed to be cold!! Didn’t they teach you that at Meteorology school? As for your "Cold Wave", I seem to remember a Tuesday the week before last when it got up to 55 degrees here. This is precisely why I so despise today’s local TV news and weather people—they’re such sensationalists (and alarmists, too). I get my weather from the Weather Channel or the National Weather Service website, anyway.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #10
"Tom Sawyer"—RUSH (1981) "…his mind is not for rent to any god or government/Always hope for your discontent…" could also be misinterpreted as "always hope for your Discotheque…"
WHY APOLOGIZE?
Sen. Obama was absolutely right when he said our American soldiers in Iraq have been wasted, but he later apologized for using the word "wasted". Dude, this whole fucking thing has been one BIG waste—no apology was necessary! What term would the Shrubs—er uh, Bushes have preferred Obama to use: "Properly done away with"? Gimme a break already…
BRILLIANT!We had a patient at work yesterday named Dixie Hicks. Now, if that ain’t the perfect name for a potential all-male Dixie Chicks tribute band, then I don’t know what is! Hell, there probably already is one, for all I know. Chicks With Dicks would also work…
COMEDY AIN’T CHEAP
Saw by the paper today that 45 bucks (plus convenience charge) would get me a nosebleed seat at Kemper Arena for Larry The Cable Guy’s upcoming show tomorrow night. I get more of a laugh out of that fact than I probably would out of the show itself. I heard Blue Man Group tickets are about that much $$ too. Now, that’s funny!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The 30 Greatest Album Covers of All-Time, Part 1
Even as much as I loved the advent of the compact disc over 20 years ago, one casualty of CD technology has been the mighty album cover, which sadly has become a lost art. So, here's Part 1 (of three) of my little tribute to album cover art:
30) Kiss—Love Gun (1977) This was Ken "Destroyer" Kelly’s second Kiss album cover portrait. Not quite as good as his first, but most worthy, all the same.
29) The Beatles—Abbey Road (1969) So legendary, it HAD to make this list. By the way, in case you missed it—Paul’s still not dead! However, his career appears to be...
28) The Who—The Who Sell Out (1967) Funny album covers always score high with me, and this one’s a classic! Legend has it that Roger Daltrey caught a cold from having to sit in that tub of beans.
27) Boston—Boston (1976) The guitar-shaped spaceship made the ‘Enterprise’ look pretty hokey in comparison!
26) Molly Hatchet—Flirtin’ With Disaster (1980) I think that dude on the cover was having a bad day, don’t you? He looked like he meant business!
25) George Carlin—Class Clown (1972) It’s easy to forget to include comedy albums on a list like this, but they are certainly worthy of consideration. The track listing on the chalkboard on the back was clever, too.
24) R.E.O. Speedwagon—You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978) Just in case you missed the point of the title! Still funny as hell…
23) Led Zeppelin—Physical Graffiti (1975) I always loved album jackets that had cut-outs on the cover that integrated with whatever was on the inner sleeve(s).
22) Kiss—Rock And Roll Over (1976) I spent many an hour tracing this one onto the covers of my school notebooks during class in junior high school.
21) ZZ Top—Afterburner (1985) That little ol’ band from Texas beams up! Too bad this was the last of their really good records before complacency set in...
30) Kiss—Love Gun (1977) This was Ken "Destroyer" Kelly’s second Kiss album cover portrait. Not quite as good as his first, but most worthy, all the same.
29) The Beatles—Abbey Road (1969) So legendary, it HAD to make this list. By the way, in case you missed it—Paul’s still not dead! However, his career appears to be...
28) The Who—The Who Sell Out (1967) Funny album covers always score high with me, and this one’s a classic! Legend has it that Roger Daltrey caught a cold from having to sit in that tub of beans.
27) Boston—Boston (1976) The guitar-shaped spaceship made the ‘Enterprise’ look pretty hokey in comparison!
26) Molly Hatchet—Flirtin’ With Disaster (1980) I think that dude on the cover was having a bad day, don’t you? He looked like he meant business!
