Fallen Idols

My apologies for the length of this post, but please indulge me a bit here, if you will...

"It’s not the pain that hurts—what hurts is finding out that one of your idols is a real asshole!"

Those are the words of a cocktail waitress at the famed Troubadour nightclub in L.A. who was accidentally punched by an out-of-control and drunk-off-his-ass John Lennon in 1974 at a Smothers Brothers show, during one of Lennon’s infamous lost weekends while separated from Yoko Ono.  Although I’ve never been assaulted by one of my idols, I can relate to that quote in terms of watching those who I once worshipped go over to the Dark Side, so to speak.  I guess it’s a sign of my own personal growth that I’m able to sort through the B.S. and see them for who they really are now, but it still sucks to realize they aren’t (or never quite were) the person I idolized when I was young.

The poster child for this phenomenon is Ted Nugent.  When I was 14, I wanted to BE Ted Nugent.  His music was loud and testosterony—perfectly suited for adolescents like me.  I Ioved his attitude in concert:  "Anybody wants to get mellow, you can turn around and get the fuck outta here!"  I still love his music today (and always will), but I’ve grown really weary of all the right-wing psuedo-patriot histrionics he spews forth now via TV interviews, as well as his own radio show and lame reality TV show.  Nugent has always had a big mouth, to be sure, but back in 1978, his cockiness and bravado were funny and rather endearing.  Now it’s all just pure arrogant macho bullshit in my eyes.

My current distaste for Nugent began in the late ‘90s when he started portraying himself as "Mr. Conservative Family Values Man"—riiiight.  This coming from a guy who played on-stage wearing nothing but a loin cloth, not to mention a guy who has had more paternity suits slapped on him than Hugh Grant.  Conservative, my ass!  Then he started kissing up to the Republican Party, campaigning for Dubya under the guise of being a "patriotic American", when I know damn well it was all just to ensure he and his NRA buddies could keep their precious guns.

My my, what raging paranoia these NRA-types have, by the way!  Just for the record, my official stance on guns is if you just have to have them, fine, whatever, but they are way too easy to obtain in this country (witness Columbine, et al) and there need to be stricter gun laws to keep them out of the wrong hands.  Oh yeah, one more thing:  don't bash me just because I choose NOT to own a gun—this means YOU, Ted!  I'm the last person you want owning a gun anyway—if I did, every barking dog within 200 yards of my house would be dead.  But, I digress...

Long about that same time, Nugent got on this bigoted "Get out of America if you can’t speak English" kick during his concerts, which had absolutely nothing to do with the performances thereof, and I was really turned-off by it.  When I attend a concert, I’m there to be entertained, not to be fed a bunch of radical right-wing political folderol and/or racism, and Ted crosses the line time and time again.  I also find it highly hypocritical on his part to malign Hispanic people when his own bass player's last name is Mendoza, yet he constantly refers to him as a "blood brother"!  Nuge has also been known to spout off about gays, liberals and anyone else who isn’t "just like him" and while Ted’s entitled to his opinions, I personally think he’s talking out of his ass most of the time now.  The real shame about it is he can still play guitar with the best of them, but he doesn’t seem to care that much about his musical career anymore.  There was a time when I’d have walked the proverbial "mile for a Camel" to see Nugent in concert—now I wouldn’t even walk to the end of my back yard to see him play because he’s become such an insufferable jackoff.  Hey Ted, why don't you take the late Frank Zappa's advice: "Shut up and play yer guitar!"

As much as I love Kiss, Gene Simmons is another of the idols of my youth who’s become a major disappointment to me in recent years.  While not nearly as offensive as Nugent, this once-great Rock & Roll warrior whom I idolized when I was 12 has revealed himself to be a total money-grubber and egomaniac, all the while pissing all over his own band’s legacy.  True, the whole merchandising thing was part of the Kiss arsenal 30 years ago, but it seemed innocent enough then.  Now, it’s become a joke to watch Simmons (and Paul Stanley, to a much lesser extent) look for every possible way to milk a buck off the band’s name to the point where you can now buy everything from Kiss tampons to your very own Kiss casket ("Death, I hear you calling…").  Sebastian Bach of Skid Row accurately pointed out recently that the ultimate piece of merchandise for the average Kiss fan right now would be a new Kiss album, but Gene doesn’t seem interested in providing the fans with one of those anytime soon.

Meanwhile (with all due respect to Eric Singer and Tommy Thayer—both fine musicians, indeed), the band itself now looks more like a Kiss tribute band than the real thing.  Five years ago, it would have been unfathomable that I would miss a Kiss concert in Kansas City, but they’ve been through here twice since then and I passed both times—it’s just not the same without Ace and Peter, and it’s mostly because of Simmons that they are no longer in the band.  Gene’s insatiable ego also manifests itself in other ways, like his lame reality show "Family Jewels", not to mention his arrogant claim to have had sex with 3,000 women (or whatever his current figure is).  Give me a break already—if he’d tried to fuck that many women, he’d be dead by now!

A couple years back, I nearly lost all respect for Simmons when he showed up on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" to obstensibly play the game, when he was really there just to hawk his latest tell-all/Ace-and-Peter-bashing book, and the fucker didn't even know what a pachyderm was!  Then I wanted to hurl when I found out the fire-breathing, blood-spitting demon I once idolized was also hawking his book on "The View" (witness this photo) with Baba Wawa and Co.  See also my beer commercial rant on him a few posts back.  Gene still talks a good game about how the fans are #1 and that he still cares about the music and all, but I'm not buying it anymore.  I'd rather watch the old videos of then it was real...

Ted and Gene are just two examples, with another being Eddie Van Halen (whom I previously discussed a couple posts back), and I'd even include Danny Bonaduce in that league (although I never really idolized him all that much).  I guess it's a testament to my own maturity that I'm not all starry-eyed and blindly worshipping these guys anymore.  Still, I can't help but feel betrayed sometimes...

Great Moments In Radio--Volume I

My radio career might’ve been brief, but it yielded more than a fair amount of funny stories, which I’ll share from time to time here.

Back in 1987 at the "Mighty 1030" in Blue Springs, MO, I stumbled across an album in the files one day by Huey "Piano" Smith, who did the original version of "Rockin’ Pnuemonia-Boogie Woogie Flu", which Johnny Rivers later successfully covered in 1972.  On the back of the album jacket, someone scrawled a huge note next to that particular track title that read, "DO NOT PLAY—IT SKIPS IN THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE!!!"  So, just for shits and grins, I put the record on the turntable (off the air, of course) and sure enough, midway through the line, "I wanna squeeze her, but I’m way too low…" it skipped.  Imagine the horror the poor unsuspecting DJ had to deal with: "I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]/I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]/I wanna squeeze her but [CLICK]…"

Former CBS News anchor Dan Rather once told a similar story about when he worked in radio back in the '50s and was playing this religious program that was on a vinyl record.  The record got stuck on the last three words of the preacher's sermon where he said something like, "If you fail to do so, you will go to hell," whilst Dan was outside smoking a cigarette or something.  Thus, the radio audience was treated to a good five minutes-worth of "Go to hell!"  Fumble!!!

I'm so damn thankful...

...I don't have to wake up next to either of these creatures on a regular basis! In the words of Fred Sanford: "I'd rather kiss Mighty Joe Young's armpit!" Fuck that--even kissing Meat Loaf's armpit would be a step in the right direction!

I gots my questions...

A few thoughts to ponder...

—Are clams really all that happy?
—Is rain always right?
—Is pie truly that easy?
—Are dogs actually that sick?
—Should we do an autopsy on door nails?
—Are mice all that quiet?
—Are rocks always solid?
—Should we be impressed with minds like steel traps?
—Is the sky the true limit?
—Is snot really that slick?
—Do the eyes really have it?
—How light is air, really?
—Is gold all that good?
—Are sheets always white?
—Are whips all that smart?
—Are machines usually that well-oiled?
—What is the exact I.Q. of box of rocks?
—Do logs actually sleep?

The Bottom Five WORST Guitar Solos of All-Time

Dedicated to those who don't have a clue how to grind an axe!

