1) Saturday Night Fever (1977) Classic case of a movie where the soundtrack is infinitely better than the film it came from—Vision Quest, Detroit Rock City, F.M., and Cocktail are other good examples of this phenomenon. SNF is an incredibly average movie, apart from the dance floor scenes, which are fairly impressive. Sadly, the storyline is pretty mundane, most of the characters aren’t terribly likeable, and I can only take so much of high-strung Italians sniping at each other over little shit at the dinner table…
2) Nashville (1976) I’d always heard lots of good things about this film, so when I sat down to watch it about a year ago, I was majorly disappointed. Aimless plot, bizarre characters and this old fart redneck pseudo-narrator droning on throughout the film. Robert Altman may well be the most overrated director of all-time, too. The only saving grace of this film was seeing all the old ‘70s cars and fashions, but overall, Nashville left me scratching my head…
3) Flashdance (1983) Overrated movie that spawned an equally-overrated fashion fad—dancewear in the form of oversized torn sweatshirts that were about as sexy as today‘s sports bras. Not unlike Saturday Night Fever, watching this one again 20-some-odd years later makes one ask, “What was the big deal in the first place?” Even Jennifer Beals’ taking-off-the-bra-under-her-shirt bit is pretty underwhelming.
4) M*A*S*H (1970) Perhaps I’m a bit prejudiced by years of watching the TV series, but I have never liked this film—if you’ll pardon the pun, it’s just a big mish-mash to me! No real storyline to speak of, and Robert Altman had this irritating habit of having multiple people speaking dialogue over each other at the same time—it’s even hard to follow on DVD with the subtitles turned on! It also didn’t help that they staged that hokey football game wearing late-1960’s helmets and uniforms in what was supposed to be 1952 South Korea. Very lame.
5) Rocky Horror Picture Show (1973) When I first rented the video for this one back in the mid-‘90s, I was excited to see what all the fuss was about, but it turned out to be a huge letdown. Rocky Snorer Picture Show is more accurate! I guess this is one of those you-had-to-be-there-at-the-time kind of things to understand all the hoopla surrounding it back in the day.
6) Pretty Woman (1990) Man, was this one overrated in EVERY possible way! Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are two of the most overrated actors of all-time, both in terms of their looks and acting ability (especially Roberts), and this movie didn’t honk my hooter at all. In the words of the Wayans Brothers’ “Men on Film”: “HATED it!”
7) Grease (1978) I love Olivia Newton-John to death—I lusted after her mightily back in the ‘70s—but I can’t stand this film. I’m not real big on musicals in the first place, but this one is so hokey and cornball, and having John Revolting as the lead didn’t help matters any. Travolta is to singing what Ted Baxter was to newscasting, especially on “Summer Nights”, and that “tell me more, tell me more” chorus grates on me like Joan Rivers! The ‘50s weren’t as fabulous as they were cracked up to be, either. I’ll take ONJ in Xanadu over this corny thing any day…
8) Caddyshack (1978) Apart from Bill Murray’s bits—which truly WERE funny—and a couple good lines from Rodney Dangerfield, this movie was a very unfunny bore! While I do admit to never caring much for Chevy Chase in the first place, I’ve never understood why Caddyshack is held in such high esteem and put in the same league with classics like Animal House and American Graffiti.
9) Pulp Fiction (1994) I’ve watched this thing at least ten times, and I still don’t quite get the point of it all, other than what I already knew—drugs are bad, mmm-kay? It also was hard for me to take Samuel L. Jackson’s character seriously—that afro wig kept reminding me of late ventriloquist Willie Tyler’s dummy Lester! Decent soundtrack, though. By the way, do you see a trend, here? This is the third John Travolta film to make this list, although he was almost tolerable in this one. Almost…
10) The Last Picture Show (1971) I just watched this one last week, and boy was I unimpressed! This one got a bunch of Oscar nominations, and I’m clueless as to why. Just a bunch of hick people in a hick town in Texas in the ‘50s that didn’t know what to do with themselves. It wasn’t even worth sitting through to watch Cybill Shepherd take her clothes off on the diving board!
11) The Aviator (2004) This damn thing was about an hour too long, for starters, and it seems to me that a guy whose life story was as quirky and weird as Howard Hughes' could sustain one’s interest throughout a whole movie, but not the way they told it here. Aviator got a boatload of Oscar nods that it didn’t deserve, too.
12) Lost In Translation (2003) I’m still trying to figure out what got the Oscar people all worked-up about this movie! Nothing against Bill Murray, but what was so special about his performance here? What was so special about the movie, period? Apart from the beautiful scenic views of downtown Tokyo, and the rather humorous scene with Murray in the swimming pool with the geriatric water aerobics group, this movie was a total dud.
13) Borat (2006) Please see my prior post from January 3 for my little dissertation on this one…I’m too fucking tired to type it all over again!
14) ANY Woody Allen Movie Normally, I don’t like to use a blanket entry like this, but in the Wood Man’s case, I think it’s totally appropriate. This guy’s movies are all the same—he always plays the same sorry-ass hang-dog character, and almost always casts the equally-overrated Diane Keaton, yet the critics go ape-shit over his flicks every damn time.
15) Close Encounters Of The Third Kind (1978) The hoopla that surrounded this one when it first came out rivaled that of Star Wars, but the movie itself sure as hell didn’t. Zzzzzz…
16) Melvin And Howard (1980) I hate to pick on this one because I really like Paul LeMat (he was John Milner driving the yellow car in American Graffiti), but this one wasn’t the laugh riot I was expecting and was pretty dull overall. Interesting piece of casting, though: Mary Steenburgen playing a stripper! Huh?!?
17) Shampoo (1972) Coulda used some mousse and conditioner too! I put Warren Beatty in the same category as Richard Gere—overrated pretty boy…
18) The Buddy Holly Story (1978) ‘A’ for effort on the part of the very stocky Gary Busey for making a convincing-looking Buddy Holly—who in real life was thinner than Ron Howard’s hair—but the film itself took way too many detours around the facts for my liking. Hell, they even reduced The Crickets from a four-piece band to a three-piece, and changed the names of the guys in the band to avoid lawsuits. Someone should have also told the director that there ain’t any mountains anywhere near Lubbock, Texas!
19) Moonstruck (1987) More hyper-tense Italians sniping at each other over little shit. Nicholas Cage was in this one too, which is rarely helpful. And Cher’s “Italian” accent was about as convincing as that of Meryl Streep in The Bridges of Madison County, which was, in turn, about as convincing as Mr. Tudball’s toupee on the “Carol Burnett Show”! Yet, Cher got a Best Actress Oscar anyway. Figures…
20) Ordinary People (1978) Should’ve been called Ordinary Movie! This one got a bunch of Oscar nods too, for no particular reason. It wasn’t that bad of a movie, really—it was just, well, ordinary!
21) The Matrix (1999) I realize you have to suspend your disbelief a bit more when it comes to futuristic Sci-Fi flicks, but I found that difficult with this one, especially because it seemed to focus solely on impressing me with all its special effects eye candy instead of a plausible story.
22) Sideways (2004) Can someone please explain why this yap-fest was so highly-regarded? I finally gave up on the damn thing about two-thirds of the way through it because I couldn’t take any more of the constant dialogue amongst the two boring main characters. Freakin' C-SPAN is more lively than this crap was!
23) The Pope Of Greenwich Village (1984) Dumbass character played by Eric Roberts gets involved up to his eyelids with the Mafia and yet has the nerve to act surprised when some thug cuts off his thumb when he fails to pay them back their money. “Deyyyy took my thuuuummb, CHAWWWW-LIEEE!!!!” he exclaims to his brother. Roberts pulls off the New Yawk accent about as well as I do, too…
24) Apocalypse Now (1979) Easily the most-overrated of all the Vietnam movies so far, especially Marlon Brando’s performance. Tell me please, why did/does that fucker rate such high praise for merely mumbling? Damn movie was about an hour and a half too long, too…
25) This Is Spinal Tap (1984) This one certainly has its moments, especially early on, like the Stonehenge stage bit and songs like “Hell Hole” and “Big Bottom”, but the longer the movie goes on, the more boring it gets, and you remember that you’re watching actors in bad wigs instead of a fictional Heavy Metal band.
26) Breakfast At Tiffany’s (1961) Never have understood the appeal of this movie, even though Audrey Hepburn was a doll. I think maybe it’s because flighty characters like Holly Golightly rarely appeal to me.
27) Last Tango In Paris (1972) Ol’ Marlo Brandon (as A. Bunker called him) strikes again! I liked Brando in The Godfather and On The Waterfront, but beyond those two, I just don’t get what the big deal is about him. This movie sucked, big time!
28) Dog Day Afternoon (1975) Overblown Al Pacino yawner. He’s a bank robber, yet we’re supposed to feel empathy for him? That’s like rooting for the shark in Jaws. Come to think of it, I actually did root for the shark in Jaws The Revenge, because it was so bad and Lorraine Gary is so ugly! As for Dog Day, it was all bark and no bite. Sorry...
29) Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969) This movie came out when sex farces were en vogue in the late ‘60s, but this one was hardly arousing, partly because such dullards as Elliott Gould and Robert Culp were in it...
30) V For Vendetta (2005) This futuristic tale of a totalitarian state was hyped as another Matrix when it came out, but Natalie Portman wound up having her head shaved for nothing, because this flick was a total snoozer! At least she made a really cute bald chick…
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Friday, February 16, 2007
The 30 Greatest Album Covers of All-Time, Part 3
10) Styx—Paradise Theater (1981) Great concept for both the front and back covers here. Too bad Dennis DeYoung let it all go to his head and created that Kilroy debacle a couple years later.
9) The Beatles—Revolver (1966) The Beatles had so many cool covers, but this is my favorite, even though it’s a tad arty-farty. I don’t normally go for Avant-Garde stuff, but it was done by musician Klaus Voorman, who later played bass on Ringo’s, John’s and George’s solo albums. Wish I could draw like that…
8) Belinda Carlisle—Belinda (1986) I won’t deny that this one was easy on my eyes!
7) Led Zeppelin—Led Zeppelin (1969) It’s ironic how un-subtle this cover was, compared to Zep’s subsequent album covers that were all mysterious and/or weird.
6) Foreigner—4 (1981) I laughed out loud the first time I saw this one—brilliant idea, too!
5) Stevie Ray Vaughan—Couldn’t Stand The Weather (1984) Gotta love an album cover with a great punchline!
4) The Who—Who’s Next (1971) Legend has it the band passed this plinth thing in a slag heap while on tour, and apparently there was no Port-a-Potty handy, so it served them well. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go…
3) Elton John—Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (1973) Not only does this one make my list for the front cover—which is first-rate—but the entire package was just stunning. I loved how each song on the album had its own appropriate and colorful illustration next to its lyrics and musician credits. It’s also my favorite album, music-wise, of all-time.
2) The Who—The Who By Numbers (1975) The late John Entwistle was not only the greatest bass player on the planet, but also a very talented artist, as evidenced by this classic cover. He once claimed that the faces were the easy part to draw, but the dots and the numbers were a big pain in the arse!
1) Kiss—Destroyer (1976) They don’t get much cooler than this! Kudos to artist Ken Kelly for creating such a beautiful and powerful album portrait that so accurately captured the Hottest Band In The World just as they were about to take it over. Looks even cooler as a silver mylar poster…
Thursday, February 15, 2007
The 30 Greatest Album Covers of All-Time, Part 2
My apologies in advance for the somewhat sloppy layout and alignment here, but it weren't my fault! The blogger folks claim that their editor application is a "wysiwyg", but that's a bunch of hooey. Damn thing has a mind of its own, and trust me, I was completely sober when I put this together...
