THE HOUSE IS A-ROCKIN'...
I neglected to mention on Thursday that it was my 12th anniversary at my humble abode, which I took possession of on January 3, 1996, thus my house is now officially 60% paid-for. It ain't the Taj Mahal or the Presley Estate, but it's a good little house all the same, and I love it to death.
SPEAKING OF STEVIE RAY REFERENCES...
SRV will be eligible for induction into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame next year. He fuckin' better be inducted, or I will personally drive to Cleveland to the Hall of Fame and piss on it. Really, really hard!
ROCK CHALK, JAYHAWKS
As a Missouri fan, even I have to give it up to Kansas for their 24-21 victory in the Orange Bowl the other night against Virginia Tech. I certainly was all ready to do the "Hokie Pokey" if Va. Tech won, but KU was up to the challenge of proving they are indeed worthy. It's all good for the Big 12 too, as we now have a changing of the guard after 40 some-odd years of Nebraska/Oklahoma/Colorado/Texas domination of the conference. Next season promises to be even more exciting than this year was...
I also must comment on the milquetoast performance by ZZ Top at halftime of the O-Bowl. One friggin' song ("Sharp Dressed Man") and that's all? And do we really need all the dancing girls scattered all around the field, all of whom weren't even born before "My Head's In Mississippi" came out? Frankly, I expect better from the Little 'Ol Band From Tejas!
While I'm at it, I want to share a quote from K.C. Star columnist Jeff Flanagan about the bowl game coverage on TV in general: "We don't need 100 interviews with past coaches, retired athletic directors, parents in the stands, or VIPs on the sideline...Some marketing genius at ESPN apparently decided a few years ago that football telecasts should be geared toward entertaining and/or luring the non-football fan. But guess what? The non-football fan isn't watching 99.9% of the bowls...Non-football fans watch other things." Amen to that! The gambit I'm sickest of is interviewing the parents in the stands and/or showing their reaction to every freakin' play their QB son makes—very irritating! NBC started this crap about 15 years ago or so when Bubby Brister was subbing at QB for the Steelers in a game at Denver, and Jesus Horatio Christ, these som-bitches flashed their cameras to catch his mom in the crowd after every fucking play to get her reaction to young Bubby's prowess on the playing field, and it got old real quick, folks!
SURE SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
One of our local Classic Rock stations is running their "Top 1,001 Songs of All-Time" countdown to start the year, and at position #666 is that Satanic classic, "All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles! The number of the beast, you say? I dunno, but then again, you can't spell "Beatles" without "b-e-a-s-t"...
OUR COUSIN VINNIE?
For no particular reason, I got to thinking about former Kiss guitarist Vinnie Vincent today. A little trivia for you, here—didya know that our man Vincent Cusano was a staff writer on TV's "Happy Days"? I'd be willing to bet it was during the "Joanie Loves Chachi" era. Anyway, allow me to present to you one of the silliest music videos of all-time. Not a bad song, mind you, but this thing looked more like a parody of Rock excess than anything Weird Al ever did. I've said it before, I'll say it again—VV was a damn good songwriter, but he was a mediocre guitar player, at best, and he stepped on his own winkie (while wearing spiked golf shoes) more than a little bit...
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO "LENNY THE COOL"
I witnessed yet another bon mot from former Chiefs legend Len Dawson last night on Channel 9 here in K.C., where he is their sports anchor. He's notorious for butchering (non-football) player's names, and while reporting the news that the Royals had signed former big-name pitcher Hideo Nomo (pronounced hih-DAY-o) to a minor-league contract, our Lenny pronounced Nomo's first name as to rhyme with "video"! I loved Len Dawson to death as a player, and he's not bad as a color commentator on the Chiefs radio broadcasts either, but he is to TV sports anchoring what Vinnie Vincent was to music video-ing!
TELLIN' IT LIKE IT IS—VOLUME II
More song lyrics where I substitute the word "fuck" for the word "love", like it shoulda been in the first place...
"More Today Than Yesterday"—SPIRAL STAIRCASE (1970) "Every day's a new day, every time I fuck (love) ya..."
"Good Trouble"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1982) "We could stay awake and fuck (dance) all night--we can always sleep..."
"Lovin' You's A Dirty Job"—RATT (1990) "Fuckin' (Lovin') you is a dirty job..."
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Classic Old-School Fast-Food Joint #1
Hate to seem like I'm ripping off everything Randy Raley does on his blog, but in the tradition of his Old-Time Gas Station series, I give you a favorite memory of mine, Classic Old-School Fast-Food Joints!
First up is a place we rarely ate at when I was a kid—the mighty Burger Chef. Not that I didn't want to eat there, but there weren't that many B.C.'s around Kansas City, and it was like pulling teeth to get my old man to take us out to eat anyway. By the time I was old enough to drive in 1980, the Chef had left our area altogether.
Remember Burger Chef and Jeff? Evidently, there are a few folks out there who do, like the guy who put this website together. And this one. B.C.'s heyday was the '60s and early '70s, but they were gone by the Reagan Administration.
First up is a place we rarely ate at when I was a kid—the mighty Burger Chef. Not that I didn't want to eat there, but there weren't that many B.C.'s around Kansas City, and it was like pulling teeth to get my old man to take us out to eat anyway. By the time I was old enough to drive in 1980, the Chef had left our area altogether.
Remember Burger Chef and Jeff? Evidently, there are a few folks out there who do, like the guy who put this website together. And this one. B.C.'s heyday was the '60s and early '70s, but they were gone by the Reagan Administration.
If possession is 9/10 of the law...
...then what's the other tenth? Inquiring mind wants to know!
TEMPLE OF DOOM!
Congrats to MU running back Tony Temple for his record-setting performance in the Cotton Bowl the other day—281 yards rushing and 4 TDs—as Mizzou got high on the Hawgs and whooped Arkansas 38-7. Everyone worried about MU having a letdown after being snubbed for the Orange Bowl bid that went to Kansas, but they showed a lot of class and played their asses off and I'm very proud of them for finishing 12-2—their best season ever. More good news for MU—they don't have to play Oklahoma next year, unless it's in the Big 12 title game. Given the way OU played against West "Virgina" last night in the Fiesta Bowl, I can't figure out for the life of me how they managed to beat Missouri twice this year. Watch out for the Tigers in '08, folks!
SPEAKING OF DOOM...
...that's what our buddy, the (very wrong) Rev. Pat Robertson, is predicting. Yesterday, he proclaimed (as he always does) that God Himself told him 2008 will be a year of worldwide violence, and we're going to have a recession followed by a stock-market crash by 2010. "The Lord was saying that there's going to be violence and chaos in the world," Pat claims. Uhhh, your bulletin's a little late, dumbass—there already is violence and chaos in the world! Yet another example of how this fucker and others of his ilk prey upon simple-minded people's fears. Sleaze-bags like Robertson are a huge reason why I'm a non-believer...
PUCKIN'-A!
Was so pleased to see the NHL's outdoor hockey game in Buffalo become a surprise hit on New Year's Day, as some folks actually did tune in the broadcast on NBC. Mother Nature added a little spice to the game with the snow and sleet, but for the folks in the stands, the conditions were no worse than those of a typical Buffalo Bills game this time of year, so it probably didn't even faze them. Besides, the sight of 71,000 tuques in one place is quite heartwarming! It's also nice to see something positive happen for the NHL for a change, and now there's talk of making this an annual event in different venues, possibly even in some non-NHL cities. May I suggest Kansas City? Might as well—Arrowhead Stadium never gets used in January anymore, except by the pigeons who roost there.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE...
Okay, sitting outdoors for three hours watching a sporting event all bundled up in Winter time is one thing, but someone please explain this Polar Bear Club network to me. That's the folks in numerous localities around the country who every New Year's Day go running into icy water intentionally wearing only bathing suits! What exactly does this prove, besides that these yokels are first-class candidates for the looney bin? Shit, I was freezing my ass off the other morning just walking out to grab my newspaper—and I was fully-clothed with a coat on! These folks are certifiable...
SHE'S A BEAUTY?!?
University of Arizona law student and former beauty-queen Kumari Fulbright, accused of forcibly holding and torturing a former boyfriend by biting him on the arm and sticking a butcher knife in his ear, has been freed on bond.
You've no doubt already seen this pic making the rounds on the 'net and in the papers. Okay, I know she's an easy target here, but I just can't resist. Who on earth did this former beauty queen—former being the key word here, I'm assuming—compete against? The cretins at the Cantina Bar in Star Wars? Joan Rivers and her ugly-ass daughter? Joe Torre? Steven Tyler? Only a matter of time before we see her face on iodine bottles the world over...
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?
Was extremely disappointed to hear Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Pride And Joy" on a car commercial numerous times during the bowl games. I can't possibly fathom any scenario where SRV would have sold his music to any TV ad if he were still with us—shame (x3) on his estate for being sellouts!
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?—PART DEUX
I saw by the paper today that they're now making a live-action "Speed Racer" movie. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Chim-Chim and Sprytle (sp?) are gonna be pissed...
AFTER FURTHER REVUE...
Anybody remember the old kids' show "The New Zoo Revue"? I rented it on DVD not so long ago, mostly to re-live childhood memories of lusting after the lovely Emmy Jo in her short skirts and go-go boots—she was about the fourth female I remember being smitten by on TV after Yvonne Craig as Batgirl, Marcia Brady and the girl from "The Bugaloos". Anyway, a couple things struck me about the show as I viewed it with adult eyes. First off, the frog's voice sounded uncomfortably close to that of Bart Simpson, whom he pre-dated by a good 15 years at least. Secondly, how is it the frog lived in a hole in the ground and the owl lived in a tree, but the hippo had her own fully-furnished apartment just like the humans? Oh yes, I forgot—this was the '70s!!
LOOK MA—NO LEGS!
Even Lt. Dan might be impressed with this chick!
TEMPLE OF DOOM!
Congrats to MU running back Tony Temple for his record-setting performance in the Cotton Bowl the other day—281 yards rushing and 4 TDs—as Mizzou got high on the Hawgs and whooped Arkansas 38-7. Everyone worried about MU having a letdown after being snubbed for the Orange Bowl bid that went to Kansas, but they showed a lot of class and played their asses off and I'm very proud of them for finishing 12-2—their best season ever. More good news for MU—they don't have to play Oklahoma next year, unless it's in the Big 12 title game. Given the way OU played against West "Virgina" last night in the Fiesta Bowl, I can't figure out for the life of me how they managed to beat Missouri twice this year. Watch out for the Tigers in '08, folks!
SPEAKING OF DOOM...
...that's what our buddy, the (very wrong) Rev. Pat Robertson, is predicting. Yesterday, he proclaimed (as he always does) that God Himself told him 2008 will be a year of worldwide violence, and we're going to have a recession followed by a stock-market crash by 2010. "The Lord was saying that there's going to be violence and chaos in the world," Pat claims. Uhhh, your bulletin's a little late, dumbass—there already is violence and chaos in the world! Yet another example of how this fucker and others of his ilk prey upon simple-minded people's fears. Sleaze-bags like Robertson are a huge reason why I'm a non-believer...
PUCKIN'-A!
Was so pleased to see the NHL's outdoor hockey game in Buffalo become a surprise hit on New Year's Day, as some folks actually did tune in the broadcast on NBC. Mother Nature added a little spice to the game with the snow and sleet, but for the folks in the stands, the conditions were no worse than those of a typical Buffalo Bills game this time of year, so it probably didn't even faze them. Besides, the sight of 71,000 tuques in one place is quite heartwarming! It's also nice to see something positive happen for the NHL for a change, and now there's talk of making this an annual event in different venues, possibly even in some non-NHL cities. May I suggest Kansas City? Might as well—Arrowhead Stadium never gets used in January anymore, except by the pigeons who roost there.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE...
Okay, sitting outdoors for three hours watching a sporting event all bundled up in Winter time is one thing, but someone please explain this Polar Bear Club network to me. That's the folks in numerous localities around the country who every New Year's Day go running into icy water intentionally wearing only bathing suits! What exactly does this prove, besides that these yokels are first-class candidates for the looney bin? Shit, I was freezing my ass off the other morning just walking out to grab my newspaper—and I was fully-clothed with a coat on! These folks are certifiable...
SHE'S A BEAUTY?!?
University of Arizona law student and former beauty-queen Kumari Fulbright, accused of forcibly holding and torturing a former boyfriend by biting him on the arm and sticking a butcher knife in his ear, has been freed on bond.You've no doubt already seen this pic making the rounds on the 'net and in the papers. Okay, I know she's an easy target here, but I just can't resist. Who on earth did this former beauty queen—former being the key word here, I'm assuming—compete against? The cretins at the Cantina Bar in Star Wars? Joan Rivers and her ugly-ass daughter? Joe Torre? Steven Tyler? Only a matter of time before we see her face on iodine bottles the world over...
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?
Was extremely disappointed to hear Stevie Ray Vaughan's "Pride And Joy" on a car commercial numerous times during the bowl games. I can't possibly fathom any scenario where SRV would have sold his music to any TV ad if he were still with us—shame (x3) on his estate for being sellouts!
