Good ol’ Larry Flynt used to have a monthly feature in Hustler magazine called “Asshole Of The Month”, and often the recipients of said accolade (mostly politicians and right-wing dickheads) were truly deserving, and I think it’s appropriate to revive this little tradition in year-end style, so please kick back, my dear friends, and enjoy yours truly’s salute to those who fucked up colossally in 2007:
30) Ted Nugent: An ex-idol of mine. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: I used to idolize you, ya big-mouth douche! And to paraphrase Dr. Sardonicus, after your diatribes on Hillary and Obama, I don’t want to hear no more about the Dixie Chicks, you friggin’ has-been...
29) Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell: These two publicity mongers deserve each other. I still say they should duke it out on “Celebrity Death Match”. My money’s on Rosie…
28) Steven A. Smith: At the risk of sounding racist here, I’ve grown real weary of this guy’s shuck-and-jive Angry Black Man routine on ESPN. Shaddup, already, you pompous ass!
27) O.J. Simpson: Forever on a personal quest to prove what a dickweed he is. Congrats, Juice—you’re headin’ for the big house, now!
26) John Mellencamp: Empty-headed hick Springsteen wanna-be whom I’ve loathed for lo, these many years, and he even sold his soul to GM with his "This Is Our Country" schlock, to boot. Will be inducted into the Crock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame next year. Oh, joy!
25) Katie Horner: Local over-zealous TV weather tart/alarmist who chronically disrupts CBS programming at every sighting of a dark cloud within 100 miles of Kansas City. She actually encouraged viewers to wear bicycle helmets whilst riding out a tornado in their storm cellars last Spring!
24) Al Gore: Actual President-elect of 2000 who now milks his newfound adulation as pre-eminent Global Warming pointer-outer to death (while cruising around in his gas-guzzling stretch limo, natch).
23) Kid Rock: I’m still trying to figure out why people pay good money to see this no-talent poser (in a hat) perform in concert—this clown is this generation’s Vanilla Ice! Has been involved in more fights this year than a NARC at a Hell's Angels rally.
22) Bill Belichick: Yes, this guy is a brilliant football coach. Sadly, he has all the people skills of Charles Manson…
21) Rev. Jerry Falwell: In his final year of eligibility I feel compelled to include Mr. “Give all your money to the church and solve your debt problems” once more for old time’s sake.
20) Nancy Grace: Sneering, helmet-haired self-appointed judge and jury be-yatch who holds court on CNN every night. She may well have been personally responsible for the suicide death of a woman she interrogated on her show earlier this year, but shows less remorse than C. Manson ever has...
19) David Beckham: The farce to end all farces! Major League Soccer prostituted itself around and sold its credibility right down the river by signing this overrated wanker to a mega-million $$ contract, just so he could play in five whole games for the Los Angeles Galaxy. True, the media circus that followed him around wasn’t all his fault, but I’m sorry—nobody’s that good!
18) Adam “Pacman” Jones: First-class moron NFL player known for his numerous run-ins with the law, the most infamous of which left a Las Vegas titty bar bouncer paralyzed following gunfire instigated by a member of Pacman’s entourage earlier this year.
17) Jason Whitlock: Ever-flatulent Kansas City Star sports columnist and self-appointed avatar of racial issues in the wake of the who Don Imus flap. A man who regularly uses the terms “hoes” and “pimp-slap” in his columns…
16) Clay Chastain: Those of you outside of Kansas City won’t know who he is, but he’s become a major nuisance to me. Chastain is a very vocal advocate for a light-rail mass transit system in K.C.—which I’m all for, actually. My problem with this guy is that he lives in Virginia, yet he thinks he has the right to tell our city what to do with its money! Move your sorry ass back here, Clay, and I’ll take you more seriously…
15) Rev. Pat Robertson: Looks like this dickhead will have to carry on without his tag-team partner Falwell now, but fear not, dear friends—I have no doubt ol’ Pat will continue to give religion a bad name until his dying day…
14) Britney Spears: Ain’t nothing worse than a tabloid-fodder celebrity who goes out of his/her way to draw attention to his/her flagging career. Do us all a big favor, Brit, and disappear quietly like Tiffany did about 20 years ago…
13) Don Imus: Happy Holidays, Don—as in “Hoe, Hoe, Hoe”! Just as I predicted, the asshole is back on the air already...
12) Rev. Al Sharpton/Rev. Jesse Jackson: Don’t you just wish these two publicity hounds would both be run over by a bus? Black people don’t even take them seriously as religious or civil rights leaders anymore…
11) Mike Nifong: Opportunistic D.A. who was bound and determined to send three innocent Duke lacrosse players to the pokey for his own political gain. Nice try, dumbass, but as Fred Sanford once said, “He who liveth by the sword shall be stucketh.” Still and all, I maintain that lacrosse is a faggot college activity!
10) Bud Selig: Commissioner Howdy Doody proved once again what a spineless leader he is by showing up to watch Bonds hit "#756", standing there with his hands in his pockets looking like a total Melvin. Should’ve been fired years ago…
9) Roger Clemens: This jagoff finally decided he wanted to pitch for the Yankees after the season was a third of the way over, which led to this utterly ridiculous moment of over-zealous hype. He signed a beyond-belief $28 zillion contract to merely go 6-6 with a 4.47 ERA. Truly earth-shattering! The Mitchell Report sez he did steroids, too—the Dickens you say!
8) Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho): This phony Republican fuckwad is on record voting for anti-Gay legislation at every turn, yet who was that foot-tapper in the john at the Minneapolis aeroport trolling for fudge packers earlier this year, hmmm? It certainly couldn’t have been this honorable Senator from the Spud State who uttered the phrase “I’m not gay!” more often than Mr. Garrison on “South Park”. Or could it? Oh, what a twit...
7) Michael Vick: No explanation needed here. Hope he enjoys his time in the pokey with his bitches (pun intended).
6) Michelle Malkin/Sean Hannity/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Geraldo Rivera/Jonah Goldberg/Dennis Miller: I know I’m being rather lazy here, but I’m lumping all these ultra-conservative Republican Party cheerleaders/pinhead pundits into one entry. Regular readers of this blog already know why...
5) Barry Bonds: Do I even need to elaborate? Arrogant steroid-taking horse’s ass with shriveled-up nads who now claims to be baseball’s Home Run King. Sorry, ass-wipe—Henry Louis Aaron is still the man, and you’re not one, and unlike you, my dick still works just fine...
4) The entire Oil Industry: These greedy fuckwads continue to reap record profits for two simple reasons: A) because they can, and B) no one’s trying to stop them.
3) George W. Bush/Dick Cheney: Pretty self-explanatory. They’re joined at the hip, therefore I count them as one entry.
2) Seung-Hui Cho (Virginia Tech gunman): This loser, combined with the Siamese twins in the #3 spot, are probably personally responsible for more death and mayhem than anyone else this year. I do understand how it feels to be disenfranchised and I do realize this Cho bastard was screwed-up to begin with and was picked on constantly during his youth, but that’s no excuse for being such a cold-blooded miscreant, and it‘s impossible for me to have any empathy for this fucker. Burn in hell, ass-wipe…
1) Rev. Fred Phelps/Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, KS: Most assholes don’t actually mean to be assholes—they just are. But then again, there are sub-humans like Rev. Fred and his inbred band of psychos (half of whom are lawyers) who go out of their way to be assholes by picketing/protesting the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers who died while indirectly defending these tick-turds’ collective Constitutional right to do so. I now pose the question once asked by Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P. in their 1985 song "I‘m Alive": “Tell me, what’s in it for you?…Damn you, Holy Man, alive…”
Saturday, December 22, 2007
"Dashing through the snow..."
"…in an ‘03 Cavalier…Four more years to go, and I’ll own it free and clear!”
GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!!
For the third straight Saturday, we’re having what the Weather Channel people might call a “Winter Weather Event” here in K.C. It started off as just plain rain, then freezing rain, then sleet and now the snow is blowing horizontally in the lovely 25-35 MPH winds out of the northwest. Luckily, I managed to get the bulk of my Christmas shopping done this morning before this little Norwester hit town.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE…
Explain this to me, please—what is this obsession some people have with wearing shorts? While doing my shopping today, I encountered two different people at Target strolling around in shorts. Nothing wrong with that, but if you’ll read my weather report above, you’ll note that today was not exactly balmy in the great outdoors! And I’m not talking about kids who don’t know any better, but grown adults here. Maybe it’s just because I get cold relatively easy, but I don’t get why you’d wear shorts like it was the 4th of July while doing your Christmas shopping. Same goes for women who wear skirts and no hose this time of year—ain’t that just a tad drafty?
HYPOCRISY, THE CONTINUING SAGA
Seems that there was a new book about parenting due to hit the stands. Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is the memoir of one Lynne Spears, mother of singer/nutbag Britney Spears and actress Jamie Lynn Spears. The book was slated to come out on May 11th next year—Mother’s Day, naturally—but her publisher is delaying the release indefinitely after this week’s revelation that little Jamie Lynn is pregnant. What’s even funnier to me is that the publisher, Thomas Nelson, Inc., is an inspirational Christian book outfit. I repeat—a Christian book publisher! Don’t it seem just a tad disingenuous that one of their offerings would come from the mother of a skanky out-of-control singer who dresses like a whore and whose concert performances have been known to include male dancers sticking their faces right in her crotch, let alone the mother of a 16-year-old girl who just got knocked up? Oh well, I guess if there’s a buck or two to be made, all bets are off and ethics and morality go right out the window, huh? One can only imagine the helpful parenting hints ol' Lynne will dish out in her book—not unlike the advice of a twice-divorced marriage counselor...
I KNOW THAT DUDE!
I stumbled across the ancient classic kids’ musical film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the TV this week, starring the original “DVD” himself, Dick Van Dyke. I probably hadn’t seen this thing in damn near 40 years, and there was a guy in it who looked and sounded awfully familiar to me. It was none other than the lad himself, Benny Hill! Little did I know when I first saw this film how much this man would later corrupt little ol’ me…
A FRESH ANGLE…
…on Madonna’s induction into the Rock ’N’ Roll Hall of Fame. I read a column on MSNBC the other day that pointed out something I hadn’t thought of before—one of the reasons why they voted Madonna in is so it would draw attention to the Hall, and it makes perfect sense. Not saying that makes it right, of course, but last year they had the built-in intrigue of the whole Van Halen soap opera to draw attention, and this year they’re desperate because of the sad fact that truly worthy candidates like the Moody Blues, Deep Purple or the Brothers Doobie ain’t gonna cause much buzz in our short attention span society. By the same token, though, you can’t tell me that Kiss being voted in wouldn’t raise more than a few eyebrows…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #66
“In My Time Of Dying”—LED ZEPPELIN (1975) I was confused by the part at the end where Robert Plant repeats the phrase “Oh, my Jesus” several times. I thought he was singing “On my T.V.”!
HOLY ALMANAC, BATMAN!
I’m currently reading a wonderful little anthology book called From ABBA to Zoom by local K.C. author David Mansour, which came out a couple years ago. Dave has painstakingly chronicled practically everything that was or is prominent in Pop Culture since the 1950’s, right down to the characters on “Josie & The Pussycats”. I’m not even halfway through the B’s yet, and I’m having a ball recollecting stuff from the past, like the burger offerings at A&W restaurants—Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Baby Burger, etc.—and I’m now stockpiling even more ammunition for my Pop Culture reference arsenal on the ol’ blog here.
GLOBAL WARMING, MY ASS!!
For the third straight Saturday, we’re having what the Weather Channel people might call a “Winter Weather Event” here in K.C. It started off as just plain rain, then freezing rain, then sleet and now the snow is blowing horizontally in the lovely 25-35 MPH winds out of the northwest. Luckily, I managed to get the bulk of my Christmas shopping done this morning before this little Norwester hit town.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE…
Explain this to me, please—what is this obsession some people have with wearing shorts? While doing my shopping today, I encountered two different people at Target strolling around in shorts. Nothing wrong with that, but if you’ll read my weather report above, you’ll note that today was not exactly balmy in the great outdoors! And I’m not talking about kids who don’t know any better, but grown adults here. Maybe it’s just because I get cold relatively easy, but I don’t get why you’d wear shorts like it was the 4th of July while doing your Christmas shopping. Same goes for women who wear skirts and no hose this time of year—ain’t that just a tad drafty?
HYPOCRISY, THE CONTINUING SAGA
Seems that there was a new book about parenting due to hit the stands. Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is the memoir of one Lynne Spears, mother of singer/nutbag Britney Spears and actress Jamie Lynn Spears. The book was slated to come out on May 11th next year—Mother’s Day, naturally—but her publisher is delaying the release indefinitely after this week’s revelation that little Jamie Lynn is pregnant. What’s even funnier to me is that the publisher, Thomas Nelson, Inc., is an inspirational Christian book outfit. I repeat—a Christian book publisher! Don’t it seem just a tad disingenuous that one of their offerings would come from the mother of a skanky out-of-control singer who dresses like a whore and whose concert performances have been known to include male dancers sticking their faces right in her crotch, let alone the mother of a 16-year-old girl who just got knocked up? Oh well, I guess if there’s a buck or two to be made, all bets are off and ethics and morality go right out the window, huh? One can only imagine the helpful parenting hints ol' Lynne will dish out in her book—not unlike the advice of a twice-divorced marriage counselor...
I KNOW THAT DUDE!