1) "I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll"—JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS (1982)  Not sure who the guitar player is here (I don’t think it’s Joan), but it sounds like he/she played it in his/her sleep!
2) "I Love It Loud"—KISS (1982)  It’s a mystery who actually played this stillborn thing (it's most definitely NOT Ace Frehley) because the lead guitarist position for Kiss was in flux at the time, but whoever it was, it sucked like a Hoover vacuum...
3) "Mad About You"—BELINDA CARLISLE (1986)  Duran Duran’s Andy Taylor ruined a perfectly good love song with his squealy solo that sounded so out-of-place with the rest of the tune—hey Andy, come back when you learn how to play that thing, okay, Bud?!? Good rule of thumb: guitar feedback and love songs generally are not a good mix!  The Carpenters had a song called "Goodbye To Love" that suffered from a similar malady.
4) "Hot Blooded"—FOREIGNER (1978)  Mick Jones sounded like he was playing with an ice pick here instead of a guitar pick...
5) "Hot Girls In Love"—LOVERBOY (1983)  With all apologies to Loverboy's Paul Dean, I’m not sure why this one bugs me—it just does.  Dumb song and even dumber video too...

DISHONORABLE MENTION: "Cover Of The Rolling Stone"—DR. HOOK & THE MEDICINE SHOW (1973)  This would have made the above list, except for one little thing—it was supposed to sound bad!

The Top 25 Greatest Rock & Roll Guitar Solos of All-Time

Dedicated to those who have an axe to grind...

1) ACE FREHLEY/PAUL STANLEY, Kiss—“Detroit Rock City” (1976)  More Ace than Paul here, but this one has always been my favorite, and I can’t actually say why. It just is…
2) JIMI HENDRIX, Jimi Hendrix Experience—“All Along The Watchtower” (1968)  This was Jimi’s finest hour, musically.  Sadly, it was all downhill for him after this one, but when he wasn’t all drugged-out, he could make some amazing sounds with his fingers.
3) JOHN ENTWISTLE, The Who—“5:15” (Live-2000)  Greatest bass solo ever recorded!  A three-and-a-half minute roller coaster ride that'll render you awe-struck, dumb-struck, and downright dizzy, courtesy of the greatest bass player on the planet.
4) RANDY RHOADS, Ozzy Osbourne—“I Don’t Know” (1981)  I could list most any solo he ever did here and it would be appropriate.  Another favorite of mine is his solo on the live version of “Children Of The Grave” on the Tribute CD.  One can only imagine what this guy would have gone on to do, and if he were still with us, he would be even more revered than Eddie Van Halen is.  What a waste…
5) EDDIE VAN HALEN, Van Halen—“Eruption” (1978)  Speaking of the devil, one can only guess how many countless guitar players were inspired by this track…
6) ALLEN COLLINS, Lynyrd Skynyrd—“Free Bird” (1973)  I didn’t know until recently that he played this whole damn thing all by himself!  This guy was better than I ever realized...
7) BUDDY HOLLY, The Crickets—“Peggy Sue” (1957)  Short, sweet and petite, but very cool, and way ahead of its time.  Ol' B.H. had really cool initials, too!
8) DRAKE LEVIN, Paul Revere & The Raiders—"Louie, Louie" (Live-1965)  This rambunctious solo made Keith Richards and Dave Davies look like rank amateurs!
9) ERNIE ISLEY, The Isley Brothers—“That Lady” (1973)  Under “blistering” in the dictionary it says “listen to this”.  Every time I hear this lazer-like guitar work, it makes me think of a hot summer day.  This thing could melt the siding clean off your house!
10) DUANE ROLAND/DAVE HLUBEK/STEVE HOLLAND, Molly Hatchet—“Fall of The Peacemakers” (1983)  Sort of a poor man’s “Free Bird”, but still mighty fine guitar work.
11) ANGUS YOUNG, AC/DC—”Let There Be Rock” (1977)  Never ceases to amaze me how this little dude rolls around on stage like that and NEVER misses a note!
12) ACE FREHLEY, Kiss—”Let Me Go, Rock ‘N’ Roll” (Live-1975)  Space Ace gets to stretch his muscles and jam a bit—a rarity on a Kiss record.
13) DAVE EDMUNDS, Love Sculpture—“Sabre Dance” (1968/1994)  Khachaturian’s classical classic gets re-worked into a four-minute guitar solo by Sir Edmunds.  The cleaner, meaner ‘94 version (even with the drum machine) is every bit as cool as the original, too.
14) RANDY BACHMAN, Bachman-Turner Overdrive—“You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” (1974)  Not necessarily the solo here, but the sinewy guitar work throughout the entire song is downright awesome.
15) PETE TOWNSHEND, The Who—“Shakin’ All Over” (1970)  Pete isn’t particularly renowned for his lead guitar work as much as he is for his songwriting and power chords, but on the night The "'Orrible 'Oo" recorded Live At Leeds, he sounded like Jimi Hendrix.
16) RITCHIE BLACKMORE, Deep Purple—“Highway Star” (Live, 1973)  “Stupid-fast” is an apt description of the solo here on Made In Japan.  Fortunately in this case, speed don’t kill...
17) BILLY GIBBONS, Z.Z. Top—“La Grange” (1974)  Rev. Billy G. delivers a feedback-laden six-string sermon that would bring Godzilla to his knees.  Haw-haw-haw-haw, indeed!
18) NILS LOFGREN, Bruce Springsteen—“Tunnel Of Love” (1987)  This is the one that The Boss yodels along with, but for some reason, it really works!
19) JOHN ENTWISTLE, The Who—"My Generation" (1965)  “The Ox” gave the world its first Rock ‘N’ Roll bass solo here.  Often imitated, never equaled…
20) TED NUGENT—“Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” (Live-1978)  Ah yes, the good ol’ days when Ted talked through his guitar instead of out of his ass…
21) RANDAL CHOWNING, Ozark Mountain Daredevils—"Jackie Blue" (1975)  Just like "You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet", not only is the solo cool here, but the slide guitar throughout the entire song is downright hypnotic.  Just as an aside, when this first came out, I thought it was a chick singing this song, so imagine my surprise when I saw OMD on "The Midnight Special" with this bearded dude with a high voice singing it!
22) HENRY PAUL/HUGHIE THOMASSON/BILLY JONES, The Outlaws—"Green Grass & High Tides" (1975)  "Free Bird" inspired a wave of copy-cat triple-lead guitar solos that lasted over five minutes from other Southern bands, and this was the first (and best) of them.  No doubt all the Album Rock DJs back then loved this song because it lasted long enough to smoke a joint or two…
23) SCOTTY MOORE, Elvis Presley—"Hard Headed Woman" (1958)  Guitar solos were a rare commodity in the ‘50s, especially good ones!
24) DUANE ROLAND/DAVE HLUBEK/STEVE HOLLAND, Molly Hatchet—"Boogie No More" (1980) Yet another mini-"Free Bird", but a damn good one.
25) ACE FREHLEY, Kiss—"She" (Live-1975)  Another of the rare times when Kiss would just jam on stage and allow Ace to really cut loose.

She's got legs, and she knows how to use them...

MY TOP TEN CELEBRITY LEGS (IN PAIRS) OF ALL-TIME

1) Belinda Carlisle (The Go-Go’s)  Loved to watch her dance on stage in those high heels too!
2) Bebe Neuwirth ("Cheers"/"Frasier")  When she’s not made up as Lillith, she’s hot.  She’s a dancer on Broadway too and she sure looks good in fishnets!
3) Fran Drescher ("The Nanny")  Best enjoyed with the "mute" button on.  The girl that played the oldest daughter on that show had pretty nice legs too…
4) Jane Leeves ("Frasier")  She’s a dancer too—I love that scene where she and Niles are tango-ing and she lifts her leg over his shoulder.  Yeoww!  Got plenty of exposure as one of Hill's Angels on "The Benny Hill Show" too.  (Get it? Exposure! Benny Hill Show! Har-de-har-har...)
5) Anni-frid "Frida" Lyngstad (ABBA)  Put Agnetha’s tush and Frida’s legs on the same body and then we’d really have something to behold!
6) Catherine Bach ("The Dukes Of Hazzard")  Why ELSE do you think horny teenagers like me tuned in that show week after week?  The high drama?  The sublime humor?  The clever dialogue?  The charisma of Boss Hogg?  The "General Lee"?  I think not…
7) Angie Dickinson ("Police Woman")  She’s old enough to be my mother, but STILL has dynamite legs!
8) Tina Turner  Couldn’t possibly leave her off this list, now could I?
9) Mercedes Ruehl (Movie actress)  Awesome legs, but she sometimes gives me the creeps because she looks and talks like Ralph Macchio in drag!
10) Ann-Margret (Movie actress/Dancer)  Like Ms. Dickinson, she's old enough to be my mom also, but she's still got it, too!  Her legs were well-represented in the Tommy movie...

You're not well, Mr. Blackwell

That’s a line from a Kiss song—hope Gene Simmons doesn’t mind me pirating it!