25) George Carlin—Class Clown (1972) It’s easy to forget to include comedy albums on a list like this, but they are certainly worthy of consideration. The track listing on the chalkboard on the back was clever, too. 
24) R.E.O. Speedwagon—You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978) Just in case you missed the point of the title! Still funny as hell…
23) Led Zeppelin—Physical Graffiti (1975) I always loved album jackets that had cut-outs on the cover that integrated with whatever was on the inner sleeve(s).
22) Kiss—Rock And Roll Over (1976) I spent many an hour tracing this one onto the covers of my school notebooks during class in junior high school.
21) ZZ Top—Afterburner (1985) That little ol’ band from Texas beams up! Too bad this was the last of their really good records before complacency set in...Monday, February 12, 2007
Great Moments In Radio, Vol. VI
At K-JO in St. Joseph, we carried the "Tom Snyder Radio Show" from 9PM to Midnight every Monday thru Friday, which was actually quite enjoyable. Yes, T.S. could sometimes be pompous as all get-out—especially on T.V.—but his radio show was a lot more fun to listen to than the abrasiveness of loveable Larry King ("Alexandria, Virginia--HELLO!!").
I particularly always looked forward to the end of Tom's show, not because it sucked, but because Snyder would always remain on the satellite and talk off the air for a few minutes, thanking his guests, the network affiliates, production crew, et al, and he would also do commentary on the show he’d just completed (often in PG-rated language). One night, some asshole called in right at the end of the show and got on his soapbox and started ranting about this, that and the other to the point where even Snyder couldn’t get a word in with him at all. During Tom’s post-show commentary, he says, "That last guy SUCKED (pregnant pause)…the wind right out of me! I hate it when people get on here and try to make speeches!" Unfortunately, we only had a 90-second window with which to listen to Tom’s remarks because we had to switch the satellite over to ABC news at the top of the hour, so we rarely got to hear the end of Tom's rants, many of which had to have been real doozies!
I particularly always looked forward to the end of Tom's show, not because it sucked, but because Snyder would always remain on the satellite and talk off the air for a few minutes, thanking his guests, the network affiliates, production crew, et al, and he would also do commentary on the show he’d just completed (often in PG-rated language). One night, some asshole called in right at the end of the show and got on his soapbox and started ranting about this, that and the other to the point where even Snyder couldn’t get a word in with him at all. During Tom’s post-show commentary, he says, "That last guy SUCKED (pregnant pause)…the wind right out of me! I hate it when people get on here and try to make speeches!" Unfortunately, we only had a 90-second window with which to listen to Tom’s remarks because we had to switch the satellite over to ABC news at the top of the hour, so we rarely got to hear the end of Tom's rants, many of which had to have been real doozies!
20 Questions
A compilation of some of the funniest questions I've ever heard posed, in no particular order:
—"Does Joe Jackson HAVE to be in his videos?" (Gallagher)
—"Who the hell is Rula Lenska?" (Johnny Carson)
—"You listen to singing meat loafs?" (my brother Earnie)
—"Do you mind if I call you 'Arse'?" (singer Phil Collins to talk show host Arsenio Hall)
—"Do I have a scrotum?" (Sharon Osbourne)
—"What are you people—on dope?" (Mr. Hand in Fast Times At Ridgemont High)
—"Why is there no blue food?" (George Carlin) [Blueberries are purple!]