I stumbled across the ancient classic kids’ musical film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the TV this week, starring the original “DVD” himself, Dick Van Dyke. I probably hadn’t seen this thing in damn near 40 years, and there was a guy in it who looked and sounded awfully familiar to me. It was none other than the lad himself, Benny Hill! Little did I know when I first saw this film how much this man would later corrupt little ol’ me…
A FRESH ANGLE…
…on Madonna’s induction into the Rock ’N’ Roll Hall of Fame. I read a column on MSNBC the other day that pointed out something I hadn’t thought of before—one of the reasons why they voted Madonna in is so it would draw attention to the Hall, and it makes perfect sense. Not saying that makes it right, of course, but last year they had the built-in intrigue of the whole Van Halen soap opera to draw attention, and this year they’re desperate because of the sad fact that truly worthy candidates like the Moody Blues, Deep Purple or the Brothers Doobie ain’t gonna cause much buzz in our short attention span society. By the same token, though, you can’t tell me that Kiss being voted in wouldn’t raise more than a few eyebrows…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #66
“In My Time Of Dying”—LED ZEPPELIN (1975) I was confused by the part at the end where Robert Plant repeats the phrase “Oh, my Jesus” several times. I thought he was singing “On my T.V.”!
HOLY ALMANAC, BATMAN!
I’m currently reading a wonderful little anthology book called From ABBA to Zoom by local K.C. author David Mansour, which came out a couple years ago. Dave has painstakingly chronicled practically everything that was or is prominent in Pop Culture since the 1950’s, right down to the characters on “Josie & The Pussycats”. I’m not even halfway through the B’s yet, and I’m having a ball recollecting stuff from the past, like the burger offerings at A&W restaurants—Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Baby Burger, etc.—and I’m now stockpiling even more ammunition for my Pop Culture reference arsenal on the ol’ blog here.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
I'm nervous and my socks are too loose...
...and so overcome by Mellencamp's election to the Rock Hall of Fame that I can hardly function! Actually, it's just the usual Christmas madness, and I've been too friggin' busy to do much blogging this week. I hope to make up for it voluminously over the long weekend coming up...
YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY...
Happy 62nd b-day to Peter Criss of Kiss. The Catman has been dogged-on (ohhh, bad pun!) by both critics and fans alike at times over the years, and even I don't consider him to be the best drummer Kiss ever had—the two Erics both blew him away—but I think he's a good guy overall. Certainly the most down-to-earth member of the original four of Kiss. If you look at concert videos from the '70s, Peter was quite the basher and very animated in his playing style. Over the years, he's refined his technique and is more of a timekeeper now. I also give him credit for having sense enough to leave the circus with a little dignity, realizing he's in his '60s now. I really wish Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley would have retired the make-up after the so-called "Farewell Tour" in 2000 when Peter (and later Ace Frehley) left the band for good. Kiss looks too much like a tribute band now.
"SOFT ROCK" REVISITED
I got to thinking about the remark I made early this week regarding the late Dan Fogelberg and the "Soft Rock" genre being something I can only take in small doses. In DF's case, I tended to shy away from his music because I didn't really relate to songs about forest Primevals and such, but it occurred to me that there are lots of "mellow" songs out there that I truly love, some more than I realized. People who know me well might even be shocked at some of the stuff I enjoy. Take Gordon Lightfoot, for instance: "If You Could Read My Mind" from 1971 is an old favorite from my Top 40 listening days, as is 1974's "Sundown", and is there not a more chilling song than "Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" from '76? Friggin' brilliant!
My man Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere & The Raiders had a brief solo career in the early '70s and scored hits with songs like "Arizona", "Silver Bird" and "Miss America" (not the Styx song), but my favorite is his minor hit recording of a Neil Diamond song called "And The Grass Won't Pay No Mind" from 1970. Hell, Diamond himself put out some wonderful stuff during that time, like "I Am...I Said" and "Play Me" (even though it included the non-existent word "brang" in its lyrics). I even groove to songs by Country crossover artists like the late Charlie Rich and "Most Beautiful Girl" and Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman". Quite possibly my all-time favorite "mellow" song ever is the late Brook Benton's "Rainy Night In Georgia" from 1970. The instrumentation on that track is so atmospheric, and Benton's vocal is so convincing that he truly made you feel he really was some drifter hitching train rides.
That's all I have for now—I'll reactivate the ol' verbal bazooka over the weekend...
YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY...
Happy 62nd b-day to Peter Criss of Kiss. The Catman has been dogged-on (ohhh, bad pun!) by both critics and fans alike at times over the years, and even I don't consider him to be the best drummer Kiss ever had—the two Erics both blew him away—but I think he's a good guy overall. Certainly the most down-to-earth member of the original four of Kiss. If you look at concert videos from the '70s, Peter was quite the basher and very animated in his playing style. Over the years, he's refined his technique and is more of a timekeeper now. I also give him credit for having sense enough to leave the circus with a little dignity, realizing he's in his '60s now. I really wish Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley would have retired the make-up after the so-called "Farewell Tour" in 2000 when Peter (and later Ace Frehley) left the band for good. Kiss looks too much like a tribute band now.
"SOFT ROCK" REVISITED
I got to thinking about the remark I made early this week regarding the late Dan Fogelberg and the "Soft Rock" genre being something I can only take in small doses. In DF's case, I tended to shy away from his music because I didn't really relate to songs about forest Primevals and such, but it occurred to me that there are lots of "mellow" songs out there that I truly love, some more than I realized. People who know me well might even be shocked at some of the stuff I enjoy. Take Gordon Lightfoot, for instance: "If You Could Read My Mind" from 1971 is an old favorite from my Top 40 listening days, as is 1974's "Sundown", and is there not a more chilling song than "Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald" from '76? Friggin' brilliant!
My man Mark Lindsay of Paul Revere & The Raiders had a brief solo career in the early '70s and scored hits with songs like "Arizona", "Silver Bird" and "Miss America" (not the Styx song), but my favorite is his minor hit recording of a Neil Diamond song called "And The Grass Won't Pay No Mind" from 1970. Hell, Diamond himself put out some wonderful stuff during that time, like "I Am...I Said" and "Play Me" (even though it included the non-existent word "brang" in its lyrics). I even groove to songs by Country crossover artists like the late Charlie Rich and "Most Beautiful Girl" and Glen Campbell's "Wichita Lineman". Quite possibly my all-time favorite "mellow" song ever is the late Brook Benton's "Rainy Night In Georgia" from 1970. The instrumentation on that track is so atmospheric, and Benton's vocal is so convincing that he truly made you feel he really was some drifter hitching train rides.
That's all I have for now—I'll reactivate the ol' verbal bazooka over the weekend...
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
'Scuse me while I puke and die!
John Mellencamp has been voted into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. So has Madonna. So has some so-called Rocker named Leonard Cohen. Shit, they might as well induct Mantovanni, Pat Boone and Topo Gigio while they're at it. Meanwhile, Deep Purple, The Moody Blues, Kiss, Paul Revere & The Raiders, Rush, The Doobie Bros., Cheap Trick—oh, fuck it, I give up! I surrender! I'm done arguing about who should be inducted into this travesty of a shrine. It's a very cool museum in Cleveland, but the entity as a whole is a fucking joke! At least the Country Music folks get it right by inducting those who rightfully belong in their Hall of Fame...
Monday, December 17, 2007
I haven't the bloggiest idea...
DAN FOGELBERG, 1951-2007
Sad news in the music world with the passing of singer Dan Fogelberg yesterday of pancreatic cancer. I didn't follow his career all that closely, therefore I wasn't even aware that he'd been seriously ill for the past few years. Although the "Soft Rock" genre is better for me when taken in small doses, DF certainly had his moments like "Part of The Plan" and my personal favorite, 1978's "The Power Of Gold" (with Tim Weissberg). I seem to remember he got plenty of airplay at the "Mighty 1030" on the Transtar satellite in '87 when I worked there. R.I.P., Dan...
I HAVE A QUESTION...
How can the Golden Globe Awards people nominate this Charlie Wilson's War flick for five awards, when it hasn't even come out yet?!? Ain't it amazing how these brand new movies get all the nods (the Oscars do this too), while all the good stuff that comes out in March and April every year is largely forgotten? Who be paying for these nominations, hmmm?
SHOUT, SHOUT, LET IT ALL OUT—THESE ARE THE THINGS I COULD DO WITHOUT...
Things like constant reaction shots from the luxury suites of player's wives, mothers, girlfriends, et al., during NFL games. Especially skank celebrity girlfriends like Jessica Simpson in her pink Tony Romo jersey, whom Fox TV constantly cut away to during the Cowboys-Eagles game yesterday. And some schmuck sitting with her actually brought it to her attention that she was on camera—as if this bimbo has never been on TV before! And true-to-form, the talking heads on ESPN are now trying to blame Romo's poor performance yesterday on said bimbo's distraction. Yeah, right, whatever...
I could also do without singer Beyoncé on every other TV ad these days. Ironically, she's taken the place of the above-mentioned J. Simpson on the Direct TV ads this football season, and she's also hawking cell phones and who knows what else. Beyoncé is a talented singer and a half-decent actress, but she's rapidly turning into a big sell-out.
VICTIMS OF VENOMOUS FATE
The Northwest Missouri State Bearcats are beginning to look like the Buffalo Bills of Division II football. For the third straight season, NWMS made it to the Division II title game, only to lose another heartbreaker on Saturday, this time to Valdosta State 25-20. Things were looking good for the Bearcats with about 5:00 to go in the game when a killer holding penalty nullified a nice first down play as they tried to run the clock out with the lead. Valdosta got the ball back and scored with just seconds left. Life's a real bitch sometimes, unfortunately...
OFF THE SCHNIDE!
Congrats to the Miami Dolphins for finally winning a game this year after beating Baltimore 22-16 in OT yesterday. Congrats for not only winning the game, but making me look like a genius for picking them to win! And congrats to the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers for maintaining their rightful place in ignominy (igno-Mini-Me?) as the only NFL team to go winless for an entire season. I remember that sad-sack team's maiden season very well—nearly every game was a 45-10, 48-3, 42-0 blowout—even the then-lowly Chiefs manhandled them pretty good that year. They continued their mighty losing streak on into the next season, going 0-12 before finally beating the Saints in Week 13. At least the Bucs had an excuse—they were a rag-tag expansion team full of cast-offs, wanna-bes and never-weres. The Dolphins have no such excuse, being a franchise that's been around for 40-some-odd years.
Speaking of the Bucs, on the same day that Miami spared their place in the record books, Tampa Bay finally recorded a kickoff return for a TD! In much the same manner as how the New York Mets have never had a no-hitter in their 45-year existence, it took the Buccaneers 31 years and 1,865 tries to finally run back a kickoff for a touchdown. What's the bet TB gets another one next week...
SPEAKING OF IGNOMINY
El Chiefos put on yet another half-assed performance at Arrowhead yesterday, and as I predicted when the season started, the fans are turning on the team in droves now that things have gone totally south. Most of their venom is aimed at general manager Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards. I'm willing to give Edwards one more season to make his plan work, given that he's still working with a lot of players left over from the Dick Vermeil era that don't fit his new system, but Peterson's time has come and gone. Step aside, CP, and let someone else run the show...
31 FLAVORS?!?
Well, the college bowl season begins this weekend, and there are now a staggering 31 bowl games (32 counting the BCS title game). At the risk of sounding overly-nostalgic, I remember the good ol' days when I was a kid and there were about 1/3 that many bowl games. You had the big four—Rose, Cotton, Sugar and Orange—on New Year's Day (or Eve, sometimes) and maybe another half-dozen or so traditional bowl games (Fiesta, Gator, Holiday, Tangerine, Peach, Sun and the vaunted Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl from Houston), plus a handful of All-Star games like the Blue-Gray Classic, Hula Bowl and Senior Bowl. Thus, viewers were guaranteed of seeing good solid teams playing over the holidays—none of this 6-6 vs. 7-5 crap like we have today.
Now you have these tradition-free bowl games like the New Orleans Bowl, Ft. Worth Bowl, Motor City Bowl, et al, not to mention all these soulless corporate name dot.com bowls and crap like the Outback Bowl, etc. Even the Peach Bowl ain't Peachy anymore—now it's the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. It's quite conceivable that one day we'll be treated to the ACME Lint Filter Bowl! What's worse, some cities have multiple bowl games each year now, like Orlando and San Diego. Hell, New Orleans has three this year with the BCS title game. Too much of a good thing, folks...
Rant within a rant: Why does Fox Sports suddenly get to carry all the big bowl games (except the Rose Bowl) when they don't even televise one single solitary regular season game on free TV? I guess this is what you'd call the new-millennium version of "Bowling For Dollars"...
Damn, I miss the '70s!
THE POOP AND NOTHING BUT THE POOP
Brazilian soccer midfielder Kaka was named the FIFA World Player Of The Year. I guess that means he truly is The Shit! That was too easy, I know, but I just couldn't resist...
Sad news in the music world with the passing of singer Dan Fogelberg yesterday of pancreatic cancer. I didn't follow his career all that closely, therefore I wasn't even aware that he'd been seriously ill for the past few years. Although the "Soft Rock" genre is better for me when taken in small doses, DF certainly had his moments like "Part of The Plan" and my personal favorite, 1978's "The Power Of Gold" (with Tim Weissberg). I seem to remember he got plenty of airplay at the "Mighty 1030" on the Transtar satellite in '87 when I worked there. R.I.P., Dan...
I HAVE A QUESTION...
How can the Golden Globe Awards people nominate this Charlie Wilson's War flick for five awards, when it hasn't even come out yet?!? Ain't it amazing how these brand new movies get all the nods (the Oscars do this too), while all the good stuff that comes out in March and April every year is largely forgotten? Who be paying for these nominations, hmmm?
SHOUT, SHOUT, LET IT ALL OUT—THESE ARE THE THINGS I COULD DO WITHOUT...
Things like constant reaction shots from the luxury suites of player's wives, mothers, girlfriends, et al., during NFL games. Especially skank celebrity girlfriends like Jessica Simpson in her pink Tony Romo jersey, whom Fox TV constantly cut away to during the Cowboys-Eagles game yesterday. And some schmuck sitting with her actually brought it to her attention that she was on camera—as if this bimbo has never been on TV before! And true-to-form, the talking heads on ESPN are now trying to blame Romo's poor performance yesterday on said bimbo's distraction. Yeah, right, whatever...
I could also do without singer Beyoncé on every other TV ad these days. Ironically, she's taken the place of the above-mentioned J. Simpson on the Direct TV ads this football season, and she's also hawking cell phones and who knows what else. Beyoncé is a talented singer and a half-decent actress, but she's rapidly turning into a big sell-out.
VICTIMS OF VENOMOUS FATE
The Northwest Missouri State Bearcats are beginning to look like the Buffalo Bills of Division II football. For the third straight season, NWMS made it to the Division II title game, only to lose another heartbreaker on Saturday, this time to Valdosta State 25-20. Things were looking good for the Bearcats with about 5:00 to go in the game when a killer holding penalty nullified a nice first down play as they tried to run the clock out with the lead. Valdosta got the ball back and scored with just seconds left. Life's a real bitch sometimes, unfortunately...
OFF THE SCHNIDE!
Congrats to the Miami Dolphins for finally winning a game this year after beating Baltimore 22-16 in OT yesterday. Congrats for not only winning the game, but making me look like a genius for picking them to win! And congrats to the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers for maintaining their rightful place in ignominy (igno-Mini-Me?) as the only NFL team to go winless for an entire season. I remember that sad-sack team's maiden season very well—nearly every game was a 45-10, 48-3, 42-0 blowout—even the then-lowly Chiefs manhandled them pretty good that year. They continued their mighty losing streak on into the next season, going 0-12 before finally beating the Saints in Week 13. At least the Bucs had an excuse—they were a rag-tag expansion team full of cast-offs, wanna-bes and never-weres. The Dolphins have no such excuse, being a franchise that's been around for 40-some-odd years.
Speaking of the Bucs, on the same day that Miami spared their place in the record books, Tampa Bay finally recorded a kickoff return for a TD! In much the same manner as how the New York Mets have never had a no-hitter in their 45-year existence, it took the Buccaneers 31 years and 1,865 tries to finally run back a kickoff for a touchdown. What's the bet TB gets another one next week...
SPEAKING OF IGNOMINY
El Chiefos put on yet another half-assed performance at Arrowhead yesterday, and as I predicted when the season started, the fans are turning on the team in droves now that things have gone totally south. Most of their venom is aimed at general manager Carl Peterson and head coach Herm Edwards. I'm willing to give Edwards one more season to make his plan work, given that he's still working with a lot of players left over from the Dick Vermeil era that don't fit his new system, but Peterson's time has come and gone. Step aside, CP, and let someone else run the show...
31 FLAVORS?!?
Well, the college bowl season begins this weekend, and there are now a staggering 31 bowl games (32 counting the BCS title game). At the risk of sounding overly-nostalgic, I remember the good ol' days when I was a kid and there were about 1/3 that many bowl games. You had the big four—Rose, Cotton, Sugar and Orange—on New Year's Day (or Eve, sometimes) and maybe another half-dozen or so traditional bowl games (Fiesta, Gator, Holiday, Tangerine, Peach, Sun and the vaunted Astro-Bluebonnet Bowl from Houston), plus a handful of All-Star games like the Blue-Gray Classic, Hula Bowl and Senior Bowl. Thus, viewers were guaranteed of seeing good solid teams playing over the holidays—none of this 6-6 vs. 7-5 crap like we have today.
Now you have these tradition-free bowl games like the New Orleans Bowl, Ft. Worth Bowl, Motor City Bowl, et al, not to mention all these soulless corporate name dot.com bowls and crap like the Outback Bowl, etc. Even the Peach Bowl ain't Peachy anymore—now it's the Chick-Fil-A Bowl. It's quite conceivable that one day we'll be treated to the ACME Lint Filter Bowl! What's worse, some cities have multiple bowl games each year now, like Orlando and San Diego. Hell, New Orleans has three this year with the BCS title game. Too much of a good thing, folks...
Rant within a rant: Why does Fox Sports suddenly get to carry all the big bowl games (except the Rose Bowl) when they don't even televise one single solitary regular season game on free TV? I guess this is what you'd call the new-millennium version of "Bowling For Dollars"...
Damn, I miss the '70s!
THE POOP AND NOTHING BUT THE POOP
Brazilian soccer midfielder Kaka was named the FIFA World Player Of The Year. I guess that means he truly is The Shit! That was too easy, I know, but I just couldn't resist...
Friday, December 14, 2007
Set the demons free and watch 'em fly!
THIS JUST KILLS ME
The New York Post evidently used the following headline regarding the passing of Ike Turner: "Ike 'Beats' Tina to Death". Yes, I know, that's not very funny, yet it's fucking hilarious at the same time!
US VS. THEM?
Get a load of this malarkey:
The Colorado shooter has been identified, and his name is Matthew Murray. He apparently follows the liberal thought pattern on Christianity, as he allegedly was behind a series of blog posts decrying the "nightmare" and "abuses" of Christianity. It's almost impossible to distinguish between Murray's ranting and those of wacky Christian-hating liberals like Rosie O'Donnell. To the Matthew Murrays, it is Christianity that is dangerous. It is Christianity that is intolerant and hate-filled.
This little blurb was written by one Cassy Fiano, http://wizbangblog.com/.
Let me get this straight—Cassy's putting a mentally-disturbed gunman in the same league with a misguided (yet relatively harmless) big mouth publicity hound like Rosie O'Donnell? That's one helluva leap, Cassy! Where the fuck do these twits get this convoluted logic? Rush Limbaugh pulled the same bullshit right after the Virginia Tech massacre: "If this Virginia Tech shooter had an ideology, what do you think it was? This guy had to be a liberal." In both cases, we're talking about disenfranchised individuals who were fucked-up in the head! Since when does political ideology or religious affiliation factor into this equation?
So are Cassy and Rush trying to tell us that Christians and/or conservatives never commit murder? I beg to differ—I've heard it said by more than one person that the world's worst murderers are those who "saw the Light"...
I, FOR ONE, AM UNDERWHELMED...
...by yesterday's big hoop-de-doo on the whole baseball steroids thing. It didn't tell us a damn thing that we didn't already know anyway. However, a couple things did occur to me, the main one being how so many of the 80-some-odd players named in the Mitchell Report were so staggeringly mediocre! Apart from Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Roger Clemens (the latter of whom I've suspected of doing steroids for years), we have such "superstars" on the list as Marvin Benard, Larry Bigbie and Randy Velarde! Cody McKay? I couldn't even tell you what team he played for. Former K.C. Royal Hal Morris also made the list—this guy hit like one whole home run as a member of the Royals—fat load of good those steroids did him, huh? The other thing that struck me after the report came out is there has been no outcry for Commissioner Howdy Doody's (Bud Selig) resignation, seeing's how he's the one who presided over this whole steroid era and turned a blind eye to everything.
Oh, and then there's our fearless leader Dubya, who remarked today, "We can jump to this conclusion: that steroids have sullied the game." Well, he should know—he's the all-time greatest conclusion-jumper in recorded history! Funny how you never spoke out about having all them steroid users like Jose Canseco on your roster when you owned the Texas Rangers, huh, Dubya? Damn jackass...
THEY SAW THE FUTURE!
I'm currently viewing an episode from the Season 2 "Saturday Night Live" DVD set, one episode of which contains a parody commercial about a triple-blade shaving razor that seemed ludicrous during that Bicentennial year. Doesn't seem so ludicrous with my Gillette Mach3 now hanging in my bathroom. Another irony included in that same episode: Paul Shaffer with hair!
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #65
"God"—JOHN LENNON (1970) "I don't believe in Zimmerman..." When I first heard this song in its entirety, it wasn't long after Lennon's demise in 1980, and I had yet to make the Dylan-Zimmerman connection, therefore I thought JL was singing "I don't believe in cinnamon..." By extension, I also mistook "Buddha" for "butter", the way John sang it. Please forgive me—I was a child of the '70s, not the '60s...
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
This is current Kansas City mayor Mark Funkhouser. Lose the goatee and you get this dude...
The New York Post evidently used the following headline regarding the passing of Ike Turner: "Ike 'Beats' Tina to Death". Yes, I know, that's not very funny, yet it's fucking hilarious at the same time!
US VS. THEM?
Get a load of this malarkey:
The Colorado shooter has been identified, and his name is Matthew Murray. He apparently follows the liberal thought pattern on Christianity, as he allegedly was behind a series of blog posts decrying the "nightmare" and "abuses" of Christianity. It's almost impossible to distinguish between Murray's ranting and those of wacky Christian-hating liberals like Rosie O'Donnell. To the Matthew Murrays, it is Christianity that is dangerous. It is Christianity that is intolerant and hate-filled.
This little blurb was written by one Cassy Fiano, http://wizbangblog.com/.
Let me get this straight—Cassy's putting a mentally-disturbed gunman in the same league with a misguided (yet relatively harmless) big mouth publicity hound like Rosie O'Donnell? That's one helluva leap, Cassy! Where the fuck do these twits get this convoluted logic? Rush Limbaugh pulled the same bullshit right after the Virginia Tech massacre: "If this Virginia Tech shooter had an ideology, what do you think it was? This guy had to be a liberal." In both cases, we're talking about disenfranchised individuals who were fucked-up in the head! Since when does political ideology or religious affiliation factor into this equation?
So are Cassy and Rush trying to tell us that Christians and/or conservatives never commit murder? I beg to differ—I've heard it said by more than one person that the world's worst murderers are those who "saw the Light"...
I, FOR ONE, AM UNDERWHELMED...
...by yesterday's big hoop-de-doo on the whole baseball steroids thing. It didn't tell us a damn thing that we didn't already know anyway. However, a couple things did occur to me, the main one being how so many of the 80-some-odd players named in the Mitchell Report were so staggeringly mediocre! Apart from Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Roger Clemens (the latter of whom I've suspected of doing steroids for years), we have such "superstars" on the list as Marvin Benard, Larry Bigbie and Randy Velarde! Cody McKay? I couldn't even tell you what team he played for. Former K.C. Royal Hal Morris also made the list—this guy hit like one whole home run as a member of the Royals—fat load of good those steroids did him, huh? The other thing that struck me after the report came out is there has been no outcry for Commissioner Howdy Doody's (Bud Selig) resignation, seeing's how he's the one who presided over this whole steroid era and turned a blind eye to everything.
Oh, and then there's our fearless leader Dubya, who remarked today, "We can jump to this conclusion: that steroids have sullied the game." Well, he should know—he's the all-time greatest conclusion-jumper in recorded history! Funny how you never spoke out about having all them steroid users like Jose Canseco on your roster when you owned the Texas Rangers, huh, Dubya? Damn jackass...
THEY SAW THE FUTURE!
I'm currently viewing an episode from the Season 2 "Saturday Night Live" DVD set, one episode of which contains a parody commercial about a triple-blade shaving razor that seemed ludicrous during that Bicentennial year. Doesn't seem so ludicrous with my Gillette Mach3 now hanging in my bathroom. Another irony included in that same episode: Paul Shaffer with hair!
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #65
"God"—JOHN LENNON (1970) "I don't believe in Zimmerman..." When I first heard this song in its entirety, it wasn't long after Lennon's demise in 1980, and I had yet to make the Dylan-Zimmerman connection, therefore I thought JL was singing "I don't believe in cinnamon..." By extension, I also mistook "Buddha" for "butter", the way John sang it. Please forgive me—I was a child of the '70s, not the '60s...
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
This is current Kansas City mayor Mark Funkhouser. Lose the goatee and you get this dude...
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The times...
...THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'
Yet another time-honored tradition has gone the way of the Instamatic camera—school closings read aloud on the radio! One of my favorite childhood memories was waking up at the crack of 4:30AM and tuning in the radio on those Wintry days just aching to hear those magic words "Raytown Consolidated District #2 is closed today", especially when longtime local K.C. newsman Noel Heckerson did it with his commanding and authoritative baritone. Thanks to today's information age with the Internet and crawls on the TV news rattling off the next day's school closings, apparently even the major news/talk radio stations don't bother to read them anymore. Is there nothing sacred today? Hell, part of the reason I got into radio in the first place was so I could read off the school closings and be the bearer of good news to all the 9-year-olds glued to their radios at the crack of 4:30AM...
Then again, the rules have changed drastically for closing the schools over the last few years anyway. It used to take an act of Congress to get them to shut down school on snowy days (Raytown in particular) back in the '70s, but with all the raging paranoia about potential lawsuits if a bus goes off in the ditch and the kids get frostbite, school districts are now cancelling class at the first sighting of a snowflake the night before instead of waiting until morning like they used to. The Raytown schools were closed on Tuesday, even though the streets were merely wet, and quite drive-able. Hell, the roads were icier today following last night's overnight glazing, yet the schools were wide open. Okey-fine...
As for the big ice storm, we dodged a major bullet here in K.C., as the storm knocked out power to folks north of us in St. Joseph, and way south of us in Oklahoma and southern Kansas. Apart from tornadoes and heat waves, ice storms are the one weather phenomenon that I dread the most because of their one-two punch of slick roads and power outages. My electricity was out for eight straight days after the 2002 ice storm here, and it basically sucked. Let's hope those without power tonight get theirs restored ASAP.
IKE TURNER, 1931-2007
Big news of the day was the passing of Ike Turner, who evidently died in his sleep today. With all the negative aura about him in light of Tina Turner's biography I, Tina in which she detailed the constant beatings she suffered from him, it's easy to forget that Ike Turner was a top-flight musician. It's a damn shame that his drug addiction and abusive nature got the best of him, too. Although I respect him as a musician and songwriter, I have NO respect whatsoever for men who beat on their women. Unfortunately, ol' Ike nevah evah did nothin' nice and easy...
DEAD ROCK STAR UPDATE
Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow's death was apparently caused by an accidental cocaine overdose. It figures. Uhh, drugs are bad, ummm-kay? Dumbass...
LIVE ROCK STAR UPDATE
Most accounts of Monday night's Led Zeppelin concert in London were quite favorable, although drummer Jason Bonham may well have stolen the show from his dad's former co-horts. Plant, Page and Jones are still pretty non-committal about doing any further shows after this one, but now the rumors of an impending tour are flying like bum notes at a Sex Pistols concert. For those of you keeping score, here's Monday's set list:
Good Times, Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Underfoot
Nobody’s Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You
Dazed and Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains the Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Kashmir
-------------------------------
Whole Lotta Love
Rock And Roll
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #64
"The Immigrant Song"—LED ZEPPELIN (1970) "Hammer of the gods..." Glaring omission from Monday's set list, from which I originally mistook this phrase for "camera of the gods". Then again, I can't understand half the stuff Robert Plant sings anyway. Come to think of it, can any of you?
M-IT!
Congrats to former Kansas City Chiefs defensive back Emmitt Thomas for being named interim coach of the Atlanta Falcons today. He was always one of my favorite players during the Chiefs' glory days when I was a small child, and it's nice to see #18 finally get a shot at running the show, even if it's just for three games. This all came about when Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino abruptly (and cowardly) bolted the team less than 12 hours after their Monday night loss to the Saints to take the head coaching job at the U. of Arkansas. In the words of A. Bunker, "Oh, if he ain't a horse's patoot!"
MAD MAX, BEYOND FUKUDOME?
The Chicago Cubs signed OF Kosuke Fukudome from Japan today. Let me tell you right now, my friends, me and ESPN's Chris Berman are going to get plenty of mileage out of this dude's name! Fuck who's dome?
Yet another time-honored tradition has gone the way of the Instamatic camera—school closings read aloud on the radio! One of my favorite childhood memories was waking up at the crack of 4:30AM and tuning in the radio on those Wintry days just aching to hear those magic words "Raytown Consolidated District #2 is closed today", especially when longtime local K.C. newsman Noel Heckerson did it with his commanding and authoritative baritone. Thanks to today's information age with the Internet and crawls on the TV news rattling off the next day's school closings, apparently even the major news/talk radio stations don't bother to read them anymore. Is there nothing sacred today? Hell, part of the reason I got into radio in the first place was so I could read off the school closings and be the bearer of good news to all the 9-year-olds glued to their radios at the crack of 4:30AM...
Then again, the rules have changed drastically for closing the schools over the last few years anyway. It used to take an act of Congress to get them to shut down school on snowy days (Raytown in particular) back in the '70s, but with all the raging paranoia about potential lawsuits if a bus goes off in the ditch and the kids get frostbite, school districts are now cancelling class at the first sighting of a snowflake the night before instead of waiting until morning like they used to. The Raytown schools were closed on Tuesday, even though the streets were merely wet, and quite drive-able. Hell, the roads were icier today following last night's overnight glazing, yet the schools were wide open. Okey-fine...
As for the big ice storm, we dodged a major bullet here in K.C., as the storm knocked out power to folks north of us in St. Joseph, and way south of us in Oklahoma and southern Kansas. Apart from tornadoes and heat waves, ice storms are the one weather phenomenon that I dread the most because of their one-two punch of slick roads and power outages. My electricity was out for eight straight days after the 2002 ice storm here, and it basically sucked. Let's hope those without power tonight get theirs restored ASAP.
IKE TURNER, 1931-2007
Big news of the day was the passing of Ike Turner, who evidently died in his sleep today. With all the negative aura about him in light of Tina Turner's biography I, Tina in which she detailed the constant beatings she suffered from him, it's easy to forget that Ike Turner was a top-flight musician. It's a damn shame that his drug addiction and abusive nature got the best of him, too. Although I respect him as a musician and songwriter, I have NO respect whatsoever for men who beat on their women. Unfortunately, ol' Ike nevah evah did nothin' nice and easy...
DEAD ROCK STAR UPDATE
Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow's death was apparently caused by an accidental cocaine overdose. It figures. Uhh, drugs are bad, ummm-kay? Dumbass...
LIVE ROCK STAR UPDATE
Most accounts of Monday night's Led Zeppelin concert in London were quite favorable, although drummer Jason Bonham may well have stolen the show from his dad's former co-horts. Plant, Page and Jones are still pretty non-committal about doing any further shows after this one, but now the rumors of an impending tour are flying like bum notes at a Sex Pistols concert. For those of you keeping score, here's Monday's set list:
Good Times, Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Underfoot
Nobody’s Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You
Dazed and Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains the Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Kashmir
-------------------------------
Whole Lotta Love
Rock And Roll
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #64
"The Immigrant Song"—LED ZEPPELIN (1970) "Hammer of the gods..." Glaring omission from Monday's set list, from which I originally mistook this phrase for "camera of the gods". Then again, I can't understand half the stuff Robert Plant sings anyway. Come to think of it, can any of you?
M-IT!
Congrats to former Kansas City Chiefs defensive back Emmitt Thomas for being named interim coach of the Atlanta Falcons today. He was always one of my favorite players during the Chiefs' glory days when I was a small child, and it's nice to see #18 finally get a shot at running the show, even if it's just for three games. This all came about when Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino abruptly (and cowardly) bolted the team less than 12 hours after their Monday night loss to the Saints to take the head coaching job at the U. of Arkansas. In the words of A. Bunker, "Oh, if he ain't a horse's patoot!"
MAD MAX, BEYOND FUKUDOME?
The Chicago Cubs signed OF Kosuke Fukudome from Japan today. Let me tell you right now, my friends, me and ESPN's Chris Berman are going to get plenty of mileage out of this dude's name! Fuck who's dome?
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
911 Transcript
911 Dispatch, how may I assist you?
Hello, I'd like to report a robbery—someone stole our scoreboard!
Can you describe the scoreboard, sir?
Yeah, it's 110-feet tall and in the shape of a crown, and someone made off with it, along with some other items in our yard.
What kind of items, sir?
Well, it looks like they took our outfield wall and JumboTron, and one of our bullpens is missing too.
Fine, sir, I'll send an officer out to assist you immediately...
Monday, December 10, 2007
Can you describe the ruckus?
THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES!
Pittsburgh Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith personally guaranteed the Steelers would beat New England yesterday. Final score: Patriots 34, Steelers 13. This is why I generally don't approve of trash-talking—most of the time you wind up looking foolish in the end. However, I do have a new piece of strategy for the teams who play the Patriots the rest of this season: guarantee that you're going lose to New England! Hell, a little reverse psychology might just work...
SOMETIMES BAD IS BAD
Yesterday's performance by the Kansas City Chefs in Denver was quite possibly their most sorry-ass game in the last 20 years, a 41-7 debacle during which the offense gained a whole 48 feet (16 yards) rushing and the defense pretty much phoned it in. I knew K.C. wasn't going to be a contender this year, especially after they basically wasted training camp and the preseason, but I at least expected a team that played hard and competed. I'm still willing to give head coach Herm Edwards the benefit of the doubt and give him time to shape the team in his image, but it's time for general manager Carl Peterson to step aside and let someone else run the show and bring in some better talent. This team hasn't looked this pathetic since the Frank Gansz era in the late '80s.
IF YOU CAN'T FIND A PARTNER, USE A WOODEN CHAIR...
Good advice for Michael Vick over the next 23 months, since that's what the judge gave Mr. Bad Newz today for his dog-fighting enterprise. That's more than I was expecting he'd get, and no doubt a lot more than all the Vick apologists/sycophants hoped he'd get. And before said sycophants play the race card here, I'll say it again: I'd feel the same way about this if it were Brett Favre or Peyton Manning who was accused of this crap—rot in jail, asshole! Meantime, I sure hope Mikey remembered to pack his K-Y Jelly, because he's going to be somebody's little puppy in the clink. Sorry, bad pun...
ANOTHER PERSON I CAN REALLY DO WITHOUT...
Add to my ever-growing list that precocious little girl with the elephant on the DLP plasma TV ads. Not sure why, but I find her more than just a tad irritating...
JOHN INMAN, 1935-2007
News travels a little slow sometimes even in this day and age, as I just learned over the weekend of the passing of British actor/comedian John Inman way back in March of this year. Inman played junior menswear clerk Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries on the '70s BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?" AYBS is a cult favorite, and I latched on to the show about 12 years ago on PBS (when Wendy Richard's dynamite legs caught my eye), and Mr. Humphries was clearly the focal point of the show with his campy over-the-top character, mincing steps, homosexual overtones and trademark "I'm free!" catchphrase. Although it was always implied that Mr. Humphries was gay, he never actually outed himself on the show—in the same way that we never actually saw Vera on "Cheers" or Maris on "Frasier"—and John Inman was a total hoot. If I may paraphrase Mr. Humphries himself: Now he's truly free! A belated R.I.P., John—you were one funny little dude...
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
In this corner, I give you Former U. of Missouri basketball coach "Stormin'" Norman Stewart...
...and in this corner, we have little Jackie Wright from "The Benny Hill Show"!
ICE, ICE BABY
Impending doom is apparently on its way to Kansas City, as another ice storm approacheth. First off, I'd like to recite my annual Winter refrain: Global Warming, my ass! Second off, there's a distinct possibility that I might incur a power outage here at the ol' homestead and not be able to finish what I
Pittsburgh Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith personally guaranteed the Steelers would beat New England yesterday. Final score: Patriots 34, Steelers 13. This is why I generally don't approve of trash-talking—most of the time you wind up looking foolish in the end. However, I do have a new piece of strategy for the teams who play the Patriots the rest of this season: guarantee that you're going lose to New England! Hell, a little reverse psychology might just work...
SOMETIMES BAD IS BAD
Yesterday's performance by the Kansas City Chefs in Denver was quite possibly their most sorry-ass game in the last 20 years, a 41-7 debacle during which the offense gained a whole 48 feet (16 yards) rushing and the defense pretty much phoned it in. I knew K.C. wasn't going to be a contender this year, especially after they basically wasted training camp and the preseason, but I at least expected a team that played hard and competed. I'm still willing to give head coach Herm Edwards the benefit of the doubt and give him time to shape the team in his image, but it's time for general manager Carl Peterson to step aside and let someone else run the show and bring in some better talent. This team hasn't looked this pathetic since the Frank Gansz era in the late '80s.
IF YOU CAN'T FIND A PARTNER, USE A WOODEN CHAIR...
Good advice for Michael Vick over the next 23 months, since that's what the judge gave Mr. Bad Newz today for his dog-fighting enterprise. That's more than I was expecting he'd get, and no doubt a lot more than all the Vick apologists/sycophants hoped he'd get. And before said sycophants play the race card here, I'll say it again: I'd feel the same way about this if it were Brett Favre or Peyton Manning who was accused of this crap—rot in jail, asshole! Meantime, I sure hope Mikey remembered to pack his K-Y Jelly, because he's going to be somebody's little puppy in the clink. Sorry, bad pun...
ANOTHER PERSON I CAN REALLY DO WITHOUT...
Add to my ever-growing list that precocious little girl with the elephant on the DLP plasma TV ads. Not sure why, but I find her more than just a tad irritating...
JOHN INMAN, 1935-2007
News travels a little slow sometimes even in this day and age, as I just learned over the weekend of the passing of British actor/comedian John Inman way back in March of this year. Inman played junior menswear clerk Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries on the '70s BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?" AYBS is a cult favorite, and I latched on to the show about 12 years ago on PBS (when Wendy Richard's dynamite legs caught my eye), and Mr. Humphries was clearly the focal point of the show with his campy over-the-top character, mincing steps, homosexual overtones and trademark "I'm free!" catchphrase. Although it was always implied that Mr. Humphries was gay, he never actually outed himself on the show—in the same way that we never actually saw Vera on "Cheers" or Maris on "Frasier"—and John Inman was a total hoot. If I may paraphrase Mr. Humphries himself: Now he's truly free! A belated R.I.P., John—you were one funny little dude...SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
In this corner, I give you Former U. of Missouri basketball coach "Stormin'" Norman Stewart...
...and in this corner, we have little Jackie Wright from "The Benny Hill Show"!
ICE, ICE BABY
Impending doom is apparently on its way to Kansas City, as another ice storm approacheth. First off, I'd like to recite my annual Winter refrain: Global Warming, my ass! Second off, there's a distinct possibility that I might incur a power outage here at the ol' homestead and not be able to finish what I
Saturday, December 8, 2007
General folderol
WHAT I COULD BE DOING TONIGHT
I could at this very moment be attending my company's Christmas party at the Hyatt Reject—sorry, Regency—hotel. Now, I'm normally not one to pass up free food and free booze, but the weather outside is a tad frightful with semi-icy roads, and I literally don't have a thing to wear to this gig that would be appropriate anyway. Anymore, these annual rituals are little more than fashion shows as the women-folk are in competition to outdress one another, anyway, and I can view the photos of the event later on. In the meantime, I'll just drink beer in the relative safety of my humble abode here and entertain y'all with my verbal bazooka instead...
SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS AND BEER...
I wish Miller High Life would bring back this old TV commercial they used to play every year during the holidays. The scenery was just gorgeous and it was always one of my favorite holiday ads, along with this one. Surely, Miller (the beer that made Milwaukee burp) could forego a few playings of their current fancy Christmas ad with the Transsexual Siberian Orchestra and still give the "I'll Be Home For Christmas" spot a few spins each year. While I'm on beer commercials, I was reminded of an oldie but a goodie while watching History Channel's "History of beer" show today. Schlitz Malt Liquor was crappy beer, but they had great commercials. Would I BULLshit you? Sorry, bad pun...
SPEAKING OF HISTORY CHANNEL...
...at least they are what they say they are—a history channel. So many other cable channels don't live up to their names, thus I have a few suggestions to correct this problem. For instance, Lifetime should really be called Chick Flicks And/Or Disease Of The Week Network, Discovery Health Channel should be renamed the Baby-Birthing Channel, and TV Land can easily change to the Andy & Opie Network. ESPN2 should be called Poker Central and BET should switch to the more accurate moniker, Pimps R Us/The Infomercial Channel. The Weather Channel should become the Doomsday Network, and MTV should just plain be stricken from cable television, period! Oh, and one more—I think it would be more appropriate for BBC America to be called the English Channel, don't you? Get it? English Channel!!!
WE GOT DEM 'OL POWDER BLUES AGAIN
Big news out of the Kansas City Royals camp this week, as they unveiled their new retro powder blue uniforms that some fans have been clamoring for the team to bring back for years. I was never especially fond of the originals from the '70s myself—I always thought they were kinda wussy-looking. Hope everyone's happy now, but I hate to tell ya, kids—this ain't gonna help the Royals win any more games...
QUICK QUESTION HERE...
I'm curious—exactly how many pints of blood do these Ultimate Fighter dudes on Spike TV, Vs. channel, et al, have to lose before they stop these fights? Jaws was less gory than this show is...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #63
"Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting"—ELTON JOHN (1973) "My old man's a drunkard and a barrel full of monkeys and my old lady, she don't care..." Or try it my old way as a 9-year-old with "My old man's a druggist..."
OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN!
The Grammy nominations were announced this week. Once again, they fail to recognize that the music business has become so fragmented that it's useless to lump so many different genres into the same award category. Prime example this year: Album of the Year, which pits Foo Fighters, Vince Gill, Herbie Hancock, Kanye West and Amy Winehouse. Thus, you have a Rock band, a Country singer, a Jazz player, a Rap singer and some tattooed no-talent skank drug addict all vying for the same award! This is all just about as pointless as waving to Stevie Wonder, wouldn't you say? In addition, my buddy Mellencamp is nominated for his shilling-for-Chevy song "Our Country" as is the Paul McCartney album that contains that gawd-awful "Nod Your Head" track. Is it just me, or are the Grammy Awards just about as obsolete as 8-track tapes, rotary-dial phones, Apple IIe computers, Pong games and MTV?
REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD? WE'LL SOON SEE...
I'm more than a little curious how Monday night's Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London will turn out. Messers. Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones are hooking up with the late John Bonham's son Jason for this one-off show in tribute to late Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet "Don't Call Me Omelet" Ertegun. Word has it that if things go well, a lengthy tour may well ensue. I love Zeppelin on record, but I've never been terribly impressed with their live recordings—Page's guitar always sounded woefully out of tune, and they would often go off on these tangents right in the middle of a song and never come back to it. Now, I'm not saying anyone should reproduce their songs note-for-note in concert, but lawdy Miss Clawdy, do we really need 25 minutes of "Dazed And Confused"? Oh well, for what it's worth, Plant was still in good voice when I saw him open for The Who five years ago, especially on Zep classics like "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You", so hopefully he can still bring it now. You can bet if there is indeed a subsequent tour after Monday's show, it'll be the Motherlode of all reunion tours.
I could at this very moment be attending my company's Christmas party at the Hyatt Reject—sorry, Regency—hotel. Now, I'm normally not one to pass up free food and free booze, but the weather outside is a tad frightful with semi-icy roads, and I literally don't have a thing to wear to this gig that would be appropriate anyway. Anymore, these annual rituals are little more than fashion shows as the women-folk are in competition to outdress one another, anyway, and I can view the photos of the event later on. In the meantime, I'll just drink beer in the relative safety of my humble abode here and entertain y'all with my verbal bazooka instead...
SPEAKING OF CHRISTMAS AND BEER...
I wish Miller High Life would bring back this old TV commercial they used to play every year during the holidays. The scenery was just gorgeous and it was always one of my favorite holiday ads, along with this one. Surely, Miller (the beer that made Milwaukee burp) could forego a few playings of their current fancy Christmas ad with the Transsexual Siberian Orchestra and still give the "I'll Be Home For Christmas" spot a few spins each year. While I'm on beer commercials, I was reminded of an oldie but a goodie while watching History Channel's "History of beer" show today. Schlitz Malt Liquor was crappy beer, but they had great commercials. Would I BULLshit you? Sorry, bad pun...
SPEAKING OF HISTORY CHANNEL...
...at least they are what they say they are—a history channel. So many other cable channels don't live up to their names, thus I have a few suggestions to correct this problem. For instance, Lifetime should really be called Chick Flicks And/Or Disease Of The Week Network, Discovery Health Channel should be renamed the Baby-Birthing Channel, and TV Land can easily change to the Andy & Opie Network. ESPN2 should be called Poker Central and BET should switch to the more accurate moniker, Pimps R Us/The Infomercial Channel. The Weather Channel should become the Doomsday Network, and MTV should just plain be stricken from cable television, period! Oh, and one more—I think it would be more appropriate for BBC America to be called the English Channel, don't you? Get it? English Channel!!!
WE GOT DEM 'OL POWDER BLUES AGAIN
Big news out of the Kansas City Royals camp this week, as they unveiled their new retro powder blue uniforms that some fans have been clamoring for the team to bring back for years. I was never especially fond of the originals from the '70s myself—I always thought they were kinda wussy-looking. Hope everyone's happy now, but I hate to tell ya, kids—this ain't gonna help the Royals win any more games...QUICK QUESTION HERE...
I'm curious—exactly how many pints of blood do these Ultimate Fighter dudes on Spike TV, Vs. channel, et al, have to lose before they stop these fights? Jaws was less gory than this show is...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #63
"Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting"—ELTON JOHN (1973) "My old man's a drunkard and a barrel full of monkeys and my old lady, she don't care..." Or try it my old way as a 9-year-old with "My old man's a druggist..."
OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN!
The Grammy nominations were announced this week. Once again, they fail to recognize that the music business has become so fragmented that it's useless to lump so many different genres into the same award category. Prime example this year: Album of the Year, which pits Foo Fighters, Vince Gill, Herbie Hancock, Kanye West and Amy Winehouse. Thus, you have a Rock band, a Country singer, a Jazz player, a Rap singer and some tattooed no-talent skank drug addict all vying for the same award! This is all just about as pointless as waving to Stevie Wonder, wouldn't you say? In addition, my buddy Mellencamp is nominated for his shilling-for-Chevy song "Our Country" as is the Paul McCartney album that contains that gawd-awful "Nod Your Head" track. Is it just me, or are the Grammy Awards just about as obsolete as 8-track tapes, rotary-dial phones, Apple IIe computers, Pong games and MTV?
REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD? WE'LL SOON SEE...
I'm more than a little curious how Monday night's Led Zeppelin reunion concert in London will turn out. Messers. Robert Plant, Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones are hooking up with the late John Bonham's son Jason for this one-off show in tribute to late Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet "Don't Call Me Omelet" Ertegun. Word has it that if things go well, a lengthy tour may well ensue. I love Zeppelin on record, but I've never been terribly impressed with their live recordings—Page's guitar always sounded woefully out of tune, and they would often go off on these tangents right in the middle of a song and never come back to it. Now, I'm not saying anyone should reproduce their songs note-for-note in concert, but lawdy Miss Clawdy, do we really need 25 minutes of "Dazed And Confused"? Oh well, for what it's worth, Plant was still in good voice when I saw him open for The Who five years ago, especially on Zep classics like "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You", so hopefully he can still bring it now. You can bet if there is indeed a subsequent tour after Monday's show, it'll be the Motherlode of all reunion tours.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
On to new business...
Enough celebrating, it's time to rant again!
HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN, REVISITED
Nine dead in an Omaha shopping mall, thanks to some 19-year-old high school dropout loser with an assault rifle. Okay, explain this to me one more time like I'm a four-year-old: what the fuck does any ordinary citizen need with an assault rifle? And don't give me all that NRA mantra about the right to protect one's family, either! Hell, these NRA fuckers care more about their damn guns than they do about their own familes anyway.
THEY NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?—PART I
Per his usual, Dubya still insists on stirring up some shit with Iran, even after reports came out this week that new intelligence info indicates that Iran abandoned its nuclear program four years ago. Just once, can't this misguided moron admit he's wrong about something?
THEY NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?—PART II
The religious right are once again getting their collective panties in a wad over yet another movie, The Golden Compass, claiming that it promotes atheism. Okay, I'm going to play my it's-just-a-movie card one more time, here. Just as they did with Da Vinci Code, Last Temptation of Christ and Passion of The Christ, the God Squadders are drawing tons of undue attention and publicity to a movie that could just as easily fade away without a trace if they'd just keep their yaps shut...
YOU CALL THIS NEWS?
It snowed in Baltimore last night! Three whole inches!! That was one of the big stories on CNN this morning, complete with footage of a snow plow clearing an airport runway. Why is this even considered newsworthy? Now, if it snows in Baltimore on the 4th of July, that's worth mentioning! If it snows in Miami or Honolulu, then fine, tell us all about it, but I don't wanna hear about minor snowfall anywhere north of North Carolina on network TV news...
SPEAKING OF SNOW...
We got about an inch or so of it today (not newsworthy). And naturally, as part of the on-going pussification of American school kids, several school districts closed early today, never mind that there wasn't even enough snow to cover the grass and some of it was actually melting off the roads by late afternoon...
THE PIANO MAN COMETH
Billy Joel should be taking the stage as I type this as the Sprint Center. I've always wanted to see him in concert, and thought about going tonight, but I just couldn't stomach forking over 60 bucks just to sit behind the stage. Oh well, there are plenty of other good concerts coming to Kansas City soon, like Kid Rock, Wayne Newton and Air Supply. I think I'm going to cry...
GREAT BAND NAME
VHS Or Beta—I read about them in the paper today. I'm sure there's a band out there called Paper or Plastic too. By the way, I will defend the Beta videotape format to my death vs. the overrated VHS...
MORE GREAT BAND NAMES
Top 5 names of tribute bands for '80s group The Outfield:
1) The Infield
2) Third Base Line
3) On-Deck Circle
4) Dugout
5) Pitcher's Rubber
MAN OR MACHINE?
I heard the 1986 song "Human" by The Human League the other day, and it reminded me of a funny story from my radio days. The Transtar satellite folks (who provided us with the bulk of our programming day) often played these "drop-ins" between songs to promote the station ("your home for the greatest hits", for example). One of them included a snippet from "Human", but for some reason the tape was really slow on that one, thus making the vocals sound most decidedly un-human during the "I'm only human" chrous! "Iiiiii'mmmmm oooonnnllyy huuuuuuumannnnnnn..."
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #62
"School's Out"--ALICE COOPER (1972) "School's been blown to pieces" Not me this time, but rather the band Krokus in their totally unnecessary 1986 cover version of Big Al's classic when they sang "School is closed for recess."
GREAT GIFT IDEA
And one of the greatest improvements to an existing product ever—it's the Dr. Laura Dartboard! Hurry, though—supplies are limited...
HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN, REVISITED
Nine dead in an Omaha shopping mall, thanks to some 19-year-old high school dropout loser with an assault rifle. Okay, explain this to me one more time like I'm a four-year-old: what the fuck does any ordinary citizen need with an assault rifle? And don't give me all that NRA mantra about the right to protect one's family, either! Hell, these NRA fuckers care more about their damn guns than they do about their own familes anyway.
THEY NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?—PART I
Per his usual, Dubya still insists on stirring up some shit with Iran, even after reports came out this week that new intelligence info indicates that Iran abandoned its nuclear program four years ago. Just once, can't this misguided moron admit he's wrong about something?
THEY NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?—PART II
The religious right are once again getting their collective panties in a wad over yet another movie, The Golden Compass, claiming that it promotes atheism. Okay, I'm going to play my it's-just-a-movie card one more time, here. Just as they did with Da Vinci Code, Last Temptation of Christ and Passion of The Christ, the God Squadders are drawing tons of undue attention and publicity to a movie that could just as easily fade away without a trace if they'd just keep their yaps shut...
YOU CALL THIS NEWS?
It snowed in Baltimore last night! Three whole inches!! That was one of the big stories on CNN this morning, complete with footage of a snow plow clearing an airport runway. Why is this even considered newsworthy? Now, if it snows in Baltimore on the 4th of July, that's worth mentioning! If it snows in Miami or Honolulu, then fine, tell us all about it, but I don't wanna hear about minor snowfall anywhere north of North Carolina on network TV news...
SPEAKING OF SNOW...
We got about an inch or so of it today (not newsworthy). And naturally, as part of the on-going pussification of American school kids, several school districts closed early today, never mind that there wasn't even enough snow to cover the grass and some of it was actually melting off the roads by late afternoon...
THE PIANO MAN COMETH
Billy Joel should be taking the stage as I type this as the Sprint Center. I've always wanted to see him in concert, and thought about going tonight, but I just couldn't stomach forking over 60 bucks just to sit behind the stage. Oh well, there are plenty of other good concerts coming to Kansas City soon, like Kid Rock, Wayne Newton and Air Supply. I think I'm going to cry...
GREAT BAND NAME
VHS Or Beta—I read about them in the paper today. I'm sure there's a band out there called Paper or Plastic too. By the way, I will defend the Beta videotape format to my death vs. the overrated VHS...
MORE GREAT BAND NAMES
Top 5 names of tribute bands for '80s group The Outfield:
1) The Infield
2) Third Base Line
3) On-Deck Circle
4) Dugout
5) Pitcher's Rubber
MAN OR MACHINE?
I heard the 1986 song "Human" by The Human League the other day, and it reminded me of a funny story from my radio days. The Transtar satellite folks (who provided us with the bulk of our programming day) often played these "drop-ins" between songs to promote the station ("your home for the greatest hits", for example). One of them included a snippet from "Human", but for some reason the tape was really slow on that one, thus making the vocals sound most decidedly un-human during the "I'm only human" chrous! "Iiiiii'mmmmm oooonnnllyy huuuuuuumannnnnnn..."
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #62
"School's Out"--ALICE COOPER (1972) "School's been blown to pieces" Not me this time, but rather the band Krokus in their totally unnecessary 1986 cover version of Big Al's classic when they sang "School is closed for recess."
GREAT GIFT IDEA
And one of the greatest improvements to an existing product ever—it's the Dr. Laura Dartboard! Hurry, though—supplies are limited...Happy Blogiversary to Me!--Part 2
As promised, here are some more favorites from the Holland's Comet archive from the past six months or so (in chronological order):
--Motherhood? (6-2-07)
--"They Died Young"--Vol. III (6-7-07)
--The Bane of My Existence (6-24-07)
--"They Died Old"--Volume I (6-26-07)
--"What The &%#@ Were They Thinking?"-Vol. 1 (7-5-07)
--July 6, 1982 (7-6-07)
--"They Died Old"--Vol. II (7-15-07)
--"They Died Old"--Vol. III (7-28-07)
--Same ol' shit, different underwear... (9-19-07)
--It's in 'im and it's got to come out... (10-8-07)
--Welcome to the Scent Printer! (10-11-07)
--Motherhood? (6-2-07)
--"They Died Young"--Vol. III (6-7-07)
--The Bane of My Existence (6-24-07)
--"They Died Old"--Volume I (6-26-07)
--"What The &%#@ Were They Thinking?"-Vol. 1 (7-5-07)
--July 6, 1982 (7-6-07)
--"They Died Old"--Vol. II (7-15-07)
--"They Died Old"--Vol. III (7-28-07)
--Same ol' shit, different underwear... (9-19-07)
--It's in 'im and it's got to come out... (10-8-07)
--Welcome to the Scent Printer! (10-11-07)
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Happy Blogiversary to me!--Part 1
December 4, 2006: "A date that will live in infancy!"—A. Bunker
Well, kids, here we are on Day 366 in the life of da Comet. By dingies—352 posts and 61 misheard lyrics later, my little baby is still alive and well, and I'm a proud father (did I say that?!?). As I stated in my very first post, for reasons that are still unknown to me, I resisted starting up a blog for the longest time. But, good moogly-woogly, once I started this behemoth, the skies parted, the seas churned, the earth moved and the floodgates opened, and voila! Blogging has been a real pleasure and treasure to me—a great forum for me to rant and vent, plus an outlet for me to just plain be creative and hopefully entertain more than a few fellow humans in the process. Also in said process, I've made the acquaintance of some other fine bloggers and fellow travelers, and it's been a total hoot. About the only negative I can think of is having to learn to navigate Google's so-called "wysiwyg" publisher function, which I'm fairly certain was created by FEMA...
Thanks to anyone and everyone who takes the time to experience my bullshit. I especially want to thank Randy Raley for inspiring yours truly to finally get off his duff and start a blog, just as he inspired yours truly to pursue a career in radio—okay, one out of two ain't bad! I also want to thank my other regular commenters Ken Dillon (let me know when you wanna do lunch, buddy!), the good Dr. Sardonicus, M.D., and Sir Kilroy, proprietor of the Gonzo Papers. And as always, I welcome comments from anyone and everyone about what I say, even if we disagree—I've only rejected one comment so far, and that's only because it made about as much sense as Mr. DeFazio on "Laverne & Shirley". And rest assured, dear friends—I have plenty more good stuff up my sleeve for Year Two!
In celebration of this auspicious occasion, I present to you, gentle readers, a little best-of collection of some of my favorite posts (in fairly chronological order) from the first six months. I'll cover the remaining six months tout-de-sweet. Feel free to add any comments you like, even though the following are reruns:
--Top 10 Most Irritating Top 40 Hits of All-Time (12-13-06)
--The Dumbest Celebrity Product Endorsements of All-Time (1-3-07)
--Worst Cover Songs of All-Time (1-6-07)
--Fallen Idols (1-16-07)
--57 Channels and Nothin' On (1-31-07)
--Great Moments in Radio, Vol. V (2-8-07)
--Good Answers (2-28-07)
--It really makes you wonder... (3-17-07)
--Randy Rhoads, 1956-1982 (3-19-07)
--Great Moments in Radio, Vol. VII (3-21-07)
--Da Raidas! (3-26-07)
--Back in the saddle again... (3-26-07)
--My "Field of Dreams" (4-2-07)
--Let it Rain! (4-4-07)
--Enlighten us, oh Flatulent One! (4-18-07)
--The Greatest Album of All-Time (5-1-07)
--#200 (5-3-07)
--Whole lotta bloggin' goin' on (5-24-07)
--I know you are, but what am I? (5-27-07)
--My General Moody-ness (5-29-07)
--"They Died Young"--Volume I (of an occasional series) (5-31-07)
Well, kids, here we are on Day 366 in the life of da Comet. By dingies—352 posts and 61 misheard lyrics later, my little baby is still alive and well, and I'm a proud father (did I say that?!?). As I stated in my very first post, for reasons that are still unknown to me, I resisted starting up a blog for the longest time. But, good moogly-woogly, once I started this behemoth, the skies parted, the seas churned, the earth moved and the floodgates opened, and voila! Blogging has been a real pleasure and treasure to me—a great forum for me to rant and vent, plus an outlet for me to just plain be creative and hopefully entertain more than a few fellow humans in the process. Also in said process, I've made the acquaintance of some other fine bloggers and fellow travelers, and it's been a total hoot. About the only negative I can think of is having to learn to navigate Google's so-called "wysiwyg" publisher function, which I'm fairly certain was created by FEMA...
Thanks to anyone and everyone who takes the time to experience my bullshit. I especially want to thank Randy Raley for inspiring yours truly to finally get off his duff and start a blog, just as he inspired yours truly to pursue a career in radio—okay, one out of two ain't bad! I also want to thank my other regular commenters Ken Dillon (let me know when you wanna do lunch, buddy!), the good Dr. Sardonicus, M.D., and Sir Kilroy, proprietor of the Gonzo Papers. And as always, I welcome comments from anyone and everyone about what I say, even if we disagree—I've only rejected one comment so far, and that's only because it made about as much sense as Mr. DeFazio on "Laverne & Shirley". And rest assured, dear friends—I have plenty more good stuff up my sleeve for Year Two!
In celebration of this auspicious occasion, I present to you, gentle readers, a little best-of collection of some of my favorite posts (in fairly chronological order) from the first six months. I'll cover the remaining six months tout-de-sweet. Feel free to add any comments you like, even though the following are reruns:
--Top 10 Most Irritating Top 40 Hits of All-Time (12-13-06)
--The Dumbest Celebrity Product Endorsements of All-Time (1-3-07)
--Worst Cover Songs of All-Time (1-6-07)
--Fallen Idols (1-16-07)
--57 Channels and Nothin' On (1-31-07)
--Great Moments in Radio, Vol. V (2-8-07)
--Good Answers (2-28-07)
--It really makes you wonder... (3-17-07)
--Randy Rhoads, 1956-1982 (3-19-07)
--Great Moments in Radio, Vol. VII (3-21-07)
--Da Raidas! (3-26-07)
--Back in the saddle again... (3-26-07)
--My "Field of Dreams" (4-2-07)
--Let it Rain! (4-4-07)
--Enlighten us, oh Flatulent One! (4-18-07)
--The Greatest Album of All-Time (5-1-07)
--#200 (5-3-07)
--Whole lotta bloggin' goin' on (5-24-07)
--I know you are, but what am I? (5-27-07)
--My General Moody-ness (5-29-07)
--"They Died Young"--Volume I (of an occasional series) (5-31-07)
Monday, December 3, 2007
Blue Monday, Blue Day
PURE B.(C.)S.
Once again, college football's Bowl Championship Series proved itself to be about as worthless as a bobsled in Zimbabwe by denying the University of Missouri a bid in a top-tier BCS bowl game, in spite of MU (11-2) being ranked 6th in their own poll, two spots ahead of Kansas, who received an at-large bid to the Orange Bowl to play Virginia Tech. Nice to see KU (11-1) get in a major bowl for the first time since I was in Kindergarten, but let's back up the truck a second here—MU beat KU! MU's strength of schedule (26th out of 119, I believe) was far tougher than KU's (109 out of 119, or something like that) and MU had to play an extra game that KU didn't. Can you say "politics"? Even worse, another team that MU beat this season, Illinois (9-3), got a BCS bid to the Rose Bowl. Granted, Missouri gets to play on New Year's Day for the first time since the Nixon Administration in the Cotton Bowl against Arkansas (a school I'd love to see in the Big 12, btw). It should make for a good game and it's only about an eight-hour road trip for Mizzou fans to Dallas, but after being the #1 team in the nation last week, this feels like a major demotion. I also predict that Va. Tech will kick the crap out of Kansas, and I'll be doing the "Hokie Pokey" afterwards...
And in what's becoming an annual holiday tradition, this whole situation just screams out for a playoff system in college football, but the old-boy network of powers-that-be won't allow change. They claim it would ruin the tradition of the bowl games. Bullshit! Hell, they've already done that by adding the extra game for the championship. A playoff system would only make the bowl games that much more inviting to watch. Does anyone really give a rat's uvula about the Outback Bowl, anyway? The Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl? Come on, people, this is a fucking joke!
SPEAKING OF JOKES...
I watched those Va. Tech Hokies beat Boston College the other day in the ACC Champeenship Game in Jacksonville, and was floored when they showed a blimp shot of the stadium, and there couldn't have been more than 20,000 people there. Come on, J-ville, you can do better than that! Just because Florida State or Georgia Tech wasn't in this game is no excuse for such a paltry crowd. Y'all missed a damn good game, too. K.C. packs Arrowhead for the Big 12 title game (usually in cold weather), even when local favorites don't participate. Shit, Jacksonville can't even pack the place for the Jaguars—a pretty good team, btw—and they cover up several sections of seats in their stadium with tarps to create contrived "sellout" crowds.
CALL THE GUINNESS PEOPLE...
...and tell them to have their erasers ready. Tonight was the big Hannah Montana concert at the Sprint Center, and it's quite possible a world record was set for the most pre-pubescent girls wearing cheap-quality long blonde wigs ever assembled in one place at the same time! What's really funny with all the hysteria this thing has caused, a year from now it'll all be forgotten and replaced by the next crappy pre-teen sensation rip-off artist...
FIRE ON ICE
Literally! Thanks, but I really wanted a Bud Light!
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
CNN's sensation-izer machine was in rare form today, as they had some shocking footage this morning of a rare weather phenomenon—it snowed in Minnesota! Can you believe that? A whole two inches, too! Could the Yukon be next? Tune in tonight for our investigative report...
AFTER FURTHER REVIEW...
I was listening to one of my homemade '80s compilation CDs today, and came across Elton John's "Wrap Her Up" from 1986, which features George Michael guesting on vocals. Hmmm, two openly-gay men paying homage to women—what's wrong with this picture? Love Elton to death (in the loosest sense, that is), but this song wasn't one of his more stellar career moments. The album it came from, Leather Jackets, was a major dud too, and strangely enough was the only EJ studio album that did not include printed lyrics—just as well, it sucked...
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Don't mean to give out free advertising here, but I have a bone to pick with one of my favorite KC eateries, the Westport Flea Market Bar & Grill. They've put out these buy-one/get-one free lunch or dinner coupons for years, but recently changed the rules to include "Maximum value $5.00". Just one little problem—there are no entrees on their menu less than five bucks! Therefore, how can anything be "free"? Awfully misleading, folks. I can also do without this new e-mail address bullshit at the bottom—what, I have to give personal info just to use a coupon, now? This K.C. institution was recently spared the wrecking ball and ignominy of being replaced with a Hooters after a major outcry from Flea customers, and this is how the owners thank us? Great burgers, but these coupons are pure hooey!
THE "SHOE" IS FITTING
If you don't read "Shoe" on a daily basis, your life is not complete!
Once again, college football's Bowl Championship Series proved itself to be about as worthless as a bobsled in Zimbabwe by denying the University of Missouri a bid in a top-tier BCS bowl game, in spite of MU (11-2) being ranked 6th in their own poll, two spots ahead of Kansas, who received an at-large bid to the Orange Bowl to play Virginia Tech. Nice to see KU (11-1) get in a major bowl for the first time since I was in Kindergarten, but let's back up the truck a second here—MU beat KU! MU's strength of schedule (26th out of 119, I believe) was far tougher than KU's (109 out of 119, or something like that) and MU had to play an extra game that KU didn't. Can you say "politics"? Even worse, another team that MU beat this season, Illinois (9-3), got a BCS bid to the Rose Bowl. Granted, Missouri gets to play on New Year's Day for the first time since the Nixon Administration in the Cotton Bowl against Arkansas (a school I'd love to see in the Big 12, btw). It should make for a good game and it's only about an eight-hour road trip for Mizzou fans to Dallas, but after being the #1 team in the nation last week, this feels like a major demotion. I also predict that Va. Tech will kick the crap out of Kansas, and I'll be doing the "Hokie Pokey" afterwards...