Every year about this time, I'm forced to ask this question: "Who the hell is this Mr. Blackwell douche-bag, and why are his opinions considered so damn important?"  Once again, this self-appointed twit gave the world his unsolicited opinions this week about who’s best-dressed and worst-dressed in celeb-dom.  And as per his usual, his worst-dressed list is nothing more than a lame collection of pot shots at the usual way-too-easy targets like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, et al., and bad puns like "From Streep you could weep."  Hey, Numb-nuts, that was Meryl Streep's movie character!  It was her job to dress like that—she doesn’t dress like that in real life (The Devil Wears Prada is an overrated film, btw).  I seem to remember one year the vaunted Mr. B. even put down the gal that played Mimi on the "Drew Carey Show" for the same thing.  What a maroon!  To me, he’s yet another one of these worthless celebrities that America makes famous (and reveres) for no good reason (á la Ryan Seacrest, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Kato Kaelin, et al).  In the words of Pete Townshend, "Why should I care? WHY should I care?"

R.I.P. Yvonne DeCarlo

Our first major celebrity passing of the new year is actress Yvonne DeCarlo—better known as the matriarch of "The Munsters"—who died yesterday at age 84.  That character was perfect for her—Lily could rag on Herman a lot and be a bee-yatch sometimes, but overall she was alright in my book, and as TV moms go, I’d put her right up there with Mrs. C. and Shirley Partridge.  A lot of people don’t know that Yvonne DeCarlo was a fairly serious movie actress (and singer) back in the ‘40s and ‘50s, and was quite the hottie in her day, often playing seductresses and femme-fatales.  She initially was reluctant to even do Lily Munster, but her husband was a Hollywood stuntman who was seriously injured while filming How The West Was Won long about that time and they really needed the paycheck, thus a legend was born.  If nothing else, you have to admire her stamina in doing that show day-in and day-out—didn’t it look as if that wig she wore weighed more than she did?  Unfortunately, she was typecast by Lily after "The Munsters" went off the air, and was reduced to roles in crappy B-movie schlock like Blazing Stewardesses and Satan’s Cheerleaders, the occasional "Fantasy Island"/"Love Boat" spot, and doing denture commercials on TV, but bless her heart for being the most delightfully ghoulish housewife of all-time—now reunited with Herman and Grandpa in that Great Crypt in the Sky!

Oops! They did it again!

Well, the (C)Rock & Roll Hall of Fame folks have outdone themselves this time.  While they did manage to get it right by FINALLY voting Van Halen in (see my previous December 7th post), imagine my absolute horror in hearing that in the same induction class with them will be Rappers Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five.  You gotta be shittin’ me!  Must we remind these dunderheads again that this is the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame?  Who they gonna induct next, Tone-Loc?  Okay, I do realize that Rock ‘N’ Roll means different things to different people, but this is a joke!  If and when someone puts together a Rap/Hip-Hop HOF, then I’m sure Gaspasser Flush and crew belongs there.  Meantime, they belong in the Rock Hall about as much as Liberace does.  In the words of former Denver Broncos head coach Lou Saban, "They’re killin’ me, Whitey, they’re killin’ me!"

BTW, for the uninitiated out there—I can’t stand Rap, and I refuse to officially recognize it as a form of music.  And don’t forget, you can’t spell "crap" without it!  Call me narrow-minded all you want, but I'm being honest here...

As for the other Class of '07 inductees, The Ronettes should’ve gotten in years ago, being one of the better "Girl Groups" of all time...Patti Smith?!?  Puh-leeze!  She’s never been more than a mere cult figure in Rock—yet another act that all the Rolling Stone critics go ape-shit over for no particular reason.  Her only real hit, "Because The Night", needed an assist or two from Bruce Springsteen, too—I'd have sooner voted Patty Smyth (of Scandal fame) into the Hall—at least she had some talent...R.E.M. are borderline HOF’ers, at best.  I like some of their stuff (as did Leonard Bernstein, I presume), but overall I think they’re pretty overrated, and Michael Stipe’s over-seriousness about everything wears thin on me after a while.  R.E.M.’s a good band, not a great band, but since they’re another group the critics go ape-shit over, they got voted in the nanosecond they were eligible, just like U2 did.  Van Halen had to wait three years. Figures...

Getting back to VH, what’s really going to be intriguing is who will actually be there to accept their award and/or perform at the HOF ceremony.  For those of you who’ve lost track of this soap opera, the band is now strictly a family affair—only those with the last name Van Halen are allowed in the band now, evidently.  Eddie has apparently burned his bridges with singer Sammy Hagar (again), as well as with singer Gary Cherone (who had the proverbial "cup of coffee" with the band in 1997), and bassist Michael Anthony has also been told his services are no longer needed.  So currently, it’s down to Eddie, Alex, and Eddie’s 15-year-old son Wolfgang replacing Anthony on bass (whether young master Wolfie can actually play the bass is a matter of conjecture).  There are also rumors of Eddie trying to do a deal (runnin'?) with the devil to lure back David Lee Roth—even though they hate each other’s guts.  However, Diamond Dave claims he has not talked to Eddie in two years, and warns that a reunion with Van Halen could result in a "NASCAR-style wreck," or "Jerry Springer style fight."  I tend to agree.  Hagar, to his credit, has taken the high road in all this, but he’s basically said he’s through with Van Halen, and I can’t say I blame him.  Officially, it's going to be the original four (Eddie, Alex, Mike and Dave), plus Sammy being inducted, but it's anybody's guess what's going to happen at the ceremony.


What on earth has happened to Eddie Van Halen?  Does he not look like the second coming of Charles Manson in these photos?  He seemed to be a genuinely nice guy until about ten years ago, but he’s become so petty and childish since kicking Sammy out the first time, thus rendering his band totally irrelevant now.  I know he’s had health problems with the mouth cancer and all (smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?), and no doubt the drugs and alcohol have taken their toll over the years, but what I don't get is why he’s also become such a total jerk to everyone he ever worked with except his brother.  It’s pretty sad to see a guy who was once the Wayne Gretzky of Rock ‘N’ Roll guitar players become such a pathetic has-been.  Come back to us, Eddie—we miss you!

Starsky & Son? Sanford & Hutch?

Thanks to the miracle of DVD technology, I've spent a ton of time re-visiting old TV shows from the '70s, and a favorite of mine has been "Starsky & Hutch".  Over the course of this, I couldn't help but notice the connection between S&H and my all-time favorite sitcom, "Sanford & Son".  It's amazing how many people made at least one appearance on both S&S and S&H—practically everyone from S&S except Fred, Lamont and Bubba!

First off, Captain Dobey himself, Bernie Hamilton, played a cop on S&S (subbing for Smitty in one ep), and ironically, the late Richard Ward, who played Captain Dobey in the S&H pilot episode only, played Fred’s poker-playing buddy on S&S.  Captain Dobey’s wife was portrayed by Lynn Hamilton (no relation to Bernie), who was of course, Fred’s long-suffering girlfriend Donna Harris.  Aunt Esther (the late LaWanda Page) played a blind woman in an ill-advised attempt at an S&H spinoff featuring Huggy Bear and some hick white guy—“Huggy & Honky”, perhaps?  Esther’s TV husband Woodrow (Raymond Allen), had a recurring role as Hutch’s shifty mechanic, and Fred’s best friend Grady (the late Whitman Mayo) appeared on a latter-day S&H ep.  Huggy Bear himself, Antonio Fargas, played Grady's "lawyer/tailor" on S&S, and the late Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita, who played the politically-incorrect Ah Chew on S&S, did S&H also.  Even the late Stymie Beard (of "Little Rascals" fame) appeared on both shows, as did late actress Fritzi Burr (the “White Esther” who appeared on several S&S eps as various “ugly white women” for Fred to ridicule).  Other famous personalities who made appearances on both shows include actor Roscoe Lee Browne, “The NFL Today”’s Jayne Kennedy, and the late Scatman Crothers from “Chico & The Man".  Too bad Redd Foxx and Demond Wilson never appeared on S&H--I can see it now: "Freeze, Dummy!"

While I'm on the subject of "Starsky", a few observations: If these guys were undercover cops, then why'd they go on stakeouts in a car that stood out like a turd in a punchbowl?  Ironically, the red Torino was originally supposed to be a green Camaro, but the producers had already done a deal with Ford to provide all the vehicles for the show, thus a legend was born—every block around town had at least two red Gran Torinos with white stripes when I was in 7th grade!