IS THERE NOTHING SACRED?—PART DEUX
I saw by the paper today that they're now making a live-action "Speed Racer" movie. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Chim-Chim and Sprytle (sp?) are gonna be pissed...
AFTER FURTHER REVUE...
Anybody remember the old kids' show "The New Zoo Revue"? I rented it on DVD not so long ago, mostly to re-live childhood memories of lusting after the lovely Emmy Jo in her short skirts and go-go boots—she was about the fourth female I remember being smitten by on TV after Yvonne Craig as Batgirl, Marcia Brady and the girl from "The Bugaloos". Anyway, a couple things struck me about the show as I viewed it with adult eyes. First off, the frog's voice sounded uncomfortably close to that of Bart Simpson, whom he pre-dated by a good 15 years at least. Secondly, how is it the frog lived in a hole in the ground and the owl lived in a tree, but the hippo had her own fully-furnished apartment just like the humans? Oh yes, I forgot—this was the '70s!!
LOOK MA—NO LEGS!
Even Lt. Dan might be impressed with this chick!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
I'm still standing...
...better than Elton ever did, I might add!
NEWTS AND NOTES ON THE NEW YEAR:
Last song of '07: "Had Enough"--The Who. Long live The Ox!
First song of '08: "Delirious"--Z.Z. Top. Seemed appropriate to set the tone for the new year...
Second song of '08: "New Year's Day"—U2. Terribly predictable, true, but damned if this isn't a killer tune! I'm only sorry I didn't realize that when it came out 25 years ago. Hey, I fully admit it—I fucked up! Wasn't the first time, won't be the last...
First question of '08: Is there any appreciable difference at all between Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest? To me, these fuckers are interchangeable—and totally disposable, as well...
Second question of '08: Why hasn't Dick Clark's health improved at all? Sad to say this, but he sounds just as bad as he did a year ago at this time—struggling for breath as he speaks—and it's heartbreaking to see the World's Oldest Teenager reduced to this. Thankfully, at least he didn't inadvertently grab his wife's right boob on camera this year when he kissed her at Midnight like he did last year...
First (coherent) thought of '08: I truly hope all is (and remains) well in the lives of my dearest friends (Stacy, Phil & Chris, Tom, John, Minta, Margaret, Rose, Fork, Alex, Tracy, Nadine and Andrea), as well as my fellow travelers in the good ol' blogosphere (Randy, Ken, Michelle, the good Doc. Sardonicus, Kilroy) and all the little people (Martians, midgets, et al) I've failed to mention by name here. Y'all somehow manage to keep the proverbial acorn spinning on this end, and I thank you profusely, one and all!...
Second (coherent) thought of '08: Why is Dubya still in charge?
NEWTS AND NOTES ON THE NEW YEAR:
Last song of '07: "Had Enough"--The Who. Long live The Ox!
First song of '08: "Delirious"--Z.Z. Top. Seemed appropriate to set the tone for the new year...
Second song of '08: "New Year's Day"—U2. Terribly predictable, true, but damned if this isn't a killer tune! I'm only sorry I didn't realize that when it came out 25 years ago. Hey, I fully admit it—I fucked up! Wasn't the first time, won't be the last...
First question of '08: Is there any appreciable difference at all between Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest? To me, these fuckers are interchangeable—and totally disposable, as well...
Second question of '08: Why hasn't Dick Clark's health improved at all? Sad to say this, but he sounds just as bad as he did a year ago at this time—struggling for breath as he speaks—and it's heartbreaking to see the World's Oldest Teenager reduced to this. Thankfully, at least he didn't inadvertently grab his wife's right boob on camera this year when he kissed her at Midnight like he did last year...
First (coherent) thought of '08: I truly hope all is (and remains) well in the lives of my dearest friends (Stacy, Phil & Chris, Tom, John, Minta, Margaret, Rose, Fork, Alex, Tracy, Nadine and Andrea), as well as my fellow travelers in the good ol' blogosphere (Randy, Ken, Michelle, the good Doc. Sardonicus, Kilroy) and all the little people (Martians, midgets, et al) I've failed to mention by name here. Y'all somehow manage to keep the proverbial acorn spinning on this end, and I thank you profusely, one and all!...
Second (coherent) thought of '08: Why is Dubya still in charge?
Monday, December 31, 2007
"Another year over...a new one's just begun..."
At the risk of sounding like Barry Manilow, it's just another New Year's Eve here at the ol' homestead and I'm spending NYE alone for the third straight year, which speaks volumes on the current state of my flatlining social life. I did have an offer to hang with a couple married friends of mine at one of the casinos tonight, but I would have just been a third-wheel (which I'm getting way too old for), so I passed. All my other friends are married with kids and/or have no desire to get out on NYE, so I'll just spend it with Dick Clark and Co. once again and drink myself blind to the sound of ol' T. Rex (or perhaps some Johnny Cash).
Then again, going out on NYE is rather overrated anyway. Unless you're willing to spend a shitload of money, decent options are pretty limited. Even the crappiest sports bars or biker bars are going to charge you ten bucks just to get in the door and provide you with some cheapo party favors, lame appetizers and overpriced watered-down drinks. If I had a girlfriend, or if I could round up a group of friends to get together with and ring in the new year, I might be more inclined to splurge and go out. Even better would be if I knew someone who was throwing their own NYE party at home, but such is not the case. Just as well—this way I don't have to dodge the drunks driving home since I'm already there. Come to think of it, one of the better NYE's I ever had was the time I spent it playing house with an ex-girlfriend curled up on her sofa watching Dick Clark (Kiss was on that year, as I remember). I guess I'll continue my tongue-in-cheek tradition that I started in 1999-2000 during the whole Y2K fuss by making The Who's "Had Enough" the last song of the year I hear right before Midnight because it ends with the line "here comes the end of the world..." Hey, one of these years, it might just be right!
Before I sign off for 2007, I want to wish the Mizzou Tigers best of luck against Ar-Kansas tomorrow in the Cotton Bowl. I also want to send warm greetings to the good people of Buffalo who will attend the outdoor hockey game tomorrow in the Bills' stadium between the Sabres and Pittsburgh—let's hope y'all return home safely without freezing off any of your extremities!
And to the rest of us—with the exception of those who made my 2007 Asshole(s) Of The Year list, as well as the New York Yankees—I raise a toast and hope we all have a boffo 2008. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
Then again, going out on NYE is rather overrated anyway. Unless you're willing to spend a shitload of money, decent options are pretty limited. Even the crappiest sports bars or biker bars are going to charge you ten bucks just to get in the door and provide you with some cheapo party favors, lame appetizers and overpriced watered-down drinks. If I had a girlfriend, or if I could round up a group of friends to get together with and ring in the new year, I might be more inclined to splurge and go out. Even better would be if I knew someone who was throwing their own NYE party at home, but such is not the case. Just as well—this way I don't have to dodge the drunks driving home since I'm already there. Come to think of it, one of the better NYE's I ever had was the time I spent it playing house with an ex-girlfriend curled up on her sofa watching Dick Clark (Kiss was on that year, as I remember). I guess I'll continue my tongue-in-cheek tradition that I started in 1999-2000 during the whole Y2K fuss by making The Who's "Had Enough" the last song of the year I hear right before Midnight because it ends with the line "here comes the end of the world..." Hey, one of these years, it might just be right!
Before I sign off for 2007, I want to wish the Mizzou Tigers best of luck against Ar-Kansas tomorrow in the Cotton Bowl. I also want to send warm greetings to the good people of Buffalo who will attend the outdoor hockey game tomorrow in the Bills' stadium between the Sabres and Pittsburgh—let's hope y'all return home safely without freezing off any of your extremities!
And to the rest of us—with the exception of those who made my 2007 Asshole(s) Of The Year list, as well as the New York Yankees—I raise a toast and hope we all have a boffo 2008. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Meanwhile, back at EATS...
My classic Rock brethren friends will know what I'm referring to, there...
OH, IS THERE A FOOTBALL GAME ON TONIGHT?
Much has been made about the NFL's decision to simulcast tonight's Patriots-Giants game on CBS and NBC, in addition to their own NFL Network, which is originating the broadcast. The league claims it's so the fans can witness potential history with the Pats trying to go undefeated and all, but what they won't admit is their little cable channel is a colossal flop. Yours truly is as big an NFL fan as they come, but I have no desire to pay extra for NFL Network, and I think most other football fans feel the same way, but true-to-form, the league is using their little simulcast as a three-hour infomercial for their cable channel.
During the first year of its existence, I got NFL Network as part of my existing digital cable package and I was largely unimpressed with it. Their typical programming day was a total bore—it was the same three-hour block of shows run continuously. One show dissected every aspect of the game ad nauseam (á la ESPN), and there was another show following the Jacksonville Jaguars through training camp (zzzzz!), blah blah blah. I also fully expected the league to take advantage of their virtual treasure trove of old school NFL Films highlights from the past 40 years to fill out at least part of their daily TV schedule, and sadly, they never did. Now, Compost—I mean, Comcast—wants me to pay extra to get NFL Network, and they can shove it. NFL Network's game broadcasts (which began last season) are pretty underwhelming anyway. There have been numerous glitches and FUBARs along the way, not to mention the uninspired choice of has-been Bryant Gumball as play-by-play man and Cris "Super Shill" Collinsworth as color analyst, plus Deion "Pimps R Us" Sanders on their pre-game show. Sorry, gents, I'll pass...
MORE THINGS I CAN DO WITHOUT...
These new FreeCreditReport.com TV ads featuring these bozos singing along like Weird Al Yankovic about being in the poor house because they didn't utilize this important service. These ads replaced the equally-annoying ones featuring that "I'm thinking of a number..." Pat Sajak look-alike weasel. Keep your smelling salts handy, now—I have a little revelation about FreeCreditReport.com: It's not really free! Just thought I'd share that with you...
A KISS IS STILL A KISS
I got Volume III of the Kissology DVD anthology for Christmas, and it's totally worth it for the 4th disc alone, which features one of the earliest Kiss shows ever, December 22, 1973—nearly two months before the first album came out—at a place called the Coventry in New Yawk City. It's a single-camera video, but the quality is surprisingly good (all things considered) and it's the Kiss equivalent of the Zapruder film of JFK's assassination—almost literally where it all began...
PROOFREADING, THE LOST ART...
I ate Virgina once—tasted like chicken! Almost heaven, West Virgina...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #67
"Stranger”--JEFFERSON STARSHIP (1981) “What is veiled now soon will be shown.” This line had me bamboozled for years until I finally looked it up. I thought it was something like “What is there? My suit will be shown...”
THE DE-EVOLUTION OF RADAR O'REILLY
I mentioned in my last post how the general quality of "M*A*S*H" declined after Radar went home, and it occurred to me how company clerk Walter Eugene O'Reilly (no relation to Bill, one would hope) somehow managed to age in reverse on the show over the years. When the show debuted, Radar was actually rather savvy and sassy, and even a little cocky at times. Witness the "Chief Surgeon Who?" episode when he's camped out at Henry's desk drinking his brandy and smoking his cigars when the General (played by the future Boss Hogg Sorrell Booke) comes storming in and asks him what he's doing, "D-O-I-N-G, doing! What're you doing?", to which young master O'Reilly replies, "Listening do you spell 'doing', sir!" Then flash ahead a few years to an episode where Col. Potter offers Radar one of his cigars, and Radar reluctantly asks, "Won't it stunt my growth?" then he proceeds to practically choke on it! Over the years, Radar became more and more naïve and child-like as time went on, but then all of sudden in his last episode, "Goodbye, Radar" he turned into this surly bastard, for some bizarre reason. Perhaps it had something to do with actor Gary Burghoff, who was 35 by that time, playing a kid who was what, 19 or 20? His receding hairline was probably a good hint that it was time to return to Ottumwa...
OH, IS THERE A FOOTBALL GAME ON TONIGHT?
Much has been made about the NFL's decision to simulcast tonight's Patriots-Giants game on CBS and NBC, in addition to their own NFL Network, which is originating the broadcast. The league claims it's so the fans can witness potential history with the Pats trying to go undefeated and all, but what they won't admit is their little cable channel is a colossal flop. Yours truly is as big an NFL fan as they come, but I have no desire to pay extra for NFL Network, and I think most other football fans feel the same way, but true-to-form, the league is using their little simulcast as a three-hour infomercial for their cable channel.
During the first year of its existence, I got NFL Network as part of my existing digital cable package and I was largely unimpressed with it. Their typical programming day was a total bore—it was the same three-hour block of shows run continuously. One show dissected every aspect of the game ad nauseam (á la ESPN), and there was another show following the Jacksonville Jaguars through training camp (zzzzz!), blah blah blah. I also fully expected the league to take advantage of their virtual treasure trove of old school NFL Films highlights from the past 40 years to fill out at least part of their daily TV schedule, and sadly, they never did. Now, Compost—I mean, Comcast—wants me to pay extra to get NFL Network, and they can shove it. NFL Network's game broadcasts (which began last season) are pretty underwhelming anyway. There have been numerous glitches and FUBARs along the way, not to mention the uninspired choice of has-been Bryant Gumball as play-by-play man and Cris "Super Shill" Collinsworth as color analyst, plus Deion "Pimps R Us" Sanders on their pre-game show. Sorry, gents, I'll pass...