And in what's becoming an annual holiday tradition, this whole situation just screams out for a playoff system in college football, but the old-boy network of powers-that-be won't allow change. They claim it would ruin the tradition of the bowl games. Bullshit! Hell, they've already done that by adding the extra game for the championship. A playoff system would only make the bowl games that much more inviting to watch. Does anyone really give a rat's uvula about the Outback Bowl, anyway? The Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl? Come on, people, this is a fucking joke!
SPEAKING OF JOKES...
I watched those Va. Tech Hokies beat Boston College the other day in the ACC Champeenship Game in Jacksonville, and was floored when they showed a blimp shot of the stadium, and there couldn't have been more than 20,000 people there. Come on, J-ville, you can do better than that! Just because Florida State or Georgia Tech wasn't in this game is no excuse for such a paltry crowd. Y'all missed a damn good game, too. K.C. packs Arrowhead for the Big 12 title game (usually in cold weather), even when local favorites don't participate. Shit, Jacksonville can't even pack the place for the Jaguars—a pretty good team, btw—and they cover up several sections of seats in their stadium with tarps to create contrived "sellout" crowds.
CALL THE GUINNESS PEOPLE...
...and tell them to have their erasers ready. Tonight was the big Hannah Montana concert at the Sprint Center, and it's quite possible a world record was set for the most pre-pubescent girls wearing cheap-quality long blonde wigs ever assembled in one place at the same time! What's really funny with all the hysteria this thing has caused, a year from now it'll all be forgotten and replaced by the next crappy pre-teen sensation rip-off artist...
FIRE ON ICE
Literally! Thanks, but I really wanted a Bud Light!
SAY IT AIN'T SO!
CNN's sensation-izer machine was in rare form today, as they had some shocking footage this morning of a rare weather phenomenon—it snowed in Minnesota! Can you believe that? A whole two inches, too! Could the Yukon be next? Tune in tonight for our investigative report...
AFTER FURTHER REVIEW...
I was listening to one of my homemade '80s compilation CDs today, and came across Elton John's "Wrap Her Up" from 1986, which features George Michael guesting on vocals. Hmmm, two openly-gay men paying homage to women—what's wrong with this picture? Love Elton to death (in the loosest sense, that is), but this song wasn't one of his more stellar career moments. The album it came from, Leather Jackets, was a major dud too, and strangely enough was the only EJ studio album that did not include printed lyrics—just as well, it sucked...
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Don't mean to give out free advertising here, but I have a bone to pick with one of my favorite KC eateries, the Westport Flea Market Bar & Grill. They've put out these buy-one/get-one free lunch or dinner coupons for years, but recently changed the rules to include "Maximum value $5.00". Just one little problem—there are no entrees on their menu less than five bucks! Therefore, how can anything be "free"? Awfully misleading, folks. I can also do without this new e-mail address bullshit at the bottom—what, I have to give personal info just to use a coupon, now? This K.C. institution was recently spared the wrecking ball and ignominy of being replaced with a Hooters after a major outcry from Flea customers, and this is how the owners thank us? Great burgers, but these coupons are pure hooey!THE "SHOE" IS FITTING
If you don't read "Shoe" on a daily basis, your life is not complete!
Sunday, December 2, 2007
D'oh!
Regarding Missouri's blowout loss to Oklahoma tonight in the Big 12 title game: At least they didn't step on their own collective winkies this time—they were thoroughly outplayed by a better team tonight. And they can at least say they didn't get beat by Pittsburgh (and we ain't talkin' Steelers here) in their own house like West "Virgina" did! And that's all I have to say about that...
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Blog 'Til Ya Drop!
A CAREER OF EVEL
We’ve lost yet another ‘70s icon with the passing of daredevil Evel Knievel yesterday at age 69. This man cheated death probably more than any other human being and was a perfect fit for the madness that was the 1970s in America. Evel never struck me as the nicest guy in the world, but he had kind of a Rock star aura to him—he was Elvis on two wheels for us pre-teens back in the day—and he was as synonymous with Saturday afternoons on ABC’s “Wide World of Sports” as Muhammad Ali and Jim McKay. Undoubtedly, Knievel was the inspiration for the rather infamous “Fearless Fonzarelli” episode of “Happy Days” where The Fonz jumped trash barrels on his motorcycle. I also remember a hilarious sketch drawing my older brother once had that parodied Knievel called “Anal Kanal”, featuring a semi-truck jumping over a bunch of Harleys!
Knievel made a couple jumps right here in Kansas City, including one just a couple miles from my house at K.C. International Raceway just a few months before his infamous Snake River Canyon jump in September, 1974 in his custom made “Sky Cycle” rocket contraption. I remember being pissed off that we were unable to watch it live because it was only available as a closed-circuit pay event at movie theaters (or something like that). That jump didn’t seem all that bizarre to me back when I was ten, given the extravagance of the time—this was about the same period that some fool strung a tightrope between the World Trade Center towers and walked across it, so jumping over a river in a homemade rocket al a Wile E. Coyote seemed downright normal. Looking back on it 30 some-odd years later, it’s more of a classic “What the hell was he thinking?” moment.
R.I.P., Evel—the ‘70s wouldn’t have been the same without you, ya crazy mutha…
SPEAKING OF THE FONZ…
I’m currently watching the new Season 3 “Happy Days” DVD set, which features the above-mentioned episode. This was the season HD really took off and “Fonzie Mania” swept the nation. I loved that character at the time, but the years have given me a chance to reevaluate Arthur Fonzarelli a bit, and he was a bit of a douche in some ways. And if he was so cool, then why did he hang out with dorks like Richie, Potsie and Ralph? I have another observation about HD: Wasn’t Mr. C. just a tad overdressed to run a hardware store? He always wore three-piece suits to work!
Still, there were some damn funny episodes that year, like when Richie tries to fight the hoods at Arnold’s (although “Taxi”’s Jeff Conaway hardly made a convincing thug) and when Ralph runs over Fonzie’s bike. This was the lone HD season for Pat Morita as Arnold, as he was a hoot in his Mr. Miyagi voice when he threatened Richie and Potsie with, “I’m gonna kick you out of Arnold’s for life—maybe even a couple days longer!” Morita made a poor career move the following year by starring in his own short-lived ABC series “Mr. T. And Tina”. No, not that Mr. T., but I pity the fools who watched it anyway—it was a crappy show.
SPEAKING OF “HAPPY DAYS“…
I’m also watching the season 3 DVD of the show HD spawned, “Laverne & Shirley”, or as Archie Bunker called them “Lavine & Shirley”. This is another show that seemed like a great idea at the time, but it seems horribly dated now. The storylines were awfully hokey, and they got a little carried away with the physical comedy at times. I never could stand Laverne’s old man, either—I couldn’t understand a word that man said! As Robin Williams once described race car driver Jackie Stewart, Mr. DeFazio was "a man who speaks English and still needs a translator!" I loved Lenny and Squiggy, though—there was actually talk of a spinoff for the other L&S at one time, but it never happened. Just as well, because they were more effective in small doses anyway. "Laverne & Shirley" got really stupid when the cast moved en masse from Milwaukee to California, and overstayed its welcome when it became just plain "Laverne" after Cindy Williams left the show during a contract dispute in the early '80s. Not sure if I’ll even bother with those final couple seasons when they come out on DVD.
SPEAKING OF LENNY & SQUIGGY...
Y'all remember Lenny & The Squigtones, doncha? Yes, that legendary band famous for "Night After Night"—a song "about two nights in a row". And I defy you, gentle readers, to name the cat behind the drums in the photo here, with cat being the key word...
SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE (SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE)--SHAKE YABUTA!
The Royals joined the growing trend in baseball by signing Japanese relief pitcher Yasuhiko Yabuta this week. Hell, if the Red Sox can do it, why can’t we? Hell, I say sign an Eskimo if he can pitch worth a damn! Are there any Artesians with good arms out there?
SOME TRADITIONS NEVER DIE
I enjoyed the annual Army-Navy football game again today from Baltimore. Never mind the fact that neither service academy is usually very competitive (although Navy is bowl-bound this season), I love the way the Cadets and the Midshipmen always battle it out like it’s the end of the world. The only thing that would make it better would be if we could somehow resurrect old J.F.K. Stadium in Philadelphia (where Live Aid took place in ‘85) and play the game in the mud and the muck like they used to back in the ‘60s and ‘70s. BTW, Navy won 38-3 today.
MORE PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT
I am very unimpressed with this new “TMZ” show that’s all the rage now. Perhaps I’m a tad biased since I don’t give a monkey’s about celebrity gossip news anyway, but I can really do without these losers that host this caca-fest. They look like a bunch of jaded coffee house denizens who can’t find real jobs…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #61
“She Bop”—CYNDI LAUPER (1984) “I hope he will understand…” Minor whiff on my part here—I thought she sang “I don’t even understand.” Still and all, this is the third-greatest song ever about masturbation, right behind Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself” and The Who’s “Pictures of Lily”.
NEW CHANT
For one night only, the University of Missouri, should alter its traditional “M-I-Z, Z-O-U” chant. Might I suggest they change it to, “M-I-Z, Beat-O-U”?
We’ve lost yet another ‘70s icon with the passing of daredevil Evel Knievel yesterday at age 69. This man cheated death probably more than any other human being and was a perfect fit for the madness that was the 1970s in America. Evel never struck me as the nicest guy in the world, but he had kind of a Rock star aura to him—he was Elvis on two wheels for us pre-teens back in the day—and he was as synonymous with Saturday afternoons on ABC’s “Wide World of Sports” as Muhammad Ali and Jim McKay. Undoubtedly, Knievel was the inspiration for the rather infamous “Fearless Fonzarelli” episode of “Happy Days” where The Fonz jumped trash barrels on his motorcycle. I also remember a hilarious sketch drawing my older brother once had that parodied Knievel called “Anal Kanal”, featuring a semi-truck jumping over a bunch of Harleys!Knievel made a couple jumps right here in Kansas City, including one just a couple miles from my house at K.C. International Raceway just a few months before his infamous Snake River Canyon jump in September, 1974 in his custom made “Sky Cycle” rocket contraption. I remember being pissed off that we were unable to watch it live because it was only available as a closed-circuit pay event at movie theaters (or something like that). That jump didn’t seem all that bizarre to me back when I was ten, given the extravagance of the time—this was about the same period that some fool strung a tightrope between the World Trade Center towers and walked across it, so jumping over a river in a homemade rocket al a Wile E. Coyote seemed downright normal. Looking back on it 30 some-odd years later, it’s more of a classic “What the hell was he thinking?” moment.
R.I.P., Evel—the ‘70s wouldn’t have been the same without you, ya crazy mutha…
SPEAKING OF THE FONZ…
I’m currently watching the new Season 3 “Happy Days” DVD set, which features the above-mentioned episode. This was the season HD really took off and “Fonzie Mania” swept the nation. I loved that character at the time, but the years have given me a chance to reevaluate Arthur Fonzarelli a bit, and he was a bit of a douche in some ways. And if he was so cool, then why did he hang out with dorks like Richie, Potsie and Ralph? I have another observation about HD: Wasn’t Mr. C. just a tad overdressed to run a hardware store? He always wore three-piece suits to work!
Still, there were some damn funny episodes that year, like when Richie tries to fight the hoods at Arnold’s (although “Taxi”’s Jeff Conaway hardly made a convincing thug) and when Ralph runs over Fonzie’s bike. This was the lone HD season for Pat Morita as Arnold, as he was a hoot in his Mr. Miyagi voice when he threatened Richie and Potsie with, “I’m gonna kick you out of Arnold’s for life—maybe even a couple days longer!” Morita made a poor career move the following year by starring in his own short-lived ABC series “Mr. T. And Tina”. No, not that Mr. T., but I pity the fools who watched it anyway—it was a crappy show.
SPEAKING OF “HAPPY DAYS“…
I’m also watching the season 3 DVD of the show HD spawned, “Laverne & Shirley”, or as Archie Bunker called them “Lavine & Shirley”. This is another show that seemed like a great idea at the time, but it seems horribly dated now. The storylines were awfully hokey, and they got a little carried away with the physical comedy at times. I never could stand Laverne’s old man, either—I couldn’t understand a word that man said! As Robin Williams once described race car driver Jackie Stewart, Mr. DeFazio was "a man who speaks English and still needs a translator!" I loved Lenny and Squiggy, though—there was actually talk of a spinoff for the other L&S at one time, but it never happened. Just as well, because they were more effective in small doses anyway. "Laverne & Shirley" got really stupid when the cast moved en masse from Milwaukee to California, and overstayed its welcome when it became just plain "Laverne" after Cindy Williams left the show during a contract dispute in the early '80s. Not sure if I’ll even bother with those final couple seasons when they come out on DVD.
SPEAKING OF LENNY & SQUIGGY...
Y'all remember Lenny & The Squigtones, doncha? Yes, that legendary band famous for "Night After Night"—a song "about two nights in a row". And I defy you, gentle readers, to name the cat behind the drums in the photo here, with cat being the key word...SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE (SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE)--SHAKE YABUTA!
The Royals joined the growing trend in baseball by signing Japanese relief pitcher Yasuhiko Yabuta this week. Hell, if the Red Sox can do it, why can’t we? Hell, I say sign an Eskimo if he can pitch worth a damn! Are there any Artesians with good arms out there?