I also find it amusing how they recycled the same rundown hotels/store fronts/theaters, etc. (in L.A., I assume) for location shots in multiple episodes, even though the characters and situations were different each time.  Example: In one episode, this old movie theater was a porno house, and about two episodes later, it was a ballet studio!  One particular episode I watched the other day almost made me cry, too.  Starsky drove by a gas station that had unleaded for 62 CENTS A GALLON!  Absolutely heartbreaking...

And, finally: Why is it every cop show (and movie, for that matter) features a stereotypical blustery, ball-busting commander like Capt. Dobey (or the guy in 48 Hrs. being another example) who constantly bitches at his people for failing to do the job?  Meantime, the guy is always some out-of-shape donut-eating hack who makes Homer Simpson look like Lance Armstrong—totally incapable of chasing down a criminal if his life depended on it.

Anyway, in spite its flaws, "Starsky & Hutch" is the quintessential '70s crime drama show.  I hear those "Police Woman" reruns are out on DVD now too.  Oh, goody!

Miscellaneous (a)musings...

A FRIENDLY REMINDER...
...to those of you who haven't done so yet--TAKE DOWN your outdoor Christmas decorations, already!  A good rule of thumb: if it's Elvis' birthday (like today), and you still have your Yuletide stuff out, this is a sure sign of mental illness, because Christmas is OVER!  Or as they say in Brooklyn, OVAH!  I will, however, excuse the good people of eastern Colorado and western Kansas who are still stuck in that snowdrift—just get to it whenever you can, folks...

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?
I love the commercials for this insomnia reliever product called Ambien: "Side effects may include drowsiness..." I would hope so!

DO YOU THINK...
...there will ever come a day when Tony Danza plays a character than isn't named "Tony"?

HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD...
...a version of the classic song "Soul Man" that doesn't include "Play it, Steve!" right before the guitar solo?  Surely somebody named Dave or Louie has played guitar on a version of the song...

YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
Actual patient name at my workplace last week: Donita Doctor. Apparently so!

THE CHRYSLER "BINKY"?
Was stopped at a traffic light the other day behind a vehicle called the Chrysler Pacifica. The way the sun was shining off the nameplate on the back, I thought it said "Pacifier"!

AND NOW A WORD FROM--OH WAIT, NOT YET!
In between all the "American Idol" promos, Fox-TV did manage to work in the big football game tonight between Ohio State and Florida.  While the talking heads were yapping away during the pre-game show, the "Star-Spangled Banner" began playing in the stadium.  You could tell that Fox was about to fade to a commercial instead of airing the anthem, but wisely decided to stay with it, once the song started.  Good thing they did too, or I would have been forced to author a nasty rant about Mr. "Truth, justice and the Republican way", Fox-TV head honcho Rupert Murdoch, accusing him of being a phony patriot for allowing this to happen.  Maybe next time, huh?

Worst Cover Songs of All-Time

Since I did the Best Cover Songs of All-Time a while back, it only seems fair that I do the other end of the remake spectrum:

1) "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"/"Mr. Tambourine Man"—WILLIAM SHATNER (1968) [TIE]  These have to be the all-time champion worst remakes of all-time, bar none.  A little background:  In an effort to capitalize on his success from "Star Trek", William Shatner recorded an album called The Transformed Man.  Not real sure what sort of transformation took place here, since the album cover featured him in Capt. Kirk mode anyway.  What always amazes me about these albums from the ‘60s where TV and movie people took a shot at "singing", is that more than one person was involved in making them, and surely somewhere along the way, someone—be it the producer, a record company exec., one of the musicians, perhaps the recording studio janitor, whoever—could’ve have had the balls to stand up and say to the celebrity, "You really ought to re-think this…" or "This is downright abysmal!"  Anything to prevent the celebrity from embarrassing himself/herself.

Anyway, Shatner didn’t actually sing here—he just recited the lyrics, and over-emoted them at every turn.  "Picture yourself…in a boat…on a river…"/"a girl…with kaleidoscope EYES!", augmented with some chirpy girly singers doing the "Lucy In The Sky" choruses.  I can only imagine what John Lennon thought about this savage butchering of his song, but upon hearing this travesty, Paul McCartney was quoted as saying, "That was just wrong!"  Or as Shatner himself would say it, "That…was…just…WRONG!"  "Tambourine Man" was even funnier, with our Captain Kirk pleading and screaming at the end, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAAAAANNNNN!"  One of the rare times when a Bob Dylan song did NOT sound better when someone else recorded it...

2) “You Shook Me All Night Long”—CELINE DION/ANASTACIA (2002?)  Even though this wasn’t an actual recording per se, I’m including it anyway because it may well be the ultimate Rock ‘N’ Roll cringe moment.  It happened circa. 2002 on one of VH-1’s insufferable “Divas” shows wherein torch song/movie soundtrack queen Celine Dion was teamed up with R&B shouter Anastacia to duet on AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”. Don’t believe me?  Check it out here and be horrified, if you dare!  To say that these two were out of their element here is a MAJOR understatement!  I can honestly say that the first time I viewed this travesty, I was rendered totally dumbfounded—no, wait, downright speechless—for at least 30 minutes afterwards!  Between Anesthesia wailing away like a banshee on steroids and Ms. Dion playing air guitar and duck-walking across the stage (in high heels) like Chuck Berry, this catastrophe can best be described as a desperate cry for help.  This thing made that Oscar opening number with Rob Lowe seem almost palpable.  Then again, it could've been worse—they could have done "Whole Lotta Rosie" (or "Big Balls").  In any event, we HAVE been slimed…

3) "If I Had A Hammer"/"Proud Mary"—LEONARD NIMOY (1969) [TIE]  It seems most illogical that Mr. Spock didn’t learn from Cap’n Kirk’s failure the year before, and tried to pass himself off as "Soul Brother #2".  To his credit, he at least actually tried to sing, but sadly Nimoy's monotone voice had all the soul of a Lawrence Welk record, even with his valiant attempt to sound like John Fogerty ("Big wheels keep on toy-nin/Proud Mary keep on boy-nin").  Brother Leo was a fine narrator on TV, but he proved beyond the shadow of a doubt here that he ain’t no Sinatra—not even a Mel Torme.  The cheesy backing tracks were rather comical too—they seemed to have captured the essence of what the Larry Davis Experience on "The Simpsons" might have sounded like in real life...

4) “Another Saturday Night”—CAT STEVENS (1975)  Ol’ Yusuf sounded so utterly silly on this Sam Cooke classic—after sounding like a tree-hugging hippie on everything he’d recorded prior to it.  This putrid piece of chart desperation was akin to Bread doing “Mony, Mony” or Seals & Crofts doing "Wooly Bully".  It wasn’t long afterward that Cat got religion and shunned secular music and started supporting Islamic calls for Salman Rushdie’s execution, etc.  I'll politely defer to what comedian Dennis Miller once said on “Saturday Night Live" to convey my personal opinion here: “So much for all that ‘Peace Train’ crap, eh Cat?”  I hear Yusuf no longer shuns secular music and recently put out a new CD, and also loaned one or two of his old songs to current TV ads.  I guess if you need the paycheck bad enough, screw that religion crap, eh Cat (er uh, Yusuf)?  Asshole...

5) “Helter Skelter”—PAT BENATAR (1981)  Man, I hate to pick on Pat here, since she starred in more than a few of my dreams during my testosterony pubescent years, but somehow a sexy chick singer in a spandex leotard and tights singing a song inspired by Charlie Manson’s mayhem doesn’t quite register.  Motley Crue’s version wasn’t much better, either.

6) “I Saw Him Standing There”—TIFFANY (1987)  Didn’t this thing sound like it came from the soundtrack of some crappy Alyssa Milano movie or something?  Young Tiff' made Debbie Gibson seem like Madonna in comparison…

7) “Knock On Wood”—ANITA WOOD (1979)  The late Otis Redding must have been turning in his grave when this disco-fied piece of noise came out.  Nothing subtle about this recording, is there?

8) "Tell Me Why"—APRIL WINE (1982)  I have no clue why April Wine chose to take this really cool upbeat Beatles song and slow it to a crawl and suck the life right out of it.

9) "Rock And Roll All Nite"—GIN BLOSSOMS (1994)  Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!  Very similar to #8 here.  You don’t play this song slow under ANY circumstances.