20) Elton John—Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy (1975) Elton John always went above and beyond the call with his album jackets back in the ‘70s. This one included not one, but TWO souvenir booklets along with a crazy front and back cover that you can look at a hundred times and still keep finding things you didn’t notice before.
18) Paul Revere & The Raiders—Hard & Heavy (with Marshmallow) (1969) There goes the neighborhood! Hope they were headed in the general direction of the Bradys’ house…
17) Elton John—Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Player (1973) Another of Elton’s elaborate album jackets, and you gotta love the title too.
14) Van Halen—1984 (1984) I’m sure the Surgeon General wasn’t too crazy about this one, but it’s damn funny anyway. Still, I’m required to say that smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?
13) The Outlaws—Ghost Riders (1980) For all those Space Cowboys out there—Yippie-ki-yo, motherfucker!
12) The Grateful Dead—Dead Set (1981) I was never a big Dead fan, but I thought this was a cool album jacket. It’s actually a gatefold sleeve, and on the back it features another skeleton overlooking New York City.
11) Jane Wiedlin—Tangled (1990) Okay, this came out during the CD-only era, but I’m including it anyway. Borderline porn on an album cover—great concept!
20) Elton John—Captain Fantastic & The Brown Dirt Cowboy (1975) Elton John always went above and beyond the call with his album jackets back in the ‘70s. This one included not one, but TWO souvenir booklets along with a crazy front and back cover that you can look at a hundred times and still keep finding things you didn’t notice before.
19) Van Halen—Van Halen II (1979) Complete antithesis of #20—very simple, but very stately.
18) Paul Revere & The Raiders—Hard & Heavy (with Marshmallow) (1969) There goes the neighborhood! Hope they were headed in the general direction of the Bradys’ house…17) Elton John—Don’t Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Player (1973) Another of Elton’s elaborate album jackets, and you gotta love the title too.
16) Ted Nugent—Weekend Warriors (1978) In spite of my current animosity toward the Rev. Theodosius Atrocious, as well as my ambivalence on the whole gun thing, I still think this was still a pretty cool cover.
15) Twisted Sister—Love Is For Suckers (1987) Great title for a great song, a sadly overlooked album, and a clever cover, to boot. Now, drop and give me 20!
14) Van Halen—1984 (1984) I’m sure the Surgeon General wasn’t too crazy about this one, but it’s damn funny anyway. Still, I’m required to say that smoking’s bad, mmm-kay?
13) The Outlaws—Ghost Riders (1980) For all those Space Cowboys out there—Yippie-ki-yo, motherfucker!
12) The Grateful Dead—Dead Set (1981) I was never a big Dead fan, but I thought this was a cool album jacket. It’s actually a gatefold sleeve, and on the back it features another skeleton overlooking New York City.
11) Jane Wiedlin—Tangled (1990) Okay, this came out during the CD-only era, but I’m including it anyway. Borderline porn on an album cover—great concept!Happy Matt Groening's B-Day!
...that's the man who gave us the "Simpsons". Beats celebrating Valentine's Day, that's for sure...
THIS JUST IN...ANNA NICOLE IS STILL DEAD!
Well, predictably, Anna Nicole Smith’s been dead for a week now, and she’s still getting wall-to-wall coverage on all the cable news channels night after night during prime-time. During a quick scan through the channels on Tuesday night during the 9:00 hour, I counted no less than SEVEN channels that were flapping their jaws about her. You’d think that A.N.S. actually did something important in her life to merit more media coverage than the deaths of Presidents Reagan and Ford combined. She’s fast approaching Princess Diana territory already.
I’d like to think that at this very moment somewhere out there in the television news industry, there are more than a few people with principles and/or a conscience—whether they be a staff writer or a reporter or a cameraman or a gopher or whatever—who are now asking themselves, "I got into this sleazy business just for this?" and are contemplating a career change.
I’d really like to think that, anyway…
WEATHER B.S.
Local TV weather geek Gary Lezak’s print ad in yesterday’s paper read, "It’s day 34 of the 2007 Cold Wave—is there an end in sight? Tune in to 41 Action News tonight and find out…" Hey Gary, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s February in Kansas City—it’s supposed to be cold!! Didn’t they teach you that at Meteorology school? As for your "Cold Wave", I seem to remember a Tuesday the week before last when it got up to 55 degrees here. This is precisely why I so despise today’s local TV news and weather people—they’re such sensationalists (and alarmists, too). I get my weather from the Weather Channel or the National Weather Service website, anyway.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #10
"Tom Sawyer"—RUSH (1981) "…his mind is not for rent to any god or government/Always hope for your discontent…" could also be misinterpreted as "always hope for your Discotheque…"
WHY APOLOGIZE?
Sen. Obama was absolutely right when he said our American soldiers in Iraq have been wasted, but he later apologized for using the word "wasted". Dude, this whole fucking thing has been one BIG waste—no apology was necessary! What term would the Shrubs—er uh, Bushes have preferred Obama to use: "Properly done away with"? Gimme a break already…
BRILLIANT!We had a patient at work yesterday named Dixie Hicks. Now, if that ain’t the perfect name for a potential all-male Dixie Chicks tribute band, then I don’t know what is! Hell, there probably already is one, for all I know. Chicks With Dicks would also work…
COMEDY AIN’T CHEAP
Saw by the paper today that 45 bucks (plus convenience charge) would get me a nosebleed seat at Kemper Arena for Larry The Cable Guy’s upcoming show tomorrow night. I get more of a laugh out of that fact than I probably would out of the show itself. I heard Blue Man Group tickets are about that much $$ too. Now, that’s funny!
THIS JUST IN...ANNA NICOLE IS STILL DEAD!
Well, predictably, Anna Nicole Smith’s been dead for a week now, and she’s still getting wall-to-wall coverage on all the cable news channels night after night during prime-time. During a quick scan through the channels on Tuesday night during the 9:00 hour, I counted no less than SEVEN channels that were flapping their jaws about her. You’d think that A.N.S. actually did something important in her life to merit more media coverage than the deaths of Presidents Reagan and Ford combined. She’s fast approaching Princess Diana territory already.
I’d like to think that at this very moment somewhere out there in the television news industry, there are more than a few people with principles and/or a conscience—whether they be a staff writer or a reporter or a cameraman or a gopher or whatever—who are now asking themselves, "I got into this sleazy business just for this?" and are contemplating a career change.
I’d really like to think that, anyway…
WEATHER B.S.
Local TV weather geek Gary Lezak’s print ad in yesterday’s paper read, "It’s day 34 of the 2007 Cold Wave—is there an end in sight? Tune in to 41 Action News tonight and find out…" Hey Gary, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s February in Kansas City—it’s supposed to be cold!! Didn’t they teach you that at Meteorology school? As for your "Cold Wave", I seem to remember a Tuesday the week before last when it got up to 55 degrees here. This is precisely why I so despise today’s local TV news and weather people—they’re such sensationalists (and alarmists, too). I get my weather from the Weather Channel or the National Weather Service website, anyway.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #10
"Tom Sawyer"—RUSH (1981) "…his mind is not for rent to any god or government/Always hope for your discontent…" could also be misinterpreted as "always hope for your Discotheque…"
WHY APOLOGIZE?
Sen. Obama was absolutely right when he said our American soldiers in Iraq have been wasted, but he later apologized for using the word "wasted". Dude, this whole fucking thing has been one BIG waste—no apology was necessary! What term would the Shrubs—er uh, Bushes have preferred Obama to use: "Properly done away with"? Gimme a break already…
BRILLIANT!We had a patient at work yesterday named Dixie Hicks. Now, if that ain’t the perfect name for a potential all-male Dixie Chicks tribute band, then I don’t know what is! Hell, there probably already is one, for all I know. Chicks With Dicks would also work…
COMEDY AIN’T CHEAP
Saw by the paper today that 45 bucks (plus convenience charge) would get me a nosebleed seat at Kemper Arena for Larry The Cable Guy’s upcoming show tomorrow night. I get more of a laugh out of that fact than I probably would out of the show itself. I heard Blue Man Group tickets are about that much $$ too. Now, that’s funny!
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The 30 Greatest Album Covers of All-Time, Part 1
Even as much as I loved the advent of the compact disc over 20 years ago, one casualty of CD technology has been the mighty album cover, which sadly has become a lost art. So, here's Part 1 (of three) of my little tribute to album cover art:
30) Kiss—Love Gun (1977) This was Ken "Destroyer" Kelly’s second Kiss album cover portrait. Not quite as good as his first, but most worthy, all the same.
29) The Beatles—Abbey Road (1969) So legendary, it HAD to make this list. By the way, in case you missed it—Paul’s still not dead! However, his career appears to be...
28) The Who—The Who Sell Out (1967) Funny album covers always score high with me, and this one’s a classic! Legend has it that Roger Daltrey caught a cold from having to sit in that tub of beans.
27) Boston—Boston (1976) The guitar-shaped spaceship made the ‘Enterprise’ look pretty hokey in comparison!
26) Molly Hatchet—Flirtin’ With Disaster (1980) I think that dude on the cover was having a bad day, don’t you? He looked like he meant business!
25) George Carlin—Class Clown (1972) It’s easy to forget to include comedy albums on a list like this, but they are certainly worthy of consideration. The track listing on the chalkboard on the back was clever, too.
24) R.E.O. Speedwagon—You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978) Just in case you missed the point of the title! Still funny as hell…
23) Led Zeppelin—Physical Graffiti (1975) I always loved album jackets that had cut-outs on the cover that integrated with whatever was on the inner sleeve(s).
22) Kiss—Rock And Roll Over (1976) I spent many an hour tracing this one onto the covers of my school notebooks during class in junior high school.
21) ZZ Top—Afterburner (1985) That little ol’ band from Texas beams up! Too bad this was the last of their really good records before complacency set in...
30) Kiss—Love Gun (1977) This was Ken "Destroyer" Kelly’s second Kiss album cover portrait. Not quite as good as his first, but most worthy, all the same.
29) The Beatles—Abbey Road (1969) So legendary, it HAD to make this list. By the way, in case you missed it—Paul’s still not dead! However, his career appears to be...
28) The Who—The Who Sell Out (1967) Funny album covers always score high with me, and this one’s a classic! Legend has it that Roger Daltrey caught a cold from having to sit in that tub of beans.
27) Boston—Boston (1976) The guitar-shaped spaceship made the ‘Enterprise’ look pretty hokey in comparison!
26) Molly Hatchet—Flirtin’ With Disaster (1980) I think that dude on the cover was having a bad day, don’t you? He looked like he meant business!
25) George Carlin—Class Clown (1972) It’s easy to forget to include comedy albums on a list like this, but they are certainly worthy of consideration. The track listing on the chalkboard on the back was clever, too. 
24) R.E.O. Speedwagon—You Can Tune A Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish (1978) Just in case you missed the point of the title! Still funny as hell…
23) Led Zeppelin—Physical Graffiti (1975) I always loved album jackets that had cut-outs on the cover that integrated with whatever was on the inner sleeve(s).
22) Kiss—Rock And Roll Over (1976) I spent many an hour tracing this one onto the covers of my school notebooks during class in junior high school.
21) ZZ Top—Afterburner (1985) That little ol’ band from Texas beams up! Too bad this was the last of their really good records before complacency set in...Monday, February 12, 2007
Great Moments In Radio, Vol. VI
At K-JO in St. Joseph, we carried the "Tom Snyder Radio Show" from 9PM to Midnight every Monday thru Friday, which was actually quite enjoyable. Yes, T.S. could sometimes be pompous as all get-out—especially on T.V.—but his radio show was a lot more fun to listen to than the abrasiveness of loveable Larry King ("Alexandria, Virginia--HELLO!!").