—"What's the matter, honey--does your hair hurt?" (Redd Foxx, to an uptight female audience member)
—"How can a guy who changes his name and wears a toupee be 'telling it like it is'?" (Joe Garagiola regarding Howard Cosell)
—"Well, what're we suppose to do, ya mo'ron?" (Stork in National Lampoon's Animal House)
—"How could anyone be so unkind to arrest a man for driving while blind?" (ZZ Top)
—"How do you not fall down more?" (Chandler Bing to Joey on "Friends")
—"How come he's got those two Cocoa Puffs stuck to his cheek?" (Beavis, regarding Lemmy from Motorhead)
—"How you get so big eating food of this kind?" (Yoda to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back)
—"Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?" (George Carlin)
—"Are you totally deranged?" (John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda)
—"What is your major malfunction, numb-nuts?" (Sgt. Hartman in Full Metal Jacket)
—"Would it make you feel any better...if they was pushed outta windows?" (Archie Bunker to Gloria, in response to the number of people killed annually by handguns)
—"Why you no crapping?" (Benny Hill, as Oriental man)
—"Does Joe Jackson HAVE to be in his videos?" (Gallagher)
—"Who the hell is Rula Lenska?" (Johnny Carson)
—"You listen to singing meat loafs?" (my brother Earnie)
—"Do you mind if I call you 'Arse'?" (singer Phil Collins to talk show host Arsenio Hall)
—"Do I have a scrotum?" (Sharon Osbourne)
—"What are you people—on dope?" (Mr. Hand in Fast Times At Ridgemont High)
—"Why is there no blue food?" (George Carlin) [Blueberries are purple!]
—"What's the matter, honey--does your hair hurt?" (Redd Foxx, to an uptight female audience member)
—"How can a guy who changes his name and wears a toupee be 'telling it like it is'?" (Joe Garagiola regarding Howard Cosell)
—"Well, what're we suppose to do, ya mo'ron?" (Stork in National Lampoon's Animal House)
—"How could anyone be so unkind to arrest a man for driving while blind?" (ZZ Top)
—"How do you not fall down more?" (Chandler Bing to Joey on "Friends")
—"How come he's got those two Cocoa Puffs stuck to his cheek?" (Beavis, regarding Lemmy from Motorhead)
—"How you get so big eating food of this kind?" (Yoda to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back)
—"Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?" (George Carlin)
—"Are you totally deranged?" (John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda)
—"What is your major malfunction, numb-nuts?" (Sgt. Hartman in Full Metal Jacket)
—"Would it make you feel any better...if they was pushed outta windows?" (Archie Bunker to Gloria, in response to the number of people killed annually by handguns)
—"Why you no crapping?" (Benny Hill, as Oriental man)
Seems like I've done this a hundred times already...
...OH WAIT--I HAVE!
After only two months and change, this is my 100th blog entry already. You be the judge--is this a good thing or a bad thing?
MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE—BY THE WAY, YOU’RE BLACK!
The all-knowing, all-seeing triumvirate jury on Faux News Channel’s morning show (Super Doofus Steve Doocy, the blonde with the ugly legs, and that other dork whose name escapes me) today accused the Grammy Awards people of having an "agenda" by awarding five Grammies to the Dixie Chicks last night, as well as one to former Prez Jimmy Carter (Best Spoken Word Recording or some such thing). Why, whatever would possess them to suggest something like that? They’re so "fair and balanced", after all!
Certainly, no one on THIS blog would EVER dare accuse Fox News Channel of having an "agenda", would they? [Chuckle/snort/wheeze/guffaw/tee-hee!] Then again, in the words of Fred Sanford, "If the shoe fits--shove it up your nose!" AND, I have no doubt that FNC will be sure to point out any alleged "agenda" in the unlikely event that, say, Ted Nugent and Dubya ever win Grammies in the same year…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #9
"Right Down The Line"—GERRY RAFFERTY (1978) "When I wanted you to share my life…" sounded kinda like "When I wanted you to shave my wife…" to me. You’ve heard of blurred vision? Well, sometimes I have blurred hearing…
I’M NOT SURE, BUT…
I think I saw Don Imus actually crack a smile this morning on his show! I was about half-asleep at the time, though, so it may have been a dream. I have to be careful not to leave his show on in lieu of my snooze-alarm time in the morning or I’ll fall back to sleep and be late for work…
NICE COMEBA(RA)CK!
In response to Mr. Big Mouth Dumbass Australian Prime Minister’s criticism of him (see previous post), Barack Obama suggested that perhaps the Aussies ought to send 20,000 of their troops to Iraq instead of us. Nice return of serve, and not a bad idea either, Bro!