10) “Cool Jerk ‘90”—THE GO-GO’S (1990)  Hate to criticize my girls here (after all, I went through puberty with them too—Jane and Belinda, in particular—and this one wasn't so bad as it was just totally unnecessary.  The Go-Go’s had already successfully covered this 1966 classic by The Capitols on their second album in 1982.  The song was a staple of their live act as well, but they redid the thing AGAIN just to have a new track on the first of their many greatest hits albums as part of the first of their many reunions, and it wasn’t nearly as good as the first time.  Might’ve made more sense just to throw in a live version of it on the best-of CD, hmm?  By the way (and I don't mean to be mean), it seems kinda sad when you have more greatest hits albums than original albums, don't it?

World's Dumbest Song Lyrics of All-Time, Vol. I

First of a recurring series (In no particular order)...

"Take The Money And Run"—STEVE MILLER BAND (1977) "…He knows exactly what the facts is."  "Facts is?"  My guess is ol’ Steve had the damndest time trying to find something to rhyme with "taxes".  English teachers everywhere should have swooned even more over this one than they did over Pink Floyd’s "We don’t need no education".  Steve actually might’ve been able to get away with this one had he written it about 15 years later during the fax machine era and could have somehow worked in the word "faxes".

"Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me?—PAUL STANLEY (1978) "You got the key, but babe, I locked the gate." Hate to pick on this one because it’s not a bad song, but this line makes no sense.  You locked the gate alright, but the fact remains, Paul—she’s STILL GOT THE KEY!!  Unless of course she’s a blonde and it’s a combination lock, then all bets are off…

"Time For Me To Fly"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1978) "…enough of the jealousy and the intoleration…"  Kevin Cronin apparently flunked English class in school, because there ain’t no such word as intoleration!  Intolerance, yes, but not intoleration.  What’s really stupid is he could have easily substituted "aggravation" or maybe "irritation" for intoleration, and it would have worked just fine.

"Honey Honey"—ABBA (1974) "You’re a doggone beast!"  ABBA’s Björn Ulvæus speaks five languages fluently and probably speaks English more better than I do (pun intended), but his use of metaphors is a whole other matter entirely.  A doggone beast?!?  That’s great if you’re referring to Shrek or perhaps a large vehicle with a Hemi in it, but not as a term of endearment in a schlocky love song.

"Jump"—VAN HALEN (1984)  I love Van Halen (at least before Eddie reincarnated into Little Hitler, I did, anyway), but I absolutely abhor this song!  I swear, I think David Lee Roth just made the words up to this one as he went along.  Follow along with me here, if you will: "I get up and nothing gets me down" (how nice to hear)/"You got it tough/I’ve seen the toughest around" (the toughest what?)/"You got to roll-o-oll with the punches to get to what’s real" (great advice, but what’s that got to do with the first two lines?)/"Can’t ya see me here/I got my back against the record machine" (shades of The Fonz)/"I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen" (whatever you say, Dave)/"Ah, can’t you see what I mean?" (No, not really Dave—hence why I’m writing this!)/"Ah, might as well Jump!" (Jump where? How high?).

The second verse is even dumber:  "Oh-ho! Hey you! Who said that?" (Huh?)/"Baby, how you been?" (I’m fine, thank you—how are you?)/"You say you won’t know until you begin." (Begin what?!?).  Does anyone have a clue what this song is about? I’m at a total loss.  And naturally it was the only Van Halen song to hit #1.

"Deuce"—KISS (1974) "Get up and get your grandma outta here"  Classic example of song lyrics that SOUND really cool when you sing them, but are total nonsense.  Even Gene Simmons (who wrote it) claims complete ignorance about what they mean, if anything.

"Goin’ Blind"—KISS (1974) "I'm 93, you're 16"  Gene strikes again with a song about an old man and a young chick.  Makes that whole Anna Nicole Smith thing seem almost bearable! Ewwww!

"Chevy Van"--SAMMY JOHNS (1975) "Get some sleep and dream of Rock And Roll." Okey-fine, Sam, to each his/her own.  I love R ‘n’ R, too, but dat ain’t high on my dream priority list.  No wonder he was a one-hit wonder…

"Roundabout"—YES (1972) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there." Yep, that’s pretty much what mountains do, alright—they just stand there!  BTW, you don't suppose there's a Yes tribute band out there named "Yep", do ya?  Or perhaps "Yeah"?  "Affirmative"?  Maybe "Aye, Aye"?  "Hell Yes", perhaps?  Whaddya mean "No"?!?

"Draggin’ The Line"—TOMMY JAMES (1971) "Huggin’ a tree when you get near it."  Ah yes, the line that gave birth to the phrase "Tree-hugging hippie"!  Too bad such a dopey line is in such a cool song…

"Hurts So Good"—JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP (1982) "Walk around all day long!" My objection here isn't the line itself so much as the way it’s emphasized in the song—as if this activity is something to get excited about.  I mean, "Walk around—ALL—DAY—LOONNG"?  How thrilling!  So typical of Mellencamp’s simple-minded lyrical style, too…

"Devil With A Blue Dress On"—MITCH RYDER & THE DETROIT WHEELS (1966)  Follow the bouncing ball through the first verse with me here: "…Lookin’ modern now—here she comes/Wearin’ a wig-hat (a what?!?) with shades to match (how do you match them to a wig-hat?)/high-heeled shoes and an alligator hat (sounds rather redundant if she’s already wearing a wig-hat, whatever that is!)/Wearin’ her pearls and a diamond ring/She got bracelets on her fingers (bracelets don’t go on fingers, they go on wrists!) and everything…"  Talk about your fashion nightmares!  Was she wearing a red nose and a flower that squirts water too?  Based on this description, this supposedly "modern" chick sounds like a cross between a drag queen and a bag lady!  Or should that be a bag queen and a drag lady?

And while I’m on the subject of lyrics—here’s an oft-misquoted line from Paul McCartney’s "Live And Let Die" (1973): "And in this ever-changing world in which we live in…"  Let me defend Sir Paul’s honor here because people screw this one up all the time.  If you listen carefully, the line actually goes, "And IF this ever-changing world in which WE’RE LIVING/Makes you give in and cry/Then Live And Let Die!"  Makes sense now, don’t it?
More to come later...

Please to see my moviereview

Okay kids, I finally gave in and actually went to see Borat the other night, after a dear friend razzed me for criticizing it in one of my early blog entries without actually seeing the film.  In my defense, I wasn’t criticizing the film itself at that time so much as all the hype and hysteria surrounding it because I felt as if the whole thing was being force-fed to me.  But, being’s as I hadn’t even set foot in a movie theater in almost two years anyway, and since I strive to be fair and balanced (unlike a certain news channel that shall remain nameless here), I decided to go see what all the fuss is about.

First off, I tried to block out my preconceived notions and negative attitude and went in with an open mind, but I have to say I still wasn’t impressed with Borat.  Actually, it wasn’t totally wretched—it DID have its moments now and then, especially the slapstick scenes, like with Borat and the fat prostitute on the mechanical bull, for one—but overall, I just didn’t care for it.  I tried to like this movie (I honestly did!), but it just didn’t work for me.

I’ll say one thing, though, if Sacha Baron Cohen’s aim was to offend people, he succeeded mightily.  Although I personally wasn’t terribly offended by anything in Borat, I can see how other people would have been.  Everyone made a fuss about the film being insulting to Jews (which it was), but hell, what about the good people of Kazakhstan itself?  They were basically portrayed as a bunch of backward-ass, scrotum-scratching, white trash hicks, and somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly accurate.  Also, there was just a tad too much male nudity in this movie than I’d care to look at—shit, this thing made Brokeback Mountain seem like a Disney flick in comparison!

Normally, I love a good satire (Weird Al Yankovic, "South Park", or "M.X.C." anyone?), but this one just wasn’t the laugh riot that I look for in a satire.  It took me a while to figure out why I was so put off by the movie, but I think it comes down to the way Cohen was constantly putting people on the spot.  I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like being fucked with—even if it’s all in good fun—and watching this guy make innocent people look stupid and/or feel uncomfortable made me squirm a lot, and that’s why I didn’t find it all that funny.

So alas, all you Sacha Baron Cohen fans out there--I’m sticking to my original prognostication that he'll make the ideal opening act for William Hung in Branson (where careers go to die) for many years to come.  He’s a one-shot deal, and he'll merely be the answer to a trivia question in a couple years.  But fear not—I'm sure he'll be fondly remembered by the hack comedian wanna-be's on VH-1's "I Love The '00s" when it airs in 2010...

By the way, NINE fucking bucks a ticket now?  Geez, Louise—you can get almost half a lap dance for that much!  NOW, I remember why I don’t go to movies much anymore…

Way to go, Bayou Bengals!