MORE THINGS I CAN DO WITHOUT...
These new FreeCreditReport.com TV ads featuring these bozos singing along like Weird Al Yankovic about being in the poor house because they didn't utilize this important service. These ads replaced the equally-annoying ones featuring that "I'm thinking of a number..." Pat Sajak look-alike weasel. Keep your smelling salts handy, now—I have a little revelation about FreeCreditReport.com: It's not really free! Just thought I'd share that with you...
A KISS IS STILL A KISS
I got Volume III of the Kissology DVD anthology for Christmas, and it's totally worth it for the 4th disc alone, which features one of the earliest Kiss shows ever, December 22, 1973—nearly two months before the first album came out—at a place called the Coventry in New Yawk City. It's a single-camera video, but the quality is surprisingly good (all things considered) and it's the Kiss equivalent of the Zapruder film of JFK's assassination—almost literally where it all began...
PROOFREADING, THE LOST ART...
I ate Virgina once—tasted like chicken! Almost heaven, West Virgina...CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #67
"Stranger”--JEFFERSON STARSHIP (1981) “What is veiled now soon will be shown.” This line had me bamboozled for years until I finally looked it up. I thought it was something like “What is there? My suit will be shown...”
THE DE-EVOLUTION OF RADAR O'REILLY
I mentioned in my last post how the general quality of "M*A*S*H" declined after Radar went home, and it occurred to me how company clerk Walter Eugene O'Reilly (no relation to Bill, one would hope) somehow managed to age in reverse on the show over the years. When the show debuted, Radar was actually rather savvy and sassy, and even a little cocky at times. Witness the "Chief Surgeon Who?" episode when he's camped out at Henry's desk drinking his brandy and smoking his cigars when the General (played by the future Boss Hogg Sorrell Booke) comes storming in and asks him what he's doing, "D-O-I-N-G, doing! What're you doing?", to which young master O'Reilly replies, "Listening do you spell 'doing', sir!" Then flash ahead a few years to an episode where Col. Potter offers Radar one of his cigars, and Radar reluctantly asks, "Won't it stunt my growth?" then he proceeds to practically choke on it! Over the years, Radar became more and more naïve and child-like as time went on, but then all of sudden in his last episode, "Goodbye, Radar" he turned into this surly bastard, for some bizarre reason. Perhaps it had something to do with actor Gary Burghoff, who was 35 by that time, playing a kid who was what, 19 or 20? His receding hairline was probably a good hint that it was time to return to Ottumwa...
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Ain't I a stinker?--Vol. I
First of an occasional series where I salute those truly crappy episodes that inevitably come from good TV series...
Any show that runs 11 years is bound to have its fair share of clunker episodes, and “Frasier” is no exception, especially near the end of the show’s run when many eps involved Daphne‘s insufferable mother, Gertrude, but there are two that really stick out for me. One of them seems to be universally hated by “Frasier” fans, “Enemy At The Gate” from 2001, where Frasier makes a big fuss about an exorbitant parking garage fee which he refuses to pay and inconsiderately causes a major back-up of cars behind him and Niles at the gate. Confounded, man—you’re a bloody psychologist and can afford to pay the friggin' $8.50 (or whatever it was)! The other one I hate is called “Four For The Seesaw” from 1997 where Niles and Frasier impulsively snag a weekend getaway at a mountain cabin with two babes (because life is just THAT kind!) and suddenly morph into Ralph and Potsie once they get there. Those are the two “Frasier” episodes I refuse to sit through in reruns.
I loved “Friends” to death, but they had several episodes (again, toward the end of the show's run) that basically sucked, and my all-time “Friends” cringe moment was the episode where Ross had to hide the fact that he had the audacity to shop at Pottery Barn because Phoebe absolutely hated Pottery Barn! First off, this was such a blatantly transparent commercial for Pottery Barn, and secondly, what exactly would Ross have to fear if he did indeed experience the wrath of the omnipotent Pheebs—a whack on his pee-pee? Oh, horror of horrors! Another one I hated was the time Ross enlisted Joey and Rachel to help him move his new sofa up the steps and he kept uttering the word “PIVOT!” over and over at every turn (pun intended). And then there was the shameless self-promotion when Robin Williams and Billy Crystal guested briefly in the coffee house in one ep the very same week they just happened to have some movie coming out (which tanked, big-time).
January 29, 1971 is a date that will live in TV infamy as “The Partridge Family” bus cruised into Motown and they wound up hanging out in the Hood with guest stars Richard Pryor and Louis Gossett, Jr. in the episode called “Soul Club”. Seems our heroes in crushed velvet somehow got booked at a club called “The Fire House” in the ghetto after somehow being confused with the Temptations (they were practically interchangable, after all—nice going, Reuben!) and the club (run by Pryor’s and Gossett’s characters) was about to go belly-up. However, Keith (aka, "Soul Brother #2,908) saves the day by coming up with a new song ("kind of an Afro thing") and the P-Family delights the Soul Train crowd with “Bandala” and a grand time was had by all. Talk about fucking science fiction…
“Sanford And Son” is my all-time favorite sitcom ever “on earth in this hemisphere,” as Fred would say, but the one episode that absolutely makes me cringe is the next-to-next-to-last one ever from 1977 called “Funny, You Don’t Look It”. Did they really expect us to believe that Fred G. Sanford would ever actually think for a nanosecond that he was Jewish?!? Even worse, by this time Redd Foxx was basically phoning in his performances (as was Demond Wilson as Lamont), so the acting in this episode was more wooden than Pinocchio. Dare I say it? You big dummies!
It’s no secret that “M*A*S*H” overstayed its welcome, and many of the episodes—especially after Radar left—were subpar, like when Klinger runs a camp newspaper, or when the 4,077th staff tries to redo the O.R. floor in cement, et al. The infamous “Dreams” episode that began the 1979 season is often cited by fans as another clunker, but it didn’t annoy me half as much as “War Co-Respondent” with guest star Susan St. James as “THE” Aggie O’Shea. It was downright sickening the way the whole camp fawned over this gal, especially Hawkeye, who seemed to think he was entitled to doink every woman under the age of 35 who happened into camp, not to mention the contrived romance between Aggie and the ever-faithful B.J. Hunnicutt. They should’ve paired her up with Klinger—it’d have been a helluva lot funnier…
And then there’s our all-time favorite shark-jumpers, the gang at Arnold’s on “Happy Days”. I like to divide up HD into two distinct eras: Pre-Chachi and During-Chachi. From the Pre-Chachi era, I give you the rather infamous “Fonzie’s New Friend” episode where “Happy Days” suddenly became socially-conscious by inserting a token Black character, Sticks Downey. Oh yeah, like a brotha is going to play the drums for Richie, Ralph and Potsie! Okay, tell me that one again about the oceanfront property in Winnipeg, will ya?
From the During-Chachi era, I give you “Potsie Quits School” from 1979 where young Warren Webber struggles with his anatomy studies in college and Da Fonz encourages him to assimilate his studies musically, so come final exam time, good ol’ Pots hums and sings his way through the test, and next thing you know, the entire classroom erupts into a college musical singing along to “Pump Your Blood” while Fonzie proclaims “My boy don’t cheat”, the professor acts all befuddled and Potsie prances around like a faggot. It’s a sure death knell to any sitcom when it resorts to singing and dancing on every other episode. As Robin Williams said in Dead Poet’s Society: “Excrement!”
Any show that runs 11 years is bound to have its fair share of clunker episodes, and “Frasier” is no exception, especially near the end of the show’s run when many eps involved Daphne‘s insufferable mother, Gertrude, but there are two that really stick out for me. One of them seems to be universally hated by “Frasier” fans, “Enemy At The Gate” from 2001, where Frasier makes a big fuss about an exorbitant parking garage fee which he refuses to pay and inconsiderately causes a major back-up of cars behind him and Niles at the gate. Confounded, man—you’re a bloody psychologist and can afford to pay the friggin' $8.50 (or whatever it was)! The other one I hate is called “Four For The Seesaw” from 1997 where Niles and Frasier impulsively snag a weekend getaway at a mountain cabin with two babes (because life is just THAT kind!) and suddenly morph into Ralph and Potsie once they get there. Those are the two “Frasier” episodes I refuse to sit through in reruns.
I loved “Friends” to death, but they had several episodes (again, toward the end of the show's run) that basically sucked, and my all-time “Friends” cringe moment was the episode where Ross had to hide the fact that he had the audacity to shop at Pottery Barn because Phoebe absolutely hated Pottery Barn! First off, this was such a blatantly transparent commercial for Pottery Barn, and secondly, what exactly would Ross have to fear if he did indeed experience the wrath of the omnipotent Pheebs—a whack on his pee-pee? Oh, horror of horrors! Another one I hated was the time Ross enlisted Joey and Rachel to help him move his new sofa up the steps and he kept uttering the word “PIVOT!” over and over at every turn (pun intended). And then there was the shameless self-promotion when Robin Williams and Billy Crystal guested briefly in the coffee house in one ep the very same week they just happened to have some movie coming out (which tanked, big-time).
January 29, 1971 is a date that will live in TV infamy as “The Partridge Family” bus cruised into Motown and they wound up hanging out in the Hood with guest stars Richard Pryor and Louis Gossett, Jr. in the episode called “Soul Club”. Seems our heroes in crushed velvet somehow got booked at a club called “The Fire House” in the ghetto after somehow being confused with the Temptations (they were practically interchangable, after all—nice going, Reuben!) and the club (run by Pryor’s and Gossett’s characters) was about to go belly-up. However, Keith (aka, "Soul Brother #2,908) saves the day by coming up with a new song ("kind of an Afro thing") and the P-Family delights the Soul Train crowd with “Bandala” and a grand time was had by all. Talk about fucking science fiction…“Sanford And Son” is my all-time favorite sitcom ever “on earth in this hemisphere,” as Fred would say, but the one episode that absolutely makes me cringe is the next-to-next-to-last one ever from 1977 called “Funny, You Don’t Look It”. Did they really expect us to believe that Fred G. Sanford would ever actually think for a nanosecond that he was Jewish?!? Even worse, by this time Redd Foxx was basically phoning in his performances (as was Demond Wilson as Lamont), so the acting in this episode was more wooden than Pinocchio. Dare I say it? You big dummies!
It’s no secret that “M*A*S*H” overstayed its welcome, and many of the episodes—especially after Radar left—were subpar, like when Klinger runs a camp newspaper, or when the 4,077th staff tries to redo the O.R. floor in cement, et al. The infamous “Dreams” episode that began the 1979 season is often cited by fans as another clunker, but it didn’t annoy me half as much as “War Co-Respondent” with guest star Susan St. James as “THE” Aggie O’Shea. It was downright sickening the way the whole camp fawned over this gal, especially Hawkeye, who seemed to think he was entitled to doink every woman under the age of 35 who happened into camp, not to mention the contrived romance between Aggie and the ever-faithful B.J. Hunnicutt. They should’ve paired her up with Klinger—it’d have been a helluva lot funnier…
And then there’s our all-time favorite shark-jumpers, the gang at Arnold’s on “Happy Days”. I like to divide up HD into two distinct eras: Pre-Chachi and During-Chachi. From the Pre-Chachi era, I give you the rather infamous “Fonzie’s New Friend” episode where “Happy Days” suddenly became socially-conscious by inserting a token Black character, Sticks Downey. Oh yeah, like a brotha is going to play the drums for Richie, Ralph and Potsie! Okay, tell me that one again about the oceanfront property in Winnipeg, will ya?
From the During-Chachi era, I give you “Potsie Quits School” from 1979 where young Warren Webber struggles with his anatomy studies in college and Da Fonz encourages him to assimilate his studies musically, so come final exam time, good ol’ Pots hums and sings his way through the test, and next thing you know, the entire classroom erupts into a college musical singing along to “Pump Your Blood” while Fonzie proclaims “My boy don’t cheat”, the professor acts all befuddled and Potsie prances around like a faggot. It’s a sure death knell to any sitcom when it resorts to singing and dancing on every other episode. As Robin Williams said in Dead Poet’s Society: “Excrement!”
Monday, December 24, 2007
ABBA--The Blog Post
I’ve often said it takes a real man to admit he likes ABBA, so I’ll be a real he-man and confess my love for the world’s greatest pop group. Hey, I have company in the ABBA Admiration Society with the likes of Bono and The Edge from Youse2, Tina Turner, R.E.M.’s Michael Stipe, Alice Cooper and even Oasis hard-ass Noel Gallagher. Dead loser Nirvana leader Kurt Cobain even once listed them as an influence—funny, it never showed in his music, but I digress...I’ll spare you the minutiae of the history of ABBA, which is well-documented, and focus on why I enjoy their music—because it’s pretty bloody good! As beloved as ABBA are, you’d think there would be more artists who try to emulate them and their style, but given the dearth of decent pop music over the last 15-20 years, that is sadly not the case. Benny and Björn were/are master craftsmen at creating killer pop songs with catchy hooks and great melodies, and Agnetha and Frida are two of the finest female vocalists ever to grace this planet. True, some of ABBA’s stuff was on the schlocky side, and toward the end of their career they leaned a bit too hard on danceable fluff'n'stuff, but overall they produced some of the dandiest pop music of all-time.
I first got into ABBA sometime in ’75 when “S.O.S.” came out, mostly because I mistakenly thought it was my girl Olivia Newton-John singing it at first. Loved the song anyway, even when I found out it was the group that did “Waterloo” the year before. The summer of ‘76 was when I first embraced Kiss, but all the while I found myself also being drawn to their polar musical opposite, that little ol’ group from Sweden. The women-folk in the group certainly caught my eye, especially my (other) girl Frida, as I’m a sucker for redheads. People often tend to write off ABBA’s music as lightweight happy ‘70s music (“When I Kissed The Teacher“, "Honey, Honey" for instance), but at closer look, they also excelled at break-up songs—"Knowing Me, Knowing You", "The Winner Takes It All", “S.O.S.” and “One Of Us” being prime examples.
It took them a while, but ABBA finally scored a #1 hit in America with the quintessential pop record, 1977‘s “Dancing Queen”, but after that, they began to sound a bit too mechanical and things suddenly became minimalist with ABBA-The Album, ABBA-The Movie, etc., therefore it’s their earlier stuff that I prefer the most. In the 25 years since the group ceased recording and performing, there has been an unprecedented wave of ABBA nostalgia, with the hit musical Mamma Mia!, tribute groups like Björn Again, and movies featuring ABBA music like Muriel’s Wedding and The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, as well as fans clamoring for a reunion concert/tour. Regarding the latter, I think a reunion—even just a one-off concert—would be a big downer, and I’d rather remember ABBA the way they were.
For the record, I pronounce the group’s name ‘AH-ba‘, not ‘aaaa-ba’, or even the Aussie variation ‘Ib-ba’! You say ‘to-MAY-to’, I say ‘to-MAH-to’…
My all-time ABBA Top 20:
20) “Honey, Honey” (1974) Cute little pop song that features one of the silliest lines in music history, “You’re a doggone beast!” Then again, it wasn't nearly as silly as what they wore in this video...
19) “Ring, Ring” (1973) You don’t suppose this is Ernestine the phone operator’s favorite song, do ya? “One ringy-dingy…two ringy-dingies…”
18) “Angeleyes” (1979) Second-best track off the overly disco-y Voulez-Vous LP.
17) “Take A Chance On Me” (1978) ABBA-The Album was a tad disappointing to me following Arrival, but this was easily the best single from it. Seeing Frida in thigh-high boots in the video was also quite a draw to my 14-year-old eyes!
16) “Does Your Mother Know?” (1979) Björn—who was 34 at the time—sounds rather Shaun Cassidy-ish here singing lines like “but I can’t take a chance on a chick like you,” but it’s a cool song anyway.
15) “Hole In Your Soul” (1978) Borderline Rock ‘N’ Roll here and very guitar-driven, a rarity on an ABBA record.
14) “I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do” (1975) Song that holds the world record for most often repeated words in a song title, and a natural for any wedding reception.
13) “When I Kissed The Teacher” (1977) Lead-off track from the Arrival album. Cornball as all get-out, but I like it anyway.
12) “Bang-A-Boomerang” (1975) The title has a hokey Archies quality to it, the chorus is hokey and so is the video, but the song still works!
11) “Why Did It Have To Be Me?” (1977) This song was often a concert highlight with Björn trading lead vocals with Frida while Agnetha was off-stage smoking a joint. Just kidding!
10) “Intermezzo #1” (1975) A rare instrumental from ABBA, this one gave brother Benny a chance to flex his muscles and show off his very underrated prowess on the keys. That’s pronounced “Inter-MET-zo” for youse non-Italians out there…
9) “Mamma Mia” (1975) Funny, they don’t look Italian…
8) “The Winner Takes It All” (1980) ABBA’s second-greatest break-up song ever, and Agnetha’s finest hour on record.
7) “Waterloo” (1974) Song that put ABBA on the map/globe and made Sweden famous for something other than Volvos and meatballs. It’s bouncy, catchy and pure ‘70s, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that! Ignore the white "Soul Train" dancers at the beginning of this video...
6) “On And On And On” (1980) This one has really grown on me over the years, even though it’s from ABBA’s later era when their records tended to be a bit cold and over-produced.
5) “Knowing Me, Knowing You” (1977) One of the best break-up songs ever, this was Frida’s finest hour on record. The twin lead guitars on the outro were a nice touch too. Looks like Agnetha OD'd on the blue eye shadow in the video!
4) “So Long” (1975) This catchy little number went beyond break-up song to fuck-you song! ABBA used to close their concerts with this one, naturally (based on the title, not the fuck-you part, I presume).
3) “I’ve Been Waiting For You” (1975) Highly underrated track which features great vocals from Agnetha as she sings of devotion to someone without losing her cool.
2) “Dancing Queen” (1977) Arguably ABBA’s most famous song, and one of their very best. Pop singles don’t get much more perfect than this one.
1) “S.O.S.” (1975) Love the Wall of Sound effect during the choruses here. This song was the first ABBA song that really stuck with me, and remains my favorite, too.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
2007 Asshole(s) Of The Year
Good ol’ Larry Flynt used to have a monthly feature in Hustler magazine called “Asshole Of The Month”, and often the recipients of said accolade (mostly politicians and right-wing dickheads) were truly deserving, and I think it’s appropriate to revive this little tradition in year-end style, so please kick back, my dear friends, and enjoy yours truly’s salute to those who fucked up colossally in 2007:
30) Ted Nugent: An ex-idol of mine. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: I used to idolize you, ya big-mouth douche! And to paraphrase Dr. Sardonicus, after your diatribes on Hillary and Obama, I don’t want to hear no more about the Dixie Chicks, you friggin’ has-been...
29) Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell: These two publicity mongers deserve each other. I still say they should duke it out on “Celebrity Death Match”. My money’s on Rosie…
28) Steven A. Smith: At the risk of sounding racist here, I’ve grown real weary of this guy’s shuck-and-jive Angry Black Man routine on ESPN. Shaddup, already, you pompous ass!
27) O.J. Simpson: Forever on a personal quest to prove what a dickweed he is. Congrats, Juice—you’re headin’ for the big house, now!
26) John Mellencamp: Empty-headed hick Springsteen wanna-be whom I’ve loathed for lo, these many years, and he even sold his soul to GM with his "This Is Our Country" schlock, to boot. Will be inducted into the Crock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame next year. Oh, joy!
25) Katie Horner: Local over-zealous TV weather tart/alarmist who chronically disrupts CBS programming at every sighting of a dark cloud within 100 miles of Kansas City. She actually encouraged viewers to wear bicycle helmets whilst riding out a tornado in their storm cellars last Spring!
24) Al Gore: Actual President-elect of 2000 who now milks his newfound adulation as pre-eminent Global Warming pointer-outer to death (while cruising around in his gas-guzzling stretch limo, natch).
23) Kid Rock: I’m still trying to figure out why people pay good money to see this no-talent poser (in a hat) perform in concert—this clown is this generation’s Vanilla Ice! Has been involved in more fights this year than a NARC at a Hell's Angels rally.
22) Bill Belichick: Yes, this guy is a brilliant football coach. Sadly, he has all the people skills of Charles Manson…
21) Rev. Jerry Falwell: In his final year of eligibility I feel compelled to include Mr. “Give all your money to the church and solve your debt problems” once more for old time’s sake.
20) Nancy Grace: Sneering, helmet-haired self-appointed judge and jury be-yatch who holds court on CNN every night. She may well have been personally responsible for the suicide death of a woman she interrogated on her show earlier this year, but shows less remorse than C. Manson ever has...
19) David Beckham: The farce to end all farces! Major League Soccer prostituted itself around and sold its credibility right down the river by signing this overrated wanker to a mega-million $$ contract, just so he could play in five whole games for the Los Angeles Galaxy. True, the media circus that followed him around wasn’t all his fault, but I’m sorry—nobody’s that good!
18) Adam “Pacman” Jones: First-class moron NFL player known for his numerous run-ins with the law, the most infamous of which left a Las Vegas titty bar bouncer paralyzed following gunfire instigated by a member of Pacman’s entourage earlier this year.
17) Jason Whitlock: Ever-flatulent Kansas City Star sports columnist and self-appointed avatar of racial issues in the wake of the who Don Imus flap. A man who regularly uses the terms “hoes” and “pimp-slap” in his columns…
16) Clay Chastain: Those of you outside of Kansas City won’t know who he is, but he’s become a major nuisance to me. Chastain is a very vocal advocate for a light-rail mass transit system in K.C.—which I’m all for, actually. My problem with this guy is that he lives in Virginia, yet he thinks he has the right to tell our city what to do with its money! Move your sorry ass back here, Clay, and I’ll take you more seriously…
15) Rev. Pat Robertson: Looks like this dickhead will have to carry on without his tag-team partner Falwell now, but fear not, dear friends—I have no doubt ol’ Pat will continue to give religion a bad name until his dying day…
14) Britney Spears: Ain’t nothing worse than a tabloid-fodder celebrity who goes out of his/her way to draw attention to his/her flagging career. Do us all a big favor, Brit, and disappear quietly like Tiffany did about 20 years ago…
13) Don Imus: Happy Holidays, Don—as in “Hoe, Hoe, Hoe”! Just as I predicted, the asshole is back on the air already...
12) Rev. Al Sharpton/Rev. Jesse Jackson: Don’t you just wish these two publicity hounds would both be run over by a bus? Black people don’t even take them seriously as religious or civil rights leaders anymore…
11) Mike Nifong: Opportunistic D.A. who was bound and determined to send three innocent Duke lacrosse players to the pokey for his own political gain. Nice try, dumbass, but as Fred Sanford once said, “He who liveth by the sword shall be stucketh.” Still and all, I maintain that lacrosse is a faggot college activity!
10) Bud Selig: Commissioner Howdy Doody proved once again what a spineless leader he is by showing up to watch Bonds hit "#756", standing there with his hands in his pockets looking like a total Melvin. Should’ve been fired years ago…
9) Roger Clemens: This jagoff finally decided he wanted to pitch for the Yankees after the season was a third of the way over, which led to this utterly ridiculous moment of over-zealous hype. He signed a beyond-belief $28 zillion contract to merely go 6-6 with a 4.47 ERA. Truly earth-shattering! The Mitchell Report sez he did steroids, too—the Dickens you say!
8) Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho): This phony Republican fuckwad is on record voting for anti-Gay legislation at every turn, yet who was that foot-tapper in the john at the Minneapolis aeroport trolling for fudge packers earlier this year, hmmm? It certainly couldn’t have been this honorable Senator from the Spud State who uttered the phrase “I’m not gay!” more often than Mr. Garrison on “South Park”. Or could it? Oh, what a twit...
7) Michael Vick: No explanation needed here. Hope he enjoys his time in the pokey with his bitches (pun intended).
6) Michelle Malkin/Sean Hannity/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Geraldo Rivera/Jonah Goldberg/Dennis Miller: I know I’m being rather lazy here, but I’m lumping all these ultra-conservative Republican Party cheerleaders/pinhead pundits into one entry. Regular readers of this blog already know why...
5) Barry Bonds: Do I even need to elaborate? Arrogant steroid-taking horse’s ass with shriveled-up nads who now claims to be baseball’s Home Run King. Sorry, ass-wipe—Henry Louis Aaron is still the man, and you’re not one, and unlike you, my dick still works just fine...
4) The entire Oil Industry: These greedy fuckwads continue to reap record profits for two simple reasons: A) because they can, and B) no one’s trying to stop them.
3) George W. Bush/Dick Cheney: Pretty self-explanatory. They’re joined at the hip, therefore I count them as one entry.
2) Seung-Hui Cho (Virginia Tech gunman): This loser, combined with the Siamese twins in the #3 spot, are probably personally responsible for more death and mayhem than anyone else this year. I do understand how it feels to be disenfranchised and I do realize this Cho bastard was screwed-up to begin with and was picked on constantly during his youth, but that’s no excuse for being such a cold-blooded miscreant, and it‘s impossible for me to have any empathy for this fucker. Burn in hell, ass-wipe…
1) Rev. Fred Phelps/Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, KS: Most assholes don’t actually mean to be assholes—they just are. But then again, there are sub-humans like Rev. Fred and his inbred band of psychos (half of whom are lawyers) who go out of their way to be assholes by picketing/protesting the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers who died while indirectly defending these tick-turds’ collective Constitutional right to do so. I now pose the question once asked by Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P. in their 1985 song "I‘m Alive": “Tell me, what’s in it for you?…Damn you, Holy Man, alive…”
30) Ted Nugent: An ex-idol of mine. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: I used to idolize you, ya big-mouth douche! And to paraphrase Dr. Sardonicus, after your diatribes on Hillary and Obama, I don’t want to hear no more about the Dixie Chicks, you friggin’ has-been...
29) Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell: These two publicity mongers deserve each other. I still say they should duke it out on “Celebrity Death Match”. My money’s on Rosie…
28) Steven A. Smith: At the risk of sounding racist here, I’ve grown real weary of this guy’s shuck-and-jive Angry Black Man routine on ESPN. Shaddup, already, you pompous ass!
27) O.J. Simpson: Forever on a personal quest to prove what a dickweed he is. Congrats, Juice—you’re headin’ for the big house, now!
26) John Mellencamp: Empty-headed hick Springsteen wanna-be whom I’ve loathed for lo, these many years, and he even sold his soul to GM with his "This Is Our Country" schlock, to boot. Will be inducted into the Crock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame next year. Oh, joy!
25) Katie Horner: Local over-zealous TV weather tart/alarmist who chronically disrupts CBS programming at every sighting of a dark cloud within 100 miles of Kansas City. She actually encouraged viewers to wear bicycle helmets whilst riding out a tornado in their storm cellars last Spring!
24) Al Gore: Actual President-elect of 2000 who now milks his newfound adulation as pre-eminent Global Warming pointer-outer to death (while cruising around in his gas-guzzling stretch limo, natch).
23) Kid Rock: I’m still trying to figure out why people pay good money to see this no-talent poser (in a hat) perform in concert—this clown is this generation’s Vanilla Ice! Has been involved in more fights this year than a NARC at a Hell's Angels rally.
22) Bill Belichick: Yes, this guy is a brilliant football coach. Sadly, he has all the people skills of Charles Manson…
21) Rev. Jerry Falwell: In his final year of eligibility I feel compelled to include Mr. “Give all your money to the church and solve your debt problems” once more for old time’s sake.
20) Nancy Grace: Sneering, helmet-haired self-appointed judge and jury be-yatch who holds court on CNN every night. She may well have been personally responsible for the suicide death of a woman she interrogated on her show earlier this year, but shows less remorse than C. Manson ever has...
19) David Beckham: The farce to end all farces! Major League Soccer prostituted itself around and sold its credibility right down the river by signing this overrated wanker to a mega-million $$ contract, just so he could play in five whole games for the Los Angeles Galaxy. True, the media circus that followed him around wasn’t all his fault, but I’m sorry—nobody’s that good!
18) Adam “Pacman” Jones: First-class moron NFL player known for his numerous run-ins with the law, the most infamous of which left a Las Vegas titty bar bouncer paralyzed following gunfire instigated by a member of Pacman’s entourage earlier this year.
17) Jason Whitlock: Ever-flatulent Kansas City Star sports columnist and self-appointed avatar of racial issues in the wake of the who Don Imus flap. A man who regularly uses the terms “hoes” and “pimp-slap” in his columns…
16) Clay Chastain: Those of you outside of Kansas City won’t know who he is, but he’s become a major nuisance to me. Chastain is a very vocal advocate for a light-rail mass transit system in K.C.—which I’m all for, actually. My problem with this guy is that he lives in Virginia, yet he thinks he has the right to tell our city what to do with its money! Move your sorry ass back here, Clay, and I’ll take you more seriously…
15) Rev. Pat Robertson: Looks like this dickhead will have to carry on without his tag-team partner Falwell now, but fear not, dear friends—I have no doubt ol’ Pat will continue to give religion a bad name until his dying day…
14) Britney Spears: Ain’t nothing worse than a tabloid-fodder celebrity who goes out of his/her way to draw attention to his/her flagging career. Do us all a big favor, Brit, and disappear quietly like Tiffany did about 20 years ago…
13) Don Imus: Happy Holidays, Don—as in “Hoe, Hoe, Hoe”! Just as I predicted, the asshole is back on the air already...
12) Rev. Al Sharpton/Rev. Jesse Jackson: Don’t you just wish these two publicity hounds would both be run over by a bus? Black people don’t even take them seriously as religious or civil rights leaders anymore…
11) Mike Nifong: Opportunistic D.A. who was bound and determined to send three innocent Duke lacrosse players to the pokey for his own political gain. Nice try, dumbass, but as Fred Sanford once said, “He who liveth by the sword shall be stucketh.” Still and all, I maintain that lacrosse is a faggot college activity!
10) Bud Selig: Commissioner Howdy Doody proved once again what a spineless leader he is by showing up to watch Bonds hit "#756", standing there with his hands in his pockets looking like a total Melvin. Should’ve been fired years ago…
9) Roger Clemens: This jagoff finally decided he wanted to pitch for the Yankees after the season was a third of the way over, which led to this utterly ridiculous moment of over-zealous hype. He signed a beyond-belief $28 zillion contract to merely go 6-6 with a 4.47 ERA. Truly earth-shattering! The Mitchell Report sez he did steroids, too—the Dickens you say!
8) Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho): This phony Republican fuckwad is on record voting for anti-Gay legislation at every turn, yet who was that foot-tapper in the john at the Minneapolis aeroport trolling for fudge packers earlier this year, hmmm? It certainly couldn’t have been this honorable Senator from the Spud State who uttered the phrase “I’m not gay!” more often than Mr. Garrison on “South Park”. Or could it? Oh, what a twit...
7) Michael Vick: No explanation needed here. Hope he enjoys his time in the pokey with his bitches (pun intended).
6) Michelle Malkin/Sean Hannity/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Geraldo Rivera/Jonah Goldberg/Dennis Miller: I know I’m being rather lazy here, but I’m lumping all these ultra-conservative Republican Party cheerleaders/pinhead pundits into one entry. Regular readers of this blog already know why...
5) Barry Bonds: Do I even need to elaborate? Arrogant steroid-taking horse’s ass with shriveled-up nads who now claims to be baseball’s Home Run King. Sorry, ass-wipe—Henry Louis Aaron is still the man, and you’re not one, and unlike you, my dick still works just fine...
4) The entire Oil Industry: These greedy fuckwads continue to reap record profits for two simple reasons: A) because they can, and B) no one’s trying to stop them.
3) George W. Bush/Dick Cheney: Pretty self-explanatory. They’re joined at the hip, therefore I count them as one entry.
2) Seung-Hui Cho (Virginia Tech gunman): This loser, combined with the Siamese twins in the #3 spot, are probably personally responsible for more death and mayhem than anyone else this year. I do understand how it feels to be disenfranchised and I do realize this Cho bastard was screwed-up to begin with and was picked on constantly during his youth, but that’s no excuse for being such a cold-blooded miscreant, and it‘s impossible for me to have any empathy for this fucker. Burn in hell, ass-wipe…
1) Rev. Fred Phelps/Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, KS: Most assholes don’t actually mean to be assholes—they just are. But then again, there are sub-humans like Rev. Fred and his inbred band of psychos (half of whom are lawyers) who go out of their way to be assholes by picketing/protesting the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers who died while indirectly defending these tick-turds’ collective Constitutional right to do so. I now pose the question once asked by Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P. in their 1985 song "I‘m Alive": “Tell me, what’s in it for you?…Damn you, Holy Man, alive…”
"Dashing through the snow..."
"…in an ‘03 Cavalier…Four more years to go, and I’ll own it free and clear!”
GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!!
For the third straight Saturday, we’re having what the Weather Channel people might call a “Winter Weather Event” here in K.C. It started off as just plain rain, then freezing rain, then sleet and now the snow is blowing horizontally in the lovely 25-35 MPH winds out of the northwest. Luckily, I managed to get the bulk of my Christmas shopping done this morning before this little Norwester hit town.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE…
Explain this to me, please—what is this obsession some people have with wearing shorts? While doing my shopping today, I encountered two different people at Target strolling around in shorts. Nothing wrong with that, but if you’ll read my weather report above, you’ll note that today was not exactly balmy in the great outdoors! And I’m not talking about kids who don’t know any better, but grown adults here. Maybe it’s just because I get cold relatively easy, but I don’t get why you’d wear shorts like it was the 4th of July while doing your Christmas shopping. Same goes for women who wear skirts and no hose this time of year—ain’t that just a tad drafty?
HYPOCRISY, THE CONTINUING SAGA
Seems that there was a new book about parenting due to hit the stands. Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is the memoir of one Lynne Spears, mother of singer/nutbag Britney Spears and actress Jamie Lynn Spears. The book was slated to come out on May 11th next year—Mother’s Day, naturally—but her publisher is delaying the release indefinitely after this week’s revelation that little Jamie Lynn is pregnant. What’s even funnier to me is that the publisher, Thomas Nelson, Inc., is an inspirational Christian book outfit. I repeat—a Christian book publisher! Don’t it seem just a tad disingenuous that one of their offerings would come from the mother of a skanky out-of-control singer who dresses like a whore and whose concert performances have been known to include male dancers sticking their faces right in her crotch, let alone the mother of a 16-year-old girl who just got knocked up? Oh well, I guess if there’s a buck or two to be made, all bets are off and ethics and morality go right out the window, huh? One can only imagine the helpful parenting hints ol' Lynne will dish out in her book—not unlike the advice of a twice-divorced marriage counselor...
I KNOW THAT DUDE!
I stumbled across the ancient classic kids’ musical film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the TV this week, starring the original “DVD” himself, Dick Van Dyke. I probably hadn’t seen this thing in damn near 40 years, and there was a guy in it who looked and sounded awfully familiar to me. It was none other than the lad himself, Benny Hill! Little did I know when I first saw this film how much this man would later corrupt little ol’ me…
A FRESH ANGLE…
…on Madonna’s induction into the Rock ’N’ Roll Hall of Fame. I read a column on MSNBC the other day that pointed out something I hadn’t thought of before—one of the reasons why they voted Madonna in is so it would draw attention to the Hall, and it makes perfect sense. Not saying that makes it right, of course, but last year they had the built-in intrigue of the whole Van Halen soap opera to draw attention, and this year they’re desperate because of the sad fact that truly worthy candidates like the Moody Blues, Deep Purple or the Brothers Doobie ain’t gonna cause much buzz in our short attention span society. By the same token, though, you can’t tell me that Kiss being voted in wouldn’t raise more than a few eyebrows…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #66
“In My Time Of Dying”—LED ZEPPELIN (1975) I was confused by the part at the end where Robert Plant repeats the phrase “Oh, my Jesus” several times. I thought he was singing “On my T.V.”!
HOLY ALMANAC, BATMAN!
I’m currently reading a wonderful little anthology book called From ABBA to Zoom by local K.C. author David Mansour, which came out a couple years ago. Dave has painstakingly chronicled practically everything that was or is prominent in Pop Culture since the 1950’s, right down to the characters on “Josie & The Pussycats”. I’m not even halfway through the B’s yet, and I’m having a ball recollecting stuff from the past, like the burger offerings at A&W restaurants—Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Baby Burger, etc.—and I’m now stockpiling even more ammunition for my Pop Culture reference arsenal on the ol’ blog here.
GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!!
For the third straight Saturday, we’re having what the Weather Channel people might call a “Winter Weather Event” here in K.C. It started off as just plain rain, then freezing rain, then sleet and now the snow is blowing horizontally in the lovely 25-35 MPH winds out of the northwest. Luckily, I managed to get the bulk of my Christmas shopping done this morning before this little Norwester hit town.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE…
Explain this to me, please—what is this obsession some people have with wearing shorts? While doing my shopping today, I encountered two different people at Target strolling around in shorts. Nothing wrong with that, but if you’ll read my weather report above, you’ll note that today was not exactly balmy in the great outdoors! And I’m not talking about kids who don’t know any better, but grown adults here. Maybe it’s just because I get cold relatively easy, but I don’t get why you’d wear shorts like it was the 4th of July while doing your Christmas shopping. Same goes for women who wear skirts and no hose this time of year—ain’t that just a tad drafty?
HYPOCRISY, THE CONTINUING SAGA
Seems that there was a new book about parenting due to hit the stands. Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is the memoir of one Lynne Spears, mother of singer/nutbag Britney Spears and actress Jamie Lynn Spears. The book was slated to come out on May 11th next year—Mother’s Day, naturally—but her publisher is delaying the release indefinitely after this week’s revelation that little Jamie Lynn is pregnant. What’s even funnier to me is that the publisher, Thomas Nelson, Inc., is an inspirational Christian book outfit. I repeat—a Christian book publisher! Don’t it seem just a tad disingenuous that one of their offerings would come from the mother of a skanky out-of-control singer who dresses like a whore and whose concert performances have been known to include male dancers sticking their faces right in her crotch, let alone the mother of a 16-year-old girl who just got knocked up? Oh well, I guess if there’s a buck or two to be made, all bets are off and ethics and morality go right out the window, huh? One can only imagine the helpful parenting hints ol' Lynne will dish out in her book—not unlike the advice of a twice-divorced marriage counselor...
I KNOW THAT DUDE!
I stumbled across the ancient classic kids’ musical film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the TV this week, starring the original “DVD” himself, Dick Van Dyke. I probably hadn’t seen this thing in damn near 40 years, and there was a guy in it who looked and sounded awfully familiar to me. It was none other than the lad himself, Benny Hill! Little did I know when I first saw this film how much this man would later corrupt little ol’ me…
A FRESH ANGLE…
…on Madonna’s induction into the Rock ’N’ Roll Hall of Fame. I read a column on MSNBC the other day that pointed out something I hadn’t thought of before—one of the reasons why they voted Madonna in is so it would draw attention to the Hall, and it makes perfect sense. Not saying that makes it right, of course, but last year they had the built-in intrigue of the whole Van Halen soap opera to draw attention, and this year they’re desperate because of the sad fact that truly worthy candidates like the Moody Blues, Deep Purple or the Brothers Doobie ain’t gonna cause much buzz in our short attention span society. By the same token, though, you can’t tell me that Kiss being voted in wouldn’t raise more than a few eyebrows…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #66
“In My Time Of Dying”—LED ZEPPELIN (1975) I was confused by the part at the end where Robert Plant repeats the phrase “Oh, my Jesus” several times. I thought he was singing “On my T.V.”!
HOLY ALMANAC, BATMAN!
I’m currently reading a wonderful little anthology book called From ABBA to Zoom by local K.C. author David Mansour, which came out a couple years ago. Dave has painstakingly chronicled practically everything that was or is prominent in Pop Culture since the 1950’s, right down to the characters on “Josie & The Pussycats”. I’m not even halfway through the B’s yet, and I’m having a ball recollecting stuff from the past, like the burger offerings at A&W restaurants—Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Baby Burger, etc.—and I’m now stockpiling even more ammunition for my Pop Culture reference arsenal on the ol’ blog here.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I'm nervous and my socks are too loose...
...and so overcome by Mellencamp's election to the Rock Hall of Fame that I can hardly function! Actually, it's just the usual Christmas madness, and I've been too friggin' busy to do much blogging this week. I hope to make up for it voluminously over the long weekend coming up...
YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY...
Happy 62nd b-day to Peter Criss of Kiss. The Catman has been dogged-on (ohhh, bad pun!) by both critics and fans alike at times over the years, and even I don't consider him to be the best drummer Kiss ever had—the two Erics both blew him away—but I think he's a good guy overall. Certainly the most down-to-earth member of the original four of Kiss. If you look at concert videos from the '70s, Peter was quite the basher and very animated in his playing style. Over the years, he's refined his technique and is more of a timekeeper now. I also give him credit for having sense enough to leave the circus with a little dignity, realizing he's in his '60s now. I really wish Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley would have retired the make-up after the so-called "Farewell Tour" in 2000 when Peter (and later Ace Frehley) left the band for good. Kiss looks too much like a tribute band now.
"SOFT ROCK" REVISITED
I got to thinking about the remark I made early this week regarding the late Dan Fogelberg and the "Soft Rock" genre being something I can only take in small doses. In DF's case, I tended to shy away from his music because I didn't really relate to songs about forest Primevals and such, but it occurred to me that there are lots of "mellow" songs out there that I truly love, some more than I realized. People who know me well might even be shocked at some of the stuff I enjoy. Take Gordon Lightfoot, for instance: "If You Could Read My Mind" from 1971 is an old favorite from my Top 40 listening days, as is 1974's "Sundown", and is there not a more chilling song than "Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" from '76? Friggin' brilliant!
My man Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere & The Raiders had a brief solo career in the early '70s and scored hits with songs like "Arizona", "Silver Bird" and "Miss America" (not the Styx song), but my favorite is his minor hit recording of a Neil Diamond song called "And The Grass Won't Pay No Mind" from 1970. Hell, Diamond himself put out some wonderful stuff during that time, like "I Am...I Said" and "Play Me" (even though it included the non-existent word "brang" in its lyrics). I even groove to songs by Country crossover artists like the late Charlie Rich and "Most Beautiful Girl" and Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman". Quite possibly my all-time favorite "mellow" song ever is the late Brook Benton's "Rainy Night In Georgia" from 1970. The instrumentation on that track is so atmospheric, and Benton's vocal is so convincing that he truly made you feel he really was some drifter hitching train rides.
That's all I have for now—I'll reactivate the ol' verbal bazooka over the weekend...
YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY...
Happy 62nd b-day to Peter Criss of Kiss. The Catman has been dogged-on (ohhh, bad pun!) by both critics and fans alike at times over the years, and even I don't consider him to be the best drummer Kiss ever had—the two Erics both blew him away—but I think he's a good guy overall. Certainly the most down-to-earth member of the original four of Kiss. If you look at concert videos from the '70s, Peter was quite the basher and very animated in his playing style. Over the years, he's refined his technique and is more of a timekeeper now. I also give him credit for having sense enough to leave the circus with a little dignity, realizing he's in his '60s now. I really wish Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley would have retired the make-up after the so-called "Farewell Tour" in 2000 when Peter (and later Ace Frehley) left the band for good. Kiss looks too much like a tribute band now.
"SOFT ROCK" REVISITED
I got to thinking about the remark I made early this week regarding the late Dan Fogelberg and the "Soft Rock" genre being something I can only take in small doses. In DF's case, I tended to shy away from his music because I didn't really relate to songs about forest Primevals and such, but it occurred to me that there are lots of "mellow" songs out there that I truly love, some more than I realized. People who know me well might even be shocked at some of the stuff I enjoy. Take Gordon Lightfoot, for instance: "If You Could Read My Mind" from 1971 is an old favorite from my Top 40 listening days, as is 1974's "Sundown", and is there not a more chilling song than "Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" from '76? Friggin' brilliant!
My man Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere & The Raiders had a brief solo career in the early '70s and scored hits with songs like "Arizona", "Silver Bird" and "Miss America" (not the Styx song), but my favorite is his minor hit recording of a Neil Diamond song called "And The Grass Won't Pay No Mind" from 1970. Hell, Diamond himself put out some wonderful stuff during that time, like "I Am...I Said" and "Play Me" (even though it included the non-existent word "brang" in its lyrics). I even groove to songs by Country crossover artists like the late Charlie Rich and "Most Beautiful Girl" and Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman". Quite possibly my all-time favorite "mellow" song ever is the late Brook Benton's "Rainy Night In Georgia" from 1970. The instrumentation on that track is so atmospheric, and Benton's vocal is so convincing that he truly made you feel he really was some drifter hitching train rides.
That's all I have for now—I'll reactivate the ol' verbal bazooka over the weekend...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
'Scuse me while I puke and die!
John Mellencamp has been voted into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. So has Madonna. So has some so-called Rocker named Leonard Cohen. Shit, they might as well induct Mantovanni, Pat Boone and Topo Gigio while they're at it. Meanwhile, Deep Purple, The Moody Blues, Kiss, Paul Revere & The Raiders, Rush, The Doobie Bros., Cheap Trick—oh, fuck it, I give up! I surrender! I'm done arguing about who should be inducted into this travesty of a shrine. It's a very cool museum in Cleveland, but the entity as a whole is a fucking joke! At least the Country Music folks get it right by inducting those who rightfully belong in their Hall of Fame...
Monday, December 17, 2007
I haven't the bloggiest idea...
DAN FOGELBERG, 1951-2007
Sad news in the music world with the passing of singer Dan Fogelberg yesterday of pancreatic cancer. I didn't follow his career all that closely, therefore I wasn't even aware that he'd been seriously ill for the past few years. Although the "Soft Rock" genre is better for me when taken in small doses, DF certainly had his moments like "Part of The Plan" and my personal favorite, 1978's "The Power Of Gold" (with Tim Weissberg). I seem to remember he got plenty of airplay at the "Mighty 1030" on the Transtar satellite in '87 when I worked there. R.I.P., Dan...
I HAVE A QUESTION...
How can the Golden Globe Awards people nominate this Charlie Wilson's War flick for five awards, when it hasn't even come out yet?!? Ain't it amazing how these brand new movies get all the nods (the Oscars do this too), while all the good stuff that comes out in March and April every year is largely forgotten? Who be paying for these nominations, hmmm?
SHOUT, SHOUT, LET IT ALL OUT—THESE ARE THE THINGS I COULD DO WITHOUT...
Things like constant reaction shots from the luxury suites of player's wives, mothers, girlfriends, et al., during NFL games. Especially skank celebrity girlfriends like Jessica Simpson in her pink Tony Romo jersey, whom Fox TV constantly cut away to during the Cowboys-Eagles game yesterday. And some schmuck sitting with her actually brought it to her attention that she was on camera—as if this bimbo has never been on TV before! And true-to-form, the talking heads on ESPN are now trying to blame Romo's poor performance yesterday on said bimbo's distraction. Yeah, right, whatever...
I could also do without singer Beyoncé on every other TV ad these days. Ironically, she's taken the place of the above-mentioned J. Simpson on the Direct TV ads this football season, and she's also hawking cell phones and who knows what else. Beyoncé is a talented singer and a half-decent actress, but she's rapidly turning into a big sell-out.
VICTIMS OF VENOMOUS FATE
The Northwest Missouri State Bearcats are beginning to look like the Buffalo Bills of Division II football. For the third straight season, NWMS made it to the Division II title game, only to lose another heartbreaker on Saturday, this time to Valdosta State 25-20. Things were looking good for the Bearcats with about 5:00 to go in the game when a killer holding penalty nullified a nice first down play as they tried to run the clock out with the lead. Valdosta got the ball back and scored with just seconds left. Life's a real bitch sometimes, unfortunately...
OFF THE SCHNIDE!
Congrats to the Miami Dolphins for finally winning a game this year after beating Baltimore 22-16 in OT yesterday. Congrats for not only winning the game, but making me look like a genius for picking them to win! And congrats to the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers for maintaining their rightful place in ignominy (igno-Mini-Me?) as the only NFL team to go winless for an entire season. I remember that sad-sack team's maiden season very well—nearly every game was a 45-10, 48-3, 42-0 blowout—even the then-lowly Chiefs manhandled them pretty good that year. They continued their mighty losing streak on into the next season, going 0-12 before finally beating the Saints in Week 13. At least the Bucs had an excuse—they were a rag-tag expansion team full of cast-offs, wanna-bes and never-weres. The Dolphins have no such excuse, being a franchise that's been around for 40-some-odd years.
Speaking of the Bucs, on the same day that Miami spared their place in the record books, Tampa Bay finally recorded a kickoff return for a TD! In much the same manner as how the New York Mets have never had a no-hitter in their 45-year existence, it took the Buccaneers 31 years and 1,865 tries to finally run back a kickoff for a touchdown. What's the bet TB gets another one next week...
SPEAKING OF IGNOMINY
El Chiefos put on yet another half-assed performance at Arrowhead yesterday, and as I predicted when the season started, the fans are turning on the team in droves now that things have gone totally south. Most of their venom is aimed at general manager Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards. I'm willing to give Edwards one more season to make his plan work, given that he's still working with a lot of players left over from the Dick Vermeil era that don't fit his new system, but Peterson's time has come and gone. Step aside, CP, and let someone else run the show...
31 FLAVORS?!?
Well, the college bowl season begins this weekend, and there are now a staggering 31 bowl games (32 counting the BCS title game). At the risk of sounding overly-nostalgic, I remember the good ol' days when I was a kid and there were about 1/3 that many bowl games. You had the big four—Rose, Cotton, Sugar and Orange—on New Year's Day (or Eve, sometimes) and maybe another half-dozen or so traditional bowl games (Fiesta, Gator, Holiday, Tangerine, Peach, Sun and the vaunted Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl from Houston), plus a handful of All-Star games like the Blue-Gray Classic, Hula Bowl and Senior Bowl. Thus, viewers were guaranteed of seeing good solid teams playing over the holidays—none of this 6-6 vs. 7-5 crap like we have today.
Now you have these tradition-free bowl games like the New Orleans Bowl, Ft. Worth Bowl, Motor City Bowl, et al, not to mention all these soulless corporate name dot.com bowls and crap like the Outback Bowl, etc. Even the Peach Bowl ain't Peachy anymore—now it's the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. It's quite conceivable that one day we'll be treated to the ACME Lint Filter Bowl! What's worse, some cities have multiple bowl games each year now, like Orlando and San Diego. Hell, New Orleans has three this year with the BCS title game. Too much of a good thing, folks...
Rant within a rant: Why does Fox Sports suddenly get to carry all the big bowl games (except the Rose Bowl) when they don't even televise one single solitary regular season game on free TV? I guess this is what you'd call the new-millennium version of "Bowling For Dollars"...
Damn, I miss the '70s!
THE POOP AND NOTHING BUT THE POOP
Brazilian soccer midfielder Kaka was named the FIFA World Player Of The Year. I guess that means he truly is The Shit! That was too easy, I know, but I just couldn't resist...
Sad news in the music world with the passing of singer Dan Fogelberg yesterday of pancreatic cancer. I didn't follow his career all that closely, therefore I wasn't even aware that he'd been seriously ill for the past few years. Although the "Soft Rock" genre is better for me when taken in small doses, DF certainly had his moments like "Part of The Plan" and my personal favorite, 1978's "The Power Of Gold" (with Tim Weissberg). I seem to remember he got plenty of airplay at the "Mighty 1030" on the Transtar satellite in '87 when I worked there. R.I.P., Dan...
I HAVE A QUESTION...
How can the Golden Globe Awards people nominate this Charlie Wilson's War flick for five awards, when it hasn't even come out yet?!? Ain't it amazing how these brand new movies get all the nods (the Oscars do this too), while all the good stuff that comes out in March and April every year is largely forgotten? Who be paying for these nominations, hmmm?
SHOUT, SHOUT, LET IT ALL OUT—THESE ARE THE THINGS I COULD DO WITHOUT...
Things like constant reaction shots from the luxury suites of player's wives, mothers, girlfriends, et al., during NFL games. Especially skank celebrity girlfriends like Jessica Simpson in her pink Tony Romo jersey, whom Fox TV constantly cut away to during the Cowboys-Eagles game yesterday. And some schmuck sitting with her actually brought it to her attention that she was on camera—as if this bimbo has never been on TV before! And true-to-form, the talking heads on ESPN are now trying to blame Romo's poor performance yesterday on said bimbo's distraction. Yeah, right, whatever...
I could also do without singer Beyoncé on every other TV ad these days. Ironically, she's taken the place of the above-mentioned J. Simpson on the Direct TV ads this football season, and she's also hawking cell phones and who knows what else. Beyoncé is a talented singer and a half-decent actress, but she's rapidly turning into a big sell-out.
VICTIMS OF VENOMOUS FATE
The Northwest Missouri State Bearcats are beginning to look like the Buffalo Bills of Division II football. For the third straight season, NWMS made it to the Division II title game, only to lose another heartbreaker on Saturday, this time to Valdosta State 25-20. Things were looking good for the Bearcats with about 5:00 to go in the game when a killer holding penalty nullified a nice first down play as they tried to run the clock out with the lead. Valdosta got the ball back and scored with just seconds left. Life's a real bitch sometimes, unfortunately...
OFF THE SCHNIDE!
Congrats to the Miami Dolphins for finally winning a game this year after beating Baltimore 22-16 in OT yesterday. Congrats for not only winning the game, but making me look like a genius for picking them to win! And congrats to the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers for maintaining their rightful place in ignominy (igno-Mini-Me?) as the only NFL team to go winless for an entire season. I remember that sad-sack team's maiden season very well—nearly every game was a 45-10, 48-3, 42-0 blowout—even the then-lowly Chiefs manhandled them pretty good that year. They continued their mighty losing streak on into the next season, going 0-12 before finally beating the Saints in Week 13. At least the Bucs had an excuse—they were a rag-tag expansion team full of cast-offs, wanna-bes and never-weres. The Dolphins have no such excuse, being a franchise that's been around for 40-some-odd years.
Speaking of the Bucs, on the same day that Miami spared their place in the record books, Tampa Bay finally recorded a kickoff return for a TD! In much the same manner as how the New York Mets have never had a no-hitter in their 45-year existence, it took the Buccaneers 31 years and 1,865 tries to finally run back a kickoff for a touchdown. What's the bet TB gets another one next week...
SPEAKING OF IGNOMINY
El Chiefos put on yet another half-assed performance at Arrowhead yesterday, and as I predicted when the season started, the fans are turning on the team in droves now that things have gone totally south. Most of their venom is aimed at general manager Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards. I'm willing to give Edwards one more season to make his plan work, given that he's still working with a lot of players left over from the Dick Vermeil era that don't fit his new system, but Peterson's time has come and gone. Step aside, CP, and let someone else run the show...
31 FLAVORS?!?
Well, the college bowl season begins this weekend, and there are now a staggering 31 bowl games (32 counting the BCS title game). At the risk of sounding overly-nostalgic, I remember the good ol' days when I was a kid and there were about 1/3 that many bowl games. You had the big four—Rose, Cotton, Sugar and Orange—on New Year's Day (or Eve, sometimes) and maybe another half-dozen or so traditional bowl games (Fiesta, Gator, Holiday, Tangerine, Peach, Sun and the vaunted Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl from Houston), plus a handful of All-Star games like the Blue-Gray Classic, Hula Bowl and Senior Bowl. Thus, viewers were guaranteed of seeing good solid teams playing over the holidays—none of this 6-6 vs. 7-5 crap like we have today.
Now you have these tradition-free bowl games like the New Orleans Bowl, Ft. Worth Bowl, Motor City Bowl, et al, not to mention all these soulless corporate name dot.com bowls and crap like the Outback Bowl, etc. Even the Peach Bowl ain't Peachy anymore—now it's the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. It's quite conceivable that one day we'll be treated to the ACME Lint Filter Bowl! What's worse, some cities have multiple bowl games each year now, like Orlando and San Diego. Hell, New Orleans has three this year with the BCS title game. Too much of a good thing, folks...
Rant within a rant: Why does Fox Sports suddenly get to carry all the big bowl games (except the Rose Bowl) when they don't even televise one single solitary regular season game on free TV? I guess this is what you'd call the new-millennium version of "Bowling For Dollars"...
Damn, I miss the '70s!
THE POOP AND NOTHING BUT THE POOP
Brazilian soccer midfielder Kaka was named the FIFA World Player Of The Year. I guess that means he truly is The Shit! That was too easy, I know, but I just couldn't resist...
Friday, December 14, 2007
Set the demons free and watch 'em fly!
THIS JUST KILLS ME
The New York Post evidently used the following headline regarding the passing of Ike Turner: "Ike 'Beats' Tina to Death". Yes, I know, that's not very funny, yet it's fucking hilarious at the same time!
US VS. THEM?
Get a load of this malarkey:
The Colorado shooter has been identified, and his name is Matthew Murray. He apparently follows the liberal thought pattern on Christianity, as he allegedly was behind a series of blog posts decrying the "nightmare" and "abuses" of Christianity. It's almost impossible to distinguish between Murray's ranting and those of wacky Christian-hating liberals like Rosie O'Donnell. To the Matthew Murrays, it is Christianity that is dangerous. It is Christianity that is intolerant and hate-filled.
This little blurb was written by one Cassy Fiano, http://wizbangblog.com/.
Let me get this straight—Cassy's putting a mentally-disturbed gunman in the same league with a misguided (yet relatively harmless) big mouth publicity hound like Rosie O'Donnell? That's one helluva leap, Cassy! Where the fuck do these twits get this convoluted logic? Rush Limbaugh pulled the same bullshit right after the Virginia Tech massacre: "If this Virginia Tech shooter had an ideology, what do you think it was? This guy had to be a liberal." In both cases, we're talking about disenfranchised individuals who were fucked-up in the head! Since when does political ideology or religious affiliation factor into this equation?
So are Cassy and Rush trying to tell us that Christians and/or conservatives never commit murder? I beg to differ—I've heard it said by more than one person that the world's worst murderers are those who "saw the Light"...
I, FOR ONE, AM UNDERWHELMED...
...by yesterday's big hoop-de-doo on the whole baseball steroids thing. It didn't tell us a damn thing that we didn't already know anyway. However, a couple things did occur to me, the main one being how so many of the 80-some-odd players named in the Mitchell Report were so staggeringly mediocre! Apart from Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Roger Clemens (the latter of whom I've suspected of doing steroids for years), we have such "superstars" on the list as Marvin Benard, Larry Bigbie and Randy Velarde! Cody McKay? I couldn't even tell you what team he played for. Former K.C. Royal Hal Morris also made the list—this guy hit like one whole home run as a member of the Royals—fat load of good those steroids did him, huh? The other thing that struck me after the report came out is there has been no outcry for Commissioner Howdy Doody's (Bud Selig) resignation, seeing's how he's the one who presided over this whole steroid era and turned a blind eye to everything.
Oh, and then there's our fearless leader Dubya, who remarked today, "We can jump to this conclusion: that steroids have sullied the game." Well, he should know—he's the all-time greatest conclusion-jumper in recorded history! Funny how you never spoke out about having all them steroid users like Jose Canseco on your roster when you owned the Texas Rangers, huh, Dubya? Damn jackass...
THEY SAW THE FUTURE!
I'm currently viewing an episode from the Season 2 "Saturday Night Live" DVD set, one episode of which contains a parody commercial about a triple-blade shaving razor that seemed ludicrous during that Bicentennial year. Doesn't seem so ludicrous with my Gillette Mach3 now hanging in my bathroom. Another irony included in that same episode: Paul Shaffer with hair!
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #65
"God"—JOHN LENNON (1970) "I don't believe in Zimmerman..." When I first heard this song in its entirety, it wasn't long after Lennon's demise in 1980, and I had yet to make the Dylan-Zimmerman connection, therefore I thought JL was singing "I don't believe in cinnamon..." By extension, I also mistook "Buddha" for "butter", the way John sang it. Please forgive me—I was a child of the '70s, not the '60s...
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
This is current Kansas City mayor Mark Funkhouser. Lose the goatee and you get this dude...
The New York Post evidently used the following headline regarding the passing of Ike Turner: "Ike 'Beats' Tina to Death". Yes, I know, that's not very funny, yet it's fucking hilarious at the same time!
US VS. THEM?
Get a load of this malarkey:
The Colorado shooter has been identified, and his name is Matthew Murray. He apparently follows the liberal thought pattern on Christianity, as he allegedly was behind a series of blog posts decrying the "nightmare" and "abuses" of Christianity. It's almost impossible to distinguish between Murray's ranting and those of wacky Christian-hating liberals like Rosie O'Donnell. To the Matthew Murrays, it is Christianity that is dangerous. It is Christianity that is intolerant and hate-filled.
This little blurb was written by one Cassy Fiano, http://wizbangblog.com/.
Let me get this straight—Cassy's putting a mentally-disturbed gunman in the same league with a misguided (yet relatively harmless) big mouth publicity hound like Rosie O'Donnell? That's one helluva leap, Cassy! Where the fuck do these twits get this convoluted logic? Rush Limbaugh pulled the same bullshit right after the Virginia Tech massacre: "If this Virginia Tech shooter had an ideology, what do you think it was? This guy had to be a liberal." In both cases, we're talking about disenfranchised individuals who were fucked-up in the head! Since when does political ideology or religious affiliation factor into this equation?
So are Cassy and Rush trying to tell us that Christians and/or conservatives never commit murder? I beg to differ—I've heard it said by more than one person that the world's worst murderers are those who "saw the Light"...
I, FOR ONE, AM UNDERWHELMED...
...by yesterday's big hoop-de-doo on the whole baseball steroids thing. It didn't tell us a damn thing that we didn't already know anyway. However, a couple things did occur to me, the main one being how so many of the 80-some-odd players named in the Mitchell Report were so staggeringly mediocre! Apart from Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Roger Clemens (the latter of whom I've suspected of doing steroids for years), we have such "superstars" on the list as Marvin Benard, Larry Bigbie and Randy Velarde! Cody McKay? I couldn't even tell you what team he played for. Former K.C. Royal Hal Morris also made the list—this guy hit like one whole home run as a member of the Royals—fat load of good those steroids did him, huh? The other thing that struck me after the report came out is there has been no outcry for Commissioner Howdy Doody's (Bud Selig) resignation, seeing's how he's the one who presided over this whole steroid era and turned a blind eye to everything.
Oh, and then there's our fearless leader Dubya, who remarked today, "We can jump to this conclusion: that steroids have sullied the game." Well, he should know—he's the all-time greatest conclusion-jumper in recorded history! Funny how you never spoke out about having all them steroid users like Jose Canseco on your roster when you owned the Texas Rangers, huh, Dubya? Damn jackass...
THEY SAW THE FUTURE!
I'm currently viewing an episode from the Season 2 "Saturday Night Live" DVD set, one episode of which contains a parody commercial about a triple-blade shaving razor that seemed ludicrous during that Bicentennial year. Doesn't seem so ludicrous with my Gillette Mach3 now hanging in my bathroom. Another irony included in that same episode: Paul Shaffer with hair!
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #65
"God"—JOHN LENNON (1970) "I don't believe in Zimmerman..." When I first heard this song in its entirety, it wasn't long after Lennon's demise in 1980, and I had yet to make the Dylan-Zimmerman connection, therefore I thought JL was singing "I don't believe in cinnamon..." By extension, I also mistook "Buddha" for "butter", the way John sang it. Please forgive me—I was a child of the '70s, not the '60s...
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
This is current Kansas City mayor Mark Funkhouser. Lose the goatee and you get this dude...
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The times...
...THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'
Yet another time-honored tradition has gone the way of the Instamatic camera—school closings read aloud on the radio! One of my favorite childhood memories was waking up at the crack of 4:30AM and tuning in the radio on those Wintry days just aching to hear those magic words "Raytown Consolidated District #2 is closed today", especially when longtime local K.C. newsman Noel Heckerson did it with his commanding and authoritative baritone. Thanks to today's information age with the Internet and crawls on the TV news rattling off the next day's school closings, apparently even the major news/talk radio stations don't bother to read them anymore. Is there nothing sacred today? Hell, part of the reason I got into radio in the first place was so I could read off the school closings and be the bearer of good news to all the 9-year-olds glued to their radios at the crack of 4:30AM...
Then again, the rules have changed drastically for closing the schools over the last few years anyway. It used to take an act of Congress to get them to shut down school on snowy days (Raytown in particular) back in the '70s, but with all the raging paranoia about potential lawsuits if a bus goes off in the ditch and the kids get frostbite, school districts are now cancelling class at the first sighting of a snowflake the night before instead of waiting until morning like they used to. The Raytown schools were closed on Tuesday, even though the streets were merely wet, and quite drive-able. Hell, the roads were icier today following last night's overnight glazing, yet the schools were wide open. Okey-fine...
As for the big ice storm, we dodged a major bullet here in K.C., as the storm knocked out power to folks north of us in St. Joseph, and way south of us in Oklahoma and southern Kansas. Apart from tornadoes and heat waves, ice storms are the one weather phenomenon that I dread the most because of their one-two punch of slick roads and power outages. My electricity was out for eight straight days after the 2002 ice storm here, and it basically sucked. Let's hope those without power tonight get theirs restored ASAP.
IKE TURNER, 1931-2007
Big news of the day was the passing of Ike Turner, who evidently died in his sleep today. With all the negative aura about him in light of Tina Turner's biography I, Tina in which she detailed the constant beatings she suffered from him, it's easy to forget that Ike Turner was a top-flight musician. It's a damn shame that his drug addiction and abusive nature got the best of him, too. Although I respect him as a musician and songwriter, I have NO respect whatsoever for men who beat on their women. Unfortunately, ol' Ike nevah evah did nothin' nice and easy...
DEAD ROCK STAR UPDATE
Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow's death was apparently caused by an accidental cocaine overdose. It figures. Uhh, drugs are bad, ummm-kay? Dumbass...
LIVE ROCK STAR UPDATE
Most accounts of Monday night's Led Zeppelin concert in London were quite favorable, although drummer Jason Bonham may well have stolen the show from his dad's former co-horts. Plant, Page and Jones are still pretty non-committal about doing any further shows after this one, but now the rumors of an impending tour are flying like bum notes at a Sex Pistols concert. For those of you keeping score, here's Monday's set list:
Good Times, Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Underfoot
Nobody’s Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You
Dazed and Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains the Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Kashmir
-------------------------------
Whole Lotta Love
Rock And Roll
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #64
"The Immigrant Song"—LED ZEPPELIN (1970) "Hammer of the gods..." Glaring omission from Monday's set list, from which I originally mistook this phrase for "camera of the gods". Then again, I can't understand half the stuff Robert Plant sings anyway. Come to think of it, can any of you?
M-IT!
Congrats to former Kansas City Chiefs defensive back Emmitt Thomas for being named interim coach of the Atlanta Falcons today. He was always one of my favorite players during the Chiefs' glory days when I was a small child, and it's nice to see #18 finally get a shot at running the show, even if it's just for three games. This all came about when Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino abruptly (and cowardly) bolted the team less than 12 hours after their Monday night loss to the Saints to take the head coaching job at the U. of Arkansas. In the words of A. Bunker, "Oh, if he ain't a horse's patoot!"
MAD MAX, BEYOND FUKUDOME?
The Chicago Cubs signed OF Kosuke Fukudome from Japan today. Let me tell you right now, my friends, me and ESPN's Chris Berman are going to get plenty of mileage out of this dude's name! Fuck who's dome?
Yet another time-honored tradition has gone the way of the Instamatic camera—school closings read aloud on the radio! One of my favorite childhood memories was waking up at the crack of 4:30AM and tuning in the radio on those Wintry days just aching to hear those magic words "Raytown Consolidated District #2 is closed today", especially when longtime local K.C. newsman Noel Heckerson did it with his commanding and authoritative baritone. Thanks to today's information age with the Internet and crawls on the TV news rattling off the next day's school closings, apparently even the major news/talk radio stations don't bother to read them anymore. Is there nothing sacred today? Hell, part of the reason I got into radio in the first place was so I could read off the school closings and be the bearer of good news to all the 9-year-olds glued to their radios at the crack of 4:30AM...
Then again, the rules have changed drastically for closing the schools over the last few years anyway. It used to take an act of Congress to get them to shut down school on snowy days (Raytown in particular) back in the '70s, but with all the raging paranoia about potential lawsuits if a bus goes off in the ditch and the kids get frostbite, school districts are now cancelling class at the first sighting of a snowflake the night before instead of waiting until morning like they used to. The Raytown schools were closed on Tuesday, even though the streets were merely wet, and quite drive-able. Hell, the roads were icier today following last night's overnight glazing, yet the schools were wide open. Okey-fine...
As for the big ice storm, we dodged a major bullet here in K.C., as the storm knocked out power to folks north of us in St. Joseph, and way south of us in Oklahoma and southern Kansas. Apart from tornadoes and heat waves, ice storms are the one weather phenomenon that I dread the most because of their one-two punch of slick roads and power outages. My electricity was out for eight straight days after the 2002 ice storm here, and it basically sucked. Let's hope those without power tonight get theirs restored ASAP.
IKE TURNER, 1931-2007
Big news of the day was the passing of Ike Turner, who evidently died in his sleep today. With all the negative aura about him in light of Tina Turner's biography I, Tina in which she detailed the constant beatings she suffered from him, it's easy to forget that Ike Turner was a top-flight musician. It's a damn shame that his drug addiction and abusive nature got the best of him, too. Although I respect him as a musician and songwriter, I have NO respect whatsoever for men who beat on their women. Unfortunately, ol' Ike nevah evah did nothin' nice and easy...
DEAD ROCK STAR UPDATE
Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow's death was apparently caused by an accidental cocaine overdose. It figures. Uhh, drugs are bad, ummm-kay? Dumbass...
LIVE ROCK STAR UPDATE
Most accounts of Monday night's Led Zeppelin concert in London were quite favorable, although drummer Jason Bonham may well have stolen the show from his dad's former co-horts. Plant, Page and Jones are still pretty non-committal about doing any further shows after this one, but now the rumors of an impending tour are flying like bum notes at a Sex Pistols concert. For those of you keeping score, here's Monday's set list:
Good Times, Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Underfoot
Nobody’s Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You
Dazed and Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains the Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Kashmir
-------------------------------
Whole Lotta Love
Rock And Roll
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #64
"The Immigrant Song"—LED ZEPPELIN (1970) "Hammer of the gods..." Glaring omission from Monday's set list, from which I originally mistook this phrase for "camera of the gods". Then again, I can't understand half the stuff Robert Plant sings anyway. Come to think of it, can any of you?
M-IT!
Congrats to former Kansas City Chiefs defensive back Emmitt Thomas for being named interim coach of the Atlanta Falcons today. He was always one of my favorite players during the Chiefs' glory days when I was a small child, and it's nice to see #18 finally get a shot at running the show, even if it's just for three games. This all came about when Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino abruptly (and cowardly) bolted the team less than 12 hours after their Monday night loss to the Saints to take the head coaching job at the U. of Arkansas. In the words of A. Bunker, "Oh, if he ain't a horse's patoot!"
MAD MAX, BEYOND FUKUDOME?
The Chicago Cubs signed OF Kosuke Fukudome from Japan today. Let me tell you right now, my friends, me and ESPN's Chris Berman are going to get plenty of mileage out of this dude's name! Fuck who's dome?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
911 Transcript
911 Dispatch, how may I assist you?
Hello, I'd like to report a robbery—someone stole our scoreboard!
Can you describe the scoreboard, sir?
Yeah, it's 110-feet tall and in the shape of a crown, and someone made off with it, along with some other items in our yard.
What kind of items, sir?
Well, it looks like they took our outfield wall and JumboTron, and one of our bullpens is missing too.
Fine, sir, I'll send an officer out to assist you immediately...
Monday, December 10, 2007
Can you describe the ruckus?
THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES!
Pittsburgh Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith personally guaranteed the Steelers would beat New England yesterday. Final score: Patriots 34, Steelers 13. This is why I generally don't approve of trash-talking—most of the time you wind up looking foolish in the end. However, I do have a new piece of strategy for the teams who play the Patriots the rest of this season: guarantee that you're going lose to New England! Hell, a little reverse psychology might just work...
SOMETIMES BAD IS BAD
Yesterday's performance by the Kansas City Chefs in Denver was quite possibly their most sorry-ass game in the last 20 years, a 41-7 debacle during which the offense gained a whole 48 feet (16 yards) rushing and the defense pretty much phoned it in. I knew K.C. wasn't going to be a contender this year, especially after they basically wasted training camp and the preseason, but I at least expected a team that played hard and competed. I'm still willing to give head coach Herm Edwards the benefit of the doubt and give him time to shape the team in his image, but it's time for general manager Carl Peterson to step aside and let someone else run the show and bring in some better talent. This team hasn't looked this pathetic since the Frank Gansz era in the late '80s.
IF YOU CAN'T FIND A PARTNER, USE A WOODEN CHAIR...
Good advice for Michael Vick over the next 23 months, since that's what the judge gave Mr. Bad Newz today for his dog-fighting enterprise. That's more than I was expecting he'd get, and no doubt a lot more than all the Vick apologists/sycophants hoped he'd get. And before said sycophants play the race card here, I'll say it again: I'd feel the same way about this if it were Brett Favre or Peyton Manning who was accused of this crap—rot in jail, asshole! Meantime, I sure hope Mikey remembered to pack his K-Y Jelly, because he's going to be somebody's little puppy in the clink. Sorry, bad pun...
ANOTHER PERSON I CAN REALLY DO WITHOUT...
Add to my ever-growing list that precocious little girl with the elephant on the DLP plasma TV ads. Not sure why, but I find her more than just a tad irritating...
JOHN INMAN, 1935-2007
News travels a little slow sometimes even in this day and age, as I just learned over the weekend of the passing of British actor/comedian John Inman way back in March of this year. Inman played junior menswear clerk Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries on the '70s BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?" AYBS is a cult favorite, and I latched on to the show about 12 years ago on PBS (when Wendy Richard's dynamite legs caught my eye), and Mr. Humphries was clearly the focal point of the show with his campy over-the-top character, mincing steps, homosexual overtones and trademark "I'm free!" catchphrase. Although it was always implied that Mr. Humphries was gay, he never actually outed himself on the show—in the same way that we never actually saw Vera on "Cheers" or Maris on "Frasier"—and John Inman was a total hoot. If I may paraphrase Mr. Humphries himself: Now he's truly free! A belated R.I.P., John—you were one funny little dude...
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
In this corner, I give you Former U. of Missouri basketball coach "Stormin'" Norman Stewart...
...and in this corner, we have little Jackie Wright from "The Benny Hill Show"!
ICE, ICE BABY
Impending doom is apparently on its way to Kansas City, as another ice storm approacheth. First off, I'd like to recite my annual Winter refrain: Global Warming, my ass! Second off, there's a distinct possibility that I might incur a power outage here at the ol' homestead and not be able to finish what I
Pittsburgh Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith personally guaranteed the Steelers would beat New England yesterday. Final score: Patriots 34, Steelers 13. This is why I generally don't approve of trash-talking—most of the time you wind up looking foolish in the end. However, I do have a new piece of strategy for the teams who play the Patriots the rest of this season: guarantee that you're going lose to New England! Hell, a little reverse psychology might just work...
SOMETIMES BAD IS BAD
Yesterday's performance by the Kansas City Chefs in Denver was quite possibly their most sorry-ass game in the last 20 years, a 41-7 debacle during which the offense gained a whole 48 feet (16 yards) rushing and the defense pretty much phoned it in. I knew K.C. wasn't going to be a contender this year, especially after they basically wasted training camp and the preseason, but I at least expected a team that played hard and competed. I'm still willing to give head coach Herm Edwards the benefit of the doubt and give him time to shape the team in his image, but it's time for general manager Carl Peterson to step aside and let someone else run the show and bring in some better talent. This team hasn't looked this pathetic since the Frank Gansz era in the late '80s.
IF YOU CAN'T FIND A PARTNER, USE A WOODEN CHAIR...
Good advice for Michael Vick over the next 23 months, since that's what the judge gave Mr. Bad Newz today for his dog-fighting enterprise. That's more than I was expecting he'd get, and no doubt a lot more than all the Vick apologists/sycophants hoped he'd get. And before said sycophants play the race card here, I'll say it again: I'd feel the same way about this if it were Brett Favre or Peyton Manning who was accused of this crap—rot in jail, asshole! Meantime, I sure hope Mikey remembered to pack his K-Y Jelly, because he's going to be somebody's little puppy in the clink. Sorry, bad pun...
ANOTHER PERSON I CAN REALLY DO WITHOUT...
Add to my ever-growing list that precocious little girl with the elephant on the DLP plasma TV ads. Not sure why, but I find her more than just a tad irritating...
JOHN INMAN, 1935-2007
News travels a little slow sometimes even in this day and age, as I just learned over the weekend of the passing of British actor/comedian John Inman way back in March of this year. Inman played junior menswear clerk Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries on the '70s BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?" AYBS is a cult favorite, and I latched on to the show about 12 years ago on PBS (when Wendy Richard's dynamite legs caught my eye), and Mr. Humphries was clearly the focal point of the show with his campy over-the-top character, mincing steps, homosexual overtones and trademark "I'm free!" catchphrase. Although it was always implied that Mr. Humphries was gay, he never actually outed himself on the show—in the same way that we never actually saw Vera on "Cheers" or Maris on "Frasier"—and John Inman was a total hoot. If I may paraphrase Mr. Humphries himself: Now he's truly free! A belated R.I.P., John—you were one funny little dude...SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
In this corner, I give you Former U. of Missouri basketball coach "Stormin'" Norman Stewart...
...and in this corner, we have little Jackie Wright from "The Benny Hill Show"!
ICE, ICE BABY
Impending doom is apparently on its way to Kansas City, as another ice storm approacheth. First off, I'd like to recite my annual Winter refrain: Global Warming, my ass! Second off, there's a distinct possibility that I might incur a power outage here at the ol' homestead and not be able to finish what I
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