I particularly always looked forward to the end of Tom's show, not because it sucked, but because Snyder would always remain on the satellite and talk off the air for a few minutes, thanking his guests, the network affiliates, production crew, et al, and he would also do commentary on the show he’d just completed (often in PG-rated language). One night, some asshole called in right at the end of the show and got on his soapbox and started ranting about this, that and the other to the point where even Snyder couldn’t get a word in with him at all. During Tom’s post-show commentary, he says, "That last guy SUCKED (pregnant pause)…the wind right out of me! I hate it when people get on here and try to make speeches!" Unfortunately, we only had a 90-second window with which to listen to Tom’s remarks because we had to switch the satellite over to ABC news at the top of the hour, so we rarely got to hear the end of Tom's rants, many of which had to have been real doozies!
I particularly always looked forward to the end of Tom's show, not because it sucked, but because Snyder would always remain on the satellite and talk off the air for a few minutes, thanking his guests, the network affiliates, production crew, et al, and he would also do commentary on the show he’d just completed (often in PG-rated language). One night, some asshole called in right at the end of the show and got on his soapbox and started ranting about this, that and the other to the point where even Snyder couldn’t get a word in with him at all. During Tom’s post-show commentary, he says, "That last guy SUCKED (pregnant pause)…the wind right out of me! I hate it when people get on here and try to make speeches!" Unfortunately, we only had a 90-second window with which to listen to Tom’s remarks because we had to switch the satellite over to ABC news at the top of the hour, so we rarely got to hear the end of Tom's rants, many of which had to have been real doozies!
20 Questions
A compilation of some of the funniest questions I've ever heard posed, in no particular order:
—"Does Joe Jackson HAVE to be in his videos?" (Gallagher)
—"Who the hell is Rula Lenska?" (Johnny Carson)
—"You listen to singing meat loafs?" (my brother Earnie)
—"Do you mind if I call you 'Arse'?" (singer Phil Collins to talk show host Arsenio Hall)
—"Do I have a scrotum?" (Sharon Osbourne)
—"What are you people—on dope?" (Mr. Hand in Fast Times At Ridgemont High)
—"Why is there no blue food?" (George Carlin) [Blueberries are purple!]
—"What's the matter, honey--does your hair hurt?" (Redd Foxx, to an uptight female audience member)
—"How can a guy who changes his name and wears a toupee be 'telling it like it is'?" (Joe Garagiola regarding Howard Cosell)
—"Well, what're we suppose to do, ya mo'ron?" (Stork in National Lampoon's Animal House)
—"How could anyone be so unkind to arrest a man for driving while blind?" (ZZ Top)
—"How do you not fall down more?" (Chandler Bing to Joey on "Friends")
—"How come he's got those two Cocoa Puffs stuck to his cheek?" (Beavis, regarding Lemmy from Motorhead)
—"How you get so big eating food of this kind?" (Yoda to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back)
—"Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?" (George Carlin)
—"Are you totally deranged?" (John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda)
—"What is your major malfunction, numb-nuts?" (Sgt. Hartman in Full Metal Jacket)
—"Would it make you feel any better...if they was pushed outta windows?" (Archie Bunker to Gloria, in response to the number of people killed annually by handguns)
—"Why you no crapping?" (Benny Hill, as Oriental man)
—"Does Joe Jackson HAVE to be in his videos?" (Gallagher)
—"Who the hell is Rula Lenska?" (Johnny Carson)
—"You listen to singing meat loafs?" (my brother Earnie)
—"Do you mind if I call you 'Arse'?" (singer Phil Collins to talk show host Arsenio Hall)
—"Do I have a scrotum?" (Sharon Osbourne)
—"What are you people—on dope?" (Mr. Hand in Fast Times At Ridgemont High)
—"Why is there no blue food?" (George Carlin) [Blueberries are purple!]
—"What's the matter, honey--does your hair hurt?" (Redd Foxx, to an uptight female audience member)
—"How can a guy who changes his name and wears a toupee be 'telling it like it is'?" (Joe Garagiola regarding Howard Cosell)
—"Well, what're we suppose to do, ya mo'ron?" (Stork in National Lampoon's Animal House)
—"How could anyone be so unkind to arrest a man for driving while blind?" (ZZ Top)
—"How do you not fall down more?" (Chandler Bing to Joey on "Friends")
—"How come he's got those two Cocoa Puffs stuck to his cheek?" (Beavis, regarding Lemmy from Motorhead)
—"How you get so big eating food of this kind?" (Yoda to Luke Skywalker in The Empire Strikes Back)
—"Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?" (George Carlin)
—"Are you totally deranged?" (John Cleese in A Fish Called Wanda)
—"What is your major malfunction, numb-nuts?" (Sgt. Hartman in Full Metal Jacket)
—"Would it make you feel any better...if they was pushed outta windows?" (Archie Bunker to Gloria, in response to the number of people killed annually by handguns)
—"Why you no crapping?" (Benny Hill, as Oriental man)
Seems like I've done this a hundred times already...
...OH WAIT--I HAVE!
After only two months and change, this is my 100th blog entry already. You be the judge--is this a good thing or a bad thing?
MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE—BY THE WAY, YOU’RE BLACK!
The all-knowing, all-seeing triumvirate jury on Faux News Channel’s morning show (Super Doofus Steve Doocy, the blonde with the ugly legs, and that other dork whose name escapes me) today accused the Grammy Awards people of having an "agenda" by awarding five Grammies to the Dixie Chicks last night, as well as one to former Prez Jimmy Carter (Best Spoken Word Recording or some such thing). Why, whatever would possess them to suggest something like that? They’re so "fair and balanced", after all!
Certainly, no one on THIS blog would EVER dare accuse Fox News Channel of having an "agenda", would they? [Chuckle/snort/wheeze/guffaw/tee-hee!] Then again, in the words of Fred Sanford, "If the shoe fits--shove it up your nose!" AND, I have no doubt that FNC will be sure to point out any alleged "agenda" in the unlikely event that, say, Ted Nugent and Dubya ever win Grammies in the same year…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #9
"Right Down The Line"—GERRY RAFFERTY (1978) "When I wanted you to share my life…" sounded kinda like "When I wanted you to shave my wife…" to me. You’ve heard of blurred vision? Well, sometimes I have blurred hearing…
I’M NOT SURE, BUT…
I think I saw Don Imus actually crack a smile this morning on his show! I was about half-asleep at the time, though, so it may have been a dream. I have to be careful not to leave his show on in lieu of my snooze-alarm time in the morning or I’ll fall back to sleep and be late for work…
NICE COMEBA(RA)CK!
In response to Mr. Big Mouth Dumbass Australian Prime Minister’s criticism of him (see previous post), Barack Obama suggested that perhaps the Aussies ought to send 20,000 of their troops to Iraq instead of us. Nice return of serve, and not a bad idea either, Bro!
A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
To singer Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child, who turned 26 yesterday. I only bring this up because I wanted to make any of the producers at VH-1 who might be reading this aware that Ms. Rowland was born in 1981. You see, they included her personal recollections on their "I Love the '70s" anthology show a couple years ago. Do the math, folks, and tell me what's wrong with that picture?
WELL, DOGGIES!
The Westminster Kennel big-time dog show from Madison Sq. Garden is currently airing on USA network as I type. I'm hardly a dog enthusiast, but I get a kick out of watching this thing if for no other reason just to hear the announcers say the word "bitch" without being censored! [Yes, I know I'm rather shallow sometimes.] I keep waiting for one of these dogs to trip up their handler while they run around the circuit too! I'm also patiently awaiting the Weenie Dog competition. At least this year they don't have that old lady judge who resembled Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars…
Meantime, in an absolutely brilliant piece of counter-programming, Animal Planet is airing the "World's Ugliest Dog" competition directly opposite the Westminster thing, and it's funny as hell! Much to my chagrin, though, neither Rosie O'Donnell or Joan Rivers' ugly-ass daughter were among the contestants…
After only two months and change, this is my 100th blog entry already. You be the judge--is this a good thing or a bad thing?
MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE—BY THE WAY, YOU’RE BLACK!
The all-knowing, all-seeing triumvirate jury on Faux News Channel’s morning show (Super Doofus Steve Doocy, the blonde with the ugly legs, and that other dork whose name escapes me) today accused the Grammy Awards people of having an "agenda" by awarding five Grammies to the Dixie Chicks last night, as well as one to former Prez Jimmy Carter (Best Spoken Word Recording or some such thing). Why, whatever would possess them to suggest something like that? They’re so "fair and balanced", after all!
Certainly, no one on THIS blog would EVER dare accuse Fox News Channel of having an "agenda", would they? [Chuckle/snort/wheeze/guffaw/tee-hee!] Then again, in the words of Fred Sanford, "If the shoe fits--shove it up your nose!" AND, I have no doubt that FNC will be sure to point out any alleged "agenda" in the unlikely event that, say, Ted Nugent and Dubya ever win Grammies in the same year…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #9
"Right Down The Line"—GERRY RAFFERTY (1978) "When I wanted you to share my life…" sounded kinda like "When I wanted you to shave my wife…" to me. You’ve heard of blurred vision? Well, sometimes I have blurred hearing…
I’M NOT SURE, BUT…
I think I saw Don Imus actually crack a smile this morning on his show! I was about half-asleep at the time, though, so it may have been a dream. I have to be careful not to leave his show on in lieu of my snooze-alarm time in the morning or I’ll fall back to sleep and be late for work…
NICE COMEBA(RA)CK!
In response to Mr. Big Mouth Dumbass Australian Prime Minister’s criticism of him (see previous post), Barack Obama suggested that perhaps the Aussies ought to send 20,000 of their troops to Iraq instead of us. Nice return of serve, and not a bad idea either, Bro!
A BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
To singer Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child, who turned 26 yesterday. I only bring this up because I wanted to make any of the producers at VH-1 who might be reading this aware that Ms. Rowland was born in 1981. You see, they included her personal recollections on their "I Love the '70s" anthology show a couple years ago. Do the math, folks, and tell me what's wrong with that picture?
WELL, DOGGIES!
The Westminster Kennel big-time dog show from Madison Sq. Garden is currently airing on USA network as I type. I'm hardly a dog enthusiast, but I get a kick out of watching this thing if for no other reason just to hear the announcers say the word "bitch" without being censored! [Yes, I know I'm rather shallow sometimes.] I keep waiting for one of these dogs to trip up their handler while they run around the circuit too! I'm also patiently awaiting the Weenie Dog competition. At least this year they don't have that old lady judge who resembled Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars…
Meantime, in an absolutely brilliant piece of counter-programming, Animal Planet is airing the "World's Ugliest Dog" competition directly opposite the Westminster thing, and it's funny as hell! Much to my chagrin, though, neither Rosie O'Donnell or Joan Rivers' ugly-ass daughter were among the contestants…
Sunday, February 11, 2007
You bought Dubya's malarkey, too--eh, Chief?
Australian Prime Minister John Howard—a staunch Dubya ally—who has sent troops to Iraq and faces his own re-election bid later this year, said Barack Obama's proposals to end the war in Iraq would spell disaster for the Middle East. [Not that this little exercise in futility hasn't already resembled Mr. Magoo performing lazer eye surgery, eh, Big John?]"I think that will just encourage those who want to completely destabilize and destroy Iraq, and create chaos and a victory for the terrorists to hang on and hope for an Obama victory," Howard said on Nine Network television. And furthermore, Big John sez, "If I were running al-Qaida in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and be praying as many times as possible for a victory, not only for Obama but also for the Democrats."