The L.S.U. Tigers football team made a friend for life in me last night by beating Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl in Nawleans.  They not only beat the Failing Irish, they stomped them "like a drag queen at a tractor pull" [Dr. Niles Crane, "Frasier"], 41-14!  For those of you who aren’t aware, there are few things in this world I despise more than the Notre Dame football team.  They rank right up there (down there?) with Bill O’Reilly, reality TV shows, Osama bin Laden, liver and onions, white supremacists, Kid Rock, broccoli, Rev. Fred Phelps, and diarrhea on my all-time shit list (pun intended).  It’s the ONE thing that my old man and I see eye-to-eye on—we both abhor this vaunted sports institution and their "we’re better than everyone so we deserve special treatment" attitude.  I’d sooner root for the New York (gulp!) Yankees than root for this (as Obi-Wan would say) "wretched hive of scum and villainy".  Thus, yesterday was elevated to "A.G.D." status for me—Automatic Good Day.  This means I could have been in a bad car wreck and lost a limb or two or my house could have burned to the ground or you could have stepped on my blue suede shoes and it STILL would have been a good day because Notre Dame lost a football game!  It’s just a shame that L.S.U. isn’t called the Beavers because I loved the headline in the paper a couple years back when Oregon State took out N.D. in a bowl game: "Beavers Humiliate the Fighting Irish".  I still have it taped to my desk, in fact.  Yes, I’m totally deranged about this, but I don’t care…

The Dumbest Celebrity Product Endorsements of All-Time

(In no particular order)

Penny Marshall/Rosie O’Donnell—K-Mart (early ‘00s):  Did the K-Mart people really expect us to believe that these two actually shopped there?  If so, I have some prime oceanfront property for sale in Manitoba I’d like to discuss with them...

Star Jones—PaylessShoeSource (2004):  Same scenario as above—I found it difficult to fathom that this vain, pompous and phony Oprah wanna-be would be caught dead shopping for strappy sandals there.  Hell, even I stopped shopping there for athletic shoes years ago...

Joe Namath—BeautyMist pantyhose (early ‘70s):  Pretty self-explanatory—what the hell were they/he thinking?!?  What, they couldn’t get Angie Dickinson or Ann-Margret to do these ads?  Or Cher?  Lola Falana?  Sandy Duncan, at least?  Any celebrity with some decent legs?  Even the drag queen Archie Bunker gave CPR to on "All In The Family" would have been a step in the right direction...

George Foreman—Meineke mufflers (current):  Car repair advice from an overweight has-been boxer who’s been hit in the head one too many times?  No thanks—I’ll stick with Mr. Goodwrench.

Andre Agassi—Canon EOS Rebel cameras (late ‘90s):  Rebel?  A tennis player?  Riiiiight…

Rafael Palmeiro—Viagra (circa. 2003-04):  Mr. Steroids himself admitted to America that he couldn’t get it up!  Bastard probably denies that now, too…

Gene Simmons—Miller Lite beer (2005):  For the last 30 years, I’ve heard this guy constantly brag about how he doesn’t drink alcohol—all the while bashing Ace Frehley and  Peter Criss for doing the same. So what the filth-flarn-filth is he doing on a beer commercial?  Damn sell out!  He could’ve at least endorsed a decent beer like Budweiser or Michelob Ultra.  Miller Lite tastes like someone has already drank it before you have...

Karl Malone—Rogaine (late ‘90s):  Either the Rogaine didn't work for the "Mailman" or Gillette made him a better offer because he shaves his head totally bald now...

Brenda Vaccaro—Playtex Tampons (early ‘80s):  The SCTV parody of these ads by Andrea Martin is a total hoot.  Vaccaro sounded like a moose in heat!  Feminine protection products and celebrities should NOT mix...

John Stamos—1-800-Collect (circa 2002-03):  These vapid ads were the ultimate in lameness, featuring the biggest hack sitcom actor this side of Tony Danza blathering on incessantly about who he talks to on the phone.  Can you believe A&E actually did a "Biography" episode on this guy?  They are definitely hitting bottom here—who are they gonna profile next, Ted McGinley?  Adrian Zmed?  Oy!

Catherine Zeta-Jones—T-Mobile cell phones (circa 2004-05):  I should point out here that CZ-J’s peers—successful actresses like Renee Zellweger and Kate Winslet, to name two—don’t seem to need to hawk cell phones for a living during the prime of their careers.  This activity is strictly for has-beens or never-were's...

Rula Lenska—Alberto VO-5 shampoo (late ‘70s):  This alleged actress from England was so unknown when these ads were running, it even prompted Johnny Carson to ask, "Who the hell is Rula Lenska?!?"  It’s still a mystery to this day even though the commercials puffed her up to be the biggest movie star this side of Liz Taylor.  She DID have pretty red hair, though…

Da Code! Da Code!

My DVD player was busy over the holiday weekend, as I also sat down and viewed Da Vinci Code, mostly to see what all the fuss was about, and as expected, I was highly underwhelmed.  I give DVC credit for actually holding my interest all the way through, but overall I found the plot to be too contrived and implausible, and I don’t get why so many religious people feel so threatened by this film.  Why is it the right-wing ultra-conservative Bible-thumper crowd always gets its collective panties in a wad over such mediocre movies?  I agree with something a co-worker of mine said to me last week (a church-going Baptist, I might add): if your faith can’t withstand a freakin’ Hollywood movie, then the problem lies with you and not the movie!  The same thing happened with The Last Temptation of Christ and The Passion of The Christ, neither of which I would normally have bothered to see, but since it pisses off the suppressive God Squad brethren when someone watches them, I felt obliged to check them out.  You could include Brokeback Mountain in that group too, although it was actually a decent story instead of a sub-par bore like those others.

I must admit that my agnostic viewpoint prevents me from being offended by films like these to begin with, but I honestly still don’t see what the big deal is here. For instance, Passion to me was nothing more than a gorier Jesus Christ Superstar minus all the singing and dancing, and Last Temptation was a total bore.  What really cracks me up is how every time the God Squadders create such an uproar about films they don’t want us to see, they wind up drawing so much undue and undeserved attention to them, and in turn, make box office smashes out of them!  If they’d just keep their yaps shut, no one would bother to see the damn things in the first place and they'd quietly fade away…

Heckuva job, Spikey!

I watched Spike Lee’s documentary on Hurricane Katrina, When The Levees Broke over the weekend.  I’ve never been a big fan of his because Lee’s always been a grandstander and sensationalist to me.  Example: I thought he made a total joke out of the Son of Sam thing in Summer Of Sam—so I was pretty skeptical about Levees at first.  But, I’d heard a lot of good things about it, and for once it appears Spike got it right.  I was actually impressed with the presentation of differing viewpoints (he even went after the so-called "liberal" mainstream news media and took a few shots at it here) and to my utter shock and total dismay, Rev. Al Sharpton actually had something useful to say for once!  Although I do question the credibility of some of the Katrina victims Lee interviewed (like the two white-trash gals clutching 22-oz. bottles of beer while bitching about FEMA, et al), the documentary opened my eyes to some things I wasn’t even aware of too, like how some of the cops actually joined in the looting—there’s a shot of one of New Orleans’ finest standing waist-deep in the water with an armful of DVDs (somehow, I don’t think he was merely holding them for evidence, either).  One thing I could have done without is Lee’s attempt at a big conspiracy theory about the government supposedly blowing up the levees on purpose (it’s pretty obvious they were sub-standard to begin with), but on the whole, it’s a very moving documentary.  The shots of the dead bodies floating in the water, as well as the poor elderly people who were left to die at the Convention Center/Superdome are downright chilling.

And if this nightmare wasn’t bad enough already, our own government’s pokey-ass response in assisting those in need was/is just appalling.  True, the government/FEMA, et al, couldn’t have prevented people from drowning in the rising waters, but they sure as hell could have and should have prevented the suffering that went on at the Superdome, etc.  The most ardent Bush supporter has to cringe at watching him do his "You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie!" shtick for the cameras—even Archie Bunker would be calling for his impeachment at this point!  Hell, Bush was so quick to offer aid to Iran (a country that hates our guts) following an earthquake, yet blew his own people off until he could get down to the Gulf Coast to do a photo-op.  Then again, as Mellencamp sings so "sincerely", "This is our country…" (Cha-ching!).  Anyway, I highly recommend When The Levees Broke—it’s well-worth investing the time to view it.