SOME TRADITIONS NEVER DIE
I enjoyed the annual Army-Navy football game again today from Baltimore. Never mind the fact that neither service academy is usually very competitive (although Navy is bowl-bound this season), I love the way the Cadets and the Midshipmen always battle it out like it’s the end of the world. The only thing that would make it better would be if we could somehow resurrect old J.F.K. Stadium in Philadelphia (where Live Aid took place in ‘85) and play the game in the mud and the muck like they used to back in the ‘60s and ‘70s. BTW, Navy won 38-3 today.
MORE PEOPLE I CAN DO WITHOUT
I am very unimpressed with this new “TMZ” show that’s all the rage now. Perhaps I’m a tad biased since I don’t give a monkey’s about celebrity gossip news anyway, but I can really do without these losers that host this caca-fest. They look like a bunch of jaded coffee house denizens who can’t find real jobs…
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #61
“She Bop”—CYNDI LAUPER (1984) “I hope he will understand…” Minor whiff on my part here—I thought she sang “I don’t even understand.” Still and all, this is the third-greatest song ever about masturbation, right behind Divinyls’ “I Touch Myself” and The Who’s “Pictures of Lily”.
NEW CHANT
For one night only, the University of Missouri, should alter its traditional “M-I-Z, Z-O-U” chant. Might I suggest they change it to, “M-I-Z, Beat-O-U”?
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
The Unthinkable!
Okay, it's well-documented here that I can't stand "Dancing With The Stars (Has-Beens)", but I stumbled across the highlights of last night's show on the early morning CNN news shows today, and thought I was dreaming. Never in my lifetime did I ever figure on seeing a man placing his face within mere inches of Marie Osmond's crotch (at the 1:23 mark on the above video) on national TV! I always thought that behavior was a big no-no with Mormon-types, but evidently not. Just when I'd thought I'd seen it all...
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
General meanderings
KEVIN DuBROW, 1955-2007
I'm rather fascinated by the differing opinions being expressed in the wake of the passing Sunday of Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin DuBrow. In some circles, he's being highly-praised, like on Ken's Blog and by some of his fellow musicians, while in others, he's not so highly thought-of, like with Randy Raley and Dr. Sardonicus. I tend to agree with the latter two.
I know it’s not nice to speak poorly of the dead, but I think it's rather hypocritical to suddenly heap glowing praise on someone upon their death when I wasn’t all that fond of them when they were alive—witness my reactions to Jerry Falwell’s and Anna Nicole Smith’s passings in previous blog entries. Pretty much everything I’ve ever heard and read about Kevin DuBrow is that he was your basic David Lee Roth wanna-be, and just like DLR, he could be a real horse’s ass at times. Sadly, over the years DuBrow more or less became a punch line and caricature for the stereotypical egomaniac has-been Rock star, especially with his ridiculous-looking wigs—these rugs made Mr. Tudball's toupes on the "Carol Burnett Show" look natural by comparison!
I definitely give Quiet Riot their due for their part in helping heavy metal to go mainstream in the ‘80s, but I also credit DuBrow with the band’s quick downfall. When Quiet Riot’s second album came out in ‘84, DuBrow more or less alienated everyone with all his trash-talking bravado aimed at other up-and-coming bands like Motley Crue and Ratt. I’ll never forget QR’s appearance on MTV when DuBrow kept jabbering like a banshee on steroids while bassist Rudy Sarzo sat there clearly annoyed with him and didn’t say a word. Rudy left QR to join Whitesnake some time after that, and by the time QR’s third album came out in 1986, they were already has-beens. Damn shame, too, because I think Quiet Riot could’ve been every bit as big as Def Leppard, Scorpions and Motley Crue were. I saw them open for Z.Z. Top in ’83 right when "Metal Health" was really catching fire, and they were a damn good live band. Hell, they were just here a couple months back opening for Z.Z. again, ironically. Sarzo and drummer Frankie Banali made up a rock-solid rhythm section, guitarist Carlos Cavazo could be Eddie Van Halen-like at times, and Kevin DuBrow was your classic Heavy Metal screamer. I’m rather curious what the cause of death is. For a guy who was so in love with himself, I doubt if Kevin DuBrow would commit suicide, but who knows?
In any event, rest in peace, Kevin…
HURRY!! GET YER TICKETS NOW!
Can someone explain why they’ve already put tickets on sale for Celine Dion at Sprint Center, when the concert isn’t scheduled until November 15, 2008?!? I’ve never heard of concert tickets being put on sale nearly a year in advance before. Is this to allow her legion of fans (all 14 of ‘em) to schedule their vacations from work around it or something? I thought that hack retired anyway. Celine Dion is one of those singers who technically has a wonderful voice, but whose body of work is a total bore—Whitney Houston and Sarah McLaughlin fall into this category too. (Sorry, Tom!)
MINI MOVIE REVIEW
I'm currently viewing the new version of Hairspray on DVD. Nikki Blonsky, the new girl who plays Tracy Turnblad is light years cuter than Ricki Lake was in the original, but overall this is really an unnecessary remake—stick with the original '80s release, it was much better. And I never imagined saying this, but I actually miss Divine here! John Travolta in drag playing Mrs. Turnblad is giving me the willies, especially how he sounds like Cher crossed with Mike Myers doing Dr. Evil when he talks! As for Travolta dancing in drag—I haven't seen hoofing like this since Dancing Bear on "Captain Kangaroo"...
THE DEBATE RAGES ON
Last week, a letter writer to the K.C. Star chimed in with his .02-worth about these moronic Sonic (what a rhyme-smith I am!) TV ads, accurately pointing out how ignorant they are. In an astounding show of support, numerous other letter writers have staunchly defended these stupid things, accusing those of us who dislike said commercials of not having a sense of humor. Now, I have a pretty open-minded sense of humor, but I'm having trouble producing even one chuckle out of these two 30-something dorks in a mini-van prattling on about mediocre fast food, okay, kids? These commercials certainly don't do a very good job of selling the product, either—they sure's hell don't give me the urge to run out and a grab a burger at Sonic anytime soon. I'm more of a Wendy's guy anyway...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #60
"Border Song"--ELTON JOHN (1970) "...please excuse my frankness, but it's not my cup of tea." A little obscure here, but I thought EJ sang "please excuse my fracas."
FOOTBALL FOLLIES I
I wasn't originally planning to watch last night's Monday Night Football game between the Steelers and the lowly Miami Dolphins until I saw they were having gawdawful weather in Pittsburgh, and there's nothing I love more sometimes than a mud-bowl football game on the tube. They had just re-sodded the turf at Heinz Field over the weekend after it had been used for five high school games and one college game during the holiday weekend, and then a Noah's Ark-type rain came just in time to create a nice little quagmire. This one was reminiscent of the Chiefs' Sunday night game here against Seattle in '97 when it rained so hard they had to stop the game for a while. In both that game and last night's, a punted ball fell earthward and embedded itself into the turf and didn't move—a self-teeing football, you might say! Pittsburgh eventually kicked a field goal to win 3-zip last night.
FOOTBALL FOLLIES II
If you ever want to see a microcosm of St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals football, just watch the highlights from their OT loss to the 49ers on Sunday. This sad-sack franchise constantly endeavors to find new ways to snatch losses from the jaws of victory, and Sunday was a classic. Arizona lined up to kick a 27-yard field goal in OT, but managed to let the play clock expire before snapping the ball. The kick was good, but didn't count because of the delay of game penalty, which backed them up five yards, and true-to-form, the kicker whiffed on the ensuing 32-yard attempt. A little while later, quarterback Kurt Warner coughed up the ball in his own end zone and a 49er defender scooped it up for the game-winning TD. While the Chiefs are a frustrating lot to watch this season, I'll gladly take them over the ineptitude in the Desert.
I'm rather fascinated by the differing opinions being expressed in the wake of the passing Sunday of Quiet Riot lead singer Kevin DuBrow. In some circles, he's being highly-praised, like on Ken's Blog and by some of his fellow musicians, while in others, he's not so highly thought-of, like with Randy Raley and Dr. Sardonicus. I tend to agree with the latter two.
I know it’s not nice to speak poorly of the dead, but I think it's rather hypocritical to suddenly heap glowing praise on someone upon their death when I wasn’t all that fond of them when they were alive—witness my reactions to Jerry Falwell’s and Anna Nicole Smith’s passings in previous blog entries. Pretty much everything I’ve ever heard and read about Kevin DuBrow is that he was your basic David Lee Roth wanna-be, and just like DLR, he could be a real horse’s ass at times. Sadly, over the years DuBrow more or less became a punch line and caricature for the stereotypical egomaniac has-been Rock star, especially with his ridiculous-looking wigs—these rugs made Mr. Tudball's toupes on the "Carol Burnett Show" look natural by comparison!
I definitely give Quiet Riot their due for their part in helping heavy metal to go mainstream in the ‘80s, but I also credit DuBrow with the band’s quick downfall. When Quiet Riot’s second album came out in ‘84, DuBrow more or less alienated everyone with all his trash-talking bravado aimed at other up-and-coming bands like Motley Crue and Ratt. I’ll never forget QR’s appearance on MTV when DuBrow kept jabbering like a banshee on steroids while bassist Rudy Sarzo sat there clearly annoyed with him and didn’t say a word. Rudy left QR to join Whitesnake some time after that, and by the time QR’s third album came out in 1986, they were already has-beens. Damn shame, too, because I think Quiet Riot could’ve been every bit as big as Def Leppard, Scorpions and Motley Crue were. I saw them open for Z.Z. Top in ’83 right when "Metal Health" was really catching fire, and they were a damn good live band. Hell, they were just here a couple months back opening for Z.Z. again, ironically. Sarzo and drummer Frankie Banali made up a rock-solid rhythm section, guitarist Carlos Cavazo could be Eddie Van Halen-like at times, and Kevin DuBrow was your classic Heavy Metal screamer. I’m rather curious what the cause of death is. For a guy who was so in love with himself, I doubt if Kevin DuBrow would commit suicide, but who knows?
In any event, rest in peace, Kevin…
HURRY!! GET YER TICKETS NOW!
Can someone explain why they’ve already put tickets on sale for Celine Dion at Sprint Center, when the concert isn’t scheduled until November 15, 2008?!? I’ve never heard of concert tickets being put on sale nearly a year in advance before. Is this to allow her legion of fans (all 14 of ‘em) to schedule their vacations from work around it or something? I thought that hack retired anyway. Celine Dion is one of those singers who technically has a wonderful voice, but whose body of work is a total bore—Whitney Houston and Sarah McLaughlin fall into this category too. (Sorry, Tom!)
MINI MOVIE REVIEW
I'm currently viewing the new version of Hairspray on DVD. Nikki Blonsky, the new girl who plays Tracy Turnblad is light years cuter than Ricki Lake was in the original, but overall this is really an unnecessary remake—stick with the original '80s release, it was much better. And I never imagined saying this, but I actually miss Divine here! John Travolta in drag playing Mrs. Turnblad is giving me the willies, especially how he sounds like Cher crossed with Mike Myers doing Dr. Evil when he talks! As for Travolta dancing in drag—I haven't seen hoofing like this since Dancing Bear on "Captain Kangaroo"...
THE DEBATE RAGES ON
Last week, a letter writer to the K.C. Star chimed in with his .02-worth about these moronic Sonic (what a rhyme-smith I am!) TV ads, accurately pointing out how ignorant they are. In an astounding show of support, numerous other letter writers have staunchly defended these stupid things, accusing those of us who dislike said commercials of not having a sense of humor. Now, I have a pretty open-minded sense of humor, but I'm having trouble producing even one chuckle out of these two 30-something dorks in a mini-van prattling on about mediocre fast food, okay, kids? These commercials certainly don't do a very good job of selling the product, either—they sure's hell don't give me the urge to run out and a grab a burger at Sonic anytime soon. I'm more of a Wendy's guy anyway...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #60
"Border Song"--ELTON JOHN (1970) "...please excuse my frankness, but it's not my cup of tea." A little obscure here, but I thought EJ sang "please excuse my fracas."
FOOTBALL FOLLIES I
I wasn't originally planning to watch last night's Monday Night Football game between the Steelers and the lowly Miami Dolphins until I saw they were having gawdawful weather in Pittsburgh, and there's nothing I love more sometimes than a mud-bowl football game on the tube. They had just re-sodded the turf at Heinz Field over the weekend after it had been used for five high school games and one college game during the holiday weekend, and then a Noah's Ark-type rain came just in time to create a nice little quagmire. This one was reminiscent of the Chiefs' Sunday night game here against Seattle in '97 when it rained so hard they had to stop the game for a while. In both that game and last night's, a punted ball fell earthward and embedded itself into the turf and didn't move—a self-teeing football, you might say! Pittsburgh eventually kicked a field goal to win 3-zip last night.
FOOTBALL FOLLIES II
If you ever want to see a microcosm of St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals football, just watch the highlights from their OT loss to the 49ers on Sunday. This sad-sack franchise constantly endeavors to find new ways to snatch losses from the jaws of victory, and Sunday was a classic. Arizona lined up to kick a 27-yard field goal in OT, but managed to let the play clock expire before snapping the ball. The kick was good, but didn't count because of the delay of game penalty, which backed them up five yards, and true-to-form, the kicker whiffed on the ensuing 32-yard attempt. A little while later, quarterback Kurt Warner coughed up the ball in his own end zone and a 49er defender scooped it up for the game-winning TD. While the Chiefs are a frustrating lot to watch this season, I'll gladly take them over the ineptitude in the Desert.
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