John, ol' buddy, ol' pal—it sounds as if you've been downing more cans of Foster's than I have lately, so why don't you tie your kangaroo down, sport, put a few more shrimps on the barbie and go back to holding up that poster of Kylie Minogue with one hand, and run your own country, okay Bud? G'day, Mate!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Weekend Update with Chevy Driver
RUT-RO, RAGGY!
It has been brought to my attention that the tone of my blog is decidely far too negative and that it's high time I said something positive for a change! Okey-fine, I aim to please, so I'll do it. Hmmm—okay, I'm drawing a blank here. Give me a few minutes, mmm-kay?.....
ROYALS FEVER—CATCH IT!
Being as the Stupor Bowl was last weekend, it can only mean one thing—pitchers and catchers report to spring training in a couple weeks! Ah yes, time to start thinking about beisbol season, and for 2007, the Kansas City Royals have unveiled their new slogan: "True. Blue. Tradition." Not bad, actually. Certainly better than the one they had in 1992, "Royals Baseball: It’s Here!" Still and all, I prefer my suggestion: "Kansas Shitty Royals Baseball: It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This—EVER!" or my alternative: "Royals Baseball: Come On Out—Sit Anywhere You Want!"
In spite of the past few dismal seasons, I’m actually looking forward to the season here this year—there’s always hope that the Royals could emulate what Detroit did last season. We’re just as shitty as the Tigers were a couple years back, and they turned it around in a short time, so there's always hope.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #8
"You’re So Vain"—CARLY SIMON (1972) "I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee…", better known to me as "there were clowns in my coffee…" Better lay off that caffeine, Krusty!
A-HA! I GOT ONE, NOW!
I can state with great certainty that I am POSITIVE I am sure as hell NOT the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child! One of my favorite ZZ Top songs applies here: "I wouldn't touch it with a Ten Foot Pole..." Not even a 20-foot pole!
Speaking of the dearly-departed, a co-worker of mine claims she heard that there is suspicion that A.N.S.'s late son might well be the father of her infant child, thus why he offed himself last year. Not that I really care about any of this in the first place, but my response to that is, "EWWWW!" with a capital "EW"!
AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR...
Remember a few days back when I reported about K.C. Mayoral candidate Stan Glazer's proposed 50-story "observation wheel" for the Kansas City riverfront area? Well, one enterprising individual found a practical use for the damn thing after all....
By the way, I forgot to mention that ol' Stan used to be the owner of a couple local comedy clubs here, and I'm pretty sure that he smoked a joint or two with the likes of Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, and Bob Saget, so it ain't too hard to figure out where he gets his ideas from. This is almost as good as that episode of "Frasier" where the good Dr. Crane threw his support to the candidate who admitted to communicating with aliens. No wonder he so strongly supported the "little people!"
WORLD'S DUMBEST SONG LYRICS OF ALL-TIME, Vol. III
"Ventura Highway"—AMERICA (1972) "Alligator lizards in the air…" Yikes! Doesn’t sound like any kind of highway I’d want to drive on—I think I’ll take the back roads when I finally do get out to Californy…
"Rockin’ Into The Night"--.38 SPECIAL (1980) "I ain’t no new messiah, but I’m close enough for Rock ‘N’ Roll." Huh? What’s one got to do with the other?
"Firehouse"—KISS (1974) "And the quicker you get sicker, she removes your medication…" Reminiscent of the Bon Jovi "Bad Medicine" lyric, this one contradicts all logic.
"Eve Of Destruction"--BARRY McGUIRE (1965) "Think of all the hate there is in Red China, then take a look around to Selma, Alabama..." Barry didn't write this, so it ain't his fault, but based on the rest of the song's rhyme scheme, there's a major FUBAR here—China and Alabama do NOT rhyme! China does rhyme with North or South Carolina, though. Just a guess, but I think this song's composer woke up on the wrong side of the bed the day he wrote it, and it sounded like McGuire sang it while he had a serious case of the shits! Again, that's just a guess...
It has been brought to my attention that the tone of my blog is decidely far too negative and that it's high time I said something positive for a change! Okey-fine, I aim to please, so I'll do it. Hmmm—okay, I'm drawing a blank here. Give me a few minutes, mmm-kay?.....
ROYALS FEVER—CATCH IT!
Being as the Stupor Bowl was last weekend, it can only mean one thing—pitchers and catchers report to spring training in a couple weeks! Ah yes, time to start thinking about beisbol season, and for 2007, the Kansas City Royals have unveiled their new slogan: "True. Blue. Tradition." Not bad, actually. Certainly better than the one they had in 1992, "Royals Baseball: It’s Here!" Still and all, I prefer my suggestion: "Kansas Shitty Royals Baseball: It Doesn’t Get Any Better Than This—EVER!" or my alternative: "Royals Baseball: Come On Out—Sit Anywhere You Want!"
In spite of the past few dismal seasons, I’m actually looking forward to the season here this year—there’s always hope that the Royals could emulate what Detroit did last season. We’re just as shitty as the Tigers were a couple years back, and they turned it around in a short time, so there's always hope.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #8
"You’re So Vain"—CARLY SIMON (1972) "I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee…", better known to me as "there were clowns in my coffee…" Better lay off that caffeine, Krusty!
A-HA! I GOT ONE, NOW!
I can state with great certainty that I am POSITIVE I am sure as hell NOT the father of Anna Nicole Smith's child! One of my favorite ZZ Top songs applies here: "I wouldn't touch it with a Ten Foot Pole..." Not even a 20-foot pole!
Speaking of the dearly-departed, a co-worker of mine claims she heard that there is suspicion that A.N.S.'s late son might well be the father of her infant child, thus why he offed himself last year. Not that I really care about any of this in the first place, but my response to that is, "EWWWW!" with a capital "EW"!
AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR...
Remember a few days back when I reported about K.C. Mayoral candidate Stan Glazer's proposed 50-story "observation wheel" for the Kansas City riverfront area? Well, one enterprising individual found a practical use for the damn thing after all....
By the way, I forgot to mention that ol' Stan used to be the owner of a couple local comedy clubs here, and I'm pretty sure that he smoked a joint or two with the likes of Pauly Shore, Carrot Top, and Bob Saget, so it ain't too hard to figure out where he gets his ideas from. This is almost as good as that episode of "Frasier" where the good Dr. Crane threw his support to the candidate who admitted to communicating with aliens. No wonder he so strongly supported the "little people!"WORLD'S DUMBEST SONG LYRICS OF ALL-TIME, Vol. III
"Ventura Highway"—AMERICA (1972) "Alligator lizards in the air…" Yikes! Doesn’t sound like any kind of highway I’d want to drive on—I think I’ll take the back roads when I finally do get out to Californy…
"Rockin’ Into The Night"--.38 SPECIAL (1980) "I ain’t no new messiah, but I’m close enough for Rock ‘N’ Roll." Huh? What’s one got to do with the other?
"Firehouse"—KISS (1974) "And the quicker you get sicker, she removes your medication…" Reminiscent of the Bon Jovi "Bad Medicine" lyric, this one contradicts all logic.
"Eve Of Destruction"--BARRY McGUIRE (1965) "Think of all the hate there is in Red China, then take a look around to Selma, Alabama..." Barry didn't write this, so it ain't his fault, but based on the rest of the song's rhyme scheme, there's a major FUBAR here—China and Alabama do NOT rhyme! China does rhyme with North or South Carolina, though. Just a guess, but I think this song's composer woke up on the wrong side of the bed the day he wrote it, and it sounded like McGuire sang it while he had a serious case of the shits! Again, that's just a guess...
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Even MORE unrelated things...
WE ALL KNOW THAT CRAP IS KING (REPRISE)
Not that I'm condoning any of this, but can you believe the absolute ratings bonanza the television media has already been bestowed with for this year's February sweeps? Between this whacked-out astronaut chick (or "Lust In Space", as Faux News Channel is already calling the story), Prince's so-called phallic symbol at the Super Bowl, the former NBA player who outed himself, and now the not-so-surprising death of Anna Nicole Smith, it's a veritable feast for every TV pundit, news hound and talk show host from Maine to Maui. Even our little boom-boom here in K.C. last night was a boon to local TV news outlets. What's scary is we're barely a quarter of the way through the month! At least I haven't had to hear anything about Terrell Owens for the last month or so...
DO ASK, DO TELL
Regarding John Amaechi, the former NBA player who has come out as being gay, pardon my cynicism here, but I just couldn't help but notice the timing of his little admission—just in time for the above-mentioned February sweeps. Think about it—he has a book to sell, and by coming out (both literally and figuratively) now, he's assured of getting booked on all the talk shows (Oprah, "Good Morning, America", Anderson Cooper, "Good Morning, Sacramento", Leno, "Good Morning, Chattanooga", Letterman, "Good Morning, Punxsutawney", ad nauseam), thus generating more publicity, thus translating to more book sales! Ain't America great? Meantime, I have one other question—did this guy actually play in the NBA? While I don't follow the NBA all that closely, I'm more than just a casual fan, and I can honestly say I'd never even heard of this guy until yesterday.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #7
"Dancing In The Moonlight"--KING HARVEST (1972) "Dancing in the moonlight/ Everybody's feelin' warm and bright..." I swear, it sounded to me like they were singing, "Everybody's feelin' a woman right..." which actually sounds like a damn good idea to me...
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
At the risk of sounding like an insensitive clod here, why am I not shocked by Anna Nicole Smith biting the big one today? Apart from losing one of my favorite punch lines, I can honestly say I am totally unmoved by her death. This White Trash whore was a member of this species of celebrity that I totally abhor—someone who is famous basically for merely being famous, and little else. I include the Hilton sisters, Carmen Electra, the Simpson sisters, Carson Daly, Kid Rock, Donald Trump and many others in this same category. It just astounds me why we make cultural icons out of losers like A.N.S. in our society. And who didn't see this coming, anyway? Her downward spiral was even more obvious than Kurt Cobain's was. And in either case, it's hard for me to care...
PLEASE—I'M BEGGING YOU! NOT ANOTHER ONE...
Speaking of cultural icons that I abhor, talk is rampant about a Borat movie sequel. The kicker here is that one Rupert Murdoch, aka "Mr. Truth, Justice and the Republican Way" is wanting to give his financial backing to the damn thing. Can you say "hypocrite"?
Not that I'm condoning any of this, but can you believe the absolute ratings bonanza the television media has already been bestowed with for this year's February sweeps? Between this whacked-out astronaut chick (or "Lust In Space", as Faux News Channel is already calling the story), Prince's so-called phallic symbol at the Super Bowl, the former NBA player who outed himself, and now the not-so-surprising death of Anna Nicole Smith, it's a veritable feast for every TV pundit, news hound and talk show host from Maine to Maui. Even our little boom-boom here in K.C. last night was a boon to local TV news outlets. What's scary is we're barely a quarter of the way through the month! At least I haven't had to hear anything about Terrell Owens for the last month or so...
DO ASK, DO TELL
Regarding John Amaechi, the former NBA player who has come out as being gay, pardon my cynicism here, but I just couldn't help but notice the timing of his little admission—just in time for the above-mentioned February sweeps. Think about it—he has a book to sell, and by coming out (both literally and figuratively) now, he's assured of getting booked on all the talk shows (Oprah, "Good Morning, America", Anderson Cooper, "Good Morning, Sacramento", Leno, "Good Morning, Chattanooga", Letterman, "Good Morning, Punxsutawney", ad nauseam), thus generating more publicity, thus translating to more book sales! Ain't America great? Meantime, I have one other question—did this guy actually play in the NBA? While I don't follow the NBA all that closely, I'm more than just a casual fan, and I can honestly say I'd never even heard of this guy until yesterday.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #7
"Dancing In The Moonlight"--KING HARVEST (1972) "Dancing in the moonlight/ Everybody's feelin' warm and bright..." I swear, it sounded to me like they were singing, "Everybody's feelin' a woman right..." which actually sounds like a damn good idea to me...
MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
At the risk of sounding like an insensitive clod here, why am I not shocked by Anna Nicole Smith biting the big one today? Apart from losing one of my favorite punch lines, I can honestly say I am totally unmoved by her death. This White Trash whore was a member of this species of celebrity that I totally abhor—someone who is famous basically for merely being famous, and little else. I include the Hilton sisters, Carmen Electra, the Simpson sisters, Carson Daly, Kid Rock, Donald Trump and many others in this same category. It just astounds me why we make cultural icons out of losers like A.N.S. in our society. And who didn't see this coming, anyway? Her downward spiral was even more obvious than Kurt Cobain's was. And in either case, it's hard for me to care...
PLEASE—I'M BEGGING YOU! NOT ANOTHER ONE...
Speaking of cultural icons that I abhor, talk is rampant about a Borat movie sequel. The kicker here is that one Rupert Murdoch, aka "Mr. Truth, Justice and the Republican Way" is wanting to give his financial backing to the damn thing. Can you say "hypocrite"?
What's in a name?
TOP 10 BEST SPORTS TEAM NAMES OF ALL-TIME
(In honor of Fred Sanford’s fictional roller derby faves, the San Diego Sapsuckers and Tulsa Titwillows!)
(In honor of Fred Sanford’s fictional roller derby faves, the San Diego Sapsuckers and Tulsa Titwillows!)
1) Macon (Ga.) Whoopee (minor league hockey)
2) Lansing Lug Nuts (minor league baseball) Go Nuts!!
3) Albany River Rats (minor league hockey) Great nickname and really cool logo too. (See photo)
2) Lansing Lug Nuts (minor league baseball) Go Nuts!!
3) Albany River Rats (minor league hockey) Great nickname and really cool logo too. (See photo)
4) Oklahoma City Slickers (outdoor soccer, early ‘80s)
5) Albuquerque Isotopes (minor league baseball)Absolutely brilliant idea—if you can't beat 'em, nuke 'em!
6) New Orleans Voodoo (Arena Football League)
7) San Antonio Gunslingers (United States Football League)
8) Pittsburgh Condors (American Basketball Association)
9) San Diego Conquistadors (American Basketball Association) This one was a mouthful, but very cool. All the sportswriters of that day shortened it to "Q’s".
10) South Carolina Gamecocks (NCAA) It sure takes some balls to have a nickname like that!
5) Albuquerque Isotopes (minor league baseball)Absolutely brilliant idea—if you can't beat 'em, nuke 'em!
6) New Orleans Voodoo (Arena Football League)
7) San Antonio Gunslingers (United States Football League)
8) Pittsburgh Condors (American Basketball Association)
9) San Diego Conquistadors (American Basketball Association) This one was a mouthful, but very cool. All the sportswriters of that day shortened it to "Q’s".
10) South Carolina Gamecocks (NCAA) It sure takes some balls to have a nickname like that!
AND THE BOTTOM 10 SPORTS TEAM NAMES OF ALL-TIME:
1) Houston Texans (NFL)/Dallas Texans (AFL) Real clever. Zzzzz!
2) Utah Jazz (NBA) Yes, they have such a great Jazz heritage in Osmond-Land!
3) The Floridians (American Basketball Association)/The Hawaiians (World Football League) Not unlike Texans, naming a team after natives of a state is pretty darned uninspired.
4) FC Dallas/D.C. United/Real Salt Lake/Toronto FC (Major League Soccer) Pretty hokey how these American soccer teams try to sound all European just to impress the World Cup crowd.
5) Philadelphia Bell (World Football League) Sounded pretty dingy to me…
6) Los Angeles Lakers (NBA) Minneapolis Lakers was fitting—L.A. Lakers ain’t.
7) Kansas City Wiz (Major League Soccer) You gotta go!!! They wisely changed it to Wizards after one season.
8) Florida Marlins (MLB) Should’ve been the Miami Marlins—sounds cooler that way. Florida Marlins sounds too much like Florida Evans from "Good Times".
9) Dallas Burn (Major League Soccer) A game between the Wiz and Burn was a real pisser!
10) Memphis Tams (American Basketball Association) T-A-M-s was meant to honor the region of Tennessee-Arkansas-Mississippi, but their logo was that sissy-looking hat—weak!
1) Houston Texans (NFL)/Dallas Texans (AFL) Real clever. Zzzzz!
2) Utah Jazz (NBA) Yes, they have such a great Jazz heritage in Osmond-Land!
3) The Floridians (American Basketball Association)/The Hawaiians (World Football League) Not unlike Texans, naming a team after natives of a state is pretty darned uninspired.
4) FC Dallas/D.C. United/Real Salt Lake/Toronto FC (Major League Soccer) Pretty hokey how these American soccer teams try to sound all European just to impress the World Cup crowd.
5) Philadelphia Bell (World Football League) Sounded pretty dingy to me…
6) Los Angeles Lakers (NBA) Minneapolis Lakers was fitting—L.A. Lakers ain’t.
7) Kansas City Wiz (Major League Soccer) You gotta go!!! They wisely changed it to Wizards after one season.
8) Florida Marlins (MLB) Should’ve been the Miami Marlins—sounds cooler that way. Florida Marlins sounds too much like Florida Evans from "Good Times".
9) Dallas Burn (Major League Soccer) A game between the Wiz and Burn was a real pisser!
10) Memphis Tams (American Basketball Association) T-A-M-s was meant to honor the region of Tennessee-Arkansas-Mississippi, but their logo was that sissy-looking hat—weak!
Great Moments In Radio, Vol. V
One of my favorite radio stories is all about a guy named "Easy" Earl Harris, who replaced me as the part-time overnight weekend guy when I went full-time at KKJO in St. Joseph in the Fall of ‘88. Earl—a black man—was, to put it bluntly, the station's token minority hire to keep the FCC off its back when affirmative action was becoming very prevalent. How else do you explain why they would hire someone with absolutely no professional experience on the radio? This was pretty evident upon his arrival, because Earl was greener than Shrek on the air. You see, the "Easy One" came to us from that vaunted institution, the Columbia School of Broadcasting, where basically all they do is teach their students how to read Public Service Announcements and talk like a robot. They don’t train people on actual radio equipment there, so when Earl arrived, he was totally lost trying to run the control board, let alone while speaking on the air. He did have three things going for him, though—a wonderful bass-baritone voice (think Barry White), an eagerness to learn, and he was one of the nicest human beings you’ll ever meet. However, Earl’s first few weekends on the air were—putting it kindly—an adventure, and the rest of us at the station didn’t think he had a hope in hell of succeeding in radio.
About 95% of the time, the first word out of Earl’s mouth after a song was "Alright!", and sometimes when he was really excited, you’d get TWO "Alright!"s in a row—it took us a while to break him of that habit, as well as his constant stream of "Uhhhh"s. His delivery at first was very stiff and deadpan, and dead air was often a staple of Earl’s air shifts, as he wasn’t the speediest learner in the world on how to work the equipment. Another disadvantage for Earl was his unfamiliarity with the music he was playing. I nearly wrecked my car one night while listening to him call the Beach Boys "Herman’s Hermits", and it got even funnier when we changed from Oldies to Top 40—instead of sounding out the letters in R.E.O. Speedwagon, he called them "Reo" Speedwagon, and Lita Ford became "Light-a" Ford. Fortunately, I headed Earl off at the pass before AC/DC became "Ack/Dick", and I eventually wrote out some phonetic pronunciations for him to get by with.
Once Earl got more comfortable with the control board, he began to loosen up and have fun with his on-air style. He would crack me and the other jocks up with sayings like "We’ll be kickin’ and stickin’ all night long on K-JO!" and referring to himself as the "Prince Of Darkness" (referring to his air shift, not his race) until management told him tone down his "Black-ness". Earl also kept saying things like "It’s 52 degrees right now here at the KKJO Patio." I didn't have a clue what he was referring to—we didn’t have a patio! One night I asked him what he was talking about, and he pointed to this decorative trellis-like thing just below our second-floor studio window that hovered over this little porch—to Earl, that was the KKJO Patio! Oh well, it did rhyme...
This story has a happy ending, too. As time went on, Earl really applied himself on the air and got better and better, both technically and vocally. As fate would have it, my departure wound up being his big break, as they made him the full-time overnight jock when I left. After several years at K-JO, Earl landed on his feet in the late ‘90s at Hot 103 Jamz, the big-time R&B/Hip-Hop station in K.C. One day circa. 1998 when I was working at St. Luke’s Hospital, we had 103 on the radio (most of my colleagues at the time were black), and Earl was on the air. I even wasn’t aware at the time that he’d left St. Joseph, and I was like, "No way—it can’t be…" I couldn’t get over how slick, polished and confident the man sounded on the air—a far cry from the "Alright, alright!" days. Hell, he was light years better than I ever was as DJ, and I was so proud of Earl. He was even allowed to use "kickin’ and stickin’" all he wanted to!
I've lost track of Easy Earl since then, so I don’t know where he’s at on the dial these days. Earl, my man, if you're reading this, wherever you are out there, ya done good! Gimme a buzz sometime and let’s get together and have a beer or two. And, long live the KKJO Patio!
About 95% of the time, the first word out of Earl’s mouth after a song was "Alright!", and sometimes when he was really excited, you’d get TWO "Alright!"s in a row—it took us a while to break him of that habit, as well as his constant stream of "Uhhhh"s. His delivery at first was very stiff and deadpan, and dead air was often a staple of Earl’s air shifts, as he wasn’t the speediest learner in the world on how to work the equipment. Another disadvantage for Earl was his unfamiliarity with the music he was playing. I nearly wrecked my car one night while listening to him call the Beach Boys "Herman’s Hermits", and it got even funnier when we changed from Oldies to Top 40—instead of sounding out the letters in R.E.O. Speedwagon, he called them "Reo" Speedwagon, and Lita Ford became "Light-a" Ford. Fortunately, I headed Earl off at the pass before AC/DC became "Ack/Dick", and I eventually wrote out some phonetic pronunciations for him to get by with.
Once Earl got more comfortable with the control board, he began to loosen up and have fun with his on-air style. He would crack me and the other jocks up with sayings like "We’ll be kickin’ and stickin’ all night long on K-JO!" and referring to himself as the "Prince Of Darkness" (referring to his air shift, not his race) until management told him tone down his "Black-ness". Earl also kept saying things like "It’s 52 degrees right now here at the KKJO Patio." I didn't have a clue what he was referring to—we didn’t have a patio! One night I asked him what he was talking about, and he pointed to this decorative trellis-like thing just below our second-floor studio window that hovered over this little porch—to Earl, that was the KKJO Patio! Oh well, it did rhyme...
This story has a happy ending, too. As time went on, Earl really applied himself on the air and got better and better, both technically and vocally. As fate would have it, my departure wound up being his big break, as they made him the full-time overnight jock when I left. After several years at K-JO, Earl landed on his feet in the late ‘90s at Hot 103 Jamz, the big-time R&B/Hip-Hop station in K.C. One day circa. 1998 when I was working at St. Luke’s Hospital, we had 103 on the radio (most of my colleagues at the time were black), and Earl was on the air. I even wasn’t aware at the time that he’d left St. Joseph, and I was like, "No way—it can’t be…" I couldn’t get over how slick, polished and confident the man sounded on the air—a far cry from the "Alright, alright!" days. Hell, he was light years better than I ever was as DJ, and I was so proud of Earl. He was even allowed to use "kickin’ and stickin’" all he wanted to!
I've lost track of Easy Earl since then, so I don’t know where he’s at on the dial these days. Earl, my man, if you're reading this, wherever you are out there, ya done good! Gimme a buzz sometime and let’s get together and have a beer or two. And, long live the KKJO Patio!
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Great Moments In Radio, Vol. IV
This isn’t really a radio story, per se, but it happened during my stint in St. Joseph. On the night of November 26, 1988, my beloved ’87 Thunderbird and I had a rather unfortunate encounter with a deer on a dark highway outside of Joetown. This was the very same night my radar detector was stolen—see Great Moments In Radio, Vol. III—it was most definitely NOT my night! Luckily for me, the deer had the courtesy to fly up OVER the car after I hit him instead of coming straight through the windshield, or you most likely wouldn’t be reading this story. Anyway, when I put The Bird in the body shop, I needed some wheels to get to work. It was early December, so walking to work (at night) was not really an option, even though I only lived a couple miles from the radio station, so our manager offered me the use of the mighty KKJO News Car—a 1979 Chevy Chevette (or the Pontiac version of the same car, whatever they called it--I forget) that they no longer used for chasing news.
Let me tell you, my friends, I have driven in downtown Boston at the heart of evening rush hour, I have driven through the ghettos of Chicago, Detroit and St. Louis (sometimes even at night), I have driven up the side of Pike’s Peak and I have driven on ice and snow many a time, but I have NEVER been more terrified while at the wheel of a moving vehicle than the week I spent driving that piece of shit! There were two major challenges in operating that vehicle: 1) getting it to go, and 2) getting it to stop. The damn thing had trouble starting, and once you did get it running, it died about as often as Kenny on "South Park", and stopping the car was a whole other matter. I felt like Yosemite Sam every time I approached a red light: "Whoa, Camel! Whoa, Camel! Whooooooa, Camel!!!" I came real close to actually getting out of the car once and screaming at it, "When I say ‘whoa’, I MEEEEANNNN WHOA!!!" Come to think of it, the damn camel might’ve gotten me to work quicker—top speed in that car was about 30 MPH. My parking spot at my apartment was on a slope, and I had to place a brick under the back wheel of the car to prevent it from rolling down the street. Among its other problems, the heater didn’t work on those chilly nights (naturally), it reeked of gasoline all the time, and the windshield wipers were possessed by Satan.
I was never more happy to see my own car again than the day I picked up The Bird from the body shop. I never found out whatever happened to the KKJO News Car after I left Joetown. They might’ve had one of those take-a-sledge-hammer-to-it for charity things at the station, or maybe they pushed it off a cliff or something—pushing it was certainly safer than driving it!
Let me tell you, my friends, I have driven in downtown Boston at the heart of evening rush hour, I have driven through the ghettos of Chicago, Detroit and St. Louis (sometimes even at night), I have driven up the side of Pike’s Peak and I have driven on ice and snow many a time, but I have NEVER been more terrified while at the wheel of a moving vehicle than the week I spent driving that piece of shit! There were two major challenges in operating that vehicle: 1) getting it to go, and 2) getting it to stop. The damn thing had trouble starting, and once you did get it running, it died about as often as Kenny on "South Park", and stopping the car was a whole other matter. I felt like Yosemite Sam every time I approached a red light: "Whoa, Camel! Whoa, Camel! Whooooooa, Camel!!!" I came real close to actually getting out of the car once and screaming at it, "When I say ‘whoa’, I MEEEEANNNN WHOA!!!" Come to think of it, the damn camel might’ve gotten me to work quicker—top speed in that car was about 30 MPH. My parking spot at my apartment was on a slope, and I had to place a brick under the back wheel of the car to prevent it from rolling down the street. Among its other problems, the heater didn’t work on those chilly nights (naturally), it reeked of gasoline all the time, and the windshield wipers were possessed by Satan.
I was never more happy to see my own car again than the day I picked up The Bird from the body shop. I never found out whatever happened to the KKJO News Car after I left Joetown. They might’ve had one of those take-a-sledge-hammer-to-it for charity things at the station, or maybe they pushed it off a cliff or something—pushing it was certainly safer than driving it!
More unrelated things
WE ALL KNOW THAT CRAP IS KING…
Step right up, folks, the psycho circus is back in town! The TV news media people have already taken to this diaper-wearing-astronaut-charged-with-attempted-murder-story like arsonists to a burning building. The National Enquirer couldn’t even dream stuff up like this, and what perfect timing for all the news channels—it’s the February sweeps! Mark my words, the media coverage of this thing will dwarf the runaway bride, Terry Schiavo and Natalee Holloway combined! And I’m sure the ever-opportunistic Oprah will book this astronaut gal on her show the first chance she gets, the same way she pounced on (and exploited) that kidnapped kid from Missouri. Strap yourselves in, folks—this is going to be a loooong month…
While I’m on the news media, Faux News Channel was making a fairly sizeable stink today about some woman who is being hassled by her neighborhood association for flying an "unauthorized" flag along with her American flag on her house to honor her fallen son who died in Iraq. My condolences on the latter part, but the mistake she made in the first place was joining a neighborhood association. I would never EVER allow my neighbors to have say-so on what I can and can’t do with my property! But I’m sure Bill O’Reilly will get right to the bottom of all this and straighten it out, and all will be right (pun intended) in their little world.
I’m not being too cynical for you, am I?
WHEEL! OF! BOREDOM!
Current K.C. mayoral candidate/nut-job Stan Glazer has proposed the construction of a 50-story $100 million "observation wheel" as a way to revive our moribund riverfront area. According to Glazer, this ferris wheel-type thing—which he’s not quite sure how to pay for just yet—will attract over two million riders every year, to the point where "the St. Louis Arch won’t touch this!" Riiiight. What exactly will people "observe" while they ride this contraption? All the crime taking place below in the neighborhood it’ll be facing? How dirty the Missouri River looks from above? Gridlock on the Paseo Bridge? The carcass of the chemical plant that's burning as I type this? You’re right, Stan, the Gateway Arch (the coolest man-made thing on earth, in my humble opinion) couldn’t touch this because it wouldn’t want to!
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #6
"Message In A Bottle"—THE POLICE (1980) "A year has passed since I wrote my note…" translated to me as "A year has passed since I broke my nose."
CULINARY ARTS, 101
Was reading a coupon in the paper today for Col. Sanders for a deal that included four "baked" biscuits with the chicken bucket. Call me crazy, but is there any other way to cook biscuits?
RUN (OR BREAK) LIKE THE WIND, AL!
"Comedian" Al Franken announced he’s running for Senate. I’ll be damned—It took the som-bitch almost 30 years, but he finally said something that made me laugh!
SPEAKING OF "COMEDIANS"…
During the Super Bowl, CBS kept hyping its new sitcom "Rules of Engagement" starring David Spade. I repeat—"Starring David Spade." That phrase alone should be a red flag! How on earth does this snarky, no-talent yutz continue to get work? On the funny scale, I’d put him in the same category as Michael Richards and Andy Dick—about as funny as a canker sore or maybe crib death...
Step right up, folks, the psycho circus is back in town! The TV news media people have already taken to this diaper-wearing-astronaut-charged-with-attempted-murder-story like arsonists to a burning building. The National Enquirer couldn’t even dream stuff up like this, and what perfect timing for all the news channels—it’s the February sweeps! Mark my words, the media coverage of this thing will dwarf the runaway bride, Terry Schiavo and Natalee Holloway combined! And I’m sure the ever-opportunistic Oprah will book this astronaut gal on her show the first chance she gets, the same way she pounced on (and exploited) that kidnapped kid from Missouri. Strap yourselves in, folks—this is going to be a loooong month…
While I’m on the news media, Faux News Channel was making a fairly sizeable stink today about some woman who is being hassled by her neighborhood association for flying an "unauthorized" flag along with her American flag on her house to honor her fallen son who died in Iraq. My condolences on the latter part, but the mistake she made in the first place was joining a neighborhood association. I would never EVER allow my neighbors to have say-so on what I can and can’t do with my property! But I’m sure Bill O’Reilly will get right to the bottom of all this and straighten it out, and all will be right (pun intended) in their little world.
I’m not being too cynical for you, am I?
WHEEL! OF! BOREDOM!
Current K.C. mayoral candidate/nut-job Stan Glazer has proposed the construction of a 50-story $100 million "observation wheel" as a way to revive our moribund riverfront area. According to Glazer, this ferris wheel-type thing—which he’s not quite sure how to pay for just yet—will attract over two million riders every year, to the point where "the St. Louis Arch won’t touch this!" Riiiight. What exactly will people "observe" while they ride this contraption? All the crime taking place below in the neighborhood it’ll be facing? How dirty the Missouri River looks from above? Gridlock on the Paseo Bridge? The carcass of the chemical plant that's burning as I type this? You’re right, Stan, the Gateway Arch (the coolest man-made thing on earth, in my humble opinion) couldn’t touch this because it wouldn’t want to!
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #6
"Message In A Bottle"—THE POLICE (1980) "A year has passed since I wrote my note…" translated to me as "A year has passed since I broke my nose."
CULINARY ARTS, 101
Was reading a coupon in the paper today for Col. Sanders for a deal that included four "baked" biscuits with the chicken bucket. Call me crazy, but is there any other way to cook biscuits?
RUN (OR BREAK) LIKE THE WIND, AL!
"Comedian" Al Franken announced he’s running for Senate. I’ll be damned—It took the som-bitch almost 30 years, but he finally said something that made me laugh!
SPEAKING OF "COMEDIANS"…
During the Super Bowl, CBS kept hyping its new sitcom "Rules of Engagement" starring David Spade. I repeat—"Starring David Spade." That phrase alone should be a red flag! How on earth does this snarky, no-talent yutz continue to get work? On the funny scale, I’d put him in the same category as Michael Richards and Andy Dick—about as funny as a canker sore or maybe crib death...
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Radio Ga-Ga, Part III
As promised, here is a semi-comprehensive collection of my observations about and opinions of the current state of terrestrial radio. Being a lifelong fan of this medium, it’s sad to watch it die a slow painful death like this, and I’m not sure what, if anything, can be done to revive it. I apologize in advance for the length here, but I most definitely have a few issues…
One thing I will never understand about radio is how the morning drive guy at a station often pulls in a six-figure salary, while the overnight DJ who precedes him barely gets paid over minimum wage to do the same job! Is this a case of sour grapes on my part? A little, I suppose, but does this make any sense to you? I’m not saying that the morning drive or afternoon drive people don’t deserve a little more compensation—after all, they’re the bread-winners for the station and pull in the most listeners and all—but the disparity between their salaries and the graveyard shift people and board operators is a joke to me. Hell, you can make more money being a greeter at Wal-Mart than you can as an overnight DJ on some stations. Throw me a fricken’ bone here…
I generally despise morning radio shows anyway, thus I’m a bit biased to begin with. My irritation threshold is much lower than that of most listeners, so take that for what it’s worth here, but there’s just way too much yapping and not enough music during my drive to work. I’m not that hard to please, really—just give me the latest news, tell me who won last night, tell me where the wrecks are, tell me what the weather’s going to do, maybe tell a joke or two, then shut up and play something! Rock stations are especially annoying because instead of music, all you basically get in the morning is talk radio, with maybe one or two songs thrown in so the jocks can field calls from a bunch of yahoos with cell phones making inane commentary. As bad as the local morning shows are, now the big trend is stations switching to nationally syndicated yakkers like the "Bob & Tom Show", and they’re downright pitiful. Ain’t nothing worse to me than unfunny morning radio people constantly laughing at their own jokes! And don’t even get me started on that lower form of species known as the Shock Jock—I have no use for human roach droppings like Howard Stern, Grease Man and Mancow Muller, et al. As you might imagine, my car CD player gets plenty of use in the mornings.