BTW, for those of you keeping score and were not already aware—I don’t like George W. Bush or his administration!  Just thought I’d clear that up…

And while I’m still in "Sir Rant-A-Lot" mode here, I’m growing a bit tired of this whole media-created "feel good" story about how the New Orleans Saints’ successful football season has been some sort of panacea for the people of the Big Easy.  What a bunch of hooey!  Half the population never came back home, and most of the people who’ve remained are still struggling and the city is still a shambles.  While I totally supported the renovation of the Superdome—it’s too vital to the city’s economic survival as they rely so much on convention and tourist dollars—all this jaw-jacking (mostly by ESPN-types) about the Saints’ success on the field being some sort of uplifting rallying point for the populace is a bunch of baloney.  Keep in mind, this commentary is coming from a long-time football fan!  Yes, it’s great that folks at least have something to cheer for, but most of the people who attend Saints games right now don’t even live in New Orleans, anyway—no one in the city itself can afford to go at $75 a pop for nosebleed seats!  This is why their NBA team is still playing most of its games in Oklahoma City, too.  Who do the media think they’re kidding?

"It seems to me a crime that we should age..."

That Bernie Taupin lyric from the Elton John song "Friends" caused a bit of introspection in me to begin the new year, and as I approach age 43 with my once-mighty eyesight starting to betray me a bit, I can't help but think about this stuff.

I tuned in this year's "New Year's Rockin' Eve" broadcast tonight specifically to listen to Dick Clark speak, and I was rather disturbed over how bad Dick sounded.  I viewed last year's "NYRE" broadcast, but never turned up the volume as I was playing something far more listenable than Ashlee Simpson (or whomever) on my stereo, thus I didn't get to hear what everyone was upset about at the time—the after-effects of the stroke D.C. suffered in '05—and it made me very sad tonight to hear that he obviously hasn't improved very much since then.  His once-smooth delievery now seems almost like Morse Code, sadly, and this once-youthful man now seems SO feeble and elderly—very tragic, indeed!  Bless his heart for soldiering on and all, but man, what a drag it is to see him deteriorate like this.  I guess the lesson here is to appreciate how fully-functional you still are and hope you are able to maintain your health even into your later years.

Need an excuse to drink?

Then try my newly-patented "John Madden Drinking Game"! The rules are so simple even Dubya could do it! During any football telecast that Big John presides over, take a drink (of the alcoholic beverage of your choice) whenever Madden:

—Utters the phrase "those types of things" or "those kinds of things."

—Overstates the blatantly obvious (Example: "When the referee throws that yellow flag, that means he's going to call a penalty.")

—Starts talking about spit, slobber, sweat, blood, drool, vomit, pus, or any other bodily fluids when describing a given play or player

—Glowingly praises Brett Favre (Makes no difference whether the Packers are actually playing in the game you're watching or not)

—Makes a totally senseless remark (Judgment call here!)

—Draws crappy pictures with the Telestrator

If you play properly, you'll be sloshed by halftime!

Cheers and Happy New Year, y'all!

Do you believe in miracles? Hell yes!

The planets all aligned properly, the Patriots beat Tennessee, Pittsburgh beat Cincinnati, and somehow, some way, San Francisco beat Denver, and honk my hooter--the Kansas City Chiefs are in the NFL playoffs!

The U.S. Hockey team winning the gold medal in the 1980 Olympics? Hell, that was a parlor trick compared to this! I would have sooner bet on Ted Nugent voting for Hillary Clinton for President in 2008 before I would have plunked down good money on this! Un-bleepin' believable!

Being a card-carrying agnostic and all, I'm not sure if this means anything or not, but today's game vs. Jacksonville was the 666th regular season game played by el Chiefos since they moved to Kansas City in 1963. Did the devil make 'em make the playoffs? Nah, must've been Lamar Hunt...

Meantime, please go to work on your Peyton Manning and/or Marvin Harrison voodoo dolls right away! Dat's who we play next weekend...

Great moments in music censorship

A humorous look at how paranoia can make music people do strange things...

In 1973, the Charlie Daniels Band scored its first hit with the quite humorous novelty song "Uneasy Rider", but for some reason, AM radio stations got the willies over the line "and their asses were catching", so they bleeped it.  However, a previous line in the song "one of them long-haired hippie-type pinko fags" was apparently deemed okay, 'cause it was left unscathed! J ust you try and get away with a line in a song like that in today's politically correct world, boys and girls...

A mere six years later, the C.D.B. succumbed to pressure from censor-ly types with their 1979 classic "The Devil Went Down To Georgia".  Evidently, you can't even call the devil himself a "son-of-a-bitch" amongst certain Bible-thumping Southern Baptist circles, thus Charlie had to issue the wussy "I done told you once you son-of-a-gun" single version of the song to appease the over-zealous Jerry Falwell/"700 Club" sycophants out there.

In a similar move, The Who's Roger Daltrey had to make a special trip to the recording studio just to sing five words, "Who the hell are you?" to tidy up 1978's "Who Are You?" for AM radio, and the single version thereof.  Meantime, the original "Who the fuck are you?" lyric had been a staple on FM radio for 25 years or so until the whole 2004 Janet Jackson boob thing happened and the FCC threatened to take everyone's licenses away at the slightest utterance of the word "heck", thus "Who Are You?" has been neutered to eliminate the offending line altogether on nearly all Classic Rock stations.  A similar fate has befallen the classic Pink Floyd tune "Money" and the line "goody-goody good bullshit" which is now rendered "goody-goody good #)@*&;$!(."

Meantime, my good buddy John "Cougar" Mellencamp's "Play Guitar" aired on the radio the other day complete with the line "forget about all that macho shit and learn to play guitar!" unadulterated.  What gives?  Too bad he's never taken his own advice...

Berating Bonaduce

Is there anything more pathetic on TV right now than Danny Bonaduce’s current VH-1

"Celebreality" show?  I used to really like this guy, but he's become totally insufferable the last year or so via that vaunted series "Breaking Bonaduce" whilst exposing all his "demons" and "problems" to the moronic viewing public who find this tripe to be "like, omigod, it's so intense!". 

I put "demons" and "problems" in quotation marks because I firmly believe this whole sham is all just an act by Bonaduce, as are ALL reality shows—Ozzy Osbourne was reading off fucking cue cards (poorly) on "The Osbournes", remember?  Now ol' Dante preys on everyone’s sympathies trying to cast himself as some sort of martyr, but all I see here is a sorry-ass has-been who's so desperate for attention (and a paycheck) that he'll put on this phony self-absorbed pity party for people's entertainment, and it’s complete and total hooey!

I stumbled across Dangerous Dan and his idiot wife Gretchen (what a total waste of pretty red hair, by the way) on Dr. Phil’s show a couple weeks back having yet another pity party for the cameras, and I couldn’t believe how Doc Phil (yet another guy I used to really admire whose stock has slipped big-time with me) was actually condoning this whole sham!  I may be going out on a limb here, but it seems to me that Dr. Phil or ANY therapist worth a damn would NOT allow their client(s) to go through therapy on NATIONAL TELEVISION—something they call doctor-patient confidentiality, I believe.  Oh, did Doc Phil bother to utter his catchphrase "what the hell were you thinkin'?" regarding the fact that Dante and Gretch got married on the day they met?  Call me crazy, but ain't that a pretty blatant red flag right there, Kimosabe Phil?

Yes, it's well-documented that Bonaduce had a mega-dysfunctional home life as a kid—his old man was (and I'm being kind here) a human turd—and no doubt he's had a checkered career at best since the P-Family, so his behavior is somewhat understandable.  BUT, that doesn't justify this travesty of a TV show!  And give me a bleepin' break about that suicide attempt crap for the cameras—oh, puh-leeze!  Call me cynical if you want, but Danny ain’t about to bump himself off as long as he’s drawing that paycheck from VH-1, et al.  
And to think I once considered David "I'll-claim-I-doinked-Susan Dey-just-to-sell-my-autobiography" Cassidy to be the big douche-bag on "The Partridge Family"!  A big error in judgment on my part, apparently...

New Who Review...Comin' right at You!

Just got done listening to the new Who CD, Endless Wire, and I'm quite frankly underwhelmed.  As a MAJOR aficionado of The Who (tied with Elton John for my #2 Rock act of all-time, right behind Kiss), there was a time when I would have bought a brand new Who album the day it came out, but I've had trouble getting excited about this one, particularly since John Entwistle is no longer with us, thus I waited almost two months after its release to buy it.  The Ox's bass playing—not to mention his witty songs—always gave Who albums that extra-added kick, and they are sorely missing now, because Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey sound almost like a lounge act here.  Neither I, nor Horton, heard  The Who on this CD, and this one makes Face Dances seem like Who's Next in comparison!  What pisses me off most is how Townshend has been dangling this carrot in front of Who fans for almost 20 years now about a new studio album from the band, and never followed through on it until after Entwistle was gone.  They shoulda called it Who's Left instead...