A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
To singer Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child, who turned 26 yesterday. I only bring this up because I wanted to make any of the producers at VH-1 who might be reading this aware that Ms. Rowland was born in 1981. You see, they included her personal recollections on their "I Love the '70s" anthology show a couple years ago. Do the math, folks, and tell me what's wrong with that picture?
WELL, DOGGIES!
The Westminster Kennel big-time dog show from Madison Sq. Garden is currently airing on USA network as I type. I'm hardly a dog enthusiast, but I get a kick out of watching this thing if for no other reason just to hear the announcers say the word "bitch" without being censored! [Yes, I know I'm rather shallow sometimes.] I keep waiting for one of these dogs to trip up their handler while they run around the circuit too! I'm also patiently awaiting the Weenie Dog competition. At least this year they don't have that old lady judge who resembled Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars…
Meantime, in an absolutely brilliant piece of counter-programming, Animal Planet is airing the "World's Ugliest Dog" competition directly opposite the Westminster thing, and it's funny as hell! Much to my chagrin, though, neither Rosie O'Donnell or Joan Rivers' ugly-ass daughter were among the contestants…
After only two months and change, this is my 100th blog entry already. You be the judge--is this a good thing or a bad thing?
MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE—BY THE WAY, YOU’RE BLACK!
The all-knowing, all-seeing triumvirate jury on Faux News Channel’s morning show (Super Doofus Steve Doocy, the blonde with the ugly legs, and that other dork whose name escapes me) today accused the Grammy Awards people of having an "agenda" by awarding five Grammies to the Dixie Chicks last night, as well as one to former Prez Jimmy Carter (Best Spoken Word Recording or some such thing). Why, whatever would possess them to suggest something like that? They’re so "fair and balanced", after all!
Certainly, no one on THIS blog would EVER dare accuse Fox News Channel of having an "agenda", would they? [Chuckle/snort/wheeze/guffaw/tee-hee!] Then again, in the words of Fred Sanford, "If the shoe fits--shove it up your nose!" AND, I have no doubt that FNC will be sure to point out any alleged "agenda" in the unlikely event that, say, Ted Nugent and Dubya ever win Grammies in the same year…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #9
"Right Down The Line"—GERRY RAFFERTY (1978) "When I wanted you to share my life…" sounded kinda like "When I wanted you to shave my wife…" to me. You’ve heard of blurred vision? Well, sometimes I have blurred hearing…
I’M NOT SURE, BUT…
I think I saw Don Imus actually crack a smile this morning on his show! I was about half-asleep at the time, though, so it may have been a dream. I have to be careful not to leave his show on in lieu of my snooze-alarm time in the morning or I’ll fall back to sleep and be late for work…
NICE COMEBA(RA)CK!
In response to Mr. Big Mouth Dumbass Australian Prime Minister’s criticism of him (see previous post), Barack Obama suggested that perhaps the Aussies ought to send 20,000 of their troops to Iraq instead of us. Nice return of serve, and not a bad idea either, Bro!
A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
To singer Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child, who turned 26 yesterday. I only bring this up because I wanted to make any of the producers at VH-1 who might be reading this aware that Ms. Rowland was born in 1981. You see, they included her personal recollections on their "I Love the '70s" anthology show a couple years ago. Do the math, folks, and tell me what's wrong with that picture?
WELL, DOGGIES!
The Westminster Kennel big-time dog show from Madison Sq. Garden is currently airing on USA network as I type. I'm hardly a dog enthusiast, but I get a kick out of watching this thing if for no other reason just to hear the announcers say the word "bitch" without being censored! [Yes, I know I'm rather shallow sometimes.] I keep waiting for one of these dogs to trip up their handler while they run around the circuit too! I'm also patiently awaiting the Weenie Dog competition. At least this year they don't have that old lady judge who resembled Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars…
Meantime, in an absolutely brilliant piece of counter-programming, Animal Planet is airing the "World's Ugliest Dog" competition directly opposite the Westminster thing, and it's funny as hell! Much to my chagrin, though, neither Rosie O'Donnell or Joan Rivers' ugly-ass daughter were among the contestants…
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