Call me Old School if you want, but I miss the good ol’ days when the music was the star, and you had DJs that who cared about what they were playing. Guys like Randy Raley, Joe McCabe and even Dick Wilson from the halcyon days of Classic Rock at KY-102 in K.C. are good examples—you could tell they were fans of the music and they were also much more analytical about the stuff they played then. Today, most jocks are either so jaded or so clueless about music that they could be playing a dial tone on the air, and they wouldn’t care.
Unfortunately, I live in what has to be one of the crappiest big-city radio markets in the country to begin with—I swear, Wichita and Omaha have better stations than what we have here. We only have four AM stations with decent signals that broadcast 24/7—the rest are all low-power and/or daytime-only stations that you practically have to sit directly under their transmitter to pick up. We have four all-sports stations here (and only TWO major league teams), none of which are particularly good, and one wastes a perfectly good FM signal for nothing. Ironically, I used to complain that there were too many Country stations in Kansas City, but now there are too many Rock stations, and none of them get it right! One plays nothing but current alterna-Rock crap, another plays almost nothing but Metallica and Nirvana, and the two "Classic Rock" stations are so bland, playing the same five Eagles songs, the same five Tom Petty songs and the same five Mellencamp songs, ad nauseam. The news/talk stations here—all two of ‘em—are both so anally conservative they make Pat Buchanan look like a flaming liberal, so there’s no variety in viewpoints at all. By the way, if the mainstream media is supposedly so liberal, then why is there this phalanx—not just here, but nationwide—of conservative talk shows all over the radio? Liberal media, my ass!
Another problem I have with radio stations today is how they sensationalize the routine stuff they do anyway to make it sound like a big deal. For instance, "Ten songs in a row, every hour!" That’s pretty much standard on practically every station, regardless of the format—except, of course, at the stations where the DJ can’t count that high. Or, "Nobody plays more Led Zeppelin than we do!"—they just forget to admit that it’s the same five Zep songs over and over ("Whole Lotta Love", "Stairway To Heaven", "Rock And Roll", "Fool In The Rain" and "Black Dog"). There’s a new trend now with stations trying to impress me by doing a "Lunch Time Shuffle" or "Shuffle Weekend", implying that they play more different stuff at random. Isn’t that what they should be doing, anyway? Back when I worked in radio, this was called "rotation"…
Then there’s the issue of "lost classic" songs. How do "lost classics" become lost in the first place? Because radio stations never play them! I’ve never understood why it always takes some special occasion for certain old songs to get airplay on Classic Rock stations, like some annual A-Z chronology or a "Lost Classics Weekend", or the request hour, etc. Granted, some songs don’t belong in the rotation quite as often as others, but couldn’t we forego a few spins of the Doobie Brothers’ (worn-out) classic "China Grove" in favor of "I Cheat The Hangman" or "Without You" now and then?
Thankfully, some stations still revere songs like these, like K-SHE 95 in St. Louis. I always make it a point to tune them in on Sunday mornings when I do road trips there because they have a show that features more obscure stuff that rarely gets played anymore. A good example is a song by Rick Derringer called "Don't Ever Say Goodbye" which I probably hadn’t heard in at least 20 years until a couple years back on K-SHE. They also played some oddball stuff from Manfred Mann and Little River Band that I’d never even heard before, and it was great! It’s not always that scintillating, but it’s still refreshing to hear something different in lieu of the same five Bob Seger songs, same five Kansas songs, same five Def Leppard songs, etc. What do these stations have to lose by going deeper into a group’s catalog of music, anyway? I find it hard to believe that a station is going to lose listeners by playing "Rock Brigade" now and then instead of "Pour Some Sugar On Me". If anything, I would think they would gain listeners who appreciate a little more variety within the format. As a major fan of The Who, I love "Won’t Get Fooled Again" and "Baba O’Riley" to death, but I don’t have to hear them every bleepin’ day on the radio, as Classic Rock stations seem to think I do. By all means, please feel free to play "Slip Kid" or "The Real Me" instead once in a while!
Oldies stations are just as bad, where it seems like you get nothing but Four Seasons, Motown and the Beach Boys 24/7. There’s nothing wrong with them at all, but they’re so worn out. Just once on an Oldies station, I’d love to hear "Indiana Wants Me" by R. Dean Taylor or "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace—hell, even some Osmonds or Carpenters songs would make my day on an Oldies station. I can’t really comment on Country or R&B stations since I rarely listen to them, but I get the impression that they suffer from the same blandness that Rock and Oldies stations do. You CANNOT convince me that listeners really want to hear the same blasted songs over and over again, even though that’s what radio station programmers, consultants and managers insist is true. If so, then why are so many people bagging terrestrial radio in favor of satellite radio now?
In conclusion, I’m beginning to wonder if what the late Freddie Mercury and Queen used to sing is still true: "Radio, someone still loves you…"
One thing I will never understand about radio is how the morning drive guy at a station often pulls in a six-figure salary, while the overnight DJ who precedes him barely gets paid over minimum wage to do the same job! Is this a case of sour grapes on my part? A little, I suppose, but does this make any sense to you? I’m not saying that the morning drive or afternoon drive people don’t deserve a little more compensation—after all, they’re the bread-winners for the station and pull in the most listeners and all—but the disparity between their salaries and the graveyard shift people and board operators is a joke to me. Hell, you can make more money being a greeter at Wal-Mart than you can as an overnight DJ on some stations. Throw me a fricken’ bone here…
I generally despise morning radio shows anyway, thus I’m a bit biased to begin with. My irritation threshold is much lower than that of most listeners, so take that for what it’s worth here, but there’s just way too much yapping and not enough music during my drive to work. I’m not that hard to please, really—just give me the latest news, tell me who won last night, tell me where the wrecks are, tell me what the weather’s going to do, maybe tell a joke or two, then shut up and play something! Rock stations are especially annoying because instead of music, all you basically get in the morning is talk radio, with maybe one or two songs thrown in so the jocks can field calls from a bunch of yahoos with cell phones making inane commentary. As bad as the local morning shows are, now the big trend is stations switching to nationally syndicated yakkers like the "Bob & Tom Show", and they’re downright pitiful. Ain’t nothing worse to me than unfunny morning radio people constantly laughing at their own jokes! And don’t even get me started on that lower form of species known as the Shock Jock—I have no use for human roach droppings like Howard Stern, Grease Man and Mancow Muller, et al. As you might imagine, my car CD player gets plenty of use in the mornings.
Call me Old School if you want, but I miss the good ol’ days when the music was the star, and you had DJs that who cared about what they were playing. Guys like Randy Raley, Joe McCabe and even Dick Wilson from the halcyon days of Classic Rock at KY-102 in K.C. are good examples—you could tell they were fans of the music and they were also much more analytical about the stuff they played then. Today, most jocks are either so jaded or so clueless about music that they could be playing a dial tone on the air, and they wouldn’t care.
Unfortunately, I live in what has to be one of the crappiest big-city radio markets in the country to begin with—I swear, Wichita and Omaha have better stations than what we have here. We only have four AM stations with decent signals that broadcast 24/7—the rest are all low-power and/or daytime-only stations that you practically have to sit directly under their transmitter to pick up. We have four all-sports stations here (and only TWO major league teams), none of which are particularly good, and one wastes a perfectly good FM signal for nothing. Ironically, I used to complain that there were too many Country stations in Kansas City, but now there are too many Rock stations, and none of them get it right! One plays nothing but current alterna-Rock crap, another plays almost nothing but Metallica and Nirvana, and the two "Classic Rock" stations are so bland, playing the same five Eagles songs, the same five Tom Petty songs and the same five Mellencamp songs, ad nauseam. The news/talk stations here—all two of ‘em—are both so anally conservative they make Pat Buchanan look like a flaming liberal, so there’s no variety in viewpoints at all. By the way, if the mainstream media is supposedly so liberal, then why is there this phalanx—not just here, but nationwide—of conservative talk shows all over the radio? Liberal media, my ass!
Another problem I have with radio stations today is how they sensationalize the routine stuff they do anyway to make it sound like a big deal. For instance, "Ten songs in a row, every hour!" That’s pretty much standard on practically every station, regardless of the format—except, of course, at the stations where the DJ can’t count that high. Or, "Nobody plays more Led Zeppelin than we do!"—they just forget to admit that it’s the same five Zep songs over and over ("Whole Lotta Love", "Stairway To Heaven", "Rock And Roll", "Fool In The Rain" and "Black Dog"). There’s a new trend now with stations trying to impress me by doing a "Lunch Time Shuffle" or "Shuffle Weekend", implying that they play more different stuff at random. Isn’t that what they should be doing, anyway? Back when I worked in radio, this was called "rotation"…
Then there’s the issue of "lost classic" songs. How do "lost classics" become lost in the first place? Because radio stations never play them! I’ve never understood why it always takes some special occasion for certain old songs to get airplay on Classic Rock stations, like some annual A-Z chronology or a "Lost Classics Weekend", or the request hour, etc. Granted, some songs don’t belong in the rotation quite as often as others, but couldn’t we forego a few spins of the Doobie Brothers’ (worn-out) classic "China Grove" in favor of "I Cheat The Hangman" or "Without You" now and then?
Thankfully, some stations still revere songs like these, like K-SHE 95 in St. Louis. I always make it a point to tune them in on Sunday mornings when I do road trips there because they have a show that features more obscure stuff that rarely gets played anymore. A good example is a song by Rick Derringer called "Don't Ever Say Goodbye" which I probably hadn’t heard in at least 20 years until a couple years back on K-SHE. They also played some oddball stuff from Manfred Mann and Little River Band that I’d never even heard before, and it was great! It’s not always that scintillating, but it’s still refreshing to hear something different in lieu of the same five Bob Seger songs, same five Kansas songs, same five Def Leppard songs, etc. What do these stations have to lose by going deeper into a group’s catalog of music, anyway? I find it hard to believe that a station is going to lose listeners by playing "Rock Brigade" now and then instead of "Pour Some Sugar On Me". If anything, I would think they would gain listeners who appreciate a little more variety within the format. As a major fan of The Who, I love "Won’t Get Fooled Again" and "Baba O’Riley" to death, but I don’t have to hear them every bleepin’ day on the radio, as Classic Rock stations seem to think I do. By all means, please feel free to play "Slip Kid" or "The Real Me" instead once in a while!
Oldies stations are just as bad, where it seems like you get nothing but Four Seasons, Motown and the Beach Boys 24/7. There’s nothing wrong with them at all, but they’re so worn out. Just once on an Oldies station, I’d love to hear "Indiana Wants Me" by R. Dean Taylor or "The Night Chicago Died" by Paper Lace—hell, even some Osmonds or Carpenters songs would make my day on an Oldies station. I can’t really comment on Country or R&B stations since I rarely listen to them, but I get the impression that they suffer from the same blandness that Rock and Oldies stations do. You CANNOT convince me that listeners really want to hear the same blasted songs over and over again, even though that’s what radio station programmers, consultants and managers insist is true. If so, then why are so many people bagging terrestrial radio in favor of satellite radio now?
In conclusion, I’m beginning to wonder if what the late Freddie Mercury and Queen used to sing is still true: "Radio, someone still loves you…"
Unrelated things
I GOT MY ANSWER
I posed the question back on Super Bowl Sunday, "Why does he (Prince) insist on playing that faggy-looking guitar?" Well, I wasn't paying attention throughout his entire halftime performance, and I must have been in the toilet during the part where he went behind that big screen that silhouetted him while he strategically placed said faggy-looking guitar to make it look like a big phallic symbol. Oh, that nutty Prince! Looks like he could've used some Enzyte, though...
YEAH, SURE, UH-HUH, WHATEVER YOU SAY...
That disgraced minister from Colorado who admitted being gay, the Rev. Ted Haggard, now claims he's "completely heterosexual" after just three weeks of "intensive counseling". Yeah right, now tell me that one again about how the Holocaust never really happened. Oh yeah, I hear Elvis is still alive too...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #5
"Still The Same"—BOB SEGER (1978) "You’re still the same—you still aim high." I always thought Brother Bob was going for a drug reference here: "You still ain’t high!"
T.V. COMMERCIALS FOR DUMMIES, 101
Who is the simpleton who writes these dopey Enterprise Rent-A-Car TV ads? First, there was our good friend Biff going to his high school reunion in style in one of their cars. Now there's the desperate soccer mom on the phone saying, "Hi, Enterprise? I'm here at the repair shop, and I need to rent a car..." and just in case you possibly miss the point, there's a large banner behind the whole scene that says "REPAIR SHOP". Yup, she's at the repair shop, alright...
WEATHER...OR NOT!
Awoke today to temps. in the low teens, but by the time I got off work, it was in the low '50s here. I actually managed to get in a two-mile exercise walk and wash my car tonight! I'm still not buying into the Global Warming thing, though...
I posed the question back on Super Bowl Sunday, "Why does he (Prince) insist on playing that faggy-looking guitar?" Well, I wasn't paying attention throughout his entire halftime performance, and I must have been in the toilet during the part where he went behind that big screen that silhouetted him while he strategically placed said faggy-looking guitar to make it look like a big phallic symbol. Oh, that nutty Prince! Looks like he could've used some Enzyte, though...
YEAH, SURE, UH-HUH, WHATEVER YOU SAY...
That disgraced minister from Colorado who admitted being gay, the Rev. Ted Haggard, now claims he's "completely heterosexual" after just three weeks of "intensive counseling". Yeah right, now tell me that one again about how the Holocaust never really happened. Oh yeah, I hear Elvis is still alive too...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #5
"Still The Same"—BOB SEGER (1978) "You’re still the same—you still aim high." I always thought Brother Bob was going for a drug reference here: "You still ain’t high!"
T.V. COMMERCIALS FOR DUMMIES, 101
Who is the simpleton who writes these dopey Enterprise Rent-A-Car TV ads? First, there was our good friend Biff going to his high school reunion in style in one of their cars. Now there's the desperate soccer mom on the phone saying, "Hi, Enterprise? I'm here at the repair shop, and I need to rent a car..." and just in case you possibly miss the point, there's a large banner behind the whole scene that says "REPAIR SHOP". Yup, she's at the repair shop, alright...
WEATHER...OR NOT!
Awoke today to temps. in the low teens, but by the time I got off work, it was in the low '50s here. I actually managed to get in a two-mile exercise walk and wash my car tonight! I'm still not buying into the Global Warming thing, though...
Monday, February 5, 2007
Shark Jumping 105
Put on your bell bottoms and hop aboard the Way Back Machine for some JumpTheShark moments with two iconic '70s sitcoms, "The Partridge Family" and "The Brady Bunch". Come on, get happy with me here...
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY
—David Cassidy once commented that he found it highly amusing in the show that Reuben was always getting these "toilets" for the group to perform in, and yet they were supposedly "big stars".
—When that creepy kid next door, Ricky, got five minutes at the end of every episode to sing a song, and everybody stood around smiling at him…
—I’ve always thought a trained monkey could keep better time on a tambourine than that under-animated Raggedy Ann doll (Tracy), and could probably also be trained to smile once in a while.
—The red-haired girl…she absolutely could not act!!! The least they could train her to do was to say a line with expression and hit a tambourine properly…
—Apparently, the powers-that-be decided that the two-head ‘chrisandtracy’ character (notice they were never seen apart after the second season) were no longer cute and appealing, so they brought in Ricky. It’s kinda hard to be cute or appealing when your total involvement with an episode encompasses saying “Bye, Mom” as you leave for school and looking bored while pretending to play instruments and lip-synching to baritone voices. They should have dumped Ricky (though his mom was a hoot) and given the younger kids something to do.
—What did the casting call require (re: Ricky)? “Must have hair of Schlep Rock; must have voice of a crashing oil tanker; Must be able to sit on a stool; Must be able to upstage Tracy and Chris’s fabulous ability to stare; Must be able to fit in a bread box!”
—Anyone ever notice how it seemed like the Partridge Family were always playing venues like hotel ballrooms and convention halls for mostly middle-aged and elderly audiences? These folks always looked like they were there to see Jerry Vale or Jim Nabors instead of a pop group. I watched this show when I was seven, and even then the PF always seemed very out-of-place to me when they played for the Lawrence Welk/Geritol generation!
THE BRADY BUNCH
—I agree with everyone who said Oliver!! God, what an annoying little brat! The equivalent of Seven on “Married With Children!!”
—This show definitely jumped when that snot-nosed John Denver look-alike entered the picture.
—Oliver…Who really thought this kid was cute? He couldn’t sing, dance, or most importantly, act. His only attributes were a voice you could grate cheese with and an excuse to throw a pie into someone’s face…
—But my all-time beef was with Carol. She had to be the most useless, lazy-ass I’ve ever seen. She didn’t work, didn’t cook, never did laundry and made a big deal out of carrying a few shopping bags in the house.
—As for the controversy about Robert Reed’s private life, it should have been obvious from the very beginning just by listening to the theme song: “He was busy with three boys of his own…they were four men living all together, and they were ALL ALONE”
—I think it jumped when the boys mowed Astroturf. Why the hell would you put Astroturf in your back yard? Don’t they know that you get injured on turf more than you do on grass? Idiots!
THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY
—David Cassidy once commented that he found it highly amusing in the show that Reuben was always getting these "toilets" for the group to perform in, and yet they were supposedly "big stars".
—When that creepy kid next door, Ricky, got five minutes at the end of every episode to sing a song, and everybody stood around smiling at him…
—I’ve always thought a trained monkey could keep better time on a tambourine than that under-animated Raggedy Ann doll (Tracy), and could probably also be trained to smile once in a while.
—The red-haired girl…she absolutely could not act!!! The least they could train her to do was to say a line with expression and hit a tambourine properly…
—Apparently, the powers-that-be decided that the two-head ‘chrisandtracy’ character (notice they were never seen apart after the second season) were no longer cute and appealing, so they brought in Ricky. It’s kinda hard to be cute or appealing when your total involvement with an episode encompasses saying “Bye, Mom” as you leave for school and looking bored while pretending to play instruments and lip-synching to baritone voices. They should have dumped Ricky (though his mom was a hoot) and given the younger kids something to do.
—What did the casting call require (re: Ricky)? “Must have hair of Schlep Rock; must have voice of a crashing oil tanker; Must be able to sit on a stool; Must be able to upstage Tracy and Chris’s fabulous ability to stare; Must be able to fit in a bread box!”
—Anyone ever notice how it seemed like the Partridge Family were always playing venues like hotel ballrooms and convention halls for mostly middle-aged and elderly audiences? These folks always looked like they were there to see Jerry Vale or Jim Nabors instead of a pop group. I watched this show when I was seven, and even then the PF always seemed very out-of-place to me when they played for the Lawrence Welk/Geritol generation!
THE BRADY BUNCH
—I agree with everyone who said Oliver!! God, what an annoying little brat! The equivalent of Seven on “Married With Children!!”
—This show definitely jumped when that snot-nosed John Denver look-alike entered the picture.
—Oliver…Who really thought this kid was cute? He couldn’t sing, dance, or most importantly, act. His only attributes were a voice you could grate cheese with and an excuse to throw a pie into someone’s face…
—But my all-time beef was with Carol. She had to be the most useless, lazy-ass I’ve ever seen. She didn’t work, didn’t cook, never did laundry and made a big deal out of carrying a few shopping bags in the house.
—As for the controversy about Robert Reed’s private life, it should have been obvious from the very beginning just by listening to the theme song: “He was busy with three boys of his own…they were four men living all together, and they were ALL ALONE”
—I think it jumped when the boys mowed Astroturf. Why the hell would you put Astroturf in your back yard? Don’t they know that you get injured on turf more than you do on grass? Idiots!
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Maybe like Peyton Manning's team, maybe...
It's a holiday—at least for me, it is! Super Bowl Sunday always beats the crap out of Christmas, in my book...
—I loved the fact that it rained throughout the game today—this is football, not opera!
—Why did Prince opt to go with the Aunt Jemima look for his halftime appearance? And why does he insist on playing that faggy-looking guitar?
—Best commercial goes to Budweiser, as usual—the one with the Dalmatian who wasn't a Dalmatian to begin with, to the tune of Dean Martin's "Ain't That A Kick In The Head?"
—And finally, a HEARTY congratulations to coach Tony Dungy, QB Peyton Manning, WR "Starvin'" Marvin Harrison, WR "Stately Wayne Manor" Reggie Wayne, and the rest of the Indianapolis Colts for getting over the hump and winning it all! The good people of Indy are most deserving, as are the above-mentioned gentlemen. Well done, gents, well done! Just a guess here, but I bet former Colt Edgerrin James is about to eat his jockstrap down in Phoenix right about now...
Just a few observations, if you please:
—This is my 38th-straight Super Bowl viewed live (at least in part) as it happened. I only missed the first three, as I was too young to remember...
—Ain't it just a tad warped that the Super Bowl pre-game show lasts longer than the game itself?
—I couldn't help but chuckle at Katie Couric during her needless appearance on the pre-game show. In a shameless—yet predictable—act of self-promotion, CBS just had to bring her in to introduce some fluff piece, and Katie's hair got un-poofed by the rain, thus rendering her looking more like Carrot Top with dishwater-blonde hair!
—The in-stadium pre-game performance by Cirque du Soleil was downright bizarre—what, the Blue Man Group wasn't available? Arty-farty!
—Best commercial goes to Budweiser, as usual—the one with the Dalmatian who wasn't a Dalmatian to begin with, to the tune of Dean Martin's "Ain't That A Kick In The Head?"
—And finally, a HEARTY congratulations to coach Tony Dungy, QB Peyton Manning, WR "Starvin'" Marvin Harrison, WR "Stately Wayne Manor" Reggie Wayne, and the rest of the Indianapolis Colts for getting over the hump and winning it all! The good people of Indy are most deserving, as are the above-mentioned gentlemen. Well done, gents, well done! Just a guess here, but I bet former Colt Edgerrin James is about to eat his jockstrap down in Phoenix right about now...—Not sure if this is a coincidence or not, but Super Bowl XLI MVP P. Manning was my QB on my fantasy football team this past season for the first time. Yup, I'm sure that's what got the simian off his back...
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