Farewell, Mr. President

Yet another famous person died this week, former President Gerald R. Ford.  I liked ol’ Gerry myself—he wasn’t such a bad guy (even for a Republican), and I almost got to shake hands with him too.  My dad and I went to see him speak at the dedication of Harry Truman’s statue at Independence Square in ’76.  We got within about ten feet of him, but there were too many people in front of us before the Secret Service boys whisked him away.  I still have my WIN (Whip Inflation Now) magnet on my coolerator (fridge), come to think of it!

I think Chevy Chase’s lame Ford "imitation" pratfall bits on "Saturday Night Live" gave Gerry a bad rap that he didn’t really deserve (and it gets old real quick when you watch the "SNL" DVDs now).  And since he was only in office two years and change—spending almost all of that time cleaning up after The Big Dick—it’s really hard to get a good read on how good a President he was, but he can rest in peace secure in the knowledge that he’s light years ahead of Dubya in the all-time standings!  Bon voyage, Gerry…

Misc. thoughts

R.I.P. JAMES BROWN
Man, seems like we've lost a lot of big names lately, and sadly we have to add James Brown to that list.  Hate to admit it, but I didn't really know much about James before Eddie Murphy's nearly perfect impersonations of him, but I found his body of work to be pretty impressive when I checked it out.  From what I can tell, he put on a great live show too, even if you couldn't understand a word he sang (a la Bob Dylan). So long, Soul Brother #1...

I hear that Rev. Al Sharpton will be presiding over James' funeral.  And no doubt Jesse Jackson will be there grandstanding and brown-nosing too.  Couldn't they find someone better?  Even Reverend Jim on "Taxi" would be a step in the right direction...

I'LL BRING THE ROPE
Iraq says that Saddam Hussein will be hung within the next 30 days.  That's nice, but I still maintain that this freakin' war was not worth it just for him to fry.  Let's just make sure he's well hung, mmm-kay?

SHE SURE DON'T ACT LIKE ONE
If Ann Coulter is so conservative, then why does she dress like Britney Spears sometimes?

McRIB IS BACK!
Why the filth-flarn-filth doesn’t McDonald’s just leave the damn thing on their menu permanently?!?  It’s a popular item—why do they keep taking it away?  Oh wait, let me guess—that FEMA guy is running McDonald’s now!

WOMEN DRIVE DRUNK TOO!

Have you noticed these ads on TV lately harping about how law enforcement people are supposedly cracking down on drunk driving?  That's all well and good, but why is it on these ads they only feature MEN being pulled over and getting the third degree from the cops?  Do the names Diana Ross, Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie (see left) mean anything to them?

Time to look forward...

Now that the Christmas rush is through, here's my "Wish List" of things I'd really like to see in the not-so-distant future (in no particular order):

—Peace in the Middle East
—The demise of reality TV
—A "House For Sale" sign in my nextdoor neighbor’s front yard
—A cure (or two) for cancer, AIDS, Parkinson's Disease, et al
—Fewer pounds on my body
—Osama bin Laden strung up by his nut sack
—A riding lawn mower in my tool shed
—The impeachment of Dubya
—Winning lottery tickets (preferably in my grubby little hands!)
—A Kansas City Royals pitcher who can strike people out with some regularity
—Terrell Owens having his nuts slammed in a car door
—A new Kiss album
—A Back Yard Burger fast food joint in Raytown
—Barry Bonds suffering a career-ending injury while stuck at 754 home runs
—Fewer poker games and more actual sports on ESPN
—A fresh Super Bowl trophy on display at Arrowhead Stadium
—An NHL team for the Sprint Center's grand opening
—A playoff system for college football
—Kiss and Paul Revere & The Raiders enshrined in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame
—A steady girlfriend (Renee Zellweger or Kate Winslet will do!)
—More down-to-earth writing by the likes of Leonard Pitts, Jr.
—My best friend Tom viewing ANY film produced by Michael Moore
—The New Jersey Devils hoisting the Stanley Cup for the 4th time
—A conscience for the management and staff of KCTV-5 News
—A muzzle for Dick Vitale
—A Super Bowl appearance for Marty Schottenheimer
—More TV shows like "M.X.C." (Long live Guy LeDouche!)
—A Rock radio station in K.C. that goes beyond the same five Foreigner songs, same five Doobie Brothers songs, same five Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, etc.
—A cure for whatever it is that afflicts conservative columnists like Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Jonah Goldberg, et al, as well as liberal idiots like Al Franken and Molly Ivins, et al
—Women dressing like women again
—A little humility from Bobby Knight
—A cure for Danny Bonaduce
—An Eagles reunion (oh wait, we did that already!)

So this is Christmas...

Seems only fitting to post my Top 20 list of favorite Christmas tunes of all-time tonight:

1) "Christmas At Ground Zero"--WEIRD AL YANKOVIC Totally warped and wonderful, and it's Al at his finest! "It's time to face your final destiny/The radio just let us know that this is NOT a test! You better load your gun and shoot to kill..."
2) "Merry Christmas Darling"--THE CARPENTERS Loved this song when I was seven years old and addicted to Top 40 AM radio on WHB in K.C. This one got a lot harder to listen to after Karen died, though...
3) "'Twas The Night Before Christmas"--PERRY COMO We had this Perry Como Christmas album in our family for years and I remember listening to it every year until we wore the poor thing out.  P.C. wasn't exactly Mr. Excitement, but this was pretty cool stuff for the holidays.
4) "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"--JOHN LENNON & YOKO ONO This song became just a tad more poignant in 1980...
5) "Charlie Brown Christmas Theme"--VINCE GUARALDI TRIO What Christmas is complete without this one?
6) "Deck The Halls"--MANHEIM STEAMROLLER Or this one?
7) "Step Into Christmas"--ELTON JOHN Recorded during the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road sessions.  One of the better Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes.
8) "Jingle Bells"--THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY You heard me--the Partridge Family!  One of my favorite Christmas albums ever, too.
9) "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"--BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND Sounds like The Boss & Co. were indulging in a little egg nog on stage that night!
10) "Snoopy's Christmas"--THE ROYAL GUARDSMEN Logical follow-up to "Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron".  "Merry Christmas, my friend!" replaces "Curses! Foiled again!"
11) "The Hannukah Song"--ADAM SANDLER Yes, this one gets played to death every year on the radio now, but it's still good clean fun, even for a gentile like me.  Being the carinvore that I am, I'd make a lousy Jew anyway because of that whole "can't eat pork" thing, although I do find myself saying "Oy!" a lot these days...
12) "All I Want For Christmas Is You"--MARIAH CAREY The ONLY thing this woman's ever done that I actually like!
13) "Yingle Bells"--STAN FREBERG/YOGI YORGESSON Yumpin' yiminy!
14) "I Believe In Father Christmas"--GREG LAKE One of the prettier Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes you'll ever hear.
15) "Feliz Navidad"--JOSE FELICIANO Gets kinda repetitive after a while, but it's still worthy.
16) "Blue Christmas"--ELVIS PRESLEY The King had some Yuletide soul in him too.  The Partridge Family version of this one ain't too shabby either.
17) "Frosty The Snowman"--THE RONETTES Christmas meets Phil Spector's patented Wall of Sound and lives to tell about it!
18) "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas"--GAYLA PEEVEY Man, that little squirt could sure belt that one out!
19) "2000 Miles"--THE PRETENDERS Another one of the prettier Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes you'll ever hear.
20) "Moe Money/Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"--CHEECH & CHONG This one is a total hoot.  Picture the Sex Pistols doing "Rudolph" and you get the idea!

And my Bottom Five Worst Christmas songs of All-Time:
1) "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"--ELMO & PATSY First time I heard this one, I thought it was funny.  Every time after that, I found it about as annoying as Danny Bonaduce's current TV reality show...
2) "Jingle Bells"--THE BARKING DOGS Ditto.
3) "Wear A Smile At Christmas"--PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS It pains me to pick on my boys here, but they should have stuck to Rock 'N' Roll rather than put out this half-baked Christmas record.  Pretty lame...
4) "Do They Know It's Christmas?"--BAND AID Yes, I know it was for charity and all, but this thing was SO overrated!
5) "Little Drummer Boy"--JESSICA AND ASHLEE SIMPSON Okay, I've never even heard this one before, but I'm SUPREMELY confident of its worthiness for this list. Aren't you?

